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1
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Hey, here's a question I have.
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Do I need a separate
carbon monoxide detector,
3
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:08,499
or should I just get one
of these combo jobbers?
4
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Who cares? I'm so bored.
I wanna kill myself.
5
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:12,799
Well, if we buy the wrong thing,
you won't have to kill yourself...
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- Oh my God.
- What?
7
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It's "bird bones".
8
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I haven't seen Tina out
and about in months.
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God, she's even more tinier
10
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and more birdlike than I remember.
11
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I can't believe Mark married her!
12
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Look at her hair. Not a
strand out of place.
13
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She still have that thing
14
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where she breaks her bones all the time?
15
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Mm-hmm. Yeah, but she's keepin' it tight.
16
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- Yeah.
- Body be bangin'.
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- They be bangin'.
- Shh.
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Rub your thumb on the knob and
tell me what it feels like.
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I don't like it.
20
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It feels too big in my small hands.
21
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Hey, you know what?
We're gonna keep on looking
22
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until we find a knob
that makes you feel good.
23
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All right?
24
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- Okay. Thanks, honey.
- Come here. Hey.
25
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My God, look how solicitous he is.
26
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He was never like that when we were dating!
27
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"Rub my knob." No, thank you.
28
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Oh! Inappropriate.
29
00:00:53,900 --> 00:00:56,400
And why is he shopping
for knobs with her anyway?
30
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My UPS guy, Rob Rockemoor, he told me
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that they've renovated
the inside of their house
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like three times.
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- On his cop salary?
- I know.
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'Cause you know she's not workin'...
am I right?
35
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Am I right or am I right?
36
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- Oh!
- Oh, my... shh!
37
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- Stop it
- I don't know...
38
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Emma?
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Oh, my God!
40
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- Maggie?
- Look who it is!
41
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It's Mark and Tina! Yeah!
42
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Good friends!
43
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Yes... hello!
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Meet you up there?
45
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Hi, Maggie.
46
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- Hey!
- Hi!
47
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Hi, Emma. It's nice to see you.
48
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Mark said that you're back in town.
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Yep, back home, you know,
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just helping fatty here plop out a baby.
51
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That's me.
52
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Oh, but g... look at you!
53
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You look like you just walked
out of a Hollywood salon.
54
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Just gorgeous!
55
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Not the two of us... We look like
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a couple of sister wives.
Just, you know, is it
57
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his turn or my turn or...
58
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We're all taking a turn, so...
59
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- Anyhoos...
- Maybe we should go.
60
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Yeah, but you know what?
We should all hang out
61
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some time. Oh, I don't-I don't think
62
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we necessarily have to do that.
63
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No, we definitely should.
In fact, I am not leaving
64
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until we make firm plans.
65
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Well, how about tomorrow?
66
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Um... tomorrow?
67
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That's... wow, Maggie.
68
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What do you have on the docket?
69
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Um, you know what,
70
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- that is a nice invitation...
- Yeah.
71
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- But...
- Well, then we can do brunch.
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You know what? As much as I would love
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to have you in my home where I live,
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- I have to work tomorrow.
- Oh!
75
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- Oh...
- So it's not good for me.
76
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Well, great, then it's just us girls.
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- Great!
- Great!
78
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Synced by emmasan
www.addic7ed.com
79
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I can't. Let's just get back in the car.
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We'll just tell her I have capital "D".
81
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- No one questions that.
- What? No.
82
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We are not faking diarrhea, okay?
83
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- We committed to this brunch.
- Yeah, but why would bird bones
84
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want to have brunch with
her husband's ex-girlfriend?
85
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- That's weird!
- It was your idea.
86
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,499
- No, it wasn't.
- You said, and I quote,
87
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"I'm not leaving here
until we make firm plans."
88
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Well, I must have had a petite mal seizure,
89
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'cause I don't remember that at all.
90
00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:04,600
What are we even gonna talk to her about?
91
00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:06,400
I don't know, but I gotta get my eyes
92
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:08,300
on the inside of this house,
'cause Rod says it's stunning.
93
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,500
You need to stop hanging
out with the UPS guy.
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Rod is an amazing man,
95
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and also,
he knows how to rock a brown short.
96
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Look at this place. Nobody is this perfect.
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Must be something wrong with her.
