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1
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Nigel Norman Fletcher, you have been
found guilty of the charges
2
00:00:04,351 --> 00:00:08,149
brought against you, and it is now
my duty to pass sentence.
3
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:10,743
DOORS SLAM, LOCKS CLICK
4
00:00:10,876 --> 00:00:13,516
Cybercrime is a modern menace,
5
00:00:13,516 --> 00:00:15,116
and a man of your obvious
6
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:17,036
ingenuity and intelligence
7
00:00:17,036 --> 00:00:19,996
might have used his gifts
on behalf of society.
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00:00:19,996 --> 00:00:22,596
LOCKS CLICK, BUZZER
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00:00:22,596 --> 00:00:24,796
Instead, you chose to employ them
10
00:00:24,796 --> 00:00:27,476
in a pursuit of self-indulgence,
11
00:00:27,476 --> 00:00:29,236
greed and gain.
12
00:00:29,236 --> 00:00:30,876
LOCK CLICKS AND BEEPS
13
00:00:30,876 --> 00:00:36,756
You will now face the consequences
and go to prison for five years.
14
00:00:36,756 --> 00:00:38,796
DOOR SLAMS
15
00:00:38,796 --> 00:00:41,396
Is your wife still keeping up with AA?
16
00:00:41,396 --> 00:00:45,476
Yeah, but it's a bit difficult,
cos she's doing OA as well.
17
00:00:45,476 --> 00:00:46,836
What's that?
18
00:00:46,836 --> 00:00:48,356
Overeaters Anonymous.
19
00:00:50,156 --> 00:00:54,076
And she's got NA, Narcotics Anonymous.
20
00:00:54,076 --> 00:00:55,356
Has she got a job yet?
21
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,596
Well, she's applied
for something at the FA.
22
00:00:58,676 --> 00:00:59,916
What one's that?
23
00:00:59,916 --> 00:01:02,596
Football Association,
24
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,276
but I don't think she'll get it.
25
00:01:04,276 --> 00:01:06,436
She's got to apply for her
job-seeker's allowance.
26
00:01:06,436 --> 00:01:08,276
Oh, how does she go about that?
27
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:10,796
Well, she needs to go down the
job centre, tell her to take her
28
00:01:10,796 --> 00:01:13,676
P45 with her, and she's going to
fill out a form or two.
29
00:01:13,676 --> 00:01:17,596
She's got to take some sandwiches,
cos she'll be there three days.
30
00:01:17,596 --> 00:01:19,956
Cheers, Fletch. I owe you.
31
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I know. It's in the book.
32
00:01:21,276 --> 00:01:22,316
Next.
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00:01:25,076 --> 00:01:27,956
My Sheila liked your letter -
going to come for a visit.
34
00:01:27,956 --> 00:01:29,316
Oh, that's great, Loomis.
35
00:01:29,316 --> 00:01:31,236
Yeah. Can you do another one for Gail?
36
00:01:31,236 --> 00:01:32,556
Who's that? Old flame?
37
00:01:32,556 --> 00:01:34,196
No, no. It's my wife.
38
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:38,036
Oh, you're on fire, aren't you?
39
00:01:40,276 --> 00:01:41,716
What's he in for, bigamy?
40
00:01:41,716 --> 00:01:43,076
No, he's an arsonist.
41
00:01:45,196 --> 00:01:47,156
You wrote a letter to my wife Gwynneth.
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00:01:47,156 --> 00:01:48,196
- Did I?
- Owen.
43
00:01:48,196 --> 00:01:50,196
- Owen.
- Ten days ago.
44
00:01:50,196 --> 00:01:52,276
She's written back.
Can you read it for me, please?
45
00:01:52,276 --> 00:01:54,876
You know, if there's a queue, Owen,
you don't have to wait for me.
46
00:01:54,876 --> 00:01:57,116
Just give it to one of the screws.
They read all the mail.
47
00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:58,196
That's shocking, that.
48
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I don't want them being privy to
my innermost thoughts.
49
00:02:00,676 --> 00:02:04,036
Well, they're my innermost thoughts,
because I wrote it for you.
50
00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:05,716
Let's have a look, shall we?
51
00:02:05,716 --> 00:02:11,196
"Dear Owen, I read your letter
and apreciate..." Only one P.
52
00:02:11,196 --> 00:02:13,796
"..that you are so in remorse
for what you've done.
53
00:02:13,796 --> 00:02:15,916
"Trouble is,
you had done what you'd done before
54
00:02:15,916 --> 00:02:17,356
"and you'd done it before that,
55
00:02:17,356 --> 00:02:18,916
"and my fear is you'll do it again,
56
00:02:18,916 --> 00:02:21,636
"just like you had done
all those other times."
57
00:02:21,636 --> 00:02:22,756
What does she mean by that?
58
00:02:22,756 --> 00:02:24,526
She thinks you're an
incorrigible recidivist.
59
00:02:24,533 --> 00:02:25,116
A what?
60
00:02:25,116 --> 00:02:27,516
She thinks you've done it before.
61
00:02:27,516 --> 00:02:29,076
Hold on, there's more.
62
00:02:29,076 --> 00:02:31,996
"I've decided I will visit you,
even though the girls at the salon
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00:02:31,996 --> 00:02:34,396
"advise against it,
on account of what you done,
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00:02:34,396 --> 00:02:35,847
"and the last time you done it, you
65
00:02:35,854 --> 00:02:37,842
done it during the national anthem."
66
00:02:40,636 --> 00:02:42,876
- You didn't, did you?
- I couldn't help myself.
67
00:02:45,276 --> 00:02:47,036
"PS, your spelling's improved.
68
00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:49,116
"Good to see you're learning
something inside."
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00:02:49,116 --> 00:02:50,956
Case closed. That's you done.
70
00:02:54,316 --> 00:02:56,636
All right, Bluebeard? Sit down.
71
00:02:56,636 --> 00:02:57,756
What can I do for you?
72
00:02:57,756 --> 00:02:59,436
I want my brother killed.
73
00:03:02,436 --> 00:03:03,596
Oh, yeah?
74
00:03:03,596 --> 00:03:05,116
And when do you want this to happen?
75
00:03:05,116 --> 00:03:07,476
Christmas Eve.
76
00:03:07,476 --> 00:03:09,676
This is Fletcher's Friday Clinic,
you muppet.
77
00:03:09,676 --> 00:03:12,396
You want Murder Incorporated -
they're over on E wing.
78
00:03:15,636 --> 00:03:18,236
I think I need a break after that.
79
00:03:18,236 --> 00:03:21,156
You know, considering
we don't do any killing,
80
00:03:21,156 --> 00:03:22,516
we're making a killing!
81
00:03:22,516 --> 00:03:25,316
Yeah, well, if I can help
someone as I pass along...
82
00:03:25,316 --> 00:03:27,956
Just make sure they all pay up.
Get us a cup of tea.
83
00:03:27,956 --> 00:03:30,116
I'm Barry, Barry Mayhew.
84
00:03:30,116 --> 00:03:32,036
All right, Barry?
You're new, aren't you?
85
00:03:32,036 --> 00:03:34,596
- How are you holding up?
- Yeah, keeping it together, just.
