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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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D'
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We now return to the 1971 film
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"Goodtime Slim, Uncle Doobie
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00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:38,830
and the Great Frisco Freak-out,"
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starring Troy McClure.
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Slim, if we've got the bag
with the stolen diamonds,
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then what happened to
the bag with our stash?
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00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:52,260
There's more than
one way to get high, baby.
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Whoa!
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Ooh.
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00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:02,604
Please, Marge.
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00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,331
How often can I see
a movie of this caliber
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00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:05,523
on late-night TV?
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00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,317
Is there something wrong, Homie?
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No. It's just that I've only
seen this movie twice before
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and I've seen you every night
for the last 11 ye...
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What I meant to say is...
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we'll snuggle tomorrow,
sweetie, I promise.
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Enchiladas!
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Mom! Dad!
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Don't turn on the light!
Don't turn on the light!
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There's a U.F.O.
outside my window.
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Seriously.
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Bart.
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00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:43,858
It's just an old golf
umbrella stuck in a tree.
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C-Can I sleep in there
with you guys tonight?
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No.
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Can I sit on the roof
with a baseball bat
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- in case the U.F.O. does come?
- Yes, yes, yes. That's fine.
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Good, good.
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I hope you kept
the Homie fires burning.
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Homer!
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- Homer, wake up. Wake up.
- What?
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00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:07,460
We need to talk about
the marital difficulties
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00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:09,420
we've been having lately.
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00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:11,339
Marge, there's just
too much pressure
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what with my job,
the kids, traffic snarls,
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political strife
at home and abroad.
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But I promise you, the second
all those things go away,
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we'll have sex.
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I simply can't wait that long.
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Maybe we should get some help.
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00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:25,895
How about a book?
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- Ooh, okay.
- A tasteful book.
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All right.
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Hey, Marge, this guy
looks like Apu.
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Shh. I don't want
people to see us
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00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,004
looking at these books.
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Hi, guys.
What you looking at?
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00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:57,635
I'm just reading up
on artillery.
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00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,596
Yes, and I'm pursuing
my interest in...
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00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:02,783
This one's a good choice,
and it's not too smutty.
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It's a book on tape
by Paul Harvey.
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You know that nice midwestern
man on the radio
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00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,414
who's like
a pleasant version of Grampa?
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Ooh. "Mr. and
Mrs. Erotic American."
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00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:14,777
Mom, Dad.
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00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,381
Look! This biography
of Peter Ueberroth
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00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:17,572
is only 99 cents.
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00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:19,449
And I found
the new Al Gore book.
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"Sane Planning,
Sensible Tomorrow."
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00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:24,388
Yeah, I hope it's as exciting
as his other book
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"Rational Thinking,
Reasonable Future."
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I'm getting
this book on U.F.O.'s.
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Did you know they're real?
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00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,811
But there's a huge
government conspiracy
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00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:33,004
to cover it up.
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00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:35,548
That's just a paranoid fantasy.
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00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:56,778
Mr. Vice President
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00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:58,988
someone finally bought
a copy of your book, sir.
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00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,824
Well, this calls
for a celebration.
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♪ Celebrate good times,
come on ♪
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I will.
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♪ Let's celebrate... ♪
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00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:12,126
Hello, Americans. Paul Harvey here.
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Did you know every good American
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00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,756
is at heart an erotic American?
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It's true.
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A famous couple...
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I don't need to tell you
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it was Dwight and Mamie
Eisenhower...
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Offered this advice:
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"Double your pleasure
with a bath... together."
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Homie, I can't quite...
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The faucet's jammed
into my back.
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00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,405
I'm stuck.
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So am I.
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Kids?
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Kids?
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A romantic vacation
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can provide titillation.
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Sensual, sanitary seclusion
awaits you
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00:04:58,339 --> 00:05:02,093
at any of America's fine
AAA-approved motor lodges.
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00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,142
The Arabian Nights Room
looks nice.
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00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:10,268
The Pharaoh's Chamber
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00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,270
has a vibrating sarcophagus.
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00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:14,063
Sorry there, Fred and Ethel.
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00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,732
You should have made
a reservation.
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00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:18,234
We only got one room left.
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00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,070
The toilet is overflowing
in the Caveman Room.
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00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,076
Here we are.
