Original subtitles

So, I just finished reading this book about losing your memory,

It's really good, actually, you'll have to read it.

- I'll give it to you. - Yeah, I think I read one once.

I think this one's written by John something.

He's some professor at some school.

What's that supplement called that's supposed to, like,

Boost your memory? I think it's called

Kinky Balboa?

I think it's Gecko Barbiko?

Oh, yeah, that totally sounds right.

Wow, it's about time.

Come on, you son of a gun.

Oh, you're a big one.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah--

Ah!

Dang.

What the...?

What the hell is that?

Hey, stranger.

You should come join us.

Yeah, come on in. The water is great.

You might wanna take off that coat first.

- Or leave it on.

Come on, let's party.

Hey, girls!

Hi, Mrs. Pepperdove!

So you girls ready to have a good time this weekend?

I can't wait. I've never been camping before.

I have. It's really fun.

We get to go on hikes and make campfires

- and roast marshmallows. - That sounds like so much work.

Can't we just go to the beach?

Yeah, there'd be less bugs and dirt.

We're not going to the beach. Besides, camping's a lot of fun

and you'll learn some necessary survival skills.

What're you reading, Mary Ann?

Oh, it's a book on Cryptids.

How is it?

Oh, there's this fascinating chapter on...

Oh, there's this fascinating chapter on...

- You're such a geek. - You're such an idiot.

- Spaz. - Slut.

Knock it off, girls.

- Sorry. - Sorry, Mrs. Pepperdove.

Are you princesses done chatting?!

If we don't get a move on, traffic's gonna be a bitch!

Now move it!

- Yep.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, all right, put him on.

Yeah, this is Berry.

Fishermen, huh?

Third incident this week?

Okay. Well, what's the name of this place again?

"Skull mountain"

up near Ahwahnee.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I'm sending someone up there to check it out.

His name is Harland James.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll have him contact you once he gets up there.

Uh-huh.

All right. Thank you for calling.

James, get your ass in here!

Have I got a story for you.

It's not those Jersey Devil twins again, is it?

No, this is bigger

and real.

Seems a man was out fishing yesterday

and when his cooler full of beer went missing.

'Pears it was stolen by bigfoot.

Bigfoot?

James, this isn't some made up grainy camera footage.

There are actual footprints left in the mud.

This person was so close to bigfoot,

he could've kicked him square in the crotch

had he turned around.

So, he didn't actually see him?

No, but I did just get off the phone with the local Sheriff

and he told me this is the third incident in two days.

The day we get law enforcement calling us with these stories,

they have to be real.

I need you to get up there and see what you can find.

Oh, okay. So, where am I headed?

Some place called "skull mountain" up near Ahwahnee.

Once you get there,

Look up Sheriff Bubba Lopez and he'll fill you in.

You tell everyone

the Tattle Tale will offer 25,000 cash

for anyone who can capture the creature

dead or alive.

25 grand?

We've never offered that much for a story.

I know, but we're talking about

one of the most illusive creatures in the world.

If we can just get pictures of this thing,

or better yet, his corpse,

we'll make a fortune.

That seems a little extreme.

Hey, that's journalism.

You do what you gotta do to get your story.

After all these years,

I'm finally gonna get that stinking ape.

James, this could be huge.

Just get down there and get me that story

no matter what.

This looks like a good spot, don't you think?

You know, I'm tired of driving. It's perfect.

Okay, girls. Let's unpack, let's get this stuff out of the van.

- We're gonna camp here. - Isn't there a bell boy...

Get the crap out of the van now!

You've gotta be firm with them, otherwise they'll walk

all over you.

There's mud?

Ow! Watch where you're putting that thing.

That's not what you said last night.

What the heck is this?!

Seriously, you two don't know your ass from a hole in the ground.

Let me see that pole!

Like she's ever said that before.

What was that?!

She said the instructions are in German.

It's actually pretty simple if you aren't a moron.

So, have you ever camped up here before?

In fact, I think there's a swimming hole near here.

Hope you brought your suit.

How's everything going over here, girls?

I think we got it under control.

Good. Why don't you two go gather some wood before it gets dark, okay?

Yeah, it's right over here.

Yeah, this is the spot right here.

Oh.

I am so very glad that you called me.

You ever seen footprints this size before?

Well, I'll tell you, I have seen bigger.

But don't get me wrong,

this is a very, very interesting specimen.

Ho!

So what do you think?

Ah, this is a very interesting specimen, Sheriff.

Ah, I would like to have some plaster casts made

so I can study them.

So, Professor, tell me,

Do you think the campers are in any real danger?

I mean, do we need to be concerned about these ah,

well, ah, it's hard to say.

They're not generally known to be very violent creatures.

However, there's no telling what they'll do

- if provoked. - Huh.

All right.

Wait until tonight...

At the dance off.

Hey, brother.

Uh, oh!

Sweet hog.

- He is kinda cute. - Oh, yeah?

All right.

What'll it be?

Well, I'm supposed to meet sheriff Lopez here.