86
00:03:34,596 --> 00:03:35,876
It's rough sometimes, mate,
87
00:03:35,876 --> 00:03:37,956
but remember, the first two years
are the worst.
88
00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:39,756
Well, that's some consolation.
89
00:03:39,756 --> 00:03:41,396
I'm just geeing you up. Sit down.
90
00:03:43,276 --> 00:03:44,916
You look seriously stressed, Barry.
91
00:03:44,916 --> 00:03:46,876
You can't do that.
You've got to put up a front,
92
00:03:46,876 --> 00:03:48,196
and you've got to walk the walk,
93
00:03:48,196 --> 00:03:49,936
otherwise they'll all
think you're a fraggle.
94
00:03:49,943 --> 00:03:50,516
Fraggle?
95
00:03:50,516 --> 00:03:51,756
Someone who's vulnerable.
96
00:03:51,756 --> 00:03:53,436
Oh, right, yeah, cheers.
97
00:03:53,436 --> 00:03:54,796
The thing is, I need a favour.
98
00:03:54,796 --> 00:03:56,516
Well, it'd better not be
a fiscal favour.
99
00:03:56,516 --> 00:03:57,836
I can't put my hands on any money
100
00:03:57,836 --> 00:03:59,516
till I get out of here
and find a shovel.
101
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,116
No, I need you to write me a letter.
102
00:04:05,116 --> 00:04:06,836
I've been watching you,
listening to you
103
00:04:06,836 --> 00:04:08,436
when you're talking to the others,
104
00:04:08,436 --> 00:04:10,956
you know, and you've obviously got a
way with words,
105
00:04:10,956 --> 00:04:14,276
and I don't...
106
00:04:14,276 --> 00:04:16,276
have a way with words.
107
00:04:16,276 --> 00:04:18,516
So I see. Letter to your brief?
108
00:04:18,516 --> 00:04:21,276
Girlfriend. Well, ex.
109
00:04:21,276 --> 00:04:23,676
Listen, do you know enough to
know how it works in here?
110
00:04:23,676 --> 00:04:25,956
Yeah, do you want sweets,
soap or smokes?
111
00:04:25,956 --> 00:04:30,116
Well, currency of any sort,
but phone credit's my favourite.
112
00:04:30,116 --> 00:04:31,316
This is her.
113
00:04:31,316 --> 00:04:33,556
Mmm. Pretty girl.
114
00:04:33,556 --> 00:04:36,316
Yeah. I let her down real bad,
and I just need to...
115
00:04:36,316 --> 00:04:37,756
Convey the extent of your remorse?
116
00:04:37,756 --> 00:04:41,396
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and make her
realise, like, that I'm...
117
00:04:41,396 --> 00:04:42,436
Consumed by guilt?
118
00:04:42,436 --> 00:04:45,676
Can't sleep at night knowing you've
betrayed her trust? Yeah. Yeah?
119
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,476
You seem like a nice
enough fella, Barry.
120
00:04:47,476 --> 00:04:51,236
Tell me, why did it all go wrong
with... what's her name? Joanne.
121
00:04:51,236 --> 00:04:53,916
Joanne. I went out with a Joanne once.
122
00:04:53,916 --> 00:04:57,156
She left me for a lady contortionist
at the Cirque du Soleil.
123
00:04:57,156 --> 00:05:00,236
Talk about getting
your knickers in a twist.
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00:05:00,236 --> 00:05:02,516
I ripped off her parents' life savings.
125
00:05:02,516 --> 00:05:06,236
Oh. I was hoping for something
simple like bonking her mate.
126
00:05:06,236 --> 00:05:08,276
I had this sure-fire deal,
couldn't miss -
127
00:05:08,276 --> 00:05:09,436
property development.
128
00:05:09,436 --> 00:05:12,396
I persuaded her old man to come in
on it. We'd make a bomb, I told him.
129
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,316
All went tits up. They lost everything.
130
00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:15,356
Market crashed?
131
00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:17,796
No, it made a fortune,
but then I embezzled it.
132
00:05:20,436 --> 00:05:22,996
Bit of an uphill, Barry,
getting Joanne back on your side.
133
00:05:22,996 --> 00:05:25,956
I just want to express my shame
and self-loathing.
134
00:05:25,956 --> 00:05:28,036
That's good. Get that down.
135
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:30,716
You know, this reminds me of
my own situation.
136
00:05:30,716 --> 00:05:33,196
I had a girlfriend with expensive
tastes once called Davina.
137
00:05:33,196 --> 00:05:36,236
Would you not forgive you?
Forgiveness didn't come into it.
138
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,316
As soon as I got collared,
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00:05:37,316 --> 00:05:39,536
she left me for some Argentinian
tool who plays for Man City.
140
00:05:39,543 --> 00:05:40,276
Who?
141
00:05:40,276 --> 00:05:41,316
Esteban.
142
00:05:41,316 --> 00:05:43,536
Esteban? He had a
blinder against Stoke.
143
00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:44,276
Yeah.
144
00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:47,556
My greatest hope is that he'll get
a transfer to Shakhtar Donetsk.
145
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She won't find a Prada store there.
146
00:05:50,236 --> 00:05:51,516
DOOR SLAMS
147
00:05:51,516 --> 00:05:52,596
BUZZER
148
00:05:54,236 --> 00:05:55,836
What are you writing, Norm?
149
00:05:55,836 --> 00:05:57,676
- I'm writing a letter from the heart.
- Uh-huh?
150
00:05:57,676 --> 00:06:00,236
Not my heart,
some bloke called Barry's.
151
00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:03,676
He went for his fiancee's folks'
savings. Needs to explain.
152
00:06:03,676 --> 00:06:04,756
Needs closure.
153
00:06:04,756 --> 00:06:07,316
Needs a bloody good belting,
if you ask me.
154
00:06:07,316 --> 00:06:10,036
Come on, Joe, we've all
let someone down...
155
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,956
wives, girlfriends, families...
156
00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:14,436
He thought he was doing right
by them, but he lost the lot.
157
00:06:14,436 --> 00:06:15,756
The dad drives an Uber now.
158
00:06:15,756 --> 00:06:18,476
Ah, well, swindlers we called them
back in my day.
159
00:06:18,476 --> 00:06:20,436
Con artists. Spivs.
160
00:06:20,436 --> 00:06:22,236
Sneaky crims, you know?
161
00:06:22,236 --> 00:06:23,556
We're all crims, Joe.
162
00:06:23,556 --> 00:06:26,236
Oh, no. No, there's a difference.
163
00:06:26,236 --> 00:06:29,116
Folk like me, we are robbers.
164
00:06:29,116 --> 00:06:33,596
We're a cut above, cos we do banks
and warehouses and wages vans,
165
00:06:33,596 --> 00:06:37,396
and that needs prep,
application and graft,
166
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,076
and there's something noble in that.
167
00:06:39,076 --> 00:06:42,716
Oh, yeah, very noble -
an old-school cosh over the head.
168
00:06:42,716 --> 00:06:45,756
There's nothing wrong with old-school.
169
00:06:45,756 --> 00:06:50,076
Cos let me tell you something about
back then-people connected.
170
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,996
They talked, and I don't just
mean on Facebook.
171
00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:55,156
I mean face-to-face.
