All language subtitles for Leverage S05E14 The Toy Job

[ Clock ticking ]

[ Computer beeps ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

[ Computer beeps ]

[ Clacking continues ]

[ Computer beeps ]

[ Alarm blaring ]

[ Clock ticking ]

[ Keypad beeps ]

All units, please respond
to a possible intruder

In the research department.

[ Blaring continues ]

This product is the result

Of years of research
and development.

Everyone at the company

Is convinced the stock price
is going to soar.

[ Christmas music playing ]

A toy?

Chubby snubby.

I was the exec
overseeing its safety report,

Which came back with a level
three choking hazard rating.

But I refused to cook the books,
so hazlit fired me.

Hazlit?

Trent hazlit,
c.e.o. Of poggio toys.

And he's not worried
about lawsuits?

Hazlit does cost-benefits
for everything.

And the deaths of a few kids
is an acceptable risk

In the name of profit.

Well, he is awfully cute.

Not so cute
when a kid swallows its nose

And it swells up
to the size of a pomegranate.

Hazlit buried
the chubby snubby report

So he could launch
before christmas.

All the toys
are at retail warehouses

Waiting for the announcement
at the pacific toy expo.

We're looking at a ticking bomb.

Don't let this thing hit
the market, mr. Ford -- please.

[ Computer beeps ]

Trent hazlit -- c.e.o.
Of global toy giant poggio toys.

Now, the days of the colorful
family toy exec are long gone.

Nowadays, companies bring in
these wall street wolverines

Who couldn't care less
about kids or toys.

All they care about
is branding and stock growth.

Well, where'd hazlit come from?

-One guess.
-Santa's workshop.

-No. [ Chuckles ]
-doughnuts.

No. And that's two guesses.
Stop playing.

He comes from
defense contracting.

20 Years ago, he was selling
rpgs and anti-aircraft weaponry

To both latin-american dictators

And the rebel groups
that opposed them.

-I hate arms dealers.
-Yeah.

Now, nine years ago,
he takes over poggio toys,

Moves the manufacturing
overseas,

He lowered safety standards,

And he buried
class-action suits.

Okay, uh, what's security like?

He's using the same m.o.
As he did when he sold weapons.

He's using double-walled rooms.

He's locking away toy designs
at the end of every shift.

He's changing codes daily.

Uh, safety report?

It's digital. It's kept
in a special server,

Which is locked
in a special safe,

Which is held
in a special server room.

-Parker?
-A boylan-kim 53-11.

Just have to drill it --
no problem.

Okay, so, we'll steal
the safety report,

Release it to the public,

Then hazlit
is gonna have to spike

The chubby snubby dog launch.

Let's do it.

[ Sighs ]

I-i'm saying that we --

Uh, I think we went overboard
on christmas gifts last year.

[ Sighs ]

Nate,
I love my ecosse motorcycle

From last christmas --
compliments of my santa-baby.

[ Drill whirring ]

You spent $100,000
on a motorcycle?

Don't hate the gift.
Hate the elf.

I do hate the elf.

[ Whirring continues, stops ]

So, are you saying

[Exhales sharply]
no christmas presents at all?

Not even something small?

No gifts.

But [scoffs]

How are we supposed to do
christmas without any presents?

Let's just put a limit
on spending.

Say...$1,000 A--

[ Clears throat ]

-$100 A--
-[ clears throat ]

-50 Bucks a person.
-Mm.

Fine, whatever.

[ Dial clicking ]

[ Door opens ]

I'm in.

[ Beeping ]

[ Cellphone beeping ]

Okay. Downloading now.

And...i got it.

Three minutes to seal up, and
he'll never know we were here.

Yeah, he doctored the data.

And the american safety
association of pediatricians

Is giving it five stars!

Yeah, I thought that was weird.

Yeah, they're a bunch
of retired doctors

Based out of guam with
no standing in the business.

I'm sure they're
on hazlit's payroll.

Shouldn't somebody
be regulating this stuff?

Want to know who regulates
toy safety in this country?

The toy companies.

What about government?

Consumer product safety
commission. They try.

They're a solid
government agency,

But safety studies
are voluntary,

So certain companies
just won't take that risk

Because if a toy
is found hazardous,

They have to make it public.

Yeah, unless you buy
some doctors in guam.

I appreciate you trying.

Wait, wait, wait.

Mr. Marris, listen --
this isn't over.

It isn't.

