All language subtitles for Retro Puppet Master (1999) RiffTrax 720p.10bit.WEBRip.x265-budgetbits

Globe... us global floating space platform movie company.

Pretty close.

Yeah I think so.

Tony Kushner and John Locke. This is gonna be brainy.

Hmm. 1944. Yeah pretty quiet year in the news.

Yeah. Not a lot going on.

Good to know. Wow.

Now please tell me where it is relative to all other national borders?

I'll wait.

Ah. That's better.

A tiny handful of straw really kicked the fire into high gear..

Well my friends. How are you?

Well you look happy anyway.

Young and healthy.

Cool, calm, collected.

Take it from me. An old man who talks to puppets in a trunk.

lowly cosseted lives.

You're carried from adventure to adventure, in your warm comfortable trunk.

Who carries you? I do.

Yeah. I'd prefer to get this backstory in the style of an 80s cartoon intro please?

Retro puppet master!

And I'll put you up on wheels.

And you can pull me along in a trunk.

I made the same pitch to me kids. No deal.

It may never happen. Well we'll rest here tonight.

And tomorrow we'll be safe in Switzerland.

Switzerland you say? Any idea how close to the border we are?

Something for us to eat?

Grab me a pickled egg, would you toots?

Whoo. An ancient european iced tea dispenser.

Dusty garbage. Don't mind if I do!

Ugh. Canned squid that's not canned in squid ink? Horrifying.

What I found is a tin of sardines.

Now I need is a dinner plate.

Pretty standard reaction to an offer of sardines.

What have you found?

Well.

Face potato! My old friend!

Well.

Cyclops!

Magneto. Cerebro.

Cyclops.

He was one of the first in the family.

I hope my golden years go exactly like this.

It all began I suppose.

One day with old.

In Cairo. Long ago.

But? What the? Where are we? And how ago is this?

Honestly.

Some words on the bottom of the screen would help.

Help me Retro-Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope.

The music really evokes this time and place.

Sounds like the Danny Elfman score to a Tim Burton movie

threw up all over the Danny Elfman score to another Tim Burton movie.

Intricate calculus there.

Oh no. He's gonna do a one man show!

Oh brother. Prince of Persia! The Matlock years.

Those who steal the secrets of the gods must die!

Those who steal the secrets of the gods must die.

Also gods enjoy repetition.

Also gods enjoy repetition.

They too must die.

Better to know the secrets.

Than to die a fool.

One day all must die.

One day all must. Oh we're not doing the repeating anymore?

Feel the power of Sutack.

Oh okay. So sometimes repeating sometimes not.

Sometimes repeating sometimes not.

Wait. Are you answering my question or messing with me?

I have no idea. Sorry.

Glowing urine take me away!

Nice.

Not so powerful as once he was, this god of yours.

Oh. so now it's just one god. Are these guys consistent about anything?

Die sorcerer!

Die sorcerer!

Come on Kevin. They don't repeat three times.

Well it's very confusing.

But not today.

Oh no. He's got vague blue stuff. way more powerful than vague yellow stuff.

Oh man! I wrote my lotto numbers on that thing!

No Sutek. Not today.

No Sutek, not today. That used to come on after One Day at a Time right?

No Sutek. Not today.

Boing!

Oh lion head statue you're hilarious.

Lion head statue any closing thoughts?

No leave me out of this. I'm just here for a paycheck.

Thanks lion head statue. I respect you.

All the best.

Lion head statue.

Rise, slaves of Sutek!

Rise from the sands!

Rise from the dead!

And when I said "rise from the sands" I meant the table

you're already laid out on like a buffet.

Oh Legan, breathe!

Eat. Pray. Love!

Sutek.

This feels moments away from a goofy Mighty Boosh musical number.

Who are you?

Your slave.

Repeating is back and it's better than ever.

All slaves.

A sorcerer stole a secret.

The secret of life!

Uh could we get these instructions written down or something?

We are literally ancient brainless corpses.

And all told of my secret.

Hear my command.

All who lives, live life, must die.

Egyptian gods are way into irony.

Come and do my...

Quit showing blue pyramids.

That ancient aliens guy is gonna show up and rant.

The world was younger then.

And so indeed was I.

There's our boy.

There he is. Oh hai one eye!

Let's wrap this scene up

Seinfeld needs your shirt for some episode they're doing.

Can't wait to show these guys to my buddy's future wife Lisa.

Oh please slip a Howdy Doody in there somewhere!

Hi. I'm Cyclops.

My only wish is that a weird old man never picks up my severed head.

Let's begin.

Not bad for someone's first ever attempt to say words out loud.

And it seems to me,

you lived your life, like a puppet named Cyclops.

Retro Puppetmaster. Masters puppets while wearing a pork pie hat

and listening to music on cassette tape.

Oo. Tommy Wiseau's mouth. He found you Greg.

I'm offensive. But I'm not sure how.

Stephan Blackehart. Is a good name for this skull doctor puppet.

I'm sorry. Apparently that's the name of a real human person. I apologize.

Hmm. Giant lipstick puppet, how's it going?

Boy I hope that's a mouth. Oh it is. Good.

Oh it's just Meatloaf in a hat.

Retro dentistry master.

Huh. Eye by Jim Davis.

Bergschneider and Farley. Best retro puppet guys in the biz!

Are there other retro puppet movies?

Nope. that's what makes Bergschneider and Farley so DAMN good!

So uh, drill head? Huh. Are drill heads retro?

Of course they are. How dare you question the

retro puppetry of Bergschneider and Farley?

Okay sorry.

Bill? Yeah?

Where did that Bergschneider and Farley t-shirt come from?

Were you wearing that when we came in here?

That is none of your business you retro puppet philistines.

So guys I think what the movie is getting at here, is um, puppets have faces.

Could be. I love his constant "UH! What now?" expression.

