All language subtitles for Salt.And.Pepper.1968.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

You're guilty, I say. Guilty!

I was there tonight.

I saw the body.
And I saw it fall.

You're gonna have a hard time
making this stick, Inspector.

All right, so the strap broke
and it fell off.

It's not our fault
or the girl's.

5 murders in London,
right, in a week,

and he's worried
about a broken g-string.

Not in my parish!

None of those murders
happened in Soho.

That's all I care about.

So just you keep that filthy
sewer of yours clean.

We run a legitimate sewer!
A club!

Legitimate?
The Salt & Pepper club? Ha!

Where did you get
the capital to start it, eh?

That's a lie. Club!

It's more like a haven
for half-nude harpies!

Oh, now, Inspector, think
of it more as a mission.

We've given those girls a home.

That's quite enough
of your cheek, Mr. Salt!

I'm Pepper, he's Salt.

Odd. Isn't it?

Quiet! One more infraction
and you've had it.

I'll have that
club of yours closed

and you two beauties
on the inside. Clear?

- Inspector.
- Huh?

What have you
got against us, huh?

What have I got against you?
Yeah.

You? Yeah.

Well, look at you.
Your hair all down,

and you're wearing
that funny dress.

Why aren't you at home
starting a riot, eh?

[Both snickering]

[Crabbe coughing]

And what are you
doing with him, eh?

I know all about your father
being a lord, you know.

Everyone in London knows
that you're the black sheep.

Here, here.

I beg your pardon, lad.
Nothing personal.

I expect you've heard of
unscrupulous police methods.

But almost all such stories
are untrue.

Only in very exceptional
cases do such officers exist.

And I am one of them!

To me, everyone in Soho is guilty
unless he is proved innocent!

I shall bully,
browbeat, blackmail,

bend every rule, lie in the
witness box, and do anything

to make sure
that the police prevail!

Is that clear?

Makes you want to join up,
doesn't he?

Now get out!

May I have this?
It's part of a matching set.

Out!

[Chattering]

[People chattering]

♪ [Music playing]

[Dishes clattering]

[Whistle blowing]

[Car horn honking]

[Sighs]

That was close.

Now the only thing we have to
worry about is insp. Crabbe.

Oh, that's no problem. We'll just
have a nightly g-string check.

Well, I'll take care of that.

Yes, you are about
the right height.

What do you mean by that?

Hi, Bill.

Hello, Charlie. Hello, Chris.

See that this
gets home, will you?

Oh, sure.

Any messages?

Charlie, you know
no one ever calls you.

[Gasping]

[Silenced pistol firing]

(Receptionist) A very
good group in tonight.

Lord Silverstone, and
Mr. Fisher with a party of 8.

Hmm. There.

Look there.

The immovable object is back.

And I bet you $1,
old buddy of mine,

that you don't make it
with that lady.

Make it 5 pounds.

Hi, Chris.
How about our date tonight?

Go check in.

Good evening.

Oh, Mr. Pepper, isn't it?

Nice of you to come in again.

Well, we find
your partner's act so amusing.

Oh, is that the only reason?

No. The food's good, and the
atmosphere is marvelously decadent.

It's even better
in my apartment.

Perhaps we could
have a drink later.

Mr. Pepper, it's very boring
being chased around a sofa.

Suppose I give you a head start?

You're a very attractive man.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

Do you mind? No.

Thank you. Cheers.

Cheers.

But I'm sure you'd do almost
better with any other woman.

Or do you, uh,
thrive on rejection?

Oh, Charles. Darling.

Mr. Pepper,
this is Lord Ponsonby.

Mr. Pepper. How do you do?

And this is Mr. Salt, who is
the reason we come to the club.

Ah. He is?

He is.

(Charles) This way, darling.

Give me the money.

All right.

That lady stays around long enough,
I'm gonna retire a rich man.

Mr. Salt, Mr. Salt, please,
you're late again.

It is really impossible.
Everybody is waiting.

Ta, ta, ta, ta, shh,
let me see. Am I late?

You are late.

Why are you keeping me here,
talking to me,

when I should be on the stage?

Say, Janice, I was wondering.

A few of the kids are getting
together after the show. I thought...

Charlie, I have a date.

Oh, you have a date.
Maybe some other time.

Jill, do you think it's
possible if we all get together,

maybe we could have...

My fella wouldn't like it.

Your fella? Mmm-hmm.

That's the big guy,
that's the boxer.

I don't think
he'd be too thrilled.

No.

[Shuddering]

Thank you,
and good evening. I...

[Yelling]

[Whistling]

[Claps]

[Applauding]

♪ [Music playing]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, very, very much.

I was... no, you wouldn't
believe it, anyway.

May I welcome you, first of all?

My... my name is... is Charles
Salt and I own half of this.

I think this is
about the half I own.

[All laughing]

We'll do a little thing here.
Here we go.

Can I borrow this?

Don't leave, we're integrated!

No serving while I'm on, please!

Psst, psst, I want your name,
and then your rank, and out!

♪ [Music playing]

♪ [Playing]

Are you sure you can see
well enough from there?

Very well, thank you.

Let's get a little
something going on here!

Ah, ready? Let's go.

Something to report, Mr. Rack?

Mai Ling is dead, sir.

Well done.

But, uh, Col. Woodstock... Mmm?

I... I had to leave her body
in the club, sir.

Oh, not to worry.
Did you find anything on her?

Only this. Ah.

It had been fired,
and Straw has disappeared.

Never saw him after we split
up at the Salt & Pepper club.

I see.

Well, that is a loose end,
Mr. Rack.

I do not condone loose ends.

No, sir.

I suggest that you
check back there immediately.

Uh-oh.

Hi, there.
You waiting for Charlie?

Holy Loch...

Oh, no, sweetheart, those are
carnations, not hollyhocks.

June 3.

June 37 Yeah, I'm sure
that'll be all right.

[Clearing throat]
I'm free, I think.

If it's ok with Charlie.

[Breathing deeply]

Whatever you're on,
it's working, isn't it?

Well, well, well, are you busy?

No. None of that. No. She's out of it.
She's grooving.

I found her here on your carpet.

Hey, do you think maybe
somebody sent us a goody?

Oh, we'll have to
send her back unopened.

This girl is really out of it.

I wonder who she is.

I don't know. Let's have a look.

"Mai Ling, 21, Cadogan
Cloisters, Chelsea."

Take my advice,
call the limousine service.

Home. Home.

[People chattering]

♪ [Music playing]

(Girl) Good evening, sir.

Hi.

Who hired the new girl?

Who else?

Big spender.

More chips.

It's my table. It's all mine.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

But... but sir, you've gone over.

Hit me!

Hit me!

But, sir, uh...

Hit me! But... but, sir...

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

I just got a hell of an idea
to save some money around here.

How?

With dealers like that,
who needs cards?

[Laughing]

♪ [Music playing]

I just don't understand it.

Why she keeps giving me
a hard time.

I know that she likes me.

This is something
you don't imagine.

But, Chris, you can imagine
anything you want to!

I imagined that I saw a dead
body in my closet tonight.

Why? Because I'm
allergic to bodies.

I mean, I could be cured.

[Chuckling]
I can see what you mean.

Insp. Crabbe is here,
in your room.

What? A g-string?

No. Not this time.

Oh, happy hour again.

Excuse me, madam.

[Clearing throat]

A remarkable likeness.

Would you like me to sign it?

Was a Chinese call-girl
called Mai Ling here tonight?

