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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,960 Here it is, gentlemen. The big problem. 4 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,320 13-13 Experimental Battery. 5 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:50,240 I can tell you now, we've had orders to solve it from the top seat. 6 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:54,200 You mean WC? WC. The top seat. 7 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,160 LAUGHS 8 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:57,920 As you know, we've tried everything. 9 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,520 Brilliance, outstanding personality, sheer naked courage. 10 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:03,440 The time has come to try something else. 11 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:04,880 Oh? And what's that, sir? 12 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:06,880 Sheer bloody ignorance. 13 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,680 How long are you gonna be, then, sir? 14 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,800 How long? 15 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,720 When one is sent for by one's brigadier 16 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,920 to discuss a mission which is so hush-hush 17 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,160 that even oneself doesn't know what it is, 18 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,280 one might be hours. 19 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,400 Oh, good. In that case, permission to pop down the NAAFI, please, sir. 20 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:25,760 I beg your pardon. 21 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,520 Permission to pop down the NAAFI, sir. 22 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,640 Corporal, the enemy is poised to strike across the Channel, 23 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:34,160 the country is fighting for its life and you want to pop down the NAAFI? 24 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:35,920 Oh. Well, in that case, I'll forget it. 25 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,920 I'm very pleased to hear it. I beg your pardon, sir. 26 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,880 Who are you and what the devil are you doing down there? 27 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,360 Captain Melly reporting, sir. 28 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,040 Brush yourself down! Follow me to the conference room. 29 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,520 HORN HONKS 30 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,880 All right! All right! Why the bloody fanfare? 31 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,160 Watch it, mate. New commanding officer. 32 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,920 Blimey. 33 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,000 Corporal. Sir? That man, he's wearing lipstick. 34 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,400 Lipstick, sir? Yeah. 35 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,280 Where? On his face. Where do you think? 36 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,360 Well, it must be a burn or a scar or something, sir. 37 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,080 I hope you're right. So do I. 38 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,480 Frilly curtains? Baskets of flowers? 39 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,080 Brassieres! Pardon, sir? 40 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,560 Knickers! Same to you, sir. 41 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,720 BURPS 42 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,280 Captain Melly. 43 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,520 No, no. You must've come to the wrong place. 44 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,280 My name's Bull. 45 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:06,320 No, no. I'm Melly. S Melly. 46 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,120 Pity. Have a drink. 47 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,080 Now, look here, Bull. I'm your relief. 48 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,920 And there are certain things that... My relief? 49 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,200 Oh, you little beauty! 50 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,360 LAUGHS I could kiss you! 51 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,600 My rel... Ooh, my relief! 52 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,640 I've got to go. 53 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,120 My relief! 54 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,920 He actually kissed me. 55 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,640 My case! 56 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,320 Hey! I say! My case! 57 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:40,440 BURPS 58 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,760 Welcome to 13-13 Anti-Aircraft Battery, sir! 59 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,480 All right. Sergeant Major Bloomer, sir. 60 00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:51,680 "Tiger" to the troops. 61 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,800 All right. I can do that! 62 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,240 Sergeant Major Bloomer, do you think... Hah! 63 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,120 Get inside. Me, sir? 64 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,160 Yes, you, sir! Get inside, at the double. 65 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:05,320 Hah! 66 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,080 Drop your trousers. 67 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,240 But, sir, we has only just met. 68 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,320 Drop 'em! That's an order. 69 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,360 Hah! 70 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,440 I see. 71 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,920 Do you, sir? 72 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:45,960 Sergeant Major, may I ask you a question? 73 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,400 Sir, may I pull up my trousers? 74 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,400 What? Oh, yes. Yes. Get them up. 75 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,760 What I want to know is, 76 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,040 what men in this unit would wear the kind of underwear 77 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,840 that I've seen hanging on the line? 78 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,520 Good Lord! 79 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,440 Some of them are wearing skirts, too! 80 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,480 Well, they is not men, sir. 81 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,240 Well, what the blazes are they? 82 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,120 Women, sir. 83 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,160 You mean female? 84 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,200 Well, yes, sir. Was sir not told, sir? 85 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,480 This is one of these new mixed batteries. 86 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,160 So, that's what the brigadier meant 87 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,520 when he said that this battery was an experiment. 88 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,200 Experiment, sir? They does not need to experiment. 89 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,720 They gets at it right away and all the time. 90 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,520 All right, then. Section, halt. 91 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,960 Oh, come on. Come on. Put each other down. 92 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,920 GROANING 93 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,520 No, no, no. Hang about. Hang about. 94 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:48,280 We don't want to give our new CO the right idea, do we? 95 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:49,520 LAUGHTER 96 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:50,720 Right, right turn. 97 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:54,720 What's next? 98 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,320 Right dress, Leonard. Oh, yeah. 99 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:57,640 Er, right dress. 100 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:15,040 Two inches shorter and he could see right up my skirt. 101 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,680 What's your name, Sergeant? Willing, sir. 102 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,680 And yours? Able, sir. 103 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:28,120 Well, Willing and Able, will you kindly tell me 104 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,640 why it is necessary for you all 105 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,840 to be squashed up like sardines in a tin? 106 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,840 Well, it's just our way of keeping warm, sir. 107 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,680 On the hottest day of the year? 108 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,280 We've known it hotter than this, sir. 109 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:41,640 Dress properly! 110 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,800 What do you think this is? A love parade? 111 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,240 SNIGGERS 112 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,920 Very witty, sir. 113 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,600 You speak when you're spoken to. Do you hear me? 114 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,120 Adjust your dress! 115 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,840 No, no, no! One arm's length apart. 116 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,880 Haven't you demonstrated this, Sergeant Major? 117 00:07:58,880 --> 00:07:59,920 Frequently, sir. 118 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:01,760 Then do it again on me. Hah! 119 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:07,720 Parade! Doing as I do! Right dress! 120 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:11,760 As you were. I said watch me. Watch me. 121 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,400 Right dress! 122 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,000 Doing as I do! As you were! As you were! 123 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,520 Did not you see what I was doing? Right dress! 124 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,360 As you were. Not as they were. 125 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,360 Leave them as they are, Sergeant Major. 126 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,960 But, sir, as they are is horrible, sir. 127 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,080 Yes, but you're ruining my shoulder, Sergeant. 128 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:30,680 Oh, sorry, sir. 129 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,520 It comes of gripping balls, sir. Eh? 130 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,880 Always has one of these to hand, sir. 131 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,800 Fingers of steel, sir. Fingers of steel. 132 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,280 Put it away and let's get on with the inspection. 133 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,960 You up there, what's your name? 134 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,640 Oh, um, Ready, sir. 135 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:52,680 Ready? 136 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,640 Ready, Willing and Able. 137 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:57,760 This is ridiculous. 138 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,800 MUMBLES 139 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:00,840 What are you doing? 140 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,840 Twitching, sir! 141 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,280 I can see that, Sergeant Major. But why is he twitching? 142 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,720 MUMBLES 143 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,440 It's me... 144 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,120 It's me... 145 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,640 It's me nerves, sir. 146 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:17,000 Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. 147 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,440 You're in the Army for the duration. 148 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,040 Twitch your way out of that. 149 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:22,920 MUMBLES 150 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,000 Ready! 151 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,120 SCREAMS 152 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,160 Twitch off! 153 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:29,600 It's wasted on me, boy. 154 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,400 Good Lord! 155 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:33,520 Good heavens! 156 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:34,600 Hm. 157 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,600 Good man. And what's your name? 158 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,240 Shorthouse. 159 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,160 Gunner Shorthouse, sir. It's my name. 160 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,080 And what is your name, my man? Er, woman. 161 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,680 Jennifer Ffoukes-Sharpe, sir. 162 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:51,080 The Sharpe with an E and two Fs in the Ffoukes. 163 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:52,280 How do you do? 164 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:53,960 FINGERS CRUNCH 165 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,320 She, too, is a ball squeezer, sir. 166 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,240 Do your shoelace up. And look sharp about it, Sharpe! 167 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,360 Oh, God... 168 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,840 SNARLS Ooooh! 169 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,640 Oh, Tiger. 170 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,000 I think you're wonderful. 171 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,000 When are you going to savage me? 172 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,960 If only you was a man, I would sort you out. 173 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,240 Mm. 174 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,280 Well, you seem to have put your foot in it. 175 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,240 Not so much me foot, sir. More me big toe. 176 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,920 What's wrong with your big toe? Sprained it, sir, didn't I? 177 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,960 When I, er, fell out of bed. 178 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,960 Pushed out of bed, more like. Pushed out of bed, Sergeant Major? 