All language subtitles for Plebs s04e02 .eng

Welcome to the Crown And Toga.

Thank you for coming in.
Please do take a seat.

Cool, thank you.

So, Pia, how did you hear about
the waitressing position?

Oh, yeah, well, I was sunbathing
down by the river,

and he, that one,

lay down beside me and said
I would be perfect for it.

Did he now?
And do you have any experience

- in the service industry?
- No, I'm a model.

- Perfect.
- Hm.

What about, how are you
with taking down orders?

Yeah, I'm actually illiterate.

So, not great?

Well, she can just remember
the orders.

Oh, no, I've got
a shocking memory,

but I suppose I could draw
little pictures of them, maybe.

Perfect!
And, Pia, tell me,

how do you stay
in such great shape?

I run a lot and swim.

- Perfect.
- Utterly irrelevant.

Yeah, I've got a question.

What's your favourite bit
of a chicken to eat?

Hm, I guess... the meat.

Hm, well, I think we've heard
enough. We'll let you know.

We'll let you know right now.
You got the job!

Oh, amazing!

- What? Hang on.
- We need to discuss it, mate.

She's perfect. Anyway,
front of house is my domain.

So, well done, Pia.
You smashed it.

Ooh!

Ohh!

? Yeah!

? When in Rome

? Do as the Romans do

? Far from home

? All I got is you ?

- It looks like a severed hand.
- Yes, I don't remember

putting "severed hand"
on the menu.

Oh, this is jizz.
She needs to do better drawings

or I won't know
what I'm cooking.

All right, chill. Why are
you two bagging her out?

Because she's thick and lazy
and under-qualified.

But apart from that,
she's perfect.

Excuse me, I'm still waiting for
my sausage and mash over here.

Ah, that's what it is.

It's actually quite obvious
when you know.

Yeah, sorry, we've got problems
with the new waitress.

So, have I, mate.
You should have hired me.

I'm charming, literate.
I'm incredibly hard-working.

Wouldn't be paying me to stand
around twiddling my hair.

Yeah, can you stop her doing that
and get her to take the rubbish out?

Ugh!

One sausage and mash,
then, Chef.

- I'd rather cook a severed hand.
- Oh, please don't you start, Grumio.

How can we make a splash
on the Roman food scene

if you won't let me serve
my funky new menu?

Which menu is this? Dishes only
beginning with the letter Q?

No, I've gone off that one.
It's basically just quiche.

The new menu's called
Stuffing Stuff In Stuff.

So, it's like a mouse
inside a grouse

or a squid inside a squirrel.

Hm, OK, that sounds
far too funky.

We're sticking
with classic pub fare.

Classic pub unfair, more like.

I'm the chef.
I should get to decide.

And I'm the one who spent
every last sesterce he has

on this toilet, Grumio,
so I get to decide.

If you wanna shove a frog inside
a dog, do it on your own time.

Yeah, well, I might, actually,
cos that is one of my dishes.

I just don't like touching
rubbish. I find it gross.

Yeah, completely.
I mean, it's rubbish, innit?

That is like so clever,

because it is rubbish
and it's rubbish.

I'll take this out, shall I?

Yeah, cheers.

Cos Mario is always
saying that about sweets.

Cos they're called sweets
and they're sweet.

I'd never
really thought of that.

- Sorry, who's Mario?
- My fiance.

- Ah, perfect.
- Yeah.

Perfecto.

- Ah!
- Oh, watch out for the cobble.

Yeah, maybe warn people before
they trip over it in future.

Mm, are you the new owner
of the toilet, are you?

Bar. It's a bar now.

And we are trying to attract
some customers,

so if you could not peg up
your pants so near our door.

Oh, they're not mine.

Clearly, look at the size of
them, you cheeky bastard.

Right, well, either way.

This is my laundrette.
I'm Gloria.

Ah, OK, I'm Marcus. Hello.

This is where you always
hang up your washing,

- is it, Gloria?
- Yeah, that's right.

