All language subtitles for The Big Wedding.2013.BDRemux.1080p-rado

There's an old expression that marriage
is like a phone call in the night.

First comes the ring,
and then you wake up.

My wife Ellie and I were married
for twenty years before we woke up.

Or fell asleep.

Or whichever it was
that ultimately led to our divorce.

But we never stopped loving each other.

How could we,
after three beautiful children?

Jared, Lyla,
and our adopted son, Alejandro.

We had built a home,
and a history,

and a family together,
and that stuff just doesn't evaporate

with the stroke of a pen
and some lawyer's fees.

At least I hope it doesn't.

Hello?

Oh well.

Yep.

Look at them.

I mean, you can't be serious.

I mean, it's really
that gargantuan a deal?

It's blasphemy.

Which do you think came first?

The Catholic Church, or cunnilingus?

Please do not use that language.

What do you mean?
You can't say Catholic Church?

No. The other thing.

Hercules, be quiet.

What do I use in its place?

You know, when it comes up
in conversation.

Well, that is the point.

It's not supposed to come up
in conversation. Especially...

- How about chowing box?
- Stop it, Donald.

- Muff diving?
- Stop. You're so bad.

- Poon job?
- Poon job!

Oh, Donny!

Oh my...

Cunnilingus.

You are such a slut.

Lucky girl.

Sorry. Oh my god!

Eleanor?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh my God. I don't really,
I'm so terribly sorry.

He told me that nobody was here.

And I don't know why he did.
The key was over there...

My Goodness. Ellie?

- Hi, Bebe.
- Hi.

You look...

Thanks.

Gosh, it's been such a long time.
It's great to see you.

I hardly recognize you.

I mean, you look so...

- So?
- So... So...

- Unexpected.
- Unexpected.

Hey, there's Donald.

Ellie. You look like
a summer's day.

Yay. What else is new?

Yeah. Thanks.

How long's it been?

Oh, ten years.

Impossible.

- You're not, I'm...
- Oh no, that's okay.

- A little blue helper.
- Yes. Right.

What goes up
doesn't always come down.

Like a blue thing, like that.

Six thirty.

Well, that's fine.

I just took a little stroll
through the village,

and it's just so amazing
how little things have changed.

Oh God.

I'm gonna round up some sheets.

At your service, Madame.

- Thank you.
- Right this way.

The Embroidery Room?

Oh your old office.

I don't go in there.

She's got you on the wagon?

I ain't had a steak
or a drink in three years.

I can't sculpt worth a fart,
but they give me

a lollipop every time
I leave the cardiologist.

Where are the kids?

Jared's at work, and Hal's
enjoying Pre-Cana with Missy.

You mean the Catholic thing
with the priest?

Yeah, you know the O'Connors.

Matrimony is God's
greatest gift to his children.

To be sanctified, nurtured and
protected against the seeds of dissent,

we're told too often
lead to the chasms of discord,

which too often many
of today's unions are unable to recover.

It all too often leads to divorce,
which is a sin in the eyes of God.

But no pressure.

Melissa, how long have you
and this young man been courting?

Just over a year.

But we've known
each other since middle school.

Alejandro, is it?

You do speak English, don't you?

No. No, actually, I don't.

Oh I see.

He just graduated from Harvard.

Him and half of China.

He also speaks five languages,
English being very much one of them.

Really?

So, tell me this, Alejandro.

Have you been successful thus far
at being intimate with young Mellissa?

Excuse me, sir?

Father Monaghan's just fine, son.

What I'm asking is,
is Miss O'Connor's virginity still intact?

See.

And did we partake of birth control?

Of course.

Of course.

Relationships between
consenting adults shall remain privately

betwixt themselves
and The Church, of course.

I guess we're going to Hell, then.

In God's good time, my son.

I'm kidding.
So tell me, young man.

I know your adoptive parents Don and Ellie
are other than Catholic.

Yeah. My mom is Je-Buddhist.

That's Jewish slash Buddhist.

And my father thinks
that organized religion is...

She works for a bishop in Columbia.

Good for her.

And we're very excited
because we just found out

that she's coming to the wedding.

- She is.
- Oh, wonderful.

- Oh, God.
- Yes?

What?

Sorry. Nothing.

I'm assuming that your mother
be very encouraging

of her grandchildren
being raised in The Church.

And just let have them decide.

Hell it is then.

Hi.

Is Jared in?

- Are you a patient?
- Sister.

Right.

- Hi, I'm Jane.
- Hi.

He's in a delivery, so you can
wait over in the Daddy's Room

and I'll let him know
that you're here.

Okay.

Hello.

Are you freaking kidding me?

We're in a hospital.

Right. Sorry.

Just practicing.

I don't even smoke.
I quit a month ago.

It's a girl.

Oh my God.

I gotta call you back.

Is she...

They're both doing just fine.
Would you like to meet her?

There you are.

Am I dead?

Sorry.

Jared will be in in a sec.

My hero.

He's a sweetie, huh?

I hope this isn't too
inappropriate to ask, but...

Is it true that he's never really had...

It's true.

Okay. What kind of a doily
passes out in the Daddy's Room?

I hope you feel better.

Thank you.

Doctor.

Thank you.

She's perky.

Who, Jane?
Yeah, she's great.

She's screaming
for a shot at the title.

Nice.

What could possibly
be wrong with her?

I'm so over this whole fresh face,

Ivy League preppie,
bouncy, ponytaily type.

Don't you have to be under one first?

Good one.

She knows by the way.

Yeah. A bunch of us went out for
too many margaritas last month.

Now they have, like,
an un-virgin pool going.

What?

A bevy of hot nurses are
conspiring to bang your brains out?

You should press charges.

No, not my brother.
He's gotta wait for love.

Yeah, well...

It seemed like a really noble idea
when I was fifteen.

Anyway, I'm starting to waver.

Shut up.

No, I'm gonna be thirty soon.

But then that would mean that
I've wasted the last fifteen plus years.

You're fine.

Well, call what's
her name back in here.

Come on. you can use my bed.
I'll wait in the hall.

I can laugh really quietly.

Or I could just put you back
in there with the babies.

No.

You okay?

I want you to, hold up.

Look right at me.