Have you seen him?

Yeah, he was in here earlier,

but ah, he had to go do an interview with some newswoman.

I'm sure he'll be back soon.

Why don't you have a drink while you wait?

Sure. You got any root beer?

Yeah.

Well, you're gonna pay the same price as regular beer.

- It's all right. - All right.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

What the hell!

Are you staring at my woman?!

I'm-I'm sorry. What?

I caught you starin' at my woman!

I-I-I wasn't staring at anyone.

Eddie, I caught this guy lookin' at my woman.

Your woman?! That's my girl!

That's my girl!

Would you two stop it?

You both know she's mine, right?

Hey! Knock it off or take it outside!

The Sheriff's gonna be here any minute!

Sorry, bud.

Why is the Sheriff comin'?

I don't know.

Supposed to talk to this kid.

Who are you,

and what are you doin' in our part of the woods?

I'm a reporter with the Tattle Tale.

Why you gotta meet with Bubba?

Well, he called with ah, some sightings of bigfoot.

I came to get the scoop and um, offer a reward

for whoever could capture the beast.

What kind of reward we talkin' about?

25 grand...

Cash.

Did you say 25 grand?

Yep. 25 grand,

dead or alive.

'Nother round, fellas?

Sorry, bud. We gotta go.

Boys.

Cup of coffee, bud.

All right, Sheriff.

You must be Harland James.

Yeah, how-how'd you know?

Well, 'cause you're the only one in here that I haven't met.

Thanks, bud.

Bubba Lopez. I'm the local Sheriff here.

Pleasure to meet you, sir.

So...

I'm hearing that you've been having some problems with bigfoot.

Well, he's quite a legend around these parts.

Some people believe in him,

most don't. Some claim to have had

you know, from what I've heard, he pretty much minds to himself.

Although I guess lately,

he's been causing some of the tourists

a little bit of harassment.

I'd love to talk to some of the people who have seen him.

That can be arranged.

Great.

Oh, and my editor wanted me to mention

we're offering a reward of 25,000

for whoever can capture the monster.

First of all, Mr. James, he's not a monster.

Second of all,

well, if the locals find out about that money,

there's liable to be all kinds of people running around here

with shotguns and someone's liable to get hurt.

I suppose you've got a point.

So, when can we get started?

Well, tomorrow morning.

- Where're you stayin'? - At the Black Hawk Lodge...

- That's perfect. - Right across the street.

All right, I'll pick you up at 9:00.

And it looks like the show's about to start.

All right, all right, settle down.

Contest is about to start.

Now the rules are real simple.

The contestant that gets the loudest applause

is gonna win one free night at the Black Hawk Lodge

and also, one free entre

at Ling's Chinese and Italian restaurant

in Norfolk.

So, let's hear it for contestant number one.

All right.

Contestant number one, let's hear it for her!

Contestant number two, let's see what you can do!

Pretty good. Let's hear it for contestant number two!

Contestant number two, man.

Contestant number three, let's see it.

All right, let's hear it for contestant number three.

I don't know though, y'all.

It's unanimous.

Contestant number one, you're the winner!

Come on, boy. Look what they're doing there.

Sheriff, aren't you gonna break it up?

Huh. I would but I'm off duty.

Oh, I can smell that money.

What're you gonna do with your cut, Sonny?

First, I'm gonna get me a new huntin' bow.

Then, I'm gonna take the missus out to the nicest restaurant in town,

order some egg rolls and spaghetti,

and have us a feast.

What about you?

There's this used truck I've had my eye on for quite some time.

What about you, Roger?

I hadn't really decided what I'm gonna do with my half of the reward.

Your half?!

There's three of us.

I'm takin' half the reward!

You two can split the other half any way you want.

That's bull! Why you get half?!

My guns!

My ammo!

My reward!

Yeah, that sounds fair.

Let's pick this stuff up and go collect our money.

I was a hand-hooked killer!

Lame.

Does anyone else have a story?

Well, I do. But it's not really a ghost story.

Well, go ahead and tell it anyways.

Well, the book I'm reading has this chapter on sasquatch...

What the hell is a sasquatch?

Bigfoot.

The book I'm reading has a chapter on bigfoot,

this half-man, half-ape creature.

Science doesn't have any proof that he exists,

but lots of people think he's real.

Apparently, he's eight foot tall

and weighs 500 pounds.

Mary Ann, you're just making that up.

No, I'm not.

There's been bigfoot sightings all over the world.

In fact, there's been sightings in these mountains.

Here?

Is this thing dangerous?

Well, he has a very distinct smell,

and they say he's extremely dangerous.

He can snap a man in half like a twig.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Personally, I think that was just a bunch of crap.

My story was way better.

Well, it's getting late. We should all turn in.

So was all that true about sockwatch?

It's "sasquatch".

And I don't know, some people believe in him,

some people don't.

Nobody's captured him to prove that he exists,

but I like to think he's out there.

It gives me the creeps thinking that he's out there.

Well, don't worry. You'll know if he's around.