What did she look like?

What do you expect a Chinese
call-girl to look like? Was she here?

(Salt)
Yes, but we got rid of her.

You admit it?

She was stoned. Stabbed.

What? In the back.

Murder? The very word.

Whoops.

(Crabbe) Precisely.

Who did it? Any leads?

Well, I'm here, aren't I?

Oh, now, wait a minute,
Inspector. I go along...

She arrived home dead
in one of your cars.

D-d-don't look at me. She
was fine when she was here.

Define "fine," Mr. Pepper.

Well, she remarked about those flowers.
And, uh...

Oh, yeah.
She made a date with me.

Commented on the floral
decorations, and made an assignation

while bleeding to death!

I repeat, Inspector,
she was fine.

Stoned, but fine.

Walkin' about quite happily, eh?

No, lying about quite happily,
as it happened.

As what happened?

Well, she was lying
on this rug...

Well, people often...

No, they don't.

On this carpet, eh?

[Gasping]

[Groaning]

[Gasping]

Oh, wait a minute, hold on.

Inspector, if my partner says
he's innocent, he's innocent!

And remember, I have
friends in high places!

So you better lay off of
him, because you'll be back

pounding a beat in Blackpool!

[Whispering] If you'd
only kept your mouth shut.

Psst.

Examined the knife?

Yes, sir. Uh-huh.

Fingerprints?

Yes, sir.

Whose?

Mine, sir.

Blood?

Yes, sir.

Hers?

Yours, sir.

Mmm?

Yours, sir.

[Both snickering]

Do you find murder humorous,
Mr. Salt?

Nobody finds murder humorous,
Inspector.

But use your head.
Do you think we'd kill someone

and put them in our car
to send them home?

I don't know
what you think, Mr. Pepper.

But I shall find out.

Sooner or later I shall find
out, in my own sweet way.

Out!

Which only goes to prove the hand
is still quicker than the eye, sir.

(Policeman #1) Insp. Crabbe's
compliments, gentlemen.

He insists we drive you
back to your club.

(Pepper) No, we'd much rather walk.
We're only a block away.

(Salt) Look, we can walk.

What is this? We don't have to...

[groans]

[Salt sighing]

(Salt) Hey, Chris.

Wake up, sleeping beauty.

[Groaning]

Where are we?

I don't know.

What a shot I got.

Can I ask you something?

What?

Did you kill that girl?

Are you mad?

Well, it is all your
fault, you know.

What is my fault?

We could have been
in Chicago now

in a nice swinging
little club, but no,

you said, let's open a club in
beautiful, quiet, sedate, super London.

So what happens?

We got a swinging club
and a dead Chinese call girl,

and all hell breaks loose.

You hit one bent cop.

Oh, no, no, no, I didn't hit him.
He hit me.

And you know somethin' else?

It's the first time
I've ever been innocent,

and I can't take it lying down!

I'm gonna get out of here.

[Dog barking]

Help! Hey!

Can you hold it down
just a little?

There's gotta be
a way out of here.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, Chris, I saw a movie once

where 2 guys were
in a cellar like this

and the guy got out by bustin'
down the door, right. With karate.

Now I'll see
if my karate lessons pay off.

Just watch.

[Yelling]

[Panting]

[Grunting]

Get us a lawyer!
We want a lawyer!

Christopher Pepper
and Charles Salt, I believe.

Um, I'm Salt, he's Pepper.

I see.

First of all, it wasn't the police
who brought you here, it was me.

And who are you?

The name is Balsom. Col. Balsom.

I apologize
for the rough treatment.

But I had to make sure you had nothing
to do with the death of Mai Ling.

By bashing us
over the head, huh?

No, by listening in
to your conversation.

Now you wouldn't know it,

but Mai Ling was an absolutely
first-class little operator.

She was a call girl,
the police told us.

She was also
a British intelligence agent.

British intelligence?

Now, normally I wouldn't come
into the open like this,

but I believe she was killed
because she had vital information.

The point is, did Mai Ling
say anything before she died?

Anything at all?

Well, you were with her.

Well, all I can remember,
she pointed to some carnations

and she said hyacinths,
and then made a date with me.

No, it can't be.

Almost certainly she was trying
to get some message across.

So you must remember it exactly.

Well, I can't. What's left
of my head is splitting.

Weston. Sir?

Bring in a bottle of scotch.
Sir.

I can't overstress
how important this is.

I've got it.

Yeah?

She pointed to some flowers
and she said, "hollyhocks."

Damn it, man! She wouldn't
have been thinking of flowers!

Sir. Whiskey, sir.

This will clear your head.

Cheers.

Aren't you gonna
join us, colonel?

I have an ulcer.

[Chuckling] He has an ulcer.
So do we.

Oh, for heaven's sake, you
don't think it's doped, do you?

Here.

There you are.

Thanks, chum.

That is definitely
what the man said, sir.

2 uniformed policemen
knocked them unconscious,

dragged them into a car,
and then drove off.

If this is the Special Branch
treadin' on my corns,

I'll have their guts
for garters!

(Woman) Yes?

Get me the commissioner.

Brought the wrong bottle,
didn't you, Weston?

Sir, I must have mixed...

You know that job in red China
that nobody wanted?

Sir!

Well, I hope you know
how to use chopsticks!

Sir!

Dismissed!

Sir.

[Dog barking]

[Sighing]

I won't detain you any longer.

But you can help by trying to
remember what Mai Ling said

and by searching for any clues or
messages she may have left behind.

Colonel. Colonel, let's get
one thing straight now, huh?

We don't want to get mixed up
in this thing.

I can give you 4 good reasons why we
don't want to get mixed up in this thing.

1: It ain't any of our business!

2: We're nightclub operators.

3: If you want secret agents,
then go get James Bond

or those 2 guys on television, the
one that plays tennis, you know?

4: Our dance card is filled!

So, ciao, colonel!
Let's get out of here.

You may be mixed up
in this already.

What do you mean by that?

If the other side thinks
Mai Ling talked to you.

Ring this number
if anything crops up.

The British government wouldn't
be offering 50,000 pounds reward

to anyone who cracks this thing

unless it felt its very
existence was at stake.

Existence?

50?

You mean $150,000?

Yes.

Uh, colonel, sir,

you mean to tell me that $150,000
goes to anyone who cracks this thing?

Anyone.

This is urgent, gentlemen.

Mai ILng was my 6th agent
murdered in the last 2 weeks.

You mean 1, 2,

3,4,5...

6!

Well, as I always say, colonel,

better to live poor
than to die rich.

[Chuckling]

(First sea lord)
Finally, prime minister,

I have to report that the
polaris crew training program

is well up to schedule.

Thank you.

Well, I think we all find the first
sea lord's report most encouraging.

What's next?

Ah, yes. Uh, home secretary.

Prime minister, I have to report
that intelligence agent 02,

otherwise known as Mai Ling,

was tonight killed in the
Salt & Pepper club, Soho.

Order, gentlemen, please.

Carry on, home secretary.

There is a likelihood that this agent was
in possession of important information.

Did she have time to say
anything before she died?

I think not, prime minister.

The matter is, of course, being
most urgently investigated.

