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♪ The Simpsons ♪
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D'
3
00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:39,289
Aah!
4
00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:56,222
Stupid junk mail.
"You may have already won."
5
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:57,724
Yeah. Win this.
6
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,934
"Here's good news for
Homer Simpsoy..."
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I'll see that he gets it.
8
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,563
How dumb do they think I am?
9
00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,607
A check?
10
00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,860
One million dollars.
11
00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:10,111
I'm rich!
12
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,411
Mr. Simpson,
I can assure you.
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This check of yours
is non-negotiable.
14
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:20,747
Yeah?
15
00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:23,041
Well, what makes you
so damn sure?
16
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:25,085
You see where it says
"Void, void, void,"
17
00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:26,628
and "This is not a check.
18
00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,880
Cash value 1/20th of a cent.
Mr. Banker, do not honor."
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00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:30,381
Shut up.
20
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:34,302
I had a feeling
it was too good to be true.
21
00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:36,054
Every time you get $1 million
22
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,764
something queers the deal.
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I don't think real checks
have exclamation points.
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Well, at least we got a free
sample of "Reading Digest."
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00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,938
Marge, I never read a
magazine in my life
26
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,273
and I'm not gonna start now.
27
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,775
Hey, a cartoon!
28
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:54,489
Ain't it the truth?
29
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:55,865
No, it's not the truth, Homer.
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00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,742
It's well-documented
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that women are
safer drivers than men.
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00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,580
Marge, cartoons don't have
any deep meaning.
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00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:03,998
They're just stupid drawings
34
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,250
that give you a cheap laugh.
35
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,087
Hey Einstein,
36
00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:10,839
put down your reading,
it's lunch time.
37
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,841
- Nah, you go ahead.
- You don't wanna eat?
38
00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,568
What did you do?
Get one of them stomach staples?
39
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,970
As Tolstoy said
in Quotable Notables,
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"Give me learning, sir,
41
00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:20,598
and you may keep
your black bread."
42
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Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
43
00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:23,017
Homer Simpson, sir.
44
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Simpson?
How very strange.
45
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His job description clearly
specifies an illiterate.
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We now return to
Troy McClure and Delores Montenegro
47
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in "Preacher With a Shovel."
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But irrigation
can save your people,
49
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:36,698
Chief Smiling Bear.
50
00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:39,492
Marge, look at them staring
at that idiot box.
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00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,244
God forbid they would
ever read something
52
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:42,745
and improve their minds.
53
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,707
You've certainly taken a shine
to that magazine.
54
00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:47,584
It's not just
one magazine, Marge,
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they take hundreds of magazines,
filter out the crap
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00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,755
and leave you with something
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00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,508
that fits right
in your front pocket.
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Those kids don't know
what they're missing.
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00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:03,975
Dad!
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00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:05,643
Hey, what gives, man?
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00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,228
We're all gonna sit down
as a family
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00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:10,982
and listen to an inspiring story
of wilderness survival.
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"Then I heard the sound
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00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:15,695
"that all arctic explorers
dread...
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The pitiless bark
of the sea lion."
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He'll be killed!
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00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:24,078
Homer, he obviously got out
alive if he wrote the article.
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00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,122
Don't be so...
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You're right.
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Homie, put down
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00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:35,590
your magazine for a minute.
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I thought
you might want to snuggle.
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00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:40,803
That reminds me.
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00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:44,057
"Seven Ways to Spice Up
Your Marriage."
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Marge, "You have a nice body
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00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,521
"and if you'd like to
see me in a costume,
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you have only to ask."
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00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,524
Thank you, Homie.
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00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,778
Wow! Little meat loaf men!
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00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,198
Where did you get
the idea for this, Mom?
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00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:01,658
Where do you think?
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00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,618
This baby never
steers you wrong,
83
00:04:03,701 --> 00:04:04,953
and it was free. Free!
84
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:06,829
It certainly has
enriched our lives.
85
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,039
Wow.
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00:04:08,122 --> 00:04:10,750
"Win a trip to Washington, D.C.