179 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,320 What are you laughing at? 180 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,240 Well, I'm happy, sir. 181 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,360 Happy? What, here? 182 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:44,400 Well, he might've sprained something else, mightn't he? 183 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,440 Are you trying to be funny, Gunner? Me, sir? 184 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,720 You, sir. No, sir. 185 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,560 Why are you blinking like that? I'm not blinking, sir. You are. 186 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,040 I never blink. Neither do I, sir. 187 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:56,920 You blinking well do. I blinking well don't. 188 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,160 Sergeant Major, which one of us two is blinking here? 189 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,360 There is only one blinking man blinking here, Gunner, 190 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:04,520 and that's bloody you! 191 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:05,920 Thank you, Sergeant Major. 192 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:06,960 And furthermore, 193 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,720 if I catch you again on parade wearing my moustache, 194 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:10,760 that moustache, 195 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,880 you'll be on charge for impersonating an officer. 196 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:14,920 Ooh! 197 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:16,800 Later, sir! Later. 198 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:18,880 Who are you? 199 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:20,280 Easy, sir. 200 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,160 Quite possibly. What's your name? 201 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:26,600 That is it, sir. Alice Easy. Oh. 202 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,200 Well, do your top button up. 203 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:33,040 I can't. They won't let me. Who? Who won't let you? 204 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,280 Them. 205 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,800 Oh, nonsense. Do them up. Um, it up. 206 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,400 Oh, good gracious me. 207 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,440 Stand to attention. You're on parade. 208 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:47,120 Put those shoulders back. SWALLOWS 209 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:50,000 Oh, I do hope you're regular, sir. 210 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,000 Regular? 211 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,920 I've been regular for 18 years. 212 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,600 Oh, good. That means I can have it back tomorrow, then. 213 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,600 You'll have it back when I'm good and ready. 214 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,520 Oh, that's all right. No need to strain yourself. 215 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,000 You are a shower. 216 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,840 A shambling shower. 217 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,280 And I mean to shake you up more than somewhat. 218 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,560 Sergeant Major. Hah! 219 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:27,440 Dismiss this shambling shower from my sight. 220 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:28,480 Hah! 221 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:36,400 Parade! Right turn! 222 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,000 As you were! As you were! 223 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,440 You stupid f... 224 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:44,880 How is I expected to use the proper words with women present? 225 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,720 Never mind. Never mind. Just f... 226 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:49,840 Forget it. 227 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,480 Go away. 228 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,440 STOMACH GURGLES 229 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,200 Ah, yes, sir. They gives me a headache too. 230 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,040 It's not a headache. It's the stomach. 231 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,640 It has a button in it. 232 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,320 Hm. What you might now call a belly button, sir. 233 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:13,360 LAUGHS 234 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,320 Oh, shut up. 235 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,560 With respect, sir, 20 year I've been a sergeant major, 236 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,040 nobody told me to shut up before. 237 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,360 I am the person what tells people to shut up... 238 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,800 Shut up! Up! 239 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,520 Now, Sergeant Major, what, in your opinion, 240 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,040 is the thing most calculated to make things hot for this shower? 241 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,480 Well? 242 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,840 What's the matter with you, man? Have you been struck dumb? 243 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,840 I asked you a question. Sir. 244 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,280 But has I got your permission to break the silence? 245 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,840 Well, of course you have, you fool. Very well, sir. 246 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,320 Kindly repeat the question. 247 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,480 I repeat, what, in your opinion, 248 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,680 is the thing most calculated to make things hot for this shower? 249 00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:00,040 Only one thing in my book, sir. Yes, yes, yes. 250 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,240 Firing squad. Ah, yes. That's it! 251 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,560 What sort of a suggestion is that, Sergeant Major? 252 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,080 The only one I has to offer, sir. I has tried everything else. 253 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,200 Thank you, thank you. That's been a great help. 254 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,400 It seems I shall have to think for both of us. 255 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,520 I've got it! 256 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,320 We're going to have an air raid. My God, sir. They will panic. 257 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,520 This is just a practice. They'll still panic, sir. 258 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:24,920 Yes, they will, won't they? 259 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,200 LAUGHS 260 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,960 The wind. Not me, sir. 261 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,320 No. Sergeant Major, please. 262 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,880 The wind is what you and me are going to put up them. 263 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:33,920 BURPS 264 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,040 Gives me the wind just to look at it. 265 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,960 Leonard. What? 266 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,000 I've got this feeling. 267 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,400 Not here, Till. There's a time and a place for everything. 268 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,200 No, Leonard. Not that kind of feeling. 269 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:44,760 I didn't know you had any other sort. 270 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,840 No! Listen! 271 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,120 I've got this feeling that that new bloke's 272 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,480 gonna make trouble for us. 273 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,320 What, that pretty pipsqueaker? No. He's too little to be awkward. 274 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,800 Squash him into the ground. Not worried about him. 275 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:56,920 LAUGHS 276 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:58,760 More worried about this. 277 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,520 What do you do with it? Eat it or rub it in? 278 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,240 You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care. 279 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,240 Right, Sergeant Major. 280 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,360 They should just about be starting on their pudding. 281 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,600 Now! 282 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:11,960 Now, Sergeant Major! 283 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,640 Sir? I said now! 284 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,560 There is no need to shout, sir. What? 285 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,080 I said there's no need to shout! 286 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,840 Why the blazes are you mumbling? I said there's no need to shout! 287 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:20,920 Who's shouting? You are! 288 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,400 All I said was "now". Sir! 289 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,800 AIR RAID SIREN 290 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,120 Here. What's that? 291 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,240 No, it can't be. Can't be what? 292 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,600 What I think it is. 293 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,200 Well, what do you think it is? 294 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,680 It's an air raid. 295 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,520 See? 296 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,840 Come on. Get a move on! 297 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,560 LAUGHS 298 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,320 Well... 299 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,360 CRUNCHING 300 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,920 I'll say one thing for 'em, Sergeant Major... 301 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,400 HE LAUGHS ..they certainly know how to run. 302 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,600 Oh, yes, indeed, sir. 303 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,920 Of course, sir, they is running in the wrong direction. 304 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:05,960 What? 305 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,160 The gun emplacement is over there, sir. 306 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,080 Well, why are they running that way, then? 307 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,600 Air raid shelter, sir. Eh? 308 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,880 Built it themselves, sir. They calls it the snoggery. 309 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,320 I don't care what they call it or do in it, they can't be in it. 310 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,600 There's an air raid on and this is an anti-aircraft battery unit. 311 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:20,680 Is it? 312 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,840 Nyeeeeeeeow! 313 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,520 Rat-a-tat tat! Rat-a-tat tat! 314 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,640 AEROPLANE FIRING 315 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:32,760 Bang! 316 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,480 Bang! 317 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,160 I could have sworn someone said "bang". 318 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,000 Oh, Leonard. 319 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,760 Oh. Oh, what a lovely idea. 320 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:47,240 Lovely. 321 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,880 GIGGLES 322 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,160 I said bang! 323 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:55,440 You heard what the officer said, you horrible shower! He said bang. 324 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,600 Don't you realise there's an air raid on? 325 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,040 STAMMERS 326 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,560 Of course we do. Well, then? 327 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:04,680 Well, you shouldn't be out in it. 328 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,440 Come in here with us, sir. There's plenty of room. 329 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,680 Yes. Do join us, Tiger. 330 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,000 I'm not coming in there. You are coming out here. 331 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,520 What, with an air raid on? There's ladies present. 332 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:17,120 You can't have 'em out in an air raid. 333 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:18,720 No, you can't. 334 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,200 There is no air raid. 335 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,720 But you said there was. 336 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,600 It's a mock air raid. 337 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,120 Oh. A what? 338 00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:30,560 I mocked it. And you made a mockery of it. 339 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:31,920 That's nice, isn't it, that? 340 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,240 You're having a mockery while we're having our grub. 341 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,600 I was just enjoying my spotted dick. Yeah. 342 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,920 Shut up! 343 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,600 All right. Carry on, Sergeant Major. 344 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:43,800 Carry on what, sir? 345 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,120 Get 'em out! Get 'em out! Sir! 346 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:53,040 Right! Get outside at the double! Move yourselves! Move yourselves! 347 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,400 Get the lead out of your pants! 348 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,120 Knickers, Tiger. Knickers. 349 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,320 What? Ladies wear knickers. 350 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,840 Pants or knickers, shift your ar... 351 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,200 What's inside 'em. 352 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,240 Now, look... 353 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,120 ..20 years I've worn this crown on my sleeve. 354 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,960 ALL HUM SAD TUNE 355 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,800 You wouldn't like to be the cause of me losing it, would you? 356 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:19,040 I mean, after all that... serving of king and country. 357 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:21,360 Oh, Tiger. 358 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,160 You all heard what the sergeant major said. 359 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,800 All out! Or I'll break you in two. 360 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,680 Right! Get in two lines! Move yourselves! Move yourselves! 