♪ [I like the way you dance
by Sammy Davis Jr. playing]

♪ Yes, I like the way you sing ♪

♪ Mmm, I dig the way you swing ♪

♪ And I like the way you move ♪

♪ You know I dig
the way you groove ♪

♪ When you stand still
my world gets hazy ♪

♪ When you start to move
you drive me crazy ♪

♪ Wow, I like the way you walk ♪

♪ Yeah, I dig the way you talk ♪

♪ Yes, I dig
the way you groove ♪

♪ And I like the way you move ♪

♪ But when I say stop
I don't mean maybe ♪

♪ When I say go
sock it to me, baby ♪

♪ Wow, I like
the way you dance ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Now stop ♪

♪ go! ♪

♪ Go, blimey! ♪

♪ Oh, sock it me, baby ♪

♪ Sock it, sock it,
sock it to me, baby ♪

♪ Oh, I dig the way you groove ♪

♪ And I dig the way you move ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Bring it on down ♪

♪ Bring it on down ♪

♪ Sock it to me, baby ♪

♪ Oh, bring it all up ♪

[All cheering]

♪ Yeah, sock it to me, baby ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Bring it on home ♪

♪ Sock it to me, baby ♪

[Crowd cheering]

(Rack) Col. Woodstock?

Yes, Mr. Rack?

I located Straw.

He's dead,
in Salt's dressing room.

[Laughing]

There it is,
you beautiful bird, you!

That's what I thought.

Pepper! Pepper! Pepper!

What? What is it?

[Growling]

He's dead, top to bottom.

That's the same guy I saw in my closet.
I wasn't imagining things.

How did he get in the bathroom?

Maybe he wasn't feeling well!

Come on, help me get him out.
Not me!

Oh, he's about as dead
as they come.

[Both grunting]

2 in one night.
What are we gonna do?

I don't know, but I
tell you one thing. We...

Hello, Inspector!

Inspector.

Excuse me.

Where did you go
after leaving my office?

Why?

No, he... he gave them up,
remember?

I received a report
that you were seen

kidnapped by 2 men
in police uniform.

Oh, no, Inspector. We... we
just went for a little walk.

Come on, now. What is it?

Trouble with
the protection boys, eh?

No, no, no, nothing like that.

Here, who is this?

Well, he's a silent partner.

[Tittering]

Something is going on
around here.

But be warned!

I don't miss much,
you know, lads.

I'm sorry to have interrupted
whatever it was you were hatching.

[Sighing]

I've just passed scared
and I've moved into terror.

Let's call Col. Balsom, huh?

No. Remember we decided to live?
That's right.

Come on, we gotta
find smiley a new home.

(Policeman)may we have your name
and address, sir?

Never mind my name. Check the
Salt & Pepper club. Right?

In Salt's dressing room.

(Salt) He'll enjoy this trip.

(Pepper) Ok, buddy-boy, you
sleep in the tourist coach.

Yes, you had a nice time.

Here we are.

Here we are! Come on.

Get him in there! Easy!

[Both grunting]

He's loaded, all right.
Enjoyed it, haven't you?

Don't worry.

In we go!

It's his one night out,
you know?

There we are!

There's a good boy. Wonderful!

(Salt) Take him back home.

[People chattering]

There. Make sure you use color!

What do you mean by that?

Live it up! Goodbye!

Goodbye! Have a good trip!

Take it easy, will you?

I was only trying to help.

Chris.

[People clamoring]

That's the guy
I saw in the club!

With the scar and twitch,
like this!

Stop! Your imagination
is running away with you.

That's the guy I saw!
You never listen to me!

No.

(Crabbe) All right, open up.

[Knocking on door]

I..-

Oh, no!

Do you have a warrant
to live here?

I received a report that a man
was shot dead in this room.

Mind if I, uh, look around?

No, as it turns out.

(Pepper) Be our guest.

Now then,
what's in these cupboards?

Clothes, mostly.

Clothes, eh?

Costumes.

(Pepper) Winter, summer... aha!

Aye, aye.

Guns, eh?

They're what Charlie uses
in the act.

In his what?

I have a permit
to use 'em in my act.

Don't let me find you
with this gun on the street.

Oh, no, sir. You see,
I wear them on stage.

And it's quite amusing
when you see it done,

because I walk out and they play music.
Western music.

And a lot of twirling, and
back and forth, like this.

[Groaning]

I guess I'll never get it.

Sooner or later, I'll get you.

For something!

Why doesn't he arrest
his tailor?

That's a good idea.

(Man)what do you say, Ernie?

(Ernie) It's a nice ring, mate.
I'll give you 50 quid for it.

(Man)50 quid? The reward's
more than that!

(Woman)look, my price is 3
pounds and I don't do no spankin',

I'm not your nanny.

[Knocking on door]

Um...

Uh...

Who is it?

(Crabbe) Who do you think?

Oh.

Anything new?

Same old thing, sir.

Now look here, Walters,

I want you to bug
Salt and Pepper

at the first opportunity!
Right, sir.

They're up to no good.
I can smell it.

Well, go on, Walters.
Thank you, sir.

Oh, here, Walters, get this
repaired for me, will you?

Go on, jump to it!

Yes, sir.

Huh!

[Gun fires]

Have I got somethin'
to lay on you.

Sit down.

Yeah, well, this better be good.

What are you doing?

Put your 20/20's on that,
old buddy.

I found it right on this couch.

It obviously belonged to
the dead Chinese call girl.

Look at that! It's got everything.
Dates, names, numbers, prices.

She was a busy little
fortune cookie, wasn't she?

Beats me how she
found time to spy.

Look at that list of names.

F.M. Sir Edmund Brisket.

It's our army chief of staff.

Admiral Sir Reginald Greengates.

That's his naval counterpart.

Gen. Mark Rutner.

United States liaison
officer for defense.

All right, then who is
this cat, Mr. William Dove?

[Sighs]

Odd man out.

Headmaster of Halliwell college.
That's my old school.

You're kidding.

But what are these men
doing with a call girl?

Oh, come on. How many guesses
are you gonna give me?

Yeah, right.

Hey, do you want a taste?

Please.

All right.

In that case, you know,

it really would be unfair to turn
this over to balsom or the police.

A thing like this could ruin
their careers in a half-minute.

[Snickering] Oh, I can see insp.
Crabbe

with that
in his hot little fist!

So we destroy it, huh?
Get rid of it?

I don't know.

It would be wrong
if it was important.

There is one alternative.

What?

I know Brisket
and Greengates pretty well.

You know them kind of cats, huh?

My father did.

That's right.

Why don't we pay them
an unofficial visit tomorrow?

If they are just clients,
we drop it.

If there's more to it,
we turn it over to Balsom.

Look, partner,
if there is more to it,

you and me are sittin'
on a keg of dynamite.

All right, we start in the
morning with Admiral Greengates.

♪ [Greengates humming]

[Greengates groaning]

Poor old Greengates.

What do you think it was?

Heart attack, I suppose.

Getting a little old
to fool around

with those Chinese chicks.
Yeah, I'm hip.

Hey, do you think it's true?

What?

That once you take out a Chinese
girl, an hour later you...

No.

All right, what's next?

Well, F.M. Brisket lunches
every day at Locke's club.

Let's go!

Will you do me a favor? What?

Will you change that outfit?

Very exclusive club.

Oh, it is, eh?

[Hiccupping]

(Secretary) Oh, Pepper.

Uh, Charlie,
this is Maj. Dern... Dernwood.

Dashwood.

I beg your pardon. Our club secretary.
This is Charles Salt.

My pleasure.

Delighted, Mr. Salt.

Always glad to see our
friends from overseas.

We had an extraordinary
nice chappie from, uh, Nigeria

to lunch, only the other...

Um, about 2 years ago.

Well, enjoy yourselves,

have a look around. Thanks.

