All language subtitles for Party Down s02e02 Auction.eng

Hey, you ever read that sci-fi novel
"Snow Crash"?

- Have I ever read "Snow Crash"?
- Yeah.

Yeah, like for the 10th time

as I was waiting for Neil Stephenson
to sign my copy.

Okay, so then you know
the character of Vitaly Chernobyl.

Um, front man for
Vitaly Chernobyl and the Meltdowns,

pioneer of the Ukrainian
nuclear fuzz-grunge movement,

all-around badass?
Yes, I know Vitaly Chernobyl.

All right, well,
they're making it into a movie.

That's the part
I'm going out for.

- No.
- Hell yeah.

So you gotta help me with,
like, the take on the character.

- Fuck no.
- Why not?

Vitaly Chernobyl
is fucking awesome.

You're so wrong.
That'd be like if in "Aliens"

they had cast Kate Hudson
to play Ripley.

I would root
for the fucking aliens.

Okay, you know what?
You want to be Turtle of my "Entourage"?

You gotta start
being nicer to me.

Fuck that.
Fuck "Entourage. "

And I'd be E.
You'd be Turtle.

Kyle:
I'm the Vince, man.

Now get my car.
And I'll let you fuck my leftovers.

Henry, would you like me
to put this stemware

in the prep tent?

Oh, 20 minutes late.

Are you gonna write him up,
boss man?

Don't think I won't.
I have a very complex demerit system.

Does the new guy
have a daughter too?

Get up here.

Oh.

Yeah, they're very close.

Ugh.

Okay, Kyle, you take
the south lawn bar.

I'll take the north, okay?

Ron, you and Casey
will serve.

And Lydia, you and Roman
will handle the prep work, okay?

- But, Henry, I...
- O Captain! My Captain!

- Bro, that's gross.
- Ron, what do you need?

Are we gonna put out
the tip jars tonight?

There's tip jars?
We get tips?

Not since Henry took over.

I'm just saying I worked
a bunch of these school auctions

and people just want
to show off, you know.

So they wave around
their Lincolns and their Hamiltons like,

"Look at me! Look at me!
I own a hotel on Park Place. "

Yeah, Ron, you're right...
tip jar, you know?

Tip jar! Tip jar!

- Tip jar! Tip jar! Tip jar!
- Okay, no.

We are not putting out
the tip jar.

We're just gonna go with guarantees.
Is there anything else?

- Tip jar.
- Ron: Yeah, what do I know?

I've only been doing this for,
like, eight years. What do I know?

What's that?

- I can't hear you.
- Can I see you outside for a second?

Sure.

What's up, Ron?

- See what I just did?
- What?

I'm modeling
managerial behavior.

I removed the actor
from the audience, Henry, okay?

See, when people are acting up,
you deprive them

of the oxygen
that fuels the fire.

Yeah, but Ron, you were the actor
in this scenario, so I...

Okay, take my advice or don't.
Put out the tip jar or don't.

- Your call, Henry, really.
- Okay.

But you're gonna be killing
yourself trying to be their friend.

- It's better that they respect you.
- Okay, let's see here...

Um, hey Ron,

those are some pretty vile
pit stains you've got there.

Why don't you put on
a windbreaker from the van

so the guests don't puke?

Oh, and also if you're fucking
20 minutes late again,

don't bother showing up.

Um, something like that?

Man: Hey, how are you doing?

- Good to see you.
- Man 2: You too.

Woman:
Did you bring your checkbook?

Man: Right here
in my back pocket.

"Uncanny X-Men" 4?

Holy shit.

So was there like
an exact moment

when you knew that you were
gonna quit acting?

Yeah, I guess when I saw my picture
next to Joe Isuzu

in a "TV Guide:
Where Are They Now?" thing

I was pretty sure
it was the only honorable path.

Why?

I auditioned
for this Apatow movie today.

That's great.
Why do you sound

like you're considering
early retirement?

I'm just like sitting there
in the waiting room

and there's all these girls

and they all look
exactly like me

and I know that they're thinking
the exact same thing that I'm thinking.

And it was crazy.
It was just like

this flash
of insignificance.

So how did it go?

Well, they laughed, so...

Well, that's good.

It's just this one scene,
but it's so good.

I don't want to put
too much stock in it,

but I sort of feel like
if I get this,

it'll pretty much validate
every single decision

I have ever made
in my entire life

that led me
to this very moment.

Wow. Well, it's good
to put all of your eggs in one place

where you can really
keep your eye on them.

Maybe you could keep that
on silent.

These are my thick pants,
so I can't feel the vibration.

- All right.
- Hello.

Well, what's the audition for?