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00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,210
"All expenses paid.
88
00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:13,836
V.I.P. Tour."
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00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,630
It's for kids.
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00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:17,006
Wait, Dad!
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00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:20,093
An essay contest.
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00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:22,679
Children under 12, 300 words...
93
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,097
fiercely pro-American.
94
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,848
Sounds interesting.
95
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:28,601
Bart, maybe this is something
you'd like to do too.
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00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,228
Mom, it's a nice thought
97
00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:33,106
but we both know that
this is the pony to bet on.
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00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:39,529
What would Ben Franklin say
if he were alive today?
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00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:42,198
He'd say...
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00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,616
think of a better opening.
101
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,951
How's it going, honey?
102
00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:46,244
Not very well.
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00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,121
Well, when I used to get
stuck like this,
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00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:49,497
I'd go for a bike ride.
105
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:51,541
Do kids go
on bike rides anymore?
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00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,792
Yes!
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00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:54,103
I don't know.
I thought maybe bikes
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00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,421
weren't cool anymore.
109
00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,382
Do kids still use
that word? "Cool?"
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00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:00,550
Yes, Mom!
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00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:11,936
Okay, America, inspire me.
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00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,941
Wow, a bald eagle.
113
00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:24,824
Thanks for driving me
to the contest, Dad.
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00:05:24,907 --> 00:05:26,135
Sweetheart, there's nothing
I wouldn't do
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00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,660
for that magazine.
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00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:31,414
"So burn the flag if you must,
but before you do,
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00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:33,624
"you better burn
a few other things.
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00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,002
"You better burn your shirt
and your pants.
119
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,254
"Be sure to burn
your TV and car.
120
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,090
"Yes, and don't forget
to burn your house
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00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,467
"because none of those things
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00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:45,345
"could exist
without six white stripes
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00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:48,848
seven red stripes
and a hell of a lot of stars."
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00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,433
Thank you very much.
125
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:51,559
Yeah! Damn right!
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00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,107
"Recipe for a free country:
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00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,194
"Mix one cup liberty with
three teaspoons of justice.
128
00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:02,695
"Add one informed electorate.
129
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,697
Baste well with veto power."
130
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:08,076
"My back is spineless.
131
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,119
"My belly is yellow.
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00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,538
I am the American nonvoter."
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00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,626
"Stir in two cups of checks,
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00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,836
sprinkle liberally
with balances."
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00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,131
"Ding, dong.
136
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,175
"The sounds of the Liberty Bell.
137
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"Ding... freedom.
138
00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:27,261
"Dong... opportunity.
139
00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,138
"Ding... excellent schools.
140
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,723
Dong... quality hospitals."
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00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:35,686
"When America was born
on that hot July day in 1776,
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00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:38,523
"the trees in Springfield forest
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00:06:38,606 --> 00:06:40,650
"were tiny saplings
trembling towards the sun.
144
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:43,403
"And as they were nourished
by mother Earth,
145
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:46,072
"so too did our fledgling nation
find strength
146
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:49,033
"in the simple ideals
of equality and justice.
147
00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,202
"Who would have thought
such mighty oaks
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00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:53,496
"or such a powerful nation
could grow
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00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:56,666
out of something
so fragile, so pure."
150
00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:58,126
Thank you.
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00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:02,213
What do you think?
152
00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:04,632
It's good. A little too good
for an eight-year-old.
153
00:07:04,715 --> 00:07:06,050
Methinks I detect
154
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,636
the sickly scent of the daddy.
155
00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,888
Mr. Simpson,
I'd like to ask you
156
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:13,057
a few questions
about your daughter's essay.
157
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,809
Lisa, will you excuse us?
158
00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:16,227
Okay.
159
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,603
"We the purple"?
160
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,188
What the hell was that?
161
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,481
Are you a professional writer?
162
00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,826
Are you interested
in politics or government?
163
00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:27,780
Are you interested in anything?
164
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,242
Could you touch
your nose for me?