98
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,600
I tell you what, if it gets too weird,
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we're just gonna toss her
a big old bag of bird seed,
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watch her work the shell off.
101
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:25,300
Ah-cah-cah.
102
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- That's a good one, Mag.
- Oh, my God!
103
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Were you just waiting here for us?
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- Absolutely, I was.
- Are we under arrest?
105
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This is serious...
my wife is a very fragile woman, okay?
106
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She got so worked up last
night getting everything ready,
107
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- she could barely sleep.
- Why didn't you just throw
108
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- a blanket over her cage?
- Hey! Hey!
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This is exactly what I'm talking about.
110
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- What?
- You two can be mean.
111
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- Hey, nuh-uh!
- What? We're not mean.
112
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- No, we're not.
- You're mean.
113
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You're nice when you're on your own,
114
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but when you two get together,
it's just like high school.
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All hell breaks loose. I'm talking about
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gossipy girl hell where
everybody's talking about...
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Okay...
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Please, can you please talk...
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I hope that's not supposed
to be an impression of us.
120
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Unfortunately, I cannot be here
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to look out for Tina,
because I have to go to work.
122
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So please... be on your best behavior.
123
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What do you think we're gonna do...
attack her?
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It's a ladies' brunch.
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Just be nice. Be nice.
126
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Oh, my God!
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Tina, are you gonna eat any
of this delicious food
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you've prepared?
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No.
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Okay.
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Uh, Tina,
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that is a gorgeous dress.
133
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Oh! Thank you.
134
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:36,000
- Where'd you get it?
- My birthday.
135
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- This is so much fun!
- Oh!
136
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- So much fun!
- It really is.
137
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We are just...
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This is one for the
history books, for sure.
139
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This house is spectacular, Tina.
140
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Do you do all the decorating yourself?
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I do!
142
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Would you guys like a tour?
143
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- Yes, we would love a tour.
- Please. Yes.
144
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- There is nothing I'd like more.
- Yes, please.
145
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- Follow me.
- Okay.
146
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Well, um... the kitchen is
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Lux-modern meets neo-traditional
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with just a hint of the
whimsy of Giada at Home.
149
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- The counter top...
- We're just...
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oh, sorry to interrupt,
151
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but it's so clean and pristine in here.
152
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Where... where do you keep,
like, your junk and stuff?
153
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I don't understand.
154
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You know, like your old batteries
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or Bed Bath & Beyond coupons
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or those keys that you're like,
"what is this for?"
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- Oh! My junk.
- Yeah.
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Okay, now, do not judge me, please.
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Oh, no, we won't.
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Oh, embarrassing.
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- See, Emma, there it is.
- Yeah.
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Let's put that away.
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Ooh, wow.
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Now,
if you will follow me into the dining area,
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I'll tell you the riveting origin story
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of my antique drexel heritage China hutch.
167
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Ooh.
168
00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:54,499
Okay, so seven of your garden
gnomes have been stolen.
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Is that correct? Yes.
170
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And do they all look like this one?
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No, sir.
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Each gnome is uniquely outfitted
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according to his or her specific
personality or occupation.
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What does this one do?
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00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:06,700
Feldspar is a veterinarian.
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That's why he has a cat in a wheelbarrow.
177
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And what is it that makes
you think that Joffrey here
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is the one that stole the other gnomes?
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He emailed me these lewd photographs.
180
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Are these gnomes wearing
eyes wide shut masks?
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Oh.
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Holy mother of God.
183
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Okay.
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Oh, gosh.
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Well, that's just a hug.
186
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That's just a sweet hug.
187
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Oh, no, it's not.
188
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It's not funny!
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Gnomes don't have orgies.
They mate for life,
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and they don't have sex for pleasure.
191
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I think that this case
is pretty open and shut.
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Joffrey, apologize to Mr. Casey,
193
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and give him back his gnomes.
194
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I didn't do it.
195
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You emailed him the pictures
from your own email address,
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and if you don't confess,
I have to open a formal investigation,
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so please tell him where the gnomes are
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- so we can all go home.
- I didn't do it.
199
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:52,700
Yes, you did, you little rat!
200
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,000
And I will not rest
201
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until Hocus, Pocus, Klondike,
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Gunther, Shasta, Excelsior, and Charles
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are returned to my care
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without harm!
