Original subtitles

Cute, isn't he?

I want you to find whoever is doing this to me.

I don't know what I was expecting,

but they sure don't look scary.

I am not going to let them intimidate me out of testifying against Lazarus.

You gotta throw it right back at them, Carol.

You can't let them know you're scared.

Where's Carol?

Chels, I'm home.

Chelsea?

Chels, come on, girl.

Oh, damn.

Chels?

Hello?

Who is this?

Chels?

Chels?

What do you want, Higgins?

Oh, good. There you are.

I've only got 46 minutes left to catch my plane.

And there are some important details we must discuss.

Your phone's ringing, Higgins.

If it's important, they'll call back.

Plane? What plane? Where are you going?

Well, the Great Moloka'i Mule Ride.

I'd scheduled the trip this week and somehow I...

Here it is. Where was I?

The Great Moloka'i Mule Ride.

Quite right. In the Kalaupapa.

I've been planning the trip for months and somehow it suddenly slipped my mind.

Here's a list of instructions.

All right, Higgins.

What's the gag?

I assure you, there's no gag. Now, if you'll just help me with that luggage.

Higgins, nothing ever completely slips your mind.

What are you up to?

Oh, my God. If that's for me, tell them...

Tell them I'm already gone.

Tell them I can't be reached.

Robin Masters' estate.

Thomas?

Hi, Carol. Higgins says he's already gone and he can't be reached.

I came to see you.

She came to see me, Higgins.

I have left strict instructions with Magnum

regarding your dietary and exercise program.

Naturally, I will expect nothing less than full cooperation on your part.

That's great, Higgins.

If you think that I think

that they actually understand what is...

It is imperative that you follow that outline explicitly,

beginning with their morning walk along the beach.

The slightest variation from their routine could result in

unpredictable and dangerous mood swings.

We certainly wouldn't want that, would we?

Well, if I don't make that plane,

the mule ride will leave without me.

Don't forget to write.

I thought you said Jonathan wasn't here.

Well, he was. But he's not.

But he'll be back.

But as long as he's gone,

I happen to know where he keeps his secret stash

of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee beans.

Can I interest you in a cup? Oh, it sounds wonderful.

But first, there's just one little thing I have to take care of.

And then, yesterday, I was looking for a file that I'd been working on

and it wasn't in any of my filing cabinets.

I went through every drawer in my desk and you know where it turned up?

Where? In the ladies' room.

Maybe you left it there.

Hey, you think we could catch our breath for a minute?

I'm really not dressed for jogging.

Zeus, Apollo, halt!

They stopped.

You told them to.

Stay!

It's Higgins.

He's around here somewhere giving them secret signals.

Oh, Thomas.

Higgins, I know what you're doing!

Anyway,

a couple of mornings this week, I've woken up to discover some things,

you know, moved around.

Books and photographs and even my stuffed animal.

Maybe he's using a whistle. You know, one of those ultrasonic things.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Carol. I'm just a little distracted.

What were you saying?

All right, I can understand my car being moved

and some things missing in my house.

I mean, that could be forgetfulness, right?

But last night when I got home, my electricity was off,

my back door was wide open and Chelsea was missing.

You know, I forget a lot of things,

but I would never go off and leave my door wide open so my dog could run away.

Well, did you find her?

I put up notices all around the neighborhood, you know.

She'll probably come home today.

I guess they wanna go.

Oh, wait!

Well, do you want me to drive by your place and see if I can find her?

I want you to find whoever is doing this to me.

Don't you have any idea who it might be?

Somebody with a grudge against you?

I don't know. Somebody I've prosecuted, maybe.

Or that you're going to.

Look, why don't I come by your office later?

We'll go over your caseload, see if we come up with a list of suspects.

Thank you.

Okay? Yeah.

Okay.

Bye.

I really appreciate this, Thomas.

Welfare fraud, illegal sale of firearms,

phony passports, I mean...

They're all pretty cut and dry.

I'll still look them over.

Ready for lunch, Counselor?

Ah, Steve, I'm sorry.

Steve Elliott, this is Thomas Magnum.

How do you do? Hi.

Steve is working with me on the Talbot case.

Working for her is more like it.

Thomas is a private investigator

and he's helping me with something that just came up.

Something for us?

No, no, personal.

So, we have so many files to look through.

I just... I think I'm gonna have to take a rain check on the lunch.

Sorry. Tomorrow?

How about tomorrow? Well, uh...

12:30? Maybe.

Italian, Thai? I'll have to see, okay?

Okay. Oh, here. Oh, thanks.

Nice meeting you.

You, too. - Yeah.

What about this Talbot thing?

