All language subtitles for Plebs s03e05 The Crimewave.eng

Now, shithead. Give me your money.
Please, I'd really rather not.

Give me your money, or I'll knife
you.

Well, obviously, when you put
it like that.

And the rest of you. Come on.

I've only really got this. Yeah. You
can keep that.

And that's all I've got. I'm so sorry.
Don't apologise. He's mugging you.

I know. I'm saying I just spent it all
on these shoes. So give me your shoes.

Oh, no. Please. They won't fit you.
I've got surprisingly dainty feet.

Shoes, now. All of you.

And I'll have your necklace, as
well. Fuck you, you piece of shit.

Yeah. Don't call the armed mugger
rude names, probably.

Listen to your boyfriend, love.

Now give me that necklace, or I'll
cut his dick off.

Of course he won't. You sure about
that?

Just give him the necklace now.
Please, Delphine.

Cheers, Delphine. Thank you.

Nah, you can keep them too. Magic.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do

I lost my money, my shoes, and
Delphine's respect in one go.

At least he didn't cut your penis
off. He may as well have done.

She wouldn't even touch me last night.
Classic animal behaviour, innit?

She's seen her male get
out-antlered by another stag

and no longer wants to
mate with him.

But I want to mate with HER. This is
the best mating I've ever had.

Then you need to show her that
you're the alpha male.

Spread your wings. Get your talons
out. Talons? I thought I was a stag.

Well, you're more of an eagle. Cos
of the beak.

Oh, cheers. Kick me when I'm down.

All right, Agatha? Hiya, Grumie.

I was hoping you'd come by. I made a
new orange and almond cake.

Yes, please. Or maybe "no, please",
Grumio.

We need the money for shoes. Don't
worry, it's on the house.

Is it? Why? I'm sort of like Agatha's
taste consultant.

He's got such a refined palate.

It could do with a squeeze more
orange, a few less almonds,

and being a much bigger cake.

And you must try some flapjack.

Hey. Check this out. 'Roman Military
Fitness.

Get in shape and learn to fight with
genuine ex-soldier.'

Maybe we should do this. I think I'd
rather learn Persian folk dancing.

We'd never get mugged again.
If anything, we'd be doing the mugging.

Not sure that's the idea.

And you can show Delphine that you're
the biggest bull in the barnyard.

Get her ready for mating season.
What do you reckon, G-Man?

I reckon this flapjack is
fan-flapping-tastic.

Plenty more where that came from. Is
there?

I always assumed Grumio was fully
asexual.

Like a monk. Or a plate.

The guy's getting his oats, man.

And not just from her flapjacks. You
know what I'm saying?

What's with the queue?

It's new security measures cos of
this crime wave. Absolutely typical.

Oh, bloody hell. I know. The one day I
bring in my longbow and this happens.

Longbow? Why have you got that?

To ward off muggers, obviously.
What? From miles away?

I can still fire it up close. Course
you can't. Look. I can.

Or I can bonk people with the bow.

Oh! There. Warded off.

OK. You're clean.

These are the new security measures?
You frisking people?

Not all people. I don't need to do
you. Or you, water boy.

What about me? Well, obviously not.

You're hardly likely to pose a
threat.

It's gonna be young, athletic
ne'er-do-wells like...oh, shredder.

How is he getting frisked
and not me?

I've got a longbow for Jove's sake.
Water man.

Yes. I'll take that, thank you.

Right, you. Spread 'em.

It's full of middle-aged women.
Look.

Yeah. This really isn't for us. No,
come on. It'll be good.

We can learn how to
protect ourselves.

You know how to protect
yourself, Marcus.

When in danger, you just give away
my jewellery.

OK. Shush, please, ladies.

Welcome. My name is Hector and I'll
be teaching you self-defence.

The streets are full of predators,
many of them sexual.

And a gorgeous bunch like you will
of course be prime targets.

Not you, to be fair.

Just a bit of banter.

This class will also include
military fitness.

If you don't know what military is,
it means army.

Which I was in. The Third Legion of.

OK. Let's get the blood flowing
first. Shake it down now, girls.

Yeah. First up, we're gonna learn
the nose-slam.

This little beauty saved my arse many
times at the Battle of Philippi.

OK. Volunteer time. One of the
fellas, maybe?

Yes, please. The big man with the
muscles. Come on.

Er, yep. Sure thing. The rest of you,
buddy up.

So if Muscles here is this
attacker...

And let's pretend he's a lot bigger,
make it realistic.

More banter, Muscles.

Imagine he comes in with a
right-hand jab. Yes please, big man.

Left arm parry, right hand flat,
crunching into the nose.

Keep practising and it will become
muscle memory.

Get it into your muscles.

Right, Muscles? OK. Once again,
please. Bit faster.

Parry. Nose-slap. Left arm round the
back of the neck into a chokehold.

