All language subtitles for Porridge s01e02Cake.eng

Nigel Norman Fletcher, you
have been found guilty

of the charges brought against you

and it is now my duty to pass sentence.

DOORS SLAM, LOCKS CLICK

Cybercrime is a modern menace.

A man of your obvious ingenuity and
intelligence

might have used his gifts
on behalf of society.

LOCKS CLICK, BUZZER

Instead, you chose to employ them in
a pursuit of self-indulgence,

greed and gain.

LOCK CLICKS AND BEEPS

You will now face the
consequences and go to prison...

for five years.

DOOR SLAMS

All right?

Can I join you?

No.

Wht not?

You have to have a
reservation to sit at this table Ali.

Have a word with the maitre d',

see if he can fit you in
this time next year.

Why'd you blank him?

Cos I don't like him.

You have to earn the right to roll
with us. Plus, he's a thief.

Well, there's a few of them
in here, Fletch.

Yeah, I know, but he's still at it.

He'd nick your trainers while
you're slurping your soup.

I don't slurp.

You do if you
haven't got your teeth in.

I've got my teeth in.

Yeah, he'd have nicked those
as well if he'd been sat here.

- Hey, I've got another one.
- Another what, Joe?

Film set in prison. The Longest Yard.

Oh, come on. For heaven's sake,
you must have seen it.

It were a cracker.

When the lads play the guards
at football. Burt Reynolds.

Who?

Well, you must have
heard of Burt Reynolds!

Benefit of the doubt?

- Yeah, OK
- Right, that's three you've got, Joe.

Having a lively lunch, are we?

Playing a game, Mr Braithwaite.
Names of prison movies.

Anything to take our minds
off the suffocating

boredom of an oppressive regime.

And the illegible food.

- The what?
- This food. It's illegible.

I think he means inedible.

Yeah, that an' all.

The Shawshank Redemption.

ALL: Yeah, yeah.

All right, well, there was
that one with Clint Eastwood -

Escape From Alcatraz.

Oh, yeah? What was that one about?

Young people don't go to the
cinema any more, do they?

They never want to sit in
the dark and be swept away

by the grandeur of a biblical epic.

How would YOU know? When was the
last time you went to the cinema?

1999, day of release,
Hartlepool Megaplex.

What did you go and see?

The Green Mile.

A prison movie? You were out
for 24 hours

and you went to see a prison movie?!

I were homesick.

The Green Mile, that's another
point for Joe.

SHOUTING

Fight in cell block 11, Mr Braithwaite,

- you better go and subdue it.
- Oh, I hate it when this happens.

All right, come on, you lot.
That'll do. Come on.

SHOUTS: All right, break it up!

Sit down or I'll black mark
the lot of you! Right now!

Right now! Sit! Sit!

Not you!

Well, that relieved the boredom
for a moment or two. Who's winning?

First to five wins the pot, Fletch.
You and Joe have got three.

- Four. Cool Hand Luke.
- I said that.

No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.
- Yeah, he did.

Whose side are you on?

What are you lot going on about?

Playing a game, Scudds.

Do you know a film called
Cool Hand Luke?

Course. Classic. Paul Newman. He ate
50 hard-boiled eggs to win a bet.

Ooh, that could bung up
the works a bit.

I'm glad I didn't share
a cell with him.

I don't know what all the fuss is
about. I ate 66 once in Pankhurst.

Only stopped cos they run out of salt.

Are you here for a reason, Scudds,

or are you just dropping
by to be sociable?

Yeah, eh, no... I remember,
I remember. Are you Aziz?

Yeah. Why?

Dougie Parfitt wants a word.

Word about what?

I don't know. He don't
tell me, does he?

Has he vexed him?

I don't know. Did ya?

I can't think how.

You'll soon find out when he comes
back, Fletch. IF he comes back.

HE GIGGLES

Come on. Chop chop.

HE GIGGLES

DOOR SLAMS

BUZZER

I have to say, Mr Braithwaite,

your response to that situation
was most ineffectual.

Well, I saw it as more of a melee
than a situation.

Nevertheless,
it could have become a situation.

I'm aware that your approach to
incarceration is somewhat

different than my own.

Well, I do try to see
the best in people.

I've told you time and again, there

is no best in these people, Tarquin.

There is only bad.

Worse.

And despicable.

They're here to be punished,
not mollycoddled.

Maybe you're just not
temperamentally suited

to floor duty.

This isn't the right time to
ask about holidays, is it?

Here he is, boss.

I... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I haven't done nothing. Honest.

Didn't say you had.
What's your name again?

- Aziz.
- You've got visitors tomorrow.

Yeah, my auntie.

She can't make it.

What? How do you know?

Cos you're going to ring her up
and tell her.

I was looking forward to seeing her.

You're going to see
another auntie instead.

I don't have another auntie.

Well, I do, but she lives in Lahore.

Less lip. Just listen.

This lady will give you a present.

Now, if it was me who was given
a present - food parcels,

ciggies, pair of socks, they'd X-ray
it, they'd do a Cat scan,

they'd tear it apart. But you,
you're an innocent. Look at you.

- Butter wouldn't melt.
- What sort of present?

Just a cake.

Banana and walnut.

Not to be pedantic, boss, but banana
and walnut is technically a loaf,

not a cake.

Whatever.

So the woman who's bringing this
cake, or loaf, is not my aunt,

she's YOUR aunt?

No, she's not my bloody aunt,
you muppet.

She's a lap dancer from Cardiff
who's doing me a favour.

I see. I think.

If you do me this favour,
you'll be in my good books.

Which is a lot better than
being in his bad books.

HE GIGGLES

Come on, chop chop.

BUZZER

BELL RINGS

DOOR SLAMS

- HE GARGLES
- Please!

- What?
- Don't gargle.

- I wasn't going to.
- Good.

HE HOCKS

Ah!

You look a bit morose.
One of them days, is it?

It's my birthday
the day after tomorrow.

Oh, something to celebrate.

No, it isn't, mate. It's a reminder
of where I am, what I've done

and what I've got to look forward to.

Oh. So how old are you going to be?

A year older than I was last year.

What's the difference? Just another
day on the calendar, innit?

The next day,
it's going to be all back to normal.

- It's a waste of time.
- Oh, so you're going to be 30.

No!

Well, maybe. Yeah.

I just didn't plan
on spending my 30th in here.

I can't get my head around it.

I remember years ago,
when suddenly a Beatle were 30.

It seemed impossible.

Then a Rolling Stone.

They're your age now,
and they're still coining it in.

Mick just became a dad again.

How does he do it?

Well, I think we know how he
does it, Joe.

Much the same as the rest of us,
just a bit more often.

Probably doing it right now.

- Have you got any family visiting?
- No. Just a mate.

I don't like my folks coming here.
Always brings them down.

Do you know what
I was doing on my last birthday?

Snorkelling in the Seychelles.

Don't even think about it.

Dwelling on the past won't help.

Think about where you'll
be on your next birthday.

I'll be in here, won't I, Joe?!

Oh, yeah.

Put it back.

- Put what back?
- My toothpaste.

Look, I forgot mine.
I only wanted a little squeeze.

No, you didn't. You were trying to
nick it. Now put it back.

- Heard the word?
- What word?

- Braithwaite's been reassigned.
- What do you mean?

Yeah, all that lot
are talking about it in there.

Meekie reckons he's not tough enough.

He's put him on admin
duty or something.

Oh, we can't have that.

And you can't have that.

Yes, I've always been a firm
believer in turning the other cheek.

There you are, Mr Braithwaite.

What's all this about you
being reassigned?

Yes, I was just explaining to Lotterby.

Apparently I don't come up to Mr
Meekie's disciplinary standards.

What standards?

Well, you didn't cope very
well with that situation

in the canteen yesterday, did you?

Shut up, Joe. You're not helping.

Look, we can't have this,
Mr Braithwaite.

You know, maybe we can say something.

Maybe I can have a word
with the Governor.

If Meekie wants to see how you
handle a situation,

we could arrange one.

Yeah, good idea, Joe.

We start a punch-up and you break it
up single-handedly.

- You'll be the hero.
- Yeah, then we'll trash our cells

- and set fire to the pool table.
- All right.

Calm down, Vinnie Jones.

Do you know, I'm very touched that
you would start

a full-scale prison riot on my
behalf. I really am.

It's just the measure of our
affection, Mr Braithwaite.

No, it's too late. I'm off to admin.

My replacement's already on the blocks.

Fletcher.

What now, Mr Meekie?

This is Fletcher, Officer Gemmell.

I'm sure you've come across his type
in your previous posting -

there always seems to be one.

I know precisely what
you mean, Mr Meekie.

You just look at them and know
there's something... larcenous there.

- I feel it in my water.
- I can feel it in mine.

- He's one to watch!
- And I'll be watching him.

What's this?

Cloning experiment?