Hmm. Nice head band dead Olivia Newton John

from the music video for Physical puppet.

That is a very specific puppet.

And very retro.

Mm hmm. Bergschnieder and Farley baby!

So Benjamin Carr wrote the scene with the

egyptian guys repeating each other?

So Benjamin Carr wrote the scene with the

egyptian guys repeating each other?

Thank you.

Whoa. Whoa. Gonna need to know its proximity to the

Swiss border before we go any further.

Ilsa? Ilsa please, just wait.

Wait a moment.

Where are you going?

And where is my voice being broadcast from?

We're in Paris. Don't you want to see it?

We see it every day.

Shopping in the proper places. With chaperones.

That's not Paris.

Let's go to Planet Hollywood. That's the REAL Paris.

We can see a guitar Jimmy Hendrix may have used once. Like five minutes.

Magic. I want to find it.

If your father finds out that you're sneaking off in the middle of night.

With your weirdly accented robot friend.

Back home to Geneva.

Cooped up in here and trotted off to dance with old men at embassy balls.

Might as well be back in Geneva.

You know they don't even allow torture there? Boring!

If he doesn't find out?

Okay. But please be careful.

And don't go into any opium dens.

That's what I tell my kids every morning before school.

Blue Paris is only a few miles away from Blue Egypt.

Here in the blue verse.

Hmm let's see now. Opium zone.

Opium R Us. Bed, Bath and Opium.

Mademoiselle?

Am I not a pathetic sight?

Did you ever imagine the depths to which a boy could sink?

That's a weird pick up line. But guys it works.

Come. A few coins.

Ease your conscience.

I can use the money.

And I'm sure it will make you feel so much better.

Golden Corral's new slogan.

Alright.

Either way this money is winding up at an opium den.

There. I'm sure it feels so much better.

I'm gonna start saying that instead of thank you

whenever someone does me a favor.

Good crowd tonight.

Thank you Tom Cruise from Valkyrie.

Come, positions everyone.

Hey where's Vigo?

Last minute repairs.

Always two minutes before curtain time.

He's not a professional.

Please. Positions.

Is that really how you're gonna be talking?

Oh boy. Wow.

Gonna be a problem.

Monsieur Vigo, at your convenience?

We would like to begin.

Yeah I'm almost ready Andre.

Almost ready.

Puppeteers have been a nightmare to manage ever since they unionized.

There.

Perfection. I'm happy for you both.

Please. Take your place.

And for god's sake keep it retro.

Too much Andre.

It is fashionable to be late.

Fashionable for the audience, not the production.

Hurry! Let's go.

The opium addicts are starting to realize where they are.

All in position? Good.

♪♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone

has a spare tube sock and magic marker,

please see the stage manger immediately.

Ah big crowd for the last night of Hanukkah.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to welcome you to the real world.

A world of magic, of gods and of monsters.

Busytown?

Here all familiar illusion will be swept away.

Here all things become one.

Terror and wonder.

Heaven and hell.

Setting it and forgetting it.

I give you, the Theatre Magique

Where all things are possible.

What about marionettes?

Except for marionettes. Aww!

♪♪♪

Oh man oh man! Children's Television Workshop, front row center.

This is big.

♪♪♪

They're just biding their time before the record skips

and they're busted for lip syncing.

♪♪♪

With this one eye of mine.

I can see better than any other two.

And Lens Crafters can get my prescription done in half the time.

♪♪♪

If one is better than two, then perhaps none would be better than one.

You can see why mime took Paris by storm.

Really magic.

Strange and frightening place is this.

♪♪♪

Don't you know my friend?

Jewel in the jungle baby.

The sulfur! Feel the heat of the flames!

Good voice work.

♪♪♪

Everywhere is hell, for we are the damned.

And they beat each other with sticks for 40 minutes?

That I could watch.

Darkman, PI.

The Durante Mysteries.

Inspector Gadget.

Nights. Rorschach she wrote.

Ninja Turtle goes undercover. Special Victims Unit.

That one's a little wordy Kevin.

Okay fine.

And he's not a turtle.

Alright!

♪♪♪

Then we slowly pan down to find the old man's

calling card. A lone watch tower pamphlet.

♪♪♪

Climbed into a sewer, watched an old vagrant sneak around.

I'd say this bucket list is finally complete.

He's left the nest.

Go quickly. Follow him.

Follow him.

Buffy didn't hit its stride until season two.

From behind.

Do not let him suspect then.

Kill him.

Afterwards, there will be more.

I'm caddying this weekend.

Don't you worry sir. You can depend on us.

Do not fail.

Do not fail. Do not fail.

We won't. Huh. We won't.

Once more?

We won't.

Thank you!

♪♪♪ Why do we stay here? Let us escape!

We're waiting for Gonzo.

There is no escape from fate.

We all are puppets.

Dancing on a string.

Free will is an illusion.

Hell is other people and stuff.

Yah!

The puppeteer.

Then the path is clear. ♪♪♪

Into the fire with all, and with me as well.

And thus the comedy ends.

Puppet show AND a reminder about the inevitability of death?

No wonder it's a packed house.

That's entertainment baby.

Why do we not attack?

Why use them?

Because Orkin will spray the whole property. He senses us.

He knows what we're about.

And he has power.

He's an agent at Endeavor.

Can they kill him?

He is mortal.

If he's

I'm glad Steen Punk preacher never took off as a look.

At last! My quest for the dorkiest magic

theater sign in the world has come to an end!

Hmm. Wait. I'll use the prop comic entrance around the back.

Surprise! It was us operating the puppets the entire time!

We were holding up the puppets!

But we were hiding behind the curtain!

That's why you guys were confused.

Did you think these dolls spoke without moving

their mouths on their own? Nope. Those were our voices.

Just another feed for the mind here at Club Magique!

Well I don't how Tin Tin's gonna get out

of this one without it ending in bloodshed.