205
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,900
Can you repeat those names for the record?
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Hocus. A silly man. Smokes a pipe.
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- Yeah.
- Pocus.
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00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,800
Okay, so that's one gnome?
209
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No, it's two gnomes.
They're estranged brothers.
210
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,200
And we call that our
Daisy Great Gatsby room.
211
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And as we enter the master bedroom,
212
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you'll notice that I've drawn
inspiration from the far east.
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It's a veritable pu-pu
platter of influences
214
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from many Asian cultures.
215
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:30,400
I know Mark loves his Sloppy Joes,
216
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but there is no way you're
letting him eat those
217
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in this gorgeous bed, am I right?
218
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Oh, no, he eats in bed all the time.
219
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,299
What?
220
00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:38,000
See, I just encase the "Joe"
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in a perfect little ball of bread
222
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:41,500
so there's nothing sloppy about it.
223
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It's called a Tidy Joe.
224
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,600
Wow, Tina. You are really doing it.
225
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Thank you. I try.
226
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I try to really do it.
227
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All right, you've gotta be kidding me.
228
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Oh, look at this!
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My God! It's gorgeous.
230
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Is this a double soaker tub?
231
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There is a chandelier over the tub?
232
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Honestly, I would murder like 1,000 hobos
233
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just to live in this bathroom.
234
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Well, that is the end of our tour.
235
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If you don't mind,
I'm just gonna use the bathroom.
236
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Oh, I'll use it, too.
237
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You can use the guest bathroom.
238
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,299
Oh, it's fine. I'll use this one.
239
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We pee in front of each other all the time.
240
00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:16,700
Yeah,
I've seen this more than I care to recall.
241
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She loves it.
242
00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:18,800
No, I don't, actually.
243
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Girlfriends.
244
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Okay, well, I'll just go make
us some French press coffee.
245
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- Okay, great.
- Are Fairtrade beans okay?
246
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- We prefer them.
- I love Fairtrade.
247
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- Great.
- Yeah.
248
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,200
- Yeah, the fairer the better.
- Okay.
249
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Oh, my God.
250
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Can we just take a minute to
process what is happening?
251
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When she looks at you with those dead eyes,
252
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I literally... I go... I go hollow inside.
253
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,200
But this house be bangin'.
254
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House be bangin'.
255
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,700
- I mean, look at this shower.
- Are you kidding me?
256
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,300
- There's a bench in here.
- Yeah, you know why?
257
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,300
'Cause you know Mark likes to come in here
258
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,001
while she's taking her little bird baths
259
00:08:58,100 --> 00:08:59,699
and they can do it, you know what I mean?
260
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:00,900
- Oh, yeah.
- You know what I mean?
261
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,199
- Wash under your wings, girl.
- Tweet, tweet.
262
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,481
Hey, get under your tail where
the oil duct is, ooh, yeah.
263
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:06,900
Oh, is this what you mean, papi?
264
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,000
- Is this what you mean, papi?
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
265
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,000
Hey, peck at it.
266
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,260
Peck at it, girl. Peck at it!
267
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:12,600
- Peck, peck, peck, peck.
- Use your beak.
268
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:14,100
Yeah!
269
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,400
Oh, no!
270
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,100
Turn it off! Turn it off!
271
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,000
How do you turn it off?
272
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,400
Turn it off!
273
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,800
Oh, my God, what happened?
274
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,299
- We got in your shower.
- It was just so beautiful.
275
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:34,400
We wanted to be inside of it.
276
00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:36,700
- So we are very sorry.
- And we will go.
277
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,700
Good day to you.
278
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,900
No, please stay.
279
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,200
- What?
- You want us to stay?
280
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:46,900
It's just...
so nice, having the two of you here.
281
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,400
I don't really talk about it much,
282
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,600
but I don't have a lot of girlfriends.
283
00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,400
- What?
- Really?
284
00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:54,700
Is that... Is that true?
285
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,000
I had a really bad
experience in high school
286
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:59,099
where a couple of girls...
I don't know who they are...
287
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:02,100
But they started calling me "bird bones."
288
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,599
And it made it really hard
for me to trust other women.
289
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:09,000
Well, I will tell you what,
that never got back to me.
290
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:12,099
What a... what a horrible, horrible name.