Supposedly, he has a very distinct odor.

Wonder what he smells like.

Probably like the cafeteria after fish stick day.

- Ew! - Ew!

I swear.

This camping trip is the worst, ever.

I know. I can't wait 'til we get home.

- The sooner, the better. - I know.

Can you believe Mary Ann and her ridiculous stories?

- You didn't believe her? - No.

And don't tell me you believe that load of crap.

I don't know. I just kinda scared me

to think some giant ape lives around here.

Ah, did Morgan get all scared?

Did you want me to make you feel all better?

Mary Ann, are you awake? Did you hear that noise?

Is it scotchwad?

It's "sasquatch".

It's probably just an owl.

Go back to sleep.

It's just an owl. It's just an owl. It's just an owl.

It's just an owl. It's just an owl.

- Mornin', Sheriff.

- Mornin'.

Dang.

Sweet ride.

Yeah, I've had old Darlene there

ever since I was a Deputy.

You ever think about trading her in for a newer model?

Yeah, well, the county keeps offering to get me a new cruiser,

and I keep turnin' 'em down.

I ain't ready to give her up just yet.

Remember son,

you always dance with the girl that brought you.

- Ready to go? - Yes, sir.

Alrighty, then. Come on.

What's going on?

That's the woman that interviewed me last night.

Looks like she's with that scientist that I brought in.

You mind if we stop?

Sure. We can do that.

Looking to do another interview, Sheriff?

No, we just stopped by to kinda see what was goin' on here.

Well, stick around. I love having an audience.

Is this your new Deputy?

Oh, sorry. Simone Jennings, this is Harland James.

He works for the Tattle Tale.

He's also doing a story on bigfoot.

The Tattle Tale.

Looks like I got some competition.

We're ready.

Sorry, gentlemen, I have an interview to conduct.

We're live in five, four, three,

Two...

Bigfoot.

Fact or Myth.

His existence has been debated for years.

Adding to this controversy are several campers

who have reported encounters with this legendary creature.

I'm here with world famous Cryptozoologist

Professor Trent Grover.

- Professor. - Yes.

You've been called in to investigate.

Were you able to find any trace of this mythical creature?

Well...

See this footprint?

Oh.

This footprint was taken down by the river.

This is of an adolescent male

at least seven feet tall

weight, hm, 400 pounds.

- Professor? - Yes.

Why this trend of recent activity?

Well, this time of year is their mating season.

Ah, just I wouldn't confront one,

'cause they're liable to be extremely volatile,

ah, especially ah,

when they're horny.

Um...

What else can you tell us about these creatures?

Well, I...

Can tell you a lot about these creatures.

The general misconception

is that they're very simple and primitive.

However, I found them to be quite intelligent.

In fact, I taught one to play catch in five minutes.

Wait. Are you saying

that you've actually had contact with these animals?

Oh, yes.

I even lived with a colony of bigfoot's

for over a year when I was living up in Washington.

I-I'm-I'm sorry. Did you say you lived

- with a colony of bigfoot's? - Yes, exactly.

It was an amazing experience.

They welcomed me into their community and their society,

and ah, I was able to study their patterns and behaviors.

What exactly did you learn about them?

Ah, well-- Ahem!--

I learned ah,

they are extremely fond of garlic.

And ah, oh, they love hot dogs, too, yes.

Oh! And they are able to mimic humans.

- "Mimic humans"? - Yes, yes.

In fact, I once caught one pretending to smoke a cigarette.

It was so cute.

It looked like a huge monkey smoking.

Well, thank you, Professor, for your time.

Oh, yes, and then, there was another time

we were close to a village.

I saw one actually using a urinal, yeah.

Of course, he was using the wrong end,

- but he had the proper idea. - Well, thank you, professor.

And do you know, Simone-- May I call you Simone?

Ah, there was this time in their colony that

I taught one to play "Iron Man" on a Ukulele.

- Thank you, Professor.

This has been Simone Jennings

reporting live from Skull Mountain.

Channel 15 news.

And...we're clear.

- That went well.

Are you kidding me?

That guys is nuttier than a pound of squirrel poop.

Well, at least you look good on camera.

So Mr. James, how's your story coming along?

Call me Harland. And...

I haven't really started yet.

I hope I can get what my boss wants.

He's looking for something...

Concrete.

He's even offering a reward for the capture of bigfoot.

What kind of reward?

25 grand...cash.

Wow. For that kind of money

I might have to go buy a gun and go hunting myself.

I know. I had the same thought.

So, since you work for the Tattle Tale,

I take it, you believe in bigfoot.

I don't know.

I'd like to, but it's hard

when all you have is hearsay and blurry photographs.

I just hope something happens real soon.

Harland, you ready to go?

Oh, yeah.

I'd better get going.

- It was nice to meet you. - It was nice to meet you, too.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Well, this is the place.

Oh! Wow! This is cold!

That is so fun!

You gonna join us, Mary Ann?

You know what'd be fun?

If we just took our tops off and went skinny dipping.

