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[man] This just breaking now.
[music]
3
00:00:05,349 --> 00:00:07,557
President Trump's campaign
manager Paul Manafort
4
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:09,390
and his personal lawyer
Michael Cohen
5
00:00:09,474 --> 00:00:11,474
are each guilty
of eight criminal counts
6
00:00:11,557 --> 00:00:13,097
that will result in jail time.
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00:00:13,098 --> 00:00:15,265
You know, I always thought
this whole investigation
8
00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:16,224
was a nothing burger,
9
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:18,641
but now it's starting to
feel like a burger burger.
10
00:00:18,724 --> 00:00:20,807
Before this plane lands,
we need a response
11
00:00:20,890 --> 00:00:23,474
that isn't you pretending
you only speak Portuguese.
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00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:25,323
You're being compared to Nixon,
13
00:00:25,324 --> 00:00:28,365
and not just because of your
flop sweat and sexless marriage.
14
00:00:28,449 --> 00:00:29,740
Because of impeachment!
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00:00:29,741 --> 00:00:32,532
Hello. You can't impeach
a sitting president.
16
00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:35,281
- You're thinking of "indict."
- Wrong. I'm thinking of cake.
17
00:00:35,282 --> 00:00:37,616
Just stick to the message
that Cohen is a liar.
18
00:00:37,699 --> 00:00:39,364
Why am I dragging myself
into this?
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00:00:39,365 --> 00:00:41,699
See ya at the hearings!
20
00:00:41,782 --> 00:00:43,699
Just get Giuliani,
tell him to pump himself
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00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:45,990
full of Mountain Dew, sew
his mouth down the middle,
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00:00:46,073 --> 00:00:47,990
and say two things
at the same time.
23
00:00:48,073 --> 00:00:50,282
Sir, do you think it's a good
idea to put Rudy on TV?
24
00:00:50,365 --> 00:00:52,490
Okay, Rudy's on TV, everybody.
25
00:00:52,574 --> 00:00:55,115
There is no law in the jungle,
and that works okay.
26
00:00:55,198 --> 00:00:57,948
What, are you gonna throw all
the elephants behind bars?
27
00:00:58,032 --> 00:00:59,531
Prisons are crowded enough as it is!
28
00:00:59,532 --> 00:01:02,282
Do you think Robert Mueller
would give me immunity?
29
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[man] And more breaking news.
30
00:01:04,073 --> 00:01:06,198
During Michael Cohen's guilty plea,
31
00:01:06,282 --> 00:01:08,990
he said he committed crimes
at the behest of the President.
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[vomits]
Oy. Must be the turbulence
33
00:01:11,032 --> 00:01:12,741
and not the walls
closing in on me.
34
00:01:12,824 --> 00:01:15,159
- Sir, are you feeling all right?
- Oh, yeah.
35
00:01:15,194 --> 00:01:17,073
Uh, hey, is this plane getting smaller?
36
00:01:17,157 --> 00:01:20,407
Because this fuselage feels
like a drinking straw. [vomits]
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00:01:20,490 --> 00:01:23,741
I hate to say the obvious,
but have we thought about a ...
38
00:01:23,824 --> 00:01:25,524
War! Oh, my God!
Of course!
39
00:01:25,532 --> 00:01:27,324
What are you thinking?
Croatia?
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00:01:27,407 --> 00:01:29,107
Iceland?
They got Muslims there, right?
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00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,282
We'll find out when
we dig through the rubble.
42
00:01:31,365 --> 00:01:34,532
That's my cue. I can't lie
about what I don't know!
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Oh, God.
I need legal advice.
44
00:01:37,115 --> 00:01:39,365
You know who's just the lawyer
to help me out of this jam?
45
00:01:39,449 --> 00:01:40,636
Michael Cohen.
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Darn it!
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00:01:42,188 --> 00:01:43,607
[title music]
48
00:01:43,657 --> 00:01:45,449
Melania! The fly is back!
49
00:01:45,532 --> 00:01:47,114
[Melania] Shut up, you big baby!
50
00:01:47,115 --> 00:01:50,090
1x17 - Militarization
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00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:54,027
America is full of everyday heroes ...
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00:01:54,110 --> 00:01:57,360
policemen, firefighters,
wounded veterans ...
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00:01:57,444 --> 00:02:01,027
and the oft-forgotten,
but most important of all,
54
00:02:01,110 --> 00:02:04,318
our glistening
'80s action movie stars!
55
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- [man] Whoo!
- The movie? Bloodsport.
56
00:02:06,861 --> 00:02:09,193
The year? 1988.
57
00:02:09,277 --> 00:02:13,235
Elite American super soldier
Jean-Claude Van Damme
58
00:02:13,318 --> 00:02:15,527
is kicking the shit out of
some Chinese guys and ...
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00:02:15,610 --> 00:02:18,902
Sir, there's been a train
derailment outside Kansas City.
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00:02:18,986 --> 00:02:21,736
Hello? I'm in the
middle of something!
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00:02:21,819 --> 00:02:27,527
Anyways, put your hands together
for the stars of Bloodsport!
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00:02:27,610 --> 00:02:30,318
[clapping]
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00:02:30,402 --> 00:02:35,169
I said, "Da-da-da-DAA!
Bloodsport!"
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00:02:36,402 --> 00:02:40,193
I ask you to reunite one simple
kung-fu cast, and you don't.
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00:02:40,277 --> 00:02:42,318
I ask you to make
the Blue Angels skywrite
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00:02:42,402 --> 00:02:44,110
my security briefings, and you don't.
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00:02:44,193 --> 00:02:45,818
If you would like to blame me, sir,
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00:02:45,819 --> 00:02:48,152
I'm always looking for an
excuse to self-flagellate.
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00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:49,735
Sir, we would do what you say,
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00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:52,110
but some of your quirkier ideas
either don't make sense
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00:02:52,193 --> 00:02:54,318
or violate the Geneva Conventions.
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00:02:54,402 --> 00:02:57,235
Your job isn't to decide
if what I say makes sense.
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00:02:57,318 --> 00:02:59,018
Your job is to do what I say.
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00:02:59,068 --> 00:03:02,185
If I say, "Jump," you say,
"Here's the cast of Bloodsport."
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00:03:02,393 --> 00:03:06,901
President Trump's Bloodsport fail
has Americans wondering,
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00:03:06,902 --> 00:03:10,402
"Will Trump's lack of control
collapse his administration?"