291
00:10:12,100 --> 00:10:14,700
What was it again? Bird...
bird Bo... bones?
292
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:15,799
That's a little much.
293
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,699
Oh! I almost forgot!
294
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,300
I made hors d'oeuvres.
295
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,000
Would you guys stay for a nibble?
296
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:23,600
- Yes.
- Yes, are you kidding me?
297
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:25,800
Look at this belly.
This baby is always hungry.
298
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:27,400
Okay.
299
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,999
Pardon me. Mm-hmm, okay, okay.
300
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,099
I cannot believe how nice she
is and how terrible we are.
301
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,200
Mark was right, we are horrible,
horrible people.
302
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,599
And "bird bones"?
What kind of nickname is that?
303
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,400
It's so stupid!
She's not like a bird at all!
304
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:40,400
No.
305
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:42,500
Tina?
306
00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:46,200
My eggs! My beautiful eggs!
307
00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:53,999
Are you sure we can't call you a doctor?
308
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,200
No, this kind of thing
happens all the time.
309
00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:57,700
That's why I have the splints.
310
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,600
What, you just have a supply
of splints for every body part?
311
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:03,100
Yeah,
I store them in vintage apothecary jars.
312
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,699
- Well, that's cute.
- I'm so sorry.
313
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,499
I'm really embarrassed. You should go.
314
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,600
No, Tina, please, this is all our fault.
315
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,500
Yeah, if we hadn't tracked
water all through the house,
316
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:12,500
you wouldn't have slipped.
317
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,000
It's not your fault!
318
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:16,800
It's these bones. They ruin everything.
319
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:20,000
Tina, hey, nothing's ruined, okay?
320
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,700
- We're just getting started.
- That's right.
321
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,900
Now what if I were to have Mags here
322
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,100
whip up a batch of her famous Bloody Marys?
323
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,600
I mean, I'ma make a virgin one,
324
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:29,099
'cause I got a baby growing in my ut'.
325
00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:30,299
I don't know...
326
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:33,300
I haven't had a drink since my wedding.
327
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,100
Tina, it is not a real brunch
328
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,700
unless you pour some vodka into juice.
329
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:39,800
Okay. Let's do it!
330
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,000
- All right.
- Whoo!
331
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:42,499
Point me to your paprika.
332
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:44,800
Oh, it's in my spices
of the world carousel.
333
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,000
Of course it is.
334
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,500
Joffrey, you're killing me.
335
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,700
We've wasted half a day
talking about these gnomes.
336
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,199
My therapist says I'm lashing out
337
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:54,700
because of my parents' divorce.
338
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,000
Wow. You must be
339
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,299
the only person in America
with divorced parents.
340
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,400
Oh, wait, never mind,
341
00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:02,200
that's 50% of American teens!
342
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,600
You know what your real problem is?
343
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:06,800
- You're a bozo.
- What's that supposed to mean?
344
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:10,000
It means you don't take
responsibility for your actions.
345
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:11,900
My dad left when I was a kid.
346
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,400
I did all kinds of stupid things.
347
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,000
Stupider than you.
348
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:16,500
But I got my act together,
349
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,700
because you can't let a bad
thing somebody else does
350
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,700
define your whole life.
351
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,899
Do you wanna be a full-blown bozo?
352
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:27,500
Then take me to the goddamn gnomes.
353
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:31,000
- Was that Mr. Shapiro?
- Yes.
354
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:32,200
- That was literally...
- Oh, man.
355
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:34,999
Would propose to you almost every day.
356
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:35,999
I was so jealous of you
357
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,800
that a teacher loved you.
358
00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:39,000
I just thought it was the coolest thing.
359
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:41,100
- What?
- Oh, my... Tina, what?
360
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,500
I do not remember the last time
361
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:44,899
that I have laughed this hard.
362
00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:46,500
Why have we not done this before?
363
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,599
The three of us, we could have destroyed.
364
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,300
No, I was too busy rolling
cigarettes in the bathroom.
365
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:52,400
- Wh... Tina!
- What... you...
366
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:54,300
- You smoked?
- I didn't.
367
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,899
I ran a very lucrative cigarette empire
368
00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:58,699
out of the ladies' locker room.
369
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,000
Oh, my God!
370
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:01,500
- I was really good at it.