361 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,040 Come on! Come on! Come on! 362 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,160 Now, you dozy lot, 363 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,280 when I say "man the gun", 364 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,960 I want you to double off to the emplacement. 365 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,800 Now, man the gun! 366 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,040 Oh, for heaven's sake. 367 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,240 All right. Woman the gun, as well. 368 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,080 Come on, you Brownies. Let's have you! Let's have you! 369 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,880 Knees up! Knees up! Knees up! 370 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,840 1-80, QE-3, up. 371 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,920 180. 372 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,520 Oh. 373 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,360 Sergeant Major! Sir! 374 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,840 What the blue-blank-blazes is that? 375 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,000 It's a gun, sir. 376 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:32,440 It's made of wood. 377 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,000 It's not a real gun yet, sir. 378 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,760 A gun emplacement without a real gun? 379 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,200 With respect, sir, remember there's a war on. 380 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,040 Real guns is hard to come by. 381 00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,000 Permission to carry on with the gun drill, sir. Fire! 382 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,360 Bang! Oh... 383 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,880 What the devil's going on now? 384 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,840 Oh, we're dead, sir. A round exploded in the breach. 385 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,520 It's the ammunition we're being sent these days, sir. 386 00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,160 MELLY FARTS 387 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:01,160 Anything wrong, sir? You've gone quite white. 388 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,120 It's that damn button. Gas. MELLY FARTS 389 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,400 Are you taken short, sir? 390 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,240 STOMACH GURGLES 391 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,200 Keep your voice down, Sergeant Major. 392 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,800 STOMACH GURGLES 393 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,800 You just carry on doing whatever it is you're doing, 394 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:16,840 and I'll... 395 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,280 MELLY FARTS No 2 detachment, take post! 396 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:24,280 Go to bearing 90-2E-20. 397 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,640 MAN: 90-QE... 398 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:27,080 TOILET FLUSHES 399 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,240 Halt! 400 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:38,360 Now, this time, just for me, let us get it right. 401 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:43,120 Parade, dismiss! 402 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,040 That was lovely. Good. Thank you very much. 403 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,720 Get out of my sight! 404 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,000 That includes you, Ffoukes-Sharpe! 405 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,120 Look sharp! 406 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,240 Silly boy. 407 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,600 Argh! 408 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,080 You may not frighten the enemy, Sergeant Major, 409 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:12,760 but, by heaven, you certainly frighten me. 410 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,240 It's not my fault, sir. That was hers. 411 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:17,840 MELLY GRUNTS 412 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,680 Careful. Entirely hers, sir. 413 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,800 What are you talking about? Whose fault? 414 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,360 Oh, Tiger. 415 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:25,600 Shoo! 416 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:32,160 Private Ffoukes-Sharpe, sir, is... after me. 417 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,440 After you? What for? 418 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,000 She has designs on me, sir. 419 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,280 Get this bloody thing off me! 420 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,520 Sir! 421 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:43,600 Oh, I sees your predicament, sir. And I feel it. Get it off! 422 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,320 Steady, sir. Resist me. 423 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,560 Resist me, sir. Left hand on me. 424 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,360 Careful, man. Careful. You is not resisting. 425 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,720 Pulling out. 426 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,920 Sergeant Major, we're getting nowhere fast. 427 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,600 Perhaps you should... clench your cheeks, sir. 428 00:21:58,600 --> 00:21:59,880 They are clenched. 429 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,840 Ooh, yeah. That is true, sir. 430 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:03,880 Forward march. 431 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,040 Right. Now, clench the table, sir. 432 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,640 Now, grit your teeth and we will have it off in a minute. 433 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,400 A bit of leverage. 434 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,920 WAILS 435 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:17,840 Right. Brace yourself, sir. 436 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:22,320 Is it off? Can't you feel the difference, sir? 437 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,760 No. Then it must be your bum is numb. 438 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:30,160 Permission to un-numb bum, sir. Get on with it! 439 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:31,680 Gah! 440 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,640 That'll soon bring the blood back to your cheeks, sir. 441 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,600 Cruel to be kind, sir. Cruel to be kind. 442 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,040 If you're going to talk about being cruel to be kind, 443 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:43,360 you may as well know that as far as that shower outside is concerned, 444 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:46,000 that I intend to be cruel to be cruel. 445 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,240 WINCES 446 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,280 I is very worried, sir. 447 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,440 You is very worried? 448 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,920 I is worried about you, sir. 449 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,760 Thank you very much, Sergeant Major. Very decent of you. 450 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,720 I is worried, sir, you is gonna cause trouble, 451 00:22:58,720 --> 00:22:59,840 and they will not like it. 452 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,960 The likes and dislikes of the men under my command 453 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,880 are neither here nor there, Sergeant Major. 454 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,640 All I can say, sir, 455 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,080 if you does not know the difference between here nor there, 456 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,360 you does not know the difference between men and women. 457 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,320 And some of the men in this camp is women. 458 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,320 They are all men to me. 459 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,520 Oh, I wish they was, sir. I wish they was. 460 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,800 I'd have them saluting till their arms dropped off. 461 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,600 I'd run them till their legs dropped off, 462 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,320 and I'd rant and roar till their ears dropped off. 463 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:28,680 As from tomorrow, 464 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:33,120 I intend to start a series of what I call my agony parades. 465 00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:37,560 In that case, sir, tomorrow morning, the only parade you is likely to see 466 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,600 is sick parade. 467 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:44,440 Right. Who's first? A-a-a-a-a. 468 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,720 What do you think these are, Nurse? Come on, then. 469 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:49,480 Oh! Oh, Nurse. Oh, Nurse. 470 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,760 Nurse, I need assistance. Oh! 471 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,440 Oh! Oh! 472 00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,520 Oh. All right, drop your trousers. 473 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:01,640 But, sir, it's my ears, my nose, my throat. 474 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,360 My throat. Oh, and my knees, my feet. Oh! 475 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:06,440 Well, I'll be the judge of that. Drop 'em. 476 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:15,680 Nurse, two aspirins, please. 477 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:25,840 Right. Next! 478 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:35,840 Here, Shaw. Yeah? 479 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:37,440 What did he say to you? 480 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:38,880 He said, "Drop your trousers." 481 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:40,800 He had a look and he gave me two aspirins. 482 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,240 What sort of a doctor's he, then? 483 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,160 Here we are, all pretending we've got different complaints... 484 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:46,760 Hey, Shorthouse. Yeah? 485 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:47,880 What did he say to you? 486 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,320 He said, "Drop your trousers," and he had a look... 487 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:51,800 And he gave you two aspirins. 488 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:53,560 No, he gave me half an aspirin. 489 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,560 All right, drop your trousers. I was... 490 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:59,160 STAMMERS INCOHERENTLY 491 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,040 Have you noticed anything strange about me, sir? 492 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,080 Yes. You haven't dropped your trousers. 493 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,120 Two aspirins, Nurse. 494 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:10,040 Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 495 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:14,080 Hey, he told me to drop my trousers and he gave me two of these as... 496 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:15,360 HE MUMBLES 497 00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:16,400 ..prins. 498 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:18,840 All right, drop 'em. 499 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,960 Nurse, two aspirins, please. 500 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,920 Where are they? They is all sick, sir. 501 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,720 All of them? I told sir so, did not I, sir? 502 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,080 LAUGHS 503 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:39,280 Well, never mind. I've had a word with the MO. 504 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,480 This is my plan and those are my orders. 505 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:49,720 Right, Sergeant Major. Let them know that we're here. 506 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:54,160 13-13 Battery, get on parade! 507 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,680 I want you to run them into the ground. 508 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,040 What about the females, sir? 509 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,480 As far as I'm concerned, this is a unit, Sergeant Major. 510 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:01,520 A unit. One piece. 511 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,360 My duty is to make it an efficient unit. 512 00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:06,560 I'm unaware of males or females. To me, they're all alike. 513 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:09,080 They are the same by some measure. 514 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:11,120 Give 'em hell. 515 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,200 SCREAMS 516 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,320 Get out the way! 517 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,080 That is not the way! 518 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:21,640 That is not the way. 519 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,240 When one of your comrades is a short arse, 520 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,680 like Shorthouse here, 521 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,040 a taller man climbs up on him. 522 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,320 Down, Shorthouse. 523 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,160 But, Sergeant Major... Do not "but, Sergeant Major" me. 524 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:33,200 Get down. 525 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:34,960 Watch me. 526 00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,360 Right. Steady. Up! 527 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:41,880 Give me your hand! Give me your hand! 528 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,160 SHORTHOUSE STRAINS Get me... 529 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,200 Argh! 530 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:47,800 Now, pay attention. 531 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:52,240 You cannot go under the wire. You have to go over the wire. 532 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,440 Which means that one of you has to lie on top of the wire, 533 00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,640 and let the rest of them walk over him. 534 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,880 Right. One volunteer. 535 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:03,320 You! 536 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:04,760 Me? Move yourself! 