No, I can't go to Anaheim

because I have
the Sunday Groundlings show.

Yeah, fine.

Okay, just will you send me
the breakdown?

Okay, thanks.

If you're finished
with your phone call,

I was hoping I could bother you
for a glass of wine.

Is that a Chardonnay
or a Riesling you have there?

White wine.

Didn't I say,
"Go with Valhalla"?

You did, Mrs. Doyle.

You get what you pay for,
Miss LeGros.

You're right as usual,
Mrs. Doyle.

I apologize.

I'm so sorry.
She can be a little...

Cunty?

Yeah, that's the word... cunty.

Unfortunately, she's the one
who's gonna write

a letter of recommendation
for my son,

so I have to kiss her ass
until it's done.

So Groundlings?

- I used to be in Groundlings.
- No way.

Make it nice levels for you
so everybody can hear you.

- I need that higher though.
- How's that?

My God.

I can bring it lower.

LeGros: This is all you need to know
about Los Angeles schools, all right?

There are 300 kindergarten slots
in top quality schools,

50,000 parents battling it out
to get their kids in.

But your kid gets into
a top elementary,

then they go to Harvard-Westlake
or Brentwood...

a straight shot
to Yale or Stanford.

How do you get into one of these
top quality schools?

Three ways, okay?
You can be absurdly wealthy,

you can be famous
or you can take my path

where you volunteer to run
the pre-school silent auction,

which is why I have officially retired
from the comedy community.

And here I am,
taking seriously

the shit I used to
make fun of.

I have spent
a year of my life

busting my ass
mom-wrangling.

And today the director says
if we don't meet our goal,

there's no letter
of recommendation.

- No.
- Janice Werkhoven.

What is that?

It is a wine and cheese basket
from Greenblatt's,

some top flight bottles in here,
a couple of...

Yeah, I thought you were putting up
cooking lessons with Wolfgang Puck.

Yeah, that kind of
fell through.

At least look me in the eye
when you're fucking me.

Oh, but why would you
worry, right?

Of course those star-fuckers
at Penhall Academy

are gonna take
your kid, right?

'Cause your husband's movie
opened huge.

You don't carpool with her,
do you?

Hello and welcome
to the Precious Lights silent auction.

I'm Mrs. Doyle,
the director of Precious Lights.

The auction closes
at 6:00 P.M. Sharp,

at which time
I expect to see our total

above the $250,000...

Mark.

Man:
Like Eric Bana in "Troy. "

- Yeah yeah, super tough, right?
- "Grr, I'm Hector. "

- And then the guy...
- Hey, so I thought about it

and you might not totally suck
as Vitaly Chernobyl.

So if you want me to help you
work on character development...

Oh, you know what?
Got it taken care of.

See, Lane here is a huge
"Snow Crash" fan.

Yeah yeah, we've been
breaking it down a little bit.

I think I'm gonna play it
kind of like Pitt from "12 Monkeys"...

- unhinged, you know?
- A touch of "Magnolia" Cruise.

- Yeah.
- All testosterone and great big balls

- just dragging in the dirt.
- Love it. Grr!

Sounds like you guys
got it covered.

We got it.
It's good.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Thanks, buddy.

Thank you.

What's up?

Lend me 80 bucks.

Why?

Some dipshit is auctioning off
"Uncanny X-Men" 4.

Right now the bid's at $75.
It's worth at least four times that.

Oh okay, so that's why
all of a sudden

I'm an awesome
Vitality Chernobyl.

I said you might not
totally suck.

That's all you got, really,

to sweet-talk me out of the stack
of 20s in my wallet?

That's it?
Dude, you're a terrible actor.

- That's horrible.
- Look who's fucking talking.

What?

You're not even an actor.
You're a haircut.

What does that even mean?

You know the difference between you
and James Van Der Beek's parrot?

- No.
- The parrot can deliver a line.

Whatever high-school
drama coach

filled the void between your ears
with big ideas

probably just wanted to give
the little Kyle a couple tugs.

He had no idea
he was creating a monster,

a fucking can't-act Creature
from the No-Talent Lagoon.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That was...
I was just fucking with you.

Shut the fuck up, man.

I'm probably just jealous,

you know, that you might
get a part in that movie.

I didn't mean it.

Argh!

Just a haircut, huh?

Fuck you, bitch.
You just took the master class.

Fool!

Good one.

Can I get that 80 bucks?

What is wrong
with your people?

They're vulgar.

They're drinking on the job,
taking personal phone calls.

And you've got one out there
with whom I think you need to have

a frank talk
about personal hygiene.

Do you know which one
I'm talking about?