See you later. Bye-bye.

Cheerio, pip-pip, a bit of
all right and all that...

Aren't you overdoing that
a little?

Just a pinch.

There he is. F.M. Brisket.

How do you know?

Black glove. Lost a hand
during the war.

[Man shoring]

Please don't disturb
the field marshal.

He doesn't like it.

I don't know if this
means anything or not,

but this is
yesterday's newspaper.

Uh...

This is getting
to be monotonous!

More than monotonous.
Let's get on to Dove.

[Gasping]

What're you playing at, Jenks?

Sorry, Col. Woodstock.
Just ch-ch-checking.

Could you tell me where
might I find the headmaster?

You'll find him back there
in the garden.

Thank you.

Quite a place, isn't it?

Not unlike my old Alma mater.

Harvard, of course.

Of course.

[Birds chirping]

What a place for a sit-in.

Beats me how you started here
and wound up in Soho.

(Boy) Good morning, sir.

Can you see me going through
life in one of those?

No, I'm all for tradition

so long as somebody else
carries it on.

I mean, the next step
would have been a bowler...

(Prefect) Fag!

Did he say
what I thought he said?

I want 64-penny stamps at once.

Go on, take it.
Be quick, let's have it.

Away with you, boy. Buck up!

You see, the older boy's
called a prefect.

The younger ones
are all called fags.

They run errands and do
as they're told.

Oh, that's the lowest, man!

No, no, it's not. I was a fag
for 2 years when I was here.

What?

Well, your secret's safe
with me, old buddy.

You do promise?

Yes, I do.

Ooh.

I want you to know
I greatly appreciate

your motives
in coming down here.

Anything you can do
to help us, Mr. Dove.

Well, I did know
this young person.

But, uh, it may be difficult
for you to understand.

But this cloistered,
monastic existence, uh...

You don't have to explain, sir.

Oh, oh, but I should explain,
perhaps.

I was dining with the Bishop
of Risborough down here

at the time you say
this poor soul was murdered.

Well, if we decide to show
the book to the police, sir,

you won't be in there.

Oh, I'm most gratified.

Good boy, Pepper.
Good boy, Pepper.

Thank you, Mr. Salt. Uh, may I?

It's one of my favorites.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, by the way,

a young chap from Nigeria joined
the school only this term.

An extraordinarily nice fellow?

No. As a matter of fact,
a little beast.

Goodbye, Mr. Dove.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

That proves it. Seems that they
were just clients of that chick.

That's what it looks like.

He certainly was grateful.

(Boy) Morning, sir.

I wish I'd had that information
when I was at school.

Think of the marks I'd have got.

Well, we'll check the last
name on the list, huh?

Gen. Rutner.

Why not?

No harm in having
grateful friends high up.

[Car engine starting]

Fag!

You call me that one more...

[chattering]

(Woodstock) Hello. Who's there?

Dove here. 2 men. Trouble!

Salt and Pepper!

Yes, I feared as much when I saw them
snooping around the club this morning.

However, we can deal with them.

All right, goodbye.

[Chuckling]

A busy day for you, my friend.

After you kill gen. Rutner,

you will extend the same service

to the messrs. Salt and Pepper.

Find out.

Yes. Well, thank you
very much, Mrs. Rutner.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Well?

He's on his way
to the green grotto

to have lunch with
some German general.

Oh, I see. Well, let's go.

[People chattering]

Hello.

Hey, Chris, let's not take
your car today. Why not?

Because it's a 7-passenger
car and there's only 2 of us.

Besides, it's ostentatious.

Ostenta... spell it.

Uh, never mind.
Let's take my new car.

All right.

Where did you get this?

That's not my new car.
There's the car!

(Pepper) Which movie
did you get this from?

It's a cute little mother, baby!

It'd make a nice lamp.

(Woman) Hi, Charlie.

Hi. Hop in!

I'm afraid I'll miss.

Nice car you've got.
(Salt) Thanks.

(Woman) It's super!

All right, you drive it
and I'll burp it.

I tell you, I got
the biggest horns in town.

You can say that again.

Put your seat belt on.

Seat belt?

Seat belt. A little music.

Hold on!

♪ [Music playing on car stereo]

[Horn honking]

Sunday driver!

You're going to get us arrested.

Now be... just drive
the car, will you?

(Man on radio) We're interrupting
the program to bring you a news item.

Gen. Mark Rutner, the chief
United States liaison officer

of European defense,

was this afternoon killed when a mystery
explosion wrecked his car in Whitehall.

The police are making inquiries.

Wow.

This is more than a coincidence.

What do you mean?

Well, there's Greengates,
Brisket, and now Rutner.

Yes.

This is a death list.

Well, it's time
to call Col. Balsom, right?

Thank god the other side
doesn't know we're involved.

At least it'll stop us from
getting a bullet in our back.

[Metal cracking]

What was that? I don't know!

[Metal cracking]

It's a bullet hole!

Well, you'd better... would you
keep your eyes on the road?

Oh, oh, oh! Lift up the panel!

Doesn't this pram move at all?

Lift up the panel, will you?

All right, cover off. Cover off!

Press "b."

What for?

Bulletproof panel!

Look at that!

[Laughing]

Hey, you should patent it.

[Laughing]

Wonderful.

[Yelling]

I'd rather have the bullets!

[Tires screeching]

What the hell have you got here?

I don't know!
Press that button again!

Ouch!

[Tires screeching]

I can't see anything!

[Tires screeching]

[Car horn honking]

[Gun firing]

Press "n."

What's that?

They're nails.
That'll puncture their tires.

[Grunting]

Good shot, sir!

[Cheering]

Oh, no!

[Alarm blaring]

Ah!

I'm glad it's not
our neighborhood!

You'd better believe it!

[Gunfire continues]

[Tires screeching]

Turn it off! How?

I don't know! Press "n" again!

I'm Pressing ”n" again!

Good!

[Gun firing]

Press "o."

What'll that do?

It pours out oil.
It'll make them skid!

Oil.

[Tires screeching]

We got rid of 'em!

It worked.

[Salt screaming]

Go on, drive.
Get us out of here.

[Both screaming]

Hold on!

[Gun firing]

Press "s."

What'll that...
Not on your life!

It stands for smoke!
It'll blind them!

We've winged them,
they're on fire!

All right, get closer!
Closer still!

[Gun firing]

Wish you could inhale!

We lost a shoe!

My goodness.
We're falling apart!

Next time I'll take the bus!

[Both scream]

Well, I'll see you.

No, wait a minute!
We're safe! It floats!

Yes, but do I?

Just wait, you'll see.

Now what're you gonna do?

You'll see. Another surprise!

[Seagulls calling]

They've gone in the water!

Well, we've got 'em now.

Let's hurry up, he's got
a whole arsenal up there!

Come on, baby, if you've ever
worked for anybody, work for us now.

[Boat motor revving]

Do you ever get the feeling
that you just want to lay back

and sort of put your hand
in the water?

[Horn honks]

[Water squirting]

[Grunting]

We've sprung a leak!

What's that?

[Muttering]

Hold it!

[Both yelling]

Come on, let's get out of here!

Wait a minute!

[Screams]

What did that little kid do in Holland?
I don't know, he...

Oh! He stuck his finger in it, didn't he?
That's it!

[Both screaming]

This is the end.

Help! Anybody, help!

Well, what do you
want me to press now?

I don't know!

(Salt) Help!

Help! Don't just sit there!

You got them that time!