537 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:09,000 That is not the way. That is not the way. 538 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,840 Fall out. Move yourself. 539 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:12,560 Watch me. Watch me. 540 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:14,360 YELLS 541 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,000 Charge! 542 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:18,600 Get in there! The enemy's waiting on the other side! 543 00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:19,640 Oh... 544 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,520 ALL SHOUTING 545 00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:25,560 Next. 546 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:29,920 No, no, no, no, no! That is not the way. 547 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:31,680 You must not stop to think. 548 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,800 Are you sure this rope's safe, Sergeant Major? 549 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:37,360 Safe? Safe? Of course it's safe. Watch me. 550 00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:40,200 TARZAN CRY 551 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,280 Well done, Sergeant Major. 552 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:46,880 Fingers of steel, boy. Fingers of steel. 553 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:52,440 Right. Right, Gunner. Your turn now. 554 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,480 LAUGHTER 555 00:27:57,480 --> 00:27:59,960 MUMBLES 556 00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,760 Drown the lot of you. 557 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,400 Sergeant Major. 558 00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:07,840 Yes. 559 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,040 Ungrateful. 560 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,920 MUMBLES 561 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:16,200 Come on, Sergeant Major. Wake up. On your feet. 562 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:17,440 Argh! 563 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,640 BOTH STRAIN I'm talking to you. 564 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:21,360 That's better. Stop it. 565 00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:23,640 Why not, boy? Oh! 566 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:27,320 Come on! I'm talking to you. Wait! Sergeant! Sergeant Major! 567 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:29,600 Oh. Oh, it's you, sir. 568 00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:30,960 God! 569 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,000 Have you gone mad, Sergeant Major? 570 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,200 Well, your sort of walked into my nightmare, sir. 571 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,640 I thought you were Shorthouse, sir. I'm sorry. 572 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:40,560 And so you damn well should be, man. 573 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,320 You dropped your hat somewhere, sir. Where is it? 574 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:46,800 Oh, it's there. Right, Sergeant Major. Ah-ah! 575 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,320 Sergeant Major, now that you're on your feet, 576 00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:51,320 I'm going to blast their blasted evening. 577 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,240 What have you got in mind, sir? A surprise kit inspection. 578 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,120 Men's hut first. 579 00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:58,960 TANGO MUSIC 580 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,080 # Get those pants down # 581 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:13,800 # Not bloody likely # 582 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,520 Having a musical soiree, are they? Sounds more like a tango to me, sir. 583 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:24,520 Oh, come on, Sergeant Major. 584 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:28,520 YELPS 585 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:29,920 CANS RATTLE 586 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:32,880 Enemy approaching. 587 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:35,560 Operation Scarper! 588 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:42,640 You is covered in sh... something distasteful. 589 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:45,120 I'm aware of that. 590 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:49,480 Are you gonna change or what, sir? I mean, there's... a bit of a pong. 591 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:51,920 Sergeant Major, when I start something, 592 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,840 I go through with it, come hell and high water. 593 00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:57,360 And... whatever this is. 594 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:00,480 Tell them I'm here. 595 00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,160 GIGGLING 596 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,520 Shower! Commanding Officer! 597 00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:22,320 SQUELCHING 598 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:30,160 Your nostrils, Sergeant. 599 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:32,880 My nostrils, sir? 600 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:34,240 They're twitching. 601 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:37,600 Well, it's like suddenly 602 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:40,600 there's a funny sort of smell come into the hut, sir. 603 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,160 Why do you think that is, Sergeant? 604 00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:45,760 Well, it's like suddenly... 605 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,040 Phwoar. Someone's come in who's covered all over with sh... 606 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,600 Something nasty, sir. 607 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:54,840 Yes. 608 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:55,920 Someone is. 609 00:30:56,880 --> 00:30:57,920 Me! 610 00:30:57,920 --> 00:30:59,960 FLY BUZZES 611 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:03,040 SPLUTTERS 612 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:05,080 Now, Sergeant... 613 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:09,040 ..how do you suppose that occurred? 614 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:11,080 COUGHS 615 00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:13,120 No, I can't say, sir. 616 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:16,440 I can. Trip wire. A trip wire, sir? 617 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,160 It tripped me right in it. 618 00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:22,760 What, right into the...? 619 00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,120 Yes! 620 00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:25,880 GASPS 621 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:31,240 How do you suppose... it got there? 622 00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:33,400 What, you mean the...? 623 00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:35,320 You know the officer means the trip wire. 624 00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:37,000 I'm doing the talking, Sergeant Major. 625 00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:38,400 Sir. 626 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:39,440 Well? 627 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:41,040 FLY BUZZES 628 00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:44,000 Well... 629 00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:48,240 Well, sir, that... 630 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:52,160 That is a trap for Nazi paratroopers, sir. 631 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,120 Am I a Nazi paratrooper? 632 00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:57,120 No! No, sir. You're one of us. HE CHUCKLES 633 00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,360 I think. 634 00:31:58,360 --> 00:31:59,880 Explain yourself, Sergeant. 635 00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:01,920 Well, sir... 636 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:06,200 in this hut, we are usually otherwise engaged. 637 00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:09,200 You know, kipping and things like that. 638 00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:13,320 And we thought that some sort of early warning system was necessary. 639 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:16,280 I mean, you can't trust that Hitler round the bend, can you, sir? 640 00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:19,960 And this unit prides itself on being ever ready. 641 00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:22,520 Yes, Sergeant? No, Bombardier Ready, I wasn't talking to you. 642 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:25,840 I am addressing the commanding officer. 643 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:29,520 What is that man doing sitting at attention 644 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:31,560 on that man's shoulders? 645 00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:34,720 Well, sir, that's the presence of an officer, sir. 646 00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:36,400 But why sitting on someone's shoulders? 647 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,240 Well, sir, what with Shorthouse having such a fine head of hair, 648 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:40,920 we use him to keep the cobwebs down. 649 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,560 Ready, give the officer a demonstration. 650 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:46,080 My head! Ow! My head! He's banging my head. 651 00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:47,960 Ow! Careful! You're banging my head! 652 00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:50,160 Watch it! You're off balance. 653 00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:52,840 Enough of that. Enough of that! 654 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,200 Get down, that man! Sergeant Major. Hah! 655 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,480 Stand by your beds! This is an inspection! 656 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:00,200 Move yourselves! Come on, come on, come on. At the double! 657 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,920 Get properly dressed! Do yourself up, lad! 658 00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:06,640 Do your flies up, that man. Your brains is catching cold. 659 00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:08,840 Lay it out! Lay it out! 660 00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:17,240 Hang properly to attention, that man! 661 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:22,080 You call that laying it out? Give us a minute, Sergeant Major. 662 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:25,680 Never mind that, Sergeant Major. What the devil is this? 663 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:27,360 Ah. Yes, sir. 664 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,720 You see, those, sir, are ear muffs, sir. 665 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:31,480 A trophy of war, that is, sir. 666 00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:34,280 Ear muffs? Trophy of war? 667 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:36,480 Captured from one of them German ATS 668 00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:39,000 during the retreat from Dunkirk, sir. 669 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:40,880 But it says "Made in England". 670 00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:42,040 SNEEZE 671 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:44,320 Who's that sneezing up in the loft? 672 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:45,680 Oh, that was him, sir. 673 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,120 It couldn't have been. I've just seen him talking. Yeah. 674 00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:52,840 Yeah, he was talking and then... then he sneezed, sir. 675 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:54,120 I didn't see him. 676 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,680 Well, I would never knowingly sneeze in the presence of an officer, sir. 677 00:33:57,680 --> 00:33:59,000 So, he sort of... 678 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,880 He threw his sneeze up into the loft. 679 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:03,320 Didn't you, Ready? 680 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:05,000 Er, yes, Sergeant. 681 00:34:05,000 --> 00:34:08,720 Are you a ventriloquist? Oh, no, sir. Church of England. 682 00:34:09,720 --> 00:34:12,160 Do you pursue the ventriloquial art? 683 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:14,120 In an amateurish sort of way, yes, sir. 684 00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:15,200 Do it again. 685 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:17,160 Er... again. 686 00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:20,280 You mean, you want me to throw... 687 00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:23,440 throw my voice and sneeze up in the loft again? 688 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:24,920 Sir! Yes, now. 689 00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:26,120 SNEEZE 690 00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:27,240 I saw your lips move. 691 00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:29,520 I didn't. I did distinctly. 692 00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:32,440 I should give it up if I were you. You're not very good at it. 693 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:33,640 LAUGHS 694 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:36,400 Come to think of it, the state of this hut's not very good either. 695 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:37,840 In fact, it's horrible. 696 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:43,720 In the time it takes me to shower, 697 00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:46,240 you shower will clean this place up. 698 00:34:46,240 --> 00:34:48,480 I want this floor polished from wall to wall. 699 00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:50,200 Under the beds. Round the stove. 700 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:53,800 Polish it everywhere. 701 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:57,600 I want it so that I can see my face in it. 702 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,880 You heard what the officer said! Get on with it! 703 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:07,160 No, no, no. Something has got to be done. 704 00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,240 I know what he wants. What does he want? 705 00:35:11,240 --> 00:35:13,080 He wants us to polish the floor, sarge. 706 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:24,360 CANS RATTLE 707 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:26,360 Phoooooor! 708 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:27,880 He's in it again! 709 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:30,200 Oh... 710 00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:38,200 You... 711 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:40,680 SNIGGERING 712 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:42,000 You... 713 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:43,680 You... Aarrrghhhhh! 714 00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:45,800 LAUGHTER 715 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,240 CLATTERING 716 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:51,880 What has happened? 