Still a few glitches,
but you're nearly there.

- BOTH: Don't be insolent.
- Who said that?

- What's in there?
- My toiletries.

- Can I take a look?
- Why?

Why not? Have you something to hide?

SNIFFS

- Expensive.
- Uh-huh.

Floris of Jermyn Street.

Purveyors of toiletries to the royal
family, as well as yours truly.

The Duchess of Cambridge
uses the same shaving cream as me.

Kate...

..shaves?

Yeah. Her legs, obviously.

All those summer garden fetes -

she can't walk around
with legs like King Kong, can she?

This is what I'm talking about,
Officer Gemmell.

Lip. Lippy, lippy, lippy.

Thinks he's the bee's knees

cos he enjoyed the good life
before he was collared.

Not such a good life now,
is it, Fletcher?

No. It's got a lot worse
since I woke up.

All right, all right, on your way.

Excuse me.

It's not the worst of
prisons, Officer Gemmell.

The staff have their own gym.

The prison officers started a club.

Oh? What's it called?

- Prison Officers' Club.
- Mmm.

Yeah, it's a good place to relax
at the end of the day

with a dram or two.

Oh, no, no, I don't drink.

Oh. I used to.

With, er, catastrophic consequences.

Oh.

Oh, maybe a wee lemonade, then.

BOTH: You!

DOOR SLAMS

Hiya, love.

Come and give your auntie a hug.

I can't... We're not...
No touching allowed!

Oh. Well, sit down, then.

Relax, babe.

So what do you think of the get-up?

Oh, I got some queer looks
on the train ride over here.

I can't think why.

Er, Mr Parfitt
said something about a cake?

Yeah, that's why I'm here, love.

Is it your birthday?

What? No.

Oh! Just a little treat, is it?

Dougie's good like that.

So how's the restaurant going?

Going great. I'm opening a new place
in Hoxton.

Drinks, tapas, live music.

Book me a table Friday week.

Good to see you haven't
lost your sense of humour.

I have.

- I was making a real effort there.
- Whatever, dude.

- ? Happy birthday... ?
- Ssh! Keep your voice down!

What is it?

It's a cake.

SNIFFS

What's in it?

Chocolate.

My chef made it for you special.

All right. Thanks,
Luke, I appreciate it.

Glad you didn't put any numbers on it.

The big 3-0.

Given any thought to what you'll do
when you get out?

I'm planning a week of
vodka-fuelled depravity.

Well, that's a given.
I meant after that.

I just want to do all the things
that normal people take for granted.

Fish and chips on the beach.
Cup of tea round my mum's house.

Parking ticket on the way home.

What about you? What are
you doing this weekend?

Fish and chips on the beach, then
a cup of tea round your mum's house.

I hope you get a parking ticket.

BUZZER

I like you. Give your auntie a bell
when you get out of here.

Spot check! All those
who have received gifts

place them on the table for inspection,

and park yourselves
on the green chairs.

SCANNER WHIRS

You all right, mate?

- You all right?
- Why do you ask?

Cos you're sweating,
and it's freezing in here.

HE SIGHS

It's just this inspection thing,
bro. It freaks me out.

It's just routine.

As a rule, they always check
a couple of them.

And of course they're searching mine.

Is that birthday cake?

- Yeah.
- So it's your birthday?

Well deduced, Watson.

How old are you?

A year older than I was last year.
What difference does it make?

Just another day on the calendar.

So you're 30.

That's so old!

Shut up.

She likes cake, then.
Hope she saves me a bit.

- She's proper scary, that new one.
- Yeah, I know.

- She's like Meekie's doppelganger.
- Yeah.

Doppel-what?

I mean his alter ego.

Celestial twin. Clone.

Ah, yeah. It's freaky, innit?

All right, grab your things,
off you go.

Where is it?

Where is what?

I had a package.
A box with a cake in it.

- A cake?
- Yeah, banana and walnut.

That's technically a loaf.

Whatever - it's been nicked!

Nicked?

I'd have thought he'd been inside
long enough to realise...

..that there's a large
criminal element in here.

THEY LAUGH

There's a wee tin of shortbread
for you, son.

Oh, it's been nicked!

- Where is it?
- I don't have it.

- Dougie won't like that answer.
- Look, I messed up, all right?

He'll like that even less.
Did you eat it?

What? No. I have this!

Dougie don't like shortbread.

He wants his loaf.

And he better have it before lockdown,

otherwise things could get very ugly.

Snip, snip, snip!

HE GIGGLES

GIGGLING CONTINUES

Hey, I've got another one.

