All language subtitles for Plebs s04e05 Lupercalia.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,830 "Roses are red, violets are blue, 2 00:00:01,930 --> 00:00:04,230 hitch up your tunic, I'm gonna bone you." 3 00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:06,310 Funny, right? 4 00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:09,030 - Yeah, that is excellent. - It's clever funny, in't it? 5 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,510 I'll give it to my date tonight. 6 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,630 A guy in the Forum sells 'em for five Denari. 7 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,510 Five Denari for a rapey poem? 8 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:16,950 It's not rapey, it's cheeky. 9 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,710 This is what Lupercalia's all about. 10 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,110 Well, no. Lupercalia is about cynical shysters 11 00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:22,510 flogging tat to idiots -- 12 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:24,470 or restaurants hiking up their prices 13 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:26,270 with hateful love-themed menus. 14 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,030 - Like what you're doing? - Correct. 15 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,550 And anyone stupid enough to go out on Lupercalia 16 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,630 deserves everything they get. 17 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:35,310 Methinks the real reason that you hate Lupercalia 18 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,710 is that you're a sad wanker who can't get a date. 19 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,950 I can get a date, mate. I just didn't, on purpose. 20 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,310 - Who's the lucky lady, then? - Her name's Tabitha 21 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:43,830 and according to her profile, 22 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,910 she likes music, travel and men with beards. 23 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:49,870 - Did you meet her through an agency? - Big time. And she is gorge. 24 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,550 - Check out the picture. - OK. 25 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,590 Well, yeah, the picture's hot but she might be... not. 26 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,430 What? How would that work, you moron? 27 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,990 No-one actually looks like their profile pics, mate. 28 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,390 She's probably some dog-faced swamp monster. 29 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,510 No, she's hot. She'll be hot. She has to be. 30 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,560 Please be hot. 31 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,170 - Do us that poem again. - Yeah, sure. 32 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,360 - "Roses are red..." - Ha-ha! I'm laughing already. 33 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,000 ? Yeah! When in Rome 34 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,240 ? Do as the Romans do 35 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,350 ? Far from home 36 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,360 ? All I got is you 37 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,870 Lupercalia set menu. 38 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,950 Two-course, saucy supper, 60 Denari per couple. 39 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,910 Passionate pudding, eight Denari. 40 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,630 Ooh, that sounds good. What's that? 41 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,390 A normal pudding but twice the price. 42 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,710 I bloody love this festival. 43 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,550 We are gonna be heaving with hotties. 44 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,430 Yeah, and their boyfriends. 45 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,910 - This thing is for couples. - Yeah, sure, at first. 46 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,830 What? What does that mean? 47 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:50,110 Mate, Lupercalia is like a graveyard for relationships. 48 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,590 The pressure for romance is way too intense. 49 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:55,190 - Especially at these prices. - By the end of the night, 50 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,350 there's all these teary, newly-single women 51 00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:58,950 looking to do something stupid. 52 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,190 - Or someone stupid. - Exactly. 53 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,110 It's literally never not worked. 54 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,950 - Trust me, you should try it. - Yeah. 55 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,440 I think that might be too cynical even for me. 56 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,670 - Oh, what you doing back there? - Ah, nothing. 57 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,950 Gloria's been on my case about dealing with a damp patch, 58 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,190 - in our party wall, so... - You're hiding from her. 59 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,230 This is how I deal with most of my problems. 60 00:02:19,780 --> 00:02:20,860 Marcus? 61 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,950 Gloria. Hey! 62 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,030 - Didn't see you there. - Pleased I caught you. 63 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,630 - What you up to later on? - I er... don't know. 64 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:29,910 Why do you ask? 65 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,110 Wondered if you fancied meeting for dinner? 66 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,790 Oh! Sure, yeah. 67 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,840 Sounds great. 68 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,430 Of course it's not a date. 69 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,270 She asked you to dinner on Lupercalia! 70 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:45,830 She said meeting for dinner. 71 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,190 It's probably just a meeting 72 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,430 because she wants me to sort out her damp patch. 