I do.

Good.
Then handle it.

Okay.

Milady, you have a very nice day.

Thanks, Roman.
That was helpful.

Word up.

Ugh.

That's just gross.

That's just gross.

Oh, hey boss.

Hey.

Okay, what is this?
What are you doing?

- I'm you, Henry.
- You're me?

This job is beneath me,
so I mope around

and I pop pills and I drink
and I have sex with my coworkers.

Okay, so you stole
my Vicodin.

Was it stealing at all those parties
when you would drink the hosts' booze?

Probably.

Was it stealing when you used to
smoke my weed?

Oh, you mean when you would pass me
a joint and tell me not to be a pussy?

I don't think that qualifies.
Now look, Ron...

You didn't make it easy for me
when I was topping out, Henry, okay?

So what's good for the goose
is good for the gander.

Um, that actually means that the same
rules should apply for men and women.

I'm a man, Henry.

Ron, you asked me
for this job.

Yeah, and who'd have thunk...
you on top of the world

and me working for you, huh?

That's like "Trading Places. "
I'm Dan Aykroyd and you're Eddie Money.

- Eddie Money?
- And Mandy is my Jamie Lee Curtis.

She saved me
from being a bum.

And Uda... Uda is your
black lady in the bikini.

- It doesn't matter.
- Yeah, at the end of the movie

with Billy Ray Valentine,
he's in the hot tub

- and the black lady with the bikini...
- Ron, it's not "Trading Places. "

You're not Dan Aykroyd.
I'm not Eddie Murphy.

I'm definitely not Eddie Money.
Just take the windbreaker

and put it on this time, okay?
We're getting complaints.

I'm Dan Aykroyd.

You're not Dan Aykroyd.

Says Eddie Murphy.

Tell that fucking prick
two hit shows in five years

is enough to get
most guys fired.

He must really be sucking the shit
out of Mickey's little rodent cock

over there at Mauschwitz.
Scotch rocks.

If he wants the TV rights,

he's gonna have to work
some of that magic on my ball sack.

Yeah, tell him to bring kneepads
and an appetite for man juice.

Let's go.

It's not a fucking soufflé.
It's, you know, ice and scotch.

The Eastons are auctioning
their Sun Valley cabin

for a week this summer.

Summer?

What the fuck do people do
in Idaho in the summer?

What, do they wait
for the Rapture,

hoard food,
practice goose-stepping?

- What the hell are we auctioning?
- Lunch with Tom Hanks.

Oh, don't die, Leonard.

We're in the final year
of my prenup.

When we met you said
you and Tom are close.

I was trying to get into
your pants.

Hanks hasn't talked to me since I put
him in "Turner &" fucking "Hooch. "

- I can't make a lunch happen.
- Fine.

So win the auction.
It'll impress the school director.

Oh, hey, Stiltskin.

Your Edgar Allan Poe movie
sucked ass.

$350 million worldwide there,
four eyes.

Why don't you get me a little
fucking umbrella for my cocktail

before they call you back to the set
of "The Big Bang Theory"?

I mean, come on,
Channing Tatum as young Lincoln?

Are you shitting me?

You could have had Henry here
at scale.

- Just...
- Tell you this...

"Sweet 16," the fucking
"Are we having fun yet?" guy.

All right, I'll tell you what, Henry:
Take off your shirt.

If you got abs like Channing Tatum,
I'll make you a big fucking star.

Okay?

See, this is a business,
you fucking idiots.

Check out my wife here.
Her nipples got hard

just at the combination of the two words
"Channing" and "Tatum. "

Fuck you, Leonard.

God damn.
Honey, it's a compliment.

I trust those nips of yours
more than any focus group.

- Casey.
- Yeah?

Casey, how much do you think
I could get

for a 1998 Grand Marquis?

Why are you asking me that?

Ragtop, fully loaded.
It has air, power windows.

Every Saturday was
"The Uncle Fuzzy Show. "

All the birthday kids
got to reach into the fun tub

and pick out their present.

And then Uncle Fuzzy himself
would give them a tickle.

- Wait...
- Creepy.

So when my birthday
was coming around,

I took a Polaroid of myself.
I put it in an envelope

and I gave it to my mom
to mail.

Six months later I opened up
the glove compartment in my mom's car

and guess what I found.

My envelope for Uncle Fuzzy.

And when I asked my mom
why she had never mailed it to him,

she said, "Why waste
a perfectly good stamp?"

Sorry. I don't mean
to be a buzzkill,

but we're kind of getting the evil eye
from the people running the party.

Hey listen, Comrade Stalin,

we're kind of in the middle of
a big decision here.