From here, we can break the neck or
rapid punch the bonce.

Where would you rather, muscle man?
Neither, please.

I dunno why you're blubbing,
Muscles.

I'm not even doing it properly. This
shouldn't even be hurting.

Salve, Grumio. All right, landlord?
All right, Davus?

Your rent's overdue. I know. We got
mugged by some scumbag last night.

Should've taken advantage of our
crimewave protection deal.

What's the deal?

For a mere 30 denarii, Davus here
will offer you protection

from all those violent thugs out
there. Including, of course, himself.

Wicked. Bang it on the rent, eh?

Hi, Grumie. Agatha. What are you
doing here?

Special delivery. I made you a cake.

Oh, yeah. I should try some of that.

You know, check it's not poisoned.
I've got a protection deal.

It's a strawberry and walnut sponge
with a honey glaze.

Mmm. I should check it too,
actually.

I'll take my chances, thanks. Well,
I hope you like it.

Maybe you're right. It's not really
for us.

Are you kidding? I loved it. We're
going to get so fit.

Parry. Nose-slam. Stay down. There
are other ways to get fit.

We could learn Persian folk dancing,
for example.

Because the big man picked on you?
What? That?

That was just banter. He was messing
around.

When you were squealing like a pig
in a box, that was banter, was it?

Yeah. Pretty niche banter,
admittedly, but you know.

Sorry. Where are you going? Home. I'm
kind of pooped after that.

OK. Want me to escort you? Cos of the
crime wave and stuff.

Yeah, right.

She's never gonna mate with me again.

You shouldn't have pitted yourself
against the alpha male.

You pitted me against the alpha male.
The class was your idea.

I'll be better off taking
romantic advice from Grumio.

Any time you like, brother.

This baker must be really into you,
judging by the cake.

Why? Cos it's strawberry?

Cos it's heart-shaped, you div.

Oh, yeah. I hadn't spotted that.

Why do all confident men feel the
need to dominate me?

It's Mr Tappo's PE class all over
again.

You need to fight back. Show Hector
you're not to be trifled with.

But I am. Clearly I am to be trifled
with.

So fight dirty. Bop him in his
balls. Chuck sand in his eyes.

Or I could just hide behind the fat
kids, like I did in PE.

Proper moist.

Honestly, there's nothing up there.
Well, you can never be too careful.

From my point of view, you really
can.

Ah. And...

OK. You are clean. Right. I don't
feel it.

Er, yes. You, come forward.

Thank you. And spread 'em. Copier,
water boy, you can go through.

Right. Thank you. Oh, yeah. I see.
It's outrageous. Water man.

You're clearly profiling us and only
frisking the hot ones. How dare you.

My selection process is entirely random.
I demand to get searched right now,

or I'll file for discrimination. OK.
Come on, then.

Spread 'em.

Ah!

It was horrible. I feel brutalised.
It was just a slightly gropey pat down.

She encircled my member.

She's a very frisky frisker. What do
you expect? We could sue for this.

Touching a staff member's member is
sexual assault.

I know someone who got a payout of 3,000
denarii after something like this.

Three grand? Yeah.

Did she touch your member? Mate, she
was all over my staff member.

And my balls.
In fact, now that I think about it,

I'm starting to feel
pretty traumatised.

You see? Like I've received about
three grand's worth of sexual assault.

Would you like to lick the bowl?
Yes, please.

What about the spoon? I'll lick the
lot, mate.

Oh. It's like that, is it?

Come on, then. I'll eat you alive.

Things going well with Agatha, then?

Mmm. It's delicious.

Not quite what I asked. Course they
are, it's a match made in heaven.

She's happy baking. I'm happy
eating.

Right. And I don't want to put a
downer on what is clearly true love,

but you don't think she might be a
feeder, do you?

Oh, shit. Never thought of that.
Well, she does feed me, so.

But as in, she likes turning her
boyfriends into big, cakey fatties.

Well, let's hope so, eh?

Keep slamming those noses and it
will become instinctive.

Parry. Nose-slam. OK, volunteer
time.

I need someone to take me on.

Yes, please. Muscles.

No thanks, Hector.

What? Scared you'll hurt me, are
you?

No. Just wanna give someone else a
go. I'll do it, Hector.

Thanks. Thank you. Rescued by his
girlfriend. What a gentleman.

All right. Step forward then,
please, my darling.

Today we're gonna do some sexual
assault roleplays.

If you turn around, I'm gonna try
and goose you,

and you're gonna beat me off.
Actually, I will do it. It's OK.

Changed my mind.
He's not actually going to goose me.

I know. It's just I'm happy to do it.

And he did ask for me, so. All
right.

What's good for the goose is good
for the gander.

Right. So here's the deal. I'm
coming in for a goosing.

What do you do? Run away?

