subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Episode01

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:04,100 Britain, Britain. Britain. 2 00:00:04,100 --> 00:00:06,900 Land of technological achievement. 3 00:00:06,900 --> 00:00:09,600 We've had running water for over ten years, 4 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:14,400 an underground tunnel that links us to Peru, and we invented the cat. 5 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:19,500 But none of these innovations would have been possible were it not for the people of Britain, 6 00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:22,500 and it is those people that we do look at today. 7 00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:24,900 Let's do it! 8 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,000 ... 9 00:00:30,700 --> 00:00:35,500 It's half past Ren� at this comprehensive school in Darkley Noone. 10 00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:45,800 Projects in by first thing next week. Vicky Pollard, stay behind. 11 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,800 - Good luck, Vicky. - Yes, thank you, Kelly. 12 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,400 Come here, please, Vicky. 13 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:09,300 Vicky, it's been two weeks and I still haven't received your essay on Lord Kitchener. 14 00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:14,500 No, because what happened was, I was going round Karl's but Shelley Todd, who's a bitch, 15 00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:20,500 has been completely saying that Destiny stole money but I ain't not neven spoken to Rochelle. 16 00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:24,200 Vicki, I'm more interested in your course work. 17 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:29,400 But what happened was that Ashley Cramer's saying that Samantha's brother smells of mud, 18 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,100 but - shut up! - Never stole no car - shut up! 19 00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:37,100 - Vicky, have you even started this essay? - No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no. 20 00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:41,500 I'm not going on the pill because they stop you from getting pregnant. 21 00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:44,100 If I don't get the essay, I'll have to fail you. 22 00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:49,900 Yeah, but Louise emptied a bottle of Fanta into Shannon's bag but Luke says he fingered her. 23 00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:55,500 - Vicky, do you want to pass your GCSE? - GCS what? Don't go giving me evils! 24 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:02,900 Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is having a meeting with one of his aides. 25 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:11,200 0f course, if I was Prime Minister, 26 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:17,300 I'd knock through to number 11 and have a sort of larger living area, really open up the space. 27 00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:23,400 So the meeting with the Trade and Industry Secretary has now been rescheduled for 6.15. 28 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,400 Fine. So the Chancellor's been moved to 7? 29 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,600 Hiya! 30 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,000 - Oh, hello. - Yes? 31 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:36,200 Sebastian, Gregory Merchant. Just come to us from the Treasury. 32 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:41,400 - Hello, Sebastian. Nice to meet you. - Whatever. Prime Minister, can I have a word? 33 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,400 - Can't it wait? - Kind of important. 34 00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:48,200 - Gregory, would you...? - Of course. 35 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:52,100 Who was that? 36 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:57,800 - Gregory, new boy at the Treasury. He's good. - Oh, is he? 37 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,600 - Yes. Really knows his stuff. - I don't like him. 38 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,600 - Why is that? - I see the way he looks at you. 39 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:10,200 - What about it? - He was looking at you like he loves you. 40 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:16,500 - I don't think so. - It's sad. He's obviously got a crush on you. 41 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:24,400 - I think it's very unlikely. - It's true. He gets all nervous around you. 42 00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:37,700 - Is that everything? - Yes. 43 00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:42,300 - Do you want to get up? - No. 44 00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:47,300 Could you call Gregory back in? 45 00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:50,300 Gregory! I think he's gone. So, anyway... 46 00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:53,200 Gregory, come in, please. 47 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:57,200 Sebastian's just leaving. Could you show him out? 48 00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,300 Bitch! 49 00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:13,200 - Sorry about that. Where were we? - Your meeting with the Chancellor. 50 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,500 Yes, that's right. 51 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:18,300 Ooh. You smell nice. 52 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:29,100 People in Britain do all manner of things for kicks. Some lick stamps. 0thers sit on chairs. 53 00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:33,900 This fellow, who calls himself Emily Howard, likes to dress up as a lady. 54 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,300 Takes all sorts, I suppose. 55 00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:42,300 Whoo! Whoo! Absolutely tipping it down out there. 56 00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:47,500 That's the only reason I came in here alone, without a chaperone. I'm a lady, you see. 57 00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:50,000 Pay me no heed. 58 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,000 I've never been in a pub before. 