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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,968
You're such an idiot, Ben!
I know you are, but what am I?
2
00:00:02,984 --> 00:00:05,020
You're so annoying!
Will you two pack it in?!
3
00:00:05,036 --> 00:00:06,976
He started it.
No, I did not.
4
00:00:06,988 --> 00:00:08,972
Yes, he did, he Facebook-raped me.
5
00:00:08,984 --> 00:00:10,052
Facebook-raped?
6
00:00:10,968 --> 00:00:13,976
Yes, he changed my status
to "Jake is a transvestite".
7
00:00:13,992 --> 00:00:15,976
And he doesn't even know
what a transvestite is.
8
00:00:15,992 --> 00:00:17,052
Yes, I do.
They're a bit strange,
9
00:00:17,968 --> 00:00:20,984
and they're men who want to be women
but they can't afford sex changes
10
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,016
so they buy women's parts
and they glue them on.
11
00:00:24,968 --> 00:00:26,016
What?
Anyway...
12
00:00:26,032 --> 00:00:30,040
he changed my Facebook status
to "Ben died last Tuesday"
13
00:00:30,052 --> 00:00:31,988
and I didn't.
14
00:00:32,004 --> 00:00:34,968
Why do you have to be so childish?
I don't care who started it!
15
00:00:34,984 --> 00:00:37,028
How can you not care who started it,
you're a history teacher.
16
00:00:37,044 --> 00:00:40,044
Yes, but-
History is about who started it.
17
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,036
Well, that's- I've decided that
I don't want to be a vet anymore.
18
00:00:43,048 --> 00:00:45,972
I want to be an astronaut.
19
00:00:45,984 --> 00:00:47,020
Girls can't be astronauts.
20
00:00:47,036 --> 00:00:49,020
What?
I think they can, Ben.
21
00:00:49,036 --> 00:00:51,976
No, they can't.
Because they can't throw.
22
00:00:51,992 --> 00:00:53,992
Why would an astronaut need to know
how to throw?
23
00:00:54,008 --> 00:00:57,040
Well... what if there's a giant alien
jellyfish attack
24
00:00:57,056 --> 00:00:59,980
and the only weapon you have is
spanners to throw at them?
25
00:00:59,992 --> 00:01:02,036
Anyway, girls can throw.
26
00:01:02,052 --> 00:01:06,000
Interestingly, there is evidence
that the way the female shoulder
27
00:01:06,016 --> 00:01:07,992
is put together does make it
difficult for girls
28
00:01:08,004 --> 00:01:09,992
to throw a ball hard. Ow!
29
00:01:10,008 --> 00:01:12,032
That was a hard throw.
Karen!
30
00:01:12,048 --> 00:01:14,044
And so was that.
Ow!
31
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:18,036
Karen, I've told you before -
no throwing fruit at Dad!
32
00:01:18,052 --> 00:01:20,996
Jake, could you check whether
the milkman's been yet, please?
33
00:01:21,008 --> 00:01:22,984
Why me?
34
00:01:22,996 --> 00:01:24,032
Because, you drink most of it.
35
00:01:24,048 --> 00:01:26,048
God, I'm dreadfully sorry
to inconvenience you.
36
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,020
I'll just leave home, shall I?
37
00:01:28,032 --> 00:01:30,028
OK, but get the milk on your way out.
38
00:01:30,044 --> 00:01:33,016
Here's one. There are loads
of aliens coming towards you,
39
00:01:33,032 --> 00:01:35,992
and the only weapon you have
is a javelin.
40
00:01:36,008 --> 00:01:38,960
Why would an astronaut
have a javelin?
41
00:01:38,972 --> 00:01:40,012
For the space Olympics.
42
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,024
hitting all the important buttons
like the force field.
43
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,020
And then when the captain goes over
to turn on the back-up force field,
44
00:01:57,032 --> 00:01:58,968
he trips over the little cord
45
00:01:58,984 --> 00:02:00,028
which keeps the mummy and the baby
together...
46
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,988
Where's he got to with that milk?
47
00:02:02,004 --> 00:02:03,980
And that's why
you can't have women in space.
48
00:02:03,992 --> 00:02:05,048
Hiya.
49
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,012
Hi.
50
00:02:07,024 --> 00:02:10,000
Any time this month would be great.
51
00:02:10,012 --> 00:02:12,016
Oh, right.
52
00:02:13,976 --> 00:02:15,044
Milk!
53
00:02:15,056 --> 00:02:17,000
Oh, sorry.
54
00:02:18,968 --> 00:02:21,032
What if the ship was being attacked
by all these big meteorites
55
00:02:21,048 --> 00:02:23,980
and all the women would be doing
is sitting in the toilet,
56
00:02:23,996 --> 00:02:26,052
crying going, "Oooohhhh",
being all sissy.
57
00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:28,044
That's a bit
of an unfair stereotype.
58
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,040
No, it's not.
Do you know what a stereotype is?
59
00:02:31,056 --> 00:02:33,000
No.
Well...
60
00:02:33,016 --> 00:02:37,972
a stereotype is when someone
has the wrong idea about people,
61
00:02:37,988 --> 00:02:41,016
for instance,
someone may feel that women
62
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:44,004
are all sissy, sissy, girlie girls
63
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:46,960
who do unimportant things
whereas, in fact,
64
00:02:46,976 --> 00:02:50,040
there are a lot of strong
and very successful women out there
65
00:02:50,056 --> 00:02:54,032
who completely prove that stereotype
wrong, do you see?
66
00:02:54,044 --> 00:02:55,980
Have you got any bacon?
67
00:02:55,992 --> 00:02:57,028
Like for instance,
68
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:59,980
why did you direct that question
to me and not your father?
69
00:02:59,992 --> 00:03:01,036
Because you're nearest the fridge.
70
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,052
Oh.
71
00:03:03,964 --> 00:03:05,976
Right, well...
72
00:03:11,988 --> 00:03:14,960
Never fear,
I'm not asking for money.
73
00:03:14,972 --> 00:03:16,992
I just wanted to give you a leaflet.
74
00:03:17,008 --> 00:03:20,044
Oh, it's about the speed bumps.
It is indeed.
75
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,008
Now there's more information
at our website...
76
00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:25,028
www.thismadnessmustend.com.
77
00:03:27,008 --> 00:03:28,056
What's that?
78
00:03:28,972 --> 00:03:31,016
Er, yeah, it's just a letter
from the hospital.
79
00:03:31,028 --> 00:03:33,008
Instructions about my colonoscopy.
80
00:03:33,024 --> 00:03:35,036
Is that when they chop off
the top of your brain
81
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,984
to make you behave better?