Well done, let's go.

[Laughing] Look at them!

No sense in sitting here.
We might as well...

What now, capt. Bligh?

Swim home?

(Pepper) Col. Balsom, please.
Christopher Pepper here.

Ah, good. You remembered.

Remembered? Remembered what?

What a certain unfortunate young
oriental said before she died.

What? Oh... oh, that... that.

Ye-yes. Well, I have some very important
information now. Not on the phone.

We are not scrambled.
We will be in a minute.

Look, I need a bodyguard!

You need 2!

Make that 2!

Not on the phone!

Now listen carefully.

You will be contacted.

What did he say?

We'll be contacted!

Look, Charlie, here on in,
it's just you and me.

We have to stick
together like leeches!

Like glue. Togetherness!

Like glue! We...

[knocking on door]

Don't answer that.

Could be from Balsom.

So fast?

Here goes.

Easy, buddy.

Who is it?

Marianne Renaud.

Don't you know this... oh, hi!

May I come in?

I was just passing and wanted a
nice quiet drink, so I wondered...

Don't you think I'll just leave!

What about togetherness? What
about we were never to be alone,

like leeches,
like glue, never alone?

What does this look like?

I can't wait to...

Don't you ever
think of anyone else?

Get out!

Well, what do you think of it?

Hmm.

It's gorgeous!

[Gasps]

Pepper!

Pepper!

Pepper!

Pepper, that girl.
She's in my room again.

That Chinese girl is there!

She's been dead for 2 days.

I know that, but now
she's being dead in there!

So sorry,
wrong hotel, forgive me.

All right, I made a mistake,
they all look alike to me.

Can't tell one from another.

Now wait a minute.

How did she get in your
apartment, and why?

I don't know, but...

Look, she was laying
right in here.

She was laying right there.

Where?

Right here on the rug!

I walked in my door
and there she was, laying here

with her hand up there...

That's a funny place
to put a compact!

Can't open it, either.

It's probably a time bomb.
A time...

It's ticking! What?

Chris, it's ticking!

It is ticking!

I just said that!

What is a compact when it ticks?

It's no time for riddles!

It's a time bomb! Water! Help!

No, not in the water!
It'll explode!

I read it in newsweek!

Did it also tell you what to do
when someone throws one at you?

It's your bomb! I don't want it!

Don't give it to me!

Wait for me!

Hurry up!

Excuse me!

I may have to break our date!

Look out!

No!

Here, Chris!

Where?

I gave it to you! Oh, god!

What is this?

What is happening?

[Yelling]

The drain! The drain!

[Car engine revving]

It's in there!

[Car horn honking]

Mr. Salt! Mr. Pepper!

One moment, please!

There, then, what did you
put down that drain?

Oh, a-antiseptic, sir.
Sewers stink!

Inspector, move your car!

I will not move my car!

Inspector, move your car!

You two are up to something!

And if necessary, I shall
stay here until doomsday!

(Both) Doomsday!

[Brakes squealing]

Do me a favor.

(Walters) Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Walters here, sir.

We have bugged Salt and
Pepper's apartment, sir.

(Crabbe)
Oh, that's good. Everything ok, Walters?

Oh, yes, yes,
everything's ok, sir.

You can let them go, sir.

Lovely!

Doesn't look too good.

Now how do you suppose
he sprung us so fast?

I haven't the faintest idea!

Why don't we brush our teeth
and leave London for a while?

That's a good idea, Ollie.

I mean, it's a nice place to visit,
but I don't want to die here.

Oh, Walters, breakfast.

Thank you very much indeed, sir.

Did you, uh, search their flats?

Oh, yes, sir. No dope, ammunition,
contraband, absolutely nothing, sir.

Nothing at all, sir. Oh,
we did find this, though, sir.

It was under Pepper's mattress.

A compact, eh?
So he likes women.

Yes. There's only one thing, sir.
It won't open, sir.

It's a cheap compact,
so he likes cheap women.

You'd better let
them have it back, sir.

And let them know we've
searched without a warrant? Nit!

The commissioner, sir. Look!

What? Oh!

Good morning, commissioner, sir.

You are an early bird, sir,
if I may say so, sir.

What's this I hear about
your car being blown up?

True, true,
if I may say so, sir.

A write-off.
I shall need a new one.

Insp. Crabbe, police officers

who allow their
cars to get blown up

will, in future, ride bicycles.

Do I make myself clear?

[Alarm ringing]

Damn! I knew she'd be gone.

Well, I could have
won another 5 pounds.

[Grunts]

[Yells]

Shh, shh, you're bugged!

Bugged? I am mortified!

Don't you know where I'm from?

I don't know where you're from, but
this definitely ain't a love-in!

I'm from Col. B.!

No, Balsom!

Shh.

That'll fix their eardrums.

Here, you better take one, too.

They've probably bugged
your apartment, too.

Who? Insp. Crabbe.

Oh, that's grand.

Now, gentlemen, do you have a
report for me for Col. Balsom?

[Screeching]

[Screeching stops]

[Screeching resumes]

Walters!

You have allowed

3 of the greatest defense brains
in Britain to be murdered.

Now wait a minute, lady.

I mean, ain't there no chance of
getting us any protection at all?

None.

And if the others don't get you, Col.
Balsom will.

If the others don't get us...

Col. Balsom will.

Thus 2 attempts to dispose of

Charles Salt and Christopher
Pepper have failed, prime minister.

I think you'll find all
the relevant details there.

And that's all I've got for you.

Thank you, home secretary.

With the deaths of
Admiral Greengates,

M.M. Brisket, and Gen. Rutner,

it's no exaggeration to say

that Great Britain is now
a ship without a rudder.

You've heard that intelligence

is striving to discover
what's happening.

So far, without success.

But I should like to return
to these 2 gentlemen:

Charles Salt
and Christopher Pepper.

Don't keep saying you installed
the bugs correctly. Listen.

[Screeching]

I can't understand it, sir.

[Screeching]

Shall we try
Salt's apartment, sir?

Good idea, Walters.

(Salt)say, did you plant that bomb
in the police station,

like I told you, Chicago Phil?

[Mimicking gangster] Yeah, I did
that, Charlie, just the way you said.

And you know something,
it was easy.

Right in the police station, and
it's gonna go off with a big bang!

You mean, you planted it
in the police station?

Yeah, that should fix
your friend

insp. Crabbe very good,
sweetheart!

Walters.

Sir?

I think we must
evacuate the station.

Evacuate the station!

Everybody out!

[Shrieks] Evacuate the station!

Women and children first!

It was a hoax, all right.

We've been through the place
with a toothcomb!

A hoax!

Salt and Pepper!

Come on, Walters,
get some work done!

Get these people moving!

(Policeman) Clear the street!

Well, you really goofed
that time, didn't you?

[Mimicking gangster]
Maybe we did.

Hmm, but I got
a surprise for you, boss.

We planted a second bomb.

A second bomb?

How did you get it
in the police station?

Easy. One of
the searchers is our man.

Evacuate the station!

No, we've got no time
for that now, Walters!

And there's no time for
that either, sergeant!

Evacuate the station!

[Ringing]

Christopher Pepper here.

(Man) Pepper, you and
Salt report immediately

to Gilbert's barbershop,
21 Soho Lane.

Ask for a close shave.

There's a couple of beauties.

And a pound of tomatoes.

A pound of tomatoes, love?

Did Balsom say why he wanted
us to meet him in a barbershop?

He did not.

How much do you tip
for being murdered?

