All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S06E02.Lisas.Rival.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MZABI_track3_[eng]

♪ The Simpsons ♪

D'

Aah!

Lisa, will you keep it down?

I'm making a crank phone call
to Principal Skinner.

Well, as a matter of fact,
my refrigerator wasn't running.

You've spared me
quite a bit of spoilage.

- Thank you, anonymous young man.
- D'

It's my room
and I can do what I want.

Yeah?

Well, I can do what
I want in my room.

Bart, quit it!

I can keep this up all day.

Lisa, stop the racket.

I'm trying to fix
your mother's camera.

Now, easy, easy...

I'm gonna need a bigger drill.

My, these seas are
certainly heaving.

Well, no more than your
bountiful bosom, milady.

Does that earring
mean you're a pirate?

Kinda.

The seas have quieted.

And only in the sweet
embrace of quietude

can two lovers truly be...

Ooh, such noise.

Well, I'm done for the evening.

Lisa, stop blowing my sex...

I mean, stop blowing your sax.

Your sax, stop it.

Mom, I'm auditioning

for first chair
in the school band.

And I've got to practice.

I'm sorry, but I sacrificed
a very expensive camera

just to get some quiet time.

Fine.
I'll play outside.

Hey, why that sounds
like Gabriel's trumpet.

You know that means, kids.

Yay! Judgment day!

45 seconds till pencils down.

Lisa, what's the answer
to number seven?

Sorry, Ralph.

That would defeat
the purpose of testing

as a means
of student evaluation.

My cat's name is Mittens.

Three, two, one, and
that's pencils down.

Now, here's an oral
extra credit question.

What was Christopher Columbus

actually looking for
when he discovered America?

Ooh, ooh!

Anyone besides
Lisa for a change?

Enh, enh, enh!

Ralph, this better
not be about your cat.

All right, Li...

Columbus was looking
for a passage to India.

Correct, Allison.

And on your very
first day in our class.

And during a subsequent voyage,

Columbus found what is now
the continent of South America.

Yowee.

I never made
Miss Hoover "yowee."

Hi, Allison.
I'm Lisa Simpson.

It's great
to finally meet someone

who converses above
the normal eight-year-old level.

Actually, I'm seven.

I was just skipped ahead

because I was getting bored
with the first grade.

You're younger than me too?

Are you hyperventilating?

No. I just like
to smell my lunch.

Gee, I never met anyone
who skipped a grade before.

I'm surprised you
haven't been skipped.

You're obviously smart enough.

Well, I'm sure I could have,

but I'd hate to leave behind
all my wonderful friends.

Out of the way, brain queen.

Hey, Sarah.

Well, I got to go.

I have to practice
for band auditions.

Me, too. Hey, what
instrument do you play?

The sax.

Me, too.

I'm going for
first chair this year.

Me, too.

Wow, with so much in common,

I'm sure we'll be
the best of friends.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Hurry up and finish eating.

You're steering fine, boy.

Hard to the right!
Hard to the left!

Cat! Deer! Old man!

Jackknifed sugar truck.

Sugar?

Don't worry, buddy.
Here's a quarter.

Call for help
at the nearest phone.

I'll keep an eye on things here.

If only this sugar were
as sweet as you, sir.

Homer, that was
downright decent of you.

We hit the jackpot here!

White gold, Texas tea...

Sweetener.

Dad, isn't this stealing?

Read your town charter, boy.

"If foodstuff
should touch the ground,

said foodstuff shall be turned
over to the village idiot."

Since I don't see him around,
start shoveling.

- Mom?
- What? What?

Why am I still rotting away
in the second grade

instead of being skipped ahead?

I don't know, honey.

I guess that's the school's
decision to make.

Well, did you ever talk
to anyone at the school?

Make a few calls on my behalf?

Maybe you could have been "nicer"
to Principal Skinner,

if you know what I mean.

Lisa... I am nice.

Homer, I really appreciate
you making dinner,

but this food tastes
a little strange.

It hurts my teeth.

That's because
I've loaded it with sugar!

Marge, our ship has come in.

I found 500 pounds of sugar...
In the forest...

That I'm going to sell
directly to the consumer,

and all for a low, low price
of one dollar per pound.

But the grocery store sells
sugar for 35 cents a pound.

And it doesn't have nails
and broken glass in it.

Those are prizes.

Ooh, a blasting cap.

It's your turn, Jimbo.

Ooh!

Someone's been
practicing over the summer.

Welcome aboard.

Yes!

- Ooh!
! My lute!

Lisa Simpson trying
for first chair saxophone.

Very nice.
Now Allison Taylor,

also trying for
first chair saxophone.

This is a very
tough decision, girls.

You're both very good.

Well, I guess that
clinches that...

That was a close one, Lisa,

but you made it.

I won first chair?

No, you regained consciousness.

Allison got first chair.

It was just a dream.

That was a close one, Lisa,

but you made it.

I won first chair?

No, you regained consciousness.