Right at my nose.

Yeah, you might have a concussion.

How will I know?

Headaches, vomiting.

And I haven't even seen dad yet.

Hey. Where's Andrew?

I don't know.
Can we bookmark it?

I want to keep the whole Lyla's desiccating
her life lectures down to one a day.

can't wait.

See you, Jared.

Neither can they.

Look at Jared.

Lyla.

Oh look how tiny Alejandro was.

One of the workers almost painted
over that while we were redecorating.

I had my knitting needle to his throat
when Donald pulled me off of him.

Yeah. And now they're all grown.

You were so wonderful to them.

Well, they're not officially
my kids, but you know.

God, you look stunning.

Cut the crap, Bebes.
I look a decade older and so do you.

Said the one of us
not wearing control tops.

Wait until you see Muffin.
Oh my God.

Heard she had work done.

Really, like,
somebody said it was scary.

Well, let's just say most of her face
is now behind her ears.

And she's completely mental.

She's driving me crazy
about the details of the wedding,

which is ironic because
we're hosting it here.

And I'm catering it.
Organic, of course.

Oh God, I was just
so terrified to see you.

Oh don't be. I mean, look,
it was a long time ago. So...

Well, now that you're here,
I realize how much I missed you.

Hey, I want to say something.

- This house?
- Yeah?

It looks absolutely incredible.

When were you two married, anyway?

We weren't.

I don't need a ring.

I mean, maybe I'd like
to have a ring some time, but...

You should tell him.

He knows. He knows.

Doesn't exactly back stroke through
the deep end of the sensitivity pool.

Hey. Look at you two.

Haven't seen this much tail around
here since the last poochie died.

Oh well.

- Welcome to the jungle.
- I truly loathe this place.

Oh is that because you've hooked up
with, like, half the staff?

It was high school.
Hand jobs don't count.

Oh, thank God.

Hi.

Look at you.
You look gorgeous.

Oh so do you.
My God, your hair, I love it.

- Thanks.
- I'm so glad you're here.

- So glad I'm here.
- Sister.

- Immigrant.
- Ambulance chaser.

Partner.

Hey, good for you.

Where's Andrew?

Oh my God.

- Are you okay?
- I gotta sit down.

Come. Come.

Is she drunk already?

Mild concussion.

This should be fun.

It's, like, as soon as we got engaged,

it suddenly dawned on them
that he's not Caucasian.

Wait, you're not Caucasian?

Not at the moment.

Well, that's upsetting.

They're, like, putting on
this whole dinner theatre,

PC act, pretending to be really cool,

but really they're freaking out that
they're gonna have beige grandkids.

Isn't that a little hypocritical,

considering your father's
being investigated for...

Here's my little princess.

Darling. Wisp.

You wisp.

Sweetheart,
you know the Corns.

Hi. Good to see you.

And this is her friend Alejandro.

Al is fine.

Good. Al.

Well, hello Lyla.

Muffin.

How's Chicago?

Crawling with Spies and Jews.

Mazeltov.

I've been shaking,
I mean, it's been so long.

What the hell am I gonna say to her?

Don, you're gonna do fine.

Need a drink.

Babe, hey.

Thanks, babe.

- There she is.
- Okay.

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you?

Donald.

You look breathtaking.

You've packed on a few.

You know, only in the good spots.

Do you, well, is it okay if I...

Actually, I'm just,
I'm not feeling so hot right now.

Oh, hey. I miss you so much.

I really wish we could spend
some time, you know, just the three...

Dad!

Oh my god. Is she...

You alright?

Oh my God.

Okay. So much better.

So give us the lowdown.

Rehearsal dinner tomorrow.

Saturday wedding at the house.
And where are we going on our honeymoon?

Vietnam and Cambodia.

Yeah. We suggested Venice
but we don't count.

Because it's safer.

But also, of course, because
Venice is Alejandro's native language.

- Your name is Muffin.
- Yes.

Love Cambodia.

And it's perfectly safe.

I know, because I lived
there for three months.

Mom found herself in Asia.

What?

That's absurd.

What'd I miss?

Don't you know tantra?

You had a nine hour orgasm once?

Seriously?

That's gross.

A little self exploration
wouldn't kill you, young man.

Or maybe a little less
self-exploration, in your case.

Right, virgy?

- So it's on.
- Oh yeah.

One nothing.

Nine hours?

Okay.

Doesn't that hurt?

Wait a second. Lyla.

Why isn't Andrew here?

Trouble in paradise?

You're a peach.

And they're all tied up.

Okay, I don't understand.
What's he talking about?

Andrew's moved out.

He's moved out?

Is he fooling around?
Because I'll tweeze his balls off.

Yeah, because karmically
that would make a ton of sense.

What happened?

We can talk about this later.

Nah. You know what?

As long as it's come up,
let's just get it over with.

Because I'm sure Barry and Muffin
here are dying to hear all about...

the tests, and the injections,

No, we really don't.

We were fighting.
All the time.

And it just got really hard,
and he couldn't take it.

And I knew that, so I cut him loose
before he did it to me.

Amen. So...

Who do you have to lynch
for a cosmo around here?

I don't get it.

She can't have children.

Okay, could you please
excuse me, just...

- No, Don. I don't think it's a good idea.
- No. I've got it. I've got it.

Before you end it all, you should know
they filled in the kiddy pond last summer.

So?

Let's just say, the grown up pool
is a few degrees warmer this year.

Where are you?

Right behind you.
Same place I've always been.

Is it okay if I...

Yeah. Thought you were
afraid of heights.

The heights are fine.
It's the lows I'm not loving.

How's it coming?

Spectacular.
I'll get there well before Christmas.

I know we're supposed to do this whole
father daughter coumbiya and a stick thing,

but it just doesn't work that way.

- I'm gonna sit down.
- Okay.

Know.

Mom wasn't the only one
you cheated on.

Know.

I still don't know how Bebe sleeps at night
in a house you and mom built together.

And the decent thing would have been
to just sell it, or burn the place down.

I'm sorry.

For what?

That things rarely turn out
the way we want them to.

Yeah.

Listen, honey.
You know, this thing with Andrew...

Don!

Want my cosmo?