In fact, I was gonna ask,

do you mind if I pop round later
and take the piss?

Sorry, the, uh...?

Urine from your loos.

I need the ammonia
to wash the clothes, you see.

- I used to just help myself.
- Yeah, I kinda do mind you

taking the piss, actually.

I mean, if you really need it,
I can maybe do you a deal.

A deal, for piss?
Are you serious?

Well, I'm sorry, but business
isn't booming right now.

Oh, you'll be all right.

It's only one review.
It's not gonna kill you.

- Sorry, how do you mean?
- I think you can trust people

to make up
their own minds before...

Oh, you've not seen it,
have you?

One. One fork. One forking fork.

- Well, what's it out of?
- Well, five, clearly.

Oh, fine, I thought
it was out of ten.

- So, who is this Athena, anyway?
- Who's Athena?

That's Athena Balvantius, mate,
the biggest food critic in Rome.

And she came to our bar?
That's pretty cool.

It is in no way cool. It is a total
bloody disaster.

Yeah, which is all your fault

for not letting me
stuff stuff in stuff.

No, it is your fault

for failing to nail
the pub classics like I said.

And poor service will
definitely have been a factor.

And so will atmosphere,
which is total spuzz,

thanks to you weirding the place
out with your beard.

Oh, blaming customers' beards
now. Classy.

Grr!

Why did she do this to us?

We weren't ready
to be criticised.

Sod her.
I'll just paint over it.

She can go and fork herself.

Oh, no, I wouldn't do that.
She'd kick up a stink.

Only Athena can take it down.

Let's just find her and
charm/bully her into doing that.

Find her? Find her? How?

I bet she's some reclusive
little hermit weirdo.

Far from it, actually. She's
quite the woman about town.

I know that she takes afternoon
tea every day in the Forum.

- How do you know all this shit?
- I'm a huge gourmand.

Yet another reason why
you should have hired me.

OK. Come on,
let's get her, then.

Yeah. Jason, you hold the fort,
maybe teach Pia to read.

Nah, I think you were
right about her.

Yeah, should have hired
someone else.

- Finally he admits it.
- OK, you deal with that,

seeing as front of house
is your domain.

Oh, hey, what do I do
if we get busy?

Somehow I don't think
that's gonna be a problem.

How will we know
which one's her?

We'll take a punt, I reckon.

Hi, there. Hello. Athena, is it?

No, I shan't review your
little pop-up waffle shack.

Now run along and leave me
to my cake.

No, it's not that.
We're from the Crown And Toga.

You actually reviewed us
already.

And gave us one fork,
you spiteful shit.

No, no, Grumio. Sorry about him.
He's upset. You know how chefs get.

But we were wondering if you
could maybe remove it.

We've only just opened and weren't
quite ready to be forked like that.

One fork? One fork, let me see.

Deathly quiet pub cafe,

sluggish service,
stench of faeces.

- Is that you?
- Mm-hm, yeah, that's us.

The place used to be a bog.

That explains why the food
was so bog standard.

Sausage and mash, pie and peas,
beans on...

whatever next? Toast.

No, I'm sorry,
it's a critic's job,

nay, duty, to protect the public
from such insipid dreck.

That's his dreck, not mine.

I don't wanna cook that cack
but he's been forcing me.

- Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
- I've got big ideas,

absolute whoppers,

but this stingy sod's
all about playing it safe.

Constraint of creativity by
penny-pinching Philistines

is the worst crime
in all humanity.

Completely.
You're bang on, love.

Listen, give us another go.

I know tasty, OK?

I live and breathe food
and eat it, obviously.

- Hm. - I'll blow your buds to bits.
I promise.

Well, as it happens, I have
had a cancellation for tonight.

- Tonight? That's a...
- You're on.

Expect me at seven.
This time... be ready.

So, Daphne, first things first.
Are you single?

Yes, I single.

- Perfect. - Is that seriously
your first question?

Actually, it's my only question.

Well, I'm also single and I've
got supremely steady hands

owing to years of experience

dispensing water
for a major grain company.