I made a promise to myself

that I would support

my daughter Escapade's dreams.

Tom Hanks

would love Escapade.

I'm gonna do it.

And I'm gonna sell that Grand Marquis
to pay off the bill.

You're not gonna get a grand
for that shitbox.

I think you need to set the bar
a little bit lower.

You're never gonna
get Hanks.

R Kelly maybe,
if he's available.

Oh, get away from my "X-Men,"
old man.

Okay, wait a second.
Bidding on the Hanks lunch?

No, don't do that, Lydia.
That's a waste of time.

- A waste of time?
- Yeah.

- A waste of a stamp?
- Ooh.

- I don't know...
- Pack on 50 Ibs

and work a Virginia Slim
in each hand,

and you could be my mom.

No, Lydia,
I just heard Stiltskin say

that he can't make
the Hanks lunch happen,

so he's gonna outbid anyone
who tries to win it.

Do you even remember
what it was like to have a dream?

I'm gonna be in the tent
melon-balling

with one hand.

I wanted to ask you if you could
maybe stay off your phone

for the remainder of the event.
That'd be terrific.

Listen, didn't we always
used to say

that they don't pay us enough
to give a shit about any of this?

But as team leader,
they kind of do.

And I'm kind of used to
the health insurance, Casey, you know?

And I was able to move out
of my studio apartment

- into a one bedroom with a view, okay?
- Wow.

It's a view of a Taco Bell,
but still it's a view.

- Fine, I will stay off the phone.
- Great.

- Thanks. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Bruce, I just got the breakdown
that you sent me

for the perky suburban mom
minivan commercial thing.

It's a joke, right?

Because I'm not
mom material, man.

I'm acerbic 20-something,
you know?

I'm a funny but fuckable waitress.

No.

Fucking shit.

God. Fucking fuck fuck fuck.

Hey there, sport.

- Hey.
- Want some help?

I just...
I haven't done that in a while.

- Sure. Yeah.
- Great.

Oh, you know what?
No, I can't do that.

- Okay.
- Every time I steal a cigarette,

my son tells me
I smell like Grandpa...

my son, who is gonna have to
put himself through trade school

sucking off truck drivers

because we're $30,000 short

and there's 40 minutes left.

Why are you staring at me?

I'm actually just having
this crazy revelation.

I just told my agent
that I can't play a suburban mom,

but then I look at you

and this whole
verge-of-hysteria thing...

that's... I can do that.
I can totally do that.

Yeah. Wow, auditions.

I do not miss that.

They're awful.

Sitting in a casting room
with a dozen women

that look exactly like you

who would murder each other
to get a couple lines on "Becker";

waiting around.
"Oh, you didn't get the part.

You were too funny. "
"You're not funny enough. "

"Oh, you're too tall. "
"You're too cold. " "You're too... "

I've gotten "too Jewy" before.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And I was reading for
"The Diary of Anne Frank," so...

- Mysterious, yeah.
... I found that a little confusing.

You know what? Seriously,
I would much rather

just be shooting hoops
in the driveway with Sam.

I don't know
how you do it.

Doyle: The auction ends
in 30 minutes... 30 minutes.

LeGros: I'm so fucked.

Hey, how much money did you say
you needed to reach your goal?

No, listen to me: Third wife... no kids.
You put your foot down on that.

Okay, well, my plan only calls
for two wives.

Yes, see, the first one...
a crazy Vegas wedding,

someone more famous than me,
you know, gets me in the tabloids...

I don't know, Lohan,
maybe an Olsen twin.

Shit, I'm gonna...

Someone outbid you,
Leonard.

Jesus Christ on a fuckstick!
I bet 20 come-sucking grand!

What kind of retarded starfucker
outbid me?

Tom's an icon.
This is LA.

People have
disposable income.

You once told me you'd drink
two pints of ape sperm

to play Pebble Beach
with Tiger Woods.

Yeah, but that's sports.
Sports are cool.

Tom Hanks is a grown man
who wears eyeliner

and plays make-believe.
It's faggy.

Fuck, what's the new bid?

40.

40 grand?
Another fucking 20 grand? Jesus!

Would you prefer eight years
of driving to the Valley

for every school function?

Maybe you could just call Tom
and beg.

Hey, this is your fault. And I'm firing
your fucking tennis coach, okay?

You can find somebody
who'll fuck you for free.

He's a Pilates instructor.

Dick.

Vodka, Red Bull.

Oh shit.

That was awkward.

What was?

Yeah, you remember us
hooking up.

I don't remember
us hooking up.

Oh um,

well, we did.

Sounds like it was awesome.

Doyle:
Hello, moms and dads.