59 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,900 Tell me, what does one do? 60 00:04:55,900 --> 00:04:58,900 Well, you can order a drink if you like, mate. 61 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:02,300 Yes. I'll have a lady's drink, s'il vous pla�t. 62 00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:07,200 - What can I get you? - I'd like to buy the lady a drink. 63 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,800 I'd like to buy you a drink. 64 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,300 If that's OK. 65 00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:15,300 - But I'm a lady. - Yeah, I know. 66 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,200 And I'd like to buy you a drink. 67 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:24,200 Erm... well... a drinky-poo-poo. Yes, I'll have a slimline tonic water, please. 68 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:28,100 - Right you are. - And two packets of crisps. 69 00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:31,500 Do you have the barbecued beef variety? 70 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,200 Merci beaucoup. 71 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:40,400 - Cheers. - Chin-chin. Oh, goes straight to my head. 72 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,900 So, tell me a little bit about yourself. 73 00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:47,100 Well, my name is Emily. Emily Howard. I'm a lady. 74 00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:53,100 Because I'm a lady, I do ladies' things like attend operettas and les ballets imaginaires. 75 00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:57,000 - Do you like the theatre? - No, but I like you. 76 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,900 I'm a lady. I press flowers, 77 00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:05,700 and stroke kittens, and swim in rivers wearing dresses and hats... and shit. 78 00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:10,100 - You're a very lovely-looking lady. - (GIGGLING) 79 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:16,000 You embarrass me. I must go and powder my nose. 80 00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:20,100 Here, you wanna be careful with that one. 81 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,000 She's gorgeous. 82 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,800 Here, watch me pint. I'm off for a slash. 83 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,500 Hello again. 84 00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:48,500 Meanwhile, southeast of Northwestshire lies the little town of Herby. 85 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,000 Wait! Stop! 86 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,900 Andy's birthday is just over a year away, 87 00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:59,100 and his friend Lou has decided to do something special. 88 00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:04,900 There's your milk. It's your birthday coming up and I said I'd take you to London to see a show. 89 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:07,900 - Yeah. - The shows are advertised here. 90 00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:12,100 - Which one do you want to see? - That one. 91 00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:16,400 - Royal Opera House. You won't enjoy that. - That one. 92 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,200 What about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? 93 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:23,700 - With Michael Balls. You like Michael Balls. - Yeah, I know. 94 00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:27,300 - Which one do you want to see? - That one. 95 00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:30,900 - "La Traviata." It's an opera. - Yeah, I know. 96 00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:33,800 It's very expensive. It's about �100 a ticket. 97 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,200 That one. 98 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,200 All right, we'll go to the opera. 99 00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:49,300 - (SINGS IN ITALIAN) - I don't like it. 100 00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:54,700 This is Kelsey Grammar School in Flange. 101 00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:59,700 Schools are where tomorrow-adults, or "childeren", are harvested. 102 00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:14,600 For these boys, the first lesson of the day is on Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations". 103 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:18,300 "Now I was frightened again and ran home." 104 00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:21,300 Palfrey, you take over. 105 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:23,900 Top of page 116. 106 00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:30,700 "Mrs Joe Gargery had brought me up by hand. Knowing her to have a hard and heavy hand..." 107 00:08:30,700 --> 00:08:35,900 - Johnson, you take over. - "In the habit of laying it on her husband..." 108 00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,600 - Clark! - "I supp..." 109 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,600 - Back to Johnson. - "Supposed..." 110 00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:46,000 - Pelham, you take over. - "Joe Gargery and I were both brought up..." 111 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,900 - Worms! - "Not a good-looking..." 112 00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:50,500 - Meacher. - "...woman." 113 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:52,500 Read on, boy. 114 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,600 - "My sis..." - Rolands. 115 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,600 - "...ter and I had... - Honkeytonk. 116 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:05,100 "I had a general impression that she must have been making Joe Garge..." 117 00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:08,100 Phillips. Nash. Papathasaniou. 118 00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:12,300 Go on, read. Yes, all of you. 119 00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:16,000 (TOGETHER) "Joe was a fair man, with..." 120 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:21,400 - Melling, Ashworth, join them. - "...of his smooth face, and with eyes..." 121 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:24,100 Scotch accents. 122 00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:28,700 (WITH ACCENT) "...of such a very undecided blue that they..." 123 00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:31,500 In the style of the Elephant Man. 124 00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:36,700 "...sheemed to have shomehow got mixshed with their..." 