Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
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"Roses are red, violets are blue,
2
00:00:01,930 --> 00:00:04,230
hitch up your tunic, I'm gonna bone you."
3
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:06,310
Funny, right?
4
00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:09,030
- Yeah, that is excellent.
- It's clever funny, in't it?
5
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,510
I'll give it to my date tonight.
6
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,630
A guy in the Forum sells
'em for five Denari.
7
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,510
Five Denari for a rapey poem?
8
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:16,950
It's not rapey, it's cheeky.
9
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,710
This is what Lupercalia's all about.
10
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,110
Well, no. Lupercalia is
about cynical shysters
11
00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:22,510
flogging tat to idiots --
12
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:24,470
or restaurants hiking up their prices
13
00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:26,270
with hateful love-themed menus.
14
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,030
- Like what you're doing?
- Correct.
15
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,550
And anyone stupid enough
to go out on Lupercalia
16
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,630
deserves everything they get.
17
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:35,310
Methinks the real reason
that you hate Lupercalia
18
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,710
is that you're a sad
wanker who can't get a date.
19
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,950
I can get a date, mate. I
just didn't, on purpose.
20
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,310
- Who's the lucky lady, then?
- Her name's Tabitha
21
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:43,830
and according to her profile,
22
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,910
she likes music, travel
and men with beards.
23
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:49,870
- Did you meet her through an agency?
- Big time. And she is gorge.
24
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,550
- Check out the picture.
- OK.
25
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,590
Well, yeah, the picture's
hot but she might be... not.
26
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,430
What? How would that work, you moron?
27
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,990
No-one actually looks like
their profile pics, mate.
28
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,390
She's probably some
dog-faced swamp monster.
29
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,510
No, she's hot. She'll
be hot. She has to be.
30
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,560
Please be hot.
31
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,170
- Do us that poem again.
- Yeah, sure.
32
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,360
- "Roses are red..."
- Ha-ha! I'm laughing already.
33
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,000
? Yeah! When in Rome
34
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,240
? Do as the Romans do
35
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? Far from home
36
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,360
? All I got is you
37
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,870
Lupercalia set menu.
38
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,950
Two-course, saucy supper,
60 Denari per couple.
39
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,910
Passionate pudding, eight Denari.
40
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,630
Ooh, that sounds good. What's that?
41
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,390
A normal pudding but twice the price.
42
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,710
I bloody love this festival.
43
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,550
We are gonna be heaving with hotties.
44
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,430
Yeah, and their boyfriends.
45
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,910
- This thing is for couples.
- Yeah, sure, at first.
46
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,830
What? What does that mean?
47
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:50,110
Mate, Lupercalia is like a
graveyard for relationships.
48
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,590
The pressure for romance
is way too intense.
49
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:55,190
- Especially at these prices.
- By the end of the night,
50
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,350
there's all these teary,
newly-single women
51
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:58,950
looking to do something stupid.
52
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,190
- Or someone stupid.
- Exactly.
53
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,110
It's literally never not worked.
54
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,950
- Trust me, you should try it.
- Yeah.
55
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,440
I think that might be
too cynical even for me.
56
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,670
- Oh, what you doing back there?
- Ah, nothing.
57
00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,950
Gloria's been on my case about
dealing with a damp patch,
58
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,190
- in our party wall, so...
- You're hiding from her.
59
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,230
This is how I deal with
most of my problems.
60
00:02:19,780 --> 00:02:20,860
Marcus?
61
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,950
Gloria. Hey!
62
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,030
- Didn't see you there.
- Pleased I caught you.
63
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,630
- What you up to later on?
- I er... don't know.
64
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:29,910
Why do you ask?
65
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,110
Wondered if you fancied
meeting for dinner?
66
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,790
Oh! Sure, yeah.
67
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,840
Sounds great.
68
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,430
Of course it's not a date.
69
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,270
She asked you to dinner on Lupercalia!
70
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:45,830
She said meeting for dinner.
71
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,190
It's probably just a meeting
72
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,430
because she wants me to
sort out her damp patch.
73
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,870
- Yeah, damn right, she does.