73 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,870 - Yeah, damn right, she does. - No, obviously not that one. 74 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,110 The boring one in the wall which she'll try and make me pay for. 75 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,110 There's always been this sexy, tense vibe 76 00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:00,550 between you and Gloria. Grumio, isn't that right? 77 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,630 He gets tense round all women, to be honest. 78 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,070 He is right. That hardly singles her out. 79 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:06,590 - Ask her if it's a date. - What? 80 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,270 I'm not just gonna ask her. 81 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,070 I'll look like a clueless twat 82 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,430 and damage my negotiating position if the answer turns out to be no. 83 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,710 You'll have to look for clues. Like, how much flesh is on show? 84 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,790 Is she getting lashed? If she invites you back to hers. 85 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,150 You just need to, like, vibe it out, man, all right? 86 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,110 Mm. OK. You'll have to cover for me here, then. 87 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,390 Fine by me. 88 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,270 More sad stunners for the rebound king. 89 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,910 Hang on, not fine by me. Why should he get the night off? 90 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,350 Cos he's got a hot date. 91 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,350 It might just be a hot meeting. 92 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,350 Grumio, get asked out by anyone or anything, and you can have 93 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,710 - the night off. - Sweet, I'll ask myself out. 94 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:40,950 No, that doesn't count. 95 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,350 Grumio, would you like to come for dinner tonight? 96 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,070 Why, yes, Grumio, I'd love to. I thought you'd never ask. 97 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,590 Great idea, Grumio. 98 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,910 Maybe you'll invite yourself back for a nightcap 99 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,830 - and try and get lucky. - I will, actually. 100 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,430 And I know for a fact I'll succeed. 101 00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,350 Roses! Lupercalia roses! 102 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,870 Rose for the lady, si... Oh! It's you. 103 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:04,990 Happy Lupercalia, beaky. 104 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,390 Yes, hello, landlady. 105 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,350 Cashing in on the festivities, I see. 106 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,550 Always. You out tonight, are you? 107 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:14,070 Oh, I'd figured you would spend Lupercalia at home, 108 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,830 wanking and crying. 109 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,470 Well, the night is young but I'm actually meeting someone first. 110 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,710 Oh, well, then, you've gotta take her a rose. 111 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,750 - It's the done thing. - No, I know. 112 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,470 But I'm not sure if it's a date or not? 113 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,990 She owns the laundry next door and we've got some damp to sort out. 114 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,390 And she invited me for dinner and didn't mention it. 115 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,070 So I don't really know where I stand, rose-wise. 116 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,910 What do you reckon, as a sort of woman? 117 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:41,150 I see. I think it is a date and you should take her a rose. 118 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,350 Yeah, but you would say that, wouldn't you, 119 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,630 cos you're selling roses? So, tell you what, 120 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,950 I'll pay for one anyway, so you can be honest. 121 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,030 Right, now I'm thinking that it isn't a date 122 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,870 and you shouldn't take her a rose. 123 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,910 Hm, you see, again I think you would say that 124 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,230 because you get to keep the rose and the money. 125 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,910 So, tell you what, I'll take it anyway, just to be safe. 126 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,710 Well, whatever it is, you're sure to fuck it up. 127 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,760 Mind those thorns now! 128 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:06,760 Roses! 129 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,360 Yes. 130 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,270 - Hello? - Good evening. 131 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,670 Table for one, please. 132 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,390 A-ha. You're having your date here? 133 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,230 Well, I liked the look of the menu 134 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,990 and that I can stick it on my tab. 135 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,590 But you know it's a couples' menu. 136 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,310 - You get two of everything. - Perfect! 137 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:32,830 I'll be eating for two, then. 138 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,110 Give me two starters and two sharing plates. 139 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,070 Two?! You'll be eating for four. 140 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,590 It's date night, innit. I wanna spoil myself rotten. 141 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,750 Hello? 142 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,750 Yes, hi, do come in. 143 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:48,110 Oh, hi! Sorry, yes, table for two, please. 144 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,990 No, Theo, this won't do. It's a bit dead, isn't it? 145 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,230 Sorry. Yes, of course. 