Papillon. Steve McQueen.

Gets sent for life to Devil's Island.

That's not a nick. It's an island.

It's a nick on an island!

It's a penal colony. It don't count.

I shall put it to the others.

Of course, they won't have heard of it.

Won't have heard of Steve McQueen.

Here, what's that?

- Birthday cake.
- Ooh!

Good.

Shall we have a slice?

On the actual day, Joe,
on the actual day.

You mean the actual day
that you actually turn 30?

I might not give you an
actual slice for that.

You've got to help me, Fletch.
Talk to Parfitt, please!

- Oh, it never ends.
- He made me pick up a package

from some woman
pretending to be my auntie.

Contraband, no doubt,
and you were the unwitting mule.

It was there for the inspection,
and then it was gone.

All that was left was this.
Please talk to him,

or Scudds is going to do
that snippy-snippy thing!

All right, all right, calm down.

Just wind it back a bit.
Who else had visitors today?

There was me, there was you, there
was that one with the ginger hair,

there was the skinny bloke
with the wonky eye,

then there was Ullett.

Ullett! Look no further.

What is it? What do you want?

- Nice visit today, was it
- All right. My sister-in-law.

- She bring you anything nice? Yeah.
- Tin of shortbread.

Mmm. Shortbread. I'm partial to
a bit of shortbread.

You going to give me a bit, then?

I would do, only, um... Only what?

- Only I can't remember where I put it.
- Oh!

It wouldn't happen to be
THIS tin of shortbread, would it?

Oh, I wondered where that had got to.

I reckon you saw something else you
fancied, and nicked that instead.

Why would I do that?

Cos you're a thieving
little turd, Alec.

I tell you what, I'll do you a favour.

Give me the cake box you nicked and
I won't tell Parfitt you took it.

You can't prove anything.

I don't have to.

I'll just tell Scuddsy,
and he can take it from there.

Snip, snip.

BUZZER

DOOR SLAMS

- Is that my cake?
- It is, Dougie.

How come it took so
long to get it here?

There was an inspection.

- They took it to the lab?
- No, no.

Just got mislaid en route.

As packages can.

Long story short, here it is.

- You had a bite?
- No.

Of course not.

Just as well, you'd be out
of your head if you had.

What the hell is this?

Oh, dear! That's not banana and walnut!

No, I can see that.

It's actually my cake.
It's my birthday tomorrow.

- Really? Big one, is it?
- 30.

How would you like
30 burning candles up your bum?

- Don't think I would, Dougie.
- Then find my cake.

- Think I know where the other one is.
- You'd better.

Oh, got another one -
Two Way Stretch, Peter Sellers.

Not now, Joe.

BANGING

Is that you, Mr Meekie?

I can always sense your presence.

Must be your aura.

Maybe that's the aftershave you wear?

Sporran for men.

Oh.

Officer Gemmell.

- You were expecting someone else?
- I thought you were Mr Meekie.

- Do I look like Mr Meekie?
- Is that a trick question?

Don't be insolent.

What are you doing,
poking around my cell?

I'm seeing where you live.

And I think knowing as much
about you as possible is essential.

- What have you got there?
- What have I got where?

There.

My birthday cake.

Hm.

- So, what's this?
- Probably another birthday cake.

I've got a lot of admirers.

- So you have two cakes?
- It would seem so.

Isn't that a wee bit excessive,
even if you are turning 30?

- Who told you that?
- Ah...

Why don't I relieve you of this one
and we'll say no more.

Take this one, Officer Gemmell.

It's much nicer. Chocolate ganache.

I've already tried some of that.

Very nice, so it was.

But I think I'll try this one, now.

Two minutes to lock-up,
everyone back to your cells!

Night-night!

DOOR SLAMS

Still on duty, Officer Gemmell?

Deputising. Officer Pringle
is down with a stomach bug.

- Did he have the prawns?
- Apparently.

I warned him.

A long day for you.

I had no plans.

I don't lead a very active social life.

Well, we'll have to see what
we can do about that.

The staff are having a ping-pong
tournament over the weekend.

Shall I put you and I
down for the mixed doubles?

Don't you think that's a little
premature, Mr Meekie?

You know how rumours start.

Well...

Have a think about it.

- Is this a gift?
- In a way.

Looks very tasty,
I'll maybe join you later for a bit.

Er, a piece... A cake... Slice.

I may have to start without you.

GROANS

- Oh, why don't you get some kip?
- I can't, Joe.