717 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:54,560 He went through so fast... 718 00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,600 ..I think he might've been taken short again. 719 00:35:57,600 --> 00:35:59,840 Yes, quite a nasty friction burn you've got there. 720 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:02,040 What have you been doing, eh? Arsing about? 721 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:05,080 A drop of calamine'll soon get to the bottom of this one. 722 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:06,840 I will cancel the route march, sir. 723 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:08,600 You'll do no such thing, Sergeant Major. 724 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:11,120 No choice, sir. Both your uniforms is at the cleaners. 725 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:13,280 Yes, I know that. SIZZLING 726 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,720 You cannot go on route march in your underpants, 727 00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:17,680 and with a burnt bum to boot. 728 00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:19,520 Get me a battledress, Sergeant Major, 729 00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:20,960 from battalion stores, you fool. 730 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:22,320 I've already rung the stores, 731 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,640 and there's nothing in your size, sir. 732 00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:27,480 I must say, this is a bit near the ground, Melly. 733 00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:29,240 Get me a battledress, Sergeant Major. 734 00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:31,120 I don't care how you get it, but get it! 735 00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:32,160 Sir. 736 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:40,520 What does he expect me to do? Knit him one? The short ans... 737 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:44,120 That's it! 738 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,960 Shorthouse. Little Gunner Shorthouse. 739 00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:48,000 LAUGHS 740 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,480 My best walking out battledress, Sergeant Major? 741 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:53,040 Do not bandy words with me, lovely boy. 742 00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:56,000 Or I will raise my right leg six inches from the ground, 743 00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,920 place my number ten firmly on the top of your head, 744 00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:02,120 and press you straight through the floorboards. 745 00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:03,480 Nice. 746 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:07,400 Best walking out battledress, Shorthouse, please. 747 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,840 But what if he wants to go walking out, Sergeant Major? 748 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:11,680 Then he will just have to stay in! 749 00:37:11,680 --> 00:37:13,520 Oh, flippin' heck. 750 00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:16,040 Only one man round here allowed to use bad language, Gunner, 751 00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:17,880 and you is looking at him. 752 00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:20,680 Get it out, lovely boy. 753 00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:22,520 Get it out. 754 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:23,560 Pardon? 755 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,000 The battledress. Get it out! Sergeant Major. 756 00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:41,920 I do not know about walking out in it. 757 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:43,960 It looks like you've been sleeping out in it. 758 00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:46,240 Get it pressed like it's never been worn, 759 00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:49,200 and bring it over the battery office in ten min-u-ets. 760 00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:50,480 And by the way, 761 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:53,320 the whole of the mixed section will parade at 0900 hours. 762 00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:55,000 You is going walkies. 763 00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:57,360 Walkies? A route march! 764 00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,360 LAUGHS 765 00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:01,240 I is looking forward to seeing you off 766 00:38:01,240 --> 00:38:04,080 on them 12 foot-blistering miles. 767 00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:08,160 I cannot wait to wish you luck as you wave my goodbye. 768 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:10,440 LAUGHS 769 00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:13,080 12 miles?! 770 00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:16,920 So, you see, Tilly, I wanted to ask your advice. 771 00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,800 I mean, you being a woman and all that. 772 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:22,400 Oh, so you've noticed? Yes. A couple of times. 773 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:25,640 Not now, Leonard. We're on duty. 774 00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:30,880 You see, the little perisher is gonna wear this on the march. 775 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:33,320 Him? No, no. Not him. Him. 776 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:34,920 Captain flippin' S Melly. 777 00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:36,960 Oh, Smelly himself. Yeah. 778 00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:41,320 So, with all your knowledge of erm... sewing and that, 779 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:46,000 what can we do to sabotage Shorty's walking outs? 780 00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:50,520 I don't want anybody sabotaging my walking out. A-a-a-a-a! 781 00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:53,360 It's either your walking outs or our feet. 782 00:38:55,240 --> 00:38:56,280 Well, Till? 783 00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:01,120 SIGHS 784 00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:02,640 I don't know. 785 00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:04,560 I just don't know. 786 00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:07,120 Built to withstand all the rigours of wars, these. 787 00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:09,400 Yeah, I know that, but what are we going to do? 788 00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:11,600 Wait a minute. 789 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:15,000 I'm waiting. 790 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:17,120 Anti-gas bleach. 791 00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:18,680 Anti-gas bleach. 792 00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:19,800 Anti-gas bleach? 793 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:21,840 Oh, Leonard. Get me some. 794 00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:23,360 Ready, get me some. 795 00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:30,000 Right. You got a match? Yeah, your... 796 00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:31,480 Er... 797 00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:41,760 This'll make him hop a bit. 798 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:47,000 CHUCKLES 799 00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:57,520 Parade! Right heel! 800 00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,760 SQUEAKING 801 00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:10,840 Parade ready for route march, sir! 802 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:12,840 Thank you, Sergeant Major. 803 00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:17,640 SQUEAKING 804 00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:25,680 Mixed section, move to the left in column abrupt. 805 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:27,520 Left turn! 806 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:32,200 SQUEAKING 807 00:40:33,720 --> 00:40:37,480 By the left, quick march. 808 00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,040 Mixed section, halt! 809 00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:49,960 SQUEAKING 810 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:52,880 What the devil do you think you're doing, Sergeant Major? 811 00:40:52,880 --> 00:40:54,200 Seeing you off, sir. 812 00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:56,480 Somebody has to hold the fort. 813 00:40:56,480 --> 00:41:00,320 A fort with only a wooden gun doesn't need holding. 814 00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:01,760 Fall in at the rear. 815 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:02,800 With respect, sir, 816 00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:05,000 I cannot do route marches with my feet. 817 00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:07,440 Well, you certainly can't do one without them. 818 00:41:07,440 --> 00:41:09,800 LAUGHS 819 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,640 Fall in. Sir! 820 00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:21,720 Mixed section and Sergeant Major, 821 00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:24,240 quick march! 822 00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:34,240 LAUGHTER 823 00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:53,480 SQUEALS OF LAUGHTER 824 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:04,200 You seems to have come apart at the seams, sir. 825 00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:14,320 Mixed section, halt! 826 00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:28,840 Left turn! 827 00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:33,280 CHUCKLING 828 00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:36,360 LIGHT LAUGHTER 829 00:42:41,120 --> 00:42:43,760 LAUGHTER GROWS 830 00:43:14,280 --> 00:43:16,360 Sergeant Major! Sir! 831 00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:19,080 Put them all on a charge. Hah! 832 00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:22,920 Every man, jack and woman of 'em. Sir! 833 00:43:22,920 --> 00:43:26,120 You is all on a charge. 834 00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:29,720 Er, what is the charge, sir? 835 00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:32,560 Laughing. 836 00:43:34,240 --> 00:43:35,560 On duty. 837 00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:55,520 Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Left! 838 00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:57,720 Defaulters, halt! 839 00:43:57,720 --> 00:43:59,240 Hats off! 840 00:44:00,560 --> 00:44:03,600 March them in, Sergeant Major. One at a time, sir? 841 00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:07,120 They're all on the same charge. I'll see them all together. 842 00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:10,400 Sir! Defaulters, opposite sex first. 843 00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:12,320 Single file. Double march! 844 00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:14,480 Left, right! Left, right! Move yourselves! 845 00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:17,160 Left, right! Left, right! Mark time! 846 00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:19,520 Left, right! Left, right! Move yourselves! 847 00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:21,960 Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Halt! 848 00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:23,040 SMASHING 849 00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:25,880 Where are you, sir? 850 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:29,200 GASPS 851 00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:31,360 Over here, Sergeant Major. 852 00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:34,640 I can't see you, sir. Raise your hand, sir. 853 00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:37,720 Would you... 854 00:44:39,720 --> 00:44:43,040 Will you kindly remove your... I can't. I'm squashed. 855 00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:45,880 Take a deep breath, Ffoukes... Ffoukes-Sharpe. 856 00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:47,440 SHE INHALES 857 00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:48,480 SHE EXHALES 858 00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:49,520 Oh! 859 00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:52,440 Never mind where I am, Sergeant Major. 860 00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:53,680 Read the charge. 861 00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:54,720 Hah! 862 00:44:54,720 --> 00:44:58,920 Defaulters did, whilst on duty, indulge in unauthorised laughter, 863 00:44:58,920 --> 00:45:00,840 in contravention of King's regulations 864 00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:02,600 and War Office instructions, sir. 865 00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:05,640 MUFFLED 866 00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:08,920 I'm sorry, sir. We couldn't... We couldn't quite catch that. 867 00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:13,080 Will you kindly remove those things from my... 868 00:45:14,240 --> 00:45:16,720 I said you're all confined to camp for two weeks. 869 00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:20,360 Carry on, Sergeant Major! Sir! 870 00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:22,240 About turn! 871 00:45:22,240 --> 00:45:24,600 Double march! Left, right! Left, right! 872 00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:26,040 Move yourselves! 873 00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:39,120 Sergeant Major, shut the door. 874 00:45:45,720 --> 00:45:47,840 Well, that'll teach 'em. 875 00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:51,000 What are you shaking your head for? 876 00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:53,360 They will not mind being confined to camp, sir. 877 00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:54,720 Nonsense! 878 00:45:54,720 --> 00:45:57,320 Every soldier minds being confined to camp. 879 00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:59,520 Not when half of 'em is women, sir. 880 00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:00,800 They is happy here. 881 00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:02,000 Happy? 882 00:46:03,160 --> 00:46:05,120 It has always been my proud boast, sir, 883 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:08,440 in all my time as a sergeant major, in all my camps 884 00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:11,280 there has never been a single solitary sign of happiness. 885 00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:12,320 Till now. 886 00:46:15,240 --> 00:46:17,080 Why, man? Why? 887 00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:20,440 This lot have got everything they want here, sir. 888 00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:21,480 Such as? 889 00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:24,960 Ooh. A bit of this, a bit of that. A lot of that, actually. 890 00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:26,720 A lot of what? 891 00:46:26,720 --> 00:46:28,760 You know, sir? That. 892 00:46:31,640 --> 00:46:34,200 Surely you don't mean a bit of the other. 893 00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:36,520 This, that or the other. No matter what you call it. 894 00:46:36,520 --> 00:46:37,800 This is at it all the time. 895 00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:41,760 In and out of each other's quarters like fiddler's elbows. 896 00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:43,280 Are they indeed? 