Allison got first chair.

And believe me,
this is not a dream!

I need help, Mom.
There's another girl at school

who's smarter, younger, and
a better sax player than me.

I feel so average.

Well, you'll always be
number one to me.

Hello!
Firstborn within earshot.

I meant my number one girl.

For crying...

Honey, if you get
too competitive,

you'll never be happy.

No matter how good you are,

there's always going to be
someone better than you.

I always thought I had
the tallest hair.

But that trip to Graceland
really opened my eyes.

But she's better than me

at everything
that makes me special.

Believe me, honey,

she's more scared of you
than you are of her.

You're thinking of bears, Mom.

Sugar man.

Door-to-door sugar?

Well, marvelous idea.

What's that, Mother?

I'm just talking
to the sugar man.

Mother, I'm a big boy.

I can do as I wish.
Excuse me.

Thanks a lot, Simpson.
Now I'm grounded.

Hey, Allison, what's
the answer to number nine?

I can't tell you, Ralph.

I can't tell you either, Ralph.

Leave me alone.

Brainiac!

Nerd!

You geekazoid!

Leave me alone!

That used to be
my face in the mud.

I can't stand to see you
so miserable, Lis.

Unless it's from a rubber
spider down your dress.

Ooh, that gives me an idea.

Note for later:

Put rubber spider
down Lisa's dress.

Hey, I know.
How about if I dig up

some dirt on Allison?

Remember how I got Milhouse's picture
on "America's Most Wanted?"

There he is, on the monkey bars.

Try to take him alive.

No! Not again!

I appreciate the offer,
but it goes against

every moral fiber in my body.

Suit yourself.
If you change your mind, here is my card.

I don't need a card.

You live in the room next to me.

Note: Next year,
order fewer cards.

And you didn't think
I'd make any money.

I found a dollar while
I was waiting for the bus.

While you were out
"earning" that dollar,

you lost $40 by
not going to work.

The plant called and said
if you don't come in tomorrow,

don't bother coming in Monday.

Woo-hoo!
A four-day weekend!

Hey! I am above average.

So what if Allison's
ahead of me.

There's no shame
in being second.

And now, Avis Rent-a-car
is proud to present

the second best band in America.

Will you welcome Garfunkel,
Messina, Oates and Lisa

singing their number two hit
"Born to Runner-up."

Why would they come
to our concert just to boo us?

Lis, I did some checking
on this Allison character,

and I know it's against
all your moral fibers...

Give it to me.

Hey, wait,
there's nothing bad here.

Yep. She's clean as a bean.

But I did tip off the feds
as to the whereabouts

of our good friend Milhouse.

I'm telling you,
I didn't do anything.

I don't care.

Ouch! My glasses!

I've got to stop being so petty.

I should be Allison's friend,
not her competitor.

I mean...

she is a wonderful person.

Way to go, Lis.

I mean, why compete with someone

who's just gonna kick
your butt anyway?

I prefer my phrasing.

It's great of you
to come over, Lisa.

I really want us to be friends.

You're a wonderful person.

Hi, Lisa, I'm Allison's father,
Professor Taylor.

I've heard great things
about you.

Really? I...

Well, don't be modest,
I'm glad we have someone

who can join us
in our anagram games.

We take proper names
and rearrange the letters

to form a description
of that person.

Like, I don't know...

Alec Guinness.

Genuine class.

Ho-ho, very good.

All right, Lisa. Um...
Jeremy Irons.

Jeremy's Iron.

Well, that's very good
for a first try.

You know what?

I have a ball.

Perhaps you'd like to bounce it.

What's this?

It's for the school
diorama competition.

You're finished already?

But the competition
isn't for weeks.

Lisa, we're talking dioramas.
Who could wait?

I chose "The Tell-Tale Heart,"
by Edgar Allan Poe.

See, this is the bedroom
where the old man was murdered,

and he's buried here
under the floorboards.

And look, I used
an old metronome

to simulate the heartbeat
that drove the killer insane.

Ha ha.
It's neat?

It's great.

It's really great.

Heh heh.

Got away from you?

Well, you keep at it.

Must... protect... sugar.

Thieves everywhere...

The strong
must protect the sweet.

The sweet...

Homer?

In America,
first you get the sugar,

then you get the power,
then you get the women.

Homer!
Homer?

- Wha-what?
- I want you to forget

about guarding
this stupid sugar.

You're being
completely paranoid.

Am I?

Am I really?

Aha!

Hello.

All right, pal.

Where'd you get
the sugar for that tea?

I nicked it when you
let your guard down

for that split second.

And I'd do it again.

Good-bye.

You see, Marge?
You see?

Homer, when are you
going to give up

this crazy sugar scheme?

Never!

Never, Marge.

I can't live
the button-down life like you.

I want it all.

The terrifying lows,

the dizzying highs,

the creamy middles.

Sure, I might offend
a few of the bluenoses

with my cocky stride
and musky odors.