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00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:37,623
Lisa, after meeting your father,
166
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:40,877
I've decided to award you
an additional five points.
167
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,172
Congratulations. You and your family
are going to Washington.
168
00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:46,674
Whoo-hoo!
Who would have guessed
169
00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:48,801
reading and writing
would pay off?
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00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:58,644
Yes, sir, can I
get you something?
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00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,980
Playing cards,
note pad, aspirin,
172
00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:02,815
sewing kit, pilot's wing pin,
173
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,151
propeller-shaped swizzle stick,
sleeping mask,
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00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:06,944
and anything else
I've got coming to me.
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00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,112
I'll see what I can do.
176
00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,989
Hmph.
177
00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:12,783
Hmph.
178
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,494
Steward!
179
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:17,413
Little boy, I bet you'd
like to visit the cockpit.
180
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,207
Ooh-ooh, baby!
181
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:22,752
And this control stick is like
the handlebars on your tricycle.
182
00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:25,129
Now, would you like to see
where we hang our coats?
183
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:26,893
No, thank you, I'd rather
push this button.
184
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:28,132
No!
185
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:32,178
We're all gonna die!
186
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:40,186
Look, Marge, that guy has
the same last name we do.
187
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:41,270
Taxi!
188
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,691
Ooh, look, Homer,
the I.R.S.
189
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,443
Boo!
190
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,445
Boo yourself.
191
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,489
Here we are, kids.
192
00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:52,990
The Watergate!
193
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:04,125
Hey!
194
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,547
Homer, look!
195
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:11,008
They give you a shower cap
and body gel
196
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,677
and bathrobes.
197
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,513
And a welcoming mint
on your pillow.
198
00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,640
Wow, a shoe horn.
199
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,308
Just like in the movies.
200
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:23,813
Shoe goes on, shoe goes off,
shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
201
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:26,107
Shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
202
00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,650
Hey, I call first bedsies.
203
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:30,069
Bart, there's no such thing
as first bedsies.
204
00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,612
You just made that up.
205
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,781
Well, okay, which one
do you want?
206
00:09:33,864 --> 00:09:36,075
I... want...
207
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:37,076
that one.
208
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,287
Really? You want
that one?
209
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:40,997
It's all yours.
Whatever you say.
210
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,540
Why? What's wrong with it?
211
00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:43,708
Nothing.
212
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:45,126
Have a good night's sleep, Lisa.
213
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:46,311
- No really. What?
- Nothing.
214
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:48,254
- What did you do to it?
- Nothing.
215
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,339
Mom!
216
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:55,303
D' Stupid welcoming mint!
217
00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:57,013
Hello?
218
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,557
Good morning,
this is your wake-up call.
219
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,059
Wake-up call?
It's 2:00 a.m.
220
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,437
Sorry, fatso.
221
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:08,524
Free food?
222
00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:12,153
Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley,
223
00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:15,197
Patriotism Editor
of Reading Digest.
224
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,407
Ooh, I love your magazine.
225
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,200
My favorite section is
226
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,411
"How to Increase
Your Word Power."
227
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:23,956
That things is really,
really, really... good.
228
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,583
Well good.
229
00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:28,586
Lisa, I'd like you to meet
some of the other finalists.
230
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:29,980
This is Trong Van Dinh
and Maria Dominguez.
231
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,547
- Hello.
- Hello.
232
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,633
Maria is the National
Spelling Bee Champion.
233
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,010
And Trong has won both
234
00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:37,553
the Westinghouse Talent Search,
235
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,598
and the N.F.L. Punt,
Pass and Kick Competition.
236
00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:43,225
Have either of you ever run
into any problems
237
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,602
because of your
superior ability?
238
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:46,187
Sure, I guess.
239
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,147
Me too.
240
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,734
These are special
V.I.P. badges.
241
00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,795
They'll get you into places
other tourists never see.
242
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,613
Miss, what does the "I"
stand for?
243
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,615
Important.
244
00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,450
Ooh... How about the "V"?