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00:03:10,485 --> 00:03:12,652
Okay? And on the day
he leaves office,
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00:03:12,736 --> 00:03:14,819
will I dissociate from reality
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00:03:14,902 --> 00:03:18,736
or finally take that cooking class
or a combination of the two
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00:03:18,819 --> 00:03:20,819
that ends with a Sur
La Table chef wrestling
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00:03:20,820 --> 00:03:22,819
a meat cleaver from my hands?
Watch this space.
82
00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:25,027
- Melania!
- What?
83
00:03:25,110 --> 00:03:28,444
I was right in the middle of
not spending time with you.
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00:03:28,527 --> 00:03:30,902
Do you ever feel like
you're not in control?
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00:03:30,986 --> 00:03:33,777
The last time I felt
in control was 1995
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00:03:33,861 --> 00:03:35,819
when the stewardess
on my flight to America
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00:03:35,902 --> 00:03:38,068
asked if I would like
chicken or pasta.
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00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:40,068
My father controlled
everything I did ...
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00:03:40,152 --> 00:03:41,852
which school I went to,
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00:03:41,902 --> 00:03:44,152
which lead pipe I threatened
the tenants with,
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- and I thought it was my time.
- You're totally in control.
92
00:03:47,986 --> 00:03:50,444
Then why does my staff ignore
my reasonable instructions
93
00:03:50,527 --> 00:03:52,777
to let Mike Ditka crash
in the Situation Room?
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00:03:52,861 --> 00:03:54,192
I said you're in control!
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00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:56,944
Now go to sleep,
you big leathery baby!
96
00:03:57,027 --> 00:03:59,027
But I'm not tired!
97
00:03:59,310 --> 00:04:01,819
So, I'm watching Bloodsport ...
98
00:04:01,902 --> 00:04:03,526
Hannity's picture-in-picture,
of course,
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so he can watch the movie, too ...
and I'm thinking,
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00:04:06,624 --> 00:04:08,360
the sensei tells Jean-Claude Van Damme
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to do something, and he does it.
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00:04:10,193 --> 00:04:14,152
If you guys did that for me, I'd
promote all of you to Vice President.
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00:04:14,235 --> 00:04:16,527
I could use the help
appearing at funerals
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00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:18,527
the deceased barred you
from attending.
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00:04:18,610 --> 00:04:21,193
If you want to get your
administration under control,
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you got to supercharge that military.
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- Oh, my God.
- Broken record.
108
00:04:24,944 --> 00:04:27,027
- Oh, Lordy.
- Hey, Rambo grew a mustache.
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00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:29,985
John, you're a nut.
Like I'm gonna turn my government
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00:04:29,986 --> 00:04:31,777
into some kind of military regime.
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00:04:31,861 --> 00:04:34,318
Hey, multiple generals,
get a load of this guy!
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I'm serious!
Taxpayers pay for black helicopters,
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and they deserve to see them
menacing their homes.
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00:04:40,527 --> 00:04:43,852
Big talk coming from someone
who's never been in a war.
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00:04:43,861 --> 00:04:45,819
How am I supposed to
enjoy watching a war
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if I'm busy being in it?
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00:04:47,444 --> 00:04:49,861
I've thought about
this idea for 12 seconds,
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00:04:49,944 --> 00:04:51,568
and I've decided it's a no-go
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00:04:51,569 --> 00:04:53,610
that's taking up
my precious mental energy.
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00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:56,193
Now if you'll excuse me,
I got to play out a feud
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00:04:56,277 --> 00:04:58,360
with Mandy Patinkin in my head.
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? Three white people on a couch ?
123
00:05:00,777 --> 00:05:02,902
? It's Fox & Friends ?
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00:05:02,986 --> 00:05:05,986
And the ICE agent detained
the entire quincea�era
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00:05:06,068 --> 00:05:08,152
before the first
slice of cake was cut.
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00:05:08,235 --> 00:05:10,318
I wish I had a bus that big!
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00:05:10,402 --> 00:05:12,102
That's Fox & Friends for this morning.
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00:05:12,152 --> 00:05:14,755
Join us tomorrow when we meet
a man who paints the American
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00:05:14,756 --> 00:05:17,359
flag on people's houses
whether they like it or not.
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00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,060
- And we're out.
- You won't believe
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00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,651
what happened to me last night.
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You gave your housekeeper
the night off for her birthday?
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00:05:23,318 --> 00:05:24,672
I was in the Lower East Side
134
00:05:24,673 --> 00:05:27,609
getting a late-night cup of joe
so I could avoid sleep
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00:05:27,610 --> 00:05:28,776
and the torturous dreams
that come with it.
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00:05:28,777 --> 00:05:32,902
- I hear that!
- But this SJW barista wouldn't serve me,
137
00:05:32,986 --> 00:05:35,694
even though they'd only
been closed for 45 minutes!
138
00:05:35,777 --> 00:05:38,360
I yelled at her so hard,
you'd have thought she was
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00:05:38,444 --> 00:05:41,568
a lesbian couple not pulling out
of a parking space quick enough.
140
00:05:41,569 --> 00:05:43,944
And you know something?
It felt great!
141
00:05:44,027 --> 00:05:46,902
It's too bad we never get to
have violent tirades on air.
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00:05:46,986 --> 00:05:48,736
I want to show my range ...
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00:05:48,819 --> 00:05:51,444
everything from joyful sadism
to angry sadism.
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00:05:51,527 --> 00:05:53,444
I don't even know
how to scream anymore.
145
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:56,527
Aa-u-uh!
Is that the scream?
146
00:05:56,810 --> 00:06:00,735
[Sanders] Sir, it's time we discuss
the logistics of your military parade.
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00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:04,652
By "military," I meant the usual
streamers and sassy outfits,
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00:06:04,736 --> 00:06:06,694
just with more people
tearfully saluting me.
149
00:06:06,777 --> 00:06:08,819
We've prepared
a half-dozen flyovers,
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00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,610
a couple of military reunions,
all heterosexual, of course,
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00:06:11,694 --> 00:06:14,318
and a float in honor of
Lee Greenwood's discography.
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00:06:14,402 --> 00:06:16,391
Wow!
Is there anything left in the budget?
153
00:06:16,402 --> 00:06:18,102
- $30 million.
- Jesus!
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00:06:18,152 --> 00:06:20,694
That's more than I'm wor...
a percentage of what I'm worth.