125 00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:43,000 Right, stop! We're not getting anywhere. I will read. Page 117. 126 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,600 "Joe... wass... a... milled... 127 00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:51,000 "...mild... mild... Mild. Mild. 128 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:55,100 "...good... na-turr..." 129 00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:59,600 Shall we just watch the video? Yeah. 130 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,700 Yeah, better. 131 00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:09,900 Unlike other countries, Britain has people of two genders, women and men. 132 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:13,800 Gary and his friend Jason are two men. 133 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,200 Write it down. Men. 134 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:24,700 - That you, Gary? - Yeah, Mum. I'm with me mate Jason. 135 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:27,100 Bring him in. 136 00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:30,500 - This is Jason. Me sister, Julie. - All right? 137 00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,500 - Hello. - Me mum. 138 00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:35,500 - How do you do? - This is me Nan. 139 00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,900 Hello. 140 00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:47,500 Gary never told me he had such a... beautiful grandmother. 141 00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:50,200 I'll just go and put the kettle on. 142 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:59,000 I, uh... haven't seen you around. 143 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,500 - Where do you normally hang out? - Day centre. 144 00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:05,200 Must check it out. 145 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,700 - You smell nice. What is it? - Murray Mints. 146 00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:12,500 Tell him about the party. 147 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:17,000 Oh, yeah. Julie's mate's having a party tonight. Do you wanna go? 148 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:23,000 - What do you reckon, Nan? You up for it? - What, me? I don't think she'd want me there. 149 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:28,100 - It's for the younger generation. - Yeah. I'll give it a miss. 150 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:34,400 So, uh... I'll bet you're a woman of experience. 151 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,800 Well, I... I've lived through two world wars. 152 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,500 - Maureen! - Yes, Mum? 153 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,300 Can you take me to the toilet? 154 00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:51,000 I'm just making the tea, Mum! Julie, be a good girl, take your nan to the toilet. 155 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,400 It's OK. I'll do it. 156 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,900 Up we get. 157 00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:59,200 There we go. 158 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:04,400 - Oh! - Sorry. I thought that was your elbow. 159 00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:14,600 Meanwhile, at the Uncle Albert Hall, a recital is taking place. 160 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,800 Oh, no. I had a bag. Where's me bag? 161 00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:28,700 No, no, here it is. 162 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:46,500 Meanwhile, in Trowby, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is on a date. 163 00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:50,500 I usually just have a starter and find that's enough. 164 00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:53,900 It's nice here. 165 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:58,700 It's funny. I don't remember saying I'd go on a date with you. 166 00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:04,100 I don't know what to have. It all looks so nice. 167 00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:07,100 The set menu is very reasonable. 168 00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:09,900 Oh, they do baked lobster. 169 00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:12,800 I've never had lobster before. I'll have that. 170 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:18,400 Look into my eyes. The eyes. Don't look around the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under. 171 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:22,700 You will order from the set menu. Three courses, �8.95. 172 00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:27,700 You will NOT order the lobster. Three, two, one, you're back in the room. 173 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:35,100 Oh, there's lots of things I like on the set menu. 174 00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:40,500 - You don't mind ordering from the set menu? - Hey, whatever you want. That's fine. 175 00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:43,300 Do you know what you want to drink yet? 176 00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:48,300 Seeing as it's a special occasion, it'd be lovely to have a bottle of bubbly. 177 00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:54,800 Look into my eyes. The eyes. Don't look around the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under. 178 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,700 You will choose a soft drink, NOT champagne. 179 00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:03,200 I don't fancy you that much and I resent you bleeding me dry. Three, two, one, you're back. 180 00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:09,400 - Are you ready to order, madam? - Yes, from the set menu, please. 181 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,400 I'll have the spring roll and chicken chow mein. 182 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:16,200 - And to drink? - Just a glass of water. 183 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,000 Tap. 184 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,000 And for sir? 185 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:27,200 I'm not really hungry. I'll just have the lobster and a bottle of champagne. Thanks. 