I don't care,
cos I wanna hire Daphne.

- Yes, please. - Yeah. - At least give me
an interview.

I'm clearly the best man
for the job.

I don't want a man for the job.

A-ha! That's discrimination,
then, because of my gender.

And your personality.

I'm gonna consult the statutes,
maybe talk to a tribune.

Ho, ho, ho! You're in
big trouble now, new guy.

Big trouble.

What other animals
fit in animals?

Hm, is this definitely how we
should be planning our menu?

I want it to sound right an' all,
like a herring inside a heron.

OK, cos that sounds
really wrong.

You don't get creativity, mate.

It's like Athena said, you're
a pen-pushing paedophile.

A penny-pinching Philistine.
And I'm not, actually.

I just don't want us
to bugger this up.

We've already buggered it up,
thanks to you.

Tonight's my turn. Can hardly
get any worse, can it?

Ugh! Fine.

How about a sausage
in a... partridge?

In an ostrich, a triple-stuffer.

Now we're cooking.

And who's that, please?

Yeah, that's Greta. I hired her
a couple of hours ago.

And that's Daphne,
over by the door.

And Pia, of course,
you already know.

So, we've now got
three waitresses?

Yeah, well, Pia's got a boyfriend,
so I had to hire Daphne,

but we don't really click.
Know what I mean?

So I got Greta, who's cool,
but I think she's a lesbian.

- I'll just get another one tomorrow.
- What? No, you won't.

I meant you could hire someone
instead of, not as well as, her.

You can't keep hiring more and more
waitresses until you find one who'll sleep with you.

Oh, right.

Look, I genuinely
didn't realise that.

- You'll have to get rid of them.
- What? No, that's well awks.

Firing is not really my thing.

Well, so I see,
but our staff-to-customer ratio

hardly screams success, does it?

Table for one, please.

I do hope you can squeeze me in.

Fire them all now.

Athena, such an honour
to have you back with us.

Stuffing Stuff In Stuff?

It's a meditation on nature

and the brutal logic
of the food chain.

And seeing what things
I can fit inside other things.

- And specifically that, yes.
- It's 12 courses.

A 12-course tasting menu, golly!

Well, no, they're full plates.

It's more of a 12-course
eating menu.

Starting with our first course,
a squid in a squirrel.

Goodness me,
I didn't expect that.

Neither did the squirrel.

Enjoy.

So? How's it going down?

Well, she's cleared her plate.

Look, you'd struggle to get
any more off that wren.

- Or the hen.
- Wow.

You know, I thought this menu

was the stuff of
a lunatic's nightmare

but it turns out you might be
an OK chef, after all.

Let's just hope
she's left room for afters.

Your final course, a plum
in a peach in a pie in a pud.

Athena?

Well, that's one way
of eating it.

You total twat, Grumio!
This is what happens

when you insist on stuffing
everything in everything.

Steady on. You said I were
an OK chef a minute ago.

Well, a fair bit's changed
since then.

A critic has died,

which is the worst review
she could have possibly given.

It's not just his food, though.

Look at her, she's a heart
attack waiting to happen.

Well, this was certainly
the 12-course eating menu that broke the camel's back.

So should we go
and tell a grown-up?

- Yeah, I'll get a centurion.
- Whoa! Hang on.

- Why would you call the fuzz?
- Why wouldn't we call the fuzz?

Brother, if word gets out that
we're stuffing people to death,

then our business
is deader than she is.

Now, do you want this bar
to work or not?

What have you got in mind?

Ooh.

Ooh! That's good.

I know,
and she never got to try it.

That's the real tragedy here.

Oh, holy crap, she's heavy.

Oh, I can't do this.

I'm knackered from
stuffing stuff in stuff.

No. No, you do not, Grumio.

We need all hands on deck here.

Right, I've checked the sexual
discrimination statutes

and apparently
I don't have a case.

What's going on?

Yeah, how much do you
want that job?

Oh, Jove, what am I doing?