Uh the kid needs to toughen up anyway.

Yeah.

Hey, hey. People got up to leave while others

were still clapping. That's technically a standing ovation.

No Phil. I said leave the patio light on high.

I said leave it on high!

The packed crowd of twenty still trying to exit.

Could someone yell "fire" already? Geez.

and the beating of an octogenarian enters its fourth hour.

Pssh! Pssh!

Not very efficient.

Punching the hell out of an old man is like making a patchwork

quilt. You just keep going until you feel done. Might take years.

Wait! He's got two eyes.

This isn't the puppet who made fun of us!

Help! Help! Police!

Police! Help!

Ugh. Just took us ten minutes to pummel this old guy.

We'll never overpower her. Run!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Eew. He brushed my sleeve with his hand. I need a tide pen. Help!

Open the door!

Open the door please!

Please help! A man's been attacked.

Could you tell if his lips were moving? Is he still able

to throw his voice? Sir? Sir? How many finger puppets am I holding up?

Well he still won't sing lady of spain while I drink water.

A doctor?

Duvall is a student of medicine.

Why?

He just finished working on my eye.

Gah. Did you use the screw head puppet?

Just a joke.

Is he really?

From the school of the medicine to show business.

The result of dissipated living my dear. Learn from it.

Then you too can be dissipated.

I'll set you up at one of the auditing stations.

Tell me about 3D movies again.

What did he say? What are they going to do?

To do? Well since there's not a bribe nor a loose moraled mademoiselle attached

to the complaint I suspect they'll do nothing.

Plus, none of us speak French, so.

I'm afraid he's right.

This sort of thing is rather common.

I wanted to thank you for helping.

It was my pleasure.

The old man?

Can he play nick nack on my shoe?

If he wakes in the next hour, he should recover.

If he doesn't, he probably won't.

But why would they want to kill him?

Some men don't need a reason.

But I mean you SAW the fedora.

Mademoiselle, can we escort you home?

Oh. No no. No thank you.

I'll just cut through muggers alley.

Get her a carriage.

I live to serve.

Spoken like a true Friendly's waiter.

I saw you in the theater.

And I saw you.

That is of course. I saw you.

Really eating it on stage. Wow!

Have you been doing this for long?

The puppets I mean?

All of my life.

Really?

And you're nerples haven't been permanently purpled?

Very nice to meet you.

Obviously the circumstances?

The circumstances could have been better.

Yes.

Yes. You have to forgive me.

This sort of thing doesn't happen to me very often.

Paying for and attending puppet shows. Yeah you have that

in common with nearly every human being that's ever lived.

Her Majesty's carriage awaits.

Yes.

I really should meet my father.

But dad doesn't want her hanging around puppet masters.

Totally understandable.

Good night.

Good evening.

Did you enjoy the show?

Interesting.

Oh man!

Oh! I liked it very much.

Then come again please.

Come again he says. Yeah yeah.

Okay I will. I'll see if my worst enemy is available on Tuesday.

Ha ha ha. Oh. You were serious?

Oh Andre!

Shut up.

Hmm. Everything's blue.

Why we must be in Egypt the bluest of all middle eastern countries.

Still lives.

I sent him.

He is weaker at least.

Weaker?

But now warned.

Now warned.

Dammit Roger. It really hurts my feelings that

you think my saying something isn't enough.

Senses us.

He waits for us.

But we must choose the time and the place to strike.

Oh is it dark in here? I can barely see you guys?

Well not surprising.

In high school they were both voted most likely to be killed by mummies.

Now that he's had a successful puppet show

how to follow up? A roller skating monkey?

Putting a pirate costume on a parrot? Gotta dream big.

You're always more generous to poor helpless unfortunates like me.

Wait. Why are you extra American?

Squeezing the ... out of them?

It's like real work.

I'll see what I can do for you.

Make some girl puppets. Naked ones.

Yes! Please start with Lady Elaine Fairchild.

Follies Bergere?

He's even able to cough unconvincingly. Now that is bad acting.

To tell you the truth. I'm not sure myself.

Seriously. What's a 21st century suburban kid from

Naperville Illinois doing begging in old timey Paris?

Here. Have some of these metal washers

people throw at us when our shows really suck.

I'm neither.

Good night.

Good night. Sure is great us two bein' French and all.

Did you touch my social security?

I suppose you'll have to do.

Ah. He must be the casting director.

How are you feeling? You were attacked by some.

I know what happened to me.

Is there anybody you'd like me to send for?

Family? Friends?

Guy looks okay for having been savagely beaten for eleven straight minutes.

Not a mark! Oh I see.

That thing down and come over here.

Put that puppet down and come over here? Nothing good ever follows that.

No.

Sit.

Listen carefully, and do not interrupt.

Oh god. He's gonna go into detail describing his

favorite episode of Murder She Wrote.

My name is Efsel.

I am a sorcerer.

Born in Egypt some three thousand years ago.

But now.

Back when Ramses the 11th was still in short pants.

Ah you whipper snappers don't know how to take your time.

They pursue me because I stole the secret of life.

And I'm sorry to tell you it's the grapefruit diet.

Every waking moment of my long life has been utter misery.

And make it live.

Ugh. His breath smells like a scarab beetle.

Now I am dying.

I cannot be saved, but.

The secret it must be saved.

So do you know anyone who is not an idiot?

Gods bide their time.

When they rise a hundred years from now.

A thousand.

Oh he acted with his scalp, nice.

Secret of life may save human kind.

I will teach it to you.

Do you understand?

I have a puppet.

Yeah I see.

I understand.

Three thousand year old sorcerer from Egypt.

And you want to teach me the secret of life?

I like that they're unafraid to do comic

takes directly to the camera in a horror movie.

Don't you think, I mean after three thousand years.

Would one more night matter?