172
00:06:55,156 --> 00:06:58,996
Huh, and a pint was two bob
and a packet of fags was half that.
173
00:06:58,996 --> 00:07:01,356
Ah, I never had to buy a pint.
174
00:07:01,356 --> 00:07:04,556
Every time we walked into the pub,
it was drinks on the house,
175
00:07:04,556 --> 00:07:05,636
and do you know why?
176
00:07:05,636 --> 00:07:09,236
Cos you were holding
a sawn-off shotgun?
177
00:07:09,236 --> 00:07:11,316
No, you prannock,
178
00:07:11,316 --> 00:07:12,836
because we had a reputation.
179
00:07:12,836 --> 00:07:15,316
We weren't pickpockets or perverts.
180
00:07:15,316 --> 00:07:17,836
We were a business.
181
00:07:17,836 --> 00:07:20,476
I went down to London once
and the Kray brothers took us to
182
00:07:20,476 --> 00:07:22,476
The Talk Of The Town.
183
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,436
Liza Minnelli...
184
00:07:24,436 --> 00:07:26,956
I've still got the programme somewhere.
185
00:07:26,956 --> 00:07:30,396
You've had your moments, Joe.
Great memories.
186
00:07:30,396 --> 00:07:33,516
Yeah, there's some things
you just never forget.
187
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:37,516
What is it?
188
00:07:37,516 --> 00:07:39,276
It could have been Shirley Bassey.
189
00:07:41,436 --> 00:07:43,596
Nice wee racket you've got here,
Fletcher.
190
00:07:43,596 --> 00:07:45,716
I don't know what you're
talking about, Mr Meekie.
191
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:48,196
I've seen them lining up
for your advice...
192
00:07:48,196 --> 00:07:51,916
the lovelorn and the lost, the
no-hopers and the not-guilty club.
193
00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:54,196
Well, they're all entitled
to an appeal.
194
00:07:54,196 --> 00:07:56,716
All Fletch does is find
the right words.
195
00:07:56,716 --> 00:07:58,756
You're helping young Mayhew, I gather?
196
00:07:58,756 --> 00:08:00,756
I don't see why not.
He's not a bad lad.
197
00:08:00,756 --> 00:08:03,276
Of course he's a bad
lad-that's why he's in here!
198
00:08:05,156 --> 00:08:07,356
Just a letter to his girlfriend, is it?
199
00:08:07,356 --> 00:08:09,556
Uh... That is not on.
200
00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:12,156
He'll read it before I send it,
anyways. What's the point?
201
00:08:12,156 --> 00:08:14,556
Some of these phrases seem familiar.
202
00:08:14,556 --> 00:08:16,996
"The smouldering embers of our love"...
203
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:19,756
quite similar to your letter to
the arsonist's mistress.
204
00:08:19,756 --> 00:08:21,276
Well, it did some good.
205
00:08:21,276 --> 00:08:23,596
He hasn't set fire to
his mattress since then.
206
00:08:26,036 --> 00:08:27,516
Here we go, Jacko.
207
00:08:27,516 --> 00:08:29,956
I've written a letter to the
Court of Appeal on your behalf.
208
00:08:29,956 --> 00:08:32,076
I have made it clear that
you were wrongly convicted
209
00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:34,636
and nowhere near the scene of the
crime on the date in question.
210
00:08:34,636 --> 00:08:37,396
That's what I was saying...
I was stitched up...
211
00:08:37,396 --> 00:08:40,716
and when I get out of here,
I'm going to sue the Government.
212
00:08:40,716 --> 00:08:41,996
Well, that'll be extra.
213
00:08:44,516 --> 00:08:46,636
- He robbed a betting shop, didn't he?
- Allegedly.
214
00:08:46,636 --> 00:08:47,751
What do you think his chances are?
215
00:08:47,758 --> 00:08:49,356
Well, seeing as he wasn't wearing
216
00:08:49,356 --> 00:08:53,036
a mask and there were 22
eyewitnesses, I'd say 1,000 to 1.
217
00:08:53,036 --> 00:08:55,596
Your letter didn't work, mate.
She doesn't want to know.
218
00:08:55,596 --> 00:08:59,076
Oh. That was one of my best efforts.
Bit of a masterpiece, I thought.
219
00:08:59,076 --> 00:09:00,316
She didn't even open it.
220
00:09:00,316 --> 00:09:02,236
Says she doesn't want to
read anything I write
221
00:09:02,236 --> 00:09:03,476
or hear anything I have to say.
222
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,156
Not good, Fletch. He's due a refund.
223
00:09:05,156 --> 00:09:06,436
Oi, I'll be the judge of that!
224
00:09:08,316 --> 00:09:11,236
I'll tell you what,
I'll write to her from me.
225
00:09:11,236 --> 00:09:12,516
How will that work?
226
00:09:12,516 --> 00:09:14,996
Well, she'll have to read the letter
out of sheer curiosity.
227
00:09:14,996 --> 00:09:18,676
I will state your case in sincere
and eloquent prose, tell her how
228
00:09:18,676 --> 00:09:21,676
much you're hurting and how much a
visit could help to heal old wounds.
229
00:09:21,676 --> 00:09:22,996
Worth a try, I suppose.
230
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,636
Yeah. Leave it with me, Barry.
231
00:09:27,556 --> 00:09:30,036
You perform quite a service here,
don't you, Fletcher?
232
00:09:30,036 --> 00:09:32,876
I like to think so, Mr Braithwaite.
Pull up a chair.
233
00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:36,716
Tell me your problems. Unload.
Usual rates apply.
234
00:09:36,716 --> 00:09:37,996
I haven't got any problems.
235
00:09:37,996 --> 00:09:39,156
Yeah, could have fooled me.
236
00:09:39,156 --> 00:09:40,196
Come again?
237
00:09:40,196 --> 00:09:41,756
- Want a cup of tea?
- Oh, lovely.
238
00:09:43,356 --> 00:09:46,396
No, I'm quite content with my life,
Fletcher.
239
00:09:46,396 --> 00:09:49,276
Married 23 years,
both kids went to uni...
240
00:09:49,276 --> 00:09:51,516
Yes, it's all very settled.
241
00:09:51,516 --> 00:09:54,556
Oh. You can't settle for settled,
Mr Braithwaite.
242
00:09:54,556 --> 00:09:56,156
Your old lady'll get tired of it.
243
00:09:56,156 --> 00:09:59,756
Now she's free of kids, all of her
hidden yearnings could come out.
244
00:09:59,756 --> 00:10:01,116
What hidden yearnings?
245
00:10:01,116 --> 00:10:02,516
Oh, we all have them.
246
00:10:02,516 --> 00:10:05,276
You'll get home one evening,
there'll be a note on the fridge,
247
00:10:05,276 --> 00:10:07,636
"Sorry, dear,
but I've had enough of settled.
248
00:10:07,636 --> 00:10:09,796
"Remember that nice young man
who fixed our roof?
249
00:10:09,796 --> 00:10:12,516
"Well, we've bought a camper van
and we're off to explore the world,
250
00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:13,556
"and each other.
251
00:10:13,556 --> 00:10:15,516
"PS, there's a chicken casserole
in the oven.
252
00:10:15,516 --> 00:10:16,796
"Preheat at 180. Goodbye."