- I don't think so. - Why not?

- What if someone sees us? - Then they could join us.

Come on, don't be a baby.

Mary Ann, there's no one else around.

- It's just us. - Yeah.

Ah... No, I don't think so.

I'm gonna head back.

Be a baby.

The water feels so good.

Ugh. It smells like wet dog.

Oh. Oh, are you lost little guy?

- Oh, come here, little guy.

Are you okay?

You're not a dog, are you?!

Hey, guys. I think I see someone.

Well, then we should really give them a show.

Um, guys...

What is that?

- I think it's... - Oh, my god!

- It's bigfoot!

Oh, my god! Ah!

I know what I saw.

...seven feet tall guy and he was hairy

- and then he ended up-- - Let me guess.

- You saw bigfoot, too. - Yes!

You girls are taking this prank way too far!

Enough already!

But we did see him!

See? He's right there!

How was that?

Boy, that sounded worse than the cat that got caught in the engine of my truck.

Let me see that thing.

There. That should do the trick.

Boy, look what you done!

I just tuned that for you!

Maybe you should just stick with a kazoo.

- Told you, it's too hard.

That's not something you see everyday.

Boy, what is wrong with you?!

A bunch of half-naked women go runnin' by

there is no way that you came from these loins!

I wonder what they was runnin' from.

There is only one thing that can 'cause that kind of fear

in a person. Bigfoot.

Get my gun! We're goin' huntin'!

Buford, we're gonna eat soon. Get the salad ready.

In a minute, dear.

I'm just readin' up on this latest diet craze.

Put that trash down and start tossing the salad!

What was that?!

What was what?

That noise.

I thought I heard some leaves rustling.

It was probably just the wind.

How 'bout you fix the salad and set the table?

Food's almost done.

- There's something out there, - Damn it!

You and your imagination. Remember last year at the beach

and you thought you saw a werewolf?

Hey!

I was protecting that beach.

Hey, they should've been thanking me

instead of threatening to sue me.

I told you something's out there.

Ahhh!

Uh.

It is so hot.

I can't believe how hot...

Oh, my god.

Is he doing what I think he's doing?

Gross.

Come on, let's got out of here.

Eddie, where the hell are we?

Let's see.

The sun rises in the West

and sets in the East.

The sun rises in the East

and sets in the West.

What?

Are you sure?

I-- I know I've seen it set in the East before.

Give me that map before you hurt yourself.

I know these woods like I know the back of my hand.

And I don't know where the hell we're at.

Hey, look at that.

Guys...

Check this out.

What do we do?

We follow the trail, idiot!

Let's go, Skip. They're taking off without us!

Do we have everything?

I think so.

All right, let's go.

Where are you going? The party went the other way.

Relax. It's a shortcut.

We'll beat them to the campsite.

By the time they get there, we'll already be drunk

while they'll still be picking dirt out of their teeth.

Oh, come on!

Not now!

Son of a bitch!

Dammit!

What's wrong, baby?

It looks like I blew the tranny.

Well, I'm sure someone will be along shortly.

I don't know.

This road seems pretty secluded.

I thought you said this was a shortcut.

Well, I assumed it was.

Hell, Skip. What are we supposed to do now?

We hoof it.

Oh, my god!

When I say "run", you run.

We are so screwed!

Well, that's reassuring!

Boy, get your ass up.

What the hell?

You folks havin' some trouble?

Ah, yeah, my truck died,

and we need a ride back to the RV Park.

- Can you guys give us a lift? - I'm sorry.

Name's Chester. This is my son Billy Bo Bob.

I'm Skip and this is Patty.

Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Boy, move your ass.

You folks'll have to wait till morning to get outta here.

I mean, it's gonna be dark soon.

It's okay. We've got flashlights.

Darlin', you're gonna need more than flashlights

- to stop what's out there. - What're you talking about?

I'm talkin' about bigfoot.

That's just a myth, like the loch ness monster.

Oh, bigfoot's real. Seen him myself on occasion.

In fact,

he just got through terrorizing some women down by the river.

Me and the boys been out trackin' him.

We can help you get out in the mornin',

but you best stay with us tonight.

I don't know.

Well, we got food.

We're willing to share.

Come on, Skip. They've got guns and food.

We'll be safe.

Okay, we'll stay, but it's not because

I believe in bigfoot or anything.

It's just...

I don't want Patty to trip and sprang her ankle in the dark.

What a gentleman.

Come on, I've also got some supplies in the truck.

Hey, maybe we should go get some firewood, daddy.

Good idea, boy. Get busy.

Boy's gonna get some firewood.

I was right here raking leaves about six months ago...

Yes, about two weeks ago.

Something knocked over my trash cans.

I saw thing thing come out from behind the rock.

So...what was it?

Yeah, I know it's a little blurry, but that's bigfoot.

- Bigfoot. - Oh, it was bigfoot.

I looked out, I saw him right up there on that hill.

What happened, if I may ask?

Went in the house to get me my shotgun,

and came out and he was gone.