- No, obviously not that one.
74
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,110
The boring one in the wall which
she'll try and make me pay for.
75
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,110
There's always been this sexy, tense vibe
76
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,550
between you and Gloria.
Grumio, isn't that right?
77
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,630
He gets tense round all
women, to be honest.
78
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,070
He is right. That hardly singles her out.
79
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:06,590
- Ask her if it's a date.
- What?
80
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,270
I'm not just gonna ask her.
81
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,070
I'll look like a clueless twat
82
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,430
and damage my negotiating position
if the answer turns out to be no.
83
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,710
You'll have to look for clues.
Like, how much flesh is on show?
84
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,790
Is she getting lashed? If she
invites you back to hers.
85
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,150
You just need to, like,
vibe it out, man, all right?
86
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,110
Mm. OK. You'll have to
cover for me here, then.
87
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,390
Fine by me.
88
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,270
More sad stunners for the rebound king.
89
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,910
Hang on, not fine by me. Why
should he get the night off?
90
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,350
Cos he's got a hot date.
91
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,350
It might just be a hot meeting.
92
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,350
Grumio, get asked out by anyone
or anything, and you can have
93
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,710
- the night off.
- Sweet, I'll ask myself out.
94
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:40,950
No, that doesn't count.
95
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,350
Grumio, would you like to
come for dinner tonight?
96
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,070
Why, yes, Grumio, I'd love
to. I thought you'd never ask.
97
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,590
Great idea, Grumio.
98
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,910
Maybe you'll invite
yourself back for a nightcap
99
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,830
- and try and get lucky.
- I will, actually.
100
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,430
And I know for a fact I'll succeed.
101
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,350
Roses! Lupercalia roses!
102
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,870
Rose for the lady, si... Oh! It's you.
103
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,990
Happy Lupercalia, beaky.
104
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,390
Yes, hello, landlady.
105
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,350
Cashing in on the festivities, I see.
106
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,550
Always. You out tonight, are you?
107
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:14,070
Oh, I'd figured you would
spend Lupercalia at home,
108
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,830
wanking and crying.
109
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,470
Well, the night is young but I'm
actually meeting someone first.
110
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,710
Oh, well, then, you've
gotta take her a rose.
111
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,750
- It's the done thing.
- No, I know.
112
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,470
But I'm not sure if it's a date or not?
113
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,990
She owns the laundry next door and
we've got some damp to sort out.
114
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,390
And she invited me for
dinner and didn't mention it.
115
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,070
So I don't really know
where I stand, rose-wise.
116
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,910
What do you reckon, as a sort of woman?
117
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:41,150
I see. I think it is a date and
you should take her a rose.
118
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,350
Yeah, but you would say
that, wouldn't you,
119
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,630
cos you're selling
roses? So, tell you what,
120
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,950
I'll pay for one anyway,
so you can be honest.
121
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,030
Right, now I'm thinking
that it isn't a date
122
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,870
and you shouldn't take her a rose.
123
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,910
Hm, you see, again I
think you would say that
124
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,230
because you get to keep
the rose and the money.
125
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,910
So, tell you what, I'll take
it anyway, just to be safe.
126
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,710
Well, whatever it is,
you're sure to fuck it up.
127
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,760
Mind those thorns now!
128
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:06,760
Roses!
129
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,360
Yes.
130
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,270
- Hello?
- Good evening.
131
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,670
Table for one, please.
132
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,390
A-ha. You're having your date here?
133
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,230
Well, I liked the look of the menu
134
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,990
and that I can stick it on my tab.
135
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,590
But you know it's a couples' menu.
136
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,310
- You get two of everything.
- Perfect!
137
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:32,830
I'll be eating for two, then.
138
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,110
Give me two starters
and two sharing plates.
139
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,070
Two?! You'll be eating for four.
140
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,590
It's date night, innit. I
wanna spoil myself rotten.
141
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,750
Hello?
142
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,750
Yes, hi, do come in.
143
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:48,110
Oh, hi! Sorry, yes, table for two, please.
144
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,990
No, Theo, this won't do.
