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1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:03,040
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
2
00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:06,680
Ow! What part of "ow"
didn't you understand?
3
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:07,720
You didn't say stop!
4
00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:10,320
"Ow" is the equivalent of stop,
isn't it, clearly?
5
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,200
Clearly, you have to be
more specific.
6
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:14,280
Mum! Yes, Ben?
7
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,080
Shall I start putting up
these balloons?
8
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:18,680
Yeah, all right,
but no inhaling the helium!
9
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,560
SQUEAKY VOICE: Inhaling the what?
Ben! Oh, Ben...
10
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:24,200
It's an inert gas, it's harmless.
You definitely said "left"!
11
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:26,280
I meant MY left.
You didn't say "my left".
12
00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,880
Why would I say left from someone
else's perspective? That would be madness.
13
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,680
Why isn't Karen helping?
She's installed in her bedroom.
14
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:34,200
I'm going to text her
and get her down.
15
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,200
That's what I hate about texting,
16
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:40,280
it's destroying the ancient
craft of shouting up the stairs.
17
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,440
What is this? That's mulled wine.
18
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,320
It's great for winter parties
19
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,480
and it fills the house
with this lovely smell.
20
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,960
Yeah, and then you have to drink it.
21
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,480
Ben, don't eat
the cocktail sausages.
22
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:55,040
Don't put it back! Argh! Ow!
23
00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:58,000
You said "right a bit"!
Yes - a bit!
24
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,160
That was definitely a bit.
A bit is far less that that.
25
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,240
No, less than that would be a tad.
26
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,640
I think I've done my metatarsal.
27
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,840
When I was young, we didn't have
metatarsals. Just bones.
28
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,920
Why have we got to move
this stupid thing anyway?
29
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,680
Because we need to create space
in the living room
30
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,360
for people to circulate.
31
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,440
Do you think it could do with
more decoration?
32
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:19,920
Erm... God, I know that "erm".
33
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,120
Well...
34
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:27,200
I know that "well" as well.
Look, it's festive and Christmassy.
35
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,160
What is Christmassy about that?
36
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,720
It looks like a loyalist estate.
37
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,840
Well, I had some bunting
left over from the Jubilee.
38
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,240
It's...feelgood
and twenty-twelve-y.
39
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:45,840
Twenty-twelve-y? Yes. It will revive
the happy memories of the glorious
40
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:50,440
summer of sport. The Olympics,
Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah,
41
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:56,200
Andy Murray, the Paralympics,
everybody booing George Osborne.
42
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,720
It makes you feel good
just thinking about it.
43
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,120
I've worked out the party games.
PHONE BEEPS
44
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:04,600
I've put Ben in charge of
entertainment. Oh, God!
45
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:09,160
Charades, Kim's Game, Twenty
Questions and British Bulldog.
46
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,000
You can't play British Bulldog
at a drinks party.
47
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,360
They have to put down their drinks,
obviously.
48
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:14,760
Karen!
49
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:19,880
You do not have an "opt-out",
just get down here and muck in!
50
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,680
Can we not just leave this in here?
51
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:26,320
OK... No, no, cos people might
want to circulate in here as well.
52
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:30,680
No, take it upstairs.
Karen! Karen, have you gone deaf?
53
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,960
Left a bit... Not there!
54
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,880
HAVE YOU GONE...? Oh.
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
55
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,760
"Yes, I have." Right, missy...
56
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:42,760
Party organiser?
57
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,000
Yeah, I'm going to put it on my CV.
58
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,120
You can't just
make stuff up on your CV.
59
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,000
Yes, you can.
60
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,360
My mate Todd said
he worked as a UN peace envoy
61
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,560
and Morrisons never even checked it.
62
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,280
Karen, can you stop
texting me and...?
63
00:02:56,280 --> 00:03:03,480
Oh. Oh, no. It's another drop-out.
Hello, mate.
64
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,520
'Yeah, I'm not bad. You?'
We've lost over half our guests
65
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,240
to this winter vomiting lurgy.
66
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:10,440
Maybe we should cancel,
rather than fill our house
67
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,680
with potential carriers...
We are not cancelling.
68
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,800
It's a vicious little bug. The
Deputy Head threw up during assembly
69
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,720
and pebble-dashed half of Year 8.
This party is a chance for us
70
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,880
to reach out to get to know
our neighbours better.
71
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,280
You know the saying -
"Good fences make good neighbours."
72
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,520
Pete... Preferably
topped with razor wire...
73
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,640
Pete...
..and machine-gun turrets. Pete,
74
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:31,400
can you go easy on
the Grinch routine?
75
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,120
We've all lived in this street
for years, yet most of us
76
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,400
are on nodding terms at best.
77
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:40,520
When you think about what happened
to poor old Mr Sanderson...
78
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:48,000
Yeah... No, that was sad.
He just lay there for days
79
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,920
and nobody even knocked on his door,
80
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,680
or... You know,
this is a chance for us
81
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:57,160
to reach out to some neighbours...
So who is coming?
82
00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:00,040
Oh, you know, just...
assorted neighbours.
83
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,400
And Jane.
84
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:07,920
Jane? You invited Jane?
Yes, I did. Yes. But she can't come.
85
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:14,240
She's texted to say she's down
with the lurgy. Oh, no. Really?
86
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:17,280
Yeah, you might want to go for
another take on that one.
87
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:21,440
She sounded very low and I thought
it was only right to invite her.
88
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,880
Absolutely. Still,
she can't make it, shame.