82
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,988
That's a lobotomy.
Oh.
83
00:03:39,004 --> 00:03:41,984
Miss Lyons said Ben could do
with one of those.
84
00:03:41,996 --> 00:03:45,000
They've banned them... sadly.
85
00:03:45,012 --> 00:03:46,980
So what are you having?
86
00:03:46,996 --> 00:03:52,980
Look, I'm just having a very simple
thing where they film your insides.
87
00:03:52,992 --> 00:03:55,992
Film your insides?
88
00:03:56,004 --> 00:03:57,960
Mm.
89
00:03:57,976 --> 00:04:02,016
But your insides are on your
inside, so, how can they film them?
90
00:04:02,032 --> 00:04:05,964
With a camera.
In your insides?
91
00:04:05,976 --> 00:04:07,016
Yes.
92
00:04:07,028 --> 00:04:10,976
Are you sure you've got this right?
93
00:04:10,992 --> 00:04:13,000
Well, it's just we haven't really
quite decided what...
94
00:04:13,016 --> 00:04:15,012
All right then,
then let me ask you a question.
95
00:04:15,024 --> 00:04:17,972
Are you in favour of councils
96
00:04:17,988 --> 00:04:20,960
riding roughshod over the wishes
of local residents?
97
00:04:20,976 --> 00:04:22,988
No. No, obviously not,
it's just we haven't...
98
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,056
Let me ask you another question.
99
00:04:24,968 --> 00:04:26,988
Are you in favour of people dying
100
00:04:27,004 --> 00:04:29,048
because ambulances are being impeded
in their progress?
101
00:04:29,964 --> 00:04:33,960
No, no, I'm not in favour
of people dying.
102
00:04:33,972 --> 00:04:35,048
I'm against that, it's just...
103
00:04:35,964 --> 00:04:37,048
Right, I'll show you
some statistics.
104
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,032
Let me just...
105
00:04:39,048 --> 00:04:42,048
Yes, but how does this camera
get inside your insides?
106
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,980
Well...
107
00:04:44,996 --> 00:04:50,988
it's a special tiny camera,
specially designed for the purpose.
108
00:04:51,004 --> 00:04:55,048
Yes, but how does it get
inside your insides?
109
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,000
Well, they-they put it...
110
00:05:01,036 --> 00:05:02,992
up your bottom.
111
00:05:03,008 --> 00:05:05,000
Up your bottom?!
It's not funny, Ben.
112
00:05:05,016 --> 00:05:07,004
It is.
Who's going to work the camera?
113
00:05:07,020 --> 00:05:10,976
Is there going to be like
some tiny, tiny midget doctor
114
00:05:10,988 --> 00:05:12,040
that has to go up your bottom too?
115
00:05:12,056 --> 00:05:14,032
No, Karen.
There's no midget.
116
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:16,048
Will we be able to watch it live
on telly?
117
00:05:16,964 --> 00:05:18,048
No, you won't be able
to watch it on TV.
118
00:05:18,964 --> 00:05:21,036
Is that because it's on Sky
and we don't have Sky?
119
00:05:21,052 --> 00:05:22,984
That is ju-
No.
120
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,968
There is no colonoscopy channel.
Yet.
121
00:05:25,984 --> 00:05:30,004
What if you do one
of your massive gigantic Dad farts
122
00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:31,972
while it's in you.
Oh, God!
123
00:05:31,988 --> 00:05:33,036
And then it sends the midget
flying back.
124
00:05:33,052 --> 00:05:36,996
There are no midgets.
Just stop it now, you two.
125
00:05:37,012 --> 00:05:40,044
What happens if something goes wrong
and- What if it gets stuck?
126
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,988
And they can't get it out
so they have to stick...
127
00:05:43,004 --> 00:05:45,980
their hand up your bottom
to get it out. Stop it!
128
00:05:45,996 --> 00:05:49,960
Furthermore, the elevation
of the speed bumps is...
129
00:05:49,972 --> 00:05:52,008
12cm which is patently absurd.
130
00:05:52,024 --> 00:05:55,052
Well, this street has actually
become a bit of a rat run, and...
131
00:05:55,968 --> 00:05:57,996
That's because of the new lights
at the top of Palmerston Grove.
132
00:05:58,008 --> 00:05:59,044
I did warn them.
133
00:05:59,056 --> 00:06:01,036
Anyway, let me show you some more...
134
00:06:01,052 --> 00:06:03,972
Actually now's not a great time,
we've gotta...
135
00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:08,004
Understood, Saturday morning chaos,
bad timing.
136
00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:11,040
I shall leave you alone.
Thanks.
137
00:06:11,052 --> 00:06:12,988
And come back this evening.
138
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,996
Oh, great.
139
00:06:17,012 --> 00:06:18,972
It could be like Big Brother.
Yeah.
140
00:06:18,988 --> 00:06:23,032
"Day 49 and Daddy's tummy
is full of carrots."
141
00:06:23,048 --> 00:06:26,968
Why have you got to have
this... thing?
142
00:06:26,980 --> 00:06:30,004
Look, it is purely precautionary.
143
00:06:30,016 --> 00:06:31,052
It's standard procedure now.
144
00:06:31,968 --> 00:06:33,992
If you're middle-aged
and you have tummy trouble, then...
145
00:06:34,008 --> 00:06:35,960
Will the camera be searching
for cancer?
146
00:06:35,976 --> 00:06:38,000
Ben! Shut up!
It's OK, Jake.
147
00:06:38,012 --> 00:06:39,976
It's fine, he can ask that.
148
00:06:39,992 --> 00:06:41,964
Look, there is nothing
to be frightened of.
149
00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:45,008
Cancer is just a word, and we
shouldn't be afraid of saying it.
150
00:06:45,024 --> 00:06:46,980
Cancer.
Yes, that's...
151
00:06:46,996 --> 00:06:49,028
Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer,
cancer, cancer.
152
00:06:49,044 --> 00:06:52,968
Yeah, there is a difference
between not being frightened of it
153
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,980
and turning it into a catchphrase.
154
00:06:54,996 --> 00:06:57,984
It's not funny, Ben,
Jane's dad has got cancer and...
155
00:06:57,996 --> 00:06:59,032
It is OK, Jake, it's OK.
156
00:06:59,048 --> 00:07:01,056
Look, I am confident
that I've not got...
157
00:07:02,976 --> 00:07:05,004
There are millions
of stomach-related ailments,
158
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:07,012
it'll turn out to be one of them,
believe me.
159
00:07:08,044 --> 00:07:12,028
It'll probably turn out to be,
to do with my nerves or something.