This is your last chance
to put in your bid.

Casey: I'm telling you
I have inside information.

This is definitely
going to work.

- This is so dumb.
- Doyle: Is someone on the clock?

Not only won't I get
a letter of recommendation,

but now I'm on the hook
for $40,000.

- I'm so fucked.
- Guests: 18, 17,

- 16, 15...
- Oh my God.

- 14, 13...
- Move.

- Hey, look. Look.
- 12, 11...

10, nine, eight...

Oh, I think Sammy
maybe just got into Stanford.

...five, four...
- Here you go.

...three, two, one!

Shh shh!

Moms and dads,
I have some very good news.

We have just reached
our fundraising total!

I would like to say
a very special thank you

to our auction chairwoman

Miss Annie LeGros!

Come on up here.

Ooh. See? Suburban mom...
not such a bad gig.

And don't forget, everyone,
I want you to stick around

for our Precious Lights singers.

And then he says,
"Don't do it. It's a waste of time. "

And I was like,
"Uh yeah, well,

we know you've given up
on your dreams, Henry.

But does that mean that you have to poop
on everybody else's pound cake?"

It's gone to his head...
being a team leader.

You know, he's rubbed my nose in it
ever since I got here today.

See, that's why I'm trying to give him
a taste of his own medicine...

popping pills and sulking.

Now all I gotta do
is try to convince Casey

to sneak off with me
and have sex.

Uh-oh. I don't think your little
girlfriend's gonna like that too much.

No, not really have sex with me.

See, this is what Henry and Casey
used to do when I was team leader,

and I just want him
to acknowledge the fact

that he put me
through some shit.

But I don't think
Casey is gonna go for it.

Well, would any co-worker do?

Hey, I've decided
to make a list

of reasons why
you shouldn't quit.

I'm actually only
thinking of two,

but still I think
that qualifies as a list.

I got the part
in the Apatow movie.

What?
Holy shit. Really?

I have a wardrobe fitting
on Monday.

That's great.

- Just...
- Oh, okay.

Wow, that's great.

Thank you
for making a list though.

Sure. No problem.

Hey, can I buy you a drink?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Yes, you can buy me a drink.

So Henry, you were like a big deal
at one point.

- Yeah.
- You gotta tell me what to do,

like who do I...
how do I know

which of the little people
to like totally crush?

Oh, it's just totally random. You just
start arbitrarily fucking people over.

Cool. I can do that.

Wow, is somebody slaughtering
a water buffalo in there?

I'm pretty sure
this is for my benefit.

- Ron: What do you feel, woman?
- Lydia: I feel daddy dick.

Ron: Oh, you love daddy dick,
don't you?

Wow, Ron certainly sounds like
a world-class lover.

Yeah, he has real
staying power.

Sir, I would like you
and your crew

off this property
immediately.

Come on, children.
Your supervisor will be hearing from me.

Hippity-hop, everybody,
hippity-hop.

Ron: You can't handle the truth,
the truth being the name I get!

Henry.

Yeah?

Is it too late for me
to apologize

for being an asshole
about you being the boss?

'Cause I can kind of
see now

how much of
a suck-ass job it is.

Ron?

Is that Ron?

What the shit?

Take my big fat dick.

Take my big fat dick.
Can you take it?

- Oh yeah, baby.
- Oh!

Yeah cockmaster, yeah!

Jam it in, balls too.
There's room.

Yeah now! Now that your...
everything's in there.

Hey guys.

Oh!

Did it really sound like
we were having sex?

I'm sorry, Henry. I'm sorry.
Was it something we said?

That's very funny.

Ron, Mandy just took off
in your car.

She was outside the tent
for that last bit.

Mandy! Mandy!

Well, there's a lesson
in there somewhere, right?

Hey, fuckface!
I just found out

that bitch that was bidding against me
was some flat-broke divorcée.

You fucked me, didn't you?
You know you cost me 20 grand?

All right, here's a promise,
you fucking has-been, never-was:

You'll never work
in this town again.

I know.

Lydia, what happened
to your arm?

Oh, Henry, it's so sweet of you
to notice.

It's Escapade.

We were working on our
trust falls

and I guess it was kind of silly of me
to expect a 14-year-old

to be able to catch
my dead weight.

Trust falls?

Lydia:
Oh, you live and learn.

Hey, so did you get it?

Oh yeah, man.

Right here...
"Uncanny X-Men" número cuatro.

- $300, right?
- Yeah.

Oh nice.

Lane: So 20, 30...

Kyle: I got 20 here.

I told you so.

- Kyle: 50...
- Lane: I'm gonna make a pile here.

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