89
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,040
Ben, have you done
that sign for the toilet door,
90
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,320
warning people about
the dodgy door handle?
91
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:36,760
Yeah, see? "Danger". And I've drawn
a funny picture as well.
92
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,200
What is it?
93
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,200
It's a toilet with teeth.
94
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:46,760
Oh, erm, Jake,
when the party starts,
95
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:49,360
you will stay and be sociable, won't
you? I'm going out with my mates.
96
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,640
But you'll stay for a while?
97
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,400
Yeah, obviously.
How long is a while?
98
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,960
An hour? I was thinking maybe
more like twenty minutes.
99
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,920
Fifty. That's still an hour, really,
isn't it?
100
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,800
Forty-five.
Thirty. No, forty-five.
101
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,080
Mum, come on. I'm already missing
the pre-lash.
102
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:07,040
Pre-lash? Yeah, you know, it's like
the lash before the main lash.
103
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,080
Forty. Thirty-five.
Thirty-eight. Done.
104
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,920
Come on! Yes, all right!
105
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,960
Careful! It's like watching
the Chuckle Brothers.
106
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,800
Ow, ow!
You need to be more specific.
107
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,320
Stop, then!
108
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,840
DOORBELL RINGS
109
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,840
Oh, first of Mum's surprise guests,
perhaps. Who could it be, I wonder?
110
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,640
Robert Mugabe? Abu Hamza?
111
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,320
Joey Barton?
112
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,360
Oh. Hi, Mum.
113
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,960
Hello, Peter.
114
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,000
It's quite cold out here.
115
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,160
Oh, sorry, come in. Come in.
116
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,680
Hi, Jake. Hi, Gran.
117
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,120
We, erm...
We weren't expecting you.
118
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,880
Well, I was just passing by
119
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:58,080
and I thought I'd drop off
the kids' presents.
120
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,680
You having a clear-out?
We're having a party.
121
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:04,200
Well, not really a party, as such,
122
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,200
it's more of a...
more of a gathering.
123
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:13,880
We would have invited you, but it's
a neighbours-only gathering.
124
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,400
For neighbours, you know.
125
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,240
Sue's trying to promote
a sense of community.
126
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:24,840
A sense of community?
Yeah, it's...twenty-twelve-y.
127
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:39,720
Why don't you join us?
128
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,800
No, thanks, really, I...
129
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:43,960
Come on, it'll be fun.
130
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,760
I've got food in the fridge
that needs eating up.
131
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,640
Well, fair enough...
Oh, come on.
132
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,480
No, really, she's got food in the
fridge that needs eating up, Sue.
133
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:52,840
Don't be silly.
134
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,720
I'm not a party person.
She's not a party person.
135
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,240
And if it's neighbours-only...
136
00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,000
You can be guest-of-honour.
Come on in. Come on!
137
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:03,680
Hello, Ben.
138
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,280
Hi, Gran. Have you ever played
British Bulldog?
139
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:09,000
So when we finally
get this upstairs,
140
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,680
where do you want us to put it?
141
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,480
Oh...erm...good qu...
142
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,400
Actually, we could put
drinks on that.
143
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:20,240
Yeah, no, sling it back in here.
This is the best place to put it.
144
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,640
I can think of a better place
to put it.
145
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,520
Our so-called leaders
are being led by the nose
146
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,600
by the so-called
Burgers of Brussels.
147
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,520
And that, my friend, is why
I am seriously considering
148
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,880
voting UKIP, because you can say
what you like about Nigel Farage,
149
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,160
but he is a man
who can survive plane crashes.
150
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,160
Can David Cameron do that?
151
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,160
Did you tell Dad that Norris
was coming?
152
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:49,720
Do you know, it slipped my mind.
153
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,000
Well, I couldn't
leave him out, could I?
154
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,200
He's a neighbour. And anyway, Dad
seems to be coping perfectly well.
155
00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,080
Because some Euro-bureaucrat
dictating the shape of my bananas
156
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,840
is quite frankly bananas!
157
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,360
I've said this so many times,
haven't I, Mary?
158
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,200
Yes. Yes, he has.
159
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:10,400
Hey, everyone, this is Ray.
Ray, here's your badge.
160
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:15,240
Obviously, you know my dad,
and...have you met Norris?
161
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,680
Yes. Yes, I have.
And this is...
162
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,760
Mary, my wife Mary. Tatiana, our
next door neighbour, although she
163
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:25,400
spends so much time in our kitchen,
I'm thinking of charging her rent!
164
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:30,280
She's Russian.
But don't worry, she's not Mafia.
165
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,440
If I was Mafia,
I get someone to kill you.
166
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,400
Bang! Agh!
167
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,160
Bang! Bang! Bang! Good shot.
168
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:46,720
Bang! Bang! Bang, bang, bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang!
169
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,800
Top-ups, anyone?
Yeah. Top me up, topster-in-chief.
170
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,160
This is Ben. How old is Ben?
171
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,920
I'm twelve.
172
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:06,680
Twelve! He's big for his age,
isn't he? Yes.
173
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,360
Do you play rugby, Ben?
174
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,120
They asked me not to.
The parents signed a petition.
175
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:15,560
Yeah. There were
a few...injury...issues.
176
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,040
Right. Just good old-fashioned
enthusiasm, really,
177
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,320
but you know what it's like
once lawyers get involved!
178
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,640
Sue, can I, um...can I have a word?
Yeah.
179
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,720
I'm a bit worried about Mum.
180
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,440
Oh, really, why?
181
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,040
Well, she's talking to those people
182
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,560
and...she keeps laughing.