253
00:10:17,796 --> 00:10:19,916
No, no, no. No.
254
00:10:19,916 --> 00:10:20,956
Really?
255
00:10:20,956 --> 00:10:24,316
Yeah. You've got to keep things
buzzing, Mr Braithwaite.
256
00:10:24,316 --> 00:10:26,476
You've got to surprise her.
Well, how do I do that?
257
00:10:26,476 --> 00:10:29,676
Well, get home early tonight
before she does.
258
00:10:29,676 --> 00:10:32,116
Get a good bottle of wine
and stick it in a bucket of ice.
259
00:10:32,116 --> 00:10:34,236
A box of expensive chocolates
wouldn't go amiss.
260
00:10:34,236 --> 00:10:36,956
Oh, how expensive?
Are we talking Celebrations?
261
00:10:38,556 --> 00:10:41,156
Well, no.
You've got to push the boat out.
262
00:10:41,156 --> 00:10:42,796
Terry's All Gold it is.
263
00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:47,436
Whatever. Anyway, dim the lights.
264
00:10:47,436 --> 00:10:49,956
Buble or Bacharach on the sound system.
265
00:10:49,956 --> 00:10:51,156
She comes in.
266
00:10:51,156 --> 00:10:54,356
You suggest she relax in a hot bath
with a chilled glass of wine,
267
00:10:54,356 --> 00:10:56,076
but you've already run the tub.
268
00:10:56,076 --> 00:10:58,916
You see, you've surrounded it
with scented candles,
269
00:10:58,916 --> 00:11:02,116
giving off an atmosphere
of seduction and sensuality.
270
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,476
She had a bath on Tuesday.
271
00:11:13,356 --> 00:11:15,676
- She wrote back.
- Who?
272
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:18,436
Joanne, Mayhew's ex - wants a visit.
273
00:11:18,436 --> 00:11:20,596
Oh, I thought that was the idea.
274
00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:22,796
No, she wants to see me, not Barry.
275
00:11:25,676 --> 00:11:28,276
She said, "I'm curious to know
why anyone would want to stick up
276
00:11:28,276 --> 00:11:30,676
- "for him as much as you do."
- And will you see her?
277
00:11:30,676 --> 00:11:31,956
Well, I don't see why not.
278
00:11:31,956 --> 00:11:35,156
It can only help,
arguing his case face-to-face,
279
00:11:35,156 --> 00:11:36,596
and she's got a very pretty face.
280
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,676
Oh. I can see where this is leading.
281
00:11:39,676 --> 00:11:41,636
No, you don't.
282
00:11:41,636 --> 00:11:42,876
Should I tell him?
283
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:45,316
I probably should,
but I don't think I will.
284
00:11:45,316 --> 00:11:47,356
Maybe after, if it goes well.
285
00:11:47,356 --> 00:11:49,036
If it doesn't go well, no harm done.
286
00:11:49,036 --> 00:11:50,476
So, don't say anything, all right?
287
00:11:50,476 --> 00:11:52,316
Oh, it's none of my business.
288
00:11:52,316 --> 00:11:55,516
I used to get women visitors
when I was in Parkhurst -
289
00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:57,956
women that I'd never met
and never heard of.
290
00:11:57,956 --> 00:12:00,516
I think they were titillated
by the thought of meeting
291
00:12:00,516 --> 00:12:02,156
a real bank robber.
292
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:03,636
Well, it does happen. Mm-hmm.
293
00:12:03,636 --> 00:12:05,356
Even lifers get marriage proposals.
294
00:12:05,356 --> 00:12:07,316
Did you ever get to conjugate
with any of them?
295
00:12:07,316 --> 00:12:09,396
Oh, no, I didn't fancy that.
296
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,676
What, in a cold little room
with one gas fire
297
00:12:11,676 --> 00:12:13,476
and the screw's eye at the peephole?
298
00:12:13,476 --> 00:12:15,396
Nah.
299
00:12:15,396 --> 00:12:18,996
Well, there was a prison officer
that took a fancy to me.
300
00:12:18,996 --> 00:12:20,956
She really liked me.
301
00:12:20,956 --> 00:12:22,316
- Yeah?
- How much?
302
00:12:22,316 --> 00:12:24,676
Once a week in the boiler room
and twice on Sundays.
303
00:12:24,676 --> 00:12:25,716
No!
304
00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:32,676
DOOR CLOSES
305
00:12:34,276 --> 00:12:37,076
- I'm Fletch.
- Yeah, I thought you probably were.
306
00:12:37,076 --> 00:12:39,316
Yeah. Have you got another name?
307
00:12:39,316 --> 00:12:41,836
Nigel. Nigel?
308
00:12:41,836 --> 00:12:44,636
You do not look like a Nigel.
309
00:12:44,636 --> 00:12:47,716
- What do Nigels look like?
- I don't know, just not you.
310
00:12:47,716 --> 00:12:49,676
I bet you don't get many
Nigels in the nick.
311
00:12:49,676 --> 00:12:52,916
No. I always thought it'd sound all
right if I ever got a knighthood.
312
00:12:52,916 --> 00:12:54,516
Sir Nigel Fletcher -
313
00:12:54,516 --> 00:12:57,676
It's got a nice ring to it,
like an ambassador,
314
00:12:57,676 --> 00:13:00,356
or that bloke who ripped off
all those pension funds.
315
00:13:02,756 --> 00:13:04,996
So, why did you write
those letters for Barry?
316
00:13:04,996 --> 00:13:08,076
I thought you didn't read the first
one. Well, of course I read it,
317
00:13:08,076 --> 00:13:10,076
and I knew that he hadn't written it.
318
00:13:10,076 --> 00:13:11,476
And then you read the one from me.
319
00:13:11,476 --> 00:13:14,956
Yeah, and you used a lot of
the same material, didn't you?
320
00:13:18,876 --> 00:13:20,636
I'm a great believer in recycling.
321
00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:25,276
I was very touched
by your letter, Owen.
322
00:13:25,276 --> 00:13:28,916
"I only hope the smouldering embers
of our love can be rekindled."
323
00:13:30,756 --> 00:13:32,996
You've never used words
like that before.
324
00:13:32,996 --> 00:13:34,836
They were from the heart, Gwynneth.
325
00:13:37,196 --> 00:13:40,516
It doesn't alter the fact you've
done things you shouldn't have done.
326
00:13:40,516 --> 00:13:42,156
I haven't done them of late.
327
00:13:43,276 --> 00:13:45,276
I should hope not. Not in here!
328
00:13:46,916 --> 00:13:52,276
"The only fire I now want to start
is one in your heart.
329
00:13:52,276 --> 00:13:56,796
"I only hope the smouldering embers
of our love can be rekindled."
330
00:13:58,956 --> 00:14:00,716
That's poetry, Brian.
331
00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,196
No, it's plagiarism.
332
00:14:04,836 --> 00:14:07,676
So, what do you do, Joanne?
333
00:14:07,676 --> 00:14:09,076
This and that. I went to uni.
334
00:14:09,076 --> 00:14:11,036
That didn't really open any doors.
335
00:14:11,036 --> 00:14:14,356
And then I took a gap year out,
sold a bit of jewellery online...
336
00:14:14,356 --> 00:14:15,556
I'm still finding my way.
