All language subtitles for Plebs s03e03 Vestal.eng

How was the journey, Dad?
Marvellous.

We took the coastal road, then came in
on the bypass to avoid the traffic.

Did it in record time.
Phwoar! Three days, door to door!

Oh, I'm so excited to finally see
where you live.

Well, it's certainly got character.
I did ask Grumio to tidy up.

I didn't want to spoil the character.
I'll do it. I brought my pinny.

And give me any dirty undies to
wash. Oh, Mum, please.

How much do you pay for this place?
Not much. 250 a month.

250? You could rent a whole village
for that.

Now, then! Pressie time.
Ooh!

I've got tunics for everyone
and I've got a cardy for Stylax.

Hat for Grumio.
Are all the presents knitted?

There's damp here, look. You should
speak to your landlord. Yeah.

And a briefcase for you, Marcus. Yow!
This is wicked, Sylvia. Thank you.

Ah! There. That's cosy, isn't it?

Ooh! Right, I'll get started
on the kitchen.

Oh, no, you don't do...
Are these clean or...?

(SNIFFS)

No.

When in Rome
Do as the Romans do

Far from home

This is some sort of big Roman
palaver.

Oh, how exciting. Tell me everything
you know.

That's about it, actually.

It's the parade of the Vestal
virgins.

Not too late for you to join, eh,
Marcus?

Hilarious, Dad.
Oh, stop it.

I bet the girls are queuing up for him,
right, Marcus?

Well, yeah, not exactly.

So have you got a girlfriend, then?

Er, well...

He's got one. Lepidus, look - he's
got one.

So who is she? When can we meet her?

No, I don't... I don't have a
girlfriend. Sorry.

Oh. You will one day, soldier.

Another honey sandwich, Grumio?
Yeah. Keep them coming, Sylv.

Eh, why didn't you tell her about
your girlfriend? Why do you think?

I can't expose Delphine to that shit
storm. What? Your parents are wicked.

No. Mum would smother her with wool
and Delphine's so bloody fiery

there'd be some terrible knitwear
inferno.

Oh! Here come the virgins.

Salve, ladies.

What are you doing?
My sexy face.

Not sure your sexy face
will work on this lot.

My sexy face works on every lot.

Hello! Hi.

As if. It was probably just a
twitch.

Uh-uh. It was a cheeky little
wink from a smoking hot Vestal.

She's not going to wink at shrub-haired
wally boy in his granddad's cardy.

I know when I've been winked at,
mate.

Now I just need to work out how to
get my winky into that winker.

You keep your winky away from her.
She's a Vestal Virgin.

Maybe I'm up for a bit of
vestiality.

Oh, well, that's disgusting
and illegal. Vestiality - with a V.

Yes, that's illegal too. There are
half a million women in this city

and only six of them with whom sexual
relations are specifically forbidden.

Please just forget it.

Nobody winks at Stylax Urastaques
and gets away with it.

Nobody.

20 sesterces for an apple? An apple?

This city's out of control.
I don't know how you manage.

Something usually turns up if you
know where to look.

Grumio, I found a lump of cheese
under your bed.

There you go.
It was wrapped in a soggy towel.

Eh, eh, eh. What are you doing?

I'm throwing it out. It's covered in
mould. Look.

I'll have it. It's just a bit blue.
At least cut the blue bit off, then.

Oh, dear. Oh.

(RETCHES)

Oh! Hang about.

Mmm.

Marcus!
Delphine! Hey.

Wow! You finally got a nice tunic.
It looks good on you.

Oh. Yeah, it's... Erm... An original
piece by a rural artisan friend.

Mm. What are you doing here?
I came into town for a haircut.

I thought we could have dinner.
Oh, yeah. It looks great.

I've not had it yet, dickhead.
I meant afterwards.

Sure, yes, sorry.

Erm, I would love to but I'm really
not feeling well.

Really? You look fine.

I know. You'd have to feel my other
end. It's chock full of germs.

OK. I'm not doing that.

But I can tuck you in later on
if you want. No, best not.

The germs in question are all over
the flat and very contagious.

I'll come to yours as soon as
they're gone,

probably around eight o'clock
tomorrow night?

That's very precise.
Well, I know my body.

The blessings of Vesta.

The blessings of Vesta.

The blessings of Vesta.

The blessings of... Oh, hi.

Erm, I'm usually served by the young
sultry one,

with the cheekbones and the...

Ursula is busy now.
Oh, that's fine. I can wait.

And it doesn't matter who serves you.
You get the same fire.

Yeah, I know, I... I just prefer her
fire.

It feels a bit hotter.

Well... Thank you.

Ahem.