160
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,960
Why would your nerves be bad?
161
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:16,988
Dunno, it's hard to work out,
put down the carving fork.
162
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,964
I'm just looking at the shape of it.
163
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,056
Pointy, that's the shape of it.
Now, put it down.
164
00:07:21,968 --> 00:07:23,004
If you used that as a javelin,
165
00:07:23,020 --> 00:07:25,960
you'd be able to impale
two aliens at once. Ben!
166
00:07:25,976 --> 00:07:27,964
As long as they're standing
next to each other...
167
00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:29,988
Put it away... and are very thin
and they're standing still.
168
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,992
Why are boys so aggressive?
169
00:07:32,008 --> 00:07:34,020
Why do they see everything
as a weapon?
170
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:36,996
Because boys can throw
and girls can't.
171
00:07:37,008 --> 00:07:38,044
Boys are brilliant!
172
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960
- Shut up!
- Ow!
173
00:07:40,972 --> 00:07:42,984
She's throwing fruit again, Mum.
174
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:48,016
Jake was at it again ogling
Frank and Jean's daughter, Kelly.
175
00:07:48,028 --> 00:07:49,996
Oh, yeah, the one with the legs?
176
00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:53,000
The one with the honours degree
from Oxford.
177
00:07:54,044 --> 00:07:55,992
Oh, yeah.
178
00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:59,040
Honestly, the boys' attitude
to women, it's medieval.
179
00:07:59,052 --> 00:08:02,992
Ben sees women solely as staff
180
00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:05,008
and Jake spends his whole time
181
00:08:05,024 --> 00:08:07,996
watching The Pussycat Dolls
with a face like this.
182
00:08:08,012 --> 00:08:09,992
Yeah, well, he's a boy,
he's 13, and...
183
00:08:10,004 --> 00:08:11,048
Shut up!
184
00:08:11,964 --> 00:08:14,960
Oh, God, what on earth is going on
in here?
185
00:08:14,976 --> 00:08:16,980
Get off me. You're in a bad mood!
Shut up then!
186
00:08:16,992 --> 00:08:18,032
Just stop it!
187
00:08:18,048 --> 00:08:19,980
Come on.
You're so annoying!
188
00:08:19,996 --> 00:08:22,048
- Ben. No hitting!
- There is no need to fight!
189
00:08:22,964 --> 00:08:24,984
There is actually,
when we men were cavemen,
190
00:08:24,996 --> 00:08:27,008
we used to fight other cavemen
191
00:08:27,024 --> 00:08:28,988
so they didn't steal
our pet brontosauruses.
192
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,036
It's Darwin.
193
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,044
A - that is not Darwin,
that's the Flintstones,
194
00:08:32,056 --> 00:08:35,000
and B - that is utter rubbish.
195
00:08:35,016 --> 00:08:37,016
You never see your dad
starting a fight, do you?
196
00:08:37,028 --> 00:08:38,992
No, cos he'd lose.
197
00:08:39,004 --> 00:08:42,016
Mum's right. Real men don't fight.
198
00:08:42,028 --> 00:08:43,964
That's right.
199
00:08:43,980 --> 00:08:45,980
They're man enough
to control themselves.
200
00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:49,020
Exactly. So you two just cool it.
201
00:08:50,984 --> 00:08:52,992
OK, washing-up's done,
and I'll see you about one.
202
00:08:53,004 --> 00:08:54,040
OK, so...
203
00:08:54,052 --> 00:08:55,988
Hang on.
204
00:08:56,004 --> 00:08:58,008
Wait a minute, what do you mean
"see you about one"?
205
00:08:58,024 --> 00:09:00,968
Where are you going?
This is a bit of a visual clue.
206
00:09:00,984 --> 00:09:03,012
No. You're not playing tennis?
Yes, I am.
207
00:09:03,028 --> 00:09:05,984
No, you're not playing tennis
this morning, you're on kids patrol.
208
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,968
No, no, I'm not, I'm playing tennis
with Frankie, Rick and Bob.
209
00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:10,056
I've done the washing-up.
210
00:09:10,972 --> 00:09:12,056
But I've got a coffee morning
with Jilly and Suzannah.
211
00:09:12,968 --> 00:09:14,964
Yeah, but I'm playing tennis.
212
00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:16,032
Since when?
What do you mean, "Since when"?
213
00:09:16,048 --> 00:09:18,052
Since... this is a longstanding
arrangement.
214
00:09:18,968 --> 00:09:20,032
No, no, no,
cos it's not on the calendar.
215
00:09:20,044 --> 00:09:21,980
And you know the rule...
216
00:09:21,996 --> 00:09:23,980
if it's not on the calendar,
it doesn't officially exist,
217
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:25,028
that's the rule.
I know but...
218
00:09:25,044 --> 00:09:27,016
It's not a fully sanctioned,
bona-fide commitment.
219
00:09:27,032 --> 00:09:28,964
Yes. And that's-
And that's the rule.
220
00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:31,008
And we've agreed the rule
specifically... Uh-huh.
221
00:09:31,024 --> 00:09:32,968
To prevent this kind
of double-booking.
222
00:09:32,984 --> 00:09:35,040
So if it's not in the calendar...
But it is in the calendar.
223
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,988
Where?
224
00:09:38,964 --> 00:09:40,012
There, see?
225
00:09:40,028 --> 00:09:42,032
Where?
There!
226
00:09:43,972 --> 00:09:45,976
'P-ton'.
227
00:09:45,988 --> 00:09:48,992
P-ten! It's short for tennis.
228
00:09:49,008 --> 00:09:50,988
Well, how am I supposed
to decode that?
229
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,968
I haven't got an enigma machine.
230
00:09:52,980 --> 00:09:55,960
Why should you be my apprentice?
231
00:09:55,972 --> 00:09:57,036
Because I am a winner.
232
00:09:57,052 --> 00:10:00,000
I don't even know the meaning
of the word loser
233
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:04,036
and I have never ever ever failed
anything in my entire life.
234
00:10:04,048 --> 00:10:05,988
You're fired!
235
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,960
Now, who's next?
236
00:10:09,972 --> 00:10:12,020
I'm a good team leader.
237
00:10:12,036 --> 00:10:16,980
No. That's not true, she's bossy,
she's a panda.
238
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:18,968
She's dead!
239
00:10:18,984 --> 00:10:22,012
The rule is -
it has to be on the calendar
240
00:10:22,028 --> 00:10:24,968
and written in something
resembling English.
241
00:10:24,984 --> 00:10:27,000
Clearly, 'P-ten' stands
for 'P tennis'.
242
00:10:27,016 --> 00:10:30,960
So why not just write "tennis"?
