All language subtitles for The Second Best Hospital in the Galaxy s01e01.eng

[beeping]

[sustained tone]

[Klak] She's coding.

- Let's slice her open.
- That's not procedure.

Procedure will kill her.

You might kill her.

- Wait.
- [groans]

Let me cross-reference my notes.

Notes? We just
watched her heart stop.

In the Aggle-ack
infestation of 6004,

Drs. Gint and Rogna
famously used a Sarin compound

to induce myoclonic seizures.

Meant nothing to me
in med school,

means nothing to me now.

Ooh, you're brilliant.

Ah.

[groans]

- This will cause convulsions.
- Which will squeeze it out.

If we're going
to break the rules,

let's make it count.

Wow, you really
just went for it.

Uh-oh, here comes my gill rash.

[sustained tone]

- [beeping]
- [both sigh]

Hi, there. I'm Dr. Klak,

and this is Dr. Sleech.

You're probably disoriented,

but the point is, we nailed it.

That's right,
you're gonna be just fine.

Oh, doctors, you saved my life.

- That's what we do.
- Yeah,

'cause you were definitely dead.

[chuckles]
Can you see my gill rash?

Not yet. Oh, there it goes.

♪ ♪

- [indistinct chatter]
- [Sleech] Oh, it's true.

Once a band is uploaded
to the Cloud,

all their music is
about living in the Cloud.

I miss when their songs
were about

wanting to be uploaded
to the Cloud.

Doctor, please help.
I'm half shorts.

I want my body back.

I'm half person.
I'm aware of my existence now.

Please, return me to silence.

[chuckles] Please return her
to my exam room.

I did not know
they were running shorts.

[chuckles] Workplace
teleportation accident.

I can separate them
surgically or...

Sure, if you're
trying to kill them.

Hi, Ovu. Why don't

you pop them in
the bio-synth splitter,

and take them out when
the shorts stop talking?

Then acid-wash the shorts
to get out the bloodstains.

If the patient
doesn't want them,

- I will take them.
- Anyway,

I know we don't
like their music anymore

since they can't
relate to the impermanence

of existence, but surely...

[romantic music plays]

- Dr. Sleech.
- Matt.

...but should we
go to their concert?

I already got us tickets.

[squeals]

Dr. Sleech, Dr. Klak,

no needle will pierce
this exoskeleton.

Frankly, I blame the patient.

Funny, Bognoth,
because I blame you.

[speaking alien language] Hello!
May I tickle you?

May thy web catch wet meat.

May wet meat rain upon us all.

Ah, thank goodness
we were both here.

Interns. Today's failures,
tomorrow's lawsuits.

Vlam seems smart.
She's an intern.

You remind me of 1,200 years ago

when I lived undercover
with a colony of rodents.

I was married to the Rat King.

Ah, great lover, great cook.

Really flexible tail.

Didn't see it coming
when I slit his throat

in the middle of the night
and overthrew his regime.

Oh, let's see.

[gasps] Based on your symptoms,

I'd say you're
preparing to molt.

[clucks]

Beautiful once more.

I'm excited to see
how she'll disappoint us.

[machine buzzes]

No.

[grunting]

[Matt] Dr. Sleech?

Want a snack?

I do.

Oh, ooh.

Oh, I get it. I'm the snack.

Well, there she goes.

[♪ Bob Crawford:
"In My Dreams"]

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ In my dreams ♪

♪ You'll always be
in my dreams ♪

♪ See you in my dreams ♪♪

[chuckles nervously]

[chitters]

[rodent squeals]

[sighs]

Klak. Klak's plants.

Whoa!

[relieved sigh]

- Doctors.
- [both exclaim]

I have asked you so many times
to wear a bell.

A case came in
this morning that only

two delusional narcissists would
attempt and, lo and behold,

they asked for you.

- Go on.
- In a fun way or, like, a weird way?

- This is Glurg.
- Hello.

This is Glurg's lump,

and this is the smiley face
we drew on Glurg's lump

to make it
less terminal-looking.

I helped myself
to some hoof sanders.

Nice to meet you, Glurg.
What are your symptoms?

I don't have any.
I'm very happy.

Mmm. No one's very happy.

Especially not Glurg.

She has a history
of severe anxiety.