146 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:55,750 - Erm... Shall we toddle on? - What? No, it's not dead. 147 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,830 We're just getting going. No, no, don't toddle on, toddle in. 148 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,030 You can have any table, even the one he's sat on. 149 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:02,510 What? Piss off! 150 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,310 I'll look after you, I promise. 151 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,390 Any twists or turns this evening may take, 152 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,670 I'll be right here for you, waiting, as your waiter. 153 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,800 - Oh! Go on, then. - Thank you. 154 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,030 - Here you are. - And I'm in. 155 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,590 I was hoping for more options but I can work with this. 156 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,710 Keep up my Lupercalia strike rate. 157 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,950 Yeah, I'm not interested in my waiter's personal life, OK? 158 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,510 I came here for some quality time with myself. 159 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,960 Now fetch my starters, please, lad. Quick smart. 160 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,430 Evening! Happy Lupercalia! 161 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,270 Yes, you too! 162 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,720 Gloria, hi! 163 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,390 Ooh! We're doing that, are we? 164 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,190 - I was gonna go in for a kiss. - Were you? 165 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,350 - Oh, fine, let's do that too. - OK. 166 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,110 Ooh! 167 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,710 Sorry I'm late. Took me ages to find something to wear. 168 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,670 Well, you made the right choice. 169 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,830 - You look lovely. - Oh, thank you. 170 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,030 I didn't really choose it, to be fair. 171 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,630 Most of my clothes have gone mouldy because of that damp. 172 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,470 This is the only thing that survived. 173 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,910 Right, yes, of course, the damp. 174 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,670 Which we really do need to talk about. 175 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,150 Absolutely, it's my top priority. 176 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,510 Yeah, let's get a drink first. That's my priority. 177 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,910 I'm absolutely gagging for some wine. 178 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,750 - You're drinking, right? - Um... I am if you are. 179 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,110 Good man. Might as well get a bottle, then. 180 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,360 Ooh, and maybe some oysters. 181 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,430 Come on, you fuckers, argue! 182 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:45,380 Waiter! 183 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,950 All right, Grumio? Date going well? 184 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,550 Well, the company's top-drawer 185 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,590 but the service is a bit of a let down. 186 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,710 I'm still waiting on my second sharing plate. 187 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,790 - OK. - Excuse me. 188 00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,990 Oh, hello. How can I help? 189 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,350 Which way's the toilet? There's no signs in here. 190 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,190 Yeah, there's no need. You just follow the yellowy stain. 191 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,190 - Look! - Waiter! 192 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,000 - I am waiting. - Just a sec! 193 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,830 So, you two been together long or... 194 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,830 Oh, yes. 12 years. 195 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,990 12 years, whoa! 196 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,590 Well, that is long. Too long in a way. 197 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,390 - Sorry, how do you mean? - The spark's probably gone. 198 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,630 - I wouldn't say that. - Yeah, I know. 199 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,270 You're stuck in a rut of crap sex, arguing about money, 200 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,070 wondering where it's all going. 201 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,790 Hey, cloth ears! Fetch me my grub now! 202 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,480 Get it yourself, you lazy prick! 203 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,270 It's fine. He's not a proper customer. 204 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:40,510 Sorry, yes, of course. 205 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:43,190 You were saying your relationship's dead in the water? 206 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,590 I was thinking of doing something quite bold. 207 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,590 Exactly. Get out whilst you can. 208 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:49,710 And asking her to marry me. 209 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,030 You sure you wanna do that? 210 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,190 A hundred per cent. 211 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,790 In fact, sorry, you couldn't do me a favour, chum, 212 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,790 and conceal this in the dessert? 213 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,990 I'd really love it to be a surprise, you see. 214 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,550 Yeah, no, I'll be happy to. 215 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,390 Ah, what a lovely gesture. 216 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,280 And you can forget about a tip, you lazy dickhead. 217 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,190 Now, blood is a fucker. If you don't get it early enough, 218 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,710 that ain't never coming out. 219 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,790 If someone comes in with a bloody tunic, 220 00:09:14,790 --> 00:09:16,970 I usually suggest they try and bleed over the whole thing 221 00:09:17,020 --> 00:09:18,190 just to even it out. 222 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,030 Now, semen stains, much easier, of course. 