Because - because there isn't room.
243
00:10:30,976 --> 00:10:33,992
The box is too small and half of it
is taken up with the revelation
244
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:36,964
that it's National Weaving Day
in Canada.
245
00:10:36,980 --> 00:10:40,992
Oh, I see, so this is all about
my calendar-buying skills now, is it?
246
00:10:41,012 --> 00:10:44,040
No. All I'm saying is
there isn't room for my name and the word 'tennis'.
247
00:10:44,056 --> 00:10:46,960
Yeah. Because most of the box
is taken up
248
00:10:46,972 --> 00:10:48,052
with the words "Sue - coffee morn."
249
00:10:48,968 --> 00:10:51,012
Is that what that says? You know
perfectly well that's what that says.
250
00:10:51,032 --> 00:10:53,984
How am I to decipher
that microscopic scrawl? It's perfectly legible.
251
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,024
Hang on, you put your tennis there
this morning, didn't you?
252
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:59,968
I did not - I put that
on the calendar last Tuesday.
253
00:10:59,980 --> 00:11:01,036
Well, I don't remember seeing it.
254
00:11:01,052 --> 00:11:03,056
Just because you didn't see it
doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
255
00:11:03,972 --> 00:11:08,976
I am good at everything and-
I don't care!
256
00:11:08,988 --> 00:11:10,040
You, you, you...
257
00:11:10,056 --> 00:11:15,016
You smell of flowers
and flowers give me hay fever.
258
00:11:15,028 --> 00:11:16,968
You're fired!
259
00:11:17,976 --> 00:11:20,988
And you two,
you're just a pair of clowns.
260
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,008
You're fired!
261
00:11:23,024 --> 00:11:25,964
All I'm saying is,
as commitments go,
262
00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:27,976
a tennis match trumps
a coffee morning, surely.
263
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,036
Well, how do you work that one out?
264
00:11:29,052 --> 00:11:33,036
Because, because if I cancel, I'm
letting down Rick, Bob and Frankie,
265
00:11:33,052 --> 00:11:36,968
three people, whereas if you cancel,
you're only letting down two.
266
00:11:36,984 --> 00:11:38,056
Oh, for f-
Also, if I don't turn up,
267
00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:40,020
the boys can't have a match
268
00:11:40,036 --> 00:11:44,984
whereas if you don't turn up, Jilly
and Suzannah can still drink coffee.
269
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,984
I don't believe this.
Also, I really need a run around.
270
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,968
I mean, I have had an extremely
stressful week at work.
271
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:53,052
You've had a stressful week at work!
272
00:11:53,968 --> 00:11:55,052
I've been working on telesales
for rubbish...
273
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:57,988
Yes, but you had a night out
on Thursday, didn't you?
274
00:11:59,056 --> 00:12:01,968
That was parents' evening!
275
00:12:01,984 --> 00:12:04,040
I spent hours sitting around
waiting to be told
276
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:06,992
that it's great that Ben's so keen
on the Aztecs
277
00:12:07,008 --> 00:12:10,016
but he has to stop carving scenes
of human sacrifice onto the desks.
278
00:12:10,028 --> 00:12:12,044
Yes, but this tennis court
279
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,040
is specifically booked
for this morning,
280
00:12:14,056 --> 00:12:16,984
whereas your coffee morning
could be rescheduled.
281
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,976
I mean, booking these courts,
they're like gold dust.
282
00:12:19,992 --> 00:12:23,984
So, you're saying that your social
life is more important than mine.
283
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:26,988
No. No, I'm not.
I'm not saying that.
284
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,036
Yes, you are.
285
00:12:28,052 --> 00:12:30,040
You're saying that four men
playing tennis
286
00:12:30,056 --> 00:12:33,960
is more important than three women
having a coffee morning.
287
00:12:33,976 --> 00:12:35,972
Well, it is.
What?
288
00:12:35,984 --> 00:12:37,040
A coffee morning isn't competitive,
289
00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:39,048
it's not like who can drink
the frothiest coffees,
290
00:12:39,964 --> 00:12:42,044
but tennis
is men fighting for victory,
291
00:12:42,056 --> 00:12:44,004
and that's more important.
292
00:12:46,036 --> 00:12:48,960
Well, I don't know
where he got that from.
293
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,968
Look, can't we get someone in
to look after them?
294
00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:52,016
What, at five minutes' notice?
295
00:12:52,032 --> 00:12:54,056
What about, what's her name,
the old lady up the road?
296
00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:56,988
Joan? She won't do it.
297
00:12:57,004 --> 00:12:58,968
Her doctor's told her
she mustn't do it again.
298
00:12:58,984 --> 00:13:00,984
Oh, yeah.
There's only way to resolve this.
299
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,032
We'll have to toss for it.
All right.
300
00:13:03,048 --> 00:13:07,048
OK, tails - I get my coffee morning.
Heads - you get your tennis, OK? OK.
301
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:14,052
It's best out of three.
What?
302
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:16,992
Best out of three.
Best out of three? It's best of one!
303
00:13:17,008 --> 00:13:18,052
I've won.
It's always best out of three.
304
00:13:19,519 --> 00:13:22,507
So, what's this bloke's name?
I didn't catch- Lance.
305
00:13:22,519 --> 00:13:24,503
He's just moved in opposite Frankie,
306
00:13:24,519 --> 00:13:26,483
so Frankie roped him in
at the last minute.
307
00:13:26,495 --> 00:13:28,431
And why did Bob pull out?
308
00:13:28,447 --> 00:13:30,499
Double-booked himself with his wife
on kids patrol, didn't he.
309
00:13:30,515 --> 00:13:34,487
What a pillock.
Yeah, what a pillock.
310
00:13:34,499 --> 00:13:36,483
OK, ready?
311
00:13:41,511 --> 00:13:43,459
Nice.
Out!
312
00:13:44,515 --> 00:13:47,491
By about that much.
Maybe it was out.
313
00:13:47,503 --> 00:13:49,447
15-love.
314
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:53,519
Hi, Dad!
315
00:13:54,435 --> 00:13:56,431
Hiya! Sorry.
Hey!
316
00:13:56,443 --> 00:13:57,479
Sorry everyone, sorry.
317
00:13:57,495 --> 00:14:01,431
I'm sorry, Pete, but Melanie just
called and her car's broken down
318
00:14:01,447 --> 00:14:04,495
so I'm going to have to take Jake,
plus Dean plus Luke to football,
319
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,455
so you've got to look
after these two.
320
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,499
Well, can't someone else?
I've tried everybody, honestly.
321
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,471
Got to go. Because Luke and Dean
will be at our place.
