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00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:04,820
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,250
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:11,670
♪ But where are those
good old fashioned values
4
00:00:11,740 --> 00:00:14,570
ALL:
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:18,150
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,210 --> 00:00:21,630
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
7
00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:23,180
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:24,870
♪ Laugh and cry!
9
00:00:24,940 --> 00:00:30,090
ALL:
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
10
00:00:37,870 --> 00:00:39,620
REPORTER: We now return
to Winona Ryder
11
00:00:39,690 --> 00:00:41,920
distracting from
other speeches in history.
12
00:00:41,990 --> 00:00:44,740
Four score
and seven years ago,
13
00:00:44,810 --> 00:00:48,730
our fathers brought forth
on this continent,
a new nation.
14
00:00:48,790 --> 00:00:50,410
Conceived in liberty
15
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,600
and dedicated
to the proposition
16
00:00:52,660 --> 00:00:54,810
that all men
are created equal.
17
00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,920
Now we are engaged
in a great civil war.
18
00:00:57,990 --> 00:00:59,670
Testing whether that...
19
00:00:59,740 --> 00:01:00,740
Great news, everyone!
20
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:02,760
The new smart phone
from Crabapple is out.
21
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:05,460
The new Crabapple phone?
Awesome! (CHUCKLES)
22
00:01:05,530 --> 00:01:07,860
We may not be able
to afford to send you
to college,
23
00:01:07,930 --> 00:01:11,330
but we can afford to
buy you all $1,000 phones
whenever we like.
24
00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,730
I'm so old
I still remember
when phones cost $800.
25
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,690
That's why I thought
we'd all camp out in line.
26
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,540
I wanna be the first
to get the new phone.
27
00:01:18,610 --> 00:01:20,370
I don't care
if it takes all day.
28
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,590
Don't you have work?
29
00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:23,090
Eh, I wouldn't mind
missing work.
30
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,090
There's a secretary
looking for reassurance
31
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,760
about her
overly short haircut.
32
00:01:28,370 --> 00:01:30,230
I saw it
in a magazine.
33
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:32,220
I needed a fresh start.
34
00:01:32,290 --> 00:01:34,050
Stop pretending
to stare at your phones
35
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:35,310
and just say
you hate it.
36
00:01:35,370 --> 00:01:38,070
Sir, I am trying
to read.
37
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:47,070
Mom, will you tie
my shoes?
38
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:48,900
Just wear
the Velcro ones.
39
00:01:48,970 --> 00:01:51,770
I look like a bus person
with the Velcro ones.
40
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:54,510
Okay, everybody.
Last tinkles and poos.
41
00:01:54,580 --> 00:01:55,660
Gross, Mom.
42
00:01:55,730 --> 00:01:57,740
I'm a mom.
I have to say it.
43
00:01:57,810 --> 00:01:59,910
Man, I can't wait
for a new phone.
44
00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:02,780
Kids, it's time to gather up
our old cords and chargers
45
00:02:02,850 --> 00:02:04,740
that no longer work
and throw 'em in the garbage.
46
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,100
We can't do that.
47
00:02:06,170 --> 00:02:07,720
Don't you know
a lot of discarded
electronics
48
00:02:07,790 --> 00:02:09,590
end up in the ocean
and kill sea turtles?
49
00:02:09,660 --> 00:02:11,290
Well, then,
let's cut out
the middleman.
50
00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:14,790
(GRUNTS) I'm sorry.
There's a new phone.
51
00:02:26,810 --> 00:02:28,710
Hey, gold phone is mine.
52
00:02:28,780 --> 00:02:30,710
Already match fingernail.
53
00:02:30,780 --> 00:02:32,100
(BOTH GROAN)
54
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,470
I was here first.
That's mine.
55
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:38,840
Don't make me get
my very hairy husband
56
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:41,020
or my very hairy son
57
00:02:41,090 --> 00:02:43,060
or my very hairy daughter.