245
00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:00,701
Very.
246
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,620
And miss?
Just one more question.
247
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:05,164
Person.
248
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:06,567
What does the "I"
stand for again?
249
00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:15,424
"On this spot, Richard Nixon
bowled back-to-back 300 games."
250
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,301
Yeah, right.
251
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:20,930
Wow, the President's bathroom.
252
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,143
Do you mind?
253
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,145
Barbara Bush!
254
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,398
You have those damn badges.
255
00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:31,857
Okay.
256
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:35,027
This tub was installed
in 1894...
257
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:39,115
Money.
258
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,786
Hey, watch it, Chief.
259
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:47,540
Folks, we print more than
18 million bills a day.
260
00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:49,667
And in case you were wondering,
261
00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:51,919
no, we don't give out
free samples.
262
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:55,673
Lousy, cheap country.
263
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,349
Bart, get out of
the Spirit of St. Louis!
264
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,105
Hey, what's so funny?
265
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,692
Marge, grow up!
266
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:19,947
Congressman, this is
Springfield National Forest.
267
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:22,241
Now, basically, what we
want to do is cut her down.
268
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:24,618
As you can see in our artist's rendition,
269
00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,872
it's full of old growth,
just aging and festering away.
270
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:31,709
In comes our logging company
to thin out the clutter.
271
00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,472
It's all part of nature's,
you know, cycle.
272
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,963
Well, Jerry, you're
a whale of a lobbyist
273
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:38,046
and I'd like to give you
a logging permit, I would,
274
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,885
but, this isn't
like burying toxic waste.
275
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:43,304
People are gonna notice
those trees are gone.
276
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:46,891
Congressman, this is where
it gets awkward.
277
00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:50,102
I... I never quite know
how to put this.
278
00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:52,229
I just want to...
279
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:53,355
Offer me a bribe?
280
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,445
What is it?
281
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:01,447
It's that little girl
from Springfield
282
00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:03,407
who wrote the essay.
Could be a good photo-op.
283
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,117
Sure, fine.
284
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,702
So where do we...
285
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,579
Not here. I've got a
little place that I use
286
00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,706
for these, matters.
287
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,166
Call me tonight.
288
00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:14,919
Well, hi there.
You must be Lisa Simpson.
289
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,128
Hello, sir.
290
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,214
Lisa, you're a doer.
And who knows?
291
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:21,133
Maybe someday you'll be
a congressman or a senator.
292
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,977
We have quite a few
women senators, you know.
293
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,678
Only two. I checked.
294
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,639
You're a sharp one.
295
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:28,557
Well, how about a few pictures?
296
00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:33,646
Tot shot always plays
in the sticks.
297
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,524
Isn't that nice?
298
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:39,151
Now there is a politician
who cares.
299
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:41,195
If I ever vote,
it will be for him.
300
00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:48,452
Mom?
301
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:51,956
Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours.
302
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,541
I'm too excited to sleep.
303
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:55,751
Anyone up for the Winifred
Beecher Howe Memorial?
304
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,211
Who's that?
305
00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,963
An early crusader
for women's rights.
306
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:01,882
She led the Floor Mop
Rebellion of 1910.
307
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,968
Later she appeared on
the highly unpopular
308
00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:05,052
75-cent piece.
309
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,265
Okay, but you don't know
what you're missing.
310
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:18,399
"I will iron your sheets
when you iron out
311
00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:20,276
the inequities
in your labor laws."
312
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:21,610
Amen, sister.
313
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,613
I told you
no one ever came here.
314
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:28,826
So Bob, where do we
stand on Springfield Forest?
315
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:31,662
Do I get my logging permit?
316
00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:33,622
Let me put it this way, Jerry.
317
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,666
Timber!
318
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,630
Whoo!
What a pooch.
319
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,048
Woof-woof!
320
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,523
How could I read my essay now?
321
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,483
I don't believe my own words.
322
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,114
Honest Abe...
323
00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,365
He'll show me the way.
324
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:15,289
Mr. Lincoln...