322
00:14:11,491 --> 00:14:14,479
But we're meant
to be playing tennis, how do I keep them entertained?
323
00:14:14,491 --> 00:14:16,503
Look, I've brought toys for them.
324
00:14:16,515 --> 00:14:20,451
Ben, I told you not to bring this.
325
00:14:20,463 --> 00:14:21,499
It'll be fine.
326
00:14:21,511 --> 00:14:24,479
This is not a practical arrangement.
327
00:14:24,495 --> 00:14:26,499
They can have a game
on one of these spare courts...
328
00:14:26,515 --> 00:14:29,475
which are like gold dust apparently.
Bye!
329
00:14:29,487 --> 00:14:31,427
But how am I supposed to...
330
00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:34,435
Oh, she's good.
331
00:14:34,451 --> 00:14:37,471
Right, kids, here we go,
I've got some spare racquets here.
332
00:14:37,487 --> 00:14:40,431
Thanks, Rick.
You know Frankie, don't you?
333
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:41,519
And that's Lance.
Oh, Lance!
334
00:14:42,435 --> 00:14:43,503
So cool,
you've got the name of a weapon!
335
00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:45,491
I wanted to call myself Scimitar,
336
00:14:45,507 --> 00:14:48,447
but Dad said there'd be
too much paperwork.
337
00:14:48,459 --> 00:14:49,503
Right.
338
00:14:49,519 --> 00:14:51,463
Well, you just play a nice game
there,
339
00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:53,459
see how long you can keep that up.
340
00:14:53,471 --> 00:14:55,495
Are we ready? 15-love.
341
00:14:57,495 --> 00:14:59,455
Aaaahhhhhh!
342
00:15:00,503 --> 00:15:03,431
Karen, what are you doing?
343
00:15:03,447 --> 00:15:08,463
Well, when professional tennis women
play tennis,
344
00:15:08,479 --> 00:15:11,503
every time they hit the ball,
they go, "Uuuaaahhhh",
345
00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:13,515
and then they sit down
and eat a banana.
346
00:15:14,427 --> 00:15:15,507
Yeah, well, Venus Williams might,
347
00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:18,431
but it's very distracting
so if you can...
348
00:15:18,443 --> 00:15:20,435
Why do they make that noise?
349
00:15:20,451 --> 00:15:22,427
I mean, they're just hitting
a tennis ball,
350
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:24,483
not like a rock
or something made of osmium,
351
00:15:24,495 --> 00:15:26,483
the heaviest metal known to man.
352
00:15:26,495 --> 00:15:28,451
Are we going to play tennis or not?
353
00:15:28,467 --> 00:15:31,443
Yeah, sorry.
15-love.
354
00:15:32,443 --> 00:15:33,499
This is boring.
355
00:15:33,511 --> 00:15:37,439
Look, do some drawing or something.
356
00:15:37,455 --> 00:15:40,471
I've got an idea.
Ben, why don't you be our ball boy,
357
00:15:40,483 --> 00:15:42,427
you know, like at Wimbledon.
358
00:15:42,443 --> 00:15:45,447
OK.
And Karen, you can be our umpire.
359
00:15:45,463 --> 00:15:47,479
I... I don't think
that's a very good idea.
360
00:15:47,491 --> 00:15:49,455
Is that the one who's in charge?
361
00:15:49,467 --> 00:15:50,503
She tends to get a bit...
362
00:15:50,519 --> 00:15:52,507
That's right, you're the ref,
and what you do is
363
00:15:52,523 --> 00:15:55,499
every time the ball hits the net,
you shout, "Foul!"
364
00:15:55,511 --> 00:15:57,447
OK.
365
00:16:05,439 --> 00:16:06,519
Wait!
366
00:16:21,471 --> 00:16:22,519
Play!
367
00:16:23,431 --> 00:16:25,459
Look, boys, look. Check these out.
368
00:16:28,435 --> 00:16:29,483
Sorry about that, boys.
369
00:16:29,495 --> 00:16:31,483
I had to drop off Ben and Karen.
370
00:16:31,499 --> 00:16:34,503
Ahh! Did you see those?
371
00:16:36,519 --> 00:16:39,435
Morning, Mrs Brockman.
Morning, Mrs Brockman. Hi, boys.
372
00:16:42,491 --> 00:16:44,467
Out!
373
00:16:44,483 --> 00:16:46,475
Out?
Yes.
374
00:16:46,487 --> 00:16:49,427
Well, what does our umpire say?
375
00:16:49,439 --> 00:16:51,471
I shall have to consult Hawk-Eye.
376
00:16:51,483 --> 00:16:53,511
Woooooooooo!
377
00:16:55,439 --> 00:16:57,439
In.
No, sweetheart, it wasn't.
378
00:16:57,455 --> 00:17:00,431
Well, yes, it was.
Because it bounced here.
379
00:17:00,443 --> 00:17:01,499
And don't call me sweetheart.
380
00:17:01,511 --> 00:17:03,483
The umpire's word is final, Lance.
381
00:17:03,495 --> 00:17:05,463
Look, I'm telling you it was out.
382
00:17:05,479 --> 00:17:07,503
Yeah, you can't face the truth,
you're just saying,
383
00:17:07,519 --> 00:17:09,495
"Oh, I thought it was in."
Karen. Stop it!
384
00:17:09,511 --> 00:17:12,483
Because you're a bad loser.
Don't.
385
00:17:12,495 --> 00:17:14,431
And you're too competitive.
386
00:17:14,447 --> 00:17:17,507
Look, it really doesn't matter,
let's play a let. What?
387
00:17:17,523 --> 00:17:20,499
But I'm the umpire,
I get to choose what we do. Karen!
388
00:17:20,515 --> 00:17:22,459
Book him!
Good idea.
389
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,507
Daddy, you are booked.
Whooooa!
390
00:17:24,523 --> 00:17:27,467
Ben, what are you doing?
Whooooa!
391
00:17:27,479 --> 00:17:30,427
A Mexican wave. Whooooa!
392
00:17:30,443 --> 00:17:32,427
You can't do a Mexican wave
with just one person.
393
00:17:32,443 --> 00:17:34,479
Yes, you just have to keep running
around the court. Ben, don't.
394
00:17:34,495 --> 00:17:37,511
Actually, I think the ball probably
was in, Lance.
395
00:17:43,475 --> 00:17:44,523
40-30 to you.
396
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:50,499
Thanks for the lift, Mrs Brockman.
397
00:17:50,515 --> 00:17:54,471
Could you just hang on a second,
Jakey?
398
00:17:54,487 --> 00:17:57,455
Mum, I've got to go play football.