155
00:06:20,777 --> 00:06:24,736
It would be quite the gesture
to donate the rest to the VA.
156
00:06:24,819 --> 00:06:26,861
Don't be cute.
Let's flood Dupont Circle
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00:06:26,944 --> 00:06:30,360
- and get some submarines in there.
- Sir, to combat protesters,
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00:06:30,444 --> 00:06:32,144
we've lined the streets
with mace cannons,
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00:06:32,193 --> 00:06:35,193
which we will demonstrate now
with a masochistic volunteer.
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00:06:35,277 --> 00:06:38,819
I, an SJW, find violent
regime change triggering!
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00:06:38,902 --> 00:06:40,276
[screaming]
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00:06:40,277 --> 00:06:42,944
[coughing]
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00:06:43,027 --> 00:06:44,727
I am finally alive!
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00:06:44,777 --> 00:06:46,902
[music]
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00:06:46,986 --> 00:06:48,151
? Hannity! ?
166
00:06:48,152 --> 00:06:49,944
President Trump, if you're watching ...
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00:06:50,027 --> 00:06:51,777
and the fizzy sensation in my nipples
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00:06:51,861 --> 00:06:54,235
tells me you are ...
I have great news.
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00:06:54,318 --> 00:06:57,360
The cast of Bloodsport
is hog-tied in my trunk,
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00:06:57,444 --> 00:06:59,944
ready to lead your military parade!
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00:07:00,027 --> 00:07:04,569
I am fed, diapered, and eager
to zigzag 120 miles an hour
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00:07:04,652 --> 00:07:06,527
down the turnpike straight
to the White House!
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00:07:06,610 --> 00:07:08,444
- Thanks, Sean!
- For the remaining
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00:07:08,527 --> 00:07:11,068
55 minutes of the broadcast,
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00:07:11,152 --> 00:07:13,819
here's beautiful, hypnotic
footage of obedient marching.
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00:07:13,902 --> 00:07:15,526
[music]
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00:07:15,527 --> 00:07:19,277
Wow. Despite being 50%
blueberry pie filling,
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00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,819
my boy Kim Jong-un knows how
to bend humans to his will.
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00:07:22,902 --> 00:07:24,610
[music]
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00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:26,569
[grunting]
Come on! Almost!
181
00:07:26,652 --> 00:07:28,067
- Come on!
- Bolton, what are you doing?
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00:07:28,068 --> 00:07:29,693
Oh, hey, Mr. President.
183
00:07:29,694 --> 00:07:32,402
Just trying to jimmy open
the ol' nuclear football.
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00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:34,444
You might have a point
about this military thing.
185
00:07:34,527 --> 00:07:37,359
I get to be on the last float
of the army parade dressed as Santa.
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00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:41,402
Making America a military wonderland
would be a beautiful thing.
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00:07:41,485 --> 00:07:43,109
Did you know that
some toll booths
188
00:07:43,110 --> 00:07:45,402
aren't even armed with
machine-gun turrets yet?
189
00:07:45,485 --> 00:07:50,027
John, let's make America one
big military parade in my honor.
190
00:07:50,110 --> 00:07:52,277
Do we have a chief commander
who can run this whole thing?
191
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,444
We have a Commander-in-Chief.
192
00:07:54,527 --> 00:07:56,944
I have a picture of him right here.
193
00:07:57,027 --> 00:07:59,777
[gasps]
I'm Commander-in Chief?
194
00:07:59,861 --> 00:08:03,401
Of course, ya big goof!
You run the military!
195
00:08:03,402 --> 00:08:05,569
Whatever you tell them
to do, they do it.
196
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,436
[whimsical music]
197
00:08:07,709 --> 00:08:10,500
? Wanna rule your nation? ?
198
00:08:10,584 --> 00:08:13,250
? Militarization ?
199
00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:15,167
? Puts you in control ?
200
00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:19,584
? You could end the Mueller
investigation ?
201
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:22,626
? No more legislation ?
202
00:08:22,709 --> 00:08:25,417
? No more immigration ?
203
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:27,200
? If you don't like the press ?
204
00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:31,999
? Make violent arrests
at the TV stations ?
205
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:35,208
? Move the Capitol
to Mar-a-Lago ?
206
00:08:35,292 --> 00:08:38,499
- ? And make princes of your sons ?
- Hell yeah!
207
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:41,292
? Have some tanks patrol Chicago ?
208
00:08:41,375 --> 00:08:44,500
? Arm your meter maids
with machine guns ?
209
00:08:44,584 --> 00:08:45,833
[imitating gunshots]
210
00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:48,250
Well, you shouldn't have parked there!
211
00:08:48,334 --> 00:08:50,917
? Bomb a sovereign nation ?
212
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,083
? Skip the explanation ?
213
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:58,584
? Rule until you're dead
and never leave your bed ?
214
00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:02,292
? With militarization ?
215
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,834
[laughs]
216
00:09:05,917 --> 00:09:07,291
All right. Sounds good.
217
00:09:07,292 --> 00:09:11,584
[music]
218
00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:15,542
We've already injected the military
into everyday American life ...
219
00:09:15,626 --> 00:09:17,792
camouflaged school
resource officers,
220
00:09:17,876 --> 00:09:21,417
camouflaged traffic police,
TSA agents in camo.
221
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,417
But we can do more
222
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:26,792
and urge Congress to pass
the Military Expansion Act,
223
00:09:26,876 --> 00:09:29,292
which would arm health
inspectors with hand grenades,
224
00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:31,937
teach toddlers in swim classes
how to silently rise from
225
00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:35,250
the water with a knife
between their teeth, and so on.
226
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:37,500
And the best part is all orders
227
00:09:37,584 --> 00:09:40,208
will efficiently come
from the President, me!
228
00:09:40,292 --> 00:09:41,625
[man] Whoo!
229
00:09:41,626 --> 00:09:43,375
I don't know this guy, but I love him!
230
00:09:43,459 --> 00:09:47,417
Will all due respect, get bent,
you jingoist war-cow!
231
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:50,751
I've never served my country,
and I'm not about to start.
232
00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:53,709
[chuckles] H-hey, I get that
some of you might be nervous
233
00:09:53,792 --> 00:09:56,083
about irrevocably
altering our government.
234
00:09:56,167 --> 00:10:00,250
But let me reassure you,
dissenters will be executed.
235
00:10:01,417 --> 00:10:02,625
[man] Whoo?