325
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:16,874
Mr. Lincoln,
I need your advice.
326
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:19,084
What can I do to make this
a better country?
327
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:20,711
Is this a good time
to buy a house?
328
00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:22,463
I can't get my boy
to brush properly.
329
00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,006
Would I look good
with a moustache?
330
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:28,302
I tried using turpentine,
but that just made it worse.
331
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,306
Mr. Lincoln
332
00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:36,226
My name is Lisa Simpson,
and I have a problem!
333
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,482
Mr. Jefferson,
my name is Lisa Simpson
334
00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:43,442
and I have a problem.
335
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:44,777
I know your problem.
336
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:46,695
The Lincoln Memorial
was too crowded.
337
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,280
Sorry, sir, it's just...
338
00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,074
No one ever comes to see me.
339
00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:51,283
I don't blame them.
340
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:52,910
I never did anything important...
341
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:54,703
Just The Declaration
of Independence,
342
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,289
the Louisiana Purchase,
the dumbwaiter...
343
00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,708
Maybe I should be going.
I caught you at a bad time.
344
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:00,792
Wait!
345
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,169
Please don't go.
346
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:04,254
I get so lonely.
347
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:27,319
The truth must be told.
348
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,871
Rudy, my man,
you're a miracle worker.
349
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:38,998
Your laundry, sir.
350
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:41,792
There you go.
351
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,043
Buy yourself something nice.
352
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:44,253
Thank you!
353
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,879
Bart, are you ready to go to...
354
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,424
I'll room service you!
355
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:49,651
Before you kill me,
remember, this trip
356
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,510
is all expenses paid.
357
00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:57,016
♪ The deficit rag ♪
358
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,018
♪ Yeah,
the deficit rag ♪
359
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,562
♪ Those budget gaps can be
a 12-digit drag ♪
360
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:02,646
♪ I'm telling you ♪
361
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,231
♪ That's the deficit ♪
362
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,025
♪ They really made
a mess of it ♪
363
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,818
♪ That's the deficit rag ♪
364
00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:09,361
Thank you!
365
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,238
This guy is awful.
366
00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:12,641
I know, honey,
but just sit still.
367
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:17,578
Welcome, everyone,
to the awards luncheon.
368
00:17:17,661 --> 00:17:20,205
I'd like to introduce
our distinguished judges
369
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,666
who will select
our scholarship winner.
370
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:26,003
Former Redskins great,
Alonzo Flowers,
371
00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:29,006
perennial third party candidate,
Wilson DeFarge,
372
00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:31,258
senate page Brad Fletcher,
373
00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,094
skin care consultant Rowena,
374
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:37,389
and wealthy gadabout
Chilton Gaines.
375
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:40,851
Our first essayist
will be Lisa Simpson.
376
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,311
Lisa?
377
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,229
Lisa?
378
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,026
There she is.
379
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:51,987
Lisa Simpson will now read
her essay...
380
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:55,032
I would like to read
a different essay, if I may?
381
00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:57,242
Um... okay.
382
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,080
The city of Washington was built
383
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:04,083
on a stagnant swamp
some 200 years ago,
384
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,835
and very little has changed.
385
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,713
It stank then and it stinks now.
386
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:12,841
Only today, it is
the fetid stench of corruption
387
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,635
that hangs in the air.
388
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:16,637
Cool! A ruckus.
389
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:20,641
And who did I see
390
00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,142
taking a bribe
391
00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,561
but the "honorable" Bob Arnold.
392
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,231
But don't worry, Congressman.
393
00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:29,900
I'm sure you can buy
all the votes you need
394
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,401
with your dirty money
395
00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:35,239
and this will be one nation
under the dollar
396
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:38,659
with liberty
and justice for none.
397
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:45,833
Senator, there's a problem at
the essay contest.
398
00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:47,709
Please, son, I'm very busy.
399
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:50,712
A little girl is
losing faith in democracy.
400
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:51,796
Good Lord!