Now, we are not gonna
let that toy get released.

I don't think you know
who you're up against.

Trent hazlit
is a corporate hitman --

He's capable of anything.

You realize that without that
safety study, we got nothing.

-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.

So, why'd you promise him that?

Because we are not gonna
let that toy get released.

We're gonna steal christmas.

No, the trojan horse won't work.

We'd have to sell hazlit
a toy company

So filled
with financial liability

That it bankrupts him before
the launch of chubby snubby.

Exactly. We just bait him
with a new hit toy.

But the launch is in three days.

We don't have time
to create a whole new toy.

Ah, that's why hardison
is finding us some failed toys

That already exist.

Yeah, this is second run of fun.

It's a third-party
toy distributor

That sells failed toys to
bolivia and the sudan in bulk.

They also sell those
super bowl "loser" t-shirts.

Now, check this out --
they got tsa security screener,

Whirlie-glee-glee, homeless
mother and daughter doll set.

These are toys.

And this is my favorite --
sir boat-a-lot.

You pull his arm,
and he gives you a sailing tip.

Go back, uh,
to the turny thing. Just --

-The whirlie-glee-glee?
-Yeah.

This thing was supposed to
do figure eights.

It barely did a figure one.

Sold 1,100 units.

I actually think
I had one as a kid.

Well, it's bland enough
to slip through the cracks

But quirky enough to seem novel.

So, we just have to get
the kids to go crazy

For a toy
that was once considered junk.

Mm. Well, a toy craze
is like a con --

You just got to convince someone
they want something

That they didn't know
they wanted.

In this case, it's preschoolers.

So, when is this thing
shipped to africa?

In 39 hours.

Okay, well, we got to get our
hands on the, uh -- the, uh --

Whirlie-glee-glee?

Whirlie-glee-glee
before it's gone-gone.

Right.

[ Click ]

Hmm.

Who in the hell would
give this thing to a child?

It's not a thing.

It is a doll,
and kids love dolls.

It ain't no doll. That's
some old, voodoo witchcraft,

And I don't want it
up in lucille.

You know what? What if I said
that about the flashy kicks

You've been giving me lately?

Hey, they are awesome.
They make you shiny and fast.

Okay, this thing, no kid should
ever be subjected to -- ever.

[ Sighs ]

[ Camera shutter clicks,
cellphone beeps ]

-Nate, you see this?
-Oh.

Guys, it doesn't matter
what toy parker picks.

Anything can be sold.

Eliot's right. It's just
a mass-marketing con game,

And it's about
creating wildfire buzz

Like the modern-art world
or the movie business.

Any crappy product --

Wha-- baby joy rage
is not crappy.

-It's crappy.
-Any misunderstood product

Can make billions as long
as it has the right buzz.

We just got to get that thing
on hazlit's radar.

J.i.c. Says the kids will clock
the mutt in at 88.6% satisfied.

-[ Chuckles ]
-the what, sir?

The j.i.c. --
Jubilation index calculator.

New app I developed.

Just take a pic of the item.

Boom -- the thing registers
the toy's gross market

And franchise potential

Vis-à-vis the kid's hand size,
age, and ethnicity.

88.6 is 4 points higher
than trampy...what's-her-face?

-Damsel judy.
-[ Sighs ]

Still don't know how dads
let their girls near that thing.

But, hey, the little tramp

Earned us $24 million
last year, right?

Hazlit has a vise-grip
on retail giant joylandia's

Premium shelf space.

Companies fight
to the death each year

For the best shelf space
in stores.

And that kind of contract
gets re-upped here at this expo.

All right, sophie,
you're the new competition.

Get that contract.

End caps, action alleys,
interactive kiosks --

I want it all because
this toy is gonna be massive.

[ Chuckles ]

You don't know how many reps
tell me that, miss...ronder.

Well, unlike them,
I'm not guessing.

I never guess. I have
a 95% sell-through rate.

Listen -- I'm telling you,
this toy is a hit.

I'm staying at the lamy.

-Oh!
-Oh, pardon me.

Excuse me. [ Laughs ]

Hey. Trent.
How the hell are you?

Good, gil. Who was that?

Oh, mimi ronder.

New toy rep
with a ton of charm --

And a great pair
of legs.

She's bidding on joylandia's
premium shelf space?

[ Laughs ]

You don't have a thing
to worry about, trent, old boy.

You always come up
with the highest bid.