No. This won't take a moment.
399
00:18:01,435 --> 00:18:06,471
Jake, do you know what
the objectification of women is?
400
00:18:06,483 --> 00:18:08,435
A foreign film?
401
00:18:08,447 --> 00:18:10,431
No, it's not a foreign film,
402
00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:14,451
it's when a woman is seen just
as an object or a commodity...
403
00:18:14,463 --> 00:18:17,431
by men.
404
00:18:17,447 --> 00:18:20,435
For instance,
if a pretty girl walks by
405
00:18:20,451 --> 00:18:23,427
and someone says,
"Did you see those?"
406
00:18:23,439 --> 00:18:25,451
rather than "Did you see her?"
407
00:18:25,463 --> 00:18:27,463
I was abbreviating.
408
00:18:27,475 --> 00:18:28,511
What?
409
00:18:29,427 --> 00:18:32,507
You know, I said "those"
as opposed to "those girls"
410
00:18:32,523 --> 00:18:37,459
because there was a pair of them -
girls, pair of girls.
411
00:18:37,471 --> 00:18:40,463
So I, erm, said "those",
412
00:18:40,479 --> 00:18:45,523
much like you would say,
"Watch out for those cars".
413
00:18:46,439 --> 00:18:51,467
I think you might have confused me
with a gullible idiot.
414
00:18:51,479 --> 00:18:52,515
Yours!
415
00:18:53,427 --> 00:18:54,463
Mine.
416
00:18:56,455 --> 00:18:58,463
Yes! Yes!
417
00:18:58,479 --> 00:19:00,439
Game to us.
Out!
418
00:19:00,451 --> 00:19:02,435
What?
419
00:19:02,451 --> 00:19:04,503
That was out.
That's a point to Daddy's team.
420
00:19:04,515 --> 00:19:06,451
Oh, for f-!
421
00:19:06,467 --> 00:19:09,447
And another point to Daddy's team
for bad language.
422
00:19:09,463 --> 00:19:10,523
I didn't swear!
You were going to.
423
00:19:11,439 --> 00:19:12,487
Yes, you were going to say-
Ben!
424
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:14,435
She can't dock points like that.
425
00:19:14,451 --> 00:19:16,447
It's fine, look, just ignore her,
she's being...
426
00:19:16,459 --> 00:19:17,515
You can't ignore me, I'm the referee.
427
00:19:18,431 --> 00:19:21,447
Karen! And don't argue with me,
you've already been booked.
428
00:19:21,463 --> 00:19:24,471
Again, I thought
that probably did look out.
429
00:19:24,487 --> 00:19:27,431
The ball was miles off,
that bloke's blind. Stop!
430
00:19:27,443 --> 00:19:28,487
Ben.
431
00:19:28,499 --> 00:19:30,435
Deuce it is, then.
432
00:19:32,459 --> 00:19:34,435
Girls like to be admired.
433
00:19:34,447 --> 00:19:35,495
They like to be admired, yes,
434
00:19:35,511 --> 00:19:39,431
but as a person
not as a sexual object.
435
00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:40,503
Does Britney Spears want that?
436
00:19:42,451 --> 00:19:44,483
Look, Jake, all I'm saying is
437
00:19:44,499 --> 00:19:47,471
I don't want you growing up
into the kind of man
438
00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:50,471
who talks to a woman
without looking at their face.
439
00:19:50,483 --> 00:19:52,475
You are such a hypocrite.
440
00:19:52,487 --> 00:19:54,487
Aaah! You idiot!
441
00:19:54,503 --> 00:19:57,443
Advantage us.
What is wrong with me today?
442
00:19:57,455 --> 00:19:59,427
Well, er, what star sign are you?
443
00:19:59,439 --> 00:20:00,483
Pisces.
444
00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:02,487
It's probably just a bad day
for Pisces.
445
00:20:02,503 --> 00:20:06,487
Mind you, Daddy's playing rubbish
and he's Cancer.
446
00:20:06,499 --> 00:20:08,439
Can we get on with it, please?
447
00:20:08,451 --> 00:20:10,431
Yes, sorry.
448
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,439
Advantage us, set point.
449
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,435
I am not a hypocrite.
450
00:20:16,451 --> 00:20:18,475
Yes, you are! I've heard the way
you and all your friends
451
00:20:18,491 --> 00:20:20,515
have been talking about that new
builder from across the street.
452
00:20:21,427 --> 00:20:23,475
Well, um, how did you hear that?
453
00:20:23,491 --> 00:20:26,487
All giggling and cracking jokes
about the size of his spanner.
454
00:20:26,503 --> 00:20:29,511
Yeah, well, that was Melanie,
that wasn't me.
455
00:20:30,427 --> 00:20:32,479
And of course, when you were rating
his arse out of ten,
456
00:20:32,495 --> 00:20:34,519
you were obviously
just admiring him as a person.
457
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,491
Look, Jake,
A - you shouldn't eavesdrop.
458
00:20:37,503 --> 00:20:39,503
Eavesdrop! You were screeching like...
459
00:20:39,515 --> 00:20:43,451
And B - it was different because...
460
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:46,463
he didn't know
we were looking at him.
461
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:48,451
That's not the point.
Look, the point is...
462
00:20:48,467 --> 00:20:51,459
The point is, I'm late.
See you later.
463
00:20:53,511 --> 00:20:56,447
By the way, I said
you'd wash the kit.
464
00:20:58,487 --> 00:21:00,515
Ahh!
465
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:02,511
Fine.
466
00:21:02,523 --> 00:21:04,459
YES!
467
00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:05,507
I thought that looked a bit wide.
468
00:21:05,519 --> 00:21:07,495
It landed...
469
00:21:09,471 --> 00:21:12,435
here.
See? Wide.
470
00:21:12,451 --> 00:21:14,479
Yes, but I saw it and it was good.
Why believe her?
471
00:21:14,495 --> 00:21:18,511
Believe me because my eyes are good
because I'm young.
472
00:21:19,427 --> 00:21:20,475
Karen!
And your eyes are much smaller
473
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:22,471
and a bit wrinklier
474
00:21:22,487 --> 00:21:25,451
and you can't see
because you're quite old.
475
00:21:25,467 --> 00:21:28,431
Oh, this is a bloody joke!!
Racquet abusement.
476
00:21:28,447 --> 00:21:30,459
Two points to Daddy's team.
Look...
477
00:21:30,475 --> 00:21:33,447
One for racquet abusement
and another for swearing.
478
00:21:33,463 --> 00:21:36,455
This is ridiculous, there's
obviously something going on here.