183
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,400
Laughing?
184
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:44,920
Yeah, you know, like she's
a...sociable person.
185
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:46,760
Look, see?
186
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,440
I don't like it, it's not natural.
187
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,200
How much has she had to drink?
188
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,600
I suppose she did start
a few hours before everyone else.
189
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,240
No, Sue,
she doesn't normally drink, she...
190
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:00,440
Oh, loosen up, so she's shedding
some inhibitions, that won't...
191
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,040
No, look, she's being
physically affectionate!
192
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,760
This is so weird!
We have to warn the children.
193
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:12,000
Oh, no, too late.
194
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,920
Oops, small person alert!
195
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,520
Hello there... I'm not stopping.
196
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,880
She's very pretty.
How old is she? Ten.
197
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:22,880
So, little lady of the house,
how's school, is it fun?
198
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,600
No, it's school. Karen!
199
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,040
It's a pointless question. Karen!
200
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,760
I don't mean to be rude,
but I've seen your face somewhere.
201
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,600
Oh, Ray used to be a TV weatherman.
Oh, a long, long time ago.
202
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,000
So, Raymondo,
haven't seen you out and about,
203
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,880
didn't you have one of those
breakdown thingies?
204
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,520
Norris... It's OK, Mary,
205
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,840
there's no stigma attached to
mental illness these days.
206
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,560
In fact, I believe it's quite "in".
207
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:51,800
DOORBELL RINGS
And...are you better now?
208
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,360
Oh, yes. Well, it's a process.
209
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:58,280
I'm currently engaging
with addressing the various issues
210
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,240
I have with boundaries.
211
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,320
Oh...that's nice.
212
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,600
Jane.
213
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,480
Erm...Sue said you were sick.
214
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,880
Oh, yeah, I've had this
tummy bug thing.
215
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,120
It's been... Hang on.
216
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,080
No, it's OK, false alarm.
217
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,800
You look a bit rough,
are you sure you should be out?
218
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,800
I was at home, feeling awful,
but then I thought,
219
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,800
"No, don't be so selfish, Jane.
220
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:28,640
"Sue was kind enough to invite you,
so the least you can do is make
221
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,040
"a bit of an effort." And I reckon
I'm probably not infectious now.
222
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,320
God, it's hot in here, isn't it?
223
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,120
Well, no, actually. It isn't.
224
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,400
Jane!
225
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,520
Gosh, are you sure
you should be out?
226
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,240
You just can't give in
to these things.
227
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,040
Besides, I think I'm through
the worst,
228
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,480
I haven't thrown up for
at least an hour.
229
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,040
This is Jane, everyone, who hasn't
thrown up for at least an hour.
230
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:58,280
Would you like something to drink?
Just water for me, thanks.
231
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:02,320
Oh, all right, make it a white wine,
what the hell?
232
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,680
What she's got is the norovirus.
233
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,920
It's not dangerous,
that's why it's so infectious.
234
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,800
Dangerous viruses kill too quickly,
so they kill before they can spread.
235
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,400
Evidence of this is the Spanish flu,
236
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,480
which happened just after
the First World War.
237
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,160
People would be dying mid-sentence -
they'd be like,
238
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,440
"Oh, I'm so happy
the First World War is over... Oh!"
239
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:24,360
That's our Christmas ruined. We're
all going to spend it on the toilet.
240
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,480
"I'm probably not infectious." Of
course she's infectious, look at her!
241
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,000
We might just as well have
lobbed a diseased corpse
242
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,400
into the middle of the room.
243
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,640
Don't be such a drama queen.
244
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,760
I'm not getting lumbered with her.
Eh?
245
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,920
Every Christmas, I end up being
trapped with her. OK, OK.
246
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,560
I want you to promise me that I will
not end up being trapped with her.
247
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:45,320
OK, I promise you will not
end up being trapped with her.
248
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,800
I want it in writing, Sue.
I mean it.
249
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,280
Where's a Biro?
OK, that's 38 minutes,
250
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,840
so I'm out of here. Can I come?
PHONE RINGS
251
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,600
Yo, Tommo.
252
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:57,440
All right, sick!
253
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:01,080
OK, bye, Tommo. Tommo? Tom Thomson?
Yeah, why?
254
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,240
Well, Tom Thomson, he's a bit...
Tom Thomson?
255
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,040
Oh, no, he's not back on the scene
again, is he?
256
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,600
Yeah, why?
You got a problem with him?
257
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,920
Well, no, it's just that Tom has
a history of being a bit...
258
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,280
Well, a little bit... Stupid.
259
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,240
And reckless. Based on what?
260
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,080
Based on the badger in the taxi,
261
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,960
the toy gun outside
Buckingham Palace,
262
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,680
the streaking through the mosque.
263
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,280
Oh, come on now, that was funny.
264
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,840
He's just a risky person
to be around.
265
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,360
Yeah, well, he's a good mate
and I like him.
266
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,680
And I'm not a kid any more, so don't
worry. I'll be back about two.
267
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,320
Two? 2am?
268
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:42,200
He's 17, it's like 28 in old money.
You should have said something.
269
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,880
Like what?
Have you seen the size of him?
270
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:47,520
You have to accept that we're
powerless onlookers, we are just...
271
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:51,040
And the Irishman's wife said...
Oh, God, she's telling jokes now.
272
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:54,280
I've never known her GET a joke,
let alone tell one.
273
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:58,480
Mum... Mum, do you think
maybe you should
274
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,280
ease off the mulled wine?