58
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,880
(GRUNTS)
59
00:02:47,050 --> 00:02:49,600
She wanted it
more than me.
60
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:56,050
Peter, I'm just not sure
it's such a great idea
61
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,570
that everyone in the family
got a new cell phone.
62
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,510
Said the woman
who voted for Trump.
63
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:02,440
You never should've
carried me
into that booth.
64
00:03:02,510 --> 00:03:03,510
It's fine, Lois.
65
00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:05,250
Plus, they won't
stay new for long.
66
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,510
I mean, how long
you think it's gonna be
67
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:08,220
before Meg cracks
her screen?
68
00:03:08,270 --> 00:03:09,680
Did she really vote
for Trump?
69
00:03:09,750 --> 00:03:10,770
I'm not sure.
70
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,440
She'd just gotten me
the new Playskool phone
71
00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:15,260
and I was just
swamped with calls that day.
72
00:03:15,310 --> 00:03:17,320
Good morning,
everybody.
(SHATTERS)
73
00:03:17,390 --> 00:03:18,390
Damn it.
74
00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:19,760
She's just gonna
keep it like that
75
00:03:19,810 --> 00:03:20,840
for the next three years.
76
00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:23,460
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMS)
77
00:03:23,530 --> 00:03:25,300
My arm! My arm! Peter!
78
00:03:25,370 --> 00:03:27,130
(SCREAMS)
I'm on fire!
79
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,540
Help me put it out!
80
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,690
(WATER SPLASHES)
81
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:31,890
Damn it!
Those phones
82
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,940
have turned you all
into mindless drones.
83
00:03:34,010 --> 00:03:35,410
I knew this would happen.
84
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,290
Getting those things
was a worse idea
85
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:40,600
than when all those pop stars
committed that skank robbery.
86
00:03:40,670 --> 00:03:42,350
Everybody get
your hands up.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
87
00:03:42,420 --> 00:03:43,650
This is a robbery!
88
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,490
Just put the money
and the giant butt pants
in a bag,
89
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,900
and nobody gets hurt.
90
00:03:47,970 --> 00:03:49,560
We don't have
any giant butt pants.
(GUN FIRES)
91
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:52,510
Oh!
Okay, okay. Give them
the giant butt pants.
92
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,010
And now, since we have
y'alls attention,
93
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,050
we're gonna shriek our latest
single into y'alls earholes.
94
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:02,550
(VOCALIZING)
95
00:04:05,660 --> 00:04:08,560
Today's sermon is about
perseverance.
96
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,580
When I was run out of Boston
by the Spotlight team,
97
00:04:11,650 --> 00:04:13,960
I could have
hung up my collar.
98
00:04:14,030 --> 00:04:15,370
Oh, my God! Again?
99
00:04:15,430 --> 00:04:17,620
You guys have got to
put those away.
100
00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:19,690
You can't be
on your phones in here.
101
00:04:19,750 --> 00:04:22,520
Relax, Lois. It's just
stupid, boring church.
102
00:04:22,590 --> 00:04:23,990
It's not like
we're gonna miss anything.
103
00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:26,930
But instead,
I packed my Bibles
and my Tootsie Pops
104
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,860
and headed down to Quahog
105
00:04:28,930 --> 00:04:31,060
with a renewed sense of spirit
106
00:04:31,130 --> 00:04:32,850
and a renewed reverence for...
107
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,830
Jesus Christ?
(GRUNTS)
108
00:04:37,470 --> 00:04:39,670
(ALL GASPING AND SCREAMING)
109
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,600
What's going on
in there, Ali?
110
00:04:46,660 --> 00:04:48,000
He came back.
How is he?
111
00:04:48,070 --> 00:04:49,580
Mad.
Thanks, Ali.