Anything there?

Maybe. It's a very important case.

In fact, everybody in the office was hoping to get it.

It's a real surprise it landed on my desk.

Based on seniority alone, it should have gone to four other people.

Based on hard work and long hours,

it should've gone to Steve.

No, I don't think it's anybody here.

Mail.

May I have it?

I don't have anything going out today, Moody.

Tomorrow's another day.

Axe murderer?

What's this?

Oh, this is cute. Somebody sent me

a box full of newspapers.

Oh, Thomas, come here. Look at this.

"To the accompaniment of chanting and crying by his faithful followers,

"Joey Lynwood, aka Lazarus, was led..." Yes.

"...was led from the courtroom

"to begin serving three consecutive sentences

"at Honolulu Correctional Facilities."

This was from 1968. It can't be one of your cases.

It was my dad's. His last one.

Well, why would anybody be sending you articles about Lazarus?

He's sending me a message because he's up for parole.

And I'm going to testify against him.

Heteropoda venatoria,

commonly known as a Wolf Spider.

They're completely harmless.

He's all yours, if you want him.

No. I don't have room for a pet.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Do you have some water? Sure.

How come your knees buckle when you find out you're going to be all right?

I think we should talk to the police.

Oh, you know what they're gonna say?

"Now, how do we know that that spider didn't crawl in there by itself, ma'am?"

No, come on. The police don't care much for hunches or gut feelings.

I learned that during the Lazarus trial.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you, that's great.

You can't imagine the pressure that my father lived under during that time.

He collapsed of a heart attack the day before the jury brought in a verdict.

Carol!

I heard what happened. Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Look at the size of that thing.

He's really harmless. It's okay.

In fact, I would like to go back to work.

No. I'll take you home.

Oh, no, Thomas, I'm not going to let them stop me from doing my job.

I'll be with her all afternoon. She'll be fine.

I am fine.

She'll be fine.

It's funny how you can go through life never thinking about the fact

that your friends have other friends besides you.

Other people who care about them

and want to help them when they're in trouble.

Steve Elliott had made it real clear

that he would be watching after Carol the rest of the day.

Higgins!

I figured, the best thing for me to do was find out

what I could about Lazarus and his friends.

But first, I had to get home and feed the lads.

I knew Higgins would be watching

from somewhere.

Sorry, guys. Higgins said, "Lightly sautéed."

You don't suppose

Higgins actually went to Moloka'i, do you?

What am I doing? I'm talking to the dogs.

Nothing for you.

But here's something I think you'll like.

"J.Q., most excited about the Honolulu Jubilee Reunion of the lads of Sandhurst.

"Pity you won't be able to participate in the festivities.

"Nevertheless, looking forward to seeing you finally,

"Jonathan Higgins'

"estate by the sea?

"Until then, yours, et cetera, Binky Smythe-White."

How dare you read my mail.

Higgins!

The mule train leave without you?

Is the concept of a gentleman's privacy completely foreign to you?

It's a postcard, Higgins. Everybody reads postcards.

Get out! Get out of my kitchen.

Your kitchen?

Your kitchen? Not Robin Masters' kitchen?

But then, I guess it is, isn't it?

I mean, how did Binky put it?

"Jonathan Higgins' estate by the sea"?

Does Robin know about this change of ownership?

All right, what do you want?

Tennis court privileges? Wine cellar? What?

I'll decide,

after you tell me what is going on here.

Now, what is it Higgins? I want the truth.

From the time I can first remember...

No, no, no.

Do not go all the way back to, "From the time I can first remember."

...I dreamed of being an officer in her Majesty's service.

It was winter. My third year at Sandhurst.

I was anxiously awaiting the results of midyear examinations.

One of the chaps in my living quarters,

someone I had taken under my wing in his first year,

took it into his head to play a prank on

one of the new students residing in our unit.

There was

an unfortunate accident, as a result.

The young lad

was left paralyzed.

I'm not sure how it came to be thought that

I was the author of the prank.

I was not, of course.

But

only my friend and I knew that.

But you couldn't tell.

We had a very strict honor code at Sandhurst,

one which precluded informing on one's fellow classmate.

Yes, I know it well.

But what about your friend's honor code?

It certainly didn't preclude him from stepping forward

and taking responsibility for his act.

To tell you the truth,

I fully expected him to admit his culpability.

By the time I realized that he wasn't going to do the honorable thing,

it was too late.

I had already been sent down.

I enlisted in the Army the following spring.

My friend

maintained a correspondence with me over the years

and finally, reluctantly,

I began to respond.

I can't remember when I began to...

To...

Embellish a bit?

Quite.