You know hazlit's
just gonna outbid us

-For that shelf-space package.
-Ah, that's fine.

That bid was just
to get on his radar.

Now comes the hard part --

Getting the kids of america
to love a toy they never wanted.

Ah, we just got to find
the right place

To start a viral toy craze.

Now, I ran algorithms
on all the portland zip codes

To find the most likely nexus
for a social-buzz epidemic.

These hub agents are the most
influential family areas.

Families who start fads. Good.

Right. Now, they're all
connected to different groups,

But they have one thing
in common.

[ Computer beeps ]

Ah, a weekly farmer's market.

So, I figure
we go set up a booth,

-Start a grassroots-type craze.
-Perfect.

I get a vendor's license
to sell the toy.

-We can --
-ehh, I don't think so.

So...no to the farmer's market?

Yes to the farmer's market.
No to selling the toy there.

-We're not?
-No, we're gonna do something

Much more effective
than selling.

These look great.

That's fine.

Look, it's happy.

Aw, it's not so happy,
but then it's happy again.

It changes moods.
It's pretty cool, right?

No?

Hey! Here, take it --
it's free.

Thank you.

Tell your friends!

Free toys! Yeah!

[ Children cheering ]

Hey, hey.

[ Chuckling ] there you are.
All right. Huh?

There you go, buddy. Good?

Nate, it seems to be working.

The drug-dealer approach --
you for real?

First taste is free.

Word spreads,
keeps them coming back for more.

Now, we got to get that toy
in the hands of a tastemaker.

You know, the people that
tell other people what to buy.

And you know who the most
influential tastemakers are?

Celebrities.

[ Laughs ] I got one.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

This is pre-teen sandy matteo.

She's from that show
"sandy's school times."

She's got a major fan base --
major.

An endorsement from this girl's
gonna give us a tsunami of hype.

What? No! There is no way.

It is three points
on the gross, or --

Okay, or I fire your ass --

The harold shuckersan agency
shrivels up and dies!

[ Purse thuds ]

[ Sighs ]
[ cellphone beeps ]

[ Sighs ]
where the hell are my clothes?!

It's impossible to
find anything in these
giant totes, isn't it?

You know, I almost
lost my shih tzu in mine.

[ Laughs ]

No. No, no.
That's disgusting.

What's yours, hmm? A gucci?

It's an original erin walter --
not on the market yet.

Ohh.

You're sandy matteo, right?

You're marvelous, darling!

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Sandy matteo now loves
and endorses baby joy rage.

You know what, man?

I could actually make
a second career as a paparazzo.

All right, great. Let's get
that endorsement out there.

Got you. I am currently
embedding matteo's photos

On 23 different sites --

Teen blog pages, game portals,
toy blogs -- you name it.

I even got celebrities
tweeting about it.

Man, if there is a kid
who does not know

What this toy is by next week,

They're probably being
homeschooled somewhere

Under a rock.

Okay, next step is scarcity.

All right, we got to
make it feel like

Every mom and dad in the country

Can't get their hands
on this toy.

Got it.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

I was just wondering if
you might, by any chance,

Have one of those
baby joy rage -- no, "joy rage."

It's a doll.

Okay. Well, yeah, I --

[ Telephone clicks, dial tone ]

Zachary.
I need more conviction.

What's the most important thing

For an actor to remember
in character?

-Your lines.
-No -- desire.

What do you want, zachary?

What does the character want?

The toy.

Why do you want it, zachary?

-To make my child happy?
-No.

You want that toy
so that your child

Will sit still
for a couple of seconds

And give you some peace
and quiet

So you can finally open
that delicious bottle of merlot

That you've been dreaming about
since 10:00 a.m. This morning.

[ Sighing ] god.

You get me.

-When I win my first oscar...
-Mm.

...i'm gonna name it after you,
ms. Devereaux.

I'm gonna thank everyone,
and then I'm gonna say,

-"This is not an oscar..."
-Mnh-mnh.

-"...it's a devereaux."
-Okay, zachary.

Right.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Telephone beeps ]

Hello. Yes.

I need
this baby joy rage doll.

"Baby joy rage."

Yeah, my kid has been
going crazy for this thing.

All of his friends
have one,

And my wife has made me
drive to the store three times

Just to see if it's in yet.

Pantani!

You wanted to see me, sir?

What the hell is this?

Sandy matteo
is plugging this doll?