Out of nowhere I saw this-this thing

standing right in the middle of the road.

Pretty sure he stole my car, too.

No one comes on my property without my permission,

you hear me?

Are you sure it wasn't a bear?

Are you sure it wasn't raccoons?

I got a photo of it.

Good thing for him, I haven't seen him since.

Ah, yeah. It was bigfoot.

- Let me tell you something. - Mr. James, I know what I saw.

- Bigfoot or no bigfoot... - I know it is.

Hm.

You gettin' all that?

That's right.

Are you guys done?

Na, just stopped by to use the restroom.

- Any messages? - Yes.

The mayor called. He wants you to call him back.

- Your wife also called. - Again? Alrighty.

I'll take care of this later on, okay?

Harland, I'll be right back, all right?

Can I get you a glass of water?

Ah, no. Thank you though.

Hey, it's Harland.

I knew you wouldn't be calling unless you had good news.

Did you get my story?

No, not yet.

Then why are you calling?

Well, I've talked to a few people and

I don't really think that there's a story here.

James, let me explain something to you.

You're a tabloid journalist.

You get the story no matter what.

I know, but it's hard because I--

Hey, I-I-I don't want excuses. I want results.

If you have to shave a hundred monkey's

and then glue their hair to some homeless guy

to get your picture, then that's what you do!

- Got it?! - Understood.

Good.

Now the next time we talk, you'll have my story...

- Right?! - Yes, sir.

That coffee kinda runs right through me, you know?

- All right, Rachel. - Okay, Sheriff, be safe.

All right, I will. Shall we?

Thank you for the food, Chester.

Oh, you're quite welcome, darlin'.

Do you mind if I ask you something?

Shoot.

You said you've seen bigfoot.

What's he like?

Well, he's all hairy,

bigger than a bear

and ugly as sin.

I been huntin' him for years and I ain't never caught him.

Shouldn't you be running away from something like that

instead of chasing it?

Most folks would,

but I got a score to settle with that son of a bitch.

See, my brother Riff, he disappeared one day,

showed up about a week later all beaten and bowlegged.

Well, what happened?

While he was out huntin' for some dinner

and he got knocked unconscious

and he woke up in a cave lying next to

a female bigfoot.

But she had her way with him, and he just couldn't

talk about it.

That's horrible.

Well, that's not the half of it.

He wound up in the Himalayas,

you know, tryin' to clear his head

and get away from all this.

While he was out taking a leak in the snow one day,

and he got punched in the head and knocked unconscious

he woke up in a Yeti cave.

You've gotta be kiddin' me?

I wish I was, friend.

He found out he had been violated...

Again.

And poor old Riff,

He ain't never been the same since.

Oh, you folks want some more beans?

No...

We're good.

I think we're gonna turn in.

Come on, Patty.

What're you doin?

Those hillbilly's are right outside.

Oh, they won't mind. Besides,

daddy needs his sugar.

Not now, Skip.

Come on.

We might as well make the best of a bad situation.

Ohhh...

Ahhh.

Yeahhh.

Aahhh.

What do you want, boy?

Which bigfoot?

Gimme my gun.

- Ah-hah!

Oh!

You did it, daddy.

Come on, let's finish this.

I wanna see its face when I pull the trigger.

What the...?

What's going on? I thought I heard a gun shot.

I did it.! I finally shot that bastard!

Ah...

Ah, I got...

It sure looks a lot like Skip.

That is Skip, you idiot. Help him up.

You shot me in the ass!

Take it easy, fella.

What were you doing out here in this crazy outfit?

It was cold and I had to use the bathroom!

We thought you were bigfoot.

Well, I'm not!

What am I supposed to do with this chunk taken outta my ass?!

Well...

I think there's a first aid kit in the truck.

Well, thank you, darlin'.

You can go on back to sleep now.

Are you sure you don't need my help?

Na, it's nothin' serious.

I believe we can handle it from here on.

All right.

Ah! Get me outta here.

Ah! How bad is it?

I feel like I lost a lot of blood.

You're gonna be fine. The boy just barely grazed you.

Barely grazed me?! You tell it to my ass!

Ah.

Ah, ha-ha!

Barely nicked ya. Nothin' but a scratch.

It's not a scratch.

Trust me. I seen a lot worse.

I haven't.

Why don't you make up your mind?!

- Shut up, Billy! - I'm sorry, daddy.

Hey, baby.

Did those hillbilly's fix you up outside?

- I know it hurts.

Come lay next to momma.

Baby, you really need to take a shower.

Are you gonna stay wrapped up in that rug all night?

It looks like someone's feeling a little better.

Baby, that tickles!

Ah!

Ahh!

- Ow, that hurts! - Stop complaining!

I complain, too.

Are you sure you don't have any whiskey I can take for the pain?

For the last time, no! Now hold still!

Ah, come on. Jesus. Ah!

Baby, if you're gonna go to the bathroom,

at least take that rug off

so you don't get shot again.

Ah!

I'd be squirmin' around, too.