Or why I thought it would compensate for the great loss I felt.

I certainly never anticipated

some day my mates would hold a reunion here in Hawaii.

And would all be

looking forward to seeing finally

Jonathan Higgins' estate by the sea.

Higgins...

I'm sorry. I thought...

Well,

I'm sorry.

No, no, I...

I thought briefly that I could avoid it by going to Moloka'i.

But at the airport,

I realized that I couldn't run away from it.

There's nothing for me to do but invite them over for tea

and inform them that I'm a fraud.

Fraud?

Isn't that a little harsh?

Everybody makes up stuff over the years.

I mean, I...

Why don't you just

invite them over and see what happens?

Play it by ear.

T. C: I'm not going to play it at all.

Come on, T.C., why not?

Because one charity case a week is my limit.

And this little trip to the old Lazarus ranch is it for this week.

Well, at least think about it, okay? Rick said he would.

Rick said he'd do it?

Well, no. He said he'd think about it.

There it is. The last known residence of the Joey Lazarus clan.

Looks like any other ranch, doesn't it?

I don't know what I was expecting,

but they sure don't look scary.

Yes.

A Pekinese.

Golden brown and white.

Oh, you haven't.

Hello?

Oh, damn it.

Hello? Steve?

Please, don't do this to me. Come on.

Come on. Open up.

Open up, damn it!

Oh, come on, Carol. Just put the key in the lock.

Attagirl.

Oh, please.

Hi.

Can you open the door?

I'm sorry it took so long.

I had to go to three places before I could get rare roast beef.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

The electricity went off

and I thought someone was following me

and then I couldn't start the car.

I want to call Thomas.

I'll take you home.

I need to go to Thomas.

It's okay, it's okay. Shh.

I'll take you wherever you want to go.

It's okay.

Chels?

Did you find Chelsea?

Oh, Thomas. I didn't wake you, did I?

No. No, actually, I couldn't sleep, anyway.

Oh, good.

Boy, I thought for sure she'd be back tonight.

She's never been gone this long.

I'm gonna get a snack. You want something?

Well...

Steve called. Again. He's been back to the office.

He's got a maintenance crew over there

and apparently it was just a faulty circuit breaker.

He's checking circuit breakers at 3:00 in the morning?

Well, he said he couldn't sleep until he knew what had happened.

He can't even figure out what's wrong with my car.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who is this guy?

I mean, I thought I was the one

you kept up till all hours worrying about you.

At least you could've told me you got a boyfriend.

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

I mean, we went out a couple of times. That's, you know...

I don't know. He...

He kind of hovers over me, you know?

He's got too much enthusiasm. It makes me nervous.

But then, you know, he is a very nice man. Really good guy.

And a steady job.

He's thoughtful. He's okay looking.

Okay looking?

Well, he's certainly not Robert Redford.

Who is?

Do you know that that is exactly what my mother says?

She keeps pointing out to me

that all my girlfriends have had wonderful weddings.

And I keep pointing out to her

that all my girlfriends have also been divorced.

Then she points out to me,

that I have a tendency to be a real smart aleck.

You do.

But I really consider that an asset.

You think maybe I'm...

I mean, it has occurred to me that maybe I'm a romance junkie.

You know, doomed to roam the earth forever,

searching for that perfect mate.

You ever feel like that?

No.

Well...

Well, I guess it is something that women do more.

You know, the knight-in-shining-armor syndrome.

I mean, who can ever live up to that?

You eat that much in the middle of the night?

Only when I'm scared.

I am not going to let them intimidate me out of testifying against Lazarus.

I'm going over there tomorrow and I'm going to tell them what I have to say.

That's what my dad would have done and that's what I'm going to do.

Good.

And if your car isn't fixed yet,

I'll drive you over there myself.

You know,

sometimes

you remind me of my father.

Me?

I guess it's just the way the light reflects off the armor.

Knight blindness.

Yeah?

There's only one cure for it.

Sleep.

And the harsh reality that comes with daylight.

You sure?

Yeah.

Tom?

What brings the clan out?

Oh, the parole board has agreed to let one of them testify.

They were bringing Lazarus in

as I was leaving the hearing room.

Damn it! He's so alive.

It doesn't even matter what he's done.

He still gets to live and my father doesn't.

That's okay.

Look, at least it's over with. You've testified.

They'll leave you alone now. Yeah.

And I called in a favor with a deejay friend of mine.

He's gonna put my phone number out over the air

in case anybody's seen Chelsea.

Oh, Thomas. I don't know what I'd do without you.

And I'm not just talking about the savings on the cab fares.

I mean, all the free advice and the slumber parties.

I mean, let's just face it.

