All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S06E05.Sideshow.Bob.Roberts.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MZABI_track3_[eng]

♪ The Simpsons ♪

♪♪

♪ No sports, no rock,
no information ♪

♪ For mindless chatter,
we're your station ♪

KBBL talk radio.

And now Springfield's
favorite conservative

and author
of the well-selling book,

Only Turkeys Have Left Wings.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Birch Barlow.

♪♪

That Barlow's
a right-wing crackpot.

He said Ted Kennedy
lacked integrity.

Can you believe that?

Yeah, switch the station.

I consider myself
politically correct,

and his views
make me uncomfortable.

No, no, no, no, guys.

Now, I'm not very political.

I usually think people who vote

are a bit fruity,

but for some reason,

this Birch Barlow
really speaks to me.

Good morning,
fellow freedom likers.

Birch Barlow, the fourth branch
of government... The 51st state.

You know, there are three things

we're never gonna get rid of
here in Springfield.

One... The bats
in the public library.

Two... Mrs. McFirley's
compost heap.

And three... Our six-term mayor,

the illiterate, tax-cheating,
wife-swapping, pot-smoking

spendocrat Diamond Joe Quimby.

Hey, I am no longer illiterate.

Now, why are we doomed
to this Quimby quagmire, you ask,

reasonable listener?

Because this town
is under the stranglehold

of a few tie-dyed tree huggers

who would rather play hacky sack
than lock up the homeless.

This sounds
awfully controversial.

Lisa, you know I don't like
controversy in this house.

I don't like him either, Mom,

but I'm doing a report on
local politics for my school project.

You think you're so big

'cause your class
always gets to do projects.

Well, um, I'm doing
a school project on...

fireworks.

Bart, I wish you
wouldn't lie like that.

Now as a special sendoff
and a way to say

gong hei fatt choy

to our visiting
Chinese principals,

Bart Simpson has promised us
a fireworks display.

What a week.

He promised a big
firework display.

Bad student.

Uh-uh. Bad principal.

So, my friends, let's just
junk those dumbocrats

and their bleeding-heart
smellfare program.

Dad, I had to listen
to this jerk all morning.

Can we listen to something else?

When I'm driving the car,

I get to choose
the radio station.

When you're driving,

we'll listen to your
radio station.

♪ I can feel St. Elmo's fire ♪

♪ Burning in me ♪

Ooh! I can't take this anymore.
Let's switch back.

Alright, my friends,
let's go to the phones.

First up is Bob from South Springfield.
Welcome to you, sir.

Hello, Birch. Long-time
listener, first-time caller.

Kudos for bringing the public
back to the Republican Party.

It's high time people realized
we conservatives

aren't all Johnny Hatemongers
and Charlie Bible Thumps,

or even, God forbid,
George Bushes.

That sounds like Sideshow Bob!

Yes, ma'am, Sideshow Bob,

yakking it up on
the old yak box.

Dad, I'll spare you
the embarrassment

of admitting you don't know
who Sideshow Bob is.

Sideshow Bob used to be

Krusty the Clown's sidekick,

but in 1990, he framed Krusty
for armed robbery,

and Bart got him put in jail.

When he got out,
he married Aunt Selma

and tried to murder her.

Side "show" Bob.

Bart, your mortal enemy
is on the radio!

It's time for more deee-mentia
with Dr. Demento.

And now the funny five...

I meant your other mortal enemy,

Sideshow Bob.

Sideshow Bob?

I'm only ten,

and I already got
two mortal enemies.

And this proposed expressway

will bring increased commerce
to all local merchants.

What's in it for us?

Yeah. Give us
something we like,

or we'll ride you
out of town on a rail.

What do you people like?

- Sleep.
- Sexy dames, and plenty of them.

Matlock!

Well, I suppose
I could name it the...

Matlock Expressway.

But it would be
terribly myopic of me

to blame all my current woes

on one spiky-haired
little simpleton.

Myopic or,
to say the least, intransigent.

You mentioned some woes there.

Well, you see, Birch,
I'm presently incarcerated...

Convicted of a crime
I didn't even commit.

"Attempted murder."

Now, honestly, what is that?

Do they give a Nobel Prize
for attempted chemistry? Do they?

Really now,
this is a personal call!

My-my-my friends,
isn't this just typical?

Another intelligent
conservative here

railroaded by our
liberal justice system

just like...

Colonel Oliver North,
Officer Stacy Koon,

and cartoon smokesperson
Joe Camel.

Well, I've had it.

I am going to make it
my mission to see

that our friend Bob is set free.

No!

Well, despite Bart's objections,
the people of South Africa

can now vote in free
democratic elections.

My friends,
Bob is a political prisoner.

I want every loyal listener
to do everything they can

to get him out of jail.

All right, you heard the man.

One grenade each.

Moe, I think he meant

through nonviolent,
grassroots political action.

Jeez, really?
You think so?