897 00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:46,240 Well, that is something to which I'm going to put a bloody stop. 898 00:46:46,240 --> 00:46:47,920 With respect, sir, we cannot stop them 899 00:46:47,920 --> 00:46:50,680 getting up to what they gets up to without staying up all night. 900 00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,680 That will not be necessary, Sergeant Major. 901 00:46:54,680 --> 00:46:55,840 Sir? 902 00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:58,280 We will built a chastity fence. 903 00:46:58,280 --> 00:46:59,720 A what, sir? 904 00:46:59,720 --> 00:47:01,240 A sort of a big belt. 905 00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:03,360 Ooh. 906 00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:06,480 Made of barbed wire. 907 00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:08,080 Cor! 908 00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:10,120 That sounds a bit uncomfortable, sir. 909 00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:14,320 Too-wit! 910 00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:15,520 Too-hoo! 911 00:47:18,240 --> 00:47:19,680 The last one, Sergeant Major. 912 00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:20,720 RIPPING 913 00:47:20,720 --> 00:47:24,040 Steady, man. You've caught me right in the... field dressing. 914 00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:26,480 Right, lift! 915 00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:38,920 Good man. 916 00:47:40,720 --> 00:47:44,240 Well, I think congratulations are in order, Sergeant Major. 917 00:47:44,240 --> 00:47:45,400 Thank you, sir. 918 00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:47,120 What? Not you, you fool. Me. 919 00:47:47,120 --> 00:47:48,520 Come along. Let's get back. 920 00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:50,080 There's gratitude for you. 921 00:47:50,080 --> 00:47:51,240 Sir! 922 00:48:02,200 --> 00:48:04,240 Private Easy. Yes, Sergeant? 923 00:48:04,240 --> 00:48:06,520 Make the signal to Sergeant Able. 924 00:48:06,520 --> 00:48:08,720 Code or plain language? 925 00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:10,840 Plain language. Right away. 926 00:48:14,080 --> 00:48:15,520 TOILET FLUSHES 927 00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:30,360 Ready? Er, Sergeant? 928 00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:33,800 Make to Sergeant Willing, message received. 929 00:48:33,800 --> 00:48:35,480 And understood. 930 00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:37,400 LAUGHTER 931 00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:38,440 Sergeant. 932 00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:47,400 Alice, I don't think I can hold this pose much longer. 933 00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:48,760 I'll get cramp. 934 00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:50,360 Really? 935 00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:52,560 Oh, Leonard, what's keeping you? 936 00:48:52,560 --> 00:48:53,600 Oooh. 937 00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:56,240 I told you so, Sergeant. 938 00:48:56,240 --> 00:48:58,200 That's not only barbed wire. That's rusty. 939 00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:00,720 Rusty? I'll get blood poisoning on my hooter. 940 00:49:00,720 --> 00:49:03,240 Will you shut up about your hooter? It's the only one I've got. 941 00:49:03,240 --> 00:49:05,920 You don't think the girls have gone off us, do you? 942 00:49:05,920 --> 00:49:08,160 No, no, this has got nothing to do with the girls. 943 00:49:08,160 --> 00:49:12,000 This is a right load of old Smelly. Smelly? 944 00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:13,640 READY MUMBLES Stop doing that. 945 00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:15,680 Sorry. He can't do that to us. 946 00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:18,000 Yeah, well, he's done it, hasn't he? But it's inhuman. 947 00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:19,040 Well, he ain't human. 948 00:49:19,040 --> 00:49:20,600 Well, he ain't gonna get away with it. 949 00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:22,920 Double back to the hut and fetch your tin hat. What for? 950 00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:25,040 You just do as I tells you. But I don't understand. 951 00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:26,480 Scarper! Yes, Sergeant. 952 00:49:26,480 --> 00:49:29,120 Right. Here. Now, listen. 953 00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:31,880 Now, you all know the drill for this sort of operation. 954 00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:35,840 I am asking for a volunteer. 955 00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:39,000 Right, sarge. 956 00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:41,840 Well done, son. 957 00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:46,120 Congratulations. Thank you very much, sarge. 958 00:49:46,120 --> 00:49:47,480 What for? 959 00:49:47,480 --> 00:49:50,160 You have just volunteered. Oh, have I? 960 00:49:50,160 --> 00:49:52,360 Yeah. Put your helmet on. Cover yourself up. 961 00:49:52,360 --> 00:49:54,160 No, not on your head. Cover your, er... 962 00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:56,080 I don't understand. Park, show him, will you? 963 00:49:56,080 --> 00:49:57,120 What do you mean? 964 00:49:57,120 --> 00:49:58,160 THUD Ooooh! 965 00:49:58,160 --> 00:50:00,680 That's right. Now, just hold it right there. What for? 966 00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:03,200 So you don't do yourself an injury when you lay on the wire. 967 00:50:03,200 --> 00:50:04,840 What?! Shh! 968 00:50:04,840 --> 00:50:06,920 Right, come on, lads. The girls is getting cold. 969 00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:09,920 No, not the wire, Sergeant. No, Sergeant. I'll do anything. 970 00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:13,120 Not on the wire! Please, Sergeant! Don't throw me on the wire. 971 00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:14,960 One, two, three. 972 00:50:14,960 --> 00:50:17,000 SCREAMS 973 00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:18,640 EXPLOSION, READY CRIES OUT 974 00:50:19,760 --> 00:50:22,120 Cor blimey, Ready. What have you done? 975 00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:25,200 Nothing. Eh? 976 00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:27,400 Ooh! Ah! Me neck! 977 00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:29,240 CRACKLING 978 00:50:29,240 --> 00:50:31,240 Keep your hand on your helmet, for God's sake, 979 00:50:31,240 --> 00:50:34,000 otherwise you'll be ruined for life. Over to his bed. 980 00:50:34,000 --> 00:50:37,000 There we go. Carefully does it. Careful, careful. 981 00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:39,720 Careful, lads. READY GROANS 982 00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:43,720 Wake up. 983 00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:46,440 Wake up! 984 00:50:46,440 --> 00:50:47,880 How are you feeling, son? 985 00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:50,400 It's just as though those explosions 986 00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:53,440 are reverberating all through my body. 987 00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:56,000 Well, just so long as your helmet's not damaged. 988 00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:57,520 Oooh! 989 00:51:00,320 --> 00:51:01,600 Yeah. 990 00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:04,520 And I thought he was just a little basket. 991 00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:06,280 Well, what is he, then, sarge? 992 00:51:07,880 --> 00:51:10,320 A cunning little basket. 993 00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:14,120 COCKEREL CROWS 994 00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:17,960 HUMS 995 00:51:26,880 --> 00:51:28,320 Morning, sir. 996 00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:29,760 Good morning, Sergeant Major. 997 00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:32,120 You requested my presence at this early hour, sir? 998 00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:35,640 Yes, I did indeed. Why? Did I interrupt your sleep? 999 00:51:35,640 --> 00:51:39,040 It doesn't worry me, sir. Well, I should think not, indeed. 1000 00:51:39,040 --> 00:51:44,520 Well, it's coming up for the hour. Five, four, three, two, one. 1001 00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:46,600 Sound the reveille. Reveille? 1002 00:51:46,600 --> 00:51:49,360 Yes, the wakey-wakey. Get up and win the war. 1003 00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:52,000 When I'm on my feet, everyone's on their feet. 1004 00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:53,440 I beg your pardon, sir. 1005 00:51:53,440 --> 00:51:55,800 But I has found you gets more out of this shower 1006 00:51:55,800 --> 00:52:00,160 if they is allowed to wake up sort of gradual, like. 1007 00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:05,680 Well, from now on, they're going to wake up sort of sudden, like. 1008 00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:07,960 If they gets up on the wrong side, sir, 1009 00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:11,520 they can make your life a bloody misery all day. 1010 00:52:11,520 --> 00:52:14,360 Yes, well, I'm the man who makes lives bloody miserable, 1011 00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:15,400 Sergeant Major. 1012 00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:17,240 Sound the reveille. Very well, sir. 1013 00:52:18,720 --> 00:52:21,160 I think I can safely say that 1014 00:52:21,160 --> 00:52:23,960 this is definitely gonna give them the needle. 1015 00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:26,000 LAUGHS 1016 00:52:30,160 --> 00:52:31,360 Stand by. 1017 00:52:35,960 --> 00:52:38,720 FANFARE 1018 00:52:39,880 --> 00:52:42,480 Blimey! It's only half past six. 1019 00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:43,560 What a liberty! 1020 00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:45,720 Here, turn that off! 1021 00:52:45,720 --> 00:52:47,800 Oh, my gawd. Give it a rest. 1022 00:52:47,800 --> 00:52:49,240 What the hell was that? 1023 00:52:49,240 --> 00:52:50,720 Sounds like reveille. 1024 00:52:50,720 --> 00:52:52,520 Well, turn the bloody thing off. 1025 00:52:52,520 --> 00:52:54,800 You can't turn off a tannoy, sarge. 1026 00:52:54,800 --> 00:52:57,560 Get on Ready's shoulders and stuff something up it. 1027 00:52:57,560 --> 00:52:59,240 What can I stuff up it, sarge? 1028 00:52:59,240 --> 00:53:02,360 Well, I don't know. Your head, your arse, your elbow. 1029 00:53:02,360 --> 00:53:04,880 Only hurry up. I'm trying to get some kip. 1030 00:53:04,880 --> 00:53:07,240 Hey, Ready. What? Hand us me pillow. 1031 00:53:07,240 --> 00:53:09,440 Can't you remember anything? Give us that. 1032 00:53:09,440 --> 00:53:11,680 I can't see with that in my face. What you saying? 1033 00:53:11,680 --> 00:53:13,760 Get it out my face. There we are. 1034 00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:17,200 It's stopped. Well, take me back again. 1035 00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:21,680 Wakey-waaaaaakey! 1036 00:53:21,680 --> 00:53:23,600 Here we go. Way-hey-hey! 1037 00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:25,120 Wakey-wakey, rise and shine. 1038 00:53:25,120 --> 00:53:28,280 You may break your mothers' hearts, but you will not break mine. 1039 00:53:29,280 --> 00:53:31,200 How dare you stuff the commanding officer 1040 00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:33,160 when he is talking. Unstuff him at once! 1041 00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:34,760 Get down and get dressed! 1042 00:53:34,760 --> 00:53:37,760 And the rest of you, what does you think you is doing? 1043 00:53:37,760 --> 00:53:40,680 Well, we was... we was trying to get some kip. 1044 00:53:40,680 --> 00:53:43,200 But you has had all night to kip. 1045 00:53:43,200 --> 00:53:45,880 Now then, off your backs, on your feet, 1046 00:53:45,880 --> 00:53:48,000 and get into them ablutions at the double! 1047 00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,320 Aeroplanes. 1048 00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:58,840 Hey, what's all this about, then, Sergeant Major? 1049 00:53:59,960 --> 00:54:03,240 Aircraft recognition. These is your new pin-ups. 1050 00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:05,080 I bet none of you can tell the difference 1051 00:54:05,080 --> 00:54:07,600 between a couple of Heinkels and a pair of Bristols. 1052 00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:11,800 No, but I can recognise a Fokker when I see one. 1053 00:54:11,800 --> 00:54:14,320 Good boy. That is why you is a sergeant. 1054 00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:22,400 'Attention, all ATS personnel.' 1055 00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:24,280 'I'm going to make men of you.' 1056 00:54:25,280 --> 00:54:29,000 As from this moment, skirts will not be worn. 1057 00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:32,000 'Skirts will not be worn.' 1058 00:54:32,000 --> 00:54:34,040 Ooh, that'll be a bit draughty. 1059 00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:38,120 'Battledress trousers will be worn at all times.' 1060 00:54:38,120 --> 00:54:39,280 'That is all.' 1061 00:54:40,280 --> 00:54:41,560 Wait a minute. 1062 00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:44,720 Private Easy, did you hear what he just said? 1063 00:54:44,720 --> 00:54:47,240 Well, of course we did. That's what we're all talking about. 1064 00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:49,640 No, no, no, Bombardier Murray. 1065 00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:52,320 He said, his exact words were, 1066 00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:56,440 "Battledress trousers will be worn. That is all." 1067 00:54:56,440 --> 00:54:58,160 Yes. 1068 00:54:58,160 --> 00:54:59,680 So he did. 1069 00:54:59,680 --> 00:55:01,960 HUMS 1070 00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:09,680 Wakey-wakey, rise and shine! 1071 00:55:09,680 --> 00:55:12,120 All ATS personnel taking breakfast, 1072 00:55:12,120 --> 00:55:14,760 fall in outside under Corporal Murray. 1073 00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:18,760 Come along, girls. Fall in. 1074 00:55:21,720 --> 00:55:25,240 How dare you come on parade improperly dressed. 1075 00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:27,480 We're only obeying orders, Sergeant Major. 1076 00:55:27,480 --> 00:55:30,160 Ooh. Orders? Whose orders? 1077 00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:31,480 His. Sir's. 1078 00:55:31,480 --> 00:55:33,640 We're to wear battledress trousers and that's all. 1079 00:55:33,640 --> 00:55:36,280 The officer would never give an order like that. His very words. 1080 00:55:36,280 --> 00:55:37,880 The dirty little... Sergeant Major. 1081 00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:43,760 What the devil's going on here? Why are these men half naked? 1082 00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:46,000 Because, sir, you said they was to come on parade 1083 00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:48,040 wearing trousers and that is all. I did not! 1084 00:55:48,040 --> 00:55:50,280 Oh, yes you did, sir. 1085 00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:52,200 Oh, no, I didn't. ALL: Oh, yes, you did. 1086 00:55:52,200 --> 00:55:54,680 Oh, no, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did! 1087 00:55:54,680 --> 00:55:56,440 Quiet! 1088 00:55:56,440 --> 00:55:58,440 I'm going to make a couple of points here. Ooh. 1089 00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:00,400 Sergeant Major, when I said, "That's all," 1090 00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:02,560 I didn't mean that's all. I meant that's all. 1091 00:56:02,560 --> 00:56:04,840 That sounds like a lot of alls, sir. 1092 00:56:05,840 --> 00:56:09,040 The cold wind of change is going to blow through this camp. 1093 00:56:09,040 --> 00:56:11,640 This I promise you. So you'd better take cover. 1094 00:56:22,800 --> 00:56:24,360 I have now... 1095 00:56:24,360 --> 00:56:25,840 Do you mind, Sergeant Major? 1096 00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:31,280 I have now taken you apart. 