You are really a renaissance friend.

Thank you.

T. C: What makes you think she's got a crush on you?

Not me, T.C. This friend of mine.

Yeah. Right.

This hypothetical friend of yours.

Right.

What makes your friend think the lady's in love?

Well,

they've known each other for a long time.

Quite a while.

And she's been kind of

going through this bad time lately

and somehow she's...

Well, things

just aren't the same between them

and he doesn't know quite what to do about it.

Mmm-hmm. Well, what does he want to do about it?

Well, he's thought about it, a lot.

And

he knows she's confused.

Why ruin a great friendship?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, he could talk to her.

Help her to see what's happening.

And explain to her that his feelings about her haven't changed

and that he still sees her as a friend.

Talk to her, huh?

Or he could just leave it alone.

Keep on being the same around her as he's always been.

And then wait.

Just wait for her to realize that she's not in love with him.

That's what I'd do.

Yeah?

Definitely.

Thanks, T.C. I'm gonna be late.

T. C: Oh, hey.

Tell your friend, anytime.

Thanks.

The important thing is to just be yourself.

There's absolutely no reason to be nervous.

Nervous? I'm hardly nervous, Agatha.

Merely excited by the prospect of seeing old friends.

Can you see that from the doorway, do you think?

They'll be able to tell that it is you and General Montgomery,

if that's what you mean.

Early.

Jonathan, you don't need all these reinforcements.

You're doing the right thing by telling your friends the truth.

And if they've got any mettle at all, they'll admire you for it.

Yes, yes. You're quite right.

Stiff upper lip and all that.

Exactly.

The honorable Gridley Parsloe, Sir Freddie Baxter,

and Lord Binky Smythe-White, sir.

J. Q? J.Q., old sport!

Binky, I...

Magnum, I...

J.Q., J. Q!

Willing, watchful, wakeful, temperate and true.

Steady on through fair and foul,

Sandhurst through and through.

You haven't forgotten your old friends then, have you?

No, no. Certainly not.

Excuse me, sir.

Luncheon is served.

Luncheon?

Smoked salmon to start. Cream of tomato soup.

Scottish beef with horseradish. Yorkshire pudding.

Peas, leaks and cabbage.

Lemon mousse and a trifle to finish.

Lovely.

That's a regular English luncheon.

Good God, what's that?

That would be your helicopter, sir.

J.Q., you devil. You never mentioned a helicopter.

I took the liberty of asking your pilot to stand by

on the off chance you might like to show your guests around.

Magnum.

No, no, I can't.

Oh, come on, J.Q.

Where's the old adventurous spirit, old boy?

I mean, the bloody cream of tomato soup can wait.

It's not the soup.

Well, what, then?

Go ahead, Jonathan.

You can say it.

Yes.

You're quite right, Agatha. I can.

Last one in the chopper is a rotten egg.

Oh, dear!

Damn it!

Damn it!

They can't keep doing this to you, Carol.

Well, I think they're just trying to scare me, Steve.

Yeah, well, I think we ought to go out there.

I'd like to call Thomas.

No, no, no. We got to throw this right back in their faces.

They wanna know scared.

No, I don't think it's a good idea to go out there.

You gotta throw it right back at them, Carol.

You can't let them know you're scared.

That's what they want.

Believe me, Carol.

I know how to deal with these people.

I can handle this for you.

But, look,

if it'll make you feel better,

call Thomas.

And I got the information on that license plate for you.

You got it already?

Yep. It's registered to a guy named Moody.

Middle initial is H. It's all I could get,

but take a look at that address.

City Prosecutor's Office?

Yeah, I know.

Hey, Thomas. This is your buddy, Rambling Reed.

We hit pay dirt on the airwaves.

I got your friend's dog in the studio with me now.

Can you send somebody over here to pick her up?

Rick? Hey, I'm on my way.

The guy who delivers her mail. What?

She said his name was Moody. He's the connection.

Thomas, they've sent me another package.

It's Chelsea.

It isn't Chelsea. It's a stuffed toy,

but it looks just like Chelsea.

Steve's taking me out to the Lazarus Ranch.

And Thomas, I think they have my dog.

Trouble.

I don't think so. You gonna get the dog?

Hey, I'm out of here.

Where's Carol?

What are you talking about?

I know about the packages, Moody.

Oh, man!

I knew somebody was going to try to pin that on me.

I deliver the mail.

I don't know anything about what gets in it.

That's why you're packing your bags, 'cause you're so innocent?

Damn right.

Somebody's trying to set me up by sending weird packages to her.

Well, I'm not sticking around for the fall.

I haven't seen Carol Baldwin. Now, get out of here.