186 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:34,200 Above this theatre here in Sneddy is the office of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent. 187 00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:39,300 - (INTERCOM BUZZES) - Dennis Waterman to see you. 188 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:42,500 Oh, lovely. Do send him in. 189 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:45,500 - (HIGH-PITCHED) Hello! - Hello. 190 00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:48,700 Oh, that's a big dog. 191 00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:51,700 Have you never met Wolfit? Shake his hand. 192 00:14:55,900 --> 00:14:58,300 Who's a good boy? 193 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:03,400 Oooh! Tired. 194 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:08,400 I'm glad you popped in. I've just had a call from the Troot Theatre Company. 195 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,500 - Not telly? - No. 196 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:15,700 As long as you insist on writing and singing your own theme tunes, telly won't touch you. 197 00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:19,200 - EastEnders? - They've got a theme tune. 198 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,400 Mine's much better. 199 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:25,500 # Lots of things are happening in Albert Square, doo-doo-doo... # 200 00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:31,400 Thank you. The company are doing a production of "Macbeth" and they want you for the lead. 201 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:36,100 Oooh! Heavy. 202 00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:39,300 One thing. They do start rehearsals on Monday. 203 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:43,100 That's not much time to write a new theme tune. 204 00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:46,700 No, Dennis, it's a straight play. No music. 205 00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:49,100 So, yes or no? 206 00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:55,800 # Mr Macbeth is a naughty man, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo 207 00:15:55,800 --> 00:16:01,200 # He gone and killed another man, doo-doo-doo-doo 208 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,900 # I hath a good idea 209 00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:09,200 # Just thou keep me near I'll be so good for the Scottish play... # 210 00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:12,800 I'll tell 'em you're busy. 211 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,700 Could you, er... give me a hand down, please? 212 00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:24,700 - Don't drop me! Don't drop me! - I've got you. 213 00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:27,000 Off you pop. 214 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,900 Don't patronise me. 215 00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:35,700 Community centres in Britain are used as meeting places for all kinds of groups. 216 00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:39,900 Until a law is passed to imprison fat people, 217 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:45,400 gluttons of Britain are free to walk the streets and attend special diet classes like this one. 218 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:50,500 Yeah, I would say 12 stone, six. Oh, you've gone up half a pound. Bad luck. 219 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:55,700 - Sorry I'm late, Marjorie. - That's all right, Pat. The scales are broken. 220 00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:58,700 I'm just having to estimate people's weight. 221 00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,600 So, I tell you what. Just lift up your arm. 222 00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:06,700 Yeah, you look about 17 stone to me. 223 00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,900 I weighed myself this morning. 16 stone, five. 224 00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:12,700 Oh, well, turn round. 225 00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:15,400 No, definitely 17, I'm afraid. 226 00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:21,300 It's not easy, is it? And last but not least, Paul. 227 00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,700 What are you gonna make me? 20 stone? 228 00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:29,600 Don't be silly, Paul. 19 stone, 11. 229 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,400 OK, our buzz word for today is... 230 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,300 ...cravings. Cravings. 231 00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:43,300 Not John Cravings. We're not talking John Cravings' News Round-Up. No. 232 00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,900 We're talking cravings. 233 00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:50,900 What foods do we get cravings of? Tania, start us off. 234 00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:53,900 - Chocolate. - Chocolate, yes. 235 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:57,100 Well done. Chocolate. 236 00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:59,600 Lovely. OK. 237 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:03,500 - Er... Johansen? - No, it's Dave. 238 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:06,500 Sorry, Dave. I get those two names mixed up. 239 00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:09,700 - Chocolate. - We've had chocolate. 240 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:14,200 - Chocolate biscuits. - They're covered in chocolate. 241 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,200 That's why he likes them. 242 00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:22,700 Yeah, you see, that's why you're so fat, because you don't take it seriously. 243 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,900 - Pat? - Cake. 244 00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:29,400 Yes. Cake. We all like a bit of cake, don't we? 245 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:34,400 I know I do. I love a bit of cake. I do. I just like cake. 246 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:39,800 I'm just one of those people, I come home, and all I want... I just love cake. I love cake. 247 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,800 Cake! I love a bit of cake. Cake. 248 00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:45,500 Lovely. Er... Mary. 249 00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:48,400 - Fish and chips. - Sorry? 