1097 00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:34,280 And from now on, that is how you will stay. 1098 00:56:36,720 --> 00:56:37,920 Apart. 1099 00:56:40,640 --> 00:56:42,560 You will eat apart. 1100 00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:44,840 You will march apart. 1101 00:56:44,840 --> 00:56:47,120 You will live apart. 1102 00:56:47,120 --> 00:56:48,480 Left turn! 1103 00:56:49,640 --> 00:56:51,400 'Well apart.' 1104 00:56:51,400 --> 00:56:53,440 Right turn! 1105 00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:57,440 'During gun drills, which will now take place daily, 1106 00:56:57,440 --> 00:57:00,480 'gas masks will be worn at all times.' 1107 00:57:00,480 --> 00:57:02,520 'Do I make myself clear?' 1108 00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:07,320 'There will be compulsory nights out 1109 00:57:07,320 --> 00:57:10,360 'every night until 23:59 hours.' 1110 00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:13,360 'Transport will be provided.' 1111 00:57:13,360 --> 00:57:16,400 'ATS, Mondays, men on Tuesdays.' 1112 00:57:16,400 --> 00:57:17,920 Look at him laughing at us. Look. 1113 00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:27,320 And so it will go on and on and on and on, 1114 00:57:27,320 --> 00:57:30,920 until the whole of Europe is ours. 1115 00:57:36,240 --> 00:57:38,920 How did he get into our Army? 1116 00:57:38,920 --> 00:57:40,960 Seig Heil, Melly. 1117 00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:50,800 I've got it! 1118 00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:51,880 I've got it! 1119 00:57:51,880 --> 00:57:53,280 MUMBLES 1120 00:57:53,280 --> 00:57:54,320 So has he. 1121 00:57:54,320 --> 00:57:56,360 Well, take it outside. 1122 00:57:56,360 --> 00:57:58,200 And throw a bucket of water on it. 1123 00:57:59,920 --> 00:58:01,800 I've got it! 1124 00:58:01,800 --> 00:58:04,080 I've got it! What a waste. 1125 00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:05,600 Poor devil. 1126 00:58:06,720 --> 00:58:08,440 Leonard. 1127 00:58:08,440 --> 00:58:10,400 Right, you lot. Over here. 1128 00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:12,120 Come on, move yourselves. 1129 00:58:12,120 --> 00:58:14,800 Now, this is the plan. 1130 00:58:14,800 --> 00:58:17,320 We are going to dig a tunnel. 1131 00:58:17,320 --> 00:58:21,520 We are going to dig a tunnel. 1132 00:58:21,520 --> 00:58:23,600 A tunnel of love? 1133 00:58:24,600 --> 00:58:26,080 It won't be as dark as that. 1134 00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:28,720 Cop hold of these. 1135 00:58:38,960 --> 00:58:40,000 Oh. 1136 00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:41,200 Get 'em up. Shh. 1137 00:58:47,480 --> 00:58:50,320 Never thought I'd find a use for my Army knickers. 1138 00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:52,840 Or any other kind, dear. Cheeky! 1139 00:58:53,920 --> 00:58:55,280 Now, keep it up, girls. 1140 00:58:55,280 --> 00:58:58,120 The boys ain't half gonna get a surprise. 1141 00:59:05,040 --> 00:59:06,160 DOG BARKS 1142 00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:09,240 DOG BARKS 1143 00:59:15,240 --> 00:59:17,000 Heel, Hitler. Heel. 1144 00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:20,120 Come on, Sergeant Major. Security patrol. 1145 00:59:20,120 --> 00:59:21,160 DOG BARKS 1146 00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:22,840 DOG YAPS 1147 00:59:22,840 --> 00:59:25,360 Is that the best the military police could send you? 1148 00:59:25,360 --> 00:59:27,360 Yours may be bigger than mine, sir, 1149 00:59:27,360 --> 00:59:29,720 but I've been told mine's got more bite. 1150 00:59:29,720 --> 00:59:32,440 Oh, come on, Hitler. 1151 00:59:32,440 --> 00:59:34,160 Come on, Muscle. 1152 00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:36,560 Shh. 1153 00:59:38,320 --> 00:59:39,680 What's that? 1154 00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:40,720 What's what? 1155 00:59:40,720 --> 00:59:41,880 SCRAPING 1156 00:59:41,880 --> 00:59:44,400 Sounds like somebody tunnelling. 1157 00:59:44,400 --> 00:59:46,200 Well, that's you, innit? 1158 00:59:47,360 --> 00:59:49,960 What was that? What? 1159 00:59:49,960 --> 00:59:52,800 It sounded like somebody digging. 1160 00:59:52,800 --> 00:59:54,640 That was you! 1161 00:59:54,640 --> 00:59:56,000 Oh, yes. Of course it was. 1162 00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:59,040 Check the padlock, Sergeant Major. Sir. 1163 00:59:59,040 --> 01:00:01,680 DOG BARKS 1164 01:00:01,680 --> 01:00:03,040 DOG SNIFFS 1165 01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:04,640 DOG URINATES 1166 01:00:04,640 --> 01:00:07,920 Sergeant Major, keep that dog of yours under control. 1167 01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:11,360 Well, I understand he's house-trained, sir, 1168 01:00:11,360 --> 01:00:12,800 but not outside-trained. 1169 01:00:12,800 --> 01:00:13,840 GROANS 1170 01:00:13,840 --> 01:00:15,360 Come on, Hitler. Come on. 1171 01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:18,080 DOG BARKS 1172 01:00:18,080 --> 01:00:19,520 Shh! 1173 01:00:20,960 --> 01:00:22,120 Listen. 1174 01:00:23,600 --> 01:00:24,800 They're patrolling. 1175 01:00:24,800 --> 01:00:26,800 Not a word. Pass it back. 1176 01:00:26,800 --> 01:00:28,560 Shh! Pass it back. 1177 01:00:28,560 --> 01:00:29,600 DOG BARKS 1178 01:00:29,600 --> 01:00:31,640 Heel, Hitler. Heel. 1179 01:00:31,640 --> 01:00:32,800 Steady, Muscle. 1180 01:00:34,320 --> 01:00:36,160 GROWLING 1181 01:00:38,240 --> 01:00:39,280 TEETH CHATTER 1182 01:00:39,280 --> 01:00:40,880 Quiet! 1183 01:00:40,880 --> 01:00:43,080 STUTTERS: It's not me. 1184 01:00:43,080 --> 01:00:45,240 It's me teeth. 1185 01:00:48,480 --> 01:00:50,840 Must be some old bones buried around here. 1186 01:00:50,840 --> 01:00:52,400 MUSCLE BARKS 1187 01:00:52,400 --> 01:00:54,920 SCREAMS Muscle, pull yourself together. 1188 01:00:54,920 --> 01:00:57,040 Come back here. Immediately. At the double. 1189 01:00:57,040 --> 01:01:00,800 Phew. That was a close call. I was nearly a dog's dinner. 1190 01:01:03,160 --> 01:01:07,200 Alice, hold them still. How can I get anything in those? 1191 01:01:31,320 --> 01:01:33,080 Tilly, darling. 1192 01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:35,840 Guess who's here? 1193 01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:39,120 Leonard, dearest. 1194 01:01:39,120 --> 01:01:42,320 Move over. Your Tilly's cold. 1195 01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:45,480 Leonard? 1196 01:01:47,200 --> 01:01:48,480 Leonard! 1197 01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:50,000 Tilly. 1198 01:01:50,000 --> 01:01:52,080 Where the hell are you? 1199 01:01:53,200 --> 01:01:54,880 Hey, sarge. Here. 1200 01:01:57,600 --> 01:01:59,360 Oh, no. 1201 01:02:00,360 --> 01:02:02,560 We must've tunnelled back into our own hut. 1202 01:02:02,560 --> 01:02:03,600 GROANING 1203 01:02:03,600 --> 01:02:05,800 No. No, no, no, no, no. 1204 01:02:05,800 --> 01:02:08,400 Don't be stupid, stupid. 1205 01:02:08,400 --> 01:02:10,920 The girls must've had the same idea. 1206 01:02:10,920 --> 01:02:12,960 So they're in our hut. So they're in... 1207 01:02:14,160 --> 01:02:15,640 Come on! 1208 01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:08,120 No. 1209 01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:11,320 What do you mean, no? Listen. 1210 01:03:11,320 --> 01:03:16,720 If we wait here, they will come to us. Right? 1211 01:03:16,720 --> 01:03:21,880 We are going to sit here quietly, and they will come to us. Yes. 1212 01:03:23,680 --> 01:03:25,840 Hear anything? Only you. 1213 01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:30,720 TANNOY 1214 01:03:30,720 --> 01:03:32,560 Reveille? 1215 01:03:32,560 --> 01:03:34,240 We've been at it all night. 1216 01:03:34,240 --> 01:03:36,240 Yes, and not even a nibble. 1217 01:03:36,240 --> 01:03:37,640 Well, it can't be. 1218 01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:42,320 COCKEREL CROWS 1219 01:03:43,320 --> 01:03:45,680 'Wakey-waaaakey!' 1220 01:03:45,680 --> 01:03:47,600 Get stuffed. 1221 01:03:53,560 --> 01:03:54,680 Stand at ease. 1222 01:03:55,680 --> 01:03:56,800 Easy. 1223 01:03:56,800 --> 01:04:00,840 This is a great day for 13-13 Experimental Battery. 1224 01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:03,680 And an even better night for us, Leonard. 1225 01:04:03,680 --> 01:04:06,600 Are you coming down my tunnel, or am I going up yours? 1226 01:04:06,600 --> 01:04:09,280 As a result, headquarters have at last agreed 1227 01:04:09,280 --> 01:04:11,880 to send us that most desirable piece of equipment 1228 01:04:11,880 --> 01:04:13,560 to have handy in time of war, 1229 01:04:13,560 --> 01:04:14,800 namely, a gun. 1230 01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:17,520 And may God protect us all. 1231 01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:20,800 The Brigadier himself will be here tomorrow 1232 01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:21,960 for a full inspection, 1233 01:04:21,960 --> 01:04:24,720 and, I hope, to see us in action. 1234 01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:27,480 Ah! Here she comes. 1235 01:04:27,480 --> 01:04:29,960 Parade! Attention! 1236 01:04:29,960 --> 01:04:32,600 MUSIC: 'Rule Britannia' by Thomas Arne 1237 01:04:41,520 --> 01:04:44,200 If he goes over out tunnel, he'll fall in. 1238 01:04:54,080 --> 01:04:55,520 Sergeant Major. Hah! 1239 01:04:55,520 --> 01:04:58,440 Culprits to my office at once. Sir! 1240 01:05:02,480 --> 01:05:05,520 Right, you horrible, stinking shower. 1241 01:05:05,520 --> 01:05:08,720 I wants the guilty party on the word of command, 1242 01:05:08,720 --> 01:05:12,080 male or female, to take one pace forward. 1243 01:05:12,080 --> 01:05:14,680 Guilty party, one pace forward, march. 1244 01:05:16,040 --> 01:05:18,720 The ground, cut from under our feet. 1245 01:05:18,720 --> 01:05:22,080 And I am determined to get to the bottom of it. 1246 01:05:22,080 --> 01:05:24,400 Answer me. You. Yes, sir. 1247 01:05:24,400 --> 01:05:25,440 Answer me. 1248 01:05:25,440 --> 01:05:27,040 Well, I have, sir. 1249 01:05:28,040 --> 01:05:30,240 Who is responsible? Answer me. 1250 01:05:30,240 --> 01:05:31,880 Moles, sir. What? 1251 01:05:31,880 --> 01:05:34,080 Well, I think it was moles, sir. 1252 01:05:35,880 --> 01:05:38,000 Who is responsible? You. 1253 01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:40,440 I think it was moles, too, sir. 1254 01:05:40,440 --> 01:05:42,040 Moles. 1255 01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:43,200 Moles? 1256 01:05:43,200 --> 01:05:46,120 Course, you don't get your ordinary type of mole round here, sir. No? 1257 01:05:46,120 --> 01:05:49,280 Oh, no, sir. These is all whopping great big 'uns, sir. 1258 01:05:49,280 --> 01:05:50,320 How big? 1259 01:05:50,320 --> 01:05:53,840 Oh, well, as big as that big dog of yours, sir. 1260 01:05:55,320 --> 01:05:58,160 Moles as big as Great Danes. 1261 01:05:58,160 --> 01:06:00,600 Oh, no. Bigger, really. 1262 01:06:00,600 --> 01:06:02,760 Bigger? Hm. 1263 01:06:02,760 --> 01:06:05,560 You know that hill outside the camp, sir? Yes. 1264 01:06:06,760 --> 01:06:07,880 That's a molehill. 1265 01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:12,880 Good Lord. That hill must be 20 feet high. 1266 01:06:12,880 --> 01:06:14,080 Well, sir, 1267 01:06:14,080 --> 01:06:16,440 that just goes to show you, doesn't it? 1268 01:06:19,960 --> 01:06:21,720 Sergeant Major? Sir? 1269 01:06:21,720 --> 01:06:24,560 Have you ever seen these beasts? I has not, sir. 1270 01:06:24,560 --> 01:06:26,080 Thank you, Sergeant Major. 1271 01:06:26,080 --> 01:06:28,200 And if I may say so, sir, 1272 01:06:28,200 --> 01:06:30,080 if I had seen such an animal, 1273 01:06:30,080 --> 01:06:32,640 you would need a gun as big as the one that went down the hole 1274 01:06:32,640 --> 01:06:33,920 to shoot it with. 1275 01:06:33,920 --> 01:06:36,040 Thank you very much, Sergeant Major. 1276 01:06:40,160 --> 01:06:42,280 Sergeants Willing and Able, 1277 01:06:42,280 --> 01:06:45,200 you have just told me a tissue... Bless you, sir. 1278 01:06:46,560 --> 01:06:48,240 ..of lies. 1279 01:06:48,240 --> 01:06:50,280 The whole lot of you 1280 01:06:50,280 --> 01:06:53,320 are going to remove my gun from its present hole, 1281 01:06:53,320 --> 01:06:55,120 and put it in its proper hole. 1282 01:06:55,120 --> 01:06:58,960 I don't care how you do it, but you are going to do it, 1283 01:06:58,960 --> 01:07:03,040 and you are going to keep on doing it until it is done. 1284 01:07:03,040 --> 01:07:04,720 Heave! 1285 01:07:04,720 --> 01:07:06,560 Heave. Shorthouse, are you heaving? 1286 01:07:06,560 --> 01:07:07,600 I'm heaving. 1287 01:07:07,600 --> 01:07:09,960 Look sharp, Ffoukes-Sharpe. 1288 01:07:11,760 --> 01:07:15,280 You ruin my gun, I ruin you. 1289 01:07:16,280 --> 01:07:17,400 Heave! 1290 01:07:17,400 --> 01:07:19,160 And you, lovely ones. 1291 01:07:26,000 --> 01:07:30,120 No, he ain't gonna get away with it. Making us sweat like that. 1292 01:07:31,120 --> 01:07:32,920 How do you mean, us? 1293 01:07:32,920 --> 01:07:34,280 Oh, all right. 1294 01:07:34,280 --> 01:07:36,920 He ain't gonna get away with it making you sweat like that. 1295 01:07:36,920 --> 01:07:38,840 But he is flippin' getting away with it. 1296 01:07:38,840 --> 01:07:39,880 Not for long, son. 1297 01:07:39,880 --> 01:07:42,200 It's a top brass inspection tomorrow, innit? 1298 01:07:42,200 --> 01:07:43,640 Yes, Sergeant. 1299 01:07:43,640 --> 01:07:46,400 The Brigadier's coming, isn't he? Yes, Sergeant. 1300 01:07:47,720 --> 01:07:49,200 What about it? 1301 01:07:50,720 --> 01:07:53,040 This about it, son. 1302 01:07:53,040 --> 01:07:54,960 He has gone too far. 1303 01:07:54,960 --> 01:07:57,480 So we are going to put into operation... 1304 01:07:58,600 --> 01:08:00,440 ..Plan B. 1305 01:08:09,600 --> 01:08:11,200 Good Lord. 1306 01:08:11,200 --> 01:08:13,640 Melly seems to have turned that girl into a man. 1307 01:08:13,640 --> 01:08:15,320 Yes. Jolly smart, eh, sir? 1308 01:08:15,320 --> 01:08:17,160 You don't suppose sheer bloody ignorance 1309 01:08:17,160 --> 01:08:18,360 really has worked, do you? 1310 01:08:18,360 --> 01:08:20,280 It couldn't be anything else, could it, sir? 1311 01:08:20,280 --> 01:08:22,920 He hasn't got anything else. That's why we chose him. 1312 01:08:26,120 --> 01:08:28,160 Parade. 1313 01:08:28,160 --> 01:08:30,600 Parade, attention! 1314 01:08:40,160 --> 01:08:41,280 Good show, Melly. 1315 01:08:41,280 --> 01:08:43,280 You've got them all turned out like guardsmen. 1316 01:08:43,280 --> 01:08:44,320 Thank you, sir. 1317 01:08:44,320 --> 01:08:46,320 Do they all perform as well as they look? 1318 01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:48,800 I've put a stop to all that, sir. What? 1319 01:08:48,800 --> 01:08:51,160 Oh, I don't mean I've stopped them performing, sir. 1320 01:08:51,160 --> 01:08:53,440 I mean that I've stopped them, uh... 1321 01:08:53,440 --> 01:08:54,800 Well, erm... 1322 01:08:56,120 --> 01:08:57,480 ..performing. 1323 01:08:57,480 --> 01:08:59,160 I don't follow, old boy. 1324 01:08:59,160 --> 01:09:00,440 Oh. 1325 01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:03,720 Well, how can I put it, sir? I, erm... 1326 01:09:05,040 --> 01:09:06,440 Well... 1327 01:09:08,120 --> 01:09:10,240 Oh, I see. 1328 01:09:10,240 --> 01:09:12,280 Get yourself a hen coop, eh? 1329 01:09:12,280 --> 01:09:15,400 LAUGHS 1330 01:09:15,400 --> 01:09:18,160 Wittily put, sir. Yes, I rather thought so myself. 1331 01:09:18,160 --> 01:09:20,160 Well, come along, Melly. Let's get cracking. 1332 01:09:20,160 --> 01:09:21,400 Very good, sir. 1333 01:09:28,320 --> 01:09:30,600 Colours, Sergeant Major. Sir. 1334 01:09:30,600 --> 01:09:36,040 BARKS ORDERS 1335 01:09:38,400 --> 01:09:42,760 BUGLE 1336 01:09:42,760 --> 01:09:45,280 Put up a bit of a bloomer there, Melly. 1337 01:09:45,280 --> 01:09:46,320 I... 1338 01:09:46,320 --> 01:09:49,600 Whose flag is it supposed to be? Nicaragua's? 1339 01:09:50,840 --> 01:09:52,200 LAUGHS 1340 01:09:52,200 --> 01:09:54,080 Thank you, Carstairs. 1341 01:09:54,080 --> 01:09:55,840 Excuse me, sir. 1342 01:09:55,840 --> 01:09:57,680 Pull those knickers down. 1343 01:10:02,480 --> 01:10:04,240 No! Not you! 1344 01:10:04,240 --> 01:10:06,840 You, Bombardier. Get 'em down. 1345 01:10:10,480 --> 01:10:11,920 I'm terribly sorry, sir. 1346 01:10:12,920 --> 01:10:15,040 Some sort of innocent mistake. 1347 01:10:15,040 --> 01:10:17,160 Pulling down knickers is rarely innocent, 1348 01:10:17,160 --> 01:10:18,520 and never a mistake. 