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00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,662
The "utility room."
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00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,541
This isn't very erotic.
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00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:35,376
I think it's an
actual utility room.
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00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,504
No, honey,
it's a romantic fantasy.
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00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:41,841
I imagine I'm the janitor,
and you're...
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00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:44,177
the janitor's wife
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who has to live with me
in the utility room.
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00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,477
Don't mind me, folks.
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00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,354
Just need to get
the ol' wet-dry vac.
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00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:00,360
By now your new, improved love life
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00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:03,446
should have you flinging woo
like nobody's business.
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00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:06,532
So, to you,
Mr. And Mrs. Erotic American
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I bid... good day.
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00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,419
Welcome home, son.
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I broke two lamps
and lost all your mail.
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What's wrong with your wife?
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Never mind.
You wouldn't understand.
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- Flu?
- No.
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00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,843
- Protein deficiency?
- No.
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00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,846
Pneumonoultramicroscopic
silicovolcanoconiosis?
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00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:29,847
No.
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00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,766
Unsatisfying sex life?
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00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:35,520
Yes, but please,
don't you say that word.
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00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:38,106
What? Sex!
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00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,816
What's so unappealing
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00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:42,860
about hearing your elderly
father talk about sex?
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00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:45,154
I had sex.
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00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,703
You're home safe.
Done my duty.
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00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:54,181
See you the next time
we need your signature.
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00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:56,499
Aw, you never want
to spend any time with me.
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00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:59,544
But I can help you
with your loving problem.
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00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:01,129
I got a home remedy
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00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:04,006
that'll put the dowsers
back in your trousers.
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00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:09,595
Legend has it
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00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,265
my great Grampappy
stumbled upon this recipe
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00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:14,851
when he was trying to invent
a cheap substitute
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00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,102
for holy water.
140
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:21,983
Here you g...
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00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,109
Hey!
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00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,529
Here you go, you ingrate.
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00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:31,242
Think of me when you're having
the best sex of your life.
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Drink it.
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00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,214
Kids, here's $50.
Why not go to the movies
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00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,008
then take a cab
to your aunt's house.
147
00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:49,302
Stay there. Phone call you later.
Now now now.
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00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:50,970
Whoa! Homie, what's...
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00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:53,181
Marge, I'll explain
to you afterwards.
150
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:04,775
What do you think
Mom and Dad are doing right now?
151
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:05,859
I don't know.
152
00:08:16,078 --> 00:08:17,121
Here he is.
153
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:18,498
Rex Harrison and Paul Anka
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00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:19,624
rolled into one.
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00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:22,585
Ooh...
156
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,212
That tonic really works.
157
00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:25,630
You and Grampa should bottle it
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00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:27,256
and go into business together.
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00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,967
You want me to spend
more time with Dad?
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00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,636
What about my
new year's resolution?
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00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:33,513
You can make a lot of money.
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00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,806
Yeah! Where are my pants?
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00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:36,909
You threw them out the window
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00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,476
in a fit of passion.
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00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:39,912
You said you were never going
to need them again.
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00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,396
Hurry, Neddie, they're awful.
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00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,941
You just be ready
with that garbage bag.
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00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,320
Ooh, mama!
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00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:51,572
This is finally
really happening.
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00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:53,157
After years of disappointment
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00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,909
with "get rich quick" schemes,
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00:08:54,992 --> 00:08:58,079
I know I'm gonna get rich
with this scheme... and quick.
173
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,834
Sir. Hello, sir.
174
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:06,629
Yes. You look like a man
who needs help
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00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:07,922
satisfying his wife, so...
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00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:10,841
I guess people have some sort
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00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,802
of moral objection
to our sex drug.
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00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,929
Let me sell it, you idiot!
179
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,307
Step right up, folks
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00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,434
and witness the magnificent
medicinal miracle
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00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:24,855
of Simpson and Son's
patented Revitalizing Tonic!
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00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,233
Put some ardor in your
larder with our energizing
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00:09:27,316 --> 00:09:29,151
moisturizing, tantalizing,
184
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:32,488
romanticizing,
surprising her-prizing,
185
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,907
revitalizing tonic.
186
00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:41,747
I doubt very highly
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00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,250
that one elixir could boast
so many fantastic properties.