337
00:14:15,556 --> 00:14:16,636
You could be a model.
338
00:14:16,636 --> 00:14:18,076
- What?- Nothing.
339
00:14:20,116 --> 00:14:22,716
- Are you hitting on me, Nigel?
- No.
340
00:14:22,716 --> 00:14:25,316
I thought you were here to argue
Barry's case.
341
00:14:25,316 --> 00:14:28,156
I do. I am. Erm...
342
00:14:28,156 --> 00:14:31,436
Look, he wants to see you, eye-to-eye,
343
00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:33,876
and explain how sorry he is
for everything that's happened,
344
00:14:33,876 --> 00:14:36,196
so maybe next time you could
come and see him, yeah?
345
00:14:36,196 --> 00:14:38,076
Well, I'll think about it.
346
00:14:40,076 --> 00:14:42,236
So, am I allowed to know
what you're in here for?
347
00:14:42,236 --> 00:14:43,556
I was a computer hacker.
348
00:14:43,556 --> 00:14:46,236
Oh, so you're clever, then, eh?
349
00:14:46,236 --> 00:14:48,956
I'm not that clever, Joanne.
I wouldn't be in here if I was.
350
00:14:50,436 --> 00:14:54,396
No, I'd be partying in Miami,
or on a catamaran in the Grenadines,
351
00:14:54,396 --> 00:14:58,156
or buying a gorgeous girl a glass
of Pinot Grigio in a local wine bar.
352
00:14:58,156 --> 00:15:00,676
I prefer a cheeky cocktail.
353
00:15:00,676 --> 00:15:02,716
FLETCH WHIMPERS
354
00:15:05,876 --> 00:15:07,839
Dangerous game you're
playing, Fletcher.
355
00:15:07,846 --> 00:15:08,556
What game?
356
00:15:08,556 --> 00:15:09,836
The one with Mayhew's lass.
357
00:15:09,836 --> 00:15:12,076
Shades of Cyrano De Bergerac.
358
00:15:12,076 --> 00:15:14,556
Didn't he used to play for Watford?
359
00:15:14,556 --> 00:15:18,716
It was a famous play
and more than one film.
360
00:15:18,716 --> 00:15:20,906
Oh, yeah. Isn't he the
geezer with the long nose?
361
00:15:20,913 --> 00:15:21,636
Precisely.
362
00:15:21,636 --> 00:15:23,036
It made him repellent to women,
363
00:15:23,036 --> 00:15:26,396
but he was a poet who penned
beautiful verse,
364
00:15:26,396 --> 00:15:29,676
so much so that his friend asked him
to write letters to a young woman
365
00:15:29,676 --> 00:15:30,876
he was madly in love with.
366
00:15:30,876 --> 00:15:34,636
The problem was, Cyrano fell for her,
367
00:15:34,636 --> 00:15:37,796
and the words he wrote
were from HIS heart.
368
00:15:37,796 --> 00:15:39,476
I don't see any comparison.
369
00:15:39,476 --> 00:15:42,476
I hardly know her
and my nose is normal.
370
00:15:42,476 --> 00:15:44,916
It'll be interesting to see
how this plays out.
371
00:15:47,276 --> 00:15:48,876
Cheers, Fletch. Worked a treat.
372
00:15:48,876 --> 00:15:50,476
Lit a spark, did it?
373
00:15:50,476 --> 00:15:51,996
Oh, and I liked your girlfriend.
374
00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:53,236
She's not my girlfriend.
375
00:15:53,236 --> 00:15:55,036
Not how it looked from where I was sat.
376
00:15:55,036 --> 00:15:57,356
She could light my fire, though,
no question.
377
00:16:00,236 --> 00:16:03,476
You know, if that wall wasn't
so high, we'd have a view.
378
00:16:03,476 --> 00:16:04,916
If that wall wasn't so high, Joe,
379
00:16:04,916 --> 00:16:07,196
people would be pole vaulting
over it all day long.
380
00:16:07,196 --> 00:16:09,676
You'd have to find a pole to
vault with first.
381
00:16:09,676 --> 00:16:11,996
I bet you could lash one up
in the workshop, I suppose,
382
00:16:11,996 --> 00:16:13,956
but where would you stash it?
383
00:16:13,956 --> 00:16:15,756
I love these pointless conversations.
384
00:16:15,756 --> 00:16:18,316
I think that's what I'm going to
miss most when I get out of here.
385
00:16:18,316 --> 00:16:19,476
Hey, how about a big window?
386
00:16:19,476 --> 00:16:21,396
I mean, it'd have to be bulletproof,
of course,
387
00:16:21,396 --> 00:16:23,396
but then we could see things.
388
00:16:23,396 --> 00:16:26,156
Trees, cows in the fields,
389
00:16:26,156 --> 00:16:28,036
a midwife on a bicycle...
390
00:16:28,036 --> 00:16:31,116
A tantalising glimpse
of her grey stocking.
391
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:32,836
I'd settle for that at my age.
392
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:35,636
Hey, I don't get it.
393
00:16:35,636 --> 00:16:37,756
How come she comes up here
and sees you and not me?
394
00:16:37,756 --> 00:16:39,876
- Those were Joanne's terms, Barry.
- Why?
395
00:16:39,876 --> 00:16:41,876
Don't bark down my throat.
396
00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:44,436
Look, I arranged for her
to take a phone call from you.
397
00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:47,076
- You did? Really?
- Yeah, really.
398
00:16:47,076 --> 00:16:48,956
Huh. Well, what am I
going to say to her?
399
00:16:48,956 --> 00:16:51,196
Well, the sort of thing I've been
saying to her so far.
400
00:16:51,196 --> 00:16:53,836
Oh, you have to help me.
I'll get tongue-tied and muck it up.
401
00:16:53,836 --> 00:16:55,556
Well, we'll think of something.
402
00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:57,476
Thanks, Fletch. You're a ledge.
403
00:17:00,516 --> 00:17:02,676
What are you thinking about?
404
00:17:02,676 --> 00:17:04,276
Cyrano De Bergerac.
405
00:17:04,276 --> 00:17:07,156
Yeah, Arsenal were mad to sell him.
406
00:17:10,556 --> 00:17:12,716
LOCK CLICKS
407
00:17:12,716 --> 00:17:15,956
"I've thought about hearing
your voice for so long."
408
00:17:15,956 --> 00:17:19,396
Oh, I'm freaked, Fletch.
My heart's racing. My mouth's dry.
409
00:17:19,396 --> 00:17:21,236
Don't worry, I'll talk you through it,
410
00:17:21,236 --> 00:17:23,636
and remember, calm but contrite.
411
00:17:30,596 --> 00:17:32,596
Joanne. Yeah, it's me.
412
00:17:32,596 --> 00:17:35,876
Oh, yeah,
I guess you know that, yeah. Erm...
413
00:17:35,876 --> 00:17:38,276
Yeah, no, thanks for taking
the... Erm...
414
00:17:38,276 --> 00:17:39,396
Yeah, no, I'm fine.
415
00:17:39,396 --> 00:17:42,596
Yeah, I'm just a bit thrown,
to hear your voice, you know?
416
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:44,036
I can't read my own writing.
417
00:17:46,236 --> 00:17:48,356
I've thought about hearing
your voice for so long.