Hi. Ursula, is it? I'm Stylax.

You might remember me from this
morning in the crowd. You winked.

I think. Or blinked.

Or... It was a twitch, wasn't it?

Oh, I'm sorry. I just...

Come back this evening.
I'll be guarding the flame.

Alone.

Mind your fingers, by the way.

Oh!

(FRENCH ACCENT) You bought this
here? Yeah. And now it's all mouldy.

I don't do refunds. I'm sorry.
No, I'm not complaining.

The mould tastes bloody lovely.
Try it.

It's surprisingly delicious, I
assure you.

Oh, sh... Stay with it.

Stay with it.

Ah? Ah?

Right, you see?
Ah! I love it.

How did you make this?
Trade secret, I'm afraid.

If you supply the cheese,
he can make plenty more -

split the profits - what do you say?
OK.

And how do we call it?
I'm calling it blue.

Nah. I think we should call it bleu.

Personally, I prefer blue.
I much prefer bleu.

Mm. Blue.

Ah. Bleu.

Bleurgh it is, then.

(CHUCKLES)

Have a nice evening, guys.

Are you not coming for dinner?
I'd love to but I've made plans.

I'm going to the temple.
Temple? Really?

I didn't know you'd found religion,
Stylax. Neither did I.

Well, that parade got me all fired up.
I think I'm going to check it out.

Well, I'm very impressed.

Oh, don't forget your cardy. Oh, yeah.
Wouldn't want to catch a cold.

Mm.

Oh. And to think that's the boy who
used to stick raisins up his willy.

So, Ursula, what's it like,
being a Vestal Virgin?

Total sack of shit, mate.
Every day the same.

You get up, you watch the flame,
you tend the flame,

you take the flame for a walk.

Yeah, but you're really famous.
I mean, that must be wicked.

Is it fuck? No? People think being
in the V's is all glamour, right?

But it's like a prison. I've never
left Rome. I've never climbed a tree,

never been out for a greasy kebab.

No - you would regret a greasy
kebab.

I would love to regret a greasy
kebab.

So why did you join, then?
Same as everyone.

I was eight years old. I liked the
hats.

They are nice hats.

So, you want to shag me in the
cloister or what?

Er, I'm happy to do it in the
vagina, like normal.

That room there. Oh, right!

Yes, please.

Well, erm, I don't think we need
a starter.

Shall we go straight to the mains?

Let them have a starter if
they want one. We do, yeah.

Can we have a table for two, please?

Actually, I can't eat anything here.
Maybe let's go somewhere else.

What? Yeah. Somewhere a bit cheaper.
Eh, Dad? Oh, yes, all right.

No, there's plenty you can eat.
You like chicken, you like lamb,

fish if I take out the bones. You
might like lobster.

He might not. He might prefer
the soup or the omelette or...

Marcus what are you doing down
there?

All right, Delphine?
No! Grumio!

Hi, Grumio. Is that Marcus under
there by any chance?

(SIMPERS) Er, found it.

Found that pea I was looking for.

Oh! Hi, Delphine.

Fancy seeing you here.

Feeling better, then? Er, yes,
thanks.

Er, turns out I don't know my body
after all. Hmm.

So do you two know each other, then?

Yes. Erm... Delphine's my

girlfriend. What? You didn't have one
this morning.

Busy afternoon. Er, no. We've actually
been together for a while.

So why didn't you say anything?
And is this man involved?

No. I... I don't know who that is.

Oscar. Hi. Hi.

Oscar is my hairdresser.

Seeing as you were ill, I was at a
loose end.

Right. Your hair looks great, by the
way. Oh! Thanks.

Well, why don't you join us? We'll
push the two tables together.

Thank you but I think Marcus prefers
to keep things separate.

I'm in the mood for love

Are you sure you're a virgin? Cos you
seem to know what you're doing. Sh!

What was that? Oh, nothing. The
flame just went out.

What?

The sacred flame went out.
Mm. Is that going to be a problem?

The flame's gone out!
The sacred flame's gone out!

(BELL RINGS)
The flame's gone out!

The sacred flame's gone out!

Er... What do we do now?

The window. Quickly.

Oh, shit - my cardy. Leave it!
It was a present.

Leave the fucking cardy! OK.

This way, centurion.

Have you just got back?
Oh, hey.

Er, what are you doing in here?
I gave my parents my bed.

So how was temple? Yeah, good.

Yeah. How was dinner? Hideous.

Delphine was eating in the same
bloody restaurant. Phoof!

My bedroom's just over there.
Er, where's the toilet? Here.

Shit! So Delphine must have been
pretty angry, right?

Is...? Who was that? That's
Ursula, yeah. The Vestal Virgin?