188
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,504
What say we am-scray out of here
189
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,924
and have a wild wing-ding
at the cyclotron, doctor?
190
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,844
Anything you say,
professor. Whoa!
191
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,807
Tonight we'll push
the twin beds together.
192
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:01,392
And I found something
for Milhouse
193
00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:02,893
down at the mall too.
194
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:03,894
A pup tent.
195
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,104
Boy.
196
00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,981
Now I can sleep out in the yard.
197
00:10:07,064 --> 00:10:08,774
Yeah! Every single night.
198
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:13,487
I've discovered that
the rejuvenating effect
199
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:16,407
people feel is actually
a mild form of poisoning...
200
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,409
No doubt a result of
the unsanitary conditions
201
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,536
in Grampa Simpson's bathtub.
202
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,121
Nonetheless...
203
00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:32,923
What's going on?
204
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:34,258
Where are all the grown-ups?
205
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,718
Who cares?
206
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,304
With no adults around,
I run this city.
207
00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:42,475
Carry on.
208
00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:44,685
Listen to this.
209
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,604
"Unexplainable behavior...
210
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:48,773
"individuals acting
in a secretive fashion
211
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:51,609
"are often involved
with U.F.O.'s
212
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,611
"or other paranormal phenomena,
213
00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:55,905
e.g., telephone explosions."
214
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:59,450
Jeez, if it's in a book,
it's got to be true.
215
00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:00,826
Scary, no?
216
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,370
And this guy's
217
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:03,788
head of the Spaceology
Department
218
00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:06,540
at the Correspondence
College of Tampa!
219
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,292
Will you cook my dinner for me?
220
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,044
My parents aren't around
221
00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:12,421
and I'm not allowed
to turn on the stove.
222
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,633
Hurry up!
223
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,094
We got a lot of tonic to sell
and a lot of towns to visit.
224
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:21,555
Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom,
Lake Flaccid...
225
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,600
Great. I'm gonna be stuck
in a car all weekend
226
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,560
with that wheezy windbag.
227
00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:29,355
And that's what's wrong
with Bart's generation.
228
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,190
Now, as for your generation...
229
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,403
And for the minimal outlay
of one dollar
230
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:38,280
you can take home a bottle
of liquid lothario.
231
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:39,824
Distilled Don Juan.
232
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:42,034
Catalytically carbonated
Casanova.
233
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:46,080
Lock old Rover in the shed
'cause man has a new best friend
234
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:49,166
in Simpson and Son's
Revitalizing Tonic.
235
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,584
I'm not convinced!
236
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,586
I've had bad luck
with aphrodisiacs.
237
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,547
All questions will be answered.
238
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,215
All fears will be allayed
239
00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:59,009
with one incontrovertible
demonstration.
240
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,846
May I have a volunteer
from the audience?
241
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:04,056
Yes... you sir!
242
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,016
Now, sir, you've never
seen me before
243
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,017
is that correct?
244
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:08,602
That is correct.
245
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,526
Well, than, how come his face
is on the bottle?
246
00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:15,401
Um...
247
00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,946
♪♪
248
00:12:20,614 --> 00:12:22,408
You're the worst
shill I've ever seen.
249
00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:24,410
You're a disgrace to the
medicine show business.
250
00:12:24,493 --> 00:12:25,828
They didn't start chasing us
251
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,872
until you turned on
that getaway music.
252
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:47,933
Okay, it's now painfully clear.
253
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,686
The adults are definitely
paving the way
254
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,938
for an invasion
by the saucer people.
255
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,774
You fool! Can't you see
256
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,525
it's a massive
government conspiracy?
257
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,403
Or have they gotten to you too?
258
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:04,074
Hey, hey, hey!
Stop it! Stop it!
259
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:06,786
Why are you guys jumping
to such ridiculous conclusions?
260
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,913
Haven't you ever heard of
"Ockham's razor"?
261
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:11,749
"The simplest explanation
is probably the correct one."
262
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:13,542
So what's the
simplest explanation?
263
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,919
I don't know.
264
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,504
Maybe they're
all reverse vampires
265
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:18,631
and they have
to get home before dark.
266
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:21,967
Reverse vampires!
267
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,348
Hey, wait a minute.
268
00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:30,100
That's Amos Pierson's
moose farm.