250 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:52,200 - Fish and chips. - Doesn't make... Again. 251 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,800 - Fish and chips. - Again. 252 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,300 Oh, forget it. 253 00:18:57,300 --> 00:19:01,500 Must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here. 254 00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:07,000 OK, so, how can we eat the food we crave and still lose weight? 255 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:13,500 Introducing the all-new "FatFighters"' Half-The-Calories Diet. 256 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:19,900 Yeah? Take the food you like, whether it's your chocolate or your biscuits or your cake... 257 00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:22,700 Oh, man, I lurve de cake! 258 00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:25,100 Or your... thing. 259 00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:29,200 Cut it in half, and it's just half the calories. Yeah? 260 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:33,400 Because it's half the calories, you can have twice as much. 261 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:37,900 That's just stupid. You've never gonna lose weight by doing that. 262 00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:40,900 Oh, dear. 19 stone, 12. 263 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:47,900 If you're thinking of going on holiday and the Arctic is fully booked, 264 00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:50,300 why not try Scotland? 265 00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:56,300 - This is very good. - Yes. I assume it's all made on the premises. 266 00:19:56,300 --> 00:20:00,700 - Enjoying your stay? - Yes. Very much. 267 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:05,000 We were just saying how much we like the soup. Did you make it? 268 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,700 Maybe I did and maybe I didn't. 269 00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:16,300 Well, er... 270 00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:19,300 - Did you? - Ye-e-es. 271 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,400 It's delicious. We'd love to make it ourselves. 272 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,600 Ye'd like to know ma secrets, would ye? 273 00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:35,700 - Well, yes. - Have ye ever heard of a thing called... 274 00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,900 butter? 275 00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:43,200 - Yes. - Gold in colour and slippery to the touch. 276 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:48,200 - Yes, butter. Anything else? - Ye-e-es. 277 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:54,500 Did ye ever hear the legend of the seeded fruit that is often mistooken for a veg-e-table? 278 00:20:55,700 --> 00:21:00,300 - The tomato? - Red in colour and fleshy within. 279 00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,900 But beware of the pips. 280 00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:09,300 They call it... the tom-ato. 281 00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:13,100 - Right, the tomato. Anything else? - Ye-e-es. 282 00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:17,600 Have ye ever heard of such a thing as a cow? A cow, mind. 283 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,600 Let me think. Yes, I have. 284 00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:24,400 Did ye know it secretes a liquor from its udder? 285 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,800 Yes, milk. 286 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,700 Ye know too much. 287 00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:32,600 Ye know... 288 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,300 ...too much. 289 00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:45,900 So, anyway, if we start off by the castle... 290 00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:48,600 I'll leave ye with a riddle. 291 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:53,900 I am hard, yet soft. I am coloured, yet clear. I am fruity and sweet. I am jelly. 292 00:21:53,900 --> 00:21:56,300 What am I? 293 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:03,000 - Jelly. - Muse upon it further. I shall return. 294 00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:06,800 - It's jelly, though, isn't it? - Ye-e-es. 295 00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:11,500 If you have a verruca and would like to share it with others, 296 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:14,900 why not pop down to your local swimming pool? 297 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,800 - I want to get in. - In a minute. 298 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:23,500 I'll find the lifeguard to help you. Wait there. 299 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:26,500 - I want to get in! - In a minute. 300 00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:29,700 Excuse me. Could you give me a hand? 301 00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:34,500 I'm here with a friend who you may have seen is in a wheelchair. 302 00:22:34,500 --> 00:22:38,900 I need a little bit of help getting him in and out of the pool. 303 00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:43,600 Getting him in is not really a kerfuffle. Getting him out isn't a kerfuffle. 304 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:49,200 It's relatively kerfuffle-free. But he does have a slight fear of water. 305 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:54,300 You know? He likes the water, but he's not a strong swimmer. 306 00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:57,100 It's really doggie paddle, if anything. 307 00:22:57,100 --> 00:23:02,900 We just need to help him get in and out. I like him to go swimming. It's good exercise. 308 00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:08,600 You know what I mean? I think it's just a case of me taking the upper body 309 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,200 and you maybe taking the legs, the lower body, 310 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:17,000 and just lowering him in very gently. So, shall we go help him in? 311 00:23:18,300 --> 00:23:21,100 Right, how are we gonna do this? 312 00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:23,500 - Did you shower? - Yeah. 313 00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:28,600 It's Julia o'clock here in the Welsh mining village of Llandewi Breffi, 314 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:32,800 and out gay man Daffyd Thomas is enjoying a drink. 