I'm screwed.

They're going to come down on me hard.

The cake could just be that-a cake.

Oh, give me a break, Joe.

Dougie wouldn't have gone to all
that trouble and been so panicked

if it was just banana and bloody
walnut! It's got drugs in it.

And he was going to sell it by the
slice, no doubt.

HE GROANS

Oh, it's amazing to me
how crims can't stop being crims.

I mean, he's got a chance of parole
quite soon and he's still at it.

Yeah, it's not going on his record,
is it? It's going on mine!

I can't rat him out.

I'm going to get solitary
and time on my stretch.

Plus Scuddsy still might work me over.

Mm.

Dead man walking.

Yeah.

That's what it feels like.

No, that's another prison movie.

That might make me the winner.

MUSIC

OFFICER GEMMELL WAILS AND SCREECHES

ALARM

Officer Gemmell! What on earth has
possessed you, woman?

Feel that!

You're clearly out of control.
Have you been drinking?

Oh..

No, no...

? The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not... ?

Wild night last night, eh, Mr Meekie?

Can you tell me the cause of it?

You know very well what the
cause of it was, lad.

Officer Gemmell ate something
she shouldn't have.

It was in a bakery box
that she took from you.

That was your cake.

No, it wasn't, Mr Meekie.

You saw my cake.
Yesterday's inspection.

Chocolate ganache. You both stuck
your ballpoints into it, remember?

Something doesn't smell
right about this.

Yeah, I told you about
that, it's your aftershave.

Shh!

I don't know how you did what you
did, but I know that you did it.

You have destroyed the career
of an exemplary officer,

with an unblemished record.

Now, this investigation isn't over
yet, and when I can prove what

I already know, you'll be spending
a very long time in the hole.

How do you feel about that?

Piece of cake.

Tell me something good, Fletch,

cos, as I understand it, my
merchandise has been impounded.

- True, but...
- But what?

- They're going to give it back to me?
- No.

But they can't trace it back to you
or anyone else, plus,

and this is a big plus,
we've said goodbye to the evil twin.

Where is she?

Word is she's been
sent for psychiatric evaluation,

then there'll be counselling,
we won't be seeing her again.

Just for the record,
what was in that cake?

It was a loaf.

Right.

What was in that loaf?

Bananas, walnuts, butter,
dash of nutmeg and mushrooms.

Magic.

Oh. Right.

Now, I'm missing a cake,
I can't just let that go.

Now, as it's your birthday,
I'm going to give you a choice,

either Scudds here can give you
a bit of a working over

or you can owe me a favour.

Can I owe you a favour?

DOOR SLAMS

Ah, good day, eh, boys?

Everything sorted, everything cool.

Yeah, chalk one up to the good guys.

Are we going to sing
you Happy Birthday?

Please don't.

I hate that song.

Mmm! Oh, scrumptious!

Oh, that is sensational!

Welcome back, Mr Braithwaite.

Did they realise they
couldn't live without you?

Never mind that.

That transfer to admin was
a wake-up call for me.

It made me realise I've been much
too soft with you lot,

too sympathetic
and much too bloody lenient.

You said it yourself before, Fletcher,

"There is them and there is us,"
and I am firmly on the side of them.

Or is it us?

Well, looking at it
from our point of view, we'd be us

- and you'd be them.
- Then I'm right.

Except from your point of view,
you'd be us and we'd be them.

He's got you there, Mr B.

Oh, just shut up, the lot of you!

Mr Meekie has it right,
there is no best in you people,

there's only bad and worse.
And he had another one.

Despicable.

That's it.

So, from now on, my attitude will be

unequivocal, uncompromising
hostility and mistrust.

Quite right, Mr Braithwaite.
I think some of us, on reflection,

have been a bit overfamiliar with you.

We'd like to apologise,
wouldn't we, lads?

- Yes. Yes.
- I'm not sure that's...

No, I've seen people mistake
your kindness for gullibility

and that is plain wrong. Piece of cake?

- It's his birthday.
- It does look good.

- Oh, it is good.
- So rich.

Take a seat, Mr Braithwaite.
Take the weight of your feet.

- Oh, gosh.
- Mmm.

Oh, gosh, that's so good.
The sponge is so light.

Mmm!

You know, often,
they use too much sugar.

I've noticed that, Mr Braithwaite.
Well, this is nice, isn't it?

- Like old times.
- Yes, it's good to be back.

Yeah.

This game you've all been playing,

would Chicken Run count
as a prison movie?

THEY ALL MURMUR

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