275
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:04,160
Yes, it is a bit sickly. Think
I'll move on to something alcoholic.
276
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:09,320
No, mulled wine is... It's wine,
that's why it's called wine.
277
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:15,160
Ooh, what's that smell?
It's the smell of fear.
278
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,480
If I was Health Secretary,
I'd simply say, none of you
279
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,200
can have new livers -
you're alcoholics, case closed,
280
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,240
clunk-click, thank you very much.
281
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,760
Oh, but alcoholism
is such a sad illness.
282
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:30,400
My boyfriend, the one before last,
he had a drink problem.
283
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:35,120
Did you know he had a drink problem
when you started going out with him?
284
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,360
No, he didn't have it
when I started going out with him.
285
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:42,080
I mean, fundamentally,
in my opinion,
286
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,880
all forms of addiction
have an emotional root...
287
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,760
No, it's OK...false alarm.
288
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:54,200
Erm...it's an emotional root
that can only be...
289
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,720
All right, everyone,
it's time for games.
290
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:12,160
All right, before we start,
is anyone allergic to nuts,
291
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,640
lactose or lizards?
292
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,960
Ah, ah. You've got to be sociable
if you want to eat the party food.
293
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,280
I was, for three minutes.
294
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,240
Actually, can you not argue
with Jane about astrology?
295
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,560
Cos it's not a fair fight.
296
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:27,680
Come on, stay and be sociable,
just to please your mum, eh?
297
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,880
Will you pay me to be sociable?
Pay you?
298
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,160
Yeah, because I was reading
that parenting book you have,
299
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,560
The Difficult
In-between Years.
300
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:40,680
it says you need to institute...
301
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:44,560
rewards, as well as penalties.
302
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,720
It says that if you don't,
we could be held back
303
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,240
"by a template of negativity."
304
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,080
It's in chapter one.
Yeah, well, I haven't read it.
305
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,240
You haven't read it?
306
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:57,520
Your mum got it after
Ben's making inappropriate remarks
307
00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:59,280
during King Lear incident.
308
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:03,280
When he puts the cloth over,
she has to remember all 20 items.
309
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,560
I know, Norris.
OK, ready, Gran, and go!
310
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,560
There's a tray!
You can't have the tray.
311
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,920
The stuff on the tray.
The tray doesn't count.
312
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,720
There's a cloth!
No! You can't have the cloth!
313
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,200
You can see the cloth.
314
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,960
How are you supposed to raise me
if you haven't done the reading?
315
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,280
You do it instinctively.
316
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,480
My mum and dad didn't have
parenting books. Exactly.
317
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:26,000
You say that you do it
instinctively, but, I mean,
318
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:30,680
would you want a doctor to remove
your appendix instinctively?
319
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,040
Of course I wouldn't...
They'd have to study
320
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,720
for ten years to become, like,
a really good doctor.
321
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,640
You can't even put in
ten minutes of reading.
322
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,640
That's enough of this.
You should be in there talking to...
323
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,240
Text me if you want me.
324
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,320
Scissors!
325
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,520
No! That doesn't count,
because he said it.
326
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,840
No! You've got to play
the game properly.
327
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,560
You all right, Pete?
328
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:57,240
Still fit and well, for the moment.
329
00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:01,360
Maybe I should be going round
ringing a bell and shouting "Leper!"
330
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,680
I'm not sure we've got a bell.
331
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,960
You think you should be eating?
332
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,360
I think food might
settle my stomach down.
333
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,480
Are you sure the best thing
is trifle?
334
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:15,360
At times like this, I think you just
have to listen to your body.
335
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:21,360
I think we're all going to end up
listening to your body.
336
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,640
See? Everyone's getting on
really well.
337
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:38,000
Yes, well, Norris's wife and
the woman who lives next door...
338
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:42,560
Tatiana. Tatiana. They seem
to be getting on very well.
339
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,480
What are you saying?
340
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,280
Well, Tatiana passed...
341
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:49,120
Mary. ..Mary in the hall
342
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:54,040
and she sort of...touched her.
343
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,680
Touched her?
344
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,960
Yes. She put her hand
on her buttock.
345
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,400
What? Like a grope?
346
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:06,320
Not a full-on grope,
but more fondle than pat.
347
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:10,280
There was squeezage.
348
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,480
"Squeezage?" You know... Oi!
349
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,480
Ooh, gone a bit early there, Pete.
350
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,680
I should wait till later,
when she's drunk.
351
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,360
But get her consent in writing,
352
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,080
you know what it's like
these days.
353
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:30,240
Oh. Welcome, Lauren from Cincinnati,
354
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:33,560
or, as I call you, Fresh Meat.
355
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:42,160
Look at your mum, enjoying herself.
It's like watching a cat bark.
356
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,720
If only we'd thought of
alcohol before.
357
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,960
You know, about 30 years ago.
358
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,040
She's hugging everyone.
Apart from me, obviously.
359
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,080
All right, Ray, are you ready?
360
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:56,080
I'm supposed to avoid situations
involving pressure.
361
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,040
Go!
362
00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,800
I don't like the look of Jane.
363
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:04,400
She's a Vesuvius full of trifle
and we're Pompeii.
364
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,920
A spoon, a teaspoon.
365
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:10,520
A small ruler, like a child's ruler.
366
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:13,480
Three, two, one.
367
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,160
Time up!
368
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,840
No! Put it back! Put it back!
369
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,160
The game is over.
370
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,280
There's a purple ball and a silver
ball... You've run out of time.
371
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:24,960
It's like watching...