236
00:10:02,626 --> 00:10:04,459
[music]
237
00:10:04,542 --> 00:10:06,250
Sean, our full-scale military coup
238
00:10:06,334 --> 00:10:08,292
is bound to have
hippy-dippy dissenters,
239
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:11,666
- so I need media reinforcement.
- Say no more.
240
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:15,208
When one of your newly armed teachers
accidentally shoots a class bird,
241
00:10:15,292 --> 00:10:18,792
I will do 90 minutes on the
Clinton Foundation's love affair
242
00:10:18,876 --> 00:10:20,876
- with al-Baghdadi.
- Perfect.
243
00:10:20,958 --> 00:10:23,667
Now, those Fox & Friends guys,
I love 'em to death,
244
00:10:23,751 --> 00:10:26,250
but they're not exactly state-run TV.
245
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:27,875
I need you to froth
'em up for me, buddy.
246
00:10:27,876 --> 00:10:29,625
When I am done with them,
247
00:10:29,626 --> 00:10:33,584
they'll be spewing fire and the
occasional national weather report.
248
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,751
Oh, yeah, gotta have
the weather report.
249
00:10:36,334 --> 00:10:39,292
As requested for your military parade,
250
00:10:39,375 --> 00:10:42,374
we're giving the Washington Mall
a much-needed makeover.
251
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,375
Behold!
252
00:10:44,459 --> 00:10:46,709
Oh, what I wouldn't give
to nest in that nostril.
253
00:10:46,792 --> 00:10:48,500
Does PEZ come out of the mouth?
254
00:10:48,584 --> 00:10:50,667
Shut up, Eric!
Does PEZ come out of it, Dad?
255
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,834
If it doesn't, someone screwed up.
256
00:10:52,917 --> 00:10:54,958
And why didn't we replace
the Lincoln Memorial
257
00:10:55,042 --> 00:10:56,792
with a bronze of me in a hammock?
258
00:10:56,876 --> 00:10:59,584
For some reason, Congressional
Democrats blocked it, sir.
259
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:02,584
You try and try
to be a good dictator,
260
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:05,042
and some people make it so difficult.
261
00:11:05,125 --> 00:11:07,334
? Three white people on a couch ?
262
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,667
? It's Fox & Friends ?
263
00:11:09,751 --> 00:11:12,709
Good morning!
It's Fox & Friends!
264
00:11:12,792 --> 00:11:14,492
How is your morning, Girl Brian?
265
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,499
I found a puppy tied outside a diner
and claimed it as my own!
266
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:19,200
And you didn't even
have to buy a soup!
267
00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:20,750
What a deal!
268
00:11:20,751 --> 00:11:22,709
Okay, that wasn't Fox & Friends.
269
00:11:22,792 --> 00:11:25,083
That was Fox and
Fry My Eyeballs.
270
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:28,751
From now on, this show's
gonna be loud, proud, and LOUD!
271
00:11:28,834 --> 00:11:31,125
You're in luck, because tomorrow
we've got a performance
272
00:11:31,208 --> 00:11:33,334
from the Liberty University
Straight Men's Chorus.
273
00:11:33,417 --> 00:11:35,334
Is your brain made of
fish-tank pebbles, Steve?
274
00:11:35,417 --> 00:11:36,896
I want you so fired up,
275
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:39,875
your viewers' dogs bark
until they pass out!
276
00:11:39,876 --> 00:11:42,334
- So no more puffy language?
- No more smiling?
277
00:11:42,417 --> 00:11:44,117
Your dimples are fired.
278
00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:47,751
Your script will be all caps
and will be read that way.
279
00:11:47,834 --> 00:11:49,207
- Finally!
- Fin-al-ly!
280
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:50,908
Finally!
Little lag there.
281
00:11:50,917 --> 00:11:52,834
Time to take my brain
to the Geek Squad.
282
00:11:52,917 --> 00:11:56,791
[Bolton] Don't worry about
Democratic resistance, Mr. President.
283
00:11:56,792 --> 00:11:59,292
They've never heard of
the burrito strategy.
284
00:11:59,375 --> 00:12:00,957
What's the burrito strategy?
285
00:12:00,958 --> 00:12:03,000
I eat a burrito and then
I eat another burrito?
286
00:12:03,083 --> 00:12:05,792
Whenever Congress believes
our nation is under attack,
287
00:12:05,876 --> 00:12:07,792
they cede power to the White House.
288
00:12:07,876 --> 00:12:10,208
Gulf of Tonkin, USS Maine.
289
00:12:10,292 --> 00:12:13,751
We start this burrito fire
and let the revolution begin!
290
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,876
Do I get to eat
the burrito afterward?
291
00:12:15,958 --> 00:12:18,917
- It'll be a pile of black ash.
- Answer the question.
292
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,958
[Hannity] Okay, repeat after me.
293
00:12:21,042 --> 00:12:24,626
"I'm glad that immigrant doctor
was dragged off that bus!"
294
00:12:24,709 --> 00:12:27,416
[all] I'm glad that immigrant
doctor was dragged off that bus!
295
00:12:27,417 --> 00:12:28,916
Ooh! Dr. Bus!
296
00:12:28,917 --> 00:12:31,208
Jesus, you're all
softer than a kitty cat
297
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,542
choking on a dryer sheet ...
so cute!
298
00:12:33,626 --> 00:12:35,667
We're trying, Sean,
but outwardly expressing
299
00:12:35,751 --> 00:12:38,334
our internalized anger is so new to us.
300
00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:41,751
- Our rage is candy-coated.
- Our show is like a fun airline.
301
00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:43,834
Our viewers are the passengers,
302
00:12:43,917 --> 00:12:46,500
and I'm the stewardess
rapping about seat belts.
303
00:12:46,584 --> 00:12:49,459
Then let's do it "method."
Stanislavski!
304
00:12:49,542 --> 00:12:52,751
Doocy, you think of that
barista refusing you caffeine.
305
00:12:52,834 --> 00:12:56,500
Ainsley, think of your employers
accidentally calling you "Greta."
306
00:12:56,584 --> 00:13:00,751
Brian, think about thinking.
Now try it again! [all inhale deeply]
307
00:13:00,834 --> 00:13:02,584
[both, angrily] I'm glad that immigrant
doctor was dragged off that bus!
308
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:05,334
RUN THAT ILLEGAL OVER
WITH THE BUS!
309
00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:07,958
Like music to my big, fat ears.