Run away! What is this? A wild goose
chase?

No. You deploy the chicken thrust.

Use those whopping great arms of
yours.

I'll demonstrate. Try and goose me.

Chicken thrust! Bam, bam, bam, bam!
Oh, shit!

Or version two. Come at me again,
please, Muscles.

In your own time, big dog.

Ah!

OK. And I've neutralised him.

Now he's on the deck, we can pin him
down.

And if there's gas in the tank...

(HE FARTS)

..guff on the face. We used this all
the time in the Third Legion.

(HE FARTS)

That guy should not be allowed to
teach.

He's an aggressive arsehole with an
aggressive arsehole.

As if they teach farting in the army.

I don't believe a word he says.
The guy's full of shit.

Certainly smelled like it. I do wish
I could guff on command, though.

That is well impressive. Not really.
I can do that.

(HE FARTS)

The trick is not following through.
OK. Wicked.

Delphine could barely watch.

She's gonna dump me before I can get
the stench out of my hair.

That's what you get for joining a
fitness class.

Should've stayed here with me and
the cakes.

Do you think you might have a bit of a cake
problem? No. I can stop when I want to.

Go on, then.

I don't want to. You are a bit of a
flubster around the face.

That's muscle from all the chewing.

(HE FARTS)

I did it! Sweet. Oh, yeah. I
followed through.

Mini cupcake? Give me a sec, I've
just put one in.

They're only mini. You're meant to
eat two at a time.

Max, is that you?

Agatha! Wow. Good to see you!

I didn't know you were in Rome. Yeah.
Doing private security now, ain't I?

Thank fuck for this crime wave. You
know what I mean?

All right, mate? All right? This is
Grumio, my new boyfriend.

Yeah, I can tell. His mouth's full
of cake.

I've got a whole box if you want
one.

Nah, you're all right. I should be
getting back to work. OK.

Well, good to see you, Max. Yeah.
You too.

Good luck, fella.

He an ex of yours, was he? Years
back, yeah.

He looks awful now he's lost all
that weight.

This one's lemon drizzle.

What's this? What in Hades do you
call this?

"Sexual assault"? That's right.

You wouldn't know sexual assault if it
bent you over and bit you on the bum.

(WHISPERING) Which, for the record, I
did not do.

Sorry. Who is that? It's my lawyer.
Ah.

He's here to swat away pesky little
parasites like you.

Well, we both found your frisking
style very traumatic, actually.

Oh, what rot. You violated us and
you know it.

And you were asking for it.
(WHISPERING)

No, he was. He literally asked me to
do it.

Let's just see what the tribunal has
to say about it, shall we?

Oh, bring it on. Many have tried to
pin me for sexual assault,

and every time I've wriggled free.

Because I am feared around these
parts,

and my word goes a very long way.

(WHISPERING)

And because I didn't do it...also.

She was shaking in her shoes, man.
We've as good as won it.

And then we can get a new flat, some
new threads,

a trolley to wheel around the muffin
man here.

I'm on a break from cake, as it
goes.

What's that in your hand, then?
Carrot cake. It's basically salad.

That's pretty much the definition of
having your cake and eating it.

Agatha says it's good for me.

Because she wants you to
be as big as a big house.

You don't think there's anything
weird about this, G-Man? I suppose.

I did bump into one of her
ex-boyfriends earlier. And?

And there were a lot of him.

And apparently when they were going
out, there were a lot more.

It's probably nothing, though, eh?

You've gotta get away from her.
She's a menace.

What did we tell you?

She'll keep stuffing you with cakes
till you can't move or get out of bed.

Keep talking. No, Grumio. You don't
want this.

You'll be utterly helpless.
She'll do everything for you.

While you lay there, eating.

Still waiting for the bad news. You'll
have to wash with a wet rag. Fine.

Pee in a pot by the bed. I do that
anyway.

You'll be dead by the time you're
40.

Oh. There's always a catch.

Listen, I know it's tough, but you
gotta say no to her cakes.

Go cold turkey before it ruins you.

Believe it or not, I was once the
fittest guy in my platoon.

I had a six-pack and everything. You
were a solider?

Commanding centurion in the Third
Legion. Third Legion.

Don't suppose you ever served with
someone called Hector by any chance?

Yeah I did, actually.

Maybe he is a war hero. Hero? Are
you pulling my plonker?

Er, no. Not deliberately. He's a
total coward.

He nearly got us all killed in
Philippi.

Came out of formation and let the
bloody enemy in

while he crawled off under his
shield, the prick.

And I'd say that right to his shit
face if I ever got the chance.

Huh. Interesting.

And then she worked her way up my
rear thigh.

Checking for concealed weapons, yes.

Up to the bum zone and anus area,

giving me a firm probe and then a
thumb up.

Sorry. Do you mean she gave you the
thumbs-up? Or -

No. I mean she placed her
thumb...up.