372
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:29,040
It's like watching two women
trying to park at the same time.
373
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,560
They must have taken 15 minutes.
374
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,920
It'll be time to go home soon.
375
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,160
It's like watching two penguins
fighting over a fish.
376
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,080
See, this would make
a great Paralympic event
377
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:47,480
because people with no arms
would be really, really good at it.
378
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,240
They could go against
un-Paralympians.
379
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,720
It'd be a bit silly as an Olympic
event. It wouldn't be as silly as
380
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,800
that one where the old guys
make horses do line dancing.
381
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,800
What's that called again? Dressage.
382
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,240
Anyway, there won't be any
rubbish events in my Olympics.
383
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,520
You're holding an Olympics?
Yeah, later, and don't worry.
384
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:08,680
We won't be doing wheelchair rugby,
385
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,520
cos we tried it at school
with shopping trolleys
386
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,640
and it really was quite dangerous.
387
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,080
You tried it with what?
Oh, at last!
388
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,680
See, Mary,
it's not rocket science, is it?
389
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:23,160
Come on, Norris,
it's you and me now.
390
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,360
Does anybody need a fill-up?
391
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,600
Ray, you're up.
392
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:36,040
Sorry, I don't feel comfortable
having fruit under my chin.
393
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,680
Looks like it's you then, Pete.
394
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:48,000
Did you know you're in a brilliant
clip on YouTube?
395
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,920
Oh, yeah, it's the one where
me and the other weathermen
396
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,400
sang Singing In The Rain
for Children in Need?
397
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,360
Oh, yeah, that was great... No.
398
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:59,000
No, you're doing a weather forecast
and you're talking about blizzards.
399
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,920
You get in a tangle,
saying the words "cold front".
400
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,720
Instead of saying cold front,
you say "frold..."
401
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,320
We know what he said, that's...
402
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,680
Has anyone seen Mary and Tatiana?
403
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,880
Honestly, those two are always
disappearing somewhere.
404
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,720
How many people have seen this clip?
405
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,600
Oh, don't worry, Ray,
it won't be many.
406
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:21,240
5,600,000? It's gone viral.
407
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:24,320
BEEPING
408
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:29,040
There's my pinger.
Everybody, I just wanted to say...
409
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:32,120
RETCHING
410
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,880
Oh. Oh, dear.
Just wanted to say...
411
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,880
RETCHING CONTINUES
412
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,000
Oh, dear. Just wanted to say...
413
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,600
MORE RETCHING
414
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,120
OK, I'm just telling you
415
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:48,520
that the homemade sausage rolls
are ready, so enjoy!
416
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,720
You OK, Jane?
417
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,040
Well, you were right
about the trifle, Pete.
418
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:55,960
Dad, you need to check her vomit.
419
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,040
Thanks, Ben, that's very...
If there's blood, that's bad.
420
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:03,240
Ben, go downstairs
and stay downstairs.
421
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,600
Ben.
422
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:15,800
Ben, Ben, come back!
423
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:20,480
Ben, the sign should have been
on this side of the door.
424
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,320
Can I ask your advice
about something?
425
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:28,320
Yes, dear, of course. Well,
say you had a King high showing,
426
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:31,000
would you ever bluff against
a pair of threes?
427
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,840
What?
428
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,960
He told me he was a Mormon, but it
turned out he was just a bigamist.
429
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:39,640
Hello! We're locked in here!
430
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,200
Sue is so lucky to have found you.
431
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:45,200
Someone who's decent, solid,
432
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:49,320
doesn't want to establish
a global caliphate.
433
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:55,480
So, what's the latest on Omar?
434
00:22:55,480 --> 00:23:01,240
Oh, Pete, I don't really want
to talk about it.
435
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,760
Oh, right.
436
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,960
It turns out
he had a wife in Jordan.
437
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,920
Hello! Anybody there?
438
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,120
Cos you used to do that
poker online, didn't you,
439
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:13,920
when you had your addiction?
440
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,920
Well, that was really social.
441
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,880
You haven't seen my wife
and Tatiana, have you?
442
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:23,000
Sorry, no.
Aren't Mary and Tatiana gay?
443
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,760
Oh, I think so, dear.
444
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:29,280
So, would you fold or bluff?
Well, I'd fold.
445
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,560
You'd fold?
446
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:35,360
But you weren't very good though,
and you did lose a lot of money.
447
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,880
I suppose I should have wondered
about the missing hand,
448
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,160
but he said he lost it
in a guacamole blending accident.
449
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:49,360
Hello! If only I'd got my mobile.
450
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,960
Mobile! I've got mine.
451
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:57,080
Oh, no battery left.
Isn't that just like me?
452
00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,960
Well, I suppose we're all like
ourselves, or we'd be someone else.
453
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:04,680
I wish I was someone else.
Do you think I can change?
454
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,680
Jane, I'm sure you can.
455
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,800
I met this guy who said
I could change.
456
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,880
Do you know much about scientology?
457
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,040
Hello! Please!
458
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,960
Uh-oh.
459
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,560
You all right there, Ray?
Yeah, yeah.
460
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,520
This is my first social outing
461
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:31,000
since my episode, and this
is one of my coping strategies.
462
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:36,400
I'm ionising. I still have
a bit of a problem sometimes
463
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,840
with reckless behaviour issues. Oh.
464
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,880
That's how I got banned
from the bell-ringing group.
465
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,560
Hi, Mum. Jake!
466
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,600
I hope it's all right,
I just brought some mates back.
467
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,960
No, that's really nice.