Ah!

Ugh!

There you are! Good at new!

Yeah.

Good as new, yeah.

Except for the huge chunk taken outta my ass!

You're fine. It's just a scratch.

You'll be up and humpin' in no time.

What...?

Thanks, Chester. I owe you one.

Bet your ass.

I-I help.

Ah.

Daddy's home.

What'd you say we...

Start the fire one more time?

Again?

Baby, I could use a little attention right now.

Yeah, I know, but I'm completely worn out.

When did you get so...

Big?

What're you talkin' about?

I've always been big.

All I can say is...

Wow.

Well, thank you.

- Sheriff. - Hm?

What's your honest take on all this bigfoot stuff?

Am I just wasting my time up here?

Hm. Well...

Whether he's real or not

one thing's for certain,

this is bigfoot country.

I've lived here all my life, and I've never had an encounter

but I've got friends and relatives who'll swear

to what they've seen. It's all a matter of

what you want to believe.

I mean, I've talked to over a dozen people

and I've heard some of the weirdest bigfoot stories,

but there's one common denominator.

Nobody's ever gotten hurt.

So what're you saying?

Why do people make him out to be such a monster?

Well, Mr. James...

There wouldn't be any good

if there were no evil.

So ah, anybody ah, claim the bounty yet?

No, not yet.

- No one has yet. - Hey, bud.

You almost bagged him once, didn't you?

What?

Wait.

You saw bigfoot?

Sure did.

I was down near by the river huntin' deer.

Boy, I had my shotgun locked on him...

He saw me.

Turned around, walked away.

Why didn't you pull the trigger?

'Cause he didn't give me a reason to.

I mean, he's out there in his natural habitat.

Probably trying to find some food.

I figure he's out there trying to survive like the rest of us.

Can I get a vodka and cranberry, please?

Sheriff, Mr. James.

Burning the midnight oil?

Something like that.

Well,

It's gettin' late. I should probably get goin'.

I'll give you a holler if I hear anything.

Do you guys serve food here?

No, just alcohol.

There's an all-night diner down the road.

You wanna go check it out? I'm really starving.

No, I think I'm good.

Well, I think I'll go check that place out.

Um, I'll see you later.

Yeah.

All I'm saying is that television's a dying medium.

Everything's online now.

So wouldn't that make your tabloid obsolete, too?

No.

There'll always be tabloids.

People will always need more junk to buy at the counter.

No matter what's going on in the world,

everybody wants to read about

Elvis and Aliens...

Even the worlds fattest cat.

I must've missed that issue.

Are you kidding me? That's every issue.

We're always trying to convince people

into believing things that

don't really exist.

I know what you mean.

The news is always preying on peoples fears.

We're only supposed to report the facts but

there's no such thing as impartiality.

There's always an agenda.

Last call.

I guess we should go.

Where are you staying?

Um...

Across the street at the ah...

Black Hawk Lodge.

Oh.

Well...

This is my stop.

I guess I'll see you later.

It's later.

Hello?

- Mornin' sunshine!

Berry?

How's my story coming?

Slowly but surely.

I got a couple leads that ah--

Get any pictures yet?

Well, no, but I um...

What good is the story without the proof?!

I know, I just-- It's, it's...

Listen to me, James.

I really need you to get to the bottom of this story.

If you can't do that,

then I'll find someone who can and you can

go back to making copies and fetching my coffee for me!

Is that what you want?

No, sir.

Now get your sorry ass out of bed and go get my story!

Who was that?

My boss.

I gotta get to work.

Think you'd better get down there

to make sure we get our story.

Now I know why I don't usually drink this much.

I can really go for something to eat.

- You wanna get breakfast? - Sure.

- Hello? - Hey, it's Bubba.

Listen, I just got a report of another encounter.

It seems like one of the local women

got up close and personal a few weeks ago with bigfoot.

Well, can I talk to her?

Well, you can try.

Her name's ah, Julie Lewis.

She runs the local children's store.

It's called, "Just 4 Kidz".

Might wanna hear what she has to say.

That is, if she'll talk to you.

Where's the store located?

All right. Thanks, Sheriff.

What's wrong?

Looks like we just got our first lead.

Dammit, boy! What the hell's wrong with you?

You coulda blown my brains out.

- Sorry, daddy. - Quiet, boy.

We're in bigfoot country.

You smell that?

That's the smell of the beast.

- Are you sure that's bigfoot? - Yep.

I smelled that stink before.

He's so close I can taste him.

- Ah, daddy... - Quiet, boy.

But ah...

You're gonna get us killed, boy.

What?

Oh, son of a bitch! Why didn't you say somethin'?

I swear.

There's no way you coulda come from these loins.

Come on, boy. Let's get outta here.

Hi. I'll be right with you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, thank you.

Is there anything I can help you folks with today?

Yes. Sheriff Lopez sent us over here.

He said you had an encounter with bigfoot.

Oh, you must be the reporter

and the guy from the tabloid.

He told me you might be stopping in.