- Of course you were.
371
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:02,999
You're good at everything.
372
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,500
All right, who wants some more?
373
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,600
Oh, please. Bird bones, can I top you off?
374
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:08,400
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
375
00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:09,400
- I don't know why I said that...
- No, it's fine.
376
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:10,999
- Honestly, it's fine.
- Tina.
377
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,300
Look at me. I am bird bones.
378
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,600
I mean,
I have apothecary jars filled with splints.
379
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:19,500
Because my body breaks all the time.
380
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,700
I'm bird bones.
381
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,400
Eek, I'm... I'm bird bones. Bird bones.
382
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:29,500
Now, honestly, whoever came up
with that nickname is genius.
383
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,700
I will tell you who that genius is.
384
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,199
- Oh, no, yeah, don't do that.
- Shut up.
385
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,899
- Who? Who?
- It's me.
386
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:37,100
- Nobody.
- I came up with the name!
387
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,800
I'm the genius.
388
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:39,900
What?
389
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,300
'Cause I was like "bird bones!"
390
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,300
- This one was all "bird bones"...
- What?
391
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:45,900
- What?
- Oh.
392
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,200
Tina...
393
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:50,099
What?
394
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,000
What's happening?
395
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:54,400
- What?
- Oh, my God.
396
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,700
- Tina.
- Tina! Oh, my God.
397
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,199
- What do I do?
- What are you doing?
398
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,300
- What?
- We were both having a laugh!
399
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,500
Okay, Joffrey, we are here.
Where are the gnomes?
400
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,400
No... Joffrey, why?
401
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:14,200
My gnomes!
402
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:15,799
I'm sorry, I've got to take this.
403
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:16,900
We'll figure this out in two seconds.
404
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,300
- Wh...
- Not a good time, Emma.
405
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,500
Mark, you were right.
You were right to be worried.
406
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,800
- Tina, come on, open the door.
- Don't you mean "bird bones"?
407
00:14:24,900 --> 00:14:26,500
Why is there yelling?
What... what is going on?
408
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,900
Over the course of one brunch,
we have managed
409
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,000
to hurt your wife both
physically and emotionally.
410
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:32,400
But I'm gonna fix it.
411
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,300
- Emma, put Tina on the phone.
- I wish that I could,
412
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,099
but it's not really possible right now.
413
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,500
Could you do something please?
414
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:38,800
What does it look like I'm doing?
415
00:14:38,900 --> 00:14:41,099
Um, could you tell me if you might have
416
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:42,860
a spare key to your
bedroom that I could use?
417
00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:44,699
Oh, my God.
418
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:46,599
Oh, my God, I can't wait any longer!
419
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,500
Mr. Casey, don't!
420
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,899
Mr. Casey! I will save you!
421
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:07,000
Joffrey, hold up!
422
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:09,400
Oh, my God!
423
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:10,400
What the hell?
424
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,600
Pregnancy strength.
425
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,300
Emma, where is Tina?
426
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:16,299
You know what, everything's great.
427
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:17,600
Thanks so much, bye-bye.
428
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,699
Leave me. Save the gnomes.
429
00:15:20,700 --> 00:15:22,299
I won't leave you.
430
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:23,600
- Okay?
- My gnomes!
431
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,599
Gnomes. Gnomes, save the gnomes.
432
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,700
Hocus-pocus doesn't like Gunther.
433
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:28,900
Keep them separate.
434
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,000
I've got his face faced the other way
435
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:31,000
so he doesn't have to look at 'em.
436
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:32,299
They're gonna hate that.
437
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:35,300
Okay, on the driving range, stop the balls!
438
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:39,199
- Oh, my God.
- What happened in here?
439
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,900
Tina?
440
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,000
Tina...
441
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,200
Whoa.
442
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,300
This was not on the tour.
443
00:15:58,100 --> 00:15:59,599
Are you happy now, huh?
444
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:00,999
Here's my junk.
445
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,100
Is that what you wanted?
446
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,700
Here's everything that's wrong with me,
all in one closet!
447
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,199
Tina, what is all this stuff?
448
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,700
It's from QVC!
449
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:14,200
I have everything that QVC sells
from 1996 to the present day.
450
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,200
I have 25 panini presses.
451
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:19,300
I don't even like hot sandwiches.