Down to my toenails.
No, thanks.

Mother pisser.

My God, you must be so excited.

It's been what, like four years
since you've seen them?

Here sweetie, have some vegetables.

I'm kind of nervous, actually.

Yeah. What?
You don't have to be. Why?

Well, because my sister's
never even left Columbia.

That's plenty.

Really? Is she as traditional
as your mother?

I think so.
She's extremely shy. So...

Well, listen to me.

We are going to make them feel
as welcome and as home as we possibly can.

Did you know that I have
to promise to raise our kids Catholic

or the priest won't even
perform the ceremony?

Oh, come on.
That's very fourteenth century of him.

Just, listen to me.
Cross your fingers behind your back,

and just say hallelujah, Jesus.

You, that's what Missy keeps saying.

But it's the principle
of the whole thing, isn't it?

No, it's not. It's marriage.

One compromise down,
2.999 million to go.

I have something
that I need to ask you, please.

Anything.

It's just, it's...

It's kind of a big one.

High seat.

Don? Oh my God!

Do you know what
your son just told me?

Oh my God. You know how the Catholics
have this thing about divorce?

Well, it turns out that Madonna is
under some sort of ridiculous impression

that divorce is a great big, fat sin.

Who's Madonna?

Al's biological mother!
What are you, nuts?

I'm not listening.

And she's also
under the impression that of...

you and I are not among them.

Don? Can you even hear
what I'm saying?

Not remotely.

We're not divorced!

Got it?

For the next three days,
you and I are husband and wife.

- What?
- Yes!

Shit!

Oh! Oh God!

Feel terrible.

They're just letting anyone
into Harvard these days, huh?

And you never told her
about them because...

I mean, there was no way
she was ever gonna come here.

And it didn't even occur
to me until that Pre-Cana.

Well, wait a minute.

What would happen
if she knew the truth?

You told me what she put you
through during the adoption.

She gave up her only son so that I could
have a chance at a better life.

And now she left Columbia, which she
swore she would never do.

On an airplane
which she's petrified of,

only to find out that I've been lying
to her about being raised by heathens...

for the past fifteen years.

No offense.

None taken.

It'd break her poor little heart.

Why don't we just fake it
for a couple days? No big deal.

And what makes either of
you think you could pull this off?

Sweetie, there's just one
little part that I'm stuck on.

If those two are still married
then what does that make me?

My concubine?

I may gotten there yet.

See.

More tea, anyone?

I thought my life was a shit storm.

Feel awful.

Then what the hell
are you waiting for?

This is gonna go great.

Before we start shitting kittens,

why don't we just sit the old gal
down and lay it all out for her?

You and I are divorced.

It's not like we moved
the fucking petting zoo or something.

A very different country.
And her values aren't the same as ours.

So just pretend to be married
for the weekend. What's the big deal?

Where would you like me to start?

All right, listen.

You were no Mardi Gras, toots.

What did you call me?

Let's get that straight. Ho, ho.

That is an expression.
It's an expression.

Of endearment.
So don't get all Jane Fonda about it.

Well, you know the Tibetans
have a wonderful expression

for moments like these as well.

Yeah?

Loosely translated it means...

Go fuck a yak, Don!

That's the moment.
I finally feel home.

So...

She's leaving.

She won't listen to me.

She's not going anywhere.

Honey, this is all very dramatic.

- Can't we just...
- Put a sock in it, Donald.

Let's...
Let me help you with this.

Let's go in the kitchen, let's have
some tea and let's talk this over.

- You hate my tea.
- I love your tea.

- Really.
- Okay, okay.

I do hate your tea.

But the rest of you
is pure perfection.

- Honey, please. Look...
- Just take the suitcase.

Bebe?

Jesus.

I'll call Holly and have her
oversee the catering.

I promise, we can figure this out.

This weekend should be about
you and Missy, and your happiness.

And if my presence means
that that doesn't happen...

Bebe, you're a big part
of that happiness.

- I'll just tell her.
- No. Because everytime...

You look back on your wedding day,
it's gonna be with pain and regret.

And I can't allow that to happen.

I love you, sweetie.

Ciao, baby.

Just consider
this my wedding present, okay?

Oh God, help your father
before he blows his bypass.

No help. I got it.

That's it.

You be brave, and elegant.

Okay? Don't take shit
from any of the old people.

Bebe.

Bebe!

Please, you don't have to do this.

Oh pish tosh.

I'm gonna go to the Plaza,
use Donald's platinum card.

Listen.
Look, I need you this weekend.

I can't get through
this without you. I can't...

Back off, Donald.
You're already on thin ice.

What the hell did I do?

It's not what you did.

Okay, what didn't I do?

Why don't you ask your wife?
Maybe she'll explain it to you.

Bebe.

My fault.

My fault!

Un-fucking-believable.

Piece of wedding advice, kid,
stay single as long as you can.

Will do.

Trust me.

As long as you possibly can.

Hey, I'm sorry, but may
I just say something here?

The Woman that you supposedly
love is devastated,

and all you've got, Don,
is stay single.

It was a joke.

Oh, right, I forgot,
you haven't laughed since the Sixties.

Yeah, not since I married you.

Yeah, well,
promise to never do that again.

Oh, believe me,
not in a million years.

Well, but let's not bring
your mother into this.

Guys.

Ki-yai!

You just punched me in the face!
What are you doing?

I earned my green belt,

and you talk shit about my mother
again, I swear, Don...

- Guys!
- What?

I thought she wasn't
coming until tomorrow.

That was yesterday.

- For god's sake.
- Mama.

You just punched me
in the fucking face.

What are you doing?

Oh. Then why don't you just...
Hold my hand.

Mama, these are Don and Ellie Griffin.

Si.

Thank you for inviting me.

Thank you for inviting me to your home.

I pray that Alejandro and Melissa
are as wonderful together as you.

I pray that Alejandro and Melissa
are as wonderful together as you.

Gracias. Gracias.

Don and Ellie...

Bienvenito.

Bienvenito, mi casa, whatever.
Just whatever.

And, no, I've got it.
I've got it, honey.

We're very happy to meet you.

Oh, dear.

Thank you. Welcome.

Why is his nose bleeding?