112
00:04:51,050 --> 00:04:52,520
(CHOIR MEMBERS SCREAMING)
113
00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:55,310
(GASPS)
114
00:04:57,690 --> 00:04:59,040
(GASPING)
115
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,350
(ALL SCREAMING)
116
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:10,090
Let's get out of here,
other altar boys.
117
00:05:12,510 --> 00:05:13,560
(TIRES SCREECH)
118
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,160
(INDISTINCT
POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
119
00:05:17,230 --> 00:05:18,460
(TAPPING ON PHONES)
120
00:05:18,530 --> 00:05:20,600
That's it. Hand over
those cell phones.
121
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,670
What? But we just
got these things.
122
00:05:22,730 --> 00:05:24,650
Yeah, Mom.
That's not fair.
123
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,700
Meg's right.
That's not fair.
124
00:05:26,770 --> 00:05:28,340
I refuse
to let technology
125
00:05:28,410 --> 00:05:30,970
turn my family
into brain-dead robots.
126
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,230
In fact,
you know what?
127
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:34,810
We're finally going to
Old Sturbridge Village.
128
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:35,880
What's that?
129
00:05:35,950 --> 00:05:37,100
It's a place
where you can see
130
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,700
what life was like
before all these screens.
131
00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:42,090
A place where people
farm their own food,
132
00:05:42,150 --> 00:05:45,470
make their own clothing
and read books
for entertainment.
133
00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:46,710
Oh, come on, Lois.
134
00:05:46,770 --> 00:05:48,580
You only wanna go
to Old Sturbridge Village
135
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,060
'cause you once got
hand blasted there
on a field trip.
136
00:05:51,130 --> 00:05:52,760
Yes, let's just say
the candles
137
00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:55,180
weren't the only thing
being hot-dipped.
138
00:05:55,250 --> 00:05:56,870
That place is scary.
139
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:59,170
Reminds me
of The Handmaid's Tale.
140
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:00,850
Yeah. Don't make us
go there, Mom.
141
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,640
That place is so lame.
142
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:06,690
Sorry, gang.
But we're going
to Old Sturbridge Village.
143
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,980
Hey, I'm really sorry
for all this.
144
00:06:09,050 --> 00:06:10,700
My girlfriend just
broke up with me
145
00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:13,600
and she says she's not
giving me back my dog.
146
00:06:13,670 --> 00:06:15,470
And I skipped breakfast.
147
00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:16,570
Will you forgive me?
148
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,290
Are you kidding?
You're Jesus!
149
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,090
We have to
forgive you.
150
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,860
Oh, great, great.
151
00:06:21,930 --> 00:06:22,960
Hey, while I
got you guys here,
152
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,450
would it be cool
if I crashed in your garage
153
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:28,530
until I can figure out
this dog situation?
154
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:32,750
And this is why
you should never
go to church.
155
00:06:36,890 --> 00:06:39,690
MAN: (ON TV) We now return
to Alien vs. Predator
156
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,000
vs. The People
vs. O.J. Simpson.
157
00:06:44,980 --> 00:06:46,680
If it does not fit,
158
00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:48,640
you must lay eggs
in people's stomach
159
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,770
against their will
until they explode.
160
00:06:51,910 --> 00:06:53,260
(WHISPERS)
161
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,240
Objection, Your Honor.
162
00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:56,690
On what grounds?
163
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:57,990
On muddy grounds.
164
00:06:58,060 --> 00:06:59,380
Preferably, in the jungle
165
00:06:59,450 --> 00:07:00,450
where one can ambush
166
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,920
a group of highly-trained
green berets.
167
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:05,900
Your Honor, the predator
is making a mockery
of this court room.
168
00:07:05,970 --> 00:07:06,990
(GROANS)
169
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,010
I'm gonna call
a 30-minute recess
170
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:12,830
to dispose off
Ms. Clark's body.
171
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:13,880
(GAVEL POUNDS)
172
00:07:17,450 --> 00:07:18,450
(CRUNCHES)
173
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:22,950
Peter, you've been quiet.