Well, she's technically just a
Vestal now.

Ah! And why is she in our flat?

Well, there was a kerfuffle with
some wine and the flame going out,

which apparently is a no-no.

You put out the sacred flame
and brought a Vestal to our flat?

What's all the shouting about?
Stylax humped a Vestal Virgin.

Oh. Boom. Yeah.

No - not boom. Not boom at all.

What? Sorry. I should say,
I'm harvesting bleu.

That's no clearer, Grumio. I'm making
mouldy cheese to sell down the market.

Oh, good! So you're hiding
a runaway nun

and you're cultivating putrid
cheese while my parents are here.

Yeah. Anything else
you want to throw in?

Smear the wall with faeces?
Fill the kitchen with snakes?

Toast's done. I cut it into corners,
just how you like it.

Old school. I'm sure I've seen you
somewhere before, Ursula.

Do you work in arable farming, by
any chance?

Er, no, I'm in between jobs at the
moment.

And where did you two meet?
Actually, we met at the temple.

Oh, lovely! Have you been together
long? No, not long.

And you still introduce us and we're
not even your parents.

Marcus doesn't even... I said I was
sorry. It was so embarrassing.

Honestly, that poor girl.
I know, Mum. I'm going to apologise.

Good. Do you want me to come?
No! Of course not.

I'm a grown-up man. I can deal with
it. Yes!

Oh, you've got jam face.

I'm sorry. It's not you, it's my
parents, honestly.

Boff. No, not boff. I was just
worried you wouldn't get on.

and you can be, well, quite...
Quite what?

Quite fucking what?
Well, yeah, like this. Aggro.

I thought you were apologising.
No, I am. I'm sorry.

Look - I got you this. It's a hand-made
handbag from my artisan friend.

Thank you. It's really nice.

Hmm.

Oh, you wrote me a note.
Oh! Erm...

"For my little soldier."

Yeah. That's my nickname for you.
No, it isn't.

Just trying it out.

"Love from Mum."

Your nickname for me?
You're a cheap bastard, Marcus.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. Look...

I come from a long line of cheap
bastards.

You all right, Landlady? What's
going on here?

I'm just enjoying the show.

Some Vestal slag was having a shag
and let the flame go out. Whorr!

Yeah, I love all this celebrity sex
stuff, me.

Do they who it was yet?
No, not yet, no.

They're just getting the bricks
ready to wall 'em in with. What?

Wall them in? What does that mean? Well,
it's what it sounds like, numb-nuts.

The pair of them, the perverts, gets
bricked up inside a wall until they die

of hunger or thirst or both.

Fucking brilliant.

I've found his cardigan!
Ooh!

She's found his cardy.

Here - wall 'em in.
Wall 'em in!

Wall 'em in.

Wall 'em in!
Wall 'em in!

Wall 'em in! Wall 'em in!

Bingo.

What's the matter,
my little soldier?

You look ever so glum.
Oh, it's nothing.

It's just that bloody bleu -
it's making me wince.

Mm. It's more than just the bleu,
though, isn't it?

There's something else.
Er...

I think I've really pissed off
Delphine. Now, swearing.

You can win her round
if you like her.

Do you like her?
Well... I think...

I think I might love her.

But I've really fucked up.
Well, then - swearing again -

what are we going to do about it?

I don't know.

What do you mean, "we"?

Mum, please. This is not a good idea.

Oh, because you're doing such a
marvellous job on your own? Fair point.

Is this where she lives?
This isn't a normal house.

Delphine, hello!
What a lovely squat.

It's got such character.
Hello, Mrs Gallow.

Call me Sylvia, please.
What do you want, Marcus?

Now, it's not for me to meddle
but I want you to know

that however badly he's behaved, he's
a good boy at heart and he means well.

Mum. Well, you are. I want her to
know that.

And do you know this good boy tried
to give me the bag you made him?

What, the briefcase? Yeah, well,
it's more of a ladies' handbag, Mum.

If you didn't like it, you should
have said. Yeah, I'm sorry.

It took me days to knit that. It's a
very complicated pattern.

That aside, I still think you should
give him another chance, Delphine.

To be honest, the only reason he's
being such an idiot

is because he thinks he might love
you. Oh, Mum!

What are you doing? Well, you do. You
said you did.

Well... Did you?

Er... Go on - say it to her face.
Yeah, well, not now.

Not with my mother here telling me
to.

You should probably take him home.
Yeah.

Very nice to meet you all.

Briefly.

Come on.

And...

I don't know how to tell you this but
if they catch us, they're going to...

wall us in.
Yeah, I know.

You know? Why didn't you tell me?