It's a bit dead, isn't it?
145
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,230
Sorry. Yes, of course.
146
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:55,750
- Erm... Shall we toddle on?
- What? No, it's not dead.
147
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,830
We're just getting going. No,
no, don't toddle on, toddle in.
148
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,030
You can have any table,
even the one he's sat on.
149
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:02,510
What? Piss off!
150
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,310
I'll look after you, I promise.
151
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,390
Any twists or turns this evening may take,
152
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,670
I'll be right here for you,
waiting, as your waiter.
153
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,800
- Oh! Go on, then.
- Thank you.
154
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,030
- Here you are.
- And I'm in.
155
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,590
I was hoping for more options
but I can work with this.
156
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,710
Keep up my Lupercalia strike rate.
157
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,950
Yeah, I'm not interested in
my waiter's personal life, OK?
158
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,510
I came here for some
quality time with myself.
159
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,960
Now fetch my starters,
please, lad. Quick smart.
160
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,430
Evening! Happy Lupercalia!
161
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,270
Yes, you too!
162
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,720
Gloria, hi!
163
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,390
Ooh! We're doing that, are we?
164
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,190
- I was gonna go in for a kiss.
- Were you?
165
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,350
- Oh, fine, let's do that too.
- OK.
166
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,110
Ooh!
167
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,710
Sorry I'm late. Took me ages
to find something to wear.
168
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,670
Well, you made the right choice.
169
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,830
- You look lovely.
- Oh, thank you.
170
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,030
I didn't really choose it, to be fair.
171
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,630
Most of my clothes have gone
mouldy because of that damp.
172
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,470
This is the only thing that survived.
173
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,910
Right, yes, of course, the damp.
174
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,670
Which we really do need to talk about.
175
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,150
Absolutely, it's my top priority.
176
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,510
Yeah, let's get a drink
first. That's my priority.
177
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,910
I'm absolutely gagging for some wine.
178
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,750
- You're drinking, right?
- Um... I am if you are.
179
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,110
Good man. Might as well
get a bottle, then.
180
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,360
Ooh, and maybe some oysters.
181
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,430
Come on, you fuckers, argue!
182
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:45,380
Waiter!
183
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,950
All right, Grumio? Date going well?
184
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,550
Well, the company's top-drawer
185
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,590
but the service is a bit of a let down.
186
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,710
I'm still waiting on
my second sharing plate.
187
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,790
- OK.
- Excuse me.
188
00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,990
Oh, hello. How can I help?
189
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,350
Which way's the toilet?
There's no signs in here.
190
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,190
Yeah, there's no need. You
just follow the yellowy stain.
191
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,190
- Look!
- Waiter!
192
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,000
- I am waiting.
- Just a sec!
193
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,830
So, you two been together long or...
194
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,830
Oh, yes. 12 years.
195
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,990
12 years, whoa!
196
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,590
Well, that is long. Too long in a way.
197
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,390
- Sorry, how do you mean?
- The spark's probably gone.
198
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,630
- I wouldn't say that.
- Yeah, I know.
199
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,270
You're stuck in a rut of crap
sex, arguing about money,
200
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,070
wondering where it's all going.
201
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,790
Hey, cloth ears! Fetch me my grub now!
202
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,480
Get it yourself, you lazy prick!
203
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,270
It's fine. He's not a proper customer.
204
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:40,510
Sorry, yes, of course.
205
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:43,190
You were saying your
relationship's dead in the water?
206
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,590
I was thinking of doing
something quite bold.
207
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,590
Exactly. Get out whilst you can.
208
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,710
And asking her to marry me.
209
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,030
You sure you wanna do that?
210
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,190
A hundred per cent.
211
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,790
In fact, sorry, you couldn't
do me a favour, chum,
212
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,790
and conceal this in the dessert?
213
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,990
I'd really love it to
be a surprise, you see.
214
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,550
Yeah, no, I'll be happy to.
215
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,390
Ah, what a lovely gesture.
216
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,280
And you can forget about
a tip, you lazy dickhead.
217
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,190
Now, blood is a fucker. If
you don't get it early enough,
218
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,710
that ain't never coming out.