We're going to insert
a nanobot into your ganglia

to gather biodata.

[Glurg] Ooh,
I love an insertion.

- You're gorgeous.
- You're incredible.

Incredible? Gorgeous?

Life-threatening parasite?

Like looking into a mirror.

Wait a second,

is that thing gonna
break open my head?

[both] Um...

[gasps]

[sighs]

Eh, sometimes heads break.

Glurg, you have
an anxiophagic parasite

that eats and
eradicates anxiety.

I've never seen anything
that eradicates anxiety.

Anxiety. That's where
I know you from.

You're the face of anxiety.

Your mom wrote all those books
about your broken brain.

♪ ♪

Thinking about my mom before
lunch makes it hard to digest.

Oh, God!

[grunts]

- No!
- What was that?

The third time you've
almost killed me this week.

Oh. Here comes my gill rash.

Ah, you're okay.

It only slightly
impacted your left eye.

[moans]

This parasite is behaving like
no organism I've ever seen.

Removing it will kill her.

If we leave it in there,
at its current rate of growth,

that head is going to...
Oh, what's the medical term?

Violently explode into
a geyser of wet skull chunks.

Either way, the patient dies.

That's exactly
what Dr. Azel said.

- Dr. Azel?
- Dr. Azel.

They told me
my hooves were in need

of professional grooming,
and then refused to treat me.

That's why I borrowed
your hoof thing-os.

Of course they did.

Their paychecks
come from Nebula General.

Brought to you by UniYum.

[announcer] UniYum,
it's Uni-licious.

Dr. Azel won't do anything

to upset their
corporate overlords.

Mm-hmm. Azel sure is terrible,

but I guess we have
to call them for a consult.

Klak, no. It's not worth it.

Please don't turn me in.

I came to you because I heard

you'll bend the rules
to help people.

For science, not kindness.

[parasite growling]

Yeah.

Well, time to make a call
we'll both regret.

[shouts]

So, do you want me
to draw a hat on the lump?

Dr. Klak, Dr. Sleech,
I have a ReStim patient

that needs a neurally
immersive awakening.

Nice try, sad eyes.

We have an urgent consult.

- Try Dr. Plowp.
- How can I help you?

Oh, don't worry, this
sadness doesn't belong to me.

[howls]

Our resident empath.

Hide your feelings.

Sounds good. I respect you both

as my mentors
and, as I am immortal,

I will be loyal to you
until your inevitable death.

Oh, they're brilliant,
aren't they?

I can feel your desire
to impress them.

It's overwhelming,
and a little scary.

Thank you.

Can you feel how nervous I am?

And how excited.

Would you like me to supervise
you going inside his brain

to wake up his senses?

No, I can handle it.

Sometimes you have
to just jump in,

like when I totally lost myself
in that hive mind.

I was so many people
for so long,

it took us a while
to put we back together.

Oh, I-I missed what you said.
I'm sorry.

There's a patient
dying down the hall.

But he feels good about it.
Oh, now he's terrified.

And he's gone.

Okay, you ready?

Every great doctor was new once.

So was every bad doctor.

[Sleech] Are you sure
you want to do this?

We have a chance
to cure anxiety.

We have to take it.

I mean, are you sure
you want to call Azel?

They broke your heart.

Or did they just open it up

- for more love?
- [groans]

Klak.

Doctor... Doctor...

I see you still
have too many legs.

I see you still think
being loud is being smart.

Why did you send
us a death worm?

I didn't send it to you.

I tried to report it
to the Galactic Health Unit,

but the patient left, and
I'm too rich to chase things.

Report it?

Dr. Azel, are you scared of it?

It feeds on people.

We know nothing about it.

It's our duty as doctors

to be scared of it.

Plus the UniYum grant

keeps my hospital funded,

and news of this "death worm"

would hurt their new campaign.

[woman] Please
pause your surgery

to enjoy a ten-second break.

[announcer] Try UniYum's
new Worm-O's.

Break your skull with flavor.

[woman] Press 3 to order.

[murmurs]

Excellent plugging, Azel.

If you pursue this,

you could die.

Or worse, lose your licenses.

You see what an amazing research
opportunity this is, right?

For someone qualified.

So why didn't you do it?

You used to take risks.

And now I take baths
in liquid gold.

