Original subtitles

No, it isn't. But it really is! I'm telling you.

And I am telling you that Top Gear is not a children's programme.

Of course it is, they blow up caravans!

That's a kids thing. It's not a children's show.

They have children's presenters. They swear and no-one swears on children's shows.

They do on Wife Swap.

Wife Swap isn't a children's programme either. Oh, come on!

No, Ben, it's not.

I mean, what do you actually recommend I watch?

What about Horrible Histories?

That's not horrible at all.

Embarrassing Bodies is horrible.

Yeah, but... That had this bloke with, like, a weird shrivelly horn

coming out the back of his head.

They had to amputate it.

It's disgusting. I'd like a horn on my head.

Not a unicorn horn, but like devil horns

or ram horns where they curl round.

Or big twizzley ones.

When did you watch Embarrassing Bodies?

The other night. It was on just after America's Top Serial Killers.

Why were you watching America's Top Serial Killers?

Because it's interesting. And why isn't it for kids?

Because it's about serial killing!

You're going to turn in to a serial killer, potentially.

So everyone who watched that show will become a murderer?

At your age you're easily influenced.

I'm not going to be influenced by some guy who killed people

because of their star sign. I find it quite stupid.

If I was going to kill someone I'd just kill them.

Oh, good. Listen, it's...

What the hell has happened

in this toilet?

It's like a urine...tsunami.

Firstly, it'd be nice if once in a while

one of the males in the household could actually use

the toilet as the toilet. Secondly...

Well, that won't be me, I sit down nowadays.

Oh, no!

It's blocked with paper!

There is a plunger in here specifically for...

Hang on, where's it gone?

You should go and help her. What?

Unblocking the toilet is something

your man should do to keep the marriage fresh.

Karen, go and get dressed, please.

Yeah, very funny.

I said, get dressed.

Karen, you are doing my head in.

I've had a very difficult week doing all the supply teaching and I am knackered.

Well, I'm knackered,

Doctor, there is no escape.

Exterminate! I've had an extremely hard week at school.

Yesterday, I got kicked out of afterschool club,

which is entirely unfair.

Maybe if you hadn't told your teacher she's got a moustache.

Well, she has. I thought maybe she hadn't noticed it.

You deliberately got yourself thrown out

so you could get back at Mum for working full time.

I've had a difficult week.

I got given four detentions. That's a lot.

Well, it is in one day, yeah.

The boys have nicknamed me 'Legend'.

Yeah, look, it's nothing to be proud of.

Karen! Will you get your hands out of my food?

All right, all right, calm down. There's no need to be so touchy.

I just want to... It's not our fault you got fired.

I did not get fired. Well, do you have your job?

Well, no. Well, then that's getting fired, isn't it?

Dad, didn't get fired, he "resigned on principle". Thank you, Ben.

What does that mean?

Well, resigning on principle is where you quit,

rather than do something that you believe is wrong.

So, if I didn't believe in my Mum

abandoning me in afterschool club, I could resign, could I?

No, no, no, no. That's something completely different.

Oh, Jake! I asked you to set off the dishwasher.

And you were supposed to wash this pan, Ben.

I washed it!

Pete, you could have supervised.

Well, it's important they learn to do it themselves, isn't it?

2011 and still Mum gets to do everything. So much for feminism.

Mr Spackman says feminism was doomed from the start.

Mr Spackman? Yeah, Biology teacher.

He says it's evolution and that women are homemakers because it's hardwired into their DNA.

Mr Spackman? Oh, yes, I remember.

The sad, bald, middle aged, bachelor

with dried egg on his tie and terrible BO. This is clean.

How clean does something have to be?

Clean clean! Come on, boys, you need to know

how to do all this stuff for later on in your life.

You might not get to marry a woman as gullible as me.

You need to be self sufficient, you need to be independent, you don't want to end up like your...

Mr Spackman.

Pete, could I have a quick word, please, now? Thank you so much.

Reckon she's got PMT.

Yeah.

What is PMT?

Close the door.

You know I said I thought that Jake was up to something? Well, there's been a development.

Yesterday, he bought a new jacket.

Hang on, I'll ring CNN. Thursday, he didn't have any money.