174
00:07:23,020 --> 00:07:25,070
Yeah. Lois is making me
go on a family trip
175
00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:26,590
to Old Sturbridge Village.
176
00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:28,360
I just got to figure out
how to get out of it.
177
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,130
Whenever I wanna
get out of something,
178
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,750
I just use one of
my previously earned
Cleveland points.
179
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:36,200
I get six a year
in lieu of birthday gifts
180
00:07:36,270 --> 00:07:37,970
to use as I see fit.
181
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,700
Or why not just
pretend to be sick?
182
00:07:39,770 --> 00:07:41,090
You want me to lie?
183
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:42,490
But isn't that a sin?
184
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,920
Peter, there is
no church to return to.
185
00:07:44,990 --> 00:07:47,710
It was destroyed by Jesus
in a ball of fire.
186
00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:49,680
Yeah, why aren't we
following that story?
187
00:07:49,750 --> 00:07:52,050
Because this is
a Godless show.
188
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,570
All right.
I'll do it.
189
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:54,950
I'll pretend to be sick
190
00:07:55,020 --> 00:07:57,120
to get out of going
to Old Sturbridge Village.
191
00:07:57,190 --> 00:08:00,110
Mmm. Still 126.
192
00:08:00,170 --> 00:08:02,540
Oh, I wish
you were feeling
well enough to come.
193
00:08:02,610 --> 00:08:04,810
Maybe I should stay home
and take care of you.
194
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:05,880
No. Go, Lois.
195
00:08:05,950 --> 00:08:08,500
Go watch dead-eyed,
pale women make bread.
196
00:08:08,570 --> 00:08:10,580
Okay, sweetie.
I hope you feel better.
197
00:08:10,650 --> 00:08:11,630
And if you get bored,
198
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,450
there's a fitted sheet
in the dryer
199
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,040
just waiting
to be folded.
200
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:19,980
Peter, you are a genius.
201
00:08:20,050 --> 00:08:23,400
Time to eat a meatball sub
and watch football all day.
202
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,110
Man, this is
an even better scam
203
00:08:25,180 --> 00:08:27,050
than Ferris Bueller's Day On.
204
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,120
Okay, I need you
to file these
205
00:08:29,190 --> 00:08:31,700
and not be working
with a shampoo mohawk.
206
00:08:31,770 --> 00:08:33,540
You know,
life moves pretty fast.
207
00:08:33,610 --> 00:08:35,270
If you don't slow down
once in a while,
208
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:37,540
you might hit two people
in Ireland with your car.
209
00:08:37,610 --> 00:08:39,660
Whatever. Have you
finished calculating
210
00:08:39,730 --> 00:08:42,150
the insurance adjustments
for the Missouri policies?
211
00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:44,980
I used to be the cool kid.
How did I end up here?
212
00:08:45,050 --> 00:08:46,650
You killed someone.
213
00:08:51,910 --> 00:08:52,930
(GRUNTS)
214
00:08:54,630 --> 00:08:56,800
Ah... (GROANS)
215
00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,030
(STRAINS) Uh-oh.
216
00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:00,300
I think I'm stuck.
217
00:09:02,070 --> 00:09:04,690
Hop in. We're headed
to the Jersey shore.
218
00:09:05,890 --> 00:09:07,570
(ENGINE REVS)
219
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,930
Ha! Mere meatballs.
220
00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:50,800
(GROANS SOFTLY AND FARTS)
221
00:09:50,870 --> 00:09:51,890
(SIGHS)
(TIRES SCREECH)
222
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,730
Here it is, kids.
223
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:02,960
Look around you.
224
00:10:03,030 --> 00:10:05,460
It's like Hamilton
but with white people.
225
00:10:05,530 --> 00:10:08,170
Well, that's not
historically accurate.
226
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,150
Welcome to Old Sturbridge
Village, everyone.
227
00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:12,490
Here's a fun fact.