310
00:13:08,092 --> 00:13:12,142
[President Trump] Today's burrito fire
is America's darkest hour,
311
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,434
a crime against humanity
312
00:13:14,517 --> 00:13:18,517
surely committed by
a combination of ISIS, MS-13,
313
00:13:18,601 --> 00:13:21,517
and El Yummo Rico's
Frozen Chimichangas.
314
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,476
To respond swiftly and completely,
315
00:13:23,559 --> 00:13:25,684
we must fold all three
government branches
316
00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:29,142
into one big Trump galactic
military empire branch.
317
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,567
[Congress boos]
[woman] Eat my ass!
318
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:34,918
Democracy prevails!
The blue wave is coming!
319
00:13:35,002 --> 00:13:38,586
In no less than six years,
that Oval Office is ours.
320
00:13:38,668 --> 00:13:41,044
Oh, ho!
Hit 'em with it, Trumpy!
321
00:13:41,127 --> 00:13:43,294
I am so sorry.
322
00:13:43,377 --> 00:13:47,419
I completely forgot you guys
don't support the troops.
323
00:13:47,502 --> 00:13:49,168
[all murmuring ] [man] Oh, no.
The troops? Of course we do.
324
00:13:49,169 --> 00:13:51,918
- Son of a bitch.
- I support the troops!
325
00:13:51,919 --> 00:13:54,376
I-I swear to God!
I'll vote for anything!
326
00:13:54,377 --> 00:13:55,418
[applause]
327
00:13:55,419 --> 00:13:59,535
Oh, you do support the troops.
Yay!
328
00:13:59,544 --> 00:14:02,002
? THREE WHITE PEOPLE
ON A COUCH ?
329
00:14:02,085 --> 00:14:05,252
? IT'S FOX & FRIENDS ?
330
00:14:05,336 --> 00:14:09,002
And after that 15-minute moment
of rage-fueled silence
331
00:14:09,085 --> 00:14:13,544
to honor our glorious flag, let's kick
off Donald Trump's military parade!
332
00:14:13,627 --> 00:14:16,252
Rise and salute or be buried alive!
333
00:14:16,336 --> 00:14:18,127
[screams]
334
00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:19,751
[applause]
335
00:14:19,752 --> 00:14:21,793
[Earhardt] Now please
put your hands together
336
00:14:21,877 --> 00:14:25,002
for the War Mongers
Who Never Served float!
337
00:14:25,085 --> 00:14:26,960
- Is that a Smurf?!
- No!
338
00:14:27,044 --> 00:14:30,210
It's a balloon featuring
Internment Camp Blueprints.
339
00:14:30,294 --> 00:14:32,668
Don't forget, folks ...
tonight at sunset,
340
00:14:32,752 --> 00:14:35,710
it's the Flashback-Inducing
Fireworks Display!
341
00:14:35,793 --> 00:14:38,877
And here comes our brave,
noble, fashion-forward
342
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,704
Commander-in-Chief himself,
343
00:14:40,805 --> 00:14:42,627
Donald J. ... Trump!
344
00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:44,627
[cheers and applause]
345
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,685
Everyone's finally listening to me,
346
00:14:47,768 --> 00:14:50,394
and not just because they have
a tank pointed at their heads.
347
00:14:50,477 --> 00:14:53,102
Now, who wants to fire a cannon
and see what happens?!
348
00:14:53,186 --> 00:14:54,886
[cheers and applause]
349
00:14:58,394 --> 00:15:01,186
Holy shit! We blew up
the Library of Congress!
350
00:15:01,269 --> 00:15:03,436
[cheers grow louder]
351
00:15:03,518 --> 00:15:07,436
I am just so happy that America
is on the path to peace,
352
00:15:07,518 --> 00:15:10,518
the peace that comes with death.
[cheering]
353
00:15:10,602 --> 00:15:13,685
Very soon we will march
our armies across the globe
354
00:15:13,768 --> 00:15:15,602
for a new cold war.
355
00:15:15,685 --> 00:15:18,977
Trench foot's back, baby,
and it's smellier than ever!
356
00:15:19,060 --> 00:15:22,935
[aggressive cheering]
357
00:15:23,019 --> 00:15:25,060
That was the best day of my life
358
00:15:25,144 --> 00:15:26,767
since I paid off that drone pilot
359
00:15:26,768 --> 00:15:29,602
to vaporize my neighbor's
gaudy deck umbrella.
360
00:15:29,685 --> 00:15:31,768
Hey, John, all that war stuff?
361
00:15:31,852 --> 00:15:34,394
It was just some harmless
violent mob stoking, right?
362
00:15:34,477 --> 00:15:36,177
Nope!
The plan's always been
363
00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:38,810
to fit every single
American with a uniform
364
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:41,685
- then invade the planet.
- Oh. Okay.
365
00:15:41,768 --> 00:15:44,560
I kinda thought this was to get
my staff to listen to me.
366
00:15:44,643 --> 00:15:47,311
We did listen to you,
and that's why high schools
367
00:15:47,394 --> 00:15:49,311
now only offer one
foreign-language class ...
368
00:15:49,394 --> 00:15:52,101
- wind-talking.
- But isn't war muddy?
369
00:15:52,102 --> 00:15:54,144
I mean, everyone's trying
to save Matt Damon,
370
00:15:54,227 --> 00:15:55,935
but they get
the wrong Matt Damon,
371
00:15:56,019 --> 00:15:58,227
then you run out of popcorn
in the middle of the war,
372
00:15:58,311 --> 00:15:59,684
and you have to go get more,
373
00:15:59,685 --> 00:16:02,352
but they stopped making
popcorn at 10:45 p.m.
374
00:16:02,436 --> 00:16:04,311
Basically, isn't war hell?
375
00:16:04,394 --> 00:16:06,002
- War.
- War!
376
00:16:06,186 --> 00:16:07,919
- War!
- War!
377
00:16:08,102 --> 00:16:09,501
- War!
- War!
378
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:14,810
[all chanting]
War! War! War!
379
00:16:15,194 --> 00:16:18,185
- GREAT SHOW!
- BRIAN KILMEADE!
380
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,886
[screams]
381
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,310
[all screaming]
382
00:16:21,311 --> 00:16:23,894
Hey, guys, is anyone
feeling a little on edge?
383
00:16:23,977 --> 00:16:25,810
Yeah.
To get out all my anger,
384
00:16:25,894 --> 00:16:28,227
I had to join a backyard
wrestling league.