Suddenly, hey presto, new jacket! Something's going on.

This cleanliness obsession of hers is very bad for our health

because it means I won't get into contact with enough germs

which means my immune system will collapse,

which means, basically, she could give us AIDS.

Look, why don't you just ask him about the new jacket? I tried.

Oh, right. Jokily.

I said, "So, did you steal the money to buy the jacket?", jokily.

Right.

So, now you have a go, but steer clear of the jokey stuff because he doesn't like that.

Jake! Dishwasher!

Oh? Yeah, it's broken, it won't start.

You haven't hit the on button.

Right, that's it,

I'm giving you boys a crash course in household skills.

Let's start with the ironing.

This is an iron.

Now, the first thing

you have to remember is to take special care because it's dangerous.

This is an electrical appliance it gets very hot.

Actually, let's start with cooking.

Dad?

Yes?

When you were fired, did people gang up on you?

We've been through this, I wasn't fired... Yeah, but did they gang up on you?

Yeah, well, a bit, maybe.

Has someone been ganging up on you?

Well, yes, because

Molly said that Megan said that I was talking to Maisie

about Katrina saying bad things about Katherine to Stacey.

Right. Which isn't true, because I didn't say anything to Maisie.

She's just making it up to make me look bad to Molly.

And Megan told Tanya, because she wants to be

friends with Tanya and Molly

and then they're all on Megan's side, which isn't right.

Do you get what I'm saying?

So you're cross with...

Megan? No! Weren't you listening?

You take one egg. This is ridiculous.

You can't spend your whole life eating crisps.

Well, you can, actually, but you will die of scurvy.

And this pan, it still isn't clean enough.

Any cleaner than that and we are definitely getting AIDS.

What?

And then Katrina told Megan that she was a pig

and Megan told Miss, but, then,

Katrina told everyone it was my fault

because of what I said to Maisie.

But I didn't even say anything to Maisie.

So, now Tanya's telling everyone not to be my friend because

I can't keep a secret, which is really, really, really unfair on me.

No, you're right, sweetheart. But, you see,

girls your age...

Have you heard the word 'clique'?

No. No, well a clique is like a little

private gang, but the cliques keep on changing,

so the best thing is not to let it bother you.

You've just got to ignore it,

OK?

Do boys have cliques?

No, boys don't form cliques, they're too busy punching each other. Oh.

So these are our ingredients.

We don't need this lesson, in cooking or cleaning

because, let's face it, it's easy stuff.

Easy? Yeah. Well, it can't be that easy,

neither of you have managed it.

It's not difficult at all, Mum.

You just make it seem difficult because when

you do it you make a big song and dance about it.

Jake, that's not... Come on, Dad, I've heard you say that.

I've no idea what he means by that.

He's, erm... He's... Karen!

Get your shoes on, we're going out! Yay!

What? Well, there's no point hanging round

when there's so much male competence at hand.

Karen and I are going to have a girl's day out.

We'll be back about 5.30pm, ready to eat a nice hot meal cooked in clean,

salmonella free pans

in a lovely clean house with no urine scented floors

and a hall that doesn't resemble war torn Baghdad.

Shouldn't take you more than 20 minutes, provided you don't make a song and dance about it.

Pete, you're in charge. Bye, boys!

Well, played.

We haven't done much mother daughter stuff recently, have we?

So, we could go to the park or the zoo, whatever.

Whatever you want to do, that's what we'll do.

I'd like to go to the shopping centre.

Shopping centre?

Why on Earth do you want to go to the shopping centre?

To hang out. Right, and what does that involve?

Hanging out. Bit of shopping, bit of... Come on, Karen!

We could go to Richmond Park.

We could see if we could have a ride on the horses.

So, when you said we could go anywhere I wanted

that was just another Mummy promise, was it?

This is nice. Yeah, lovely.

We could do this every Sunday, couldn't we?

You can put the meat in, but I'm the chef.

Of course you are. You've got the hat.

I've always fancied being a chef. can I swear? No.

Can I tell everyone they're useless? No. But I can use knives?

I think I'd better supervise everything involving knives,

hot liquids or flames.

Now, we need to do some vegetables.