So how about when he dies, he uses the power to resurrect dead things

On himself.

Puppets.

Okay puppets. That makes a lot more sense.

It's the old man.

Alright. Jeff Dunham dies first.

Look over there young man.

Hi. Ted Puppet. Damn glad to meet you.

Whoa ho!

Yeah that's right. Dead.

Oh my god. I just realized how incredibly lame my puppets are.

I have been wasting my life.

This is the secret of life?

Yep yep yep yep. Secret of life.

They do not live as you do. As puppets.

Now they are mere cells.

The will that drives them, is mine.

And I'm frankly pretty tapped out.

So they're not gonna do much of anything but sit around in their boxer shorts.

Sorry.

The secret of life is very different.

Duh! Very different!

Precious.

We can make your puppets truly live, live as men live.

With souls and wills.

Uh yeah. But it costs like eight dollars more per puppet.

What are they doing?

Carving signs of protection for your doors.

That will make it harder for my enemies to find me.

By his enemies he means, an old neighbor

he bought lawn furniture from and still owes eighty bucks.

Young man?

Ugh. He's gonna talk sing a Village People song.

I was once in your shoes.

There is little time.

Shall we begin?

Why am I always looking up at your junk Gary?

Here we go. Three seconds and you're already bitching.

He has gone.

Does this director also own plumbing business?

I mean what's with all the loving shots of broken pipes?

He has erected signs of protection.

And also about a hundred signs to vote no on prop 46, whatever that is.

He feels very strongly about it.

Ah. I was on board until the old man starting making out with the puppets.

Sometimes I think I must be going mad.

What? What?

I give you an opening like that and you don't take advantage of it?

Think he just turned Irish for a second there.

'Salright?

'Salright.

Heh eh, see? I still got it.

Bring him inside.

He's?

Dead. Yes I know.

No I was gonna say he's totally faking it.

He's breathing his hot gross breath all over my hand.

He's not even making an effort not to.

What are you talking about?

Did you think it was enough, merely to teach you theory?

I'd like to learn his secret of how to slowly morph into old Merle Haggard.

Think of it as a gift.

A rebirth if that makes it easier for you.

But in the name of everything holy.

Please. Get him inside before somebody walks by.

Quickly!

It would have been quicker if you skipped

your three minute soliloquy, but okay.

Take it.

A tool of the art, I give it to you.

Careful.

It once belonged to a very powerful sorcerer.

And former roommate named Liberace.

What it is, my brother.

It usually goes in the urethra but since this is your first time.

A ring does not matter.

Why did we do it, you weird old fossil?!

The same is true of the fluid.

But our magic it serves merely as bridge for the life force.

All my best teachers stood six inches from

my face and whispered their lessons creepily in my ear.

Wow. Yeah. This seems super complicated.

Glad he's there to walk him through it.

Now the words.

Oh sorry. Thanks for evil puppet ring Mr. Absel.

Not those words you idiot.

Nick.

Nologa.

Halokman.

This actually sounds less authentic than mecca lecca hai mecca hinie hoe.

The real dark magic here is being done by

his pumpkin ginger spice yankee candle.

With experience as you grow stronger, you'll not have to say the words out loud.

To think them will be enough.

Oh. So like telling your wife you love her?

There. See?

Moisturizer.

See?

No. Sorry. What are we looking at? Yes I see!

What have we trying to bring to life for the last ten minutes?!

Um, is the clearly visible hand helping it move at all?

Just a tad.

It cannot speak of course.

Yeah could you back up maybe half a step? You're a very close talker.

Wow. Can this be right?

To use men. Even dead men.

Which camera's mine? Where do I look? This way?

All men use other men, all life uses other life.

This is simple.

Ah yeah. This is quite the rich life you've given me. Thanks asshole.

Simply a power.

Use it for evil.

It would be evil.

Still can't find my eye line. Where do I?

Use it for good.

It will be good.

Tick off all the good uses for living puppets could you please?

Do you know me?

That means "I do not." in puppet.

Do you know what I have done?

Have I harmed you?

Guess the old guy's multiple brain hemorrhages

from the beating are finally catching up with him.

He held out pretty well.

Spare some change or?

Hofsa? What?

Are you alright?

No. I'm dying. I've told you that before.

Would have been better to give the secret of eternal life to

my pot smoking nephew who's always about to start a landscaping business.

One day.

Hey uh? Newly sentient puppet here.

I've got a couple of questions for you guys. You know when you have a second.

Yes.

For instance I was in heaven enjoying

eternal bliss with god and all the saints. Am I allowed to go back?

Hello?

Through the centuries, armies have fought and died for it.

You've got a booger. Let me just uh get that.

Do not waste it.

Oh. One more thing.

The beggar's body.

Chop it for sausage. Feed it to the puppets.

Hey!

Would be better if you took it back outside.

That's all.

He'll be stiff by morning. we can use him as a toboggan.

Don't you judge me! Kindling.

I must take you outside my friend.

Ugh. Hope he doesn't think he's gonna bury that guy.

Because let me tell you, digging a grave in the winter is hard.

I mean I've heard.

Do some curls brau! It's always time for tonin'!

Whoo. Well. Good thing today's pick up day.

Les hoo! Les hoo! Hoo woo woo!

Wow. The coyotes went right to town on that body.

Where have you gone?

Please come back. Please.

Ah. It's so hard to be a single parent to black magic puppets.

Andre. A new fragrance from Vince McMahon.

Can you hear me?

Where are you hiding?

I don't mean to hurt you.

I just want to turn you into a real boy named Denny.

Please stop it.

Frozen blood. They should get some salt on that.

Come back.

Please, come back.

Oh what a great night.

I even found five francs on that dead bum across the road.

Goodness. I liked this girl before she started acting like a big hussy!

Blast it.

Alright fine. I'm getting the damn glue traps.

He's so dreamy. Like an Anne Rice Ken doll.