479
00:21:36,471 --> 00:21:38,507
I've had four perfectly good points
called out,
480
00:21:38,519 --> 00:21:40,463
yeah, by...
481
00:21:40,475 --> 00:21:41,511
How do you explain that, eh?
482
00:21:42,427 --> 00:21:44,471
Maybe it's something to do
with your star sign. Karen!
483
00:21:44,483 --> 00:21:47,507
Are you a Pisces or are you a Cancer?
484
00:21:47,523 --> 00:21:51,443
What? Look, let's just play a let.
First serve.
485
00:21:55,467 --> 00:21:58,491
Why did they name a star sign
after a disease like cancer?
486
00:21:58,503 --> 00:22:00,439
Yeah, do you mind?
487
00:22:00,455 --> 00:22:02,483
It's only a word, there's nothing
to be afraid of. Shh, Ben!
488
00:22:02,499 --> 00:22:05,495
I'm just saying it.
Please. Shh!
489
00:22:07,475 --> 00:22:09,447
Thank you.
490
00:22:10,451 --> 00:22:13,507
Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer,
cancer, cancer. Ben!
491
00:22:13,523 --> 00:22:15,515
Oh, come on, this is out of order.
Eh?
492
00:22:16,431 --> 00:22:17,491
He's obviously playing mind games,
isn't he?
493
00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:19,455
He's nine.
494
00:22:19,467 --> 00:22:21,471
He knows what he's doing, like her.
495
00:22:21,483 --> 00:22:23,471
She sees what she wants to see.
496
00:22:23,487 --> 00:22:26,483
Well, that's rich.
Sorry?
497
00:22:26,495 --> 00:22:28,515
Are you calling me a cheat?
498
00:22:29,427 --> 00:22:31,479
Er, yeah, I am calling you a cheat.
499
00:22:31,495 --> 00:22:36,435
Listen, matey, I don't have to cheat
to beat you, I play for my county.
500
00:22:36,451 --> 00:22:37,491
Which county was that then?
Wankershire?
501
00:22:43,475 --> 00:22:45,443
Oh.
502
00:22:45,459 --> 00:22:46,495
Yeah, come on.
Lance. It's all right.
503
00:22:46,511 --> 00:22:48,487
Leave it.
Rick! I'm ready.
504
00:22:48,503 --> 00:22:50,447
Rick.
Lance!
505
00:22:50,463 --> 00:22:51,495
Come on.
You...
506
00:22:51,511 --> 00:22:54,431
Get off!
507
00:22:55,495 --> 00:22:58,427
Get off me!
508
00:22:58,443 --> 00:23:00,511
Rick! Just leave it.
509
00:23:04,431 --> 00:23:05,519
Jesus!
510
00:23:09,479 --> 00:23:12,471
I think the world is unfair
to women.
511
00:23:12,487 --> 00:23:14,455
Well, absolutely,
I think you're right.
512
00:23:14,467 --> 00:23:16,447
Often it is.
513
00:23:16,463 --> 00:23:19,463
Because women can't grow
moustaches or beards.
514
00:23:19,475 --> 00:23:21,503
Do you want to grow a beard?
515
00:23:21,519 --> 00:23:25,443
Well, I might want to be
a tugboat captain
516
00:23:25,455 --> 00:23:27,503
or er...
517
00:23:27,515 --> 00:23:29,479
an ayatollah.
518
00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:31,499
Well, you'd make a very good
ayatollah.
519
00:23:31,515 --> 00:23:35,427
But, women can do things men can't -
women can have babies.
520
00:23:35,443 --> 00:23:37,499
Yes, but I'd rather have
a moustache than a baby,
521
00:23:37,515 --> 00:23:39,523
because then you could just
shave it off if...
522
00:23:40,439 --> 00:23:43,475
if you change your mind
and you can't do that with a baby.
523
00:23:43,491 --> 00:23:46,443
Ow!
524
00:23:46,459 --> 00:23:48,511
Ben, I've told you not to fire stuff
in the house.
525
00:23:48,523 --> 00:23:50,511
Don't shoot things at people.
526
00:23:51,427 --> 00:23:54,491
Can I grow a beard when I'm older,
like Eric Bloodaxe or Blackbeard?
527
00:23:54,503 --> 00:23:56,463
I'm sure you can grow a beard.
528
00:23:56,479 --> 00:23:58,447
It'd be really cool
cos Blackbeard used to put
529
00:23:58,463 --> 00:23:59,523
fireworks in it
and then catherine-wheels...
530
00:24:00,435 --> 00:24:01,471
Why did he have...
531
00:24:01,487 --> 00:24:03,523
And there's sparklers and matches
and it would be like... pff!
532
00:24:04,439 --> 00:24:05,523
There'd be an element of danger
in that, wouldn't there?
533
00:24:06,439 --> 00:24:08,495
I think that might raise
a few health and safety issues.
534
00:24:08,511 --> 00:24:11,435
If you had a really long beard
like Blackbeard,
535
00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:14,435
it would be really cool because you
could put little animals in there.
536
00:24:14,451 --> 00:24:16,451
So whenever you had an enemy
walking up to you,
537
00:24:16,467 --> 00:24:18,491
a little ferret would pop out
of your beard and bite it.
538
00:24:18,507 --> 00:24:21,467
So you'd have them trained?
Or you could have a spitting cobra
539
00:24:21,483 --> 00:24:26,459
which has been painted to make it
look like part of your beard
540
00:24:26,471 --> 00:24:27,523
and then it goes, prrrtf!
541
00:24:28,435 --> 00:24:30,471
Bring on the wall!
542
00:24:30,487 --> 00:24:33,495
Bring on the wall?
I like this.
543
00:24:33,507 --> 00:24:36,439
Why, how's that entertainment?
544
00:24:36,451 --> 00:24:37,487
It's funny, isn't it?
545
00:24:37,503 --> 00:24:40,511
Vanessa Feltz being hit by a real
wall, that would be entertainment.
546
00:24:41,427 --> 00:24:43,451
But it's not every day
you get to see someone really fat
547
00:24:43,467 --> 00:24:45,443
stuck into a really tight
lycra costume.
548
00:24:45,459 --> 00:24:46,499
Then, they get pushed
into the water.
549
00:24:46,515 --> 00:24:48,475
It's entertainment, Dad,
just face it.
550
00:24:48,491 --> 00:24:53,431
What, people who can't even work out
the shape they have to be
551
00:24:53,447 --> 00:24:55,495
to get through a large hole
in a wall?
552
00:24:55,507 --> 00:24:57,443
No. It's not that.