She and Steve Elliott were on their way out here.

Elliott?

You know Steve Elliott?

Tell him, Moody.

If you don't want to talk to me, you can talk to the police.

Moody!

I don't know anything about it.

I don't believe you!

Moody, you want the police out here?

Steve Elliott was a customer of his.

Speed mostly. A little coke.

But Moody cut him off.

He was getting a little strange.

Tell him our whole business.

If they find him, you don't have to go.

Where are they?

I know where they might be.

I'll take you there.

We'll talk again.

Sunshine, be careful.

You haven't seen him when he's strung out.

What makes you think they'll be up here?

Steve used to bring me up here

whenever he'd come buy something from Moody.

He liked it up here. He was funny.

And nice.

The way you were with that girl at the prison.

You could tell you were connected.

That's how I thought about me and Steve.

But that's not how it was at all.

You're on your own from here. I'm gonna hitch my way back to the ranch.

Wait a minute.

Thanks.

You see, Carol, I tried to get you to understand that you could depend on me.

That when things got bad, you could lean on me.

That's why I sent you that stuff in the mail and followed you in the stairwell.

I only want you to need me.

Steve, if I would've known...

I'm talking!

I tried to get you to see that when things were bad, when you got scared,

you could come to me.

I only want to take care of you.

Then don't do this to me. Please let me go.

I'm in charge here! Do you understand?

Do you?

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I would never hurt you.

No, I couldn't do that.

I love you.

Carol.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's much better.

That's the way it's gonna be from now on.

You're gonna like it here.

I would really like some water.

Please?

Oh, well, I...

I've got to go out to the water tank.

Thank you.

Thomas.

You okay?

Yes, I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. My feet.

My feet.

Come on.

Carol!

It's all right. I tripped. I tripped. I thought...

Here, put your arm around me.

Oh, why did this have to happen? These dumb shoes.

This is supposed to happen to bimbos in movies and TV, not to me.

I'm too smart for this.

Smart has nothing to do with it.

Courage in the face of adversity.

Moral integrity in the face of temptation.

Those are the principles which made the Empire great.

Tea?

Yes, yes. Thank you very much, my dear.

Where was I?

Something about courage and moral integrity.

That's it, exactly. Honesty, honesty. That's the ticket.

You're quite right, you know.

Of course, I'm right. I'm a Sandhurst man.

Willing, watchful, wakeful, temperate and true.

Archibald, please.

Enough.

I don't believe that anybody has dared to call me Archibald

since my first year at Sandhurst.

I'm sure there are a great number of things

people have not dared to say to you.

But a point comes when you

cannot carry out the charade any longer.

I don't own this estate.

I am merely an employee here.

A majordomo, as it were.

But the very best, I know how to be.

I am proud of my job.

And I'm proud of the life I've made for myself.

And I am proud to have people like Agatha Chumley call me friend.

And I find, to my great astonishment,

that it no longer matters to me

what the lads of Sandhurst think

of Jonathan Quayle Higgins.

That's quite a speech.

Well, I know you have a banquet this evening

and I wouldn't want to be the cause

of your late arrival, so...

J.Q.

Jonathan.

You've made your speech.

Now perhaps you'll listen to one that I have been

rehearsing for many, many years.

It's about a man,

a friend of mine,

who has spent a lifetime

paying for an appalling mistake,

which I made and could not own up to.

If we don't get out of here...

We're going to get out of here.

Okay. Okay.

I want to tell you something.

That maybe for a little while there,

that maybe I was making you up

in my mind.

You know, the knight in shining armor?

I'm not.

Oh, I know. I know.

Can I try it now? Let me try it. Okay. Yeah. Take it easy.

Easy, easy. Okay, it's gonna be fine.

No, no, it's not. Now sit down, sit down. Oh, Tom, Tom.

What am I gonna do?

We're never going to outdistance him with me carrying you.

What are we gonna do?

Okay, Plan B.

What?

Except this one might get scary.

Come on, just a little closer. Come on.

You shouldn't have left me.

What took you so long?

What?

What took you so long?

As soon as he was in sight, that was the plan.

Would you watch where you're pointing that thing?

I don't know what to do with it.

He stood there for an hour. I could've been killed!

Well, he was in the wrong spot!

It wouldn't have done you any good if I would have

jumped too soon and broke my leg.

Don't you throw that in my face!

I didn't mean to break my leg, you know.

Oh, Thomas, we're safe.

Oh, God.

Ah, you were incredible.

Oh, no, no!

That took a lot of courage. No, it was you that took the real risk.

Carol, please.

Do you think you could take a compliment?

Just once?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

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