I thought she had
an exclusive with us --

-On the mini-skirt dancer hoop.
-Well, I'll look into it.

And customer relations
is saying we're getting calls

Asking if we own the doll,

Wanting to know
when it's gonna be released.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, well, look at this.

That toy rep I saw.

Oh, oh, she is a naughty,
naughty girl.

Okay, I want a sit-down
with gil barton at joylandia

A.s.a.-Freaking-p.

And I want
the media saturation numbers

On this demon doll before
the end of business today.

Come on! Chop-chop! Let's move!

Baby joy rage's media saturation
number's hovering around 62%.

It's not enough.

We need it to be at least 89%.

Santa's little helper here
is right -- the doll's a bust.

Whirlie stupid thing
would have done worse.

And you're an expert
on this because?

-Guys.
-Because I was there.

-It spoke to me.
-It spo to you?

Yes, it reminded me of a toy

My social worker used to
make me do exercises with.

Are you kidding me with that?

Oh, like you always do
what you're supposed to?

-This is stupid.
-Guys, just settle down.

Wait a minute. Exercises --
what kind of exercises?

Identifying emotions
or something like that.

And what do you feel here?

Anger.

And this girl
with an ice-cream cone?

More anger.

And these happy folks
at the beach?

Actually, this one may be...

Definitely anger.

That's it. That's it.
It's obvious.

We can't con a 6-year-old.

You know who we can con?

Their parents.

Okay, so, hardison,
you get on that lecture thing.

Eliot, you get on the mommies.

And he doesn't mean that
literally.

-That joke is never funny.
-It's always funny.

No. It's not, hardison.
Comedy's about timing,
and you don't have it!

Do we really think parents
are gonna bite on this?

Uh, yeah. What do you think
parents are most afraid of?

-Clowns.
-No.

-Evil clowns?
-No, parker.

Crazy clowns called
geegee who whisper your
name from under your bed?

No. No, parents are most afraid
that their kids

Aren't gonna be successful --
that they're somehow

Not gonna be able
to compete with other kids.

They're gonna be left behind --

That's what
they're most afraid of.

So, we pitch the doll
as a developmental tool,

And the child uses it
to access their emotions

And become more socially aware.

Absolutely. This is gonna work.
And if they don't buy it,

They run the risk
of the kid being a misfit

And living in the basement
until he's 40.

We need a name for the new
toy -- and a good name. Uhh...

Not crazy geegee.

Uh, no. Umm...

Baby feels-a-lot.

Wait -- wait, what? What?

"Baby feels-a-lot."

I feel a lot. You feel a lot.
We all feel a lot.

And it's okay to feel a lot,

As long as you
use your words, right?

Sophie devereaux.

Isn't this...
I don't know, wrong --

Messing with christmas presents,
playing with parents' fears?

I mean, don't you feel
just a little bit guilty

Given the holiday?

Mm, no.

-I do.
-Why?

Because.

Parker, why is that people give
each other christmas presents?

To be nice.

No, because
they're being programmed

By these giant corporations
that do all this research

To figure out how to push these
psychological buttons in people

To make them
get these presents, right?

Make no mistake,
what we're doing

Is we're manipulating fears
and making these toys,

All of it.

This -- this...is christmas.

Yeah.

Let's get to work.

Children are unable
to communicate

The way they once did.

We have taken away their need
for cognitive thought process,

Their yearning for communiqué,
if you will.

But I'm here to tell you that
that is all about to change

Because we are bringing you
a new toy to the marketplace.

Please allow me to present
baby feels-a-lot.

Now children will be able
to once again communicate

On a humane level.

They will be able to learn how
to be emotionally articulate.

Are they happy?

Are they sad? Are they mad?

It is because we, as adults,

Know that fun
is the work of childhood,

And toys are the tools that
we use to accomplish that work.

Thank you.

All right, cut.

Dude, how do you
come up with this crap?

I studied
early-childhood development.

Look, man, video's done.

I make it seem like
I'm talking to hundreds,

Upload it to the blogger-mom
sites, we're good to go.

-Dude, the blogger moms?
-Yes, blogger moms.

They talk about parenthood,
schools, life at home.

Look, you get one of these sites
to endorse you,

Your toy's gonna go viral --
trust me.

[ Computer beeps ]

-That's a blogger mom?
-Uh, chardonnay mom?

Yeah, that's
allie stanbrook, man.

She runs one of the top
blogger sites in the nation.