Oh it's?

Ilsa. I hope I...

Well I can see I didn't wake you?

Oh no no.

You mean those aren't his PJs?

Oh please.

I hope you don't mind my coming.

I wanted to.

Uh well get a refund.

Yeah. Figured. Happens a lot.

I would have come to the performance.

But sometimes it's rather difficult for me to get away from, from home.

No of course. I'm glad you came.

But you see.

How is he?

Okay! The Amway pitch will start in three, two, one.

That poor old man.

Is he any better?

Oh he's. He's fine.

That's good. I was rather worried.

He had that haunted by an elder god look.

Asleep now of course.

I have a confession to make.

A confession?

Yes.

Well have you ever heard of puppet Ophelia?

Didn't come only to ask about the old man.

I came to see you.

See me?

Yes I'm sure that's rather shocking.

It is. She could do WAY better.

A virtual stranger. Or perhaps not.

After all you are in the theater.

I don't find it shocking at all.

Very glad you came.

Did you know you have two bats tangled up in your hat?

I have to go. I'm sorry.

Yes it's late you see. And I'm very busy.

Also I'm thinking of moving to bigger place man.

I'm making some good money.

Seems like my fault.

Very busy.

Please it's not that.

The old man is asleep.

Seems like it's not the first time someone used that excuse on her.

I don't understand.

No really. There's nothing to understand.

You certainly owe me no explanation.

We really don't know each other at all.

If I can't stay, I guess I'll just go tell the cops about the body I saw you dump.

Hardly compare with your expertise.

Please.

Listen to me.

I can't explain, but I'm very glad you came.

Oh he was stalling for time while he called security on her.

No don't!

Stop. No.

Don't punch this jerk who rejected me in the nuts I beg you.

Oh!

Puppet's hoping that guy whips out his own puppet.

You have no right to do this!

Please mademoiselle.

No secrets.

You'll pay for this.

Oh mademoiselle

I have already been paid.

No you'll PAY for it. Not get. Oh forget it.

Keep your hands off her! Oh!

You are not going to put up a struggle are you Mademoiselle?

Please take the mademoiselle.

And don't let her talk you into stopping at White Castle this time.

Stop! You're knocking the beads off my brocade!

You bastard! What are you going to do with her?

And as for the young monsieur.

He was practicing that the whole ride over.

Oh!

Take him.

He learned that from the landlord in Dirty Work.

Ah heh. Where am I?

Good thing she wore her crampons.

I hope you don't expect an apology.

I'm NOT sorry!

I'm not a child anymore and you had no right to send this, this watch dog of yours.

Watch wog? That's Routrageous!

Please leave us.

Yes sir.

Ahh. Just when I was really on a roll with my NCIS fan fic.

Ilsa?

I'm extremely disappointed in you.

If you do not wish to be treated like a child, you shouldn't behave like one.

I know you got play doh in the carpet again.

Growing up to do.

And I'm afraid Paris is not the place to do it.

At the end of the week I'm going to return you to Geneva.

As soon as I find out how close it is to the Swiss border.

In the meantime, of course, you will not be permitted to leave the embassy.

Father, I swear to you.

I'm sorry Ilsa. My mind is made up.

Good evening.

Get some sleep. I want you looking nice for the purity ball tomorrow.

Father!

Good, evening!

Within a week Switzerland would declare a war on all puppets worldwide.

That lets the servants know to start fluffing his shapely body pillow Josephine.

Who are you?

Why are you doing this?

Why does this happen to me after every show?

Excuse me young man but I'm rather tired.

It is past my bedtime.

I would be asleep, were it not for the fact

that my daughter disappeared earlier this evening.

If I say anything freaky, it's strictly the ambien talking.

And I fully intend for the few days that she's in Paris,

That she remains safe.

I have commissioned a giant mason jar for her

and poked plenty of holes in the lid.

I bid you good night.

And good lesson.

Clown.

Clowns are a completely different branch of commedia dell'arte idiot!

Stick to your actresses!

And your street whores.

Street horse! The crime fighting horse with a heart of gold. Street horse!

Man I wonder how much longer I can convince my parents I'm in law school?

Oh! Not the horse signal? Now how are they gonna summon street horse?

Street horse!

I feel him. Feel him.

He is weak. And he's close.

I'm picking up that weird old man beef stew smell you know.

Time to kill.

To kill.

Come.

We shall prepare with some stretches and light calisthenics.

He could not have gone far.

He's a bit of a homebody.

We have driven him to ground.

Now.

We must dig him out.

Take him out.

But how?

The time has come for us to gather.

Above.

Above. The rim! Cue montage of sick three sixty mummy dunks.

Yeah, you know Gepetto was always passing out in the snow too.

It's a puppeteer tradition.

Must have gotten a concussion in his stomach, brain?

Ah. the legendary urban forests of gay Paris.

Heh. Yeah meant to do that folks.

Getting beat unconscious and dragged into the woods

All part of the plan!

Where the hell is my puppet lube?

I can't stick my hand in dry.

Valentin, is the door repaired?

Yes.

My skills were able to encompass this heroic enterprise.

It's Judge Doom and his brother bailiff Doom!

Monsieur Anderson?

You guys here to fix the HVAC intake or?

Hmm.

What the devil do you think are doing?

Oh no. Mummies.

What? How can you tell?

Well this is clearly mummy magic.

That's such a big assumption to make.

They killed him with a soap opera dream sequence effect.

Mummy blast!

Nobody knows that's a thing!

I do.

Heh eh. I haven't had this much fun since that

priest pulled my brain out through my nose.

Oh no! A mummy got him!

Yeah see?

They look like the Shelbyville version of the Droogs.

Hey, you okay man?

Oh no! A bootleg Dr. Teeth pinata, behind him!

Wow.

Oh no! His hand!