452
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,699
- Tina, why?
- I don't know.
453
00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:24,800
I was just so lonely in high school.
454
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:27,000
Then I started calling in,
455
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:28,900
and the operators were so friendly.
456
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,499
They were so nice.
457
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,600
One of them is named Yolanda.
458
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,099
Yolanda's my best friend.
459
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,699
- No, that's not true.
- Don't say that.
460
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:38,099
You don't care.
461
00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:41,100
You think that I didn't notice
all your pointed questions?
462
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,600
I'm not stupid.
463
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:46,400
You wanted to know how Mark
could be with a freak like me.
464
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,699
Okay, Tina, you're right.
465
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:53,300
I came here hoping to find
something wrong with you.
466
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,699
Because...
467
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:56,800
I'm jealous of you.
468
00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:59,299
What? No, you're not.
469
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:02,800
It's true, we are. She is. I am.
470
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,900
Yeah,
you're married to my high school boyfriend.
471
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,400
You have this beautiful
life and this dream house.
472
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:12,199
And also, p.s., your body be bangin'.
473
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,300
Really?
474
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,699
- You think my body be bangin'?
- Yes!
475
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,900
'Cause it does!
476
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,100
It does be bangin'.
477
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,800
And the only thing we could think
478
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:22,900
that was wrong with you
479
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,300
- was your weak bones.
- Yeah.
480
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,599
And that's not even your fault.
481
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:26,800
No, that's genetics.
482
00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:29,299
Yeah, or lack of dairy. Do you drink milk?
483
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,800
So, Tina, this closet,
484
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:34,699
finding out there's something
not-so-perfect about you,
485
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,299
honestly?
That's giving me back my will to live.
486
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:40,399
Don't worry. I am not perfect.
487
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:43,699
I'm not perfect at all.
488
00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:45,800
Hey, maybe we should s-slow down on those,
489
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:47,900
'cause you can't get anymore till Easter.
490
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,799
Well, they come out again at Halloween.
491
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,299
- Cadbury creme eggs?
- Cadbury screme eggs.
492
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:54,799
- Mm.
- Yeah, she knows.
493
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,100
I don't wanna do it anymore.
494
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,699
I just... I can't stop buying things.
495
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:02,100
Hey, I don't mean to brag,
but between the two of us,
496
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,899
- we have seen a ton of HGTV.
- Oh, yeah.
497
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,299
And, like, more Oprah Hoarding specials
498
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:07,600
than you can shake a stick at.
499
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,700
Yeah, you know her organizing guy,
Peter Walsh?
500
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,700
- Mm, the Australian.
- We're obsessed with him.
501
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,200
If you wanted,
we could clean this closet up in no time.
502
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,499
- Really?
- Yeah.
503
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,800
And maybe next time you
wanna buy something,
504
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:19,999
you call us up instead.
505
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:20,999
Okay.
506
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,100
- Maggie?
- Yeah?
507
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,400
Go get the garbage bags.
508
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:27,300
Oh. Start thinking about
509
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,399
what you want to give away.
510
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,099
That boy saved my life.
511
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:33,399
- All right.
- And the lives of my gnomes.
512
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:34,700
Well, actually, I saved the gnomes.
513
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,000
History will decide.
514
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:37,400
It already has.
515
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:40,500
So, uh, Joffrey, buddy, thanks.
You did a good job.
516
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:41,800
Yeah, I know.
517
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:44,100
Mr. Casey, can we consider
this case closed?
518
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,799
There are currently two women in my home
519
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,499
who may be murdering my wife,
so I need to go.
520
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:49,700
There is just one more thing.
521
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,000
- In gratitude for your bravery...
- Mm-hmm.
522
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:55,199
And your commitment to justice,
523
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,500
I would like to give you both a gnome.
524
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:58,699
You really don't need to do that.
525
00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:00,800
- I insist.
- Okay, then.
526
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,000
I will take this one with the weird pipe.
527
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,700
What about you, Joffrey?
528
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,299
Which one do you... No, Joff... what?
529
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:07,200
- See ya!
- You're stealing a golf cart?
530
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:11,400
You're being a full-blown bozo!
531
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:12,999
No, no... don't...
532
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,700
Excelsior!
533
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:15,700
No! I'm sorry.
534
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,399
- I'm...