She wants to know
why your nose is bleeding.

Oh, this.

Well, it's...
No English, right?

Because my wife is one of the great
cunts of the nineteenth century.

Yeah. There you go.

Buenos dias.

Oh, mama.

Mama. Here we go.

Hi. Hello.

This, this is my sister Lyla.

And this is Jared.

Hola.

The lawyer and the doctor.

The lawyer and the doctor.

My son is lucky
to have such role models.

She said my son
is lucky to have such role models.

We're your role models.

- That's a mistranslation.
- No, it's not.

Yes, it is. Yes.
This is Nuria.

Hi.

Hey. Really nice to meet you.

Oh. You see, it's not...

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry.

It's not really, we're in between
interior decorators. So...

And oh my goodness,
I have such wonderful taste.

Don, darling.

I think it would be a wonderful idea
if you showed her your studio, dear.

No, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Hey, you know,
I think that's a really good idea.

There you go.

Thank you, sweetie.

Right this way.

That's a commission.

Birthday present
for some fat cat's wife.

It's...

Sucks being sober.

You like?

Es bueno, no?

That's weird
that Al's got a sister, right?

Yeah. And a mother.

Are you jealous?

Don't be ridiculous.

I mean, it's just,
I never thought I'd actually meet her.

You really think
you and dad can pull this off?

We're adults.

Since when?

Oh, no. How many pictures
can one woman have?

Oh my God.

That is so not okay.
Oh, no, no.

Amor.

Alejandro?

Looks just like him, right?

Y Melissa.

Yeah, if I ever finish.

Do you know them well?

It's... I don't understand.

She asked if you know Missy well.

Oh, si, si. Since...

Her parents are friends of ours.

Her parents are friends of ours.

Do you think they love...?

Do you think that Missy and I love each
other enough to have happiness forever?

Si.

Serpent.

She thinks you are a serpent.

Well, flattery will get you everywhere.

It's a symbol of duality...

Oh it's a symbol of duality,
the struggle between spirit and matter.

I know she's not saying
something good about me.

Perverse thrill of a man...

Perverse thrill of a man competing
with the purity of artistic expression.

So, she's calling me a pervert.

- Essentially.
- Yeah.

I think it was a compliment.

How refreshing.

- Por favor.
- Si.

Let's meet the priest.

Now she would like
to meet Father Monaghan.

Really?

Well. It is possible
his hangover's worn off by now.

You have no new messages
in your mailbox. Please...

We've had shark problems in the past.

Freshwater sharks?

Touche. May I?

So, it must have been
wonderful to grow up here.

Yeah. Yeah, some of us
are still working on it.

You went to Harvard with Alejandro?

Did. Yeah.

In that I just drove him there.

But I think
I definitely would have enrolled...

had I not got my parents' DNA.

You.

You are funny.

Thank you. And you're...

You are...

We are permitted to swimming?

Why?

No, I mean, yeah. Totally.
Let's, my sister...

I got a ton of swimsuits in her room.
Let me grab one, I'll be one sec.

Holy shit.

What?
Holy shit!

Are you coming?

Yeah.

I should probably just... yeah.

So, bathing suits, it's not really
that big a deal in Columbia, huh?

Well, I am only here for a few days,

and I would like to see
as much of America as I can.

Ah, that's fair.

Since we're seeing so much of you.

You will show me around?

Yeah. I can, I can,
wouldn't be, you know, yeah,

I got the rehearsal dinner
tonight, but then I could...

And you will make love to me also?

Well...

Just so we're clear,
you're from the will.

Bebe's been trying
to rope him in here for years.

Anyone comes at me
with a ring or a crown,

or any other legally binding bullshit,
I take out their kneecaps. That's it.

A crown?

I will, right after the pigs
fly out of my ass, sweetie.

That's a nice image.

Well, what the...
Good morning, Father.

Oh I thought my eyes deceived me,
but my ears bespoke the truth.

There are Griffins
in my humble church.

Bill. How goes the war?

If only the wheels
didn't squeak so perniciously.

Padre and I did AA together. Twice.

No, three times.
And third time's the charm.

Father, I would like you
to meet my biological mother.

Madonna Sotto.

It's a great privilege
to meet you, madam.

I'm sorry but my Latin's a bit rusty.

Don't tell me the father
doesn't know Latin.

I would like to give confession.

My mother would like
to give confession.

Right.

Si. Todos.

My mother would like
all of us to give confession.

- Nope. No, no.
- Hey, like hell I will.

Guess what? No.

Forgive me Father,
for this is bullshit.

Don, it's a lovely gesture
to make your guest.

How's sobriety working for you?

Sucks a dick.
You know that. Shit.

It's wonderful to see you and Don
here together again.

Oh, yeah.
We got remarried this morning.

You're kidding.

Can you keep a secret?

It's confession.

Vulgars, they don't have patience.
They shout...

I thought you were against
organized religion.

Well, after this weekend
I may need all the help I can get.

Go on, my son.

That you're deceiving them
is to protect their happiness?

Well, that depends.

Are you disrupting the lives of
anyone else by enacting your deception?

That's my fault,
my serious fault.

Before God.

What's a ring gonna prove after
eight years of love and companionship?

I mean, she's my girl.
What else does she want from me?

Oscar Wilde once said that marriage is
a triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Oscar Wilde?

Oscar Wilde used to make
whoopsie with altar boys.

That's true.
Forget what I just said.

This place, I miss it.

It's like...

It's like home.

It's so strange.

Does that frighten you?

Well, I mean,
obviously that part of my life is over,

and I do think that
that's a good thing.

Well, there's different kinds of love.

- There are?
- Yeah.

You know,
just because you're divorced

doesn't mean
you're legally required to hate him.

You know, you're not
as dumb as Don says you are.

Thank you.

I'm outta here.

Nice chatting with you.

Bullshit.

Griffin...

Table for fifteen.

Actually, the O'Connors requested
a private table on the Rose Terrace.

Outside?

Isn't it supposed to rain?

That was communicated to them, yes.

Right this way.

Barry, what's with the al fresco?
It's gonna piss all over us.

No, it's fine.

We just thought
it would be more private.

She insisted.

What was the expression you used, mom?