1349 01:10:18,520 --> 01:10:19,560 What? 1350 01:10:20,560 --> 01:10:23,320 Oh, an epigram, sir. I say, sir! 1351 01:10:23,320 --> 01:10:26,000 It was rather good. Well, what's next on the agenda? 1352 01:10:26,000 --> 01:10:28,320 Things seem to be flagging somewhat round here. 1353 01:10:28,320 --> 01:10:30,360 I thought a spot of gun drill, sir. 1354 01:10:30,360 --> 01:10:32,480 All right. Let's shoot off. 1355 01:10:32,480 --> 01:10:35,160 LAUGHS 1356 01:10:41,200 --> 01:10:45,200 You fall in at the gun emplacement. Move yourselves. Double away. 1357 01:10:47,200 --> 01:10:49,040 Come on. Move yourselves! 1358 01:10:49,040 --> 01:10:52,040 Get them bodies off. Get them bodies moving. Move it! 1359 01:10:53,560 --> 01:10:56,920 13-13 Battery, at the double, 1360 01:10:56,920 --> 01:10:58,600 stop for nothing, 1361 01:10:58,600 --> 01:11:00,640 take posts. 1362 01:11:04,840 --> 01:11:05,880 Watch it! 1363 01:11:05,880 --> 01:11:08,120 SCREAMS 1364 01:11:08,120 --> 01:11:11,160 Better try and get him out of there, Sergeant Major. Sir. 1365 01:11:14,240 --> 01:11:16,000 Steady, sir. 1366 01:11:16,000 --> 01:11:18,040 Excuse the familiarity, sir. 1367 01:11:20,080 --> 01:11:22,920 MELLY GROANS AND GRUNTS 1368 01:11:27,960 --> 01:11:31,000 Got yourself in a bit of a hole there, Melly. 1369 01:11:31,000 --> 01:11:33,240 Oh! LAUGHS 1370 01:11:33,240 --> 01:11:35,640 Permission to carry on, sir. Please do. 1371 01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:39,360 You two men there. 1372 01:11:39,360 --> 01:11:41,840 It doesn't need two men to lift one shell. 1373 01:11:41,840 --> 01:11:44,520 You couldn't call us two men, sir. Not me and Shorthouse. 1374 01:11:44,520 --> 01:11:45,800 More like one and a half, sir. 1375 01:11:45,800 --> 01:11:48,720 It doesn't need one and a half. These things is heavy, sir. 1376 01:11:48,720 --> 01:11:51,200 A man could do himself a mischief. Rubbish! 1377 01:11:51,200 --> 01:11:53,160 Come on. Hand it to me. 1378 01:11:57,360 --> 01:11:58,840 Over to you, Sergeant Major. 1379 01:11:58,840 --> 01:12:00,560 Tiger, darling, let me. 1380 01:12:00,560 --> 01:12:02,680 Do not use words like darling in front of officers. 1381 01:12:02,680 --> 01:12:05,360 But I couldn't bear it, darling, if you strained something 1382 01:12:05,360 --> 01:12:08,080 before we'd even... you know? 1383 01:12:08,080 --> 01:12:09,120 I do not know. 1384 01:12:09,120 --> 01:12:11,240 Well, let me teach you. 1385 01:12:11,240 --> 01:12:12,480 Oh! 1386 01:12:13,600 --> 01:12:16,000 I find these things awfully exciting. 1387 01:12:16,000 --> 01:12:17,440 I don't know why. 1388 01:12:24,000 --> 01:12:25,840 Take that thing out of there. 1389 01:12:25,840 --> 01:12:28,120 She's rammed it up. Let it stay up. 1390 01:12:28,120 --> 01:12:30,960 In that case, sir, gun loaded, sir. 1391 01:12:30,960 --> 01:12:32,640 Bearing 270. 1392 01:12:32,640 --> 01:12:34,680 SQUEAKING 1393 01:12:46,320 --> 01:12:48,680 Call Melly, will you? Sir. Captain Melly? 1394 01:12:50,120 --> 01:12:51,160 Sir? 1395 01:12:51,160 --> 01:12:53,560 Surely, in the interests of efficiency, 1396 01:12:53,560 --> 01:12:56,080 you shouldn't have someone with... those 1397 01:12:56,080 --> 01:12:58,440 doing, erm, that. 1398 01:12:58,440 --> 01:13:00,040 Sir, you're absolutely right. 1399 01:13:00,040 --> 01:13:02,800 Yes. Well, I always try and keep abreast of things. 1400 01:13:02,800 --> 01:13:05,720 Oh, droll, sir. Very droll! 1401 01:13:05,720 --> 01:13:07,400 Hiscock? I beg your pardon. 1402 01:13:07,400 --> 01:13:09,080 Gunner Hiscock? Yes, sir. 1403 01:13:09,080 --> 01:13:11,120 Replace those, er, her, will you? 1404 01:13:13,560 --> 01:13:14,680 Yes. 1405 01:13:14,680 --> 01:13:16,560 Carry on, Sergeant. 1406 01:13:24,240 --> 01:13:27,480 QE 30. Gun ready for firing, sir. 1407 01:13:27,480 --> 01:13:29,560 Right. Stand by. 1408 01:13:32,160 --> 01:13:33,200 Fire! 1409 01:13:35,480 --> 01:13:36,920 BLEATING 1410 01:13:36,920 --> 01:13:39,120 Hardly went off with a bang, eh, Melly? 1411 01:13:39,120 --> 01:13:41,000 Carry out drill for misfire. 1412 01:13:43,480 --> 01:13:45,800 Breach jammed, sir. Jammed? 1413 01:13:45,800 --> 01:13:47,160 Get out of my way. 1414 01:13:54,240 --> 01:13:56,760 Put up a bit of a black there, Melly. 1415 01:13:57,760 --> 01:14:00,840 Permission to take a shower. Where are you going to take them? 1416 01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:02,440 Not this shower, sir. 1417 01:14:03,760 --> 01:14:04,800 A hot shower. 1418 01:14:04,800 --> 01:14:08,160 Ah, yes. Well, I must admit you do look a bit grimy. 1419 01:14:08,160 --> 01:14:11,280 Carry on with the Brigadier's inspection, Sergeant Major. Hah! 1420 01:14:15,040 --> 01:14:17,240 Shall we commence in the mess, sir? 1421 01:14:17,240 --> 01:14:19,840 Seem to be in it already. Ha! 1422 01:14:19,840 --> 01:14:21,520 Ha! Ha! Ha! Huh. 1423 01:14:50,880 --> 01:14:52,720 It'll start working soon. 1424 01:14:53,880 --> 01:14:57,560 He'll turn bright blue as soon as he gets in the open air. 1425 01:14:57,560 --> 01:14:59,160 LAUGHTER 1426 01:15:00,840 --> 01:15:04,040 If you could see your way clear, sir, to grant me a transfer, 1427 01:15:04,040 --> 01:15:05,800 I would be eternally grateful. 1428 01:15:05,800 --> 01:15:08,640 I would do anything, sir. Any mission you cares to suggest. 1429 01:15:08,640 --> 01:15:10,960 I could parachute into Germany. Kill Hitler. 1430 01:15:17,200 --> 01:15:18,960 Captain Melly resuming duty, sir. 1431 01:15:18,960 --> 01:15:20,240 Melly? 1432 01:15:20,240 --> 01:15:21,640 Sir? 1433 01:15:21,640 --> 01:15:24,480 Melly, last time I saw you, you were black. 1434 01:15:24,480 --> 01:15:26,720 Now you seem to have turned blue. 1435 01:15:26,720 --> 01:15:28,880 Blue? Blue. 1436 01:15:28,880 --> 01:15:30,160 Mirror. 1437 01:15:39,800 --> 01:15:41,800 Blue as a baboon's arse. 1438 01:15:41,800 --> 01:15:43,000 LAUGHS 1439 01:15:45,640 --> 01:15:47,760 Permission to have another shower, sir. 1440 01:15:47,760 --> 01:15:48,800 Granted. 1441 01:15:48,800 --> 01:15:53,000 Carry on with the Brigadier's inspection, Sergeant Major. Hah! 1442 01:15:58,240 --> 01:15:59,800 On the other hand, sir, 1443 01:15:59,800 --> 01:16:01,920 if you does not fancy me knocking off Hitler, 1444 01:16:01,920 --> 01:16:04,720 how about that fat slob of an Italian ice cream merchant 1445 01:16:04,720 --> 01:16:05,840 Musso-bloody-lini? 1446 01:16:05,840 --> 01:16:07,560 Are you a coward, Sergeant Major? 1447 01:16:07,560 --> 01:16:08,920 Me, sir? 1448 01:16:08,920 --> 01:16:12,080 You want to go gallivanting off, trying to kill Hitler and Mussolini, 1449 01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:14,120 and sneak out from under this very tough job 1450 01:16:14,120 --> 01:16:15,800 you've got on here? 1451 01:16:15,800 --> 01:16:17,240 Only a suggestion, sir. 1452 01:16:17,240 --> 01:16:19,080 And bloody ashamed of it you should be. 1453 01:16:19,080 --> 01:16:21,280 Now, what's this? A games room, sir. 1454 01:16:22,480 --> 01:16:24,080 CHATTER AND GIGGLING 1455 01:16:30,840 --> 01:16:33,080 What's the name of this game, Sergeant Major? 1456 01:16:33,080 --> 01:16:36,640 Unarmed combat, sir. Oh? 1457 01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:40,280 What the sergeant major means, sir, is, er... Ahem. 1458 01:16:41,960 --> 01:16:44,560 ..is that you can never be sure 1459 01:16:44,560 --> 01:16:47,480 when them Nazi paratroopers might land, sir. 1460 01:16:47,480 --> 01:16:51,880 And we must be ready for 'em. By fighting with ladies? 1461 01:16:51,880 --> 01:16:55,720 Ah, sir, we heard about them nuns, sir. You know, sir? 1462 01:16:55,720 --> 01:16:59,160 Them nuns when the Frogs was done. With Tommy guns up their habits. 1463 01:16:59,160 --> 01:17:00,200 Them nuns... 1464 01:17:00,200 --> 01:17:04,120 Those nuns, Sergeant Major, were German soldiers in disguise. 1465 01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:06,240 Yeah, well, what we was doing, sir, 1466 01:17:06,240 --> 01:17:12,720 was getting used to the feel of... fighting something in skirts. 1467 01:17:12,720 --> 01:17:14,400 Mm-hm. 1468 01:17:14,400 --> 01:17:15,960 What do you say, Carstairs? 1469 01:17:15,960 --> 01:17:17,520 Mm-hm. 1470 01:17:18,680 --> 01:17:22,120 Can you explain that, Sergeant? Well, sir, this is, erm... 1471 01:17:22,120 --> 01:17:23,760 well, a mixed battery, sir. 1472 01:17:23,760 --> 01:17:27,640 And, erm, well, in a mixed battery, 1473 01:17:27,640 --> 01:17:29,560 you have to, er... 1474 01:17:29,560 --> 01:17:31,920 Mix it. Mix it. 1475 01:17:31,920 --> 01:17:35,000 Carstairs, you fancy yourself at unarmed combat, don't you? 1476 01:17:35,000 --> 01:17:37,400 I know a trick or two, sir. 1477 01:17:37,400 --> 01:17:39,160 Go on, then. Choose your opponent. 1478 01:17:39,160 --> 01:17:40,200 Thank you, sir. 1479 01:17:48,160 --> 01:17:49,800 You. 1480 01:17:49,800 --> 01:17:51,080 That man there. 1481 01:17:53,840 --> 01:17:57,120 Me, sir? No. No, no. Not you, Bombardier. 1482 01:17:57,120 --> 01:18:00,440 I... Oh, I never fight a man with his glasses on. 1483 01:18:00,440 --> 01:18:02,000 Well, I'll take them off, sir. 1484 01:18:02,000 --> 01:18:05,560 No, no. A bit too dangerous. Thank you. Back into line. 1485 01:18:05,560 --> 01:18:06,720 Sir. 1486 01:18:06,720 --> 01:18:07,760 Phew. 1487 01:18:07,760 --> 01:18:10,200 You. You. That man over there. 1488 01:18:12,680 --> 01:18:13,720 Me, sir? 1489 01:18:13,720 --> 01:18:15,480 Yes, you. 1490 01:18:17,800 --> 01:18:21,920 Sir, why don't you try one of our young ladies? Eh? 1491 01:18:21,920 --> 01:18:24,520 Good idea. Why not try one of her young ladies? 1492 01:18:24,520 --> 01:18:27,360 Just to show how far advanced in the game we are, sir. 1493 01:18:27,360 --> 01:18:31,000 Ladies? Well... Jolly good idea. Go ahead. 1494 01:18:31,000 --> 01:18:32,040 Ffoukes-Sharpe. 1495 01:18:32,040 --> 01:18:33,680 Pardon? Sir. 1496 01:18:35,000 --> 01:18:36,520 Sir. 1497 01:18:36,520 --> 01:18:37,720 If I was you, sir... 1498 01:18:37,720 --> 01:18:40,760 Yes, Sergeant Major. How you wish you were me. 1499 01:18:40,760 --> 01:18:42,360 No, sir. I think I should warn you. 1500 01:18:42,360 --> 01:18:45,400 Don't worry, Sergeant Major. I shan't hurt her. 1501 01:18:47,840 --> 01:18:50,280 Right, Miss Ffoukes-Sharpe. En garde! 1502 01:18:55,800 --> 01:18:58,480 What are the ATS afraid of? Stand by, Sergeant. 1503 01:18:58,480 --> 01:18:59,560 Oh! 1504 01:18:59,560 --> 01:19:00,880 Ha! Argh! 1505 01:19:00,880 --> 01:19:03,000 Oh! HE GROANS 1506 01:19:12,000 --> 01:19:13,320 Thank you, madam. 1507 01:19:14,920 --> 01:19:16,200 I wasn't ready, sir. 1508 01:19:18,080 --> 01:19:19,680 Come along, Carstairs. 1509 01:19:19,680 --> 01:19:22,680 I think we've both hung around here long enough, don't you? 1510 01:19:22,680 --> 01:19:23,720 LAUGHS 1511 01:19:29,000 --> 01:19:32,920 Whoever perpetrated that blue joke is going to suffer. 1512 01:19:34,000 --> 01:19:35,920 Suffer. 1513 01:19:35,920 --> 01:19:39,120 I'll murder 'em and I'll make dog meat of 'em. 1514 01:19:40,320 --> 01:19:43,360 I'll show them who's wearing the trousers around here. 1515 01:20:10,920 --> 01:20:12,360 Good afternoon, sir. 1516 01:20:16,000 --> 01:20:19,520 I say, sir. That ATS private's wearing a moustache. 1517 01:20:19,520 --> 01:20:22,880 That's no ATS private, Carstairs. That's Melly. 1518 01:20:26,160 --> 01:20:30,280 AIRCRAFT 1519 01:20:31,520 --> 01:20:33,640 AIR RAID SIREN 1520 01:20:33,640 --> 01:20:37,280 13-13 Battery, take post. 1521 01:20:37,280 --> 01:20:40,200 Action stations, Carstairs. Action stations. 1522 01:20:40,200 --> 01:20:42,120 Is this the real thing, Sergeant Major? 1523 01:20:42,120 --> 01:20:45,080 Yes, lovely boy. It is you against the Hun this time. 1524 01:20:46,440 --> 01:20:50,200 Move yourselves! Move yourselves! Come on! Come on! Come on! 1525 01:20:50,200 --> 01:20:52,120 Sixpence for every one you shoots down. 1526 01:20:52,120 --> 01:20:54,160 Two bob if it is a German. 1527 01:20:54,160 --> 01:20:57,000 Come on. Come on. Move yourselves! Move yourselves! 1528 01:20:57,000 --> 01:20:58,560 Come on. Come on. 1529 01:21:06,760 --> 01:21:09,280 Here, did you see that? 1530 01:21:09,280 --> 01:21:12,680 Leonard, you cannot expect a brigadier to expose himself. 1531 01:21:14,080 --> 01:21:16,280 I think perhaps we should go now, don't you? 1532 01:21:16,280 --> 01:21:19,720 Get them bloody guns ready, men! Put those gas masks on! 1533 01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:21,920 Number one detachment, take post. 1534 01:21:25,840 --> 01:21:28,520 Right. Stand by. 1535 01:21:28,520 --> 01:21:30,880 With respect, sir, you is improperly dressed. 1536 01:21:30,880 --> 01:21:33,360 If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be in this shape. 1537 01:21:41,680 --> 01:21:43,040 I reckon they're Fokkers. 1538 01:21:43,040 --> 01:21:44,280 Have you got it up? 1539 01:21:44,280 --> 01:21:45,640 I beg your pardon? 1540 01:21:45,640 --> 01:21:47,080 The shell, man. The shell. 1541 01:21:47,080 --> 01:21:49,760 Oh, that's rammed up all right, sir. Then fire it! 1542 01:21:50,720 --> 01:21:51,760 Fire! 1543 01:21:54,000 --> 01:21:55,480 Bloody hell! 1544 01:21:55,480 --> 01:21:57,920 Don't shoot at them! Shoot at them! 1545 01:21:57,920 --> 01:22:00,760 You dozy idle fool. 1546 01:22:00,760 --> 01:22:03,160 220-35-29. 1547 01:22:04,280 --> 01:22:05,680 Fire! 1548 01:22:05,680 --> 01:22:06,760 Fire! 1549 01:22:09,720 --> 01:22:11,880 190-30-28. 1550 01:22:11,880 --> 01:22:14,080 Shorthouse! 1551 01:22:14,080 --> 01:22:15,160 Sorry. Ha! 1552 01:22:15,160 --> 01:22:17,080 Get that shell in the breach. 1553 01:22:18,920 --> 01:22:20,760 Oh, for heaven's sake. 1554 01:22:21,760 --> 01:22:23,960 Get out. Fire! 1555 01:22:29,120 --> 01:22:30,720 We've got him, Sergeant Major! 1556 01:22:30,720 --> 01:22:32,320 Let's hope it's one of theirs. 1557 01:22:35,440 --> 01:22:38,560 CRIES OUT Well done, lads! Again! 1558 01:22:39,800 --> 01:22:40,920 Fire! 1559 01:22:43,920 --> 01:22:45,920 It's a hit, sir. It's a hit. 1560 01:22:45,920 --> 01:22:50,120 Well done, Tiger. Thank you, Smelly... sir. 1561 01:22:50,120 --> 01:22:52,080 Do it again. Do it again. 1562 01:22:52,080 --> 01:22:53,600 Fire! 1563 01:22:56,880 --> 01:22:58,240 It's another hit, sir! 1564 01:22:58,240 --> 01:23:00,320 LAUGHS Well done, Jock. 1565 01:23:01,960 --> 01:23:03,400 Do it again! 1566 01:23:03,400 --> 01:23:05,200 Right, stand back, you two. 1567 01:23:05,200 --> 01:23:06,960 Right, stand by. 1568 01:23:06,960 --> 01:23:08,320 Fire! 1569 01:23:12,600 --> 01:23:14,920 You's done it! You've done it, my lovely boys. 1570 01:23:14,920 --> 01:23:17,120 CHEERING 1571 01:23:18,160 --> 01:23:19,720 Well done, boys. Well done. 1572 01:23:19,720 --> 01:23:22,560 We did it! No, Leonard, YOU did it. 1573 01:23:22,560 --> 01:23:24,400 No, WE did it, Till. We did? 1574 01:23:24,400 --> 01:23:26,520 Yeah. Take that message back to Hitler. 1575 01:23:30,600 --> 01:23:31,960 Ha-ha! 1576 01:23:31,960 --> 01:23:35,960 Go on, Tiger! It's your birthday! 1577 01:23:39,000 --> 01:23:42,760 Leonard, I love you. You can tell him that as well. 1578 01:23:56,240 --> 01:23:57,440 All right. 1579 01:23:57,440 --> 01:24:00,320 Parade, stand at ease. 1580 01:24:01,320 --> 01:24:02,840 Stand easy. 1581 01:24:02,840 --> 01:24:06,000 Now, I am sure that you is all dying to know 1582 01:24:06,000 --> 01:24:08,320 the state of your commanding officer. 1583 01:24:08,320 --> 01:24:10,320 And I is very happy to inform you 1584 01:24:10,320 --> 01:24:15,680 that apart from a cracked funny bone sustained in the recoil, 1585 01:24:15,680 --> 01:24:18,360 and a couple of sprained fingers from tugging the toggle, 1586 01:24:18,360 --> 01:24:21,600 he is in what might be described as rude health. 1587 01:24:21,600 --> 01:24:26,640 In fact, he is coming out here now to congratulate you 1588 01:24:26,640 --> 01:24:29,560 as you so richly deserves. 1589 01:24:36,600 --> 01:24:39,520 ALL: And the same to you. 1590 01:24:44,080 --> 01:24:46,320 ALL: Hooray! 1591 01:24:46,320 --> 01:24:48,360 CHEERING 1592 01:24:51,320 --> 01:24:52,360 'And so it came about 1593 01:24:52,360 --> 01:24:55,080 'that through the blunderings of one poor bloody officer, 1594 01:24:55,080 --> 01:24:56,880 'a certain person, who shall be nameless, 1595 01:24:56,880 --> 01:24:58,720 'was able to create an everlasting symbol 1596 01:24:58,720 --> 01:25:00,480 'of encouragement and devotion to duty.' 1597 01:25:00,480 --> 01:25:03,160 'A symbol which was to be accepted throughout the entire world.' 1598 01:25:05,040 --> 01:25:07,400 Subtitles by ITVSignPost 105504