269
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,227
Make a right here.
270
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,651
Ew... Why are we stopping
at this dump?
271
00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:42,196
That's the house
you grew up in, son.
272
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:44,281
Wow!
273
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,992
Let's go find that
hot dog tree I planted.
274
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,869
Yeah, we lived here
275
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:51,205
till the bank foreclosed in '63.
276
00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:53,499
Farm went bust after the cows
277
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:56,210
started giving sour milk.
278
00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:59,380
Something must have
spooked them good.
279
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:01,882
Nyah, stupid cows!
280
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,592
Na-na-na-na-na.
281
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:06,804
Boo! Boo!
282
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,978
Memories.
283
00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:17,481
If this old place
could talk, it'd say...
284
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:29,158
There she is,
285
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,995
the old Radiation King.
286
00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:32,913
You'd park yourself right there
287
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:35,708
and watch for hours on end.
288
00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:42,006
If I, may, Helen,
I'd like to respond to that question
289
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:44,008
with yet another flip remark.
290
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:47,594
Wow.
291
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,266
Look at me, er, Mom.
292
00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:54,768
I am, er, President Kennedy.
293
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,437
Abe.
Maybe our Homer
294
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,273
could grow up to be
President someday.
295
00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:00,858
You, President?
296
00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,902
This is the greatest country
in the world.
297
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:05,946
We've got a whole system
set up to keep people like you
298
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,239
from ever becoming President.
299
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,450
Quit your daydreaming,
melonhead!
300
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,870
Quit your daydreaming,
melonhead!
301
00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:14,371
Dad...
302
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:17,166
How come you never
gave me any encouragement?
303
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:19,668
Maybe I could have been
something more than I am.
304
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,421
Like a travel agent
to a great scientist
305
00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:23,714
or the inventor
306
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,925
of a hilarious
refrigerator alarm.
307
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,468
Who are you to complain?
308
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:28,761
You lock me up in a home
309
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,638
and give me the same damn
310
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,222
shower safety seat
every Christmas.
311
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:34,951
Your whole life you never said
312
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,602
one nice thing to me.
313
00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:38,771
That's 'cause you're a screw-up.
314
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:40,439
You're the screw-up!
315
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:42,483
Why, you little...
316
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,652
All right.
317
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,735
All right. That's it.
318
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,154
We're going home.
319
00:15:47,237 --> 00:15:48,822
I'm sick of you
and your stupid tonic.
320
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,784
If I hadn't taken that
stupid tonic 38 years ago
321
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:54,203
you'd have never been born
and I'd have been happy.
322
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,704
You were an accident!
323
00:15:58,415 --> 00:15:59,458
Get out.
324
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,418
I'm sorry I said that.
325
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:02,670
Out.
326
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,713
I'm going to get out of the car
327
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,924
and I hope you'll find it
in your heart
328
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:08,676
not to drive awa...
329
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,304
Well, I'll be all right
330
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:15,599
as long as I can remember
my Army training.
331
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:18,936
Dang!
332
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:28,278
I'm sorry.
333
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:36,412
Hi.
334
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,747
Homie, are you really going
to ignore Grampa
335
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,748
for the rest of your life?
336
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,583
Of course not, Marge.
337
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,127
Just for the rest of his life.
338
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:44,712
He said I was an accident.
339
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:45,838
He didn't want to have me.
340
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,589
You didn't want to have Bart.
341
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,442
I know, but you're never
supposed to tell the child.
342
00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:51,486
You tell Bart all the time.
You told him this morning.
343
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,303
But when I do it, it's cute.
344
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,848
So finally
we're all in agreement
345
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,725
about what's going on
with the adults.
346
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:58,808
Milhouse.
347
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,645
Okay. Here's what we've got.
348
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:04,898
The Rand Corporation
in conjunction with
349
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,984
- the saucer people...
- Thank you.
350
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:10,320
Under the supervision
of the reverse vampires...
351
00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,241
Are forcing our parents
to go to bed early
352
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:17,953
in a fiendish plot to
eliminate the meal of dinner!
353
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,415
We're through
the looking glass here, people.
354
00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:25,252
Kids, your daddy and his daddy
are involved in a very sticky
355
00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:28,964
nutty, chewy, chocolatey...
Put it away, boy...