Trying to cure anxiety

will cause unnecessary
pain and hope.

Report it.

That grant money...

Did you see
how many machines they had?

Unlimited UniYum-branded
stam-blasters.

Oh, the stam I could blast.

At least we don't have
mid-surgery commercials.

The UniYum grant is
setting medicine back.

[Sleech] Ugh, I know.

I want to win it so bad.

- Crunchy Screechies for lunch?
- Ooh.

- Hey, Yog.
- "Tinky-tosky,"

say the Creesky Cronchies.

- Could we have...
- For the screechest of crunch...

- "The screechest of crunch."
- ...the crunchest of screech.

- Um, you know what?
- I shall gather for thee...

- I'd love to...
- ...the most delicious of each.

Beautiful work.

I can't believe they make you

recite that every time.

Oh, no, they've
asked me to stop.

Two orders
of Crunchy Screechies.

If we turn Glurg in,
the GHU will put her on ice

for a thousand years
while they "research."

Everyone she knows will
be dead when she wakes up.

Treating her now is more humane.

Treating her now breaks 83 laws.

But if we did,
we could study the worm.

And if we study the worm,

- maybe we make a discovery...
- [Screechies screeching]

...that wins us fame, glory,
new matching lab coats,

and that grant.

They don't give
the grant to lawbreakers.

What about Krag-9
Memorial Hospital

getting the grant
for reanimating corpses?

- [screeching]
- No one cares what you did

once there's
a commodifiable discovery.

Plus, we might help people
panic less around their exes.

No, no, no... [screams]

What if we inject
the worm with a virus?

Make it sick.

Eh. Might infect the patient.
Do we send in nanobots?

To slice it up then reconstruct
it outside of her brain?

Might kill the worm.

- Aw.
- [Screechie panting]

Aw, come on, I'm starving.

That's it. We starve it.

If we cut off
the worm's food source,

then the worm will get weak
and should be easy to remove.

So, we're doing this?

Against my every instinct.

You are as surprising as
the Screechies are crunchy.

♪ They're crunchy,
they're screechy ♪

[both] ♪ They're crunchily
screechily crunched ♪♪

- [both laugh]
- [panting]

[sighs]

Here we go.

Whoa.

That was a professional "whoa."

Huh?

[Vlam] Please, state your name.

Türvis?

Now, think of a place
you like to be.

Hmm. Swingy Bench.

Whoa. This is my backyard.

I come out here sometimes
to eavesdrop on my neighbors.

There's these
Ciphhraxian Meatflies

who have constant drama
in their nest.

They're really working on it.

[chuckles] I'm Dr. Vlam,

and you're ready to come out
of cryogenic freezing.

Oh. Cool. What?

We're waking your brain up.

No way. That's so exciting.

Yeah, I remember reading
about the trials for this

back when I was a doctor.

- [laughs] You're a doctor, too?
- I was.

Uh, back before I was
in eternal darkness.

I know what that's like.

I spent a few centuries
buried in the Sands of Grauss.

[both chuckle]

Oh, colors are back.

Can you think of
a smell you like?

[sniffs]

[gasps] Cinnamon creatures.

I love those.

Me, too.

Yeah, I skin and
bake them once a week.

When I'm not frozen.

[both laugh]

- [rumbling]
- Whoa!

Remain calm.

This is a standard reaction.

Sometimes, a patient's mind
will reject a foreign presence.

Can I undo it?

I, uh, don't want
to reject your presence.

I don't want you to, either.

It stopped.

Good. Hey, do we have to stay

in my fake backyard
or can we explore?

Oh, head.

I know, my head grew a head.

It's horrifying.

Lucky for you, we've decided
to treat your illegal worm.

Well, I'm going to lunch
so I won't have to stand trial.

You know how you feel anxious,

and then the worm guzzles
your glucocorticoid,

- looking for cortisol?
- [chuckles]

We're going to use
a sensory deprivation chamber

combined with sedation
to reduce your anxiety.

The worm'll get hungry, we'll
yank it out, maybe you'll live.

I wish I could keep it.

I just want to be happy.

Sometimes the best we can
hope for is "not dead."

Whoa, look.
It kind of looks like Bognoth.

M-Move your hand. I can't
really see what you're doing.

Oh, sorry. Are those new scrubs?