Barry O'Connor.
It's very very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
This is my wife, Muffin.

We're delighted
to make your acquaintance.

And of course
our daughter, Melissa.

Hi.

Mama?

It's okay.

What the fuck did she just say?

Shh. Please.

I don't know what she's saying.

Son?

You have my blessing.

All right.

Come sit.

Yeah. You know
basically, place to put...

Hey, Don. Where's Bebe?

We were supposed to call
for the coup d'etat presentation together.

Well, her, her aunt just passed,
so she had to go back to Poughkeepsie.

Nuria!

But her aunt's dead.

That's what I said.

Mama, mama, please, please...

God knows
I hate a boring dinner.

Everybody have enough ice water?

Good evening, and welcome
to Weeblewog Country Club.

My name is Yvette.

And I will be
your captain this evening.

Bebe?

Tonight our soup is a lobster bisque,

flavored with twice
the recommended daily dose of sodium.

We also have a filet mignon,
not organic,

stuffed with bleu cheese, sour cream...

bacon and a defibrillator.

I'll have the filet mignon.

Don't think so.

Our guests really aren't used
to American food...

Do you think that Chef Claude could
whip up some chimichangi thingy?

No. Stop it.

No, you said it fine.

Just fine.

Are you okay?

Just fucking with him.

No, mama.

What's the rumpus?

She was wondering
why the wedding is...

is being held at our house,
and not at the Connors'.

Well, we thought
we'd shake it up a little.

Besides, our house...

He has to plead poverty because
he's being investigated for stock fraud.

A little more complicated
than that, I think.

But we still have money. We do.

- Really.
- Okay.

It's just...

It's overseas for the time being.

That's enough!

I'm gonna check on the soup.

That I have ever seen.
You built it yourselves, yes?

We did, actually.

Tell her the story.

Yeah, it's pretty romantic.

It is romantic.

Tell her. Tell the story.

Don and I, we were living
in the city separately.

She wouldn't shack up with me
because we weren't in matrimony.

So Don's latest exhibition
had sold out completely.

Do well.

Do, well, awash in humility.
As always.

One of the many things
she loves about me.

Can we please just skip
to the happy ending?

So Don and I, we decided
we'd take a drive to the country,

It was sunset.
Do you remember that, Don?

Sweet. And we came across
this gorgeous pond.

And he proposed to me
as the sun kind of went down.

I was sneaking out here on Saturday

while she was spending time
with her folks, and...

Yeah, but I know what you were up to.

Believe me,
I knew what you were up to.

- Oh, you?
- I did.

- You didn't have a clue.
- What are you talking about?

- You were clueless.
- He spent three months...

searching the entire New England
countryside for the most beautiful spot,

and when he found it,
he took her back there.

And then when he proposed...

He planted...

And then they built a house over
the years under the shade of the tree,

and added on to it every time
Don sold another sculpture, until...

You are really lucky
to find a man like that.

You are really lucky
to find a man like that.

Oh yes, of course.
I'm just, I'm terribly lucky.

Thank you.

Yvette?

Will you please excuse me, just for...

Jared!

- May I please speak with you?
- Yeah, sure.

You know what?

Nuria, dear. Please. Yes.

Please. May I take you to
the restroom, please? The ladies.

Where we can
wash your beautiful hands.

Well.

Here's to a wonderful dinner.

And a really neat wedding.

Indeed.

Cheers.

Madonna...

How is your bisque?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Oh my God.

So, the thing to remember
is that men are like pumpkins,

the good ones are either taken

or they've had everything
scraped out of their heads with a spoon.

What's happened?

What's happening in here?

Well, well, Nuria and I have become
very close friends. Yes.

She was just explaining to me.

Really?

Wish I had been adopted.

Can we please just elope now?

Seems like a lesser
of two evils at this point.

Really? Because I'm pretty sure
Vegas is just back that way.

I'm pretty sure that you
wouldn't survive the trip.

What the hell
is going on with your family?

My kingdom, my kingdom,
my kingdom for a steakhouse.

What a bust that was.

What are you grinning at?

Oh it's just women's lib.

Well, yeah, we'll take a steam
when we get back to the house.

Wait a minute, you have
a steam in the guest room?

Nope.
The master bedroom.

Whatever you say.

You have no new messages
in your mailbox.

It's like I ceased to exist.

What's that, Lyla?

No text, no calls. Nothing.

Los hombres.

I know, right?

No offense, Lyla, but honestly.

Really, you did leave him.

Yeah, he doesn't have
to make it so easy for me.

You think he'll show up
at the wedding?

He does,
I'll tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Language.

He said terrible things to me.

- Punch him in the nose?
- Of course not.

Because that would be unladylike.

Oh, what's that for?

You miss him.

Don't know.

That's what I thought.
Look, just give him a call.

Can't.

So, I was thinking we could maybe,

go to my room, listen to
some music, or you know...

Whatever.

No, thank you.

But you may read me
some poetry, if you wish.

Poetry?

Yes.

Are you serious?

Yes. Your mother was very informative.

I deserve to be treated with respect.

Don't we all.

Say it louder.

I'm an idiot.

I'm a galactic idiot.
My idiocracy knows no bounds.

You won't tell a tiny white lie
to a priest that you'll never see again,

but make a complete farce
of our wedding?

- That's no problem.
- I know.

Feel so bad for Bebe.

You know how many months
she and my mom have been planning this.

Know. I know. I'm an idiot.

I did talk with
Father Monaghan, though.

For reals?

I promised that little
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John

would grow up ravenous
for the sweet baby Jesus.

Did you?

May have had crossies when I said it...

Thank you.

You really truly love me.

I do.

Yeah, you do.

And we'll fix all your stuff.

What's it worth to you?

It's too bad
I'm saving myself for marriage.

See you tomorrow.

I'm busy tomorrow.

All I hear is blah, blah, blah.

So, you know, call her again.

I tried, but she had
the front desk lock me out.

Tell me again how this is my fault.

Don.

Now, where'd you dig that up?

Oh my God,
I can't believe how tiny he was.

Sometimes I wonder
if we did the right thing.

Ellie, for two people
who did a lot of things wrong,

adopting Al wasn't one of them.