385
00:16:28,311 --> 00:16:30,602
I chased down Ainsley's
new dog and ate it.
386
00:16:30,685 --> 00:16:34,136
- So that's how he died.
- Yes, I ate the dog.
387
00:16:34,186 --> 00:16:35,886
I thought I would like being angry,
388
00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:37,768
but it's turning me
into a real wackadoodle.
389
00:16:37,852 --> 00:16:40,352
I miss calling
Kirsten Gillibrand a Muslim
390
00:16:40,436 --> 00:16:42,810
with a smile so big, my veneers fuse.
391
00:16:42,894 --> 00:16:44,602
[music]
392
00:16:44,685 --> 00:16:47,394
We all agree we should bomb
the Middle East,
393
00:16:47,477 --> 00:16:48,809
but did you know there's a place
394
00:16:48,810 --> 00:16:51,810
with even more resources
and villagers?
395
00:16:51,894 --> 00:16:54,852
China! It's time they
answer for our debts.
396
00:16:54,935 --> 00:16:58,602
- What the hell are you suggesting?
- Asian Invasion, baby!
397
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,768
It makes sense, and it rhymes,
398
00:17:00,852 --> 00:17:02,977
so you know we're gonna
sell a ton of merch.
399
00:17:03,060 --> 00:17:05,518
China? I-Isn't that where
Bloodsport was filmed?
400
00:17:05,602 --> 00:17:07,560
Hey, Donald, why
don't you wait outside
401
00:17:07,643 --> 00:17:09,518
until we finish planning this war?
402
00:17:09,602 --> 00:17:12,019
Then we'll invite you back in
when the pens come out.
403
00:17:12,102 --> 00:17:15,186
- I wanna stay!
- And I want to invade China.
404
00:17:15,269 --> 00:17:18,102
We can't all have what
we want, except for me.
405
00:17:18,186 --> 00:17:21,227
And although his hot tub
might be full of algae,
406
00:17:21,311 --> 00:17:25,144
that old man found solace
knowing his pool boy was deported.
407
00:17:25,227 --> 00:17:28,144
When we come back, your son
looks completely normal.
408
00:17:28,227 --> 00:17:30,976
- Is he on drugs?
- And the Liberty University
409
00:17:30,977 --> 00:17:33,560
Straight Men's Choir
sings a requiem to my dog.
410
00:17:33,643 --> 00:17:34,851
- I ate the dog.
- Clear!
411
00:17:34,852 --> 00:17:36,143
What the hell was that?!
412
00:17:36,144 --> 00:17:38,935
Ainsley, you barely talked
above 60 decibels!
413
00:17:39,019 --> 00:17:40,469
And, Doocy, when you said,
414
00:17:40,470 --> 00:17:43,018
"Michael Avenatti is holding
Desmond Tutu hostage,"
415
00:17:43,019 --> 00:17:45,311
your face didn't even turn gray!
416
00:17:45,394 --> 00:17:47,643
Sean, we decided
we have to do us,
417
00:17:47,727 --> 00:17:50,352
which is you but with
less-dilated pupils.
418
00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:54,186
I berated demeaning
instructions at you for hours,
419
00:17:54,269 --> 00:17:55,969
and this is how you repay me?!
420
00:17:56,019 --> 00:17:57,935
Are you gonna shatter
that camera lens
421
00:17:58,019 --> 00:17:59,768
with conspiracy-fueled screaming,
422
00:17:59,852 --> 00:18:02,060
or should I find three other stooges
423
00:18:02,144 --> 00:18:05,229
to be the President's
daytime mouthpiece?!
424
00:18:05,436 --> 00:18:09,385
I have my answer.
Good luck to you all.
425
00:18:09,394 --> 00:18:10,976
Aw! Good luck!
426
00:18:10,977 --> 00:18:12,477
[music]
427
00:18:12,627 --> 00:18:15,402
All I wanted was a little
more control in my life,
428
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:16,901
and what I got was a World War
429
00:18:16,902 --> 00:18:20,902
with the people who make my ties.
My poor little ties.
430
00:18:20,986 --> 00:18:23,944
You thought the nation was just
gonna lift a bunch of weights
431
00:18:24,027 --> 00:18:26,860
and not want to punch a sleeping
homeless person on the subway?
432
00:18:26,944 --> 00:18:29,652
Tell you what,
we wipe China off the map,
433
00:18:29,735 --> 00:18:33,193
and afterwards, if you don't like it,
we'll never do it again.
434
00:18:33,194 --> 00:18:35,819
I said no!
And you have to listen to me!
435
00:18:35,902 --> 00:18:37,944
I'm the Commander-in-Chief.
436
00:18:38,027 --> 00:18:40,236
No.
I'm the Commander-in-Chief.
437
00:18:40,318 --> 00:18:42,527
- Look.
- Heh! Nice try, John.
438
00:18:42,610 --> 00:18:44,986
I've looked at every reflective
surface I've ever passed,
439
00:18:45,069 --> 00:18:46,317
so I know that's a mirror.
440
00:18:46,318 --> 00:18:48,819
The wheels of war are turning,
441
00:18:48,902 --> 00:18:51,527
and if you want to stop them,
it's going to take work.
442
00:18:51,610 --> 00:18:55,443
- Is that what you want? Work?
- No. I guess not.
443
00:18:55,527 --> 00:18:58,646
[suspenseful music]
444
00:19:00,667 --> 00:19:04,249
Sir, I got a new stack of war
declarations for you to consider.
445
00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:05,666
This one would flatten Germany,
446
00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:07,458
justified by their
previous track record.
447
00:19:07,542 --> 00:19:09,458
And this one's to napalm Mt. Everest
448
00:19:09,542 --> 00:19:12,875
and make the unrecognized state
of Tibet even more unrecognizable.
449
00:19:12,876 --> 00:19:14,792
Why can't we just do a civil war?
450
00:19:14,876 --> 00:19:16,249
Everyone's already armed,
451
00:19:16,250 --> 00:19:18,042
people could still have dinner
with their families.
452
00:19:18,126 --> 00:19:20,584
Ugh, Sarah, can you
get me some KFC?
453
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:23,292
Unfortunately, they've become
a weapons manufacturer ...
454
00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:25,417
"Kentucky Fieldwork Cluster-munitions."
455
00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:26,958
If it's any consolation,
456
00:19:26,959 --> 00:19:29,333
they still have the same code
to use their bathroom.
457
00:19:29,417 --> 00:19:30,833
You don't need those guys!