It didn't really come up, did it?

You shouldn't sleep with a girl

unless you're ready to deal
with the consequences.

Oh, these are some spicy
consequences.

Only because you put the flame out.
It's never happened before.

What do you mean, before?
Ah! So you weren't a virgin.

Did I seem like a virgin? No. Not
really.

Your title was a bit misleading.
Yeah, well.

What shall we do? Well, we need
to come up with a plan.

Shall we have sex again?

Er, not the sort of plan I was
thinking but, yeah, why not?

The damage has been done. Yeah.
You can't get walled in twice, eh?

Good boy. This way.

So, how's it going with the bleu?
Oh, magnifique.

Well, I do my best. But no-one will
buy it.

What? Why not?
They say, "What is this bleu?

I don't want to buy this stinky
cheese that's covered in mould."

What about when they taste it?
They won't. They are too scared.

So we're not going to make a packet?
Eh, Grumio,

you cannot win the beauty contest
if no-one will look at your face.

I'm not sure I'd win it, anyway.

Now take it away, please. The smell
has been making me dizzy.

Oh, you're the landlord? Lovely.
Sylvia Gallow, Marcus's mum.

We're just visiting for the weekend.
Oh, are you, now?

Staying here, are you? Yes. Actually, my
husband wanted to talk to you about rent.

Well, exactly, cos guests is extra.

I think he was after a discount.
I'll put it on the tab.

(IMITATES HUNTING HORN)
Right! Let the hunt commence.

What? What hunt? There's a reward for
this missing Vestal and her fella.

I've rounded up a bit of a posse.
A Vestal's gone missing?

Oh! But we saw them only yesterday.

Popped her cherry then popped off,
apparently.

Still, couldn't have gone far.
They're very eye-catching.

Oh, well, good luck, then.
What do they look like?

Well, she's a bit of a stunner
and he's an old gipper,

judging by his dodgy cardigan that
he left behind.

Ooh. Erm...
Yes, between extra rent and this reward,

I think it's going to be a bumper
weekend for me.

Come on, lads.
(CHEERING)

I'm disappointed in you, Stylax. A
Vestal Virgin? I thought you'd grown up?

And a bloody manhunt, Sylvia.
Don't forget the manhunt.

This is very naughty, Stylax, even
for you.

This is the naughtiest thing I've
done, to be fair.

Why couldn't you just forget it?
This is a total disaster.

Well, mostly for me.
I could get walled in.

If they find her,
we'll all get walled in.

Surely me and your mother won't get
walled in? What have we done?

Let's just hide out here for a few
weeks until it blows over.

Yes, like it. Let's chill out and
work our way through the bleu.

I think I'd rather get walled in.

We need to get her out of here.
I can't go out there!

Oh, bloody Nora.
Right, everybody, think.

Lepidus, are you thinking?
I'm trying, dear. I'm trying.

Fine. I forgive you.
Oh, great. Thank you. Do come in.

But only because I like your mother.
Oh, well, I like you, too, Delphine.

Ooh-lah-lah! What is that smell?

It's bleu. You get used to it after
a couple of days.

Ah. These are for you, Sylvia,
to say thank you for the bag.

How lovely!

Not that you'd be able to smell
anything with that cheese around.

Oh! Amazing! I love you.

Oh! I've had an idea.

Mum, Dad, I need to ask a bit of a
favour.

Yes, anything, we'll do it.
How much will it cost?

Er, sorry about this.

Ach, it's better than being
walled in.

Yeah, I guess you're sort of
cheesed in.

So what are you going to do?
Dunno. Maybe do a bit of travelling.

Finally eat that greasy kebab.
Oh!

Shall I come with you? No, it's all
right, babe.

Once I'm out of the city, you're in
the clear.

Oh, no, I meant more for sexy
reasons. Oh.

For a virgin, it was one hell of a
ride.

Yeah, I can't breathe.
It's too cheesy.

Well, it was so good to meet you,
Delphine - eventually.

And do let me know your address,
sizes and favourite colour of wool.

Hold it there, please. Just going to
check your cargo.

Oh, yes, OK.
Good boy. Up you get.

Phwarr. Bloody hell. Ugh!

All right, that's clear. On you go.
Thank you very much.

And we're in the clear.

Salve, boys.
All right, Landlord.

We got them - look.
Come on, then, you perverts.

All right? Let's get 'em walled in.

(CHEERING)

Uh-huh

Do it again

Ah

Hear me calling

I came, I saw, I conquered
I came, I saw, I conquered

I came, I saw, I conquered
Then I conquered you

You gotta believe me

I came, I saw, I conquered
I came, I saw, I conquered

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