Yeah, he's the kindest of us all.

We didn't do that many things
that were wrong, did we?

Everybody's happy now.

Well...

- Right?
- Yeah, right.

Kids are great.
You're having nine hour orgasms.

Please. No, no, no,
just, yeah, well, give or take.

I'm intrigued.

Yeah, I'm stunned.

Prove it.

You wish.

For old time's sake.

Oh my God. Okay.

You know what, I think
the coast must be clear by now.

Good to see you, Ell.

I think you said that already.

What the hell?

What are you doing?

Shoot. Wake the whole county
for God's sake.

I have been reading sonnets.
Out loud.

Oh that's very romantic.
So romantic for you, dear. What?

I am twenty-nine years old,
and I've finally, I mean, I...

What?

Okay, I can't believe I'm being
cock blocked by my own mother.

Should expect from a man before she
just jumps into bed with him. All right?

Yeah, I know.
Don't you think it's kind of hard to...

What?

Send her flowers every day for a year
when she goes back to Columbia on Monday?

C'est la guerre.

Oh, good...
So sorry.

My goodness. Well, anyway,
good night, sweetheart.

- Sweet dreams, of course.
- Yeah.

You suck.

Buenos noches.

Buenos noches.

Noches.

Oh back so soon?

Oh yeah. The temptation was
more than I could stand.

Oh yeah.

Now you're talking.

Be gentle.

Or don't.

Good night.

Good night? Says you.

Oh please. Come on, you didn't really think
that we'd go through with this, did you?

No one ever died from dabbling.

Just our marriage.

- Fair point.
- Yeah.

But, you know,
I couldn't stand being ignored.

I ignored you?

Oh you didn't need
a soothsayer to know

that you were terrified
of being lonely.

I'm sorry, Don. Really. I am.

Just, you know,
with the children gone...

I guess I didn't think we had
much in common anymore.

Yeah, so we picked up another kid
to avoid the issue.

You know, I tried
to stick it out. I really did.

I know you did, Don.

Wanna fool around?

You need to marry Bebe.
And that's nothing you don't already know.

And what about you?
Anybody special since...

Me?

Yeah, of course.

There have been guys here and there.

Yeah. And, I guess nothing to
write home about, nothing special.

Well, I did date this local cop
when I lived over on Courtesy.

He was really quite nice.

And then in New York City
I met this stock broker

who actually proposed to me
on the third date.

You know, that should
have been my first clue. God.

But then...

Oh yeah! In there!
That's right!

What happened to you?

What time is it?

A little after eight.
I thought you quit?

Thought I quit a lot of things.
Eight.

So that would make it, hey...

Forty minutes.
Not bad for starters.

Was that what that...

You didn't.
Oh tell me you didn't.

You and mom for forty,
that's remark...

You scumbags.
Gross. What?

What about Bebe?

Know.

Come on, what is wrong with you?

Forward, ducklings.

We are gonna cater the shit out of
this thing whether they like it or not.

I know you can't understand me,

but now that you're here I want you to know
that I've always been intimidated by you.

Even so, I never tried
to take your place with him,

because, but I always encouraged
the phone calls, and the visits.

And meeting you, I see where
so much of what's good in him comes from.

And I just, I'm just
so happy here, you're here.

Do you...

Do you understand me?

You working on anything lately?

Haven't touched a chisel in years.

Wow, shame.

You have more talent in your little finger
than I have in my whole body.

I'm a big girl now, Don.
You don't have to say that anymore.

It happens to be true.

Hair of the dog?

No. You sure today's the day
you want to fall off the wagon?

Coin flip at this point.

Don't ask the riffler.

How is it that you
can make something so beautiful...

and you have to be
such a complete douchebag?

I'm a complicated serpent.

Or whatever the hell she said.

So is this what happens with men?

Just a grain of strife in the relationship
and suddenly you're knee deep in your ex?

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Sweetie, I may be
on the back nine of life,

but I just spent
the last forty minutes

laying more pipe
than I have in twenty years.

I didn't say no to the scotch
because I didn't want the drink.

So wait a second.

You're...

Andrew doesn't know.

I'm not one of those women
who thinks I deserve to have a child

just because my uterus
suddenly decides to work.

He either loves me or he doesn't.

I'd hug you, but after last time...

Just try one of these.

- Delicious.
- Good.

Happy you're pleased, Mr. Griffin.
You are paying for it.

Well, you know,
I think I'll have a few more.

No.

Don't think so.

You know, if I were talking to you,
I would ask you what happened over there.

- With Lyla?
- Yeah.

- You see us?
- I did.

How about that?

It must be very comforting to know
that not everybody hates you.

Eases the burden somewhat.

- Listen. There's something I need...
- No. I'm not talking to you.

Was she upset about something?

Yeah, she is.

I'm not sure what to do about it.

Well, you love her, don't you?

More than anything.

Well, then, you do whatever
it takes to make her happy again.

Si?

Can I come in?

Open.

Oh geez.

Can you help me, please?

Oh my God, this is so not fair.

- Hi.
- All right.

Sorry.

Eh, listen, I...

No, it's, come here, impolite
to interrupt a performance.

A performance?

Item one.

Serenade her.

There's not a lot of words
that rhyme with Nuria.

But I really want to reassure 'ya...

That I will try not to be...

Premature-ia

Look, I decided that
I will not make love with you.

Okay. I disagree. Here's why.

Look. I did everything on your list.
Breakfast in bed. And...

I even did a list of the top ten
greatest moments in our relationship.

The first moment I saw you.

The first moment I saw you naked...

That's...

It's really sweet.

But...

We are brother and sister.

Yeah, but, only a little bit.

Look, you have waited
a long time for love.

And I could not forgive myself
if I took that away from you.

No, you're right.

The song is nice, though.

This, flowers every day, for your...

We have to tell her.

I'm not sure I agree.

Well, we at least have
to invite her to our wedding.

I'm sorry?

I'm kidding you.
I'm kidding you. I'm kidding.

- Thank Christ.
- Yeah.

I mean, not that
it would be a bad idea, but...

Yeah. No, it's okay.

We're behind each other.

Finally.

We're still family.

Still family.

So, what's going on?

First things first.