She's local, too -- pdx, baby.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

All right, look, listen to me,

If I'm gonna do this,
all right, I want to --

I want to be tough dad.

You know what I mean? Cool dad.

Just enough to turn her head.

Don't go overboard on this.
Keep it simple.

You know, someone who's --
who's not afraid to make a pb&j,

Okay, but still wants to
go out in the yard, get dirty,

Kick the soccer ball around
a little bit --

Strict...but fair.

After my wife passed,
it was, uh...

It was very tough for me and my
son...dashiel...to communicate.

But...that's when baby
feels-a-lot came into our lives.

And, you know, listen,
don't get me wrong.

I'm one of those dads --

I had a problem with my son
playing with a doll.

-[ Chuckling ]
-yeah.

But...i'll tell you something --
it worked.

We were talking again.

Aww.

You know,
we were father and son.

And I felt the duty --
I had to get this out there.

I had to let the other dads know
what this product did for us.

So, I started a blog.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, my god.

Well, I know what it's like
to be left alone. [ Chuckles ]

I mean, after my divorce,
I was utterly gutted,

Went through
all the stages of grief.

It's what led me
to start blogging.

Hang in there, okay?

I will.

Honestly, I think
with you here, allie,

I might just be able
to hang on forever.

-Aww!
-Aww!

-Oh, carl.
-Oh.

Oh.

Well, not only
do you have my support,

But you have the support of
every blogger mom in the state.

Oh, thank you.
[ Laughs ]

Ladies?

I don't know who you are, lady,

But your latest move
with that doll,

Playing the smart-baby card?

Nicely done...

If this was 2004.

Smart babies
are so eight years ago.

Well-adjusted children
are so today.

In dallas last week, firemen
used a baby feels-a-lot

To coax a runaway child
down from a radio tower.

Do your toys save lives,
mr. Hazlit?

-Well, that is one smart baby.
-Hey, trent.

-Let's talk shelves.
-Let's.

Oh, mr. Barton. I'm so sorry.

I just have a few minutes
before my 3:15 at mattel.

So, if you could possibly --

[ Chuckling ] well...i don't
suppose old trent would mind,

Would you, son?

I mean, ladies first.

Ladies -- of course.

Okay, I've written
three months' worth of blogs

For our sensitive dad
over here.

I got prices for the braces,
dashiel's chess club --

You put in there
that we went to the super bowl?

Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, you even
met some of the players.

Now, what I was thinking --
tell me what you feel.

You guys go on, like,
a road trip cross-country,

You do a tour,
something like that.

Yeah, yeah. I like that.
I like that.

Or -- and I'm just gonna
put this out there --

What if I took him on a tour

Of all the ballparks
in america, hardison, huh?

Or maybe took him
to the opera or the moon, huh?

A little sarcasm?
A little sarcasm?

You know, believable
father-and-son stuff!

Will you guys --
a little focus, please.

Look at the picture
he used, man!

Hey! Hey! Excuse me, man.

I'm sorry if this kind of
writing opens me up creatively.

I'm usually stuck looking
at binary codes all day.

Maybe I was writing the father
that I wanted one day, okay?

M-- what's the problem with
getting emotionally butt naked?

-Whoa.
-Oh, please, don't.

I'm just trying
to share my feelings on paper.

We don't want to see that.
No, please. Please, don't.

Now, listen, hardison,

I'm very happy with
your creativity and everything,

But what I want to know is,
what do you have

On the blogger moms about eliot?

Oh, what did the mamas say?

Oh, what are they saying
about the sensitive dad?

[ Keyboard clacking ]

I got something for you.
I got something for your ass.

Boom. Chardonnay mama.
She cute, though.

-Ain't she fine?
-She is.

Look what she says.

[ High-pitched ] "oh, this week,
I was introduced

"To an amazing new toy
called baby feels-a-lot,

"Thanks to a gentleman
who couldn't be a more kind,

More handsome, or
more sensitive single dad."

You don't deserve none of that.

Now, how are we doing
with the toy's popularity?

Saturation indexes are ticking
up 'cause I did my job.

[ Computer beeps ]
all right.

Sophie, what's hazlit up to?

[ Both laugh ]

Well, if you're really serious,

I mean, our next retreat's
gonna be in tahoe.

Oh, tahoe -- count me in.

[ Chuckles ]
don't tease me, gil.

I am so flattered
that you asked me.