315 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:38,900 - Another Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy. - Coming right up. 316 00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:42,900 - Bloody hell, I'm so down. - Why is that? 317 00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:45,500 It's so hard, being the only gay in the village. 318 00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:50,300 I dream of meeting other gays who understand what it's like to be a gay. 319 00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:54,500 I was gonna tell you. I was talking to old Ma Evans. 320 00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:59,600 She's got a new lodger from Cardiff. And guess what? He is a gay. 321 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,600 - What? In the village? - Yes. 322 00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:08,100 I told her to send him over here tonight so you could meet him. 323 00:24:08,100 --> 00:24:10,700 This must be him now. 324 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,800 Hello. Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please? 325 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,200 Oh, you must be Daffyd. 326 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,700 There you go. 327 00:24:20,700 --> 00:24:24,500 - I'll leave you boys to it. - No, don't go... 328 00:24:26,300 --> 00:24:28,900 Just passing through, are you? 329 00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:33,000 No, I've got a job here. I'm looking for somewhere to live. 330 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,000 I saw a very nice cottage, but that's another story! 331 00:24:38,100 --> 00:24:40,900 - Is it? - Yes. 332 00:24:40,900 --> 00:24:44,400 And, er... you claim to be a gay, do you? 333 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:49,800 Yes, I am. Mrs Evans said I should talk to you because you're the only gay in the village. 334 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:54,500 - Now you're not. Now there's two of us. - No, you're not a gay. I am gay. 335 00:24:54,500 --> 00:24:57,500 - I AM gay. - All right. 336 00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:00,100 Who played Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz"? 337 00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:02,700 (BOTH) Judy Garland. 338 00:25:02,700 --> 00:25:06,100 - How do YOU know that? - Everyone knows that. 339 00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:10,600 This'll get you. Who is the gay character in "Are You Being Served?"? 340 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,200 (ALL) Mr Humphries. 341 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,800 - Was it? - Yes. 342 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:22,000 That's very subtle, then. I always thought it was Captain Peacock, with the moustache. 343 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,700 I've passed your gay test, so I must be gay. 344 00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:29,900 No, you are not a gay. I am the gay. You're just a bit poofy. 345 00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:32,400 I AM gay. I've had sex with men. 346 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:37,900 - That's more than you've had, Daffyd. - Shut up, Myfanwy! I am the only gay here! 347 00:25:37,900 --> 00:25:40,900 - Maybe I should go. - Yes, back to Cardiff. 348 00:25:41,100 --> 00:25:46,100 - We've got a gay. We don't need another one. - Well, goodbye, then. 349 00:25:46,100 --> 00:25:48,500 Provincial queens! 350 00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:55,200 Daffyd Thomas, you bloody fool! You could have had a bit of cock there. 351 00:25:56,700 --> 00:26:01,900 "Oh, I'm the only gay in the village." You're full of shit, you are. 352 00:26:01,900 --> 00:26:07,400 That's exactly the kind of homophobic attitude I've come to expect in this village! Good day! 353 00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:12,000 Now... about this essay. 354 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,500 I done it! 355 00:26:14,500 --> 00:26:17,500 Yeah. I have one or two problems with it. 356 00:26:17,700 --> 00:26:21,900 "What was Lord Kitchener's role in World War I?" 357 00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:24,300 "No, but yeah. 358 00:26:24,300 --> 00:26:29,500 "In World War I, or summink, there was this bloke, right, called Kitchen, or summink, 359 00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:35,100 "or nuffing, who done this fing, but he ain't ne... even not done it, so shut up. 360 00:26:35,100 --> 00:26:39,600 "Kathy reckons she saw Candice getting off with Tony..." Tozer? 361 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,600 - Tozer, yeah. - "...in Foot Locker, but don't listen to her. 362 00:26:42,900 --> 00:26:48,900 "She's got one tit bigger than the other." Vicky, this simply won't do. 363 00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:51,800 Why? Is there a problem with spelling? 364 00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:58,100 So, Home Secretary, what are your priorities for the next 12 months? 365 00:26:58,100 --> 00:27:03,300 I would say the biggest challenge we face now is the increasing influx of Minstrels. 366 00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:06,300 There are too many Minstrels in this country. 367 00:27:06,300 --> 00:27:12,000 I say there's a case for saying that a good deal of them should be sent back to Minstrel Land. 368 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,900 In my constituency over the weekend... 369 00:27:14,900 --> 00:27:19,400 (CHANGING CHANNELS) # Swanee, how I love ya, how I love ya! 370 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,000 # My dear old Swanee! 371 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:27,900 # I'd give the world to be among the folks in D-l-X-l-E 372 00:27:27,900 --> 00:27:31,600 # My mammy is waitin' for me, prayin' for me 373 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,800 # Down by the Swanee... # 374 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,000 I think we're gonna need another tin. 375 00:27:50,100 --> 00:27:53,100 In fact, get two. 376 00:27:53,100 --> 00:27:55,800 I hope you've enjoyed tonight's programme. 377 00:27:55,800 --> 00:28:00,300 If you haven't, jot down the names appearing on your screen 378 00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:02,900 and make obscene phone calls to them. 379 00:28:02,900 --> 00:28:06,900 There's mine now. Quick! Until next time, good bike. 380 00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:13,700 Hello? No, I'm not wearing any knickers. 33040