Thank you.

No.

Well, honey, your father and I
wanted to give you something.

Together?

Crazy, right?

We're so proud of you.

We really are proud of you,
of the man you've become, and...

of the woman that you love,
of the wonderful life...

that you have ahead of you and so...

We love you, buddy.

You carved this from the tree?

Your mother's idea.

No, actually it wasn't my idea,
but I'm speechless at your modesty.

Oh, wow.

I saved a few just in case
the first didn't take.

I don't know what to say.

Does this come with a piece of land?
Waterfront, if possible.

Sure, just click your heels
three times.

See you on the flip side, kid.

What?
I love you, guys.

Thank you.

It's perfect.

Oh my gosh, look at you!

You're here.

Of course I'm here.
Where would I be?

You look gorgeous.

Except this.

Well. Let me put that,
here you go.

Which reminds me of the prom fiasco.
You remember the junior prom?

White tux and blood
everywhere from the pin?

There you go.
Perfect.

Thank you.

Hey. We're family.

- At least most of the time.
- All the time.

Mom.

Oh my God, oh my God! So...

- I know. And we were just talking...
- Hi, Bebe.

Right, Mrs. Griffin.
I was just leaving.

- No, no, that's okay.
- No, it's all right.

- Wait a second. Mom.
- Yes?

Mama?

Esta es Bebe.

Hello.

Porque, mi hijo?

Bebe...

Have you by any chance
seen our boyfriend?

No, not since this morning.
My, oh!

Budge!

Well. If it isn't...

Oh, no.

One, two, three,
it's like a convention.

Donald Robert Griffin,
what have you done?

- Oh my god. He's plastered!
- I'm sorry. Somehow I...

- I, you know, we...
- Oh my gosh.

One minute we were sleeping...

The next minute, boom,
boom, triboom, boom,

chicka boom boom, boom, boom.

- Isn't he?
- Oh my God.

Came into the bedroom...

And what are you gonna do?
You do what you do in the bedroom.

Don!

The two, did...

I'm sorry, Bebe.

Wow, you really know how
to serve your revenge cold, don't you?

Come on.

All right, I forgive you.

- You do?
- Well, I mean, of course.

Otherwise I'm a hypocrite, right?
So, all right, I forgive you.

I'm sorry, too.

Every, here, forty minutes, by the way.

Hey. Hey, wait.

Of course.

- You look amazing.
- Thank you.

There's no chance
that you've changed your mind?

- Damn? I didn't think so.
- No. Sorry.

That's okay.

Well, you have
to admire the symmetry of it.

Hey, Donald, sit down.

Although, I guess if we were
really being sticklers,

you should have
to put your dick in Muffin.

What?

I dig the vulgarity, but why would I
ever want to bang Muffin O'Connor?

Well, I'm just saying,
if you want to go for true symmetry.

What are you talking about?

Eleanor?

Would somebody just please
punch me in the face again?

Because I don't know
what are we talking about.

She cheated on you first.

- What?
- Oh I...

What? Wait.
Well, wait a second.

Well, there was, it was like a...

Mistake. Hey.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If making it even means
that I'm supposed to boink Muffin,

that would mean that you boinked...

- Barry.
- What?

- What?
- Why?

What, what do you mean why?

What's the rumpus?

Wait, wait, wait.

You slept with Missy's father today?

No, no, no. Not today.

It was years ago,
when we were married.

He must have read you
a ton of poetry, huh?

What about me?

Well, I don't really care about you.

I know you don't!

It was practically an accident.

Except, of course,
my very best friend.

And now you all have a wedding to go to.
I'm gonna call the movers.

- No.
- Wait, no.

Just, just for the record...

whatever happens, no way am I ever
bumping uglies with Muffin O'Connor.

I beg your pardon?

What the hell did you just say?

Just because you porked my wife
doesn't mean I have to return the favor.

Excuse me?

All right, that's it!

- Oh God.
- What are you doing?

You look amazing, by the way.

Please, okay.

Look, I... Barry...
Barry, it wasn't me.

Okay, so I did the thing.

I mean, I didn't do that.

I'm sorry about it.
It was a mistake.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
and fuck me.

Where is he going?

Overseas, I imagine.

So you're the one.

And I'm so sorry, Muffin.

You have to understand.

But it didn't mean one single thing.

Feel so used.

Now don't even worry about it.

Barry and I have an understanding.

I occasionally look the other way,
and he doesn't harp on my fetishes.

What fetishes?

Your wife, for example.

Which one?

They're both equally delicious.

And that's the ballgame.
Wow. I did not see that one coming.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You guys might want to step out here.

Oh God. This is humiliating.

- What?
- What do we do?

About which one?

You know, Bebe.

Can't live without her, right?

Right?

Okay. So, you've gotta think
about what you're gonna do.

Right.

Where are the children?

Don't know.

Dying of embarrassment somewhere?

You think they might call it off?

- Man, Muffin, get over it.
- Okay, it's okay.

You're gonna have beige grandkids
that are bilingual.

We'll see about that, won't we?

Oh we will see about that. Yes, we will.

Sure you're okay with this?

You kidding me?

Just get this over with
before anybody sees us.

Father?

Everybody ready?

Just give us the Cliff notes version.

Oh, come on, please,
before anything else happens.

Okey dokey.

- Melissa, do you take...?
- Yes, I do.

- Do you, Alejandro Soto Griffin...?
- Yes...

I do.

On your marks.
Get set.

I'm pregnant.

Surprise.

God, they're eloping! Oh my god!

No, no! No!

- Stop!
- Holy mother.

Alejandro, put the ring, the ring, ring.
Ring on he finger. One on his finger.

Blah, blah, blah.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may...

kiss the bride.

- Now can we elope?
- Definitely.

- How could you do this to me?
- Now, now Muffin...

She can't swim.

Really?

Hey.

Look, I know we might
never see each other again, so...

I thought maybe we'd toast to
what was almost a beautiful friendship.

No, you know,
your mother was the one that told me

that American women are more reserved
when it comes to their sexuality.

Except for her, of course.

Think I will not...

take her advice anymore.

The men of Columbia will be thrilled.

Cierra la puerta.

What?

Close the door.