Oh, for Jove's sake. I'm not a
trained security guard.

If the company
refused to hire people,

then I have to take
things into my own hands.

Can you show us on the dolly where
she touched you? Yes.

Right. OK.

We now have Stylax Eurysaces to
testify.

All right? In your own time, Stylax,
tell us what happened, please.

Flavia started patting me down on my
arms, legs, nipples and stuff.

Yes. Rightly so. Then she began to
work the frontal groin.

Poking it about a bit. Poking it
how?

Like you might if you were checking
a mango to see if it's ripe.

A mango? Hardly.

Can you show us on the dolly? Oh,
yeah.

Oh, not really. The goolies are a
bit small on this one.

They were too small for me as well.
For the record.

OK. Do we have a life-size model
anywhere?

Yes. I do.

I confiscated that. It's not mine.

Oh, OK. It was a bit like this.

(WHISPERING)

Because I thought it was a weapon.

OK. I think we all need a bit of a
break after that.

Let's pick it up again tomorrow,
please, people.

(WHISPERING) Oh. Boys, boys. Quick
word before you go.

OK. How much? How much for what?

To settle this right now. How much?

It's not about money, as a matter of
fact. It's about justice.

I'll give you 500 each. Oh, yeah.
OK, I'll do that.

What? No! We're gonna get three
grand. We're not taking 500 now.

You're just scared you're gonna
lose. No. That is a good offer.

Well, your luck's run out this time.
Everyone's finally gonna know

that you're a sneaky old sleaze.
What? Old!?

Parry! Nose-slap! Oh!

Ooh... (WHISPERING)

Well, now. This changes things.

Apparently, the nose-slap pretty
much cancels out the groin grope,

so we've called it quits. You
nose-slammed Flavia? Bloody hell.

It was muscle memory, man. These things
remember way more than my head does.

Hi, guys. Oh, hey. Sex attack!

Roman arm-twister! Ah, no! Not a sex
attack. You're my girlfriend.

That's one of Hector's. Good, right?
Yeah. Brilliant.

Isn't Hector just great? What a great
guy.

OK. Afternoon, ladies.

Today, we're gonna learn about
frontal attacks.

When predators go for the torso. And
when I say torso, I do mean tits.

Volunteer time. Muscles, you're a
tit. Up you come.

Sure thing, Hector.

Now try and grab my nawks and I'll
demonstrate the Spartan strike.

Sure. So this is another military move?
Oh, yeah. Used this all the time.

Took out shitloads of enemy scum at
Philippi with this baby.

Wow. Amazing.
Cos I actually met someone

who fought with you at
Philippi just yesterday.

What? Really? Yeah.

I told him what you said and he had,
well, a couple of quibbles.

Well, I may not remember everything
perfectly but - Well, let's ask him.

Maximus? Oh, shit. OK -

You're not a war hero, you lying
arsehole.

You're a dirty coward. Dirty, dirty,
coward.

You make me sick. Breaking rank like
a scared little bitch

while the rest of us took the flak.

You should've killed yourself after
that. OK. That's a bit much.

You're a disgrace to the uniform and
a traitor to Rome.

While the arrows rained upon us.

While our brothers lay dying
facedown in the dirt,

you crawled off under your shield
like a fucking turtle!

You deserted us, Hector. You left
us.

And we will never, ever forgive you
for what you did!

OK. I think he got the message. What
the fuck, Marcus?

Well, he was a fraud. What were you
trying to do?

Well...yeah. Basically this.

She still won't mate with you?

But you completely destroyed the
alpha male. Sort of.

I sub-contracted out his destruction
to another, much angrier alpha male.

Ah. I guess it's not as sexy.

Apparently I trigged some sort
of post-traumatic episode

and now he won't get out of bed.
Should probably go and apologise.

Where have you been, Grumie?

I've not seen you at the stall for
days.

Oh, you know me. Busy, busy.

I made you another cake.

It's a banana, fudge, cherry, berry,
custard cake.

With frosted vanilla icing and
raisins on top.

No. You're all right.

You don't want it? No, thanks.

I'm not into your cakes anymore.
They're a bit...much.

I'm on the cold turkey now.

I see. So that's that, then?

Yes. That is very much that.

Well done, G-Man. I didn't think you
had it in you.

That's the hardest thing I've done
in my whole life.

So what's she gonna do with that?

It's very sweet of you, Marcus.
Well, I just wanted to say sorry.

And I figured he's a deserter, so he
must like dessert.

Too soon? A bit but thanks for the
cake.

Well, Agatha here made it. You're an
amazing baker, darling.

I've been on bloody health foods for
eight years. This is unbelievable.

Plenty more where that came from.

Oh. Oh.

I came, I saw, I conquered

I came, I saw, I conquered

I came, I saw, I conquered

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