553
00:24:57,455 --> 00:24:58,523
But if they are sort of a metre wide
554
00:24:59,435 --> 00:25:00,511
and the gap is only like 50cm wide,
555
00:25:01,427 --> 00:25:02,515
then it's just, you know, physics
isn't it?
556
00:25:03,427 --> 00:25:04,475
They're not going to fit through.
557
00:25:04,491 --> 00:25:07,431
I'm not accepting
that that is physics, Jake.
558
00:25:07,447 --> 00:25:08,479
That's-
Well, maybe it's not physics.
559
00:25:08,491 --> 00:25:10,455
I couldn't think of what to call it.
560
00:25:10,471 --> 00:25:11,523
Cos you watch too many programs
like this.
561
00:25:12,435 --> 00:25:14,499
Oh, bring on the wall?
562
00:25:14,511 --> 00:25:17,427
Bring on early death.
563
00:25:17,443 --> 00:25:18,523
What else is on?
No, Dad, don't change.
564
00:25:19,439 --> 00:25:21,439
What's that?
565
00:25:21,451 --> 00:25:22,503
Doctor Who.
566
00:25:22,515 --> 00:25:24,451
That's not Doctor Who.
567
00:25:24,467 --> 00:25:26,451
Well, it's the making of Doctor Who,
same thing.
568
00:25:26,467 --> 00:25:29,427
Oh, no,
not another making-of program!
569
00:25:29,439 --> 00:25:30,507
Or you could have a chameleon,
570
00:25:30,523 --> 00:25:32,491
which looks like part of your beard
as well.
571
00:25:32,503 --> 00:25:34,439
You could have a scorpion
572
00:25:34,455 --> 00:25:37,451
and it just scuttles out
and goes like that. Phhhhoooo.
573
00:25:37,467 --> 00:25:41,443
So, you would fill your beard
with attack animals.
574
00:25:41,459 --> 00:25:45,451
Don't put that in your gun because
that is a dangerous missile.
575
00:25:45,467 --> 00:25:47,471
Right. If you fired that out,
it could really hurt someone.
576
00:25:47,487 --> 00:25:51,491
What happens if your hair grows
really really long,
577
00:25:51,503 --> 00:25:53,451
like down to your feet,
578
00:25:53,467 --> 00:25:55,491
and then it grows
its own personality
579
00:25:55,507 --> 00:25:57,495
and it starts attacking you
and controlling you?
580
00:25:59,519 --> 00:26:02,471
What is wrong
with making-of programs, Dad?
581
00:26:02,487 --> 00:26:04,491
Because television
is like a pork pie.
582
00:26:04,507 --> 00:26:07,447
They're fantastic but you don't want
to know what goes in them.
583
00:26:07,463 --> 00:26:09,435
But you just-
Let's see what else is on.
584
00:26:09,451 --> 00:26:11,427
Oh, Dad, why do you always
change the channel
585
00:26:11,443 --> 00:26:13,519
when something good comes on?
Oh. Spooks.
586
00:26:14,431 --> 00:26:15,507
That's a good show as well.
587
00:26:15,519 --> 00:26:17,495
It's not realistic.
588
00:26:17,511 --> 00:26:19,463
None of the agents
has ever got pissed
589
00:26:19,479 --> 00:26:21,475
and left a top-secret dossier
on a train.
590
00:26:21,487 --> 00:26:24,523
I've drawn some pictures of you.
591
00:26:25,435 --> 00:26:26,483
Right?
592
00:26:26,499 --> 00:26:29,503
They're of you playing tennis.
Lovely.
593
00:26:29,519 --> 00:26:32,519
This is you,
holding your tennis racquet.
594
00:26:33,431 --> 00:26:34,467
Oh, yes.
595
00:26:34,483 --> 00:26:36,507
And this is that man,
biting your friend's knee,
596
00:26:36,519 --> 00:26:39,475
and him saying, "Ouch, ouch, ouchy",
597
00:26:39,491 --> 00:26:42,427
although that's not actually
what he said.
598
00:26:42,443 --> 00:26:44,439
No, I know.
He actually said...
599
00:26:44,451 --> 00:26:46,447
What, what's that up in the sky?
600
00:26:46,463 --> 00:26:49,523
That's a dragon.
Being ridden by Barack Obama?
601
00:26:50,439 --> 00:26:52,435
Yes, he's coming
to arrest all of you.
602
00:26:52,447 --> 00:26:54,427
Right.
603
00:26:54,439 --> 00:26:56,439
Come on, Karen, time for bed.
604
00:26:56,451 --> 00:26:58,519
All right, all right, don't bang on.
605
00:26:59,431 --> 00:27:01,455
I wasn't banging on.
606
00:27:01,471 --> 00:27:03,467
You must have been.
607
00:27:07,483 --> 00:27:09,515
Real men don't fight.
608
00:27:10,431 --> 00:27:12,515
They're man enough
to control themselves.
609
00:27:13,431 --> 00:27:16,463
I didn't fight,
I was restraining them.
610
00:27:16,479 --> 00:27:19,427
Well, Ben says you gave this bloke
a crafty elbow in the ribs.
611
00:27:20,499 --> 00:27:26,451
That was an accidental collision
while I was restraining them.
612
00:27:26,463 --> 00:27:29,459
It's pathetic - four grown men.
613
00:27:29,471 --> 00:27:31,427
What are you watching?
614
00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:34,479
Erm, it's Simon Cowell being rude
to a mentally ill person.
615
00:27:34,495 --> 00:27:36,495
Oh, right.
616
00:27:36,511 --> 00:27:41,439
I tried having a word with Jake
about his attitude towards women
617
00:27:41,451 --> 00:27:43,491
and I'm so depressed
618
00:27:43,507 --> 00:27:46,487
by the way everybody
just automatically...
619
00:27:46,503 --> 00:27:48,503
slots themselves
620
00:27:48,519 --> 00:27:52,427
into these stupid
sexual stereotypes.
621
00:27:52,439 --> 00:27:53,507
It's prehistoric.
622
00:27:57,487 --> 00:27:59,455
Back as promised.
623
00:27:59,471 --> 00:28:02,439
I've actually got a copy
of what the council laughably call
624
00:28:02,451 --> 00:28:03,499
their "Traffic Calming Programme".
625
00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,479
Would you like me to talk you
through it?
626
00:28:07,451 --> 00:28:11,435
That's going to be too technical
for my girlie brain.
627
00:28:11,451 --> 00:28:13,479
This is man's talk,
I'll go and get my hubby.
628
00:28:13,491 --> 00:28:15,427
Oh.
629
00:28:15,439 --> 00:28:17,503
Pe-ter, it's for you, darling.
630
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:23,100
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