You don't need 'em!
458
00:19:30,834 --> 00:19:32,457
You're Stevie Nicks, baby.
459
00:19:32,458 --> 00:19:35,126
You can do it all with the power
of Hannity and Friends.
460
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,208
[man] In three, two, one.
461
00:19:37,292 --> 00:19:38,992
[Hannity] Three white
people on a couch.
462
00:19:39,001 --> 00:19:40,374
It's Fox & Friends.
463
00:19:40,375 --> 00:19:42,709
Welcome back to Fox & Friends.
464
00:19:42,792 --> 00:19:44,500
That's right!
It's Hannity!
465
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,792
And filling in for
those bloodless traitors
466
00:19:46,876 --> 00:19:49,417
are my spiritually conjoined twins,
467
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:52,042
Sebastian Gorka
and Alex Jones.
468
00:19:52,126 --> 00:19:55,375
Good dawn, Sean!
It is I, Gorka!
469
00:19:55,458 --> 00:19:57,375
Sunlight is poison, okay?!
470
00:19:57,458 --> 00:20:00,834
And my Alpha Power pills
are the only cure!
471
00:20:00,917 --> 00:20:03,126
Temperate weather today
in the Northeast,
472
00:20:03,208 --> 00:20:05,500
all but confirming
that "Climate Change"
473
00:20:05,584 --> 00:20:08,959
is a liberal myth perpetuated
by Janeane Garofalo!
474
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:12,959
I'll go one further, Sean,
and say mild weather is the beginning
475
00:20:13,042 --> 00:20:16,750
of the long-prophesied
solar flare of Attila
476
00:20:16,834 --> 00:20:20,667
that will darken and cool
the Earth for a thousand annus!
477
00:20:20,750 --> 00:20:24,750
Seasons are a simulation,
the equator is flat,
478
00:20:24,834 --> 00:20:26,959
and the Earth is a spinning disk
479
00:20:27,042 --> 00:20:29,667
that will soon be engulfed
by interdimensional warlocks!
480
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:33,001
We have confirmation
from reddit's manga page!
481
00:20:33,084 --> 00:20:34,583
Whew!
Pace yourself, guys.
482
00:20:34,584 --> 00:20:36,249
We got three hours.
Come on.
483
00:20:36,250 --> 00:20:39,001
Coming up, our ethno-crepes
cooking segment
484
00:20:39,084 --> 00:20:43,472
hosted by Stephen Miller
and a shackled Bobby Flay.
485
00:20:43,507 --> 00:20:45,709
[laughs evilly]
486
00:20:45,792 --> 00:20:48,002
? IT'S FOX FRIENDS ?
[sighs]
487
00:20:48,037 --> 00:20:50,458
I thought militarizing the
government would give me control.
488
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:51,833
[Melania] No, no, keep talking.
489
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:54,292
The expired meatball
is just doing his thing.
490
00:20:54,375 --> 00:20:56,917
But now Bolton is deciding
everything for me ...
491
00:20:57,001 --> 00:20:58,583
what I wear,
what I eat,
492
00:20:58,584 --> 00:21:01,625
what stretch of Estonian tundra
I use for a black site.
493
00:21:01,709 --> 00:21:04,709
Why don't you figure this out
literally anywhere else?
494
00:21:04,792 --> 00:21:08,292
You're right, Melania.
I'm gonna go for a drive.
495
00:21:08,375 --> 00:21:12,709
[soft, dreamy music]
496
00:21:12,792 --> 00:21:14,332
[horn honks]
[man] Asshole!
497
00:21:14,333 --> 00:21:17,250
? Feeling suffocation ?
498
00:21:17,333 --> 00:21:21,917
? About militarization ?
499
00:21:22,001 --> 00:21:23,701
? Tearing up the Mall ?
500
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:30,498
? Should I reinstall
democratization? ?
501
00:21:30,673 --> 00:21:32,974
[door opens]
502
00:21:33,057 --> 00:21:36,348
A tank rolls through a Hardee's
and then the National Mall?
503
00:21:36,432 --> 00:21:38,098
I thought I'd find you here.
504
00:21:38,099 --> 00:21:40,348
Kelly, why do we
have to blow up China?
505
00:21:40,432 --> 00:21:43,849
Can't I just threaten to blow up
China on Twitter like I used to?
506
00:21:43,932 --> 00:21:46,182
Have you told Bolton
how you feel about this?
507
00:21:46,266 --> 00:21:48,723
- He has ears, you know.
- He doesn't listen!
508
00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:50,807
He's always yapping ...
"Bomb Iran"
509
00:21:50,890 --> 00:21:52,974
and "Too late; I bombed Iran."
510
00:21:53,157 --> 00:21:56,157
Mr. President, you can have
all the bombs in the world ...
511
00:21:56,241 --> 00:21:58,532
and we pretty much have
for the last hundred years ...
512
00:21:58,615 --> 00:22:00,907
but that doesn't make you in control.
513
00:22:00,990 --> 00:22:04,115
- What do you know about the military?
- I was in the military.
514
00:22:04,116 --> 00:22:05,323
What?
You never mentioned that.
515
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:08,864
I absolutely have.
And despite how it appears,
516
00:22:08,899 --> 00:22:10,074
we have even less control than you.
517
00:22:10,157 --> 00:22:12,241
You know how many times
I've tried to drone a hospital
518
00:22:12,324 --> 00:22:14,241
and ended up droning
the wrong hospital?
519
00:22:14,324 --> 00:22:16,282
Right.
I mean, I like guns,
520
00:22:16,366 --> 00:22:18,573
and I like when things
come out of guns.
521
00:22:18,657 --> 00:22:19,969
But when it hits the guy?
522
00:22:19,970 --> 00:22:23,241
- I don't know. It's scary.
- Great point, Mr. President.
523
00:22:23,324 --> 00:22:29,324
The only way to truly feel in control
is to control yourself.
524
00:22:29,407 --> 00:22:31,490
Kelly, I'm not sure
if you still work for me,
525
00:22:31,573 --> 00:22:33,615
but if you do, I'm glad.
526
00:22:33,698 --> 00:22:35,115
[man] Hannity, you're on in five.
527
00:22:35,116 --> 00:22:37,990
Sean, I suggest we skip
the weather segment
528
00:22:38,074 --> 00:22:41,429
and cut straight
to my musings on jihad!
529
00:22:41,464 --> 00:22:42,823
What the hell are you doing, Sean?