219
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,790
If someone comes in with a bloody tunic,
220
00:09:14,790 --> 00:09:16,970
I usually suggest they try
and bleed over the whole thing
221
00:09:17,020 --> 00:09:18,190
just to even it out.
222
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,030
Now, semen stains, much easier, of course.
223
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,670
You can just scrape it off
once it's dry, I imagine.
224
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,870
Was that your adolescence,
staining and scraping?
225
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,230
Interspersed with the
odd Greek lesson, yeah.
226
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,870
I bet the girls were
beating your door down.
227
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,190
Er... My mum was beating my door down.
228
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,520
- The girls were elsewhere.
- Well, more fool them.
229
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,710
- The menu for you, madam.
- Thank you.
230
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,550
- For you, sir.
- Thanks.
231
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,440
- I'll leave that with you.
- Cheers.
232
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,430
It's a Lupercalia menu.
233
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,830
Oh, shit, I completely
forgot that was today.
234
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,590
No wonder this place
is full of couples. Ha!
235
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,070
Oooh.
236
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,790
- You all right?
- Yeah.
237
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,840
What you doing down there?
238
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,590
- Aargh! Fuck!
- Ooh!
239
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:02,960
- What's happening?
- Oh!
240
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,190
I think something just
stabbed me in my... organ.
241
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,590
Stabbed? What stabbed you?
242
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,830
I think it must be a
splinter from the chair.
243
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,470
Cor, it really stings.
244
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,470
Ah, shit, I hope it's still functional.
245
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:19,310
Look, these shitbags have hiked up
the prices for Lupercalia anyway.
246
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,390
Why don't we just go back to my place?
247
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,510
I'll rustle us something up.
You can sort out your organ.
248
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:27,310
- Back to your place?
- Mm, yeah.
249
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,360
OK, great.
250
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,630
One passionate pudding, two spoons.
251
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,600
Thank you. Thanks so much.
252
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,070
Hm. No! I don't like it.
253
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,630
Oh, sorry.
254
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,470
Well, do push on if you can, babe, cos...
255
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,030
I don't like it, Theo, I just said.
256
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,190
- It's rank.
- Sure, no, absolutely. Sorry.
257
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,510
I... I tell you what. Why don't I dig in,
258
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,560
see what's in there.
259
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,360
Mm.
260
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:05,070
Sorry! Sorry! Is this definitely the
right passionate pudding, waiter?
261
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,590
- Yeah, should be.
- Try and swap it for cheese.
262
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,110
- Er...
- Theo!
263
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,070
Sorry. One sec, babe. I just...
264
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:14,150
I thought it had a
special ingredient in it.
265
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,950
A very expensive ingredient.
266
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,790
Yeah, I know. I put it
in myself and then I...
267
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,990
Oh, I love you too, Grumio.
268
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,630
Ah-ooh, ah-ooh!
269
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,670
Don't tease me now. Ohhh!
270
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,080
Mmmm!
271
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,390
You greedy bastard, Grumio!
272
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,510
You were the one who told
me to get me own food.
273
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,750
That must've been some budget
bling cos it slid straight down.
274
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,150
Didn't even touch the sides.
275
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,190
That ring belonged to my late grandmother!
276
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,750
Theo! What are you doing?
277
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,070
- I'm sitting here like a lemon!
- One sec, babe.
278
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,590
Just talking through... cheese options.
279
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,510
Oh, shitters!
280
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,070
Right. I need to get
that ring back, buster!
281
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,710
All right, chill!
282
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,270
Lucky for you your ring's inside
283
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,510
one of the fastest
digestive systems in Rome.
284
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,830
It's true. His gut is
an absolute shit storm.
285
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,430
OK, so what's the plan?
286
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:05,120
Grab them prunes and that
colander and meet me in the bogs.
287
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,430
Hey, I'll keep her
occupied. Don't you worry.
288
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,790
This can still be a great
Lupercalia, for everyone.
289
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:16,360
Thank you. Sorry, that's
jolly decent of you.
290
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,030
Toilet's down the hall.