401
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:58,804
Congressman,
we want to drill for oil
402
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,514
in Teddy Roosevelt's head.
403
00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:02,349
Well...
404
00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:04,059
Teddy who?
405
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,645
Congressman...
406
00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:08,564
you're under arrest.
407
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,277
You work fast.
408
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,112
I work for Uncle Sam.
409
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:21,785
We will now vote
on the House Bill 1022...
410
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:23,996
The expulsion of Bob Arnold.
411
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:26,331
Mr. Speaker,
I'm all for the bill, but...
412
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:29,168
shouldn't we tack on
a pay raise for ourselves?
413
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,294
No!
414
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,342
Okay, this should make
my bosses very happy.
415
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:38,426
Your bosses?
416
00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:42,264
Yep. All 250 million of them.
417
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:48,020
When my family arrived
in this country four months ago
418
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:51,064
we spoke no English and had
no money in our pockets.
419
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:55,068
Today, we own a nationwide chain
of wheel-balancing centers.
420
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,155
Where else but in America...
Or possibly Canada...
421
00:19:58,238 --> 00:20:00,657
Could our family find
such opportunity?
422
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:04,161
That's why whenever I see
the stars and stripes,
423
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:08,332
I'll always be reminded of
that wonderful word, "flag."
424
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,126
There will be a brief recess
425
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,712
while the judges tabulate
their votes.
426
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:16,673
Lisa, what's gotten into you?
427
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,176
Yeah, your other speech was
a little more crowd pleasing.
428
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:20,969
I'm sorry, Dad.
429
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,014
I couldn't think of a nice way
to say America stinks.
430
00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:27,309
Extra! Extra!
Feds nab rotten rep!
431
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:29,186
Give me one of those.
432
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:31,188
"Imprisoned congressman
433
00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:33,315
becomes
born-again Christian."
434
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:34,524
I can't believe it.
435
00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:37,194
The system works.
436
00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:38,820
♪ The trading gap shuffle ♪
437
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,822
♪ We're in
a heap of trouble ♪
438
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,033
♪ Doing the trading gap
shuffle, yes, sir ♪
439
00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:44,409
He already sang this song.
440
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,578
No, that was about
the budget gap.
441
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,205
This is the trading gap.
442
00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:52,042
And now the moment of truth.
443
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:53,585
Will the winning essay be
444
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:56,630
"Bubble On, Melting Pot,"
445
00:20:56,713 --> 00:20:59,633
"Lift High Your Lamp,
Green Lady,"
446
00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:02,886
"U.S.A. A-Okay,"
447
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:05,389
or "Cesspool on the Potomac"?
448
00:21:05,472 --> 00:21:06,640
Cesspool! Cesspool!
449
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:08,433
Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!
450
00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,811
And now the winner is...
451
00:21:10,894 --> 00:21:12,396
"U.S.A. A-Okay"
452
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,231
by Trong Van Dinh.
453
00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:15,314
D'
454
00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:21,029
Miss Crowley, thank you
455
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:22,990
for this oversized
novelty check.
456
00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:25,284
I would like to share this honor
457
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,327
with all of my fellow essayists,
458
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:29,246
particularly
the courageous Lisa Simpson
459
00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:31,290
whose inflammatory
rhetoric reminded us
460
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:34,835
that the price of freedom
is eternal vigilance.
461
00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:35,919
Give her the check!
462
00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:40,090
I was serious.
463
00:21:40,173 --> 00:21:42,801
♪ Say, let me tell you
about Lisa S. ♪
464
00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:46,638
♪ She's that little
8-year-old muckrakeress ♪
465
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,283
♪ She caught a crook
and really made him pay ♪
466
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,183
♪ She did it all
in just one day ♪
467
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:53,145
♪ That's what I would call
being on the ball! ♪
468
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:55,689
Bart!
469
00:21:55,772 --> 00:21:58,859
Lis, you taught me to stand up
for what I believe in.
470
00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:05,615
♪♪
471
00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:49,950
Shh!
472
00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:56,124
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.
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