No, we don't. I'm a chef that thinks vegetables are a cliche.

Well, we need something green. I can make a gargantuan salad.

Salad, that is an excellent idea, no flames.

Now, next on the list is the Hoovering.

Shotgun the Hoovering!

I can do that. I can do the laundry, as well. Really?

Oh, OK. So, Jake you do

the decluttering in the hall, urine removal... Bloody hell.

Hey, that is not the attitude, OK?

Failure is not an option.

We are representing the male of the species here,

so no negativity,

no losing focus and no ringing your Mum for help.

Ben, stop sniffing the gas.

So, what's it to be? Some art stuff?

DVDs? Some books, some toys?

Some shoes.

Shoes? But you've got shoes.

Yes, but a woman can never have too many shoes.

That's what Tanya says. Ah, Tanya, eh? Yeah,

she goes shoe shopping every weekend.

Last weekend she went with Molly and Maisie and Megan

and they all bought shoes. Tanya's mum took them.

Well, good for her.

Hi there, just asking for one minute of your time to beat heart disease?

Beating heart disease sounds quite hard. Well, yes, it is...

So, it's going to take more than a minute of my time, isn't it?

Karen. Because first I need to become a heart doctor

and that's going to take at least five weeks.

Hey, Mum? Do we have any panko?

Panko? Yeah, panko.

What's it for?

I'm preparing dinner.

Does it involve flames?

No, I'm making a big salad.

Have we got any yam paste?

No, I...

Japanese sweet rice wine, preferably organic?

No. Sumac?

No. Porcini? No. Pancetta? No.

Pecorino sardo? No.

Cream frashay? Creme fraiche? Yeah.

No.

The Welsh man that does the news

always says it's the fat people that get heart...

Can I speak to your Mum? ...disease.

You should go in to the pub and tell the fat people that when their

hearts explode

it'll be your doctors that put a nice fresh healthy,

like, baboon's heart in there for them.

Baby ruby chard?

We haven't even got any adult ruby chard.

Frangelico?

No. Udon noodles?

You're using the Nigella cookbook, aren't you?

Yeah. How did you know that?

Don't bother, no-one knows what any of that stuff is.

Also, you should bring a

patient with you that has heart disease...

I don't... ...with tubes

coming out of them and looking all pale and blue

and their eyes are white, and then say,

"This is Betty, she'll die if you don't donate money".

I'm not sure that would be very good for Betty's health.

Well, then you dress someone up like Betty.

Yes, I'm not sure I'm not sure of the point...

And then... Can we just speak to your mum, maybe?

How about... You heard what Dad said,

we can't call Mum, that's an admission of failure and failure is not an option.

"Failure is not an option, Chef!", now get out of my kitchen.

'Ben, what's happening? What's going on there?'

No, everything's fine, Mum.

Do the heart doctors and stuff,

do they get all the money or do you get to keep some?

Can I just go and speak to your mum! Maybe about...

But do you get to keep some of the money?

I mean, that's a big question. Do you get the money that I give to that.

We should really wait for your mum.

Sorry, pushed for time, can't stop. No, that's fine!

Ben, everything going OK?

Yeah, Dad, everything's fine. Good lad!

Is it the Grand Prix? Yeah, it's the usual high speed procession.

I tell you what would bring the excitement back to Formula 1,

two words - zebra crossings.

Yeah! And maybe a couple of mums on the school run.

Unexpectedly stopping at the chicane.

"Oh, sorry I won't be a minute."

"Oh, sorry, just let me manoeuvre."

"I've a right to park on this corner because I have children".

Hey, what you doing?

Oh, it's just some homework.

Well, not in front of the telly.

It's just an essay, it's easy.

Well, what's it about?

The Romantic poets. And why is that easy?

There's just not much to say.

"The Romantic poets were a bunch of Emos".

They were a major movement in literature.

You can't just, sort of, diss them.

Well, you know, I like daffodils and I appreciate them

but it doesn't mean I have to go on about them the whole time.

I can think, that's a nice daffodil, and then move on with my life.

Have you any idea how long The Ancient Mariner is? But...

Coleridge got 320 verses out of some idiot who shot a bird.