291
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,870
Do you want me to give you a hand?
292
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,560
Er... I can handle it.
293
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,310
Aargh! Aargh!
294
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,710
- You little prick.
- What?
295
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,030
Oh, hello. Who are you?
296
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:41,870
I'm Barney. Gloria's son.
297
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,230
- Who are you?
- Son?
298
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,870
OK, erm...
299
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,760
Well, I'm Marcus. Gloria's...
300
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,550
Actually I'm not entirely sure who I am
301
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:52,790
in relation to your mum.
302
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,550
She hasn't said anything, has
she, about what she's doing?
303
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,070
She said she was out for dinner.
304
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,430
Uh-huh, OK.
305
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,150
I knew that. And does she do that a lot?
306
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,230
- Have dinners with men?
- Are you calling my mum a slag?
307
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,190
No, I'm not calling her anything.
308
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,830
I'm just asking if she's...
309
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,030
What?
310
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,030
She's giving off a lot of mixed signals.
311
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,310
I thought if you knew
whether it was a date or...
312
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,790
- It isn't.
- Mm-hm, OK.
313
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,470
- Why do you say that?
- You're not her type.
314
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,630
She likes big tough
guys, not weedy pussies.
315
00:13:22,180 --> 00:13:24,550
I am not a weedy pussy,
thank you very much.
316
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,470
- I'll tell her you don't know
if it's a date. - Please don't.
317
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,790
- And you were playing
with your dick. - I wasn't.
318
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,270
I was extricating my
dick from a rose thorn.
319
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,270
- Ha! That's even better.
- What? No.
320
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,910
- You will not tell your mum.
- Oh, yeah? Or what?
321
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,230
What you gonna do about it?
322
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,110
Whine at me? No, I'll... With
your weedy, whiney voice?
323
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,830
I'll rip your tongue out
and shove it up your arse!
324
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,910
- What?
- That's right.
325
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:49,080
I'll make you lick your own
bum, you dirty little... boy.
326
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,160
Not so tough now, are ya?
327
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,550
It just won't do.
328
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,310
I mean, what is he even doing in there?
329
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,990
Dunno. I think he's got some
business with the little guy
330
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,190
from the other table. It's lucky
I'm here, though, to fill in.
331
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,430
Oh, this is so typical of Theo.
332
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,790
Oh! Completely.
333
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:09,950
Men!
334
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,510
Expecting me to just wait around
335
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,670
while he parks the
chariot or goes to work.
336
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,230
All my friends are married
by now. But no, not me.
337
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,110
Yet another Lupercalia where
I go home without a ring.
338
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,310
- I mean, it's not on, is it?
- It's criminal is what it is.
339
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:24,510
A gorgeous girl like you.
340
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,630
If he's not serious about you,
you should just cut him loose.
341
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,190
I mean, I always knew it
was gonna be rocky for us.
342
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,430
I'm an Aries, Theo's a Capricorn.
343
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:36,350
I didn't expect him to just take
some small man to the toilets.
344
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,230
- What, sorry? You're an Aries?
- I'm a classic Aries.
345
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,350
- Why?
- Because I'm an Aries.
346
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,390
Just today I was thinking, I
never meet any other Arieses.
347
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,920
Wow! Finally.
348
00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:49,820
Prune.
349
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,230
I mean, do I actually have
to be here holding this?
350
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,550
You do, yeah. I like having a target.
351
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,950
Sorry. Right, of course.
352
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,670
I'll be honest, this isn't
really the kind of Lupercalia
353
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,310
- I had in mind.
- You're telling me!
354
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,870
I'm meant to be on a date night.
355
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,750
I should've proposed to her
years ago but I dithered.
356
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,670
I wanted to wait until I could
afford an apartment but...
357
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,670
Oh, Jove. Holy Jove!
358
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,070
- I've buggered it all up!
- Oh, shut it, will ya!
359
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,070
You're making me tense.
I need to be loose.
360
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,190
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
361
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,640
I just don't think I can live without her.
362
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,990
Better get this ring
out me guts, hadn't we?
363
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,510
Yes, please, thank you.