He needs that for holding straight out in front of

him as he lurches towards his victims!

Ah. I guess it turns out that undead super beings versus

french puppeteers is not the even match up I assumed it would be.

Where the hell's the beer man?

This puppet show is Punch and Ju Die!

Thanks Arnold.

You bet.

So the puppet troop, just keeps a loaded

pistol in their dressing room at all times?

Oh what could possibly have affected my aim?

Well this is the closest thing to groupies any puppeteer has ever had.

Nick's cousin Pierre Fury brought disgrace to the family name.

At last. The rats have come for the light.

That common saying about that behavior rats are known for.

Yeah, coming for the light.

Your powers cannot match ours.

You must die thief.

Yeah Roger. We covered that.

Roger, covered that.

Roger.

But not at your hands.

Sutek will not lay claim to my death.

He's overdosing on pure grapelicious flavor.

Gah! I thought that was the teleport to safety spell.

I think he's dead.

Okay what's next? Who's up for fresh baguettes huh?

Oh praise to Sutek!

Oh praise to Sutek! Oh praise to Sutek!

Take it off!

Okay now keep in mind, that the old guy is telling this story to a puppet.

So I looked over my shoulder for some reason as I slowly

approached the theater. I was limping kind of badly. Took the hand rail.

Oh no. I don't have positive associations with Mark and staircases.

Oh man.

Ah.

Why couldn't this have happened to Owen Wilson in Midnight in Paris?

My god! Are the puppets okay?

You guys ate those expired Snow Caps

from the concession stand, didn't you?

Huh. I didn't think our performance was that bad.

This is all Lisa's fault!

He's gonna go FULL Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson's cameo in Ted 2 that is.

Wow.

Several people, devastated.

So he went out and hung that sign before he got rid of the bodies?

Interesting.

Okay. Move this guy five feet then go out and hang a no refund sign.

Okay. Now that I know THIS chapter of

Toulon's back story, the scene in Puppet Master versus Demonic Toys Rumble in the

Toy Box, where Robert gets attacked by Baby Oopsie Daisy, take on an entirely

new meaning for me.

Oh yeah? What meaning is that?

It really sucks.

I'm sorry my friends.

I'm sorry I failed you.

And I'm sorry that I need your help.

That's how I start every email.

Vengeance may not be the most noble

reason for leaving, but for now

it is all I have.

Hell yeah. We're about to see some revenge puppeting!

Professor X cut wolverine's budget.

What about Cerebro?

Magneto.

Okay who said hieroglyphics suck?

It is he.

Cookies?

No.

It is another.

Hey guys?

If I'm ever brutally murdered at least mourn me for a day or so,

before using my blood to bring puppets to life please.

Eh no deal.

That thief has given our secret of life to another.

Remember there's no rule that says you

can't give the secret of life to a dog!

I've got a ham sandwich for lunch. May as well try to bring that to life too.

Then another must die.

Another must die.

Stop repeating me.

Stop repeating me.

I'm an idiot. Yeah you are.

Oh dammit! Come!

Three thousand year old demons waiting

in line to purchase train tickets. Puppet Master!

And you shall protect my marshmellowy breakfast cereal.

He doesn't question his need for a puppet army.

He just immediately starts creating it.

Oh life burns faster! Obey your master! Master!

You know what's amazing?

This is still not one of the worst three prequels I've ever seen.

Yeah, wow.

Drill man, from Mega Man Four.

Just doing a little side work for Dr Wiley.

His thoughts drift to his brother. The respected orthodontist.

The old guy neglected to tell him that step two

is carving detailed genitals for all the puppets.

They're uh, not really gonna show him doing this with every body are they?

Boy.

Brother has a family. Given the key to the city.

Money in the bank.

Is this like if the teachers in Setting Up a Room were

harvesting blood from the children instead of putting away blocks.

Injecting a marinade really helps keep your puppet moist.

Even after hours in the oven.

This is like watching a remake of Trainspotting with an all puppet cast.

This is now delicately I handle my collection of Madballs action figures.

His puppets all look irritated that they weren't made better.

Don't blame them.

So where does arranging your death puppets

fall on Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

Nick

Narloca.

Just FYI guys. Doing this will get you kicked out

of an American Girl doll store real fast!

Nick.

Narlaca.

He memorized the bring a puppet to life spell already?

Still keep a cheat sheet of my kid's names.

Nick.

Narlaca.

Hey. So Narlaca is my main takeaway from this scene.

That's what I'm getting too.

Lafarla.

Yeah Larfarla is trash! Get back to Narlaca!

Whoo! Narlaca!

Yeah!

I'm ALIVE! Oh damn, am I early?

Well. Gotta get to that Doctor Octogon album cover shoot.

Uh! A puppet!

What's a guy gotta do for some googly eyes?

My friend.

You've returned.

You're not frightened anymore?

Nah. Watching those brutal murders really calmed me down.

I wish I wasn't.

Hofsa?

Smmmmmokin!

What I've said.

Just pretend you understood him.

Blade?

Yeah but I pay my taxes. Heh heh.

Drill Sergeant?

Okay that name sucks. I want to be Blade.

Dr. Death.

He has a Ph.D in Romanian art but still makes everyone call him doctor.

Cyclops.

Wow. You up all night workshopping that one pal?

And no longer my master.

Will you follow me?

As long as you promise to carve us a few chicks.

We shall be avengers.

Not the good kind. The Uma Thurman kind.

Ooo. Yuck.

We shall be destroyers of evil.

Very short very slow evil.

Let's begin.

We cannot remain here.

It is no longer safe and there will be too many questions I cannot answer.

For instance, which door in The Room leads to the outside?

Did not come face to face with your killers without protection.

Ow. I just came to life. I think I'm doing okay!

When Blade here is finished we will leave.

We will hop on a very small model train.

In Egypt there aren't too many ways for them to go.

We will find them.