223 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,670 You can just scrape it off once it's dry, I imagine. 224 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,870 Was that your adolescence, staining and scraping? 225 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,230 Interspersed with the odd Greek lesson, yeah. 226 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,870 I bet the girls were beating your door down. 227 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,190 Er... My mum was beating my door down. 228 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,520 - The girls were elsewhere. - Well, more fool them. 229 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,710 - The menu for you, madam. - Thank you. 230 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,550 - For you, sir. - Thanks. 231 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,440 - I'll leave that with you. - Cheers. 232 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,430 It's a Lupercalia menu. 233 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,830 Oh, shit, I completely forgot that was today. 234 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,590 No wonder this place is full of couples. Ha! 235 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,070 Oooh. 236 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,790 - You all right? - Yeah. 237 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,840 What you doing down there? 238 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,590 - Aargh! Fuck! - Ooh! 239 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:02,960 - What's happening? - Oh! 240 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,190 I think something just stabbed me in my... organ. 241 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,590 Stabbed? What stabbed you? 242 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,830 I think it must be a splinter from the chair. 243 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,470 Cor, it really stings. 244 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,470 Ah, shit, I hope it's still functional. 245 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:19,310 Look, these shitbags have hiked up the prices for Lupercalia anyway. 246 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,390 Why don't we just go back to my place? 247 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,510 I'll rustle us something up. You can sort out your organ. 248 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:27,310 - Back to your place? - Mm, yeah. 249 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,360 OK, great. 250 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,630 One passionate pudding, two spoons. 251 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,600 Thank you. Thanks so much. 252 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,070 Hm. No! I don't like it. 253 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,630 Oh, sorry. 254 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,470 Well, do push on if you can, babe, cos... 255 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,030 I don't like it, Theo, I just said. 256 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,190 - It's rank. - Sure, no, absolutely. Sorry. 257 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,510 I... I tell you what. Why don't I dig in, 258 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,560 see what's in there. 259 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,360 Mm. 260 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:05,070 Sorry! Sorry! Is this definitely the right passionate pudding, waiter? 261 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,590 - Yeah, should be. - Try and swap it for cheese. 262 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,110 - Er... - Theo! 263 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,070 Sorry. One sec, babe. I just... 264 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:14,150 I thought it had a special ingredient in it. 265 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,950 A very expensive ingredient. 266 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,790 Yeah, I know. I put it in myself and then I... 267 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,990 Oh, I love you too, Grumio. 268 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,630 Ah-ooh, ah-ooh! 269 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,670 Don't tease me now. Ohhh! 270 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,080 Mmmm! 271 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,390 You greedy bastard, Grumio! 272 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,510 You were the one who told me to get me own food. 273 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,750 That must've been some budget bling cos it slid straight down. 274 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,150 Didn't even touch the sides. 275 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,190 That ring belonged to my late grandmother! 276 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,750 Theo! What are you doing? 277 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,070 - I'm sitting here like a lemon! - One sec, babe. 278 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,590 Just talking through... cheese options. 279 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,510 Oh, shitters! 280 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,070 Right. I need to get that ring back, buster! 281 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,710 All right, chill! 282 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,270 Lucky for you your ring's inside 283 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,510 one of the fastest digestive systems in Rome. 284 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,830 It's true. His gut is an absolute shit storm. 285 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,430 OK, so what's the plan? 286 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:05,120 Grab them prunes and that colander and meet me in the bogs. 287 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,430 Hey, I'll keep her occupied. Don't you worry. 288 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,790 This can still be a great Lupercalia, for everyone. 289 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:16,360 Thank you. Sorry, that's jolly decent of you. 290 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,030 Toilet's down the hall. 291 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,870 Do you want me to give you a hand? 292 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,560 Er... I can handle it. 293 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,310 Aargh! Aargh! 