-Excuse me, sir?
-[ Chuckles ]

Oh, excuse me, mimi.

If I had a nickel for every
deal memo I had to sign.

Oh, no problem, gil.

It's been such a pleasure
talking to you.

Next year, you and me --
kite surfing, tahoe.

[ Both laugh ]

-Tahoe? Great.
-[ Sighs ]

What the hell's going on here?

What are you talking about?

It's all over the expo.
Little miss high heels there

Is bidding
on the premium shelf space --

Days before
my chubby snubby launch.

I don't think
I like your tone, trent.

I'll call you later.

You have my number.

I got yours.

-Hi.
-Merry christmas!

Merry -- ohh, you're grumpy.
[ Chuckles ]

Merry christmas!

A little worried, mr. Hazlit?

[ Chuckles ] 1989.

"1989"?

25 Macheted contras wanting
to gut me navel-to-chin

In the honduran rain forest --
then, I was worried.

This? This is nothing.

But I earned
the contras' respect,

And they taught me one thing.

I'm all ears.

"Plata o plomo."

"Silver or lead."

Exactly.

Take a bribe, the silver,
or you get a bullet, the lead.

Those are gonna be barton's
options in the next few minutes.

Behind door number one --
$80,000 in cash.

Take a peek inside
for the lead.

Pictures of barton's
last trip to cabo --

Pictures the missus
doesn't want to see.

Which do you think
he's gonna choose?

You play dirty, hazlit.

Well, you have no idea.

And without joylandia,
your baby feel-me-up

With all her little feelings

That make the kiddies
so emotionally articulate --

You know what happens to it?

Poof. Bye-bye.

Hazlit is blackmailing barton
to try and nix my shelf space.

And he thinks
it's turning me on.

[ Gags ]
the guy is a menace.

He's a menace.
So, we become more of a menace.

Hardison, how are we on sales?

Umm...
[ Keyboard clacks ]

Well, the blogs in sophie's
theater group pimp the demand,

But the parents are buying 52%
of their holiday gifts

On the internet.

Okay, so, we have to up baby
feels-a-lot's online appeal.

-Yeah, presales.
-Yes.

And then when the sales
go through the roof,

Hazlit is gonna want to buy in.

So, we set up a meeting
with him and the owner of...

Lucky beans toys.

Yes, me.

-All right.
-What?

Nothing.

Okay?

Well, it's just...
I was talking to parker,

And, I mean, we're a little down
about christmas.

We think...we're...

Kind of ruining the holiday
or something.

Hardison,
christmas was pre-ruined.

You know how it began?

[ Gasps ] no. Shh.

Yeah, it was a fat guy
in a chimney.

Christmas began as a pagan,
pre-roman feast

Involving the sacrifice
of children.

Ho-ho-ho.

Is he serious?

I mean, dang, I feel like
I just got sucker-punched

By an elf-hating,
scrooge-loving,

No-gift-giving anti-claus.

I mean, am I bleeding?

Little bit.

Sir, this baby feels-a-lot craze
isn't going away.

What do you mean? We killed it.

Well, the toy's generating
so much buzz

That it's already ranked 5th on
the npd charts for web presales.

Ahead of chubby snubby?

Two days max
before it hits the top spot.

People are pre-ordering it
like crazy,

And it hasn't even hit
a single store shelf yet.

It's just gone viral, boss.

I want a sit-down with this
baby feels-so-hot woman,

And I want it now.

Go.

So, you take away
baby feels-a-lot's shelf space

And then take me out for drinks.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Maybe I was wrong...

Underestimating
baby feels-a-lot.

Oh?

I'm a sensible businessman.

Let me meet the owner.

You be my back channel.

Maybe you and I can...
Do business.

What's in it for me?

You make a move on baby
feels-a-lot, I'm out of a job.

Quarter-point of the gross
on the deal --

Compensates you well.

Enticing, but...i have to
warn you about earl greipal,

The owner of lucky beans.

He's -- well, let's say
he's somewhat eccentric,

And he's very hostile
to selling his company.

Most of these indie toy guys
are frigging nuts --

That is, until they see
the number of zeroes

I put on a check.

Half a point of the gross,
$21k as a finder's fee,

And a v.p. Position at poggio
toys -- that's what I want.

God, you're good.

Deal.

By the way, you available?

No, I'm married.

You see,
I didn't ask you that.

Let's stick to business
for now, trent.

"For now."