Miss Lewis, would you mind telling us what happened?

I don't think so.

Any information you provide would be helpful.

No, I don't think so.

I didn't even want to tell the Sheriff.

Please, Miss Lewis. It's important.

Well, okay.

I've lived up here my whole life

and never once did I believe in bigfoot,

but now, I know he's real.

It happened several weeks ago.

There's this spot by the river where I go to sunbathe.

No one ever goes there.

This spot is so peaceful and private,

I'm able to relax and not be bothered by anyone,

ever.

Since this spot is so secluded,

I'm able to do whatever I want.

Next thing I know,

the sky went dark.

I thought maybe someone had discovered my secret place.

I couldn't quite make out

what was standing in front of me.

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't.

It was bigfoot, all right.

A large, hairy ape-like creature.

But then, I suddenly felt a calm about the creature,

like he didn't want to hurt me.

And then he was gone, just like that.

So, all he wanted were your panties?

This happened several weeks ago.

How come you waited so long to say something?

Well, I didn't want everyone to think I was crazy.

But when I found out about the bounty,

I figured I should tell the authorities.

I'm afraid someone will kill it.

Would that be such a bad thing?

It might be the only one of its kind.

Miss.

I'll be right with you.

Can I take this?

Oh, no, go ahead.

Thank you for your time, Miss Lewis.

So what do you think?

I'm thinking we should go looking

for this thing ourselves.

Say ah, you folks from around here?

- No. - Not really.

Well, you folks better be careful.

There's been a lot of bigfoot sightings around here.

Weren't you on television?

Yes, I was.

Wow, you're prettier in person.

Say ah...

If you're not doing anything, maybe a little later

- we could ah... - She's busy.

So, where're you heading?

I don't know. Got any suggestions?

The swimming hole is real nice. It's down a ways.

- Want me to draw you a map? - Yeah.

There you go.

Oh, that'll be 14.99.

Dude, that's totally him.

No way!

He's more taller, more hairier,

excuse me.

What're you guys talking about?

Bigfoot, dude.

What about him?

He looks nothing like the postcard.

- Yeah, he does, man. - No way.

How do you two know what bigfoot looks like?

Because...

We were out partying with him last night, man!

We were out in the woods

getting nicely and toasted.

When we heard a noise.

Then, out of the blue,

there he is standing right in front of us.

So we asked if he wanted to join us.

All I could say is

that dude knew how to party.

You mean to tell me you got high with bigfoot?

No, dude.

We got wasted with bigfoot.

That's right! Yeah!

- Do you know where he is? - No, sorry.

We passed out,

and when we woke up, he was gone like,

- gone. - Gone.

Where were you guys last night?

Oh, ah, near the...

Swimming hole!

- The swimming hole. - That's right.

I guess we know where to look.

Hey, man, if you see him,

can you tell him to give me back my bong?

He took your bong?!

Ah, don't worry about it.

We'll buy a new one.

There he is! I see him!

Get down, boy! Somebody's shootin' at us.

Daddy, I'm scared!

Hold your fire down there! You're gonna kill somebody!

Chester?!

Eddie?!

What the hell are you doin?

Sorry! We thought you was bigfoot!

We?

Who else is down there with ya?

Me, Sonny and Roger!

Hold your fire. I'm comin' down.

Let's go, boy.

And don't do anything to embarrass me.

Chester Scroggins, you old goat!

What're you doin' out here in that outfit?!

Huntin' bigfoot.

After the reward money, too, huh?

Reward? What reward?

25 grand cash.

You mean, somebody's willing to pay money for that bastard?

I'd shoot him for free.

You mean to tell me you don't know anything about that reward?

I don't know nothin' about no money.

I'm just huntin' for the hell of it.

I got a score to settle with that bastard.

Well, since you're out here, too,

why don't you join us?

Oh, no, I'm not splittin' my reward five different ways

With that son of a bitch!

Well, I might just let you shake my hand when I haul his corpse in.

Whew!

Boy, what'd I say about embarrassing me?

Chester, what in the world are you feedin' that kid?!

Come on, let's get outta here before we all pass out.

And good luck. You'll need it.

Oh, and by the way,

you need to get of them ghillie suits before somebody

takes a shot at you and takes a chunk outta your ass.

Sorry, daddy.

I couldn't hold it in.

There is no way that you came from my loins.

Let's go, boy.

And take that suit off. You look ridiculous.

...I loved the swim afterwards.

That was just...

What is that thing?

I have no idea.

It kinda looks like a bear.

That's one stressed out bear.

What're you doing?

We gotta tell someone about this.

Yes, Rachel?

Yeah, go ahead and transfer the call.

Sheriff Lopez speaking.

Ma'am, could you repeat that?

Really?

And you're absolutely positive?

Where did you say this happened at?

And you're certain about what you saw, huh?

What was your name again, ma'am?

Alrighty, much obliged. Thanks for notifying us.

Hey, it's Bubba.

You ain't gonna believe this one.

I think this is the spot where the fishermen and school girls saw him.