I tell you,
there's no bomb there!

And I tell you there is!

You find the bloody thing, then!

Well, don't just stand there,
go and get the place cleaned up!

Well, don't just stand there,
go and get the place cleaned up.

[In gangster accent] Don't just stand
there, go and get the place cleaned up.

[Snickering]

Good morning.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning.

2 close shaves.

Yes, but not too close.

Sit down, sir.

I saw a movie once where 2
guys went into a barbershop,

and they sat
down in the chair...

What happened?

They were...

[both yelling]

Good morning, sir.
Can I help you, sir?

Haircut, sir?
Sit down, sir, you're next.

Where are they?

Who?

The 2 men that
just came in here.

Nobody here.
Take a look for yourself.

Hey, uh,

do you remember that movie
you were telling me about?

Yeah?

The 2 men in the barber chairs?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, do me a favor.
Don't tell me the ending.

Don't worry, I won't.

Where are we?

I don't know.

But wherever we are, it's
not one of their best rooms.

It ain't got no windows.

It's a ship's cabin.
It's been hours.

That cat drugged us after we
went into the barber chair.

Your friend Balsom goes too far!

He's no friend of mine, and
this doesn't smack of Balsom.

You said he called.

I assumed he called.
I could be wrong.

All right, the only thing left for
US to do is to get out of here.

That's very easy.

I saw this movie once...

Oh, no.

Now listen, please.

In the movie, when the guys
fell into a thing,

funnily enough
they fell into a ship, right?

And then, the guys were
locked into a cabin.

And one of the guys heard the
guys walking down the hallway.

He turned around and gave it...

I wouldn't do that if I were
you, you'll fall right on your...

As I was saying, he walked in,

unsuspecting of the guys inside.

The guy inside turned around...

[Grunts]

Brilliant!

It's nice to know I'm not
just another pretty face!

Let's get out of here.

Come on, let's go.

What's wrong?

Nuclear missiles.

What?

We're on a polaris submarine.

So?

That means we're safe,
Charlie boy.

We are?

This is a Royal Navy sub.

It might be
the Royal Navy sub to you,

but to me,
it's the Boston tea party.

Let's get out of here, huh?

Uh-oh, these are
some of my people.

Hello, lieutenant.

[Both grunting]

(Salt) Your people?

Look at this, will you?

Read that.

"Instructions for r-day:

"The Hercules will, as a
warning, fire one nuclear missile

"at the uninhabited
island of maccraw.

"The British government
will have then

"30 minutes in which to resign.

"Failure to do this
will necessitate the fi...

"Failure to do this
will necessitate

"the firing of a second missile

at a densely populated area
of the British Isles."

It's a revolution.

What?

It's a damn revolution!

Chris. Let's get out of here.

Before one of your people Kills

one of my people,
which is namely me!

Tell me, how the hell do
you get out of a submarine?

I don't know, but the
quicker the better.

He's
yours!

Charge!

[Both grunting]

Over there. This way. Follow me.

[Phone buzzes]

It's for you.

[Both laughing]

Now, wait a minute.

It's only fair
for me to warn you

that these are lethal weapons!

[Exclaiming]

[Machine whirring]

[Yelps]

[Alarm ringing]

Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.

Turn off that damn machine.

[Grunts]

[Whirring stops]

Come on.

(Both) Well!

[Both groaning]

[Both yelling]

Rule britannia!

And a yankee doodle dandy!

Voila!

[Siren blaring]

See anything?

Nothing on deck, sir.

Well, shoot on sight. They mustn't
escape alive. Come on, this way.

They've been on deck,
we must be on the surface.

[Siren continues blaring]

[Yells]

(Woodstock)
Right, come on, this way!

We must get them now!

Can you swim?

No, I can't swim!

Go on, get them!

I can swim!

[Both yelling]

What the...

Look, there they are, get them!

[Machine gun firing]

[Man chattering]

[Whistle blowing]

[Dog barking]

Let's go.

[Whistle blowing]

[Dog continues barking]

Over here.

[Salt yelling]

[Water splashing]

[Salt exclaims]

Now this is a sewer!

That's all we need.

I wonder who owns it.

[Water dripping]

There's only one left.

Good work.

That's the river down there.
We'll never get out that way.

Tell you what,
let's hole up in here.

They'll think we got away.
Daylight, we make our break.

Ok.

2 guys were...

Nobody there, sir.

Follow me, this way.

All right, flash your
light over there.

There's no sign of them here.

All right, take your group
and search the river area.

The rest, follow me.
They mustn't escape.

[Salt coughing]

There you are.

Chris? What?

Is this a nightmare?

I hope so.

There's only one thing I
want to know, though. What?

Am I in yours, or
are you in mine?

I know it's late in the day,
prime minister.

I know that my remarks
may sound treasonable.

But one cannot control the
dictates of one's conscience,

and mine would not allow me to
proceed with the plan as outlined.

And what is your alternative,
home secretary?

I'll go ahead with the threat,
but no further.

And if the threat fails?

Then we fail.

Not good enough.

We cannot, must not fail.

Now, gentlemen,

we have to decide on which British
city the atomic missile is to fall,

should it unhappily
be found necessary to fire.

[Birds chirping]

[Chuckling]

Am I glad to see you.

Well, this had better be good,
dragging me out at this hour.

Well, try this, colonel.

Last night we were kidnapped and
taken aboard a polaris submarine.

Taken aboard what?

A British polaris submarine,
called the Hercules.

The Hercules?
She's been at sea for months.

I beg your pardon, she's in a
field 5 miles down the road.

A 9,000-ton submarine?

On dry land? Yeah.

In a field?

Surrounded by barbed wire, guys
with guns, dogs, and tanks.

What he's trying to say is
she's under the utmost security.

Fascinating.

Any idea what it's doing there?

Very simply, revolution.

Revolution.

They are going to
fire an atomic missile

into a desolate island
in the hebrides.

Whatever for?

[Groans]

To show their strength.

Then they're going to ask
the government to resign.

If they refuse, they're going
to send a second missile

into an inhabited area.

They told you all this, of course.
Yeah.

Who are they?

The guys you told us if we ran
into, to get in touch with you.

Well, we ran into them.

On the Hercules?

On the Hercules.

In a field?

In a field.

We have proof on...
Show him the paper.

Why didn't I think of that?

Of course we can... hurry up.

Oh. Remember when we were
in the water up to here,

you had one match,
we couldn't see, I lit...

That was the paper.

No paper.

No paper.

No paper, huh?

No, there's no paper.

But you could
produce the submarine?

Now that we can do.

Why not produce it now?

I can hardly wait.

Well, come on!

Will you come on?

(Salt) Where did they all go?

I mean, the jeeps, the guys
with the guns, and the dogs?

And the submarine?

The submarine!
We know where that is!

Right down the road. Come on.

Well, ain't you comin'?

[Ducks quacking]

(Salt) Where is it?

(Salt) What the...

She was lying right here.

I-I-it's gone.

(Balsom) Submerged, perhaps?

I tell you, it was
right here, colonel.[Cow mooing]

The cow can tell you that. It...

Cows can't talk. Colonel, wait!

Colonel, wait a second!

Colonel, colonel,
you've got to believe us.

Besides everything else,
they're trying to Kill us.

Well, then, they can't
be all bad, can they?

It's a miracle the mock-up
submarine was dismantled in time.

I hope this doesn't slow our men
down on their training program.

Salt and Pepper should never
have been taken aboard anyway.