Bebe!

Bebe!

Bebe!

- Is that them?
- Yeah.

They're gonna be
spectacular together.

- They're smarter than we are, huh?
- It's hard not to be.

I'm an idiot.

- I mean, what is wrong with me?
- No, there's nothing wrong with you.

At all, Bebe.

In fact, you know
what I've come to believe?

I believe you're the sanest
one of all of us.

- Oh, no.
- Yes.

You don't have to say that.
That's crazy.

That doesn't make it any less true.

You've always been more beautiful...

And I mean,
I think actually that's probably

one of the reasons
that I found Don so attractive.

Come on.

You were in love with Don Griffith
from the first time I introduced you...

at the Crabtree summer party.

Was it that obvious?

Well then why didn't you hit me
with your car or something?

Come on, you were my best friend.

Still are, I hope.

Oh, Bebe. It wasn't him.

Oh yeah, okay, so he was flirting,
but I made the first move.

Why?

Because I wanted to make sure
I was over him.

And you know what?
It turns out...

It turns out I've been over him
for such a long time.

I want you to know something else.

I've always been happy...

that it was you he turned to.

I told you I forgive you.

Then forgive him too.

Oh my God!

Oh my God.

Again.

Oh hell yeah.

At least no one will ever forget it.

I'm an orphan.

No. no.
It's not that bad.

My mother's a lesbian, and my father
has had his penis in your mom.

That's a picture.

If it makes you feel any better,

I think our brother is somewhere
having sex with his sister.

What?

They are all
coming out of the woodwork.

Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

No, I'm just saying call me
if she gets back to the hotel.

Well, how the hell, how...?

Listen, how am I
supposed to know that?

That's why I'm asking you.

And that makes a full set.
What the hell did I do now?

Do you know why I've stayed away
from you for all these years?

I have some idea.
But I... okay.

Because like it or not,
I'm your daughter.

Jared got all mom's traits,
and I won the lottery with all of yours.

You know,
if we're the same,

how come no one's popping you
in the face every five minutes?

You know,
when you cheated on mom...

I became terrified that I was gonna
ruin my marriage the same way. And...

I don't want to be like that.
I don't want to be like you anymore.

- Andrew's here.
- Yeah, I know, dad.

Wonder who called him?

Yeah, okay. Two things.

Then if you never speak
to me again, so be it.

Look. I know you would
figure out that I called him.

And you're right, Lyla, we are alike.

Neither of us are
particularly close to being stupid.

If that's what you need.

To give my little girl
the best chance at a happy life...

Because ultimately,
and we're all selfish,

that gives me the best chance
at a happy life.

Even if you hate me for it.

I don't hate you.

Let me finish!

Let me finish. I know you love me,
sweetheart, even if you don't.

And I split up you felt
that you had to pick a side.

And I was okay with that.

Because, you know,
she needed you more than I did.

And I understand that.

The day you were born...

I went out and I got blasted, and I...

I left your mom alone.
I just...

I just drank my face off.

You know, you had these swollen little eyes,
and these pink little hands. And...

You were so...

I couldn't rectify
how something so...

incandescent could come from
an old douchebag like me.

Same with the boys.

You know, but for
a few mistakes along the way

I did the best I could to earn
my place in all of your lives.

You know, you can be
mad at me, not mad at me...

It's never gonna change
how I feel about you.

And I know these are
just words to you now. But...

Trust me, you'll understand what
I mean when your daughter is born.

How do you know it's a girl?

I don't.
I'm just hoping you'll be that lucky.

And I'm sorry that I'm so late,
by the way.

- I actually wasn't planning on coming.
- You didn't miss much.

My mom's a part time lesbian.

I don't have a response for that.

That's okay.

Hi.

Hey.

You look beautiful, honey.

I'm not the one who invited you.

He said that you
had something to tell me.

We're just gonna...

No, no, no, no...

You are my sister now.
This involves you as well.

You never called me.

Well, you did say that you never
wanted to speak to me again.

You said terrible things to me.

Know.

We were in a fight, I was...

I'm sorry.
I am sorry.

I'm pregnant.

That's why you barfed on dad.

Sorry.

Are you sure?

I don't believe this. Hey...

Andrew, I won't bring this baby
into an unhappy marriage.

I agree. I agree.
We can work on that.

Okay.

Can I...?

Beatrice Martha McBride,

I know you're still here, because
I just threw your car keys in the pond.

And into the kitty litter.

Beatrice Martha McBride,

love it.

- Beatrice.
- Oh my gosh.

I think that's for you.

Get your tight little ass out here.

Beatrice Martha McBride,

you come out here now or I'll huff,
and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house...

And you will give everybody here
a migraine if you don't shut the dilly up.

What do you want?

Okay. Here you go.

Sorry for cutting in.

I just want to tell you something.

Well... Okay.

We're all listening.

Brilliant.

And there's no wizard
pulling levers behind a curtain,

the only real use in loving someone
is that it makes your life better.

And my life would suck
infinitely more without you in it.

That's it?

That's the truth.

Boo!

Okay. I just have one answer for you.

No, no, I did not ask you a question.

The answer is yes.

I did not ask him a question.

Other than perhaps mentally,
fondle another woman.

And yes, I will embarrass you,
and shock you,

and often cause you to question
every last reason in the world

why you would ever love me
in the first place. Yes.

- You...
- Yeah?

Think that I still love you?

Really, you don't?

And yes, I would rather
gouge out my eyeballs

with hot spoons
than cause you pain again.

And yes, I will keep you
on an alabaster pedestal.

Words.

And yes, I will love you and
only you for the rest of my life,

if you will allow me...

the honor of becoming your husband.

Where the fuck did you get that ring?

I've had it around for,
I don't know, six years or so.

Six years?

So, what do you say?

Oh what the hell.

That's the spirit.

Okay then.

By the power still vested in me,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Dios mio.

Disculpa, mama?

Mama, porque?

Wait a second.

Some wedding, huh?

It's my first two-fer.

Yeah. Congratulations.

You too.

You know, you were right.

About what?

There are different kinds of love.

Which one are you feeling now?

All of them.

Welcome to the family, Baby Jane.

Lesson one,
your grandmothers are all nuts.