294 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,710 - You little prick. - What? 295 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,030 Oh, hello. Who are you? 296 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:41,870 I'm Barney. Gloria's son. 297 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,230 - Who are you? - Son? 298 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,870 OK, erm... 299 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,760 Well, I'm Marcus. Gloria's... 300 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,550 Actually I'm not entirely sure who I am 301 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:52,790 in relation to your mum. 302 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,550 She hasn't said anything, has she, about what she's doing? 303 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,070 She said she was out for dinner. 304 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,430 Uh-huh, OK. 305 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,150 I knew that. And does she do that a lot? 306 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,230 - Have dinners with men? - Are you calling my mum a slag? 307 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,190 No, I'm not calling her anything. 308 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,830 I'm just asking if she's... 309 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,030 What? 310 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,030 She's giving off a lot of mixed signals. 311 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,310 I thought if you knew whether it was a date or... 312 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,790 - It isn't. - Mm-hm, OK. 313 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:19,470 - Why do you say that? - You're not her type. 314 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,630 She likes big tough guys, not weedy pussies. 315 00:13:22,180 --> 00:13:24,550 I am not a weedy pussy, thank you very much. 316 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,470 - I'll tell her you don't know if it's a date. - Please don't. 317 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,790 - And you were playing with your dick. - I wasn't. 318 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,270 I was extricating my dick from a rose thorn. 319 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,270 - Ha! That's even better. - What? No. 320 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,910 - You will not tell your mum. - Oh, yeah? Or what? 321 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,230 What you gonna do about it? 322 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,110 Whine at me? No, I'll... With your weedy, whiney voice? 323 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,830 I'll rip your tongue out and shove it up your arse! 324 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,910 - What? - That's right. 325 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:49,080 I'll make you lick your own bum, you dirty little... boy. 326 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,160 Not so tough now, are ya? 327 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,550 It just won't do. 328 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,310 I mean, what is he even doing in there? 329 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,990 Dunno. I think he's got some business with the little guy 330 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,190 from the other table. It's lucky I'm here, though, to fill in. 331 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,430 Oh, this is so typical of Theo. 332 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,790 Oh! Completely. 333 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:09,950 Men! 334 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,510 Expecting me to just wait around 335 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,670 while he parks the chariot or goes to work. 336 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,230 All my friends are married by now. But no, not me. 337 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,110 Yet another Lupercalia where I go home without a ring. 338 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:23,310 - I mean, it's not on, is it? - It's criminal is what it is. 339 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:24,510 A gorgeous girl like you. 340 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,630 If he's not serious about you, you should just cut him loose. 341 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,190 I mean, I always knew it was gonna be rocky for us. 342 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,430 I'm an Aries, Theo's a Capricorn. 343 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:36,350 I didn't expect him to just take some small man to the toilets. 344 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,230 - What, sorry? You're an Aries? - I'm a classic Aries. 345 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,350 - Why? - Because I'm an Aries. 346 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,390 Just today I was thinking, I never meet any other Arieses. 347 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,920 Wow! Finally. 348 00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:49,820 Prune. 349 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,230 I mean, do I actually have to be here holding this? 350 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,550 You do, yeah. I like having a target. 351 00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,950 Sorry. Right, of course. 352 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,670 I'll be honest, this isn't really the kind of Lupercalia 353 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,310 - I had in mind. - You're telling me! 354 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,870 I'm meant to be on a date night. 355 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,750 I should've proposed to her years ago but I dithered. 356 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,670 I wanted to wait until I could afford an apartment but... 357 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,670 Oh, Jove. Holy Jove! 358 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:16,070 - I've buggered it all up! - Oh, shut it, will ya! 359 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,070 You're making me tense. I need to be loose. 360 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,190 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 361 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,640 I just don't think I can live without her. 362 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,990 Better get this ring out me guts, hadn't we? 363 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,510 Yes, please, thank you. 364 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,310 Sorry. You really are being an absolute star about all this. 365 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,950 I am, yeah. 366 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,390 Maybe give me back a rub and see if it helps along a bit. 367 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,440 Yes, of course. Sorry. 