Ssh! Keep it down, Aurelius.

Two things
I promised my father.

Never buy anything on credit and
never get mixed up in a murder.

- Stop saying murder. It were an
accident. - Exactly. All above board.

So why are we dumping
her body in the woods, then?

Holy Jove,
I'm going to Hades for this.

I suspect you were
going there anyway.

She's a critic. It's not
like anyone's gonna miss her.

Yeah, good riddance, I say.

If you give my grub
a one-fork review,

- then this is what you get.
- Ooh, that's a point.

You can paint over it now, then
nobody will know how bad our bar is

until they're inside it.

See? It's all coming together.

Here you are, this'll do.

One, two, three
and ditch the witch!

And cover her with leaves?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
just play it cool.

Ah! Sorry, sorry.

Oh, God, I'm still thinking
about her, you know?

I close my eyes
and all I can see is her face.

- Her big dead face.
- Don't close your eyes, then.

Hey, you open?

Gloria! Hey!

Hello. Yeah...
What can we get for you?

Yeah, look, I know
what you boys are up to.

- What? What do you mean?
- I saw what you did.

It was nothing to do with me.
I can get money.

Outside, fixing that review.

Oh, thank Jove.

Oh, yes,
apparently the one-fork thing

was actually a mistake, so
they decided to take it down.

But they didn't, did they? "They"
upgraded it from one fork to six.

Six?

Wow! That is...

Is that how many
they've given us?

That's tremendous.

Well, maybe that's
just what we deserve.

Yeah, be careful, I would.

Other bars round here
wouldn't be too happy to know

you've been faking your reviews.

If someone were to tell them,
of course.

Uh... you can have the piss for
free from now on, if you like.

Uh, we don't have much stock
at the moment,

but we can have a sort of whip
round, if that'll, you know...?

What? Shut me up?

Yeah, all right, then. Bring it
round later, there's a love.

- Because it's out of five.
- So?

So six forks isn't possible,
is it?

I think it is, mate.
You're looking at it.

No, but I mean five is perfect,
so how can you have six?

Cos this is like perfect,
but then one better.

Yeah, like seven would be
perfect, but two better.

- Shall I change it to seven?
- Maybe.

No, stop adding forks.

Just paint over the last couple,
if anything.

Go with four, a nice, solid,
unsuspicious four.

- Look, here it is.
- Oh, ya!

- I told you it's for real.
- Mm.

Hello, hi, can we help you?

Ah-ha, we've heard that Athena's
given her first ever six-forker

and we wanna check it out.

Yeah, I was just saying
how unusual that is.

I know, and in such
a bandit part of town.

It must be off the hook.

- This the queue, darling?
- You are the queue, darling.

- Head on in.
- Marvellous.

Good to see you.

Oh!

I honestly don't recognise this
place with like people in it.

I know, I mean, where did
the bongo guy come from?

I think when bars get this
popular, bongo guys just appear.

And there have been
no complaints about the food.

Not a peep. These goons
would eat a spunk sandwich

if it was well reviewed.

Two more snail quail thingies
for table six.

Ah, for crying out loud!

I'm run off my feet here.
They won't stop ordering.

Yes, that is the idea.

All right, look, I've been
thinking, maybe you were right.

Six forks is too many,
in't it?

We should probably change it to
four, or, you know, three's fine.

Oh, don't be coy, Grumio.

You wanted to make a splash,
didn't you?

Well, now you have,
so you better learn to swim.

- Hm!
- Yes, one second.

Oh! Ah, sorry, sorry.

Stop doing that.
We're gonna run out of plates.

I know, I'm sorry, it's just
people keep asking about Athena,

where she sat
and what she ordered.

And she's dead. Athena's dead,
Marcus, in a fucking ditch!

Now you made me touch
your manky beard.

Sorry, you shouldn't
have had to do that.

What are we gonna do? Can't have
this gibbering wreck around.

- It's too risky.
- Put him in the kitchen.

- He can stuff stuff with Grumio.
- Thank you, yes, I agree.