It wasn't intended
they should be.

A mistake was made, sir.

These last few hours are vital.

Those men must be
found and silenced.

Permanently silenced.

[Bell tolling]

We're clutching at Straws,
prime minister,

looking for any kind of lead.

Find one, Balsom,
and don't fail me.

Need I say more?

(Walters) Hey, Inspector!
Inspector. Inspect...

Do you mind, Walters?

I'm terribly sorry, sir. Look sir,
we... we just caught a man, sir.

Trying to smuggle 2 parcels into
Salt and Pepper's up the fire escape.

I'm... I'm afraid the man got away,
sir, but we got the parcels, sir.

Both addressed to
Salt and Pepper.

This may be the key.
Dope? Drugs?

Contraband.

Exactly, Walters.
Come along to the station.

Right.

It seems I'm surrounded
by incompetents.

Sorry, sir,

but the police must have
been watching the place

and they took the bombs off me.

Oh, go on. Not likely.

Now, about you.

Do you think, uh...

Do you think Pepper
suspects you at all?

Not for a minute.

[Whistling]

My partner. My partner.

Where does he find the time?

(Marianne) Women are expected
to be changeable creatures.

So who am I to change our image?

Well, I think that's very
wise. As a rule...

But it's just that...

Did I ask for a drink?

No, but I did.

♪ [Music playing]

You don't need the music,
either.

Don't need the music.

Come here.

Tell me.

Can you only deal
with women by numbers?

Well, uh, it's just that...

Oh, come now, Mr. Pepper,
where's that celebrated cool?

I just blew it.

[Marianne moaning]

(Marianne) Well, shall
we try it again, then?

[Marianne continues moaning]

(Marianne) Oh, no...

You've been bugging again, Crabbe,
despite my specific orders!

But you cannot use normal methods
in this area, commissioner!

I get 90 percent of
my information this way, sir.

If you'll allow me, sir.

Listen.

[Salt imitating gangster]
Hey, boss, I gota little newsflash for you.

We planted another
bomb in the police station.

Evacuate the...

No, don't you worry, sir.

I'm up to their little tricks.

They know that I'm buggin' 'em.

This is their idea of fun.

You sure?

Absolutely, sir.

[Chuckling] There... there are
no bombs in this station!

Now you relax,
commissioner, Sir.

Have a cup of tea while you're here.
Walters.

I can definitely
assure you, sir,

there are no bombs
in this station.

Oh, yes, commissioner,

Salt and Pepper hoaxed us twice
yesterday, as I expect you heard.

You can take it from me, sir, that
today there is nothing to worry about!

[Bomb exploding]

I was only kidding!

[Siren wailing]

[Whispering] Pepper!

Why did you really come by, hmm?

For 2 reasons.

That's the first.

I like the first.

That's a nice reason.

[Gun fires]

Hey, there's Dovel!

(Salt) So what? We're
leaving London, remember?

We've got to warn him. He's the
only one left alive on that list.

Oh, come on,
let's get the plane tickets.

Look, there's the girl.

The one who planted
the bomb in your place.

Well, do you still
want to warn him?

She may be going to kill him.

Yeah, maybe he's on their side.

And that's why he's walking around alive.
Now let's get out of here!

Charlie, we know the score!

Chris, we... we tried to blow the
whistle, nobody listened to us!

Now, what more can we do?

Follow Dove and the girl. No!

We've taken enough chances.

Charlie,

this may be difficult
for you to understand, but...

It may sound funny, corny,

but once in a while,
I get awfully British.

There are a million lives
at stake.

You understand?

It's ok. You go ahead.

Yeah.

(Salt) Hey!

Glad to see you.

Glad to see you, too.

Well, I didn't want to
get on the plane, you know.

I don't wanna be the first one in.
You can't even get a drink.

Yeah, it's very difficult.

Yeah, it always is. Come on.

Follow that car! Why?

Why? Because they're
the bad guys, dumdum.

And hurry!

(Pepper) Williamsport
military training college?

What's he going in there for?

Maybe he wants to
get his rifle cleaned.

What?

Mmm?

Hello.

What's up, lads? What are
you doing up there, then?

I, uh...

...I... I was just showing
my American friend

some of the more
beautiful English sights.

In that case,
I suggest Piccadilly Circus.

This is government property.

Right you are, constable.

Right you are, sir.
Absolutely right.

Ah, Dove. And how is our
new minister of education?

Well, thank you, prime minister.

Splendid. Make yourself
comfortable.

There's tea and some rather
nasty sandwiches over there.

Oh, thank you.
I don't mind if I do.

[Inaudible]

I think Balsom would be
very interested in this.

Yes.

Incredible, inexcusable
inefficiency!

They know nothing,
prime minister.

They're just 2 frightened men
who've gone into hiding.

You'd better be right,
Woodstock.

[Birds chirping]

(Radio announcer)And
now your afternoon news.

The atomic submarine Hercules
docked at Holy Loch this morning.

The submarine, which is
the first to be equipped

with Britain's new long-range
atomic missiles...

That's it! What's it? What?

That's what Mai Ling said.

She didn't say "Hollyhock,"
she said "Holy Loch."

What was that date?

Uh, June 3.

Holy Loch, June 3.

The polaris docks,
then they hijack her.

Balsom! I'm gonna use
that phone down the road.

See if you can hear any more.
All right.

A warrant has been
issued for the arrest

of Christopher Pepper
and Charles Salt.

Salt, the entertainer, is
believed to be of African descent.

The charges relate to
unauthorized possession

and use of high explosives.

Scotland yard is now conducting
extensive inquiries...

Get out!

Sorry, just passing through.

Marvelous car, marvelous!

Well? I can't get him.
I'll call the police.

No, no, no don't you do that.
Come out here.

They've got
a warrant for our arrest out.

Why? On account of the bomb.

I heard it on
the radio just now.

Well, in that case, Charlie
boy, we are on our own.

On our own? You mean,

you and me against
all of them guys?

You're looking at
a very unhappy African.

What? Oh, never mind.

The mother and all 4 babies
are doing well.

And on that cheerful note,
we end this news.

Now please tune infor
our next news at 9:00.

[Crackling]

(Announcer on t.V.)
People of Great Britain,

here is an announcement of
the greatest importance.

You are asked to tune in
to the unused channel 14 at 7:00 tonight,

when the prime minister
will address the nation.

I'm not speaking
at 7:00 tonight, am I?

N-n-no, prime minister.

[Seagulls crying]

[Man talking over bullhorn]

Relief crew has
reported aboard, sir.

What relief crew?

Sir, the crew
which is just coming down.

Do as you're told
and nobody will get hurt.

I said do as you're told
and nobody will get hurt.

Where are you going?

Uh...

We're one of them.
We're going inside.

Who?

One of the... one of the guys
of the submarine.

You know, one of you.

The bomb.

Show me your numbered pass.

Oh, just forgot it, did we?

I tell you,
I usually have it in my...

[Grunting]

You get better all the time!

My pleasure!

Will you watch it?

Come on, leave it.

Take him off the leash. Come on.

(Woodstock)
The first results show

that the whole nation is primed.

Despite official denials, millions
will be tuned in to watch you.

Splendid.

(Fake prime minister) Corporal!

(Woodstock) Prime minister,
I forgot to tell you.

The lever to signal the
Hercules to launch the missile

will be next to you in the T.V.
Booth. Understood.

As soon as the
outgoing prime minister

has announced the
government's resignation,

you'll be joined here
by your personal guard

and may then proceed to
number 10 downing street.