368 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,520 Hm. And pop in another prune. 369 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,070 He's a sweet boy. Well, he can be. 370 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,230 Given all the aggro over the last few years 371 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,750 between me and his dickhead father. 372 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,750 Well, I'd love to meet him one day. 373 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,270 Er... Barney, not his dickhead father. 374 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,350 I think you'd get on well, you and Barney. 375 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,110 Yeah, yeah, I'm sure we would. 376 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,590 - I love kids. - Well, yeah. 377 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,270 I guess you were one quite recently. 378 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,870 Look, sorry to be blunt, 379 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,470 but do you mind if we take this into the bedroom? 380 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,310 The... er... Yeah! 381 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:15,870 Yeah, well, why not? 382 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,320 - Ssh! Barney's sleeping. - OK. 383 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,630 Here, look! It's the damp patch. 384 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,070 Ah! 385 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,360 Yes. Of course. 386 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,600 - Can you feel it? - I... er... 387 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:34,390 - Yes. - Isn't it soft and warm? 388 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,390 Hm. Yep. 389 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,470 It's opened up gaps in the masonry. 390 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,910 You can actually fit a finger inside it. 391 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,750 It's just so wet, isn't it? 392 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,800 Yes, it's really wet. 393 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,510 Barney? Barney's gone! Barney! 394 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,670 - Marcus, come here quickly! - Yeah. Yeah, just one minute! 395 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,720 Barney? Barney! 396 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,790 This is crazy! What are we doing? 397 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,390 We're just following our stars. 398 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,670 It's written that me and you meet and have sex in the cellar. 399 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,790 I can't. Not without breaking up with Theo first. 400 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,310 I'm too moral. I really can't cheat on him. 401 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,390 Yeah, you can. It's easy. 402 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,150 You can't dump the guy on Lupercalia. 403 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,710 - That's well harsh. - Yeah, you're right. 404 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,950 We'll just have to wait until tomorrow. 405 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,950 Ah, no, OK, you were right before. 406 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,350 You should dump him now. 407 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,920 - Barney! Barney! - Barney! 408 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,270 Barnabus! 409 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:36,030 Ah, I mean, why would he just run off like that? 410 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,430 He's having a tough time at school recently. 411 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,470 I can't afford to get him the latest sandals 412 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,870 or the right abacus, 413 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,470 so he's been targeted by bullies. 414 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,950 Honestly, the things they say -- just atrocious. 415 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,430 Really violent, graphic threats. 416 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,160 Oh, dear, that's... I hate that! 417 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,310 If it's true, of course. 418 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,550 He might be making it up. That does happen. 419 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,830 It's made him wet the bed again. He's not making that up. 420 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,470 I've had more than one damp patch to deal with recently. 421 00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:05,110 Yeah, look, about that -- 422 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,550 the wall, I'll pay for it. 423 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,390 You've clearly got enough on your plate as it is so... 424 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,590 Oh, thank you, Marcus. 425 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:14,200 That is so sweet of you. 426 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,310 Roses! Fancy a rose, do you? 427 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,510 Oh! It's you again, beaky. 428 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,110 You want another rose 429 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,790 or is it time you started wanking and crying? 430 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,430 Well, I've no idea what that's about. 431 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,150 - Weird woman. - Come on. 432 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,200 I think I know where he is. 433 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,110 Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is the gents. 434 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,310 - You shouldn't be in here. - Oh, by Jove! Theo! 435 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,030 Babe, wait. Sorry, I can explain. 436 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,830 It's too late. It's over. 437 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,710 I've put up with this shit for 12 years 438 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,230 and then you just abandon me on Lupercalia, in some skanky bar? 439 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,950 - All right, it's not that bad. - I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. 440 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,710 To play some sicko sex game with this tiny diner? 