364
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,310
Sorry. You really are being an
absolute star about all this.
365
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,950
I am, yeah.
366
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,390
Maybe give me back a rub and
see if it helps along a bit.
367
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,440
Yes, of course. Sorry.
368
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,520
Hm. And pop in another prune.
369
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,070
He's a sweet boy. Well, he can be.
370
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,230
Given all the aggro
over the last few years
371
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,750
between me and his dickhead father.
372
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,750
Well, I'd love to meet him one day.
373
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,270
Er... Barney, not his dickhead father.
374
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,350
I think you'd get on well, you and Barney.
375
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,110
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure we would.
376
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,590
- I love kids.
- Well, yeah.
377
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,270
I guess you were one quite recently.
378
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,870
Look, sorry to be blunt,
379
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,470
but do you mind if we
take this into the bedroom?
380
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,310
The... er... Yeah!
381
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:15,870
Yeah, well, why not?
382
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,320
- Ssh! Barney's sleeping.
- OK.
383
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,630
Here, look! It's the damp patch.
384
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,070
Ah!
385
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,360
Yes. Of course.
386
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,600
- Can you feel it?
- I... er...
387
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:34,390
- Yes.
- Isn't it soft and warm?
388
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,390
Hm. Yep.
389
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,470
It's opened up gaps in the masonry.
390
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,910
You can actually fit a finger inside it.
391
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,750
It's just so wet, isn't it?
392
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,800
Yes, it's really wet.
393
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,510
Barney? Barney's gone! Barney!
394
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,670
- Marcus, come here quickly!
- Yeah. Yeah, just one minute!
395
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,720
Barney? Barney!
396
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,790
This is crazy! What are we doing?
397
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,390
We're just following our stars.
398
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,670
It's written that me and you
meet and have sex in the cellar.
399
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,790
I can't. Not without
breaking up with Theo first.
400
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,310
I'm too moral. I really
can't cheat on him.
401
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,390
Yeah, you can. It's easy.
402
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,150
You can't dump the guy on Lupercalia.
403
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,710
- That's well harsh.
- Yeah, you're right.
404
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,950
We'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
405
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,950
Ah, no, OK, you were right before.
406
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,350
You should dump him now.
407
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,920
- Barney! Barney!
- Barney!
408
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,270
Barnabus!
409
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:36,030
Ah, I mean, why would he
just run off like that?
410
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,430
He's having a tough
time at school recently.
411
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,470
I can't afford to get
him the latest sandals
412
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,870
or the right abacus,
413
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,470
so he's been targeted by bullies.
414
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,950
Honestly, the things they
say -- just atrocious.
415
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,430
Really violent, graphic threats.
416
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,160
Oh, dear, that's... I hate that!
417
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,310
If it's true, of course.
418
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,550
He might be making it
up. That does happen.
419
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,830
It's made him wet the bed
again. He's not making that up.
420
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,470
I've had more than one damp
patch to deal with recently.
421
00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:05,110
Yeah, look, about that --
422
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,550
the wall, I'll pay for it.
423
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,390
You've clearly got enough
on your plate as it is so...
424
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,590
Oh, thank you, Marcus.
425
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:14,200
That is so sweet of you.
426
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,310
Roses! Fancy a rose, do you?
427
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,510
Oh! It's you again, beaky.
428
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,110
You want another rose
429
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,790
or is it time you started
wanking and crying?
430
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,430
Well, I've no idea what that's about.
431
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,150
- Weird woman.
- Come on.
432
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,200
I think I know where he is.
433
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,110
Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is the gents.
434
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,310
- You shouldn't be in here.
- Oh, by Jove! Theo!
435
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,030
Babe, wait. Sorry, I can explain.
436
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,830
It's too late. It's over.
437
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,710
I've put up with this shit for 12 years
438
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,230
and then you just abandon me on
Lupercalia, in some skanky bar?
439
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,950
- All right, it's not that bad.
- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
440
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,710
To play some sicko sex
game with this tiny diner?
441
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:55,950
You what? Sex game?
442
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,910
What kind of sex game would this be?