Why are all these poems about shooting birds?

You can think it's rubbish, but you have to have

a coherent argument as to why. OK, well, my conclusion...

How can you come to a conclusion?

You've written a sentence! You can't have a conclusion.

I'm planning ahead! Wordsworth

had a very bland life, the most interesting thing he did

was sleep with his sister, but rather than write about...

"A very bland life"? "The most exciting thing he did was sleep with his sister"!

If that's your definition of bland.

He couldn't write about sleeping with his sister, he'd have been put in prison!

Well... He'd be in the next cell to Oscar Wilde!

But they're so nice.

I'm sorry, darling, but there are certain basic things you need

in a shoe and being able to walk is one of them.

But they're leopard print, I love leopard print.

They're not real leopard, are they?

No.

Look, we've got this lovely bag,

which is lovely. Why don't we call it a day on the shopping

and go out in to the sunshine

and away from this music which is doing my head in.

I guess I could forget about the shoes.

Good girl. I just need some lipstick.

Lipstick? You're nine!

Exactly.

Just put some effort in!

But English is pointless and it doesn't qualify you for anything.

Education isn't just about getting a job.

It should be! If you want to be a plumber

then you study Advanced Plumbing.

But to be a plumber you need, chemistry

to understand about corrosion,

physics to know all about the dynamics of water,

maths to bump up the invoice.

It is all part of the same thing.

Yeah, and then you don't need any of the poncey stuff like history.

History isn't poncey!

Look, the point is by the time I've...

Wow, that mechanic's on fire!

Well, now we're talking!

I mean, that's terrible. Poor man.

Other girls in my class wear lipstick.

Really? Yeah!

When the going home time bell rings

they sneak into the toilets and put it on.

My God!

Well, look, you've got a beautiful, natural face that you...

Yeah, well, you wouldn't understand. Well, what does that mean?

You wouldn't understand because you're one of the lucky ones.

The lucky ones? Yes, Tanya's mum says you're lucky because

you don't care about how you look.

Is that right? She says she wishes she could be like you.

She wears lots of lipstick.

Yeah, tons.

She has all different colours. She even has black.

That would look good on you because you've got such a white face.

Hey, we could do you a whole new makeover!

That would be a good mother daughter thing.

I don't want a makeover, I'm perfectly happy with the way I look.

Well, you're just being silly now.

These commentators are so bland.

Bring back Murray Walker, that's what I say.

Do you remember Murray Walker, Jake? No, Dad.

I don't remember any of the people that you remember.

He was fantastic. He was the perfect commentator

because he sounds like a racing car.

"And there goes Emerson Fittipaldi"!

I heard you bought a new jacket.

Yeah, it was going cheap in Camden Market.

I just thought... Has Mum put you up to this?

Mum? No, no, no,

not at all, no.

No.

I just wondered how you, er...

Zach's Dad gave each band member ã30

because we're playing at his birthday party.

Oh! Oh, right.

Excellent.

"I wandered lonely as a cloud"!

How is a cloud lonely?

You never see clouds on their own, you see them with other clouds.

Maybe it was a maverick. That's the trouble, they just don't think.

You can't just dismiss the Romantic Movement.

It represented a rejection

of the certainties of 18th century classicism

and it heralded a social movement that challenged

the conservative notions like the Divine Right of Kings.

Can you say that slowly so I can write it down? Oh, for God's sake.

I don't want to buy anything new. If you didn't want to ever

buy anything new then we'd all still be in togas.

I don't need anything!

You do.

Since when did you get so interested in fashion?

Think about the people that would be out of work.

The little children of Vietnam poking the holes in the trainers

and all the grannies cutting the holes in balaclavas,

and she'd have no job!

What about the models? They'd starve.

Karen! Can we just...?

Look here, see, this is the kind of thing you need.

It's got nice birds on it.

Actually, that's in the sale. And it's only... Please, don't speak.

It just stopped a few minutes ago.

Why didn't you call me? I tried pressing all the buttons.

Well, don't press any more. Let's just tackle it logically.

Why don't we turn it off and on again? No, that only works with computers, and no-one knows why.

So, this is the first load, yeah?

Yeah, and the second. You put both loads in?