Uh, no, they're yours.

Sleech.

[both shout]

It replenished its food supply.

By using Glurg's brain

to create what would
make her most anxious.

[both shout]

Wow. [chuckles]

It looks so familiar.

Sorry.

Oh, yeah.

It's the monster from, uh,

the monster from
that great simulation...

Knife Tentacles 3.

[laughs] Yes. It was
so predictable, and yet...

Emotionally resonant, right?

When the dad chopped
his own knife tentacle off

to stop himself
from killing his son.

Oh, my God, I cried.
And I threw up.

I can't believe this
isn't making me anxious.

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, God. Dad?

I left because of you.

Anyways, I'm gonna knife
tentacle out your liver.

[sighs]

Glurg, listen to me, okay?

You don't have any anxiety

to help you make smart decisi...

I forgive you, Dad.

And I forgive you,
Knife Tentacles 3.

[monster] Who wants a stab?

I don't want
to knife tentacle anyone,

I'm just a disappointed father.

- [monster] I'm gonna knife you.
- Klak!

Okay, we need to terminate it.

It's an arthropod with a...

with a protuberance
of thoracic sclerites and...

- [phone rings]
- Sleech, it's Azel.

Azel can't see this. Whoa!

Klak!

If this worm

created a manifestation
with functional anatomy,

which would be incredible,

then applying pressure
to that spot will stop it.

[grunting]

To what spot?

Stab it in the chest.

Well, I'd say
that went pretty well.

Sorry, Glurg.

[chuckles] No worries.

On the plus side,
I didn't answer Azel's call.

- Are you all right?
- No!

Look at my perfect tail.

[gasps] What if we...

No. No new ideas
until my tail grows back.

One of these days,
I'm going to lunch,

and I'm never coming back.

[machine humming]

[both laughing]

[Türvis] I never expected
to brain-print someone a river.

Life is so unpredictable,
isn't it?

Yes. I just started a new career

for the hundredth time, and
no matter how much I prepare,

I-I'm never ready for
what life throws at me.

But once in a while,
something unexpected

turns out to be...

Wow, you got the taste perfect.

I knew I liked your brain. Oh.

[Türvis gasps softly]

Hey, that's the last sense.

Touch.

- [rumbling]
- [both exclaiming]

It's all under control.

All right, who's next?

Me.

Movie. Three words.
First word... udder?

- The Detective from, uh...
- The Time Travelers Accountant.

When Gazorg Met Yonkly?

So I Married a Sea Sponge?

- The Detective
from Planet Jaga? - The Time Traveling Accountant.

Morgablap of Doom.

[shouting]

Knife Tentacles 2!

You got it. That was it.

[screams]

[Klak sighs] Maybe
Azel was right.

Maybe this isn't worth
losing our licenses over.

I know how important a potential
anxiety cure is to you.

So much for the grant.

So much for impressing Azel.

Yeah, I understand
wanting something

you wish you didn't.

[romantic music plays]

Yeah, the hope of things
being good this time,

you know, it's just so tempting.

Did you just say...

[both] Tempting.

[both laugh]

[romantic music plays]

There's nothing in here
about how to fix it.

I don't want
my brain to reject you.

Me, neither.
I've never felt like this,

and I've been alive
for so many lifetimes.

I've had so many wives,
so many husbands.

So many poly-compounds.

Many, many, many,
poly-compounds.

And yet, I don't think
I really knew

what connection meant until you.

It's slowing.

Maybe your brain just needs
to think of me as familiar.

Tell me everything.

That's gonna take a long time.

Ah. The obvious way
to tempt the worm

is with the scent
of extreme anxiety.

And mine, not to brag,
tests off the charts.

- [grunts]
- [yelps]

This could actually work.
Unless it works too well

and it kills me.
Or we figure it out

and achieve incredible success.

I don't actually know
if I can handle success.

What if we change?
What if we make new friends?

But you know what,
it's worth the risk,

because I love you
and I want you to succeed

regardless of me.

Thanks for talking it through.

Let's risk my brain. [laughs]

[Sleech] Klak.

We're gonna save this parasite
and we are gonna save Glorb.

Glurp?

Her name is Glurg,
she has a close-knit family,

loves video games.

Oh, you're scarier
than the worm.