443
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,590
I don't know. I don't want to know.
444
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,310
Babe, no, it's nothing like that.
445
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,550
He swallowed a ring I put in the
pudding to propose to you with.
446
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,910
- We're trying to coax it out.
- Oh, come on!
447
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,470
That's a bit far-fetched, innit?
448
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,590
What? You know that's what's happening.
449
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,350
He's desperate. He'll say
anything to string you along.
450
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,110
I know. Capricorn scum.
451
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,590
Oh, for Jove's sake!
452
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:21,150
Ohh!
453
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,200
Pick that one out.
454
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,230
It's in here. Look! The
ring, it's in here.
455
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,270
- What? No, is it?
- I think my ring's in there an' all.
456
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,350
Will you two please sort this
out? You're perfect for each other.
457
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,430
You're all like, "This won't do, Theo."
458
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,470
And you're like, "I'm
sorry, I'm so sorry."
459
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,110
Yeah, I suppose we are a bit.
460
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,880
Flora Antonia Modius...
461
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,270
Not exactly how I planned
to do this but...
462
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,630
- Will you marry me?
- Yes!
463
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,310
- I will!
- What? Oh!
464
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:55,510
- I'd give it a rinse first.
- Yes. Good idea.
465
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,350
Sorry.
466
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,190
Sorry if the evening hasn't
gone as expected, Marcus.
467
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,910
No, really, I wasn't quite sure
what to expect, to be honest.
468
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,230
So, is this a friend's house or...
469
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:10,150
No, it's his dad's. Been
avoiding him recently.
470
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,830
We keep arguing about how to
deal with Barney's bullies.
471
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,230
Right, well, diplomacy is
always the best policy, I think.
472
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,350
Me too!
473
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:20,190
Unfortunately, he would prefer
to beat the shite out of 'em.
474
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,830
Down, Pluto! In your bed now!
475
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,960
- Down, boy!
- Yeah, maybe I should go.
476
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,710
I wondered when you'd show up.
477
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:29,990
Hello, Cyrus.
478
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,270
- Is Barney here?
- Might be.
479
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,110
- Who's this pecker?
- Barney! Come here, please!
480
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,550
This your new boyfriend, is it?
481
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,510
Been on a little date together, have you?
482
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,390
It's actually none of your business.
483
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,950
Well, no, really, it's
fine. You can tell him.
484
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,110
- Maybe you should tell him.
- That's him, Dad.
485
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,750
He said he'd rip out my
tongue and lick my arse.
486
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,750
- What? What the fuck?
- Is that what you said?
487
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,790
No, no. I said he'd lick his own arse
488
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,310
after I shoved his tongue up...
489
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,110
I wasn't threatening to lick his...
490
00:20:56,660 --> 00:20:58,150
Thanks for a lovely evening.
491
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,600
Oh, no, you don't!
492
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:02,200
Aargh!
493
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,230
Right, so hang on. Was it a date or not?
494
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,470
I don't know. Never found out.
495
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:11,990
Either way, Lupercalia succeeded
in taking a shitload of cash off me.
496
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:13,590
How was your night, then, Grumio?
497
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,550
There were a rocky patch earlier
but I can win myself round.
498
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,310
Oh, lovely. At least one of us
might get some action tonight.
499
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,110
Hey! I'm not giving up that easy.
500
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,660
Lupercalia ain't over yet!
501
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,150
Ah, here he is! How was Tabitha, then?
502
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,510
- Not quite what I hoped.
- See, I told you.
503
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,390
The picture wasn't accurate, right?
504
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,070
Oh, no, it was... about 40 years ago.
505
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:36,230
You'll see her in a sec. She's
just struggling with the stairs.
506
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,270
We had a bit of a row, actually.
507
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:39,550
Oh, dear, what happened?
508
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:42,230
It was over that bloody
poem. She found it offensive.
509
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,710
I find that offensive.
That poem were quality.
510
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,230
I wouldn't worry about Tabitha.
I think her night's looking up.
511
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,670
Hey, Tabitha! How you doin', baby?
512
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,720
Happy Lupercalia!
513
00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:57,320
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