[ Chuckles ]

Hazlit's on the hook
for baby feels-a-lot.

Damn, girl,
you were right all along.

That toy does have legs.

[ Laughs ] and you doubted me
just like the rest of them.

Me? No.

I would -- I wouldn't do that.

[ Cellphone speed-dials ]

Mm-hmm. Yep.
[ Clears throat ]

Hello. Lucky bean toys?

This is charlotte gerrard,
fire chief.

Our machines
detected a severe gas leak

In one of your
company buildings.

Yes, that's the one --
the one you have.

That company building.

Yes.

Yes, you need to evacuate
everyone immediately.

I said "everyone"!

[ Cellphone beeps ]

-Think that'll do it?
-Yeah, it should.

Yeah. I think I scared her
a little bit. Did you jump?

-You scared me.
-Jumpy.

Well, while I'm baffled --

Delighted by the sudden interest
in my toy,

Money is not why I designed
baby feels-a-lot.

No.

I did it for my son,
nestor, yes...

Who is now in federal prison.

Oh?

Yes, it was a nasty episode

Involving horses
and men from tacoma.

Doctors attribute it to
nestor's difficulty growing up,

Having emotions,
frustration, anger issues.

-I see.
-Mr. Greipal has often said

That he wished that there had
been a toy like baby feels-a-lot

During nestor's
developmental years.

I wish there had been a toy
like baby feels-a-lot

During nestor's
developmental years.

Ah, different times.

So, mr. Hazlit,
you know, experts --

They can look at data
or color schematics

About what children
supposedly like or don't like.

But really what they should do
is they should...

They should look inside
at the child inside themselves.

That's what we intend to do with
baby feels-a-lot, mr. Greipal.

We have an excellent
track record --

Yes, okay,
but the child within me

Is saying that
what you intend to do

Is ship nestor's toy
off to china

And turn it into some sort
of emotional abomination.

You haven't heard my offer.

Well, I'm afraid that no matter
how generous your offer is...

...the answer is no.

Okay. Fine.

[ Sighs ]

You ask me, geppetto in there

Wants to navel-gaze
for the next 10 years,

Not sell his company.

Look, you make a very fast,
very large offer

Before this craze goes nuts,
and I promise you he'll bite.

He's odd, yes,
but he's not stupid.

I know that you corporate guys
like to move slowly, you know,

While lawyers
poke around for months,

But if greipal gets hinky,
this thing is all over.

Give me the sample
of the toy.

I want to run a safety study.

Well, don't we just fudge
the safety numbers down the road

If we have to?

Ohh, we could be
so great together.

I'll overnight an expedited
study -- my company's license.

Whatever the results, call me
tomorrow with greipal's price.

[ Sighs ]

I'll be as gentle
as if I was holding your --

Don't...say it.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I need this expedited a.s.a.p.

Tell wiggins
it's for trent hazlit,

And I want the 12-hour
turnaround for poggio.

Manufacturing license
and medallion?

It's all...right in there.

Hazlit?

-Mm?
-Good news.

I have a figure for you.

He was a bit hesitant
at first, but I --

Let me stop you.
I have no interest

In buying the doll
or mr. Greipal's company.

-Why not?
-Only reason I did

The safety study
was to get the toy's specs.

What for?

To release a knock-off
that'll undercut

The baby feels-a-lot's
price point by 40%.

In fact, I plan to mention
baby happy mad -- nice, huh? --

This afternoon
at my press conference

For chubby snubby dog.

So, thanks for the free buzz.

Your knock-off
will never replace

The real baby feels-a-lot.

Listen, darling...

I got three floors
of highly paid fungineers

Who are already amping up the
happiness factor on that doll

Like you would not believe.

Mr. Greipal might make toys
with love on the inside,

But mine are made
with petroleum-based plastics

And the blood, sweat, and tears
of third-world 11-year-olds.

You can't beat it.

So, come on, help me celebrate.

You are a --

The male version of you.

Come on.

Who doesn't dream
of dating themselves, right?

[ Sighs ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

"Chubby snubby is the future
of our company."

"Chubby snubby is the future
of our company."

Can you feel the energy
out there, sir?

This is gonna be big.
"The energy out there."

It's not about the energy
out there.

It's about the energy in here.

-This is about trent hazlit.
-Oh, right, right.

So, go out there and give them
a big, old bag of trent.

[ Chuckles ]

Shut up.
[ Clears throat ]

There he is.
Mr. Hazlit! Mr. Hazlit!