I thought you'd be out,
468
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,120
you know, at one of those places
you go to.
469
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,600
Well, you know, Mum's having a
party, we're not going to beat that,
470
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,520
especially with
all the free booze.
471
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,560
Thank you for
the vote of confidence.
472
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,400
You're all out of breath.
Out of breath?
473
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,000
Oh, yeah, yeah. We're out of breath
474
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,080
cos we raced
all the way back, didn't we?
475
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:11,400
For... For... For the free booze.
476
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,120
Hello!
477
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:15,800
Why are you shouting "Hello"?
478
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,560
Karen, I need help.
479
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:19,320
You should shout "Help!"
480
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,880
Open the bloody door now!
481
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:23,600
OK, OK, keep calm.
482
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,600
It probably says that
in that parenting book
483
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:29,200
that you couldn't be bothered
to read.
484
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,960
Oh, Peter, you dirty dog!
485
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,120
Jane's been ill...
Don't worry, I won't tell Sue.
486
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,280
All right, Norris.
You OK to walk, Jane?
487
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,160
You haven't seen
Mary and Tatiana, have you?
488
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:42,600
They're probably off...elsewhere.
489
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:46,040
Oh, yes, doing those things
women do.
490
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:50,600
Yes, probably a lot of...doing that.
491
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:53,920
So lovely to see you all.
Tommo not with you?
492
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,160
Tommo. No, he had to...
He pulled a muscle.
493
00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:00,520
Oh, what, in the race? The race?
494
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,840
The race you had
to get the free booze.
495
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,880
Oh, yeah, that race, yeah.
496
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,600
Actually, it was earlier,
when we were stretching.
497
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:09,720
Oh, well, never mind.
498
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:12,160
Listen, boys, the snacks
are nearly all gone,
499
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,680
but I could make you
some sandwiches.
500
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,840
So you're Karen, then?
Can I have a look?
501
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:20,240
Haven't you ever seen
a kid's room before?
502
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,120
Me and my husband don't have kids.
503
00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:23,600
Well, I don't blame you.
504
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,120
I'm not going to.
They're a nightmare.
505
00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:28,920
Well, no, I wanted them,
but my husband didn't.
506
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,560
So how did you decide
who got to decide?
507
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:36,440
Cos that's too serious for, like,
rock, paper, scissors.
508
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:40,120
Well, I suppose
he just said "no."
509
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:43,360
Well, you must love him a lot then,
otherwise you'd have left him
510
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,240
for someone a lot nicer by now...
511
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:48,040
Well, I suppose...
512
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,160
Sorry, I'm trying to concentrate.
513
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:54,240
Oh, my God, you are trying
to kidnap a kid again.
514
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,040
Right, time to show
our cards, I think.
515
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,640
So when you promised to make sure
I didn't get trapped with Jane,
516
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:06,640
that didn't include being locked
in a bathroom
517
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,520
as she projected trifle
from every orifice.
518
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:13,520
Ah, she was sick again.
No, she wasn't just sick, Sue.
519
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,080
Oh, she was...? Yes.
520
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:19,600
So you've changed, then?
Yes. I've changed.
521
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,840
Are you suppressing a giggle?
522
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,120
Because this isn't funny.
523
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,960
No, Sue, this really isn't funny.
524
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:33,480
My mother is playing swingball.
Yes, it's round three
525
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,560
of Ben's Paralympic heptathlon.
526
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:38,680
They're only allowed
to use one arm and one leg.
527
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:39,840
Isn't that dangerous?
528
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:43,760
You should have seen
the blind archery. Eh?
529
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,160
Oh, Jake's back.
530
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,560
Yes, he came back with a group of
his mates. Decided to party with us.
531
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,480
So he came back
of his own free will?
532
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,120
Yes, it's great, isn't it?
533
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:54,960
It sort of completes
the communityness.
534
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,000
It's like old times, isn't it?
535
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,360
House full of Jake and his mates.
536
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:01,880
So they just came back
of their own free will?
537
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:03,440
Can you stop saying that?
538
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,800
Are you OK, Ray?
539
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:15,440
Yeah, this is another one of
my coping strategies.
540
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,920
Karen, I really need you
to come down and be sociable.
541
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,680
What are you doing up here anyway?
Online poker.
542
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:27,080
Poker?! You're ten!
They don't know that.
543
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:28,640
Hang on a minute.
544
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,280
It's not gambling,
because I got an email saying
545
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:33,240
I get a free �20 bet
if I register.
546
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:36,480
It is gambling, and what are
they doing sending you...?
547
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:40,240
Well, they sent you it, but I knew
you wouldn't use it, so it's OK.
548
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,000
It is not OK
to impersonate me online
549
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:46,440
and illegally play poker
against strangers.
550
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:47,680
I knew you'd say that.
551
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:50,440
Anyway, it's not even poker,
it's Texas Hold 'Em.
552
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:53,400
Texas... How do you know all this?
553
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:56,920
Because we play poker at school.
At school?!
554
00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:00,120
For matchsticks. Matchsticks,
at least you're not playing...
555
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,800
Yes, and every matchstick's
worth 10p.
556
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,440
Ben, this is getting a bit...
557
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,240
I know, but we're only playing
with one arm now,
558
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,640
cos when we played with one leg,
Gran kept falling over.
559
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,200
Well, maybe it's time to move
onto something else.
560
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:16,160
Loosen up, tight pants!
Actually, Mum, that's not what...
561
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,880
Kids are not allowed to gamble
and that is that.
562
00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:22,400
Well, Monopoly is gambling.