I promise you.

Finished?

Uh yep!

Ha ha. Gonna be so mad when he realizes that's

the chinese character for urinal puck!

Lacking in amenities I fear.

But by far, the least conspicuous means of transportation.

Now let's hop in my bright yellow PT cruiser.

You've come looking for me?

Ah. Future puppet master. Current master of the obvious.

Hey. Who wants a very small circumcision?

Not so easy to kill me?

Down on your knees thief.

Bow down before the god you mocked.

Calling him diety poopy pants then septic!

Oh!

Okay maybe I can be convinced to bow down to some evil.

Easy to kill.

Dear Puppethouse forum, I never thought this would happen to me.

But one night.

That's me anytime I try to open a Capri Sun.

Oh. Maybe if I puncture the bottom of the pouch?

Dammit I just want some juice!

Yeah see.

This is why you put the vengeful spirits of your

murdered friends into something taller than a roomba.

Your health insurer's bronze plan ladies and gentlemen!

That's for dressing like Leave On Era Elton John.

And so. Puppets I scooted away on my bottom.

Then the main mummy threw a pipe. Are you even listening puppets?

I'm trying to frame a story here.

If there's one thing every puppet show needs functioning fire arms.

For the audience?

Yeah.

Oh man. Building manager's gonna be pissed.

I think we will leave Paris my friends.

There is nothing more for us here now.

Nothing more.

Dr Death and I are in love.

Yeah. Best just to assume they're dead. Good job.

Rise!

Obey! Live again!

Do you think you dinks can handle that?

What the?

Ugh. Uh. Alright. No more formaldehyde.

Time to make some serious changes in my life.

That one's useless.

He can not be brought back again.

We can no longer afford his per diem.

The thief Afzel is dead.

Life?

Make no excuses.

You have failed me.

We have failed.

Oh now you're not even repeating right.

God.

Terrible one.

Sutek.

Oh boy.

Whose heart is the very blackness of time.

Whew!

I beg you.

Give us the power to do your will.

To kill this thief!

Or at least make him stop doing that ludicrous accent.

Take this power.

Do what you must.

We've already burned through our effects budget.

All praise the Sutek!

Blackest magic. But now with the refreshing scent of pine.

But. I leave.

You cannot sense him.

Face.

You thief?

Can't sense him? Just get his address off an international mail catalog.

Not using my secret.

Fool.

If you cannot find him, find the one he loves.

Then he will come to you.

It shall be done.

Lord of tombs.

It shall be done.

Whose heart is the very blackness of time.

What was I thinking? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Bit over the top.

Here's hoping the thief has some lozenges.

Just can't get rid of this.

Jackpot! Gallagher tickets!

Hey Steve! Are we powdered?

One he loves.

Information I gleen from this random unsigned floor photo.

Please accept my most profound apologies for any inconvenience

Inconvenience?

Are you mad?

He will never understand a word that big.

Dear Andre,

Dearest Andre,

My dear phantom, which I will never see again.

Now to practice writing my Mrs. Retro Puppet Master signature over and over.

Mademoiselle, may I be of some service?

No. No thank you.

But mademoiselle should be pleased to know that

when I retire one of my most able assistants will take my place.

It looks like me with a big bushy mustache and you should sleep with him.

Requires any assistance, someone would be available at all times.

And rest assured, he will also roll his Rs.

Merely efficient.

Good evening.

Yes. Good evening.

I hope a possessed puppet saws your wang off, you big bully.

We're on a mission from Gad!

Mission from Gad!

Whoo. This is too fancy. Let's go back to the La Quinta.

She is here?

You had a message for the ambassador's daughter?

A message.

Yes.

Where is she?

Asleep in the west wing I presume.

Spooning with President Bartlett I assume.

You said you have a message?

Yes.

Well? What is it?

Die.

But first, what time do you serve the continental breakfast?

Dow! Ow!

Where for art thou retro puppet master?

We have hats!

Who are you? What do you want here?

Sleep.

Sleeeeeep!

Wow! That's oldie but a loudie.

Thinking of puppets.

Sorry.

Take her.

Walking down the stairs. The stairs.

Walking down the stairs. The stairs. Walking down.

Walking down the. The.

Thank you Bill. Quite nice.

You! Stay!

Die!

Why, that's a capital idea! Oooo!

I don't condone this!

Of what use is she to us?

If he does not know.

He will know. I will send him a dream.

And he will know.

Well how can you send him a dream if we do not know where he is?

Well I found a great app for that.

RPM finder. Yeah. Good one.

Will have the same nightmare.

But one will know, that it is more than a nightmare.

And he will come to us.

Mm hm. And who would that be?

The puppet guy, you dope.

Oh right. Yep.

Ah, no Tommy no. No more tuxedo alley football.

That's insane. Please Tommy.

No human being would ever say "Leave your stupid comments in your pocket."

That doesn't translate from whatever the hell your from's language.

Puppet master.

Come to us.

We'll reimburse you for a cab!

Was I snoring? Uh sorry I was snoring folks.

I have a ticket on the morning train to Calais.

Yes?

Is there any other train leaving tonight?

One without Joe Biden on it please?

Not to.

To anywhere! Please!

Well there's the night train to Marsailles. At two o five.

Hmm. Someone threw a ... up there. What? Distracting.

A ticket please. Quickly.

Why the change in plans?

Give my the blasted ticket!

Okay?

Aww it's cute when a beta male pretends to be aggressive.

Yeah.

It was at this moment he saw his future as traveling Fuller brush salesman.

Does the bag contain puppets monsieur?

Uh no. Why do you ask?

Just something we have to ask everyone.

Such filth is not allowed on our trains.

Heh heh. No. No puppets.

Bon Soir

Welcome aboard monsieur.

Any seat that you would like.

These here in the first two cars.

Yes thank you.

Can you please tell me.