The end of a long dream, eh, Woodstock?
Yes, sir.

Well, let's get on with it.
Right, sir.

A missile! Those guys must
be nutty as fruitcakes!

Right.

Left! Shoot!

Salt! What?

My pleasure!

Hold it!

[Groans]

Hold it!

Don't use that gun.

I want them alive. And find
out how they got in here.

Right, sir.

There's got to be
a way though, Chris.

We're still alive, aren't we?

I don't know why.

Hey! What?

Why the television?

Prime minister,
2 minutes to telecast, sir.

Right.

Excellent! But I still think
we should put more emphasis

on our doing it for the people.

Our love of them.

I don't know why we need
all this sentimental stuff.

Oh, it's easy to
seize power, Bob,

but it's easier to hang on
to it if they're happy.

All right, all right,
I'll do as you suggest.

Well, good luck. Thank you.

Either nothing
will happen at all

or it's just some
crazy advertising stunt.

If it is, the advertisers can
expect a very nasty budget.

Ah, thank you, Thomas.

The top switch, sir.

Now we've got the fuse,
the dust.

Now we grind the heads of the
matches into a fine powder,

we mix with the dust,
put the fuse in,

compress it all very tightly...

What are you raving about?

The smallest bomb in the world!

We can blow that
door lock off like that!

Ah, it's nearly 7:00.

Do you know something, Charlie?

What?

This just might work.

(Technician)stand by, sir, the telecast
is about to begin.

You're on now, Sir.

People of Great Britain, this
is your prime minister speaking.

It's Bob Weedingham!

I claim to be
your prime minister

because I and my
new cabinet colleagues

will shortly be taking the reins

of government from
the hands of those

who are leading this beloved nation of ours

to a new war and inevitable
nuclear annihilation.

Has he gone mad?

I must tell you frankly that,
in order to save our country,

we are forced toresort to extreme measures.

A specially trained crew
of our supporters

has therefore seized the royal
navypolaris submarine Hercules.

Damn it, those idiots
did know something!

I am giving the incumbent prime
minister exactly 30 minutes

in which to publicly
tender his resignation.

Failing this,
with the deepest regret,

I shall pull this lever
which you now see.

This is a signal, which
will order the Hercules

to destroy with
a nuclear missile

one large center of population

somewhere in the British Isles.

A truly dreadful threat.

But better a million dead now than
our whole nation eventually destroyed.

Lest anyone think
that this is some idle bluff,

I am now signaling the submarine

[machine beeping]

To fire an atomic missile

at the uninhabited island of
maccraw in the outer hebrides.

Hurry up, will you? Yeah.

Now let's get these matches
and light the fuse.

Come on, give me one of
the good matches, will you?

What? Yeah.
One of the good matches.

Um, Charlie.

Yeah?

I ground them all
up for the bomb.

That's good,
give me one of the...

You ground them
all up for the bomb?

We ain't got one left? We don't.

Nothing in the box?

You told me to grind them up.
I know, I know.

Oh...

I can't get over it! The one...

Now that's what I call karate!

[Grunting]

(Salt) Psst.

Hey, over here.

[Groaning]

[Yells]

Thank you.

Not me, you dummy!

(Pepper) Charlie!

[Grunting]

Aha, you dare to challenge
the Marquis de vain? Aha!

"Beat, pass, send you aslant,
asprawl then as I end the refrain"...

Aha, watch this one, baby!
Here it comes! "Thrust home!"

Yuck!

Pepper!

Pepper!

Pepper! Where are you?

Pepper!

(Pepper) Over here!

What are you
doing in that tower?

I saw this movie once,
where 2 guys were...

[shouting]

We will bring you peace and prosperity
such as you have never known,

a guaranteed future
for your children.

[Grunting]

What took you so long?

I told you not to
wander away. You ok?

Yeah. Let's get out.

Good.

I'm sure that when you, my
people, learn of our intentions,

you will welcome us
with open arms.

Strike!

All right, I'll be down.

[Gun fires]

Where? Your right!

Sergeant! Sir.

All right, use your weapons.

But don't shoot to Kill.

I still want them alive.
All right?

[Whispering] Pepper!

Pepper!

[Gasps]

[Groaning]

Gone will be all talk
and threats of war.

We shall return to a secure
and peaceful way of life.

[Grunting]

Salt!

[Pepper grunting]

[Twanging]

I-I'm sure that, uh, we can
rely on your support.

1, 2, 3!

[Machine gun firing]

And at that time, I...

Stop!

Do you ever hear of big Bertha?

Yeah!

Well, this is a long shot.

[Gun fires]

What are you gonna do?

[Grunting] It's our only hope.

Come on, baby!

[Bullets riccocheting]

[Gunfire continues]

For god's sake, pull that
lever and release the missile.

Wait, I've given my word.

If you don't do it now,
you idiot, then I will.

How dare you
threaten the prime minister?

[Grunting]

[Both laughing]

[Crowd cheering]

All right, thank you very
much for a great welcome!

All I can say is that
it's great to be back home!

(Man) 3 cheers for Sir
Christopher and Sir Charles!

Hip hip...

(All) Hurrah!

Hip hip...

Hurrah!

Hip hip...

All right, see you tonight!
See you tonight!

(Salt) Bye!

See you later.

Here, these are for you.

[Crowd chattering]

Well, Sir Charles,
how does it feel?

Well, Sir Christopher, it
feels absolutely beautiful!

Doesn't it, though?

I tell you, I can't get over it!

Hey, that was a nice
thing you did for Crabbe.

What's a new
Jaguar among friends?

And he promises to
be our friend now.

I can't get over it.
You and me at the palace.

Something, wasn't it?

They were so nice to us.

Oh, they're such nice people.
Natural, charming.

And he's much taller
than I ever imagined.

No taller than you today.

Thanks, Chris.

And he was interested
in all the things we did!

Did you see him?
Compact time bomb!

I thought he was
gonna take it apart!

I've never seen...

What is it?

Wait a minute.

How did that get in my pocket?

I haven't seen that since
the Chinese... it's ticking!

Oh, Charlie, will you
stop... it's ticking!

Oh, don't be silly. You don't...

It is ticking!

[Both yelling]

Over here, man
come on, hurry up!

Clear the street! Over here!

The drain!

[People screaming]

[Horn honking]

Oh, no!

One moment please,
gentlemen, Sir Charles.

(Both) Move your car!

No, it's quite all right, gentlemen.
I'm allowed to park here now.

(Both) He won't listen.

But I'd like to thank you.
She's a beauty!

Oh...

Here he comes!

♪ [Salt & Pepper by
Sammy Davis Jr. playing]

♪ You and I
are Salt and Pepper ♪

♪ you and I are eggs and bacon ♪

♪ and unless I'm much mistaken ♪

♪ we're coffee and cream ♪

♪ We would seem
o be sky and sunshine ♪

♪ we need both to make either one shine ♪

♪ you can't name a famous duo ♪

♪ to compare with me and you-o ♪

♪ you and I are great together ♪

♪ so we face our fate together ♪

♪ so in tune they'll wonder ♪

♪ whether we 're
Rogers and Han' ♪

♪ if we part, there will be no show, sir ♪

♪ but together there are
no two closer, no, sir ♪

♪ we blendlike chocolate and malt ♪

♪ salt and pepper ♪

♪ yeah, pepper and salt ♪

♪ You know the next time,
I'm gonna get the girl ♪

♪ That's definite ♪