I'll never be the darling
of the so-called city fathers,

who cluck their tongues,
stroke their beards,

and talk about, "What's to be
done with this Homer Simpson?"

Look, just get rid
of the sugar, okay?

No!

Hey! Get off my sugar!

Bad bees! Bad!

They're defending
themselves somehow.

Look, Bart.
It almost killed me.

But I handcrafted
all 75 characters

from "Oliver Twist."

And now... The coup de grace,

a bitter snowstorm.

Cool.

Is it okay?

Well, the important thing
is that we survived.

Who am I kidding?

There's no way I'm ever
gonna beat Allison.

Sure there is.

But it involves being
a bit underhanded,

a bit devious, a bit,
as the French say,

Bartesque.

I'll do whatever it takes.

Then welcome to the
nether regions of the soul.

Now, here's what we do.

Tomorrow morning, when Allison
comes out of her house,

we spray her with the hose,

soaking her from head to toe,
leaving us relatively dry.

Relatively?

Well, there's bound to be
some splash-back.

Bart, her being wet won't
help me win the competition.

Well. We could just
sabotage her diorama,

humiliating her in front
of the students and faculty.

Perfect!

Leaving her primed
for the most traumatic

hose-soaking of her life.

Enough with the hose!

Well, it sure is quiet
in here today.

Yes! A little too quiet
if you know what I mean.

I'm afraid I don't.

You see, bees usually make
a lot of noise.

No noise...

suggests no bees.

I understand now.

Look.
There goes one.

To the Beemobile!

You mean your Chevy?

Yes.

Well, very clever, Simpson.

Luring our bees
to your sugar pile,

and then selling them back
to us at an inflated price.

Bees are on the what now?

Simpson, you diabolical...

We're willing to pay you
$2,000 for this swarm.

Deal!

Wait a minute.

The bees are leaving.

No!

My sugar is melting.

Melting! What a world.

The sugar's gone.

I'm sorry, Homie.

It's okay, Marge.

I've learned my lesson.

A mountain of sugar
is too much for one man.

It's clear now why God

portions it out
in those tiny packets,

and why He lives on
a plantation in Hawaii.

"Diorama-rama,"
My favorite school event,

next to
"Hearing Test Thursday."

"The Grapes of Wrath?"

I don't get it.

Here's the grapes.

And here's the wrath.

Ew!

Ha-ha!

Yes, yes, very good wrath.

Let's see, our foreign
exchange student Üter

has chosen "Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory."

I...

But this is just an empty box.

I begged you
to look at mine first.

I begged you.

Lisa.

Here is, as the French say,

le fake diorama.

I'll create a diversion,
and you make the switch.

Hey, everybody!

Whoa! Look at me.

I'm over here.

Turn this way right now!

Hey, it's Bart.

And he's doing stuff.

Bart, stop creating

a diversion and get out of here.

Okay, our next entry is
"The Tell-Tale Heart"

from Allison Taylor.

I can't wait to see this.

Be ready with the ribbon.

Eww...

- Ew.
- What is it?

It's a cow's heart.

They're trying to make
a monkey out of you.

Allison, is this supposed to be

some kind of joke?

I didn't do that.

I made a different one.

Is that so, young lady?

Well, where is
this phantom diorama?

I... I don't know.

At least have the guts
to take the blame, girl.

You're compounding
your folly by lying about it.

- Right on.
- Young lady, cow hearts

belong in a butcher's window,
not the classroom.

Well, maybe in an older student's
biology classroom,

but that's none of my business.

Elementary school
is where I wound up,

and it's too late
to do anything about that.

Frankly, I'm starting to
regret skipping you ahead.

It's the beating
of that hideous heart!

I mean, I think
I hear something.

Why, here's Allison's
real diorama.

It got misplaced,
or so it would seem.

Well, that changes everything.

Let's have a look.
Get the ribbon ready.

A little sterile,
no real insight.

What do you think, Miss Hoover?

This has been
a very disappointing day.

All right, on to Lisa Simpson.

You're a shoo-in now, Lis.

After the way I've behaved,
I don't deserve to win.

- Well, this doesn't deserve to win.
- What?

Ooh, now we're into the dregs.

Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry.

Prepackaged "Star Wars" characters
still in their display box?

Are those the limited edition
action figures?

What's a diorama?

Why, it's Luke and Obi-wan
and my favorite, Chewie.

They're all here!

What do you think?

I think it's lunchtime.

We have a winner.

I'm really sorry
about what I did, Allison.

It's no shame
being second to you.

Thank you, Lisa.

You know, I'm actually
kind of glad I lost.

Now I know losing isn't
the end of the world.

Hey, you still think
we can be friends?

Only if we're the best.

I beat the smart kids.
I beat the smart kid...

I bent my wookiee.

Hey, Ralph, want to come
with me and Allison

to play anagrams?

We take proper names
and rearrange the letters

to form a description
of that person.

My cat's breath
smells like cat food.

♪♪

Shh.

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