We're going to tempt the worm
out of Glurg's brain

using...
♪ Dun da da dun ♪♪

...my anxiety.

So, the worm will want to leave.

He'll wiggle right out.

No harm to the patient,
no harm to the worm,

a safety barrier
securely in place,

and therefore
only a small chance

that it'll attach
to Klak's brain

and stretch her skull
until it splinters and cracks,

her gray matter dribbling
out in rivulets

before the inevitable deluge.

Inevitable deluge.
[nervous chuckle]

All right, Sleech,
make me anxious.

That is your specialty.

Oh, think about Azel.
Think about

trying to look sexy
while removing

a six-legged pair of pants.

Think how easy that
might be for other people.

People with six pairs of hands.

Or how about when your mom
used the worst picture of you

for her book cover,
and then wrote a chapter

about how that made you feel.

You shouldn't have flattened
your fins before the call.

If you had that worm
in your brain...

What if you
poop your pants again?

Twice is a pattern.

[overlapping criticisms]

Every choice you make ruins
your life a little bit more.

[overlapping criticisms]

Your greatest value
to your mother

isn't as her daughter,

- but as her subject.
- Huh?

[inhales sharply] Ooh, sorry.

I'm sorry. That one was yikes.

Sleech, it's wonderful.

Ahem. The worm is attaching
to Dr. Klak's brain.

Let it attach. I need this.

Too bad, Klak,
because I need you.

[panting]

- Klak, you have worm guts...
- I'm aware.

...on your... Mmm.

Dr. Klak, a question.

Hi, Klak.

Flork. Flork.

As, um, Chief Surgeon

and President of the Board...

Oh, he loves to say that.

...we heard there was a novel
parasitoid helminth in play,

and there are rumors
you and Dr. Sleech

aren't reporting it.

Did Nurse Tup tell you that?

Nurse Tup tells him everything.

You know they were together?

Can you imagine,
his passion, her spice?

You could make
a tangy cocktail with that.

Hey look, I don't
get paid enough

to keep secrets that
damage my hospital.

It's already damaged.

Somebody needs to fix this.

Not me, but somebody.

There's nothing to report.

The guts from its dead body
are all over my face.

Ooh, the color suits you.

Well, good. Good, good, good.

Last time you two went rogue,

half of my staff
became invisible.

[chuckles]
Oh, there's Dr. Hig now.

I'm watching you both.

Well, I'm not. I trust you. Bye.

It really undermines
our authority

when you try to be their friend.

Dr. Plowp, it was incredible.

Being inside
someone else's mind.

What a beautiful thing.

[groans]

Hi, Türvis.
Welcome to the future.

You fell into a black hole,

and it took science
about 1,200 years

to figure out how to
put you back together.

But we did, and here you are,
ready to rejoin society.

It's the year 14,002,

the universal
religion is Yerzod,

and you're in
the Ergulon Galaxy.

Oh, wow.

I didn't know you wore glasses.

Uh, have we met before?

Oh, you know, we accidentally
decapitated a cinnamon creature.

Um...

"Nothing during
neural restimulation

will be logged to
the patient's long-term memory."

Oh, I just realized.

There are hundreds
of new seasons

of my favorite show:
My Lover, My Clone.

I know you're my clone,
but right now,

I just need my lover.

I would say that.

Shut up and kiss me, me.

[passionate moaning]

You did a fine job.

I'll be sure to tell
Dr. Sleech and Dr. Klak.

When I lived in the ocean
during the Light Millennium,

we said "Thank you"
by blowing bubbles.

[burbles]

I had Glurg's skull
repaired by bots.

She was in stable condition,
so I released her.

She's disappointed,

but at least we saved her
from a life on ice.

We'll find medication
that works for her.

Not as good as that worm.
May he rest in peace.

Well...

What? How.

That's your signature
stitchwork. You saved it.

Not exactly.

The good news is he's alive.

The bad news is he can't die.

Terrifying.
I wish we could tell Azel.

We can't. We can't tell anyone.

Not reporting it puts
our medical licenses at risk.

And everyone in the universe.

And the universe itself,

considering what
this worm can do.

But imagine all the people
it could help.

It could revolutionize
mental health care.

It could change my life.

I know.

And you know the best
thing it could do?

I know what you think it is.

It could win us that grant.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Chirp.

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