418
00:17:48,356 --> 00:17:51,316
I've thought about hearing
your voice for so long.
419
00:17:51,316 --> 00:17:53,676
I've thought about seeing you,
seeing your face.
420
00:17:53,676 --> 00:17:56,556
I've thought about seeing you,
seeing your face.
421
00:17:56,556 --> 00:17:58,636
Not that your face has ever
been out of my mind.
422
00:17:58,636 --> 00:18:01,036
Not that your mind has ever
been out of my face.
423
00:18:03,836 --> 00:18:07,076
I love the way your hair
folds over your cheek,
424
00:18:07,076 --> 00:18:09,596
and your chin dimples when you smile.
425
00:18:09,596 --> 00:18:13,196
I love the way your hair folds
over your cheek, and, erm...
426
00:18:13,196 --> 00:18:14,796
Your chin dimples when you smile.
427
00:18:14,796 --> 00:18:16,716
And your chin dimples when you smi...
428
00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:19,436
What? No. Fletch isn't here.
What gives you that idea?
429
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:23,756
No, it's just me talking. Yeah.
430
00:18:23,756 --> 00:18:26,236
All right, I'll give him your regards.
431
00:18:26,236 --> 00:18:29,036
- He's a great bloke, Fletch.
- He's a great bloke, Fletch.
432
00:18:30,116 --> 00:18:31,436
More to him than meets the eye.
433
00:18:31,436 --> 00:18:33,196
More to him than meets the eye.
434
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:35,316
He's kind, sensitive, smart...
435
00:18:35,316 --> 00:18:36,716
Why is this all about you?
436
00:18:38,636 --> 00:18:42,196
What's that? Oh, yeah, magic, babes.
Yeah, next week.
437
00:18:42,196 --> 00:18:43,836
Yeah, I'll put in the application.
438
00:18:43,836 --> 00:18:45,796
I just want to work it out.
439
00:18:45,796 --> 00:18:48,316
Right, yeah. Bye.
440
00:18:48,316 --> 00:18:49,756
She's coming to visit.
441
00:18:49,756 --> 00:18:52,436
What you wanted.
All down to you, Fletch.
442
00:18:52,436 --> 00:18:54,676
She still sounds a bit wary,
so, you know,
443
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,916
we have got a lot of work to do,
haven't we?
444
00:18:56,916 --> 00:18:59,676
There's no we, Barry.
You're on your own.
445
00:18:59,676 --> 00:19:01,236
- I can't do this any more.
- But...
446
00:19:01,236 --> 00:19:04,036
No, words don't matter,
or how clever they are.
447
00:19:04,036 --> 00:19:05,796
What matters is if you mean them.
448
00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:08,116
It has to be from the heart.
That's how it works.
449
00:19:08,116 --> 00:19:09,316
LOCK CLICKS
450
00:19:12,156 --> 00:19:13,916
Mission accomplished, Fletcher?
451
00:19:15,996 --> 00:19:17,196
Sorry, Mr Meekie?
452
00:19:17,196 --> 00:19:20,396
Oh, it was the outcome you wanted,
surely.
453
00:19:20,396 --> 00:19:24,676
I can't help thinking you don't look
too chipper about it, though.
454
00:19:24,676 --> 00:19:26,636
Were my predictions correct?
455
00:19:26,636 --> 00:19:28,276
Is it Fletcher who's smitten?
456
00:19:29,396 --> 00:19:31,956
They should call you Cyrano, Mr Meekie,
457
00:19:31,956 --> 00:19:35,236
cos you're always poking your nose
in other people's business.
458
00:19:38,596 --> 00:19:40,636
DOORS SLAM
459
00:19:41,996 --> 00:19:46,796
Hey, remember that conversation
we had about a midwife on a bicycle?
460
00:19:46,796 --> 00:19:50,396
Well, I had a dream about one
last night,
461
00:19:50,396 --> 00:19:53,956
and then suddenly she started
looking a lot like Joan Collins.
462
00:19:53,956 --> 00:19:56,316
I mean, what's that all about?
463
00:19:56,316 --> 00:19:59,036
- I have absolutely no idea, Joe.
- DEODORANT HISSES
464
00:19:59,036 --> 00:20:01,156
Oh, have you got a visit?
465
00:20:01,156 --> 00:20:05,076
Cousin Harriet-married
to a bloke called Reg.
466
00:20:05,076 --> 00:20:06,876
Works in sewage reclamation.
467
00:20:06,876 --> 00:20:09,316
She's a nice girl, but she's not
the sharpest tool in the box.
468
00:20:09,316 --> 00:20:11,756
- And why does she want to see you?
- How should I know?
469
00:20:11,756 --> 00:20:13,756
Probably wants my
advice-Everyone else does.
470
00:20:13,756 --> 00:20:15,876
- Why are you so tetchy?
- Who says I'm tetchy?
471
00:20:15,876 --> 00:20:18,996
I know tetchy. You're tetchy.
472
00:20:18,996 --> 00:20:21,316
Let me guess why...
473
00:20:21,316 --> 00:20:25,316
It wouldn't have something to do
with Joanne, I suppose?
474
00:20:25,316 --> 00:20:26,596
Who?
475
00:20:26,596 --> 00:20:29,756
Oh, don't give me that.
Joanne, Barry's girl.
476
00:20:29,756 --> 00:20:32,156
Ah, she's coming today to see him,
isn't she?
477
00:20:32,156 --> 00:20:33,676
And you have fallen for her.
478
00:20:33,676 --> 00:20:35,636
- HE SCOFFS
- Of course I haven't.
479
00:20:35,636 --> 00:20:36,916
Ah, come on, Fletch.
480
00:20:36,916 --> 00:20:38,116
Ever since that last visit,
481
00:20:38,116 --> 00:20:40,556
you've been mooching around
all potato-faced.
482
00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:43,036
I tried to warn you,
but you wouldn't listen.
483
00:20:43,036 --> 00:20:44,276
Oh, knock it on the head, Joe.
484
00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:45,876
That's why no-one comes to visit you,
485
00:20:45,876 --> 00:20:47,556
cos you're always nausing people off.
486
00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:49,756
No, it's simpler than that.
487
00:20:49,756 --> 00:20:52,676
All my pals are either
banged up or dead.
488
00:20:54,996 --> 00:20:56,596
So, Reg booked us this holiday.
489
00:20:56,596 --> 00:20:58,516
He thought it might bring us
closer together,
490
00:20:58,516 --> 00:21:01,916
but a caravan in north Wales is
not my idea of a holiday.
491
00:21:01,916 --> 00:21:06,476
I got so bored of Reg, I pretended
I was ill so we'd come home early.
492
00:21:06,476 --> 00:21:09,436
Have you heard any of this, Nigel?
Nigel?
493
00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:11,716
Huh? Oh, sorry, Harriet.
494
00:21:11,716 --> 00:21:16,276
Yeah, north Wales -
bad idea, even when it doesn't rain.
495
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:20,156
The rain's not the problem.
It's me and Reg. I need your advice.
496
00:21:20,156 --> 00:21:21,796
Advice? Seriously?
497
00:21:21,796 --> 00:21:23,796
You were always the smartest one
in the family.