The Walter's weren't too far from here.

Maybe we should go up to where those girls were camping.

See any signs of footprints?

No.

Nothing.

Hold it right there.

Whoa! Take it easy, mister.

Quiet!

Don't...move.

Please, just let us go and we'll be out of your hair.

Behind you.

- What the...?! - Oh, my god!

Is that what I think it is?

Yep...

That's bigfoot.

It's okay. You folks are safe now.

What're you planning on doing?

I'm gonna shoot him right between the eyes

then maybe make a vest out of his skin

and soup out of this bones.

Look.

If it's about the money, there is no money.

I should know. I'm the reporter from the newspaper.

- Tabloid. - Whatever.

Bottom line, there was never any money.

We just said there was so we can get people to talk.

I don't care about no money.

This is personal.

My brother was raped by one of these things...

Twice.

Um...

Could you repeat that last part again?

Say good night, Gracie.

- Look, Chupacabra! - What?! Where?!

Dammit! What in the hell did you do that for?

I couldn't let you shoot him.

Come on, boy! He's gettin' away!

Ah!

I-I think I bruised my hambone, daddy.

For the love of god!

There's no way you sprang from these loins.

Now get your ass up. He's gettin' away!

You had your story right in front of you.

Why'd you do it?

Because sometimes...

Sometimes the myth is more important

than the truth.

Hey, guys.

Check this out.

Looks like a cave.

Well, what're you waitin' for? Get in there!

I ain't goin' in. Eddie, you go.

There's no way I'm goin' in first.

Fine! I'll go in first,

but I get a bigger cut of the reward.

What kind of sick freak lives here?!

I don't know.

Is your cousin back in town?

No, not that I know of.

Forget bigfoot.

We really should take care of this pervert.

Oh, my god! What's that?!

What the hell...?!

I still can't believe what just happened.

I know.

What're you gonna do?

I-I guess I'm gonna tell my boss I didn't get the story.

Whatever happens, happens.

I'll probably go back to being the copy boy.

I'm sure everything will be okay.

There you are.

I've been lookin' all over for you.

- What's going on? - They got him.

- Got who? - Bigfoot.

They finally got him!

What the hell happened to you guys?

Nothin'. Give us some whiskey.

Ha, ha. You guys don't drink whiskey.

- We do today.

All right.

Keep 'em coming, bud.

All right, come on! Get out!

Come on. Let's get outta here right now!

Let's go. Watch your step.

What's going on?

Looks like they caught bigfoot.

Well, it's about time.

Folks, we just had a break in the bigfoot case.

Here's the thing that's been causing us trouble this whole weekend.

Nothin' more than a man dressed up like an ape.

Sheriff, you gotta believe me.

This wasn't my idea. My boss sent me.

I-I didn't do anything.

We caught him in the woods.

He had a bunch of makeup and costumes in the car.

He claims he works for the Tattle Tale.

Harland?

Harland, is that you? It's me Kenny the copy boy.

Tell the Sheriff you know me. Tell him Berry sent me.

This was all Berry's idea.

Harland, do you know this man?

Sheriff, I've never seen that guy before.

I thought not.

This was just all a big joke.

Yeah, well, those campers didn't think it was such a joke!

Think your little hoax wasted our whole weekend here?

But I just got here, honest. I didn't do anything.

- Harland, help me out! - All right, quiet you.

Now I got a cell in there with your name on it!

No, I-I didn't do anything!

My boss sent me. It was all his idea.

Folks, nothin' more to see here, just a man in a monkey suit.

Come on now!

You boss sent him?

It appears so.

So what're we gonna do?

Keep quiet and go about our lives.

So, I guess that's it then.

Well...

It doesn't have to be.

I've got my room for one more night.

You feel like playing the sunbather and panty thief?

It sounds like a plan.

Get up, boy.

Daddy, I'm tired.

My foot hurts, my butt hurts,

and there's a rock in my shoe.

Hell.

I'm tired, too.

Well, we tried.

We failed.

Maybe we should just stick to huntin' ufo's.

Let me help you with that stone.

Let's go home, boy.

Are you sure you guys don't want to talk about it?

Bud, you wouldn't believe us if we told you.

I'm a bartender.

I've heard every story imaginable.

Come on, lay it on me.

Well, we was out lookin' for bigfoot

and we found this cave.

We went in and we found all these pairs of womens underwear

and empty beer bottles.

While we're lookin' around, we discovered we weren't alone.

Next thing we know, the cave went dark,

and we couldn't see a thing.

Hell, we woke up in the middle of the forest

with our pants around our ankles and a shotgun shot off...

I'm gonna have to stop you boys right there.

Maybe there are some stories that shouldn't be told.

There you go.

Consider it on the house.

All I'm sayin' is...

Maybe we're the aliens, man.

Like...

What if there's creatures

out there...

Afraid of us?

You just totally blew my mind.

You're crazy, man.

Ha, ha, yeah.

Ah, wa-wait.

What'd he say?

He said,

he said ah...

I don't know what he said.