All right, give them back.

Come on, everybody,
give 'em back.

Hey. Hey!

Who pulled the pin on this one?

Very well.

If that is the way
the winds are blowing,

let no one say
I don't also blow.

Free Bob!

By special order
of the mayor of Springfield,

you are hereby granted
a full and complete pardon.

Congratulations,
Robert Underdunk Terwilliger.

Boat's on the other side.

Yes. Thank you.

Hail, brothers.

Coranon Silaria.

Ozoo Mahoke.

Mahoke. Mahoke.

Now then, gentlemen,
the mayoral campaign is upon us,

and if we hope to defeat
this Joe Quimby,

we need a candidate with name
recognition and media savvy...

A true leader who will do
exactly as he's told.

Monty, I'm way ahead of you.

If you'll just open that door,

you'll see the next
mayor of Springfield.

Very nice.

- What'd it say?
- No, no, no.

Bob. Bob, come in.

A fine Mahoke to you all.

Why, he's even better.

I agree.

I like the human touch.

Now, students,

I want you to be
on your best behavior

for this carefully
choreographed media event.

Now, this means there is to be
no wising off, no face making,

and no grass eating.

This means you, Ralph.

Yes, sir.

Hello, children.

- Hello, Bart.
- Eep.

Young friends,

my opponent, Joe Quimby,

is confused
about your school system.

Do you know what he does?
He flip-flops.

Hey, ya, hi, ya, ho, ho.

Sometimes he doesn't know
whether he's coming or going.

He wants to sell
your future short.

Bart, we can't let Bob
steal the spotlight.

We're gonna have to stoop to
the lowest common denominator.

I can do that.

Help!

I'm being attacked by, things.

Uncle Mayor was just
saying that us kids

are the most important
natural resource we have.

More important than coal?

Er, yes.

That was a big mistake, Bart.

No children

have ever meddled
with the Republican Party

and lived to tell about it.

Stay out of Riverdale.

♪ Without a Mayor Quimby,
our town would really stink ♪

♪ We wouldn't have
a tire yard ♪

♪ Or mid-size roller rink ♪

♪ We wouldn't have
our gallows ♪

♪ Or a shiny Bigfoot trap ♪

♪ It's not the mayor's fault
that the stadium collapsed ♪

Quimby... If you were
running for mayor, he'd vote for you.

Paid for by the Mayor Quimby
for Mayor Mayoral Committee.

Hey, four-eyes, vote Quimby.

Hey, beard-o, vote Quimby.

This time he's
the lesser of two evils.

Yeah. Yeah.
I love Grimby.

Could I have some more
bumper stickers, please, dude?

All right.

The mummy's ready
for his mystical journey.

What's happening?!

That Quimby fella
promised to build us

a Matlock Expressway.

How you going to
top that, smart guy?

Well, how's this?

I'll not only build
the expressway,

I will spend the remainder
of this afternoon

patiently listening
to your interminable anecdotes.

Hot-diggity-damn!

Me first!

Not many people know

I owned the first radio
in Springfield.

Weren't much on the air then,

just Edison reciting
the alphabet

over and over.

"A," he'd say.

Then, "B."

"C" would usually follow...

Mayor Quimby supports

revolving-door prisons.

Mayor Quimby even released
Sideshow Bob,

a man twice convicted
of attempted murder.

Can you trust a man
like Mayor Quimby?

The League of Uninformed
Voters presents

the Springfield Mayoral Debates.

I'm your moderator, Larry King.

Now a word to our audience.

Even though we're being
broadcast on Fox,

there's no need for
obnoxious hooting and hollering.

I shouldn't have shaken hands
with those old people.

I hope that flu doesn't
affect his performance out there.

Don't worry. He's taken
a million of these capsules.

Sideshow Bob,
Councilman Les Whinen

says that you're not
experienced enough to be mayor.

Sir, what do you have to say
about that?

I'd say that Les Whinen
ought to do more thinking

and less whinin'.

There's no
Councilman Les Whinen.

Good line, though.

Mayor Quimby,
you are well-known, sir,

for your lenient stance
on crime,

but suppose for a second
that your house was ransacked by thugs,

your family tied up in the basement
with socks in their mouths.

You try to open the door,

but there's
too much blood on the knob...

What is your question?

My question's about
the budget, sir.

I don't agree with his
"Bart-killing policy,"

but I do approve
of his "Selma-killing policy."

Well, he framed me
for armed robbery,

but, man, I'm aching
for that upper-class tax cut.

Shh, shh.
Quiet down.

And the results are in.

For Sideshow Bob, 100%.

For Joe Quimby, 1%.

And we remind you there is
a one-percent margin of error.

All right. Let's go live
to Bob headquarters now

for Mayor Terwilliger's
victory speech.

And just look how happy he is.

It's the rapture! Quick!

Get Bart out of the house
before God comes!

So sorry, Mr. Simpson.