498
00:21:23,796 --> 00:21:27,276
It doesn't mean I'm the best person
to give advice. Look where I am.
499
00:21:27,276 --> 00:21:30,156
I think I want to leave Reg,
but I don't know how to go about it.
500
00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:31,796
Sounds like you need a divorce.
501
00:21:31,796 --> 00:21:34,196
It's not rocket science -
you just need grounds.
502
00:21:34,196 --> 00:21:36,756
Like what? Well, like desertion.
503
00:21:36,756 --> 00:21:37,956
Has he ever abandoned you?
504
00:21:37,956 --> 00:21:40,596
No, he's at home now.
505
00:21:40,596 --> 00:21:42,436
And he's not clinically insane?
506
00:21:42,436 --> 00:21:43,716
Of course not.
507
00:21:43,716 --> 00:21:45,956
Hmm... What about
unreasonable behaviour?
508
00:21:45,956 --> 00:21:48,276
Has he ever abused you
verbally or physically?
509
00:21:48,276 --> 00:21:49,436
Don't be daft!
510
00:21:49,436 --> 00:21:52,036
You know Reg - he keeps rabbits.
511
00:21:53,596 --> 00:21:55,396
KNOCKING LOUDLY
512
00:21:55,396 --> 00:21:57,196
No physical contact.
513
00:21:58,916 --> 00:22:00,876
Nigel!
514
00:22:00,876 --> 00:22:05,196
Well, that only leaves one thing,
doesn't it? Adultery.
515
00:22:05,196 --> 00:22:08,396
I think we've got him there, Nigel.
516
00:22:08,396 --> 00:22:10,436
He's not the father of my child.
517
00:22:15,356 --> 00:22:19,596
Oh, Fletch, my missus has got
a wicked new job...
518
00:22:19,596 --> 00:22:21,036
tea lady at Millwall.
519
00:22:22,036 --> 00:22:25,116
Oh, well, she won't be rushed off
her feet, the way they're playing.
520
00:22:25,116 --> 00:22:27,636
Well, thanks for the advice.
521
00:22:27,636 --> 00:22:30,076
- How's the baby?
- We haven't got a baby.
522
00:22:30,076 --> 00:22:32,916
You're thinking of Lockhart -
E Wing, cat burglar.
523
00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:34,636
Oh, yeah.
524
00:22:34,636 --> 00:22:36,676
She's feeling much more
secure now, is Gwynneth.
525
00:22:36,676 --> 00:22:38,356
- Gwynneth?
- My wife.
526
00:22:38,356 --> 00:22:40,556
Oh, good. Erm...
527
00:22:40,556 --> 00:22:41,796
COUGHING: Owen.
528
00:22:41,796 --> 00:22:44,476
Owen. Yeah, yeah.
Has she kicked the habit?
529
00:22:44,476 --> 00:22:45,266
What habit?
530
00:22:45,273 --> 00:22:47,636
You're thinking of the dodgy
dentist, prescription pills.
531
00:22:47,636 --> 00:22:50,916
Oh. Of course I am, yeah. Well, keep
not doing what you done before.
532
00:22:50,916 --> 00:22:52,756
Oh, I've done doing that.
533
00:22:55,036 --> 00:22:57,316
The visit went great, Fletch.
We've made it up.
534
00:22:57,316 --> 00:23:00,196
- Oh, that's wonderful, Barry.
- Yeah. I remember what you said.
535
00:23:00,196 --> 00:23:01,676
"The words don't matter," you said.
536
00:23:01,676 --> 00:23:04,236
"What matters is that
they're from the heart."
537
00:23:04,236 --> 00:23:06,276
Well, I'm glad I could have
been of service.
538
00:23:06,276 --> 00:23:08,236
Early days yet,
but, as soon as I get out,
539
00:23:08,236 --> 00:23:09,956
I'm going to pop the question,
540
00:23:09,956 --> 00:23:13,196
and if she says yes,
will you be my best man?
541
00:23:14,316 --> 00:23:15,476
How could I say no?
542
00:23:15,476 --> 00:23:16,756
Oh, cheers, mate.
543
00:23:18,196 --> 00:23:20,196
- Another satisfied customer.
- Yeah.
544
00:23:20,196 --> 00:23:23,196
Oh, by the way, Nifty Small said
he's going to sue the Daily Mirror.
545
00:23:23,196 --> 00:23:25,396
- He wants your help.
- Not interested.
546
00:23:25,396 --> 00:23:28,036
- Fletch, he's a big face on the block.
- Don't care.
547
00:23:28,036 --> 00:23:29,076
I'm shutting up shop.
548
00:23:29,076 --> 00:23:31,796
What? But you're the go-to guy,
549
00:23:31,796 --> 00:23:34,556
and, plus, we're making
some serious coin.
550
00:23:34,556 --> 00:23:36,396
It's not in my interest to
get involved in
551
00:23:36,396 --> 00:23:37,796
other people's business, Aziz.
552
00:23:37,796 --> 00:23:41,076
I realise that now.
I'm better off looking after my own.
553
00:23:41,076 --> 00:23:43,996
It's hard enough doing bird without
making it easy for everyone else.
554
00:23:43,996 --> 00:23:45,956
- But...
- No buts.
555
00:23:45,956 --> 00:23:47,276
Put the word about.
556
00:23:47,276 --> 00:23:49,636
The medical, the married,
the legal and the lovelorn -
557
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:51,116
I'm through with all of it.
558
00:23:53,036 --> 00:23:54,796
DOOR SLAMS
559
00:23:58,516 --> 00:23:59,916
Hope I'm not interrupting.
560
00:23:59,916 --> 00:24:01,596
You are, as it happens, Mr Braithwaite.
561
00:24:01,596 --> 00:24:03,036
Who's this letter on behalf of?
562
00:24:03,036 --> 00:24:06,956
On behalf of me, for me, from me,
so, if you don't mind,
563
00:24:06,956 --> 00:24:08,836
I'm not really in the mood to
dispense advice.
564
00:24:08,836 --> 00:24:09,876
I'm not looking for any.
565
00:24:09,876 --> 00:24:11,946
I wish I hadn't have listened
to you in the first place.
566
00:24:11,953 --> 00:24:12,636
Oh...
567
00:24:12,636 --> 00:24:14,716
Go on, then, tell me all about it.
568
00:24:14,716 --> 00:24:17,836
Well, I got home early
before the wife on Thursday,
569
00:24:17,836 --> 00:24:20,916
dimmed the lights, put on some
romantic music, filled a bath
570
00:24:20,916 --> 00:24:24,836
with aromatherapy crystals and put
those tealight candles around it.
571
00:24:24,836 --> 00:24:28,116
Creating an atmosphere of
seduction and sensuality. Exactly.
572
00:24:28,116 --> 00:24:30,676
Then I remembered I hadn't picked up
a bottle of white wine
573
00:24:30,676 --> 00:24:33,396
like you'd recommended,
so I went down to the off-licence,
574
00:24:33,396 --> 00:24:34,876
where I bumped into a neighbour.
575
00:24:34,876 --> 00:24:38,756
Now, he offered to sell me
a second-hand Flymo Chevron.
576
00:24:38,756 --> 00:24:40,316
Long story short, Mr B...