You have a dice and...
563
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,760
It's not the same, you don't use
real money to play Monopoly, do you?
564
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:28,600
Actually, at school, we do.
I don't want to know any more.
565
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,640
I'm going to email
that poker online company,
566
00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:34,680
and I'm going to tell them
what you've been doing illegally
567
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:38,240
and get them to cancel everything
that's happened this evening.
568
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:42,560
OK. OK. You are �183 up.
569
00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:45,600
Well...
570
00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:48,600
Just make sure you don't
do it again.
571
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:51,600
Am I right? So that's a yes?
572
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:54,640
Between you and me,
Gran was getting a bit over-excited
573
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,080
and it was kind of unsafe.
574
00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:00,840
Sorry, did you just say the word
"unsafe"?
575
00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:04,320
All right, Jane?
576
00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:06,240
Much better.
577
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:09,280
Sorry?
She's feeling much better.
578
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:14,160
Imodium...found...cabinet.
579
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,800
She took some Imodium
she found in your cabinet.
580
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,440
We don't have any Imodium.
We've just got Rennies
581
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:23,920
and some of those really strong
painkillers
582
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:25,960
for when I did my back in.
583
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,560
Jane, what colour were the pills
you took?
584
00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:33,000
SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
585
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:34,480
Nope, didn't get that one.
586
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:37,120
Your mum's playing swingball
with Ray now.
587
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:39,520
Actually, look,
we've a bit of a situation here,
588
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:41,480
Jane has taken some pills.
589
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:44,000
I feel weller than porpoises.
590
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,960
She feels weller than...
OK, Ben, got that one.
591
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,480
Jane, how many pills did you take?
592
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:55,520
Ooh, Jane. Jane?
593
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:59,480
Are you thinking Casualty? Yes.
594
00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:02,640
Are you sober enough to drive?
God, no. You? Nowhere near.
595
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:05,200
There must be someone
who can take her.
596
00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:12,640
We'll call an ambulance.
Right, I'm on it.
597
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:16,120
Oh, look out, here comes Trouble
and Strife, and Strife and Trouble.
598
00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:19,000
Where have you been?
Found somewhere to go shopping?
599
00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:23,880
Norris, me and Tatiana are lovers,
and I'm leaving you.
600
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,000
Oh, you girls,
you really crack me up.
601
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:34,200
I've been trying to pluck up
the courage,
602
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,720
but tonight, the little girl
made my mind up.
603
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:38,920
Can't keep pace, eh? Lightweights.
604
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:42,600
You're leaving me? What's she
going to come up with next?
605
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,160
Lawyers. Bang.
606
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:48,160
..Alang-a-ding-dong.
Remember, for once,
607
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:51,360
don't put the chain across
the front door!
608
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:54,640
Does he realise...? No.
609
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:57,600
Ambulance is on its way.
A very busy night, apparently,
610
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:01,040
because an office party broke into
the zoo. How's Jane, Pete?
611
00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:02,680
Pete?
612
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:08,680
Should I stop her?
613
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:10,520
You could try.
614
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:13,360
Well, that was impressively fast.
615
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:16,880
I suppose a bucket of water's
out of the question?
616
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:21,400
Good evening. Good evening.
617
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:23,360
Does a Jake Brockman live here?
618
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:25,720
Er, yes, is there a problem?
619
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,640
Is that sexual harassment?
620
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:35,400
Borderline. Oh, Gran.
621
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:40,000
Look, Ben, you talk to Jane,
make sure she stays awake, OK?
622
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,120
There is a policeman here
to speak to you.
623
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:46,960
Oh, bollocks!
Would you care to expand on that?
624
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:50,480
Yeah, well, you see,
there was this incident...
625
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:53,120
Tommo turned up with
an old bag of fireworks
626
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:56,280
and he thought it would be a laugh
if we let off this rocket.
627
00:32:56,280 --> 00:33:00,200
Only, he kind of crashed it
into the doors of...a church.
628
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:03,760
What the...?! Did anyone see this?
629
00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:07,480
Well, yeah. The people walking out
of the Carol Service saw it.
630
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,480
What?! Look, it's OK,
no-one got hurt.
631
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:12,760
I mean, the donkey panicked
a bit. Donkey?!
632
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:16,120
It's OK, he didn't have Mary on
his back, though it did run off
633
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,240
and knock over
one of the Three Wise Men,
634
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:19,400
but he was fine as well.
635
00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:21,960
Still looking for him, officer!
Won't be a second!
636
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,800
Keep awake, Jane, just making
some strong coffee.
637
00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:27,560
What's 305 times 28, Jane?
638
00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:31,080
I think she'd find that quite hard
even if she hadn't taken the pills.
639
00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:33,480
You're going to have to explain
it wasn't you,
640
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:34,640
tell him it was Tommo!
641
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:36,920
I can't do that,
that'd drop Tommo right in it,
642
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:39,480
his parents will kick him out again.
That's not...
643
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:41,920
Look, Mum, I am not ratting on
Tommo. He's a mate.
644
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,360
Try to keep her awake, Ben.
645
00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:46,080
What's your biggest fear?
Think of your biggest fear.
646
00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:49,520
Like a Count Dracula gorilla eating
a werewolf monkey or something.
647
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:51,240
Frankenstein, but he's a frog.
648
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:54,000
Think you're being chased
by owls. No-one likes owls.
649
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,200
Don't get bogged down
on the owls, Ben.
650
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,320
What's the capital of Serbia? Owls.
651
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:01,440
You say you didn't see how
the rocket got fired at the church?