Have you seen two strange men and a young dark haired woman?

Duck haired woman? How can you miss that?

Perhaps you were misinformed.

Yes. Perhaps. Thank you.

Hey it's Poirot! Sitting on the right there.

Really?

Really Bill?

That's Poirot?

Yeah Jeff Poirot. Hercule's brother. He's a haberdasher.

Jeff Poirot.

Jeff Poirot baby!

Wow.

I don't care if anyone sees my puppets.

As long as they don't notice my Hello Kitty thong.

Can't wait to smoke this!

The cameraman balancing on a teetertotter?

Well it's the quiet car.

But it doesn't say anything about it being the pants required car.

Danny DeVito? Oh it's just that puppet.

Yeah.

Man. The Hogwart's local is depressing.

Can't even buy puke beans.

And where are they? Relative to the human passengers?

Hey none of your business audience!

I'm nearby! Maybe.

Okay Ann Landers, whatcha got?

Okay Ann Landers, whatcha got? Go for three.

Hi. Bob "not a mummy". Can I help you?

Ugh. Man.

At this rate we're covering about ten feet of train car per minute?

Not a good sign for Act Three.

No. We're invisible! Apparently.

Whoo. This is so boring I'd honestly welcome one of the

creepy CGI Tom Hanks from The Polar Express.

Yeah at least the uncanny valet makes you feel dread

and revulsion rather than you know. Tired.

Revenge? No no no. We're just looking for the dining car.

Well. Every now and then you just hallucinate a tiny

Mr. Clean out of the corner of your eye.

Happens to everyone.

Very common.

Hey dudes. Anyone got any Vidal Sasoon styling mousse? I just ran out.

Hey Moron! It's supposed to be 1902. And you're french!

Uh madame and monsieur, have you, how you say styling mousse?

Hey you suck!

I know.

You know that's true guys.

I agree.

Yes he's using his skeleton key. Nope, nope.

Yep. Understood.

Shut it down.

It's not blood lust. Those Medicaid reimbursement

rates just get him so riled up!

Starting to think this train scene is worse than the BAND Train.

Oh Mike. Don't say something you can't take back.

That's true.

Wow he loves his work. Bless him.

It is I who sent the dream.

The one where you're nude in 7th grade math class.

Also the weird one last night.

Come forward.

Let her go.

I won't let her go. But I might let her go.

You have seen what this hand can do?

Come on. Anyone can flip the bird to Greg Sestero mummy guy.

Come forward.

Is this what you want?

This hastily wrapped summer sausage?

Secrets?

... has no secrets.

It is a possession you take.

Born in a black fire of beginning of time.

His secrets.

My rodeo tricks will distract them.

How do you know that this is the only copy.

You've not had time to make another.

Mummies. They don't know about Kinko's.

That must be a comfort to you in hell.

In hell.

Had to repeat myself this time. Come on, get it together Roger!

I thought we'd stopped doing that!

Well no one told me.

Psst. For a nickel I'll stop strangling you.

Grrrrrr! Help oh great god Sutek!

I'm in the shower!

Just a word from you!

I will deal with this later!

Fight scenes. best if they're dark, confusing and sleepy quiet.

No! don't scratch my Ray Bans!

I've kept them nice for like two thousand years!

Is he Carradining?

Arrr rar rar rar rar!

That poor woman's thinking, "Man! If I'd just gone to see the

Ice Capades instead, I'd be home in bed with a good book right now."

Just gonna nip this skin tag off as long as I've got you here.

So the mummies can just say "die" and you'll die immediately.

But. They're pretty helpless against a weak guy flailing at them and

tiny dolls kind of harassing them.

Breaking glass. Another well known mummy power.

Leave Father Guido Sarducci alone you jerk!

Also when you punch a dust-filled mummy,

it sounds like slapping a head of cabbage with a steel ruler.

Mummy facts!

Wow. That was really unimpressive.

Oh now he's gonna come over here now.

Ah crap here he comes.

My friends, mission accomplished.

We have made a truly terrible movie.

Are you alright?

I'm not quite sure.

Kiss her or I will! Me too!

Don't be afraid of them.

Yes they're made to look like grotesque murderers from hell and you just

saw them slaughter a few guys. But come on don't be a chicken.

I want to understand.

Who are you? Or should I say what?

Not what. Just who.

When you first met me, I was no more than what you saw.

Just a puppeteer.

Then I became something more.

Ugh. He does go on.

I've always said, at the beginning of my performances, we live in a world

of magic, of gods and of monsters.

Then are we Gods Phil?

I guess so, Chuck! Sweet.

I even knew what I was.

I wanted magic.

I went out looking for it that night.

And you found it.

Very disappointing I know.

Now I'm the guardian of that secret.

And they are the secret.

Yep. Cult new age book, The Secret boils down to

Get Yourself an Army of Demon Puppets!

Should I be afraid?

I was. Somehow.

Somehow I overcame it.

Somehow.

This is WAY better than being human. Thanks.

Real treat.

I'm afraid I've been rude.

I haven't made the proper introductions.

Ilsa, this is Cyclops.

I will eat your liver.

Blade.

Drill Sergeant.

Dr Death.

Chiropractor to be honest.

And Six Shooter.

They are my very dear friends.

Oh how nice. Help! Police!

I'm very pleased to meet you all.

Very pleased.

Ah ha! A train coming OUT of a tunnel

which symbolizes that they, didn't have sex.

No way.

And I've hated trains ever since.

Very pleased.

Jackie Coogan, got something to say?

You want to know what happened to Cyclops?

And the others.

Well my friends.

Eee ee! Jamo!

Well I will tell you at another time.

I see it's morning.

The rain has stopped.

We should be in Switzerland by lunchtime.

Safe at last.

With our nazi gold.

Well. As the weirdly sentimental music

fades us out of this murdery puppet movie, we'll say good bye.