- His little head!
535
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:21,000
Why?
536
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:22,900
- All right.
- Tina, are you comfortable?
537
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,299
- Uh...
- How are you feeling?
538
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:25,600
You're gonna be there a while.
Do you need a water?
539
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:26,700
Okay, let's just do it. Let's just do it.
540
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:27,600
Tina, do you feel like a champion?
541
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,200
I'm a champion.
542
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,799
Okay, she's a champion. All right.
543
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,699
Now, here are the rules.
544
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:34,600
We are gonna sort everything you've got
545
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:35,899
into three piles.
546
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,700
Toss, keep, and give away.
547
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,299
And all that's left to do is
choose what to start with.
548
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,699
So why don't we start with
these omelette makers?
549
00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:46,999
Oh, okay, you've got about
20 microwave omelette makers.
550
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,100
How many do you want to get rid of?
551
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,000
- 1.
- 1?
552
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:51,700
- Keep 19.
- No, no, no.
553
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,600
- Tina, you know how this works.
- Keep 19.
554
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:55,800
Stop saying that. You know how this works.
555
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:57,700
We are only keeping 1.
556
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,100
Do you wanna give the rest away?
557
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,600
No, toss 'em. If I can't have them,
558
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:01,799
I don't want anyone else to have them.
559
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,200
- Tina!
- That's rude.
560
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:04,500
Tina... I gotta tell you,
561
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:05,900
I'm liking you more and more
562
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,200
with all these rude things
coming out of your mouth.
563
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:08,699
Oh, wow, look at all these Teddy bears.
564
00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:11,099
Oh, see,
this is entirely too many Teddy bears...
565
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:12,300
No. Not my gunds.
566
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,000
- I gotta have my gunds!
- Oh, Tina...
567
00:20:14,100 --> 00:20:15,000
no!
568
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,100
- Tina!
- Oh, no!
569
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,000
Oh, I'm hurt, ow!
570
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:20,799
Oh, come on.
571
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,280
It's just a bunch of stuffed animals.
572
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:23,900
One of their hard plastic noses
573
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,400
hit a tiny bone in my wrist.
574
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:28,000
Ugh, all right,
I'm gonna go get the splints.
575
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:31,099
From the big jar. Ow.
576
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,600
You wanna nibble on this, sister?
577
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:38,300
- Ow! Hey, now.
- Sorry.
578
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:42,299
- Felt good.
- Yeah.
579
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:44,000
- Like a clean slate.
- All right.
580
00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:46,000
- Hey, how is she?
- She's great.
581
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,300
We got her propped up in the bed.
582
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,600
She's watching HGTV.
583
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:49,700
- Oh, yeah.
- Can I just ask,
584
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,100
what happened here today?
585
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,400
Nothing.
586
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:54,100
Just a typical ladies brunch.
587
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,300
Well, I don't know what you did,
588
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,199
but you two convinced Tina to show you
589
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,799
her secret Hoarder's closet.
590
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,081
- I mean, no one's ever seen that.
- Oh, it was no biggie.
591
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:02,300
We just were helping her clean it out.
592
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,500
- Yeah.
- Really?
593
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:04,599
And she was just perfectly okay with that?
594
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:05,900
- Uh-huh.
- And right now,
595
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,200
you're not gonna make any comments
596
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,599
about she tried to peck
your eyes out or anything?
597
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,900
No, you know what, Tina's pretty great.
598
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,000
Mm-hmm.
599
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:13,799
I totally get why you're together.
600
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,000
Why are you two being
so nice to me right now?
601
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:17,700
I feel very uncomfortable.
602
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:20,400
Please make a snide comment about my life.
603
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:21,800
I won't. I won't do it.
604
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:24,800
Mags, our work here is done.
605
00:21:24,900 --> 00:21:26,600
- Okay, uh, wait, guys.
- Take care, buddy.
606
00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:28,700
Guys? Why are you wearing our bathrobes?
607
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,300
- Bye now.
- It's a nice weave
608
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:31,800
- is what it is, yeah.
- It is a good weave.
609
00:21:31,900 --> 00:21:34,300
Give me back our robes!
610
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,500
Bye!
611
00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:41,100
I feel like the Mary Poppins of trash.
612
00:21:41,150 --> 00:21:45,700
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