652
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:04,040
No, I was...texting
653
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:06,480
Jake realises how serious this is.
654
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:09,760
Sorry, got to go,
the boundary issues have resurfaced.
655
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:14,240
Jake realises the seriousness
of this incident,
656
00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:16,760
but nobody got hurt...
Why do you say that?
657
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:19,400
The rocket started a fire
in the vestry,
658
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,720
two people have been rushed
to hospital.
659
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:23,760
I didn't see there was a fire.
660
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:26,680
You didn't wait to find out,
did you?
661
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,080
I had no idea that
that had happened.
662
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:33,480
No, well...
That's because it didn't.
663
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:37,000
But it could have done,
very easily, eh?
664
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:40,160
Well, absolutely, yes.
665
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:45,240
Are policemen allowed to
make stuff up like that?
666
00:34:45,240 --> 00:34:47,760
Yes, madam,
one of the few perks left.
667
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,960
That, and telling cabinet ministers
668
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,200
they can't take their bikes
through gates.
669
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,000
Do you know a Thomas Thompson?
670
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:56,920
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
he didn't fire the rocket.
671
00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:59,840
That's what he said
when I took his statement.
672
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:01,440
Right. He said you did it.
673
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,160
He did it!
Well, who am I to believe?
674
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:07,120
My son, cos the other boy's
a lying pillock.
675
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,800
"Lying pillock."
676
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:13,240
Stay awake, Jane! Jane, look out,
there's a bear behind you. Bah!
677
00:35:13,240 --> 00:35:15,120
What's the capital of Iceland?
Pete, the ambulance!
678
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:24,440
St Pancras International. Come!
I'm coming.
679
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:31,320
How can so few people
make such a bloody mess?!
680
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:36,200
Before you say anything,
I am very, very sorry
681
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:40,840
you had to go in the ambulance
with Jane. I was delayed with Jake.
682
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:42,960
Yeah, yeah, OK.
How did it go anyway?
683
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:45,000
Did she have to have
her stomach pumped?
684
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:48,560
No, she did that herself.
En route, quite a lot.
685
00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:51,360
Right. You've changed again.
Yes, I have.
686
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:55,520
Well, that was a lovely party.
687
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:58,240
And now, amigos,
I must hit the road.
688
00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:00,520
I think you'd best stay the night,
Sandra.
689
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:05,480
Susan, I can perfectly capably
drive myself home.
690
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:07,960
Well, no, you can't.
And why not?
691
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:10,680
Because you didn't come in your car.
692
00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:12,840
Oh, yes. Ha!
693
00:36:14,720 --> 00:36:18,400
Oh, my lovely big boy!
694
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,320
I'm very proud of you.
695
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,000
Have I ever told you that?
696
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:26,800
No, Mum.
697
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:29,640
Oh. Nighty-night.
698
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,440
Oh, sod it, red wine stain!
699
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:37,680
I'll get some salt... Salt, salt.
700
00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:41,720
You know what I miss?
Proper tall policemen.
701
00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:43,240
Red telephone boxes,
702
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:48,880
stamps that just had
the sodding Queen on them.
703
00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:51,320
Sparrows.
704
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:54,640
Do you think Norris
realises what's happened?
705
00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:57,160
I think a small part of him does.
706
00:36:57,160 --> 00:36:59,520
The part that isn't a prat.
707
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,840
I could walk him home. Oh, no.
If he's not gone in half an hour,
708
00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:05,920
I'll send Karen in to talk to him.
709
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:08,560
My party broke up his marriage.
710
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:10,720
That marriage was doomed from...
711
00:37:10,720 --> 00:37:12,920
well, the moment it involved Norris.
712
00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:16,200
You were right.
This party was a stupid idea.
713
00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:20,920
Do you know, in a weird way,
I quite enjoyed it.
714
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:25,680
Honestly? You were right,
it was fun to meet the neighbours.
715
00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:30,360
It was like a freak show.
Exactly. Hugely entertaining.
716
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:33,840
My mother told me she was proud
of me, that is a lifelong first.
717
00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:35,280
I got a ride in an ambulance.
718
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:37,520
We jumped six red lights,
it was brilliant.
719
00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,200
Yeah, Mum, the party was a laugh.
720
00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:41,800
Ah, nice try, boys,
but I know what you're doing.
721
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:43,960
You're saying all this stuff
just to make me feel better.
722
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:48,280
SQUEAKY VOICE: Of course not.
Why would we do that?
723
00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:50,040
Listen, I'm David Beckham!
724
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:52,400
We got to play some cool
party games, didn't we?
725
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:55,200
Yeah, the games were good, Ben.
You did a good job.
726
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,400
Actually, there was one game
we never got round to playing.
727
00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,560
We could play it now.
Blind football.
728
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:12,560
REINDEER GRUNTS
729
00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:15,000
And a Merry Christmas to you too.
730
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:19,160
Come on. What the...?
We're kicking that way,
731
00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:22,200
On my command, play!
732
00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:26,600
Have you thrown the ball in?
Oh, no, sorry, here you go.
733
00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:29,560
MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme
734
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:31,960
Which way am I facing?
735
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,920
Hang on, what was that?
736
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:36,840
Foul!
737
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,920
Strictly speaking,
we should each have a dog.
738
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:46,720
It's in the air!
739
00:38:46,720 --> 00:38:48,800
No, it's over here somewhere.
740
00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:52,120
Has this been
Health and Safety risk assessed?
741
00:38:52,170 --> 00:38:56,720
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