356
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,674
Situation,
357
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,469
and your daddy has realized
something very important.
358
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,805
A father should always
make his kids feel wanted.
359
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,182
Starting right now, I promise
360
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:39,558
to spend a lot more time
with you
361
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:42,936
and give you the attention
you deserve.
362
00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,521
I can't breathe.
363
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:49,610
And just feast your ears on
this tantalizing testimonial
364
00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:51,320
from my own flesh and blood...
365
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:54,448
The son who puts the fun
in Simpson and Son,
366
00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,950
my son, Barney!
367
00:17:57,034 --> 00:18:00,120
I used to be a fat,
disgusting slob.
368
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,499
That medicine seems to be
giving your son
369
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:04,917
a lot of gas.
370
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,044
I assure you his
belching is the result
371
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:09,129
of an unrelated alcohol problem.
372
00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,806
It just ain't the same
without Homer.
373
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,183
He knew how to drive a car.
374
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,648
Son, my dear son.
375
00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:30,025
From now on, I'm going to be
a good and attentive father.
376
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,109
And for starters,
377
00:18:31,151 --> 00:18:32,611
your old man is gonna
378
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,488
to teach you how to ride
379
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:36,490
your very first bike.
380
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:44,456
Dad, number one,
381
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:45,791
I know how to ride a bike.
382
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:47,835
Number two, I already own a bike
383
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:50,295
and number three,
that is a girl's bike.
384
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,172
You're no girl.
385
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:53,632
You're a boy.
386
00:18:53,715 --> 00:18:54,633
A good boy.
387
00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:55,968
You can be President.
388
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:58,220
Scratch that.
You will be President!
389
00:18:58,303 --> 00:18:59,303
Dad!
390
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:00,681
I think Lisa
391
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,975
needs another push
on her new tire swing.
392
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:06,228
No, Dad, I want to get down.
393
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,521
This tire is filthy
394
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,857
and the steel belts
are poking me.
395
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,985
- Whee!
- No!
396
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:14,278
No offense, Homer
397
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:15,821
but your half-assed
underparenting
398
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:18,657
was a lot more fun than your
half-assed overparenting.
399
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,701
But I'm using my whole ass.
400
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:23,036
Dad, it's just that
too much of your love
401
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,496
can really be...
402
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,331
scary.
403
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,461
Someday you'll thank me
for all this scary love.
404
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,422
Now I've got to go somewhere
405
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,465
and do some serious thinking.
406
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,262
I'm sure he meant to say
serious drinking.
407
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,805
That's what I assumed.
408
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:48,228
Here's where it all
started to go wrong.
409
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:50,147
How am I supposed
to be a good Dad
410
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:51,773
when I never had one myself?
411
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:57,321
Dad wasn't even around
on Christmas morning
412
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:59,489
when I actually got
to meet Santa Claus.
413
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,283
Some father.
414
00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:03,493
Wait a minute.
415
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,913
Dad?
416
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:09,208
This photo is a blessing.
417
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:11,168
It eases my pain.
418
00:20:20,135 --> 00:20:23,180
This tonic's caused me
nothing but trouble.
419
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:26,058
You've done all the damage
you're gonna do.
420
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,102
Nuts!
421
00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:38,195
- Dad!
- Son!
422
00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:39,529
I'm a screw-up.
423
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,573
I burned down our house.
424
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,158
No, I'm a screw-up.
425
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,369
I burned down our house.
426
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:47,579
- You know what?
- What?
427
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,248
We're both screw-ups.
428
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,083
It doesn't matter.
429
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:53,293
What matters is you were right
430
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,003
when you told me
431
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,965
I never said anything
nice about you.
432
00:20:58,048 --> 00:21:01,593
So... are you gonn say
something nice now?
433
00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:03,345
Well, I hadn't thought
that far ahead.
434
00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:07,474
Okay, here it goes.
435
00:21:07,557 --> 00:21:11,270
I'm not sorry I had you, son,
436
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:15,023
and I was always proud...
437
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:18,151
that you weren't a short man.
438
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:19,653
Aw, Dad!
439
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,576
What do you say
we roll on the grass, son?
440
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:29,121
I'm with you, Dad.
441
00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:44,136
♪♪
442
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:28,930
Shh!
443
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:34,686
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.
30809
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