577
00:24:40,316 --> 00:24:42,836
He was letting it go cheap,
cos when he was doing his back lawn,
578
00:24:42,836 --> 00:24:45,436
- it had cut off two of his toes.
- Oh, dear.
579
00:24:45,436 --> 00:24:46,876
Well, this made me late going home.
580
00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:49,236
The wind had got up and I'd left
the bathroom window open.
581
00:24:49,236 --> 00:24:51,316
One of the candles set fire
to the shower curtain.
582
00:24:51,316 --> 00:24:53,036
I mean, the fire brigade
were very prompt
583
00:24:53,036 --> 00:24:56,116
but there was quite a blaze
by the time they showed up.
584
00:24:56,116 --> 00:24:58,436
See? This is just one more reason
why I've decided to
585
00:24:58,436 --> 00:24:59,996
never dispense advice ever again.
586
00:24:59,996 --> 00:25:02,396
Now, if you don't mind,
this letter's very important to me.
587
00:25:02,396 --> 00:25:03,996
I've got to remodel half the bungalow.
588
00:25:03,996 --> 00:25:05,836
Mrs Braithwaite's moved in
with her mother.
589
00:25:05,836 --> 00:25:08,196
Well, I should have charged you extra!
590
00:25:08,196 --> 00:25:10,796
Well, I was wondering if you'd
help me with the insurance forms.
591
00:25:10,796 --> 00:25:11,956
What's in it for me?
592
00:25:14,556 --> 00:25:17,356
Well, I don't suppose
I'll be needing these.
593
00:25:20,276 --> 00:25:21,836
I told you to push the boat out!
594
00:25:21,836 --> 00:25:23,596
Yeah, but I had to pay for the Flymo!
595
00:25:28,796 --> 00:25:30,316
FLETCH SIGHS
596
00:25:30,316 --> 00:25:32,676
I had one of them dreams
again last night.
597
00:25:35,036 --> 00:25:38,076
Not the one about the district nurse
who turned out to be Joan Collins?
598
00:25:38,076 --> 00:25:40,996
Well, this time she looked
more like Theresa May.
599
00:25:42,876 --> 00:25:45,036
Sounds like a nightmare.
600
00:25:45,036 --> 00:25:49,476
Mind, she went past on her bike
so fast, I couldn't be certain.
601
00:25:49,476 --> 00:25:51,756
What do you think it all means?
602
00:25:51,756 --> 00:25:53,396
I have no idea, Joe.
603
00:25:53,396 --> 00:25:56,076
I'm not a shrink or a clairvoyant
or an agony aunt,
604
00:25:56,076 --> 00:25:57,876
and since I gave up being
all of the above,
605
00:25:57,876 --> 00:25:59,916
I'm sleeping a whole lot better.
606
00:26:03,316 --> 00:26:05,116
Letter for you, Fletcher.
607
00:26:06,436 --> 00:26:07,756
Is that from who I think it is?
608
00:26:07,756 --> 00:26:09,876
I think it might be.
I recognise the handwriting...
609
00:26:09,876 --> 00:26:13,756
HE SNIFFS ..and the eau de parfum.
610
00:26:13,756 --> 00:26:16,156
And you're enjoying this moment,
which leads me to suspect
611
00:26:16,156 --> 00:26:18,156
I won't like the information
contained within.
612
00:26:18,156 --> 00:26:20,156
Oh, I haven't read it,
you have my word,
613
00:26:20,156 --> 00:26:22,316
but young Mayhew is wandering
about the place with
614
00:26:22,316 --> 00:26:25,076
a smile on his face, so I can't
believe it contains good news.
615
00:26:25,076 --> 00:26:28,396
Oh, hand it over, for God's sake.
The suspense is killing me.
616
00:26:31,556 --> 00:26:32,636
Let me guess.
617
00:26:32,636 --> 00:26:35,276
"Dear Nigel, I'll never forget you.
618
00:26:35,276 --> 00:26:39,236
"I'm so glad we met, but in the end
I realised I was taken in
619
00:26:39,236 --> 00:26:41,276
"by your glib, facile surface charm."
620
00:26:42,716 --> 00:26:45,356
You couldn't be more wrong, Mr Meekie.
621
00:26:45,356 --> 00:26:48,636
I believe this is what the French
call a billet-doux,
622
00:26:48,636 --> 00:26:52,356
containing warm, romantic sentiments
and unbridled sensuality.
623
00:26:52,356 --> 00:26:53,556
HE SNIFFS
624
00:26:55,916 --> 00:26:57,746
It didn't end well
for Cyrano, you know.
625
00:26:57,753 --> 00:26:58,356
Mm-hmm?
626
00:26:58,356 --> 00:27:02,036
His love Roxane ended up in a convent.
627
00:27:02,036 --> 00:27:04,956
Well, this doesn't read like
the letter of a future nun.
628
00:27:07,036 --> 00:27:10,316
15 years went by before
he went to see her.
629
00:27:10,316 --> 00:27:11,356
He wasn't well.
630
00:27:11,356 --> 00:27:15,676
He'd been hit on the head by a heavy
log, pushed from a high window.
631
00:27:15,676 --> 00:27:19,036
- Heavy log?
- Pushed out of a high window, yes.
632
00:27:19,036 --> 00:27:23,636
She finally realised it was him
that she loved.
633
00:27:25,316 --> 00:27:26,916
She kissed him...
634
00:27:28,316 --> 00:27:29,476
..and then he died.
635
00:27:31,236 --> 00:27:32,876
Oh, well, thanks for that, Mr Meekie.
636
00:27:32,876 --> 00:27:34,116
You've cheered us up no end.
637
00:27:34,116 --> 00:27:35,156
You're welcome!
638
00:27:37,116 --> 00:27:38,716
I don't get it.
639
00:27:38,716 --> 00:27:41,236
Who does she fancy? You or Barry?
640
00:27:41,236 --> 00:27:44,356
No, this is all about her
sticking with Barry.
641
00:27:44,356 --> 00:27:46,556
She just wanted to say,
"Thank you for playing Cupid."
642
00:27:46,556 --> 00:27:47,836
Oh, but you said to...
643
00:27:47,836 --> 00:27:50,076
Well, I wasn't going to give Meekie
the satisfaction of
644
00:27:50,076 --> 00:27:51,356
knowing I was the loser, was I?
645
00:27:51,356 --> 00:27:53,036
Oh, so it wasn't to be?
646
00:27:53,036 --> 00:27:55,716
Well, I must say,
you're taking it very well, Fletch.
647
00:27:57,476 --> 00:27:59,596
Well, us Fletchers have
a very resilient streak.
648
00:27:59,596 --> 00:28:00,956
My grandad used to have a saying.
649
00:28:00,956 --> 00:28:03,156
He said, "Never run after
a bus or a woman,
650
00:28:03,156 --> 00:28:05,556
"cos there'll be another
one along in a minute."
651
00:28:05,556 --> 00:28:06,916
That's the spirit.
652
00:28:06,916 --> 00:28:08,036
Yeah.
653
00:28:08,036 --> 00:28:09,916
Also, she wants me to meet her sister.
654
00:28:09,916 --> 00:28:11,956
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
655
00:28:12,106 --> 00:28:15,200
Synced by Bakugan
656
00:28:15,250 --> 00:28:19,800
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