530
00:22:42,824 --> 00:22:47,615
Aw, Sean, turn that frown inside
out and make your gums your lips.
531
00:22:47,698 --> 00:22:49,073
What are you doing here?
532
00:22:49,074 --> 00:22:51,241
We watched the show
over white jazz brunch.
533
00:22:51,324 --> 00:22:52,906
We could tell that by minute 30
534
00:22:52,907 --> 00:22:55,032
you were in the midst
of a psychological breakdown.
535
00:22:55,116 --> 00:22:57,657
My schtick just doesn't
work at 6:00 a.m.
536
00:22:57,740 --> 00:23:01,823
People need an entire miserable
day to build up to my rage.
537
00:23:01,824 --> 00:23:03,907
Sean, we owe you an apology.
538
00:23:03,990 --> 00:23:05,698
When you encouraged us
to surrender our brains
539
00:23:05,782 --> 00:23:07,482
to the will of an erratic leader,
540
00:23:07,490 --> 00:23:09,282
we thought,
"What could go wrong?"
541
00:23:09,366 --> 00:23:11,990
The answer was our emotional
well-being and nothing else.
542
00:23:12,074 --> 00:23:14,407
You know, we're two sides
of the same nickel.
543
00:23:14,490 --> 00:23:16,366
Your side is just
a little more polished,
544
00:23:16,448 --> 00:23:18,990
and my side has Thomas Jefferson
and everything he represents.
545
00:23:19,074 --> 00:23:21,613
Why don't we go back to
doing what we do best?
546
00:23:21,648 --> 00:23:23,036
[all] Journalism!
547
00:23:23,211 --> 00:23:24,081
[music]
548
00:23:24,172 --> 00:23:27,172
Just read exactly
what the prompter says,
549
00:23:27,256 --> 00:23:30,297
and you'll finally be in control.
550
00:23:30,381 --> 00:23:33,838
[music]
[narrator] And now, a message
551
00:23:33,922 --> 00:23:36,005
from the President
of the United States.
552
00:23:36,089 --> 00:23:39,422
My fellow Americans, I declare...
553
00:23:39,506 --> 00:23:41,206
I declare...
554
00:23:41,214 --> 00:23:43,588
I... I...
555
00:23:43,672 --> 00:23:45,372
I can't do this.
556
00:23:45,381 --> 00:23:47,838
There are many valid
reasons to go to war ...
557
00:23:47,922 --> 00:23:51,464
cheap oil, natural-gas reserves,
untapped petroleum ...
558
00:23:51,547 --> 00:23:53,797
but we weren't going to war
for those reasons.
559
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,755
We were going
because I wanted control,
560
00:23:56,838 --> 00:23:59,089
but a mushroom cloud,
though it might look pretty
561
00:23:59,172 --> 00:24:01,713
and sound tasty, isn't control.
562
00:24:01,797 --> 00:24:08,089
True control is controlling
yourself, and I am in con...
563
00:24:08,172 --> 00:24:09,880
[rumbling, clattering]
564
00:24:15,256 --> 00:24:18,488
Before you blame me, it ...
that could be anyone's tank.
565
00:24:18,572 --> 00:24:20,638
? Three white people on a couch ?
566
00:24:20,722 --> 00:24:22,722
? It's Fox & Friends ?
567
00:24:22,805 --> 00:24:25,139
Good morning.
It's Fox & Friends.
568
00:24:25,222 --> 00:24:27,264
Our dimples are back,
and our theme song
569
00:24:27,347 --> 00:24:29,347
sounds like Christian rock
once more.
570
00:24:29,430 --> 00:24:32,513
It's a glorious day for everyone
but the cast of Bloodsport,
571
00:24:32,597 --> 00:24:36,014
which Sean Hannity left in
his trunk for a week straight.
572
00:24:36,097 --> 00:24:37,429
[music]
573
00:24:37,430 --> 00:24:39,847
Ah, it's so nice to be back
in this breathable
574
00:24:39,930 --> 00:24:42,347
luxury lambswool latex-blend suit.
575
00:24:42,430 --> 00:24:46,512
Sir, we are back to DEFCON 5, or 1,
or whatever the good one is.
576
00:24:46,513 --> 00:24:50,889
- Am I in trouble?
- Oh, John, I can't stay mad at you.
577
00:24:50,972 --> 00:24:52,764
You're the only enemy
I don't want to make.
578
00:24:52,847 --> 00:24:54,680
I know about your list.
579
00:24:54,764 --> 00:24:57,680
And I'm sorry for going off
the handle like that.
580
00:24:57,764 --> 00:25:00,430
I don't need to bomb
the world. Just Iran.
581
00:25:00,513 --> 00:25:01,721
[all] Bolton!
582
00:25:01,722 --> 00:25:03,138
W-What?
583
00:25:03,139 --> 00:25:07,138
But seriously, if we don't
strike first, they will kill us.
584
00:25:07,220 --> 00:25:08,437
['80s-style pop music]
585
00:25:08,438 --> 00:25:11,522
? Donald Trump is the president ?
586
00:25:11,605 --> 00:25:14,981
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
587
00:25:15,064 --> 00:25:17,313
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
588
00:25:17,397 --> 00:25:19,097
? Yes, he is ?
589
00:25:19,106 --> 00:25:21,981
? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?
590
00:25:22,064 --> 00:25:24,522
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
591
00:25:24,605 --> 00:25:26,187
? Yes, he is ?
592
00:25:26,188 --> 00:25:29,106
? We had a vote
and elected him president ?
593
00:25:29,188 --> 00:25:34,064
? Donald Trump is the president ?
594
00:25:36,397 --> 00:25:38,063
? Donald Trump ?
595
00:25:38,064 --> 00:25:41,397
? He is our president ?
596
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,814
? We made him president ?
597
00:25:44,897 --> 00:25:47,188
? We did it ?
598
00:25:47,272 --> 00:25:51,188
? Donald Trump is the president ?
599
00:25:51,272 --> 00:25:54,230
? We elected Donald Trump ?
600
00:25:54,313 --> 00:25:57,856
? Donald Trump is the president ?
601
00:25:57,939 --> 00:26:01,313
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
602
00:26:01,397 --> 00:26:05,022
? Yeah ?
603
00:26:05,269 --> 00:26:06,485
Trump!
604
00:26:07,705 --> 00:26:12,737
605
00:26:12,787 --> 00:26:17,337
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