Well, hang on, who's gonna
cover for him on the floor?

You are, for a bit,
whilst I hire a new waitress.

Ugh! Is that a good plan?

I've got a fool-proof system
this time.

- I'll get the perfect match.
- That wasn't my main worry.

You'll be fine.

These lot think bad service
is part of the charm.

OK, then, girls, question number
three, are you single?

If the answer's no,
take a step back.

Yeah, sorry, I really don't
think this is an acceptable way

to conduct a job interview.

And you can take
a step back too.

OK, here we go
with question number four,

do you fancy men/me?

If the answer's no,
then back you go.

OK, part B,
would you still fancy me

if you knew I had quite large
nipples for a man?

All right, no, no, fair enough.

You'd have found out eventually.
Know what I mean?

OK, question number five...

Now! It's ready! Service!

- Yeah, just one second.
- Excuse me!

Yeah, sorry,
Jason's still not back.

Table six wants one wren in hen and
one marrow in sparrow, by the way.

Have they not missed
last orders?

Last orders?
It's only eight o'clock.

Oh, for...

- Where's my entree for table four?
- It's coming.

- It's coming what?
- It's coming, Chef.

What are you doing?
Stuffing a mouse in a goose?

- Is that not right, Chef?
- The mouse goes in the grouse.

The moose goes in the goose,
you fucking numbskull.

I thought the moose
and the grouse...

- I'm sorry, Chef.
- Oh, you're sorry, are you?

I don't want sorry. We can't
serve sorry, can we?

- Can we?!
- I don't understand the question.

- Can we serve sorry?
- I think no, Chef?

No, Chef, so shape up or ship
out, you useless streak of shit.

Yes, Chef.

Right, pass me a sparrow.

Is this the sparrow or the wren?

Are you fucking kidding me?

- So, this is the place.
- Wonderful.

Ah. At last.
You took your time.

Sorry, I couldn't choose
between the final two.

So, it went down to
a sudden-death tiebreaker.

- I really don't care.
- Cool.

- This is Sandra, the winner.
- Hi.

- You up for getting started?
- I'm up for anything.

- Ah! - Whoa,
what are you doing out here?

I can't take it any more.
Grumio, Chef, is gonna kill me.

- As if he is.
- He's killed before.

He's gonna chop me up
and stick me in a pie.

Ah, he'd never put a man
in a pie. It doesn't rhyme.

- He might put you in a flan.
- Don't make me go back in there.

I'll tell a centurion. I will.
I'll confess everything.

Whoa! Hey, no.

You're not squealing on us,
all right? No way.

- I just need this to be over.
- We're in this together, OK?

- Just get back in the kitchen.
- No! Get off me!

Excuse me, can I just...

Argh! Ah, it's her.

Oh, shit.

Can anyone else see that?

No, out! Spirit, be gone!

I am no spirit. I am Athena
Balvantius, food critic of Rome.

Having awarded this toilet
of a restaurant one fork,

I graciously agreed to give them
another chance.

I was then fed a meal
so dangerously dense,

it near killed me.

I awoke to find my hosts had
left me for dead in a ditch

and revised my review
from one to six forks,

which is not only disgraceful
but mathematically absurd.

Yeah, I did tell him that.

You good people
must not eat here.

The owners are crooks and cheats
and the food is a rank abomination.

She's right, this place is shit.

I hereby amend my review
to no forks.

Well, I'm gonna
stop stuffing, then.

And we no longer need Sandra.

No. Come on, really?

Do it.

Question number nine,

would you still fancy me
if I said you were fired?

Oh.

Wow! That is a lot of piss.

You lucked out. During our period as
one of Rome's hottest gastropubs,

we filled a lot of bladders.

Well, much obliged.

- Shit, careful on the...
- Argh!

Ah! Ah!

I swallowed some.

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? Can I conquer you?

? Gotta believe

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? I came, I saw, I conquered

? Can I conquer you?

? Can I conquer

? Gotta conquer

? Need to conquer you, you, you ?

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