I'll take questions
after the launch celebration.

So, you're treating
this chubby snubby toy dog

Recall as a celebration?

Recall?
What are you talking about?

Well, surely there will be
a recall after the government

Released the failed safety study
this morning.

Government?
[ Feedback squeals ]

I never submitted any study
to the government.

I need this expedited a.s.a.p.

Tell wiggins
it's for trent hazlit,

And I want the 12-hour
turnaround for poggio.

Manufacturing license
and medallion?

It's all...right in there.

Want to know who regulates
toy safety in this country?

-The toy companies.
-What about government?

Consumer product safety
commission. They try.

They're a solid
government agency,

But safety studies
are voluntary,

So certain companies
just won't take that risk

Because if a toy
is found hazardous,

They have to make it public.

-Can I help you?
-Hi.

I need an expedited, overnight

Government safety inspection
of this.

Mm-hmm.

Relevant forms,
my signature.

And make sure to run it
through your strictest,

Most rigorous tests.

Okay.

[ Indistinct talking ]

Everything okay, carl?

Your call sounded like
something was wrong.

No, actually, a fan of mine
sent me this safety study,

And I find it very alarming.

I think that we should
get this out there,

And we should let
the parents know about it.

Is there any way that you could,
uh, maybe help me with that?

-Oh, my god.
-Yeah.

Okay.
We are so all over this.

-Okay. Thank you so much.
-Mm.

What the hell's going on here?

Do you care to comment
on the recall, sir?

No, I don't care to comment.

I have no idea
what happened here.

[ Clears throat ]

I am gonna sue your ass,
hazlit!

Who did this to me?

I can't believe you did it.

I wish there were more people
like you out there.

-You did it, mr. Marris.
-Yeah.

Without you,
hazlit would still be around.

I was just doing my job.

Well, speaking of jobs,

The chief examiner's
looking for a new analyst.

Chief examiner?

For the consumer product
safety commission.

When he found out
that he could hire the guy

That took down hazlit,
he jumped at it.

I-i don't know what to say.
[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]
I can't thank you enough.

W-- merry christmas.

Merry christmas.

Promise me those things
will never hit store shelves.

Nah, I'm keeping them
all to myself.

I've got them lined up
in my warehouse

Like an army of joy and rage.

You don't ever want to be
in that warehouse alone.

[ Chuckles ] ever.

I think it's really sad that
we're so cynical about gifts.

I used to [sighs]
I loved christmas as a child.

Yeah, well,
nothing's genuine anymore.

That's not true. No.
I've been thinking about this.

And you know what is genuine?
Trust.

-Trust?
-Yes, trust.

[ Chuckles ]

I think -- no, seriously.

I think we should give each
other some trust for christmas.

What, like that willow exercise

Where you fall back
and someone catches you?

No, not like that.

Good, because I did that once,
and I dropped the person,

And they had to get stitches.

Still hurts.

I know.

I just think that, well,

We've been through
so much together, all of us,

And we should give
each other something
really personal this year,

Like, um, I don't know,
a story or a secret.

-No, come on.
-[ Clears throat ]

Bear with me, please. Please.

Who's gonna go first?

Eliot.

All right.

When I was a kid...

I wanted a trumpet
one christmas.

[ Sighs ]

My father played sinatra
all the time,

And sinatra had this trumpet
player named "sweets" edison --

Harry "sweets" edison.
Great sound -- amazing.

I wanted to sound just like him,
you know?

Christmas rolled around, and,
uh, there was no trumpet --

Just a pack of,
uh, baseball cards.

Well, my father said that santa

Must have had
a rough year at the track.

So, there's...

Anyway, a couple of days later,

I wake up in my bed,
and at the foot of the bed is --

Is a trumpet.

I mean, it's all tarnished
and dinged up --

My dad probably rolled somebody
for it, but there it is.

And i, uh, I played that trumpet
every day for 10 years.

You know, I never --

I never, uh, ended up sounding
like "sweets" edison,

But...

So, I gave it to, um,

I gave it to sam...

On his 8th birthday.

And that was, um...

His, um, first trumpet lesson
was scheduled for the day,

As it turns out, that
he went into the hospital.

And I -- so, he...

I don't have anything left...

From my childhood,
but I did keep the trumpet.

I keep it on the boat.

Okay, who's next?

[ Slurps ]

[ Clears throat ]