Your house is
blocking construction

of our new Matlock Expressway.

Now, I am a fair man.

You will have 72 hours
to vacate.

At the time,
we will blow up your house

and any remaining Simpsons.

Homer, we've got to stop them.

I know what you're up to,
Mayor Terwigiger,

and no one in my family's
gonna stand for it.

Move your gol'dern house, son!

Bart, by special request

to the mayor's office,
you are going to be left back.

You mean I have
to repeat the fourth grade?

Well, yes, but
not for four or five years.

Bart, you're going
to kindergarten.

Kindergarten?

Ha!

Now, boys and girls,
who knows what this is?

- Triangle.
- Very good, Bart.

You have first choice of toys
for free play.

Cool.
I call the Flintstone phone.

Yabba-dabba do.

I like talking to you.

We're going to lose our house

and end up living under a bridge

like common trolls.

I don't think Bob won
that election legally.

I can't believe
a convicted felon

would get so many votes

and another convicted felon
would get so few.

Here you go.

The results of last month's
mayoral election.

All 48,000 voters
and who each one they voted for.

I thought this
was a secret ballot.

Meh.

Okay.

Aaron A. Aaronson voted
for... Bob.

Aaron L. Aaronson voted
for... Bob.

Arthur B. Ablabab voted
for... Bob.

Hey.

So whoever
it is who wrote that note

wants to meet us here tonight?

This is so cool, Bart.

We're just like
Woodward and Bernstein.

Yeah, except their dad wasn't waiting
in the car reading Archie comics.

Stuck-up Riverdale punks
think they're too good for me.

You're on the right track.

Follow the names.

How the hell do you know?

I can't tell you who I am,
but I worked on the campaign.

Hey, Mr. Smithers!

Well, you might as well
give me a ride home now.

I've never gone behind
Mr. Burns' back before,

but Sideshow Bob's
ultra-conservative views

conflict with my choice
of lifestyle.

All I can do is give you
one name... Edgar Neubauer.

Find him,
and you'll find your answer.

No Edgar Neubauer.

This is hopeless.
They're going to demolish

our house for sure.

We're gonna have to move
into a Motel 6.

But Dad can't afford
six dollars a night.

Hey... Lise!

Lise, come here.

I found him.

I found Edgar Neubauer.

My God... The dead have risen,

and they're voting Republican.

No, Bart, don't you see?

Dead people can't vote.

Look. Prudence Goodwyfe,
died 1641.

She voted for Bob, too.

So did Buddy Holly,
Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper.

Even the pet cemetery
voted for Bob.

Look!
Mr. and Mrs. Bananas,

Humphrey Boa-gart.

My poor dead kitty.

Please, not you, too.

All right, Bob.

Now it's personal.

Hey. Um...
he did try to kill me.

Whoa!

Mr. Mayor, is it true
you rigged the election?

No, I did not.

Kids, help.

I don't mind.

We want these children to feel
justice has been served.

That way they can
sleep soundly tonight

on their hard, feculent,
motel pillows.

Well, Bart, Lisa, here I am.

I have a plan.
I think we can trap him.

You know, Sideshow Bob,
I believe you

when you say you're innocent.

Indeed, I am.

Because we all know

you're a naive pawn...
Puppet, if you will...

Of the most diabolical
political genius

Springfield has ever known.

Birchibald T. Barlow.

You don't have the intelligence

to rig an election by yourself,
do you?

You were just Barlow's lackey.

You were Ronnie to his Nancy.

Sonny to his Cher.

Ringo to his
rest of the Beatles.

Enough! Lies! Lies! Lies!

I did it!

I did it all!

There.

Is that what you want,

you smarmy little bastards?

We want the truth.

You want the truth?

You can't handle the truth.

No truth-handler, you.

Bah! I deride your
truth-handling abilities.

Will you get to the point?

Yes.
Only I could have executed

such a masterpiece
of electoral fraud

and I have the records
to prove it.

Here, just look at these.

Each one a work
of Machiavellian art.

- But why?
- Because you need me, Springfield.

Your guilty conscience
may force you to vote democratic,

but deep down inside, you secretly
long for a cold-hearted republican

to lower taxes,
brutalize criminals

and rule you like a king.

That's why I did this...

To protect you from yourselves.

Now if you don't mind,
I have a city to run.

Bailiffs,
place the mayor under arrest.

What? Yes.
All that stuff I did.

Bart, we did it.

Now we get to keep our house

and you get to go back
to the fourth grade.

Tomorrow we were gonna find out

who the dish ran away with.

The spoon, Bart.

Of course.

Someday, I'll have my vengeance.

Someday, when I find my way out

of this savage,
roach-ridden cesspool...

Say, Terwilliger's a Yalie.

Bob! Come along!

We need a ninth to row
against the Princeton alums.

Princeton?

Stroke, stroke...

♪♪

Shh!

CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.