441 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:55,950 You what? Sex game? 442 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,910 What kind of sex game would this be? 443 00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,590 I don't know. I don't want to know. 444 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,310 Babe, no, it's nothing like that. 445 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,550 He swallowed a ring I put in the pudding to propose to you with. 446 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,910 - We're trying to coax it out. - Oh, come on! 447 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,470 That's a bit far-fetched, innit? 448 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,590 What? You know that's what's happening. 449 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,350 He's desperate. He'll say anything to string you along. 450 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,110 I know. Capricorn scum. 451 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,590 Oh, for Jove's sake! 452 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:21,150 Ohh! 453 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,200 Pick that one out. 454 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,230 It's in here. Look! The ring, it's in here. 455 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,270 - What? No, is it? - I think my ring's in there an' all. 456 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,350 Will you two please sort this out? You're perfect for each other. 457 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,430 You're all like, "This won't do, Theo." 458 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,470 And you're like, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." 459 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,110 Yeah, I suppose we are a bit. 460 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,880 Flora Antonia Modius... 461 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,270 Not exactly how I planned to do this but... 462 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,630 - Will you marry me? - Yes! 463 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,310 - I will! - What? Oh! 464 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:55,510 - I'd give it a rinse first. - Yes. Good idea. 465 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,350 Sorry. 466 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,190 Sorry if the evening hasn't gone as expected, Marcus. 467 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,910 No, really, I wasn't quite sure what to expect, to be honest. 468 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,230 So, is this a friend's house or... 469 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:10,150 No, it's his dad's. Been avoiding him recently. 470 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,830 We keep arguing about how to deal with Barney's bullies. 471 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,230 Right, well, diplomacy is always the best policy, I think. 472 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,350 Me too! 473 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:20,190 Unfortunately, he would prefer to beat the shite out of 'em. 474 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,830 Down, Pluto! In your bed now! 475 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,960 - Down, boy! - Yeah, maybe I should go. 476 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,710 I wondered when you'd show up. 477 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:29,990 Hello, Cyrus. 478 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,270 - Is Barney here? - Might be. 479 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,110 - Who's this pecker? - Barney! Come here, please! 480 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,550 This your new boyfriend, is it? 481 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,510 Been on a little date together, have you? 482 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,390 It's actually none of your business. 483 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,950 Well, no, really, it's fine. You can tell him. 484 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,110 - Maybe you should tell him. - That's him, Dad. 485 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,750 He said he'd rip out my tongue and lick my arse. 486 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,750 - What? What the fuck? - Is that what you said? 487 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,790 No, no. I said he'd lick his own arse 488 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,310 after I shoved his tongue up... 489 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,110 I wasn't threatening to lick his... 490 00:20:56,660 --> 00:20:58,150 Thanks for a lovely evening. 491 00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,600 Oh, no, you don't! 492 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:02,200 Aargh! 493 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,230 Right, so hang on. Was it a date or not? 494 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,470 I don't know. Never found out. 495 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:11,990 Either way, Lupercalia succeeded in taking a shitload of cash off me. 496 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:13,590 How was your night, then, Grumio? 497 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,550 There were a rocky patch earlier but I can win myself round. 498 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,310 Oh, lovely. At least one of us might get some action tonight. 499 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,110 Hey! I'm not giving up that easy. 500 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,660 Lupercalia ain't over yet! 501 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,150 Ah, here he is! How was Tabitha, then? 502 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,510 - Not quite what I hoped. - See, I told you. 503 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,390 The picture wasn't accurate, right? 504 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,070 Oh, no, it was... about 40 years ago. 505 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:36,230 You'll see her in a sec. She's just struggling with the stairs. 506 00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,270 We had a bit of a row, actually. 507 00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:39,550 Oh, dear, what happened? 508 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:42,230 It was over that bloody poem. She found it offensive. 509 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,710 I find that offensive. That poem were quality. 510 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,230 I wouldn't worry about Tabitha. I think her night's looking up. 511 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,670 Hey, Tabitha! How you doin', baby? 512 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,720 Happy Lupercalia! 513 00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:57,320 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39460

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