Mmm-hmm.

Why did you do that?

Actually, how did you do that?

Well, first I used my feet

and then I used the broom as a sort of ramrod thing.

And then I used my feet and the broom.

Your Mum is going to go nuts. I don't know...

Try this!

Ben, the answer to every problem is not whack it with a hammer.

Just a bit of thought, that's all that's required.

You'll have to get a man in. We do not need to "get a man in".

That's what Mum does. No, that's what Mum does when I'm not available.

Often far too readily and at great expense. We need someone who knows what they're doing.

I know what I'm doing!

You're going to break it! I will find a solution.

Manual. Where is the manual?

Ah!

All shall be revealed.

Here's a bigger hammer. No.

I've just spent half an hour combing through this manual.

So, have you fixed it?

No, because this is the manual to our last bloody washing machine!

Why have we kept..? Get a man in!

Proper men don't pay to get men in.

It is a simple engineering problem and I will fix it.

Like when you fixed the radiators and they ended up full of sewage?

Hot sewage?

That was a systemic design flaw.

This is a washing machine and I'm good with washing machines.

And this one is not going to beat me!

BLENDER WHIRS

STOPS BLENDER

You stupid, bloody, bloody machine!

Stupid...!

STARTS BLENDER

Oh, Karen, can we please stop shopping?

I've stopped shopping. I'm browsing. I'm so...

Ooh, Tanya's got a top like that,

and Molly and Megan. Can we please stop browsing and go back to shopping

because I really like this top? Listen, Karen,

if you only ever remember one thing I tell you I'd like it to be this.

Life is too short to spend it looking for a top.

Please, please don't waste it acquiring stuff

just because you happen to be a woman and some other women told...

Oh, that's Tanya, isn't it? Yeah, and Molly and Maisie and Megan.

Did you know they were going to be here? No.

Tanya said they were going to Westfield for her birthday treat.

Ah, her birthday treat.

You invited Tanya to yours, didn't you?

Yeah.

Do you want to and say hello? No.

OK.

Tanya's Mum looks nice, doesn't she?

I like her jacket.

But it's not real leopard, is it?

Do you know,

I think it might be.

Hello!

Blimey!

That hall is spotless. Yeah.

Did you have a nice time, Karen?

No. Mum wouldn't try on the hot pants. It's a long story.

Well, this all looks very impressive.

Ben has put an enormous amount of effort into this meal.

You let Ben cook our meal? Are you mad?

Karen! I'm not eating that, it's going to taste like cat sick.

Why's she in a bad mood? Don't ask. You all right? You sound...

I'm just coming down with something.

Have you done your homework? Oh, yes, indeed.

Have you opened the wine? Yes, chef!

"The Romantic Poets were a bunch of Emos,

"but they also represented

"a rejection of the certainties of 18th century classicism..."

OK, places, everyone, now!

So, everything got done?

You managed OK? No problems?

No, no. No problems, whatsoever.

Oh, the, um...

The, er...washing machine went on the blink,

stopped mid cycle, don't know why.

I've, um... I've got a...

man coming in.

Oh, well, that's very efficient.

Usually, I have to do that. So, Chef, is this a Nigella recipe?

No, I found something better.

I found it in a magazine that came with Dad's newspaper.

There was this man and he's not a chef, he's a food scientist.

He does science with food.

His name was Heston something.

I thought we were having salad?

You are having salad.

Well, where is it, then? I put it through the blender.

You put the salad through the blender? Not just the salad.

All the other things.

I think it's called a puree.

Heston says if you want to be a great chef

you must be prepared to experiment with lots of flavours.

Ta-da!

Ooh.

Right, um...

That...

Unusual texture.

Now this puree is made of

pork, onion, cheese, garlic, rocket, cucumber,

erm...Toblerone,

rhubarb, ice cream, cabbage and marzipan.

And this is the vegetarian option,

without the pork.

Well, it certainly seems like a lot of work.

Did Daddy supervise you, at all?

Nope. Did it by myself.

Besides, Dad was busy. Really?

Busy doing what?

Mum, the washing machine's covered in, like, big dents,

like someone's been whacking it with a hammer.

So, tuck in.

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