228
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:16,390
In colonial times,
butter and soap
were the same thing.
229
00:10:16,460 --> 00:10:18,090
I get that
it's a fact,
230
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,430
but how is it fun?
231
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,850
Sheesh. How the hell am I
gonna get out of this thing?
232
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:27,370
Lois won't be back
for hours.
233
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:30,640
(STRAINS)
234
00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:31,920
It's no use.
235
00:10:31,990 --> 00:10:33,730
I guess I'm just stuck
236
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,680
halfway down the stairs.
237
00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:50,640
♪ Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair where I sit
238
00:10:50,710 --> 00:10:57,450
♪ There isn't any other stair
Quite like it
239
00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,990
♪ I'm not at the bottom
240
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:04,990
♪ I'm not at the top
241
00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:08,130
♪ So this is the stair
242
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:13,230
♪ Where I always stop
243
00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:15,840
♪ Halfway up the stairs
244
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:19,670
♪ Isn't up, isn't down
245
00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:23,210
♪ It isn't in the nursery
246
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,580
♪ It isn't in the town
247
00:11:26,650 --> 00:11:30,480
♪ And all sorts
Of funny thoughts
248
00:11:30,550 --> 00:11:33,490
♪ Run round my head
249
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:37,490
♪ It isn't really anywhere
250
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,590
♪ It's somewhere else instead
251
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:44,960
♪ Halfway down the stairs
252
00:11:45,030 --> 00:11:48,230
♪ Is a stair where I sit
253
00:11:49,370 --> 00:11:53,140
♪ There isn't any other stair
254
00:11:53,210 --> 00:11:55,810
♪ Quite like it
255
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:59,850
♪ I'm not at the bottom
256
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:03,450
♪ I'm not at the top
257
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:07,350
♪ So this is the stair
258
00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:13,530
♪ Where I always stop ♪
259
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,700
(ALL GASP)
260
00:12:21,770 --> 00:12:24,450
Oh, no! Dad's stuck
in a Starcade.
261
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,540
He must have danced
on the Sabbath.
262
00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:28,830
Somebody was
paying attention today.
263
00:12:28,890 --> 00:12:31,240
Dad, you really
can't get out of there?
264
00:12:31,310 --> 00:12:32,600
How did this
even happen?
265
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:34,900
Do not speak
to the wicked.
266
00:12:34,970 --> 00:12:37,020
Throw heads
of cabbage at him.
267
00:12:37,070 --> 00:12:39,290
(GRUNTING)
268
00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:44,310
Damn it, Peter.
This is all your fault.
269
00:12:44,380 --> 00:12:46,580
I think I know the answer
to this question,
270
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,110
but there isn't a bathroom
271
00:12:48,180 --> 00:12:51,300
in the sixth step of this
staircase, is there?
272
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:52,870
Someone could be
vacuuming the stairs
273
00:12:52,930 --> 00:12:54,030
a little better
than they are.
274
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:56,140
Don't worry, guys.
I can get us out of here.
275
00:12:56,190 --> 00:12:57,890
I'm good
at figuring things out.
276
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,210
Like, when I figured out
the secret of business,
277
00:13:00,270 --> 00:13:02,410
pointing at stuff
during meetings.
278
00:13:15,860 --> 00:13:17,720
Oh, yeah. We forgot
to do business.
279
00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:19,130
We just pointed at stuff.
280
00:13:20,830 --> 00:13:23,950
I'm bored.
We've been here
three hours.
281
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:26,070
Let's try playing
one-word story.
282
00:13:26,130 --> 00:13:28,500
Okay, I'll start.
The...
283
00:13:28,570 --> 00:13:29,570
The...
284
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,620
No, Chris.
Don't repeat what I say.
285
00:13:31,690 --> 00:13:32,690
Say a word.
286
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,970
Word.
No, no.
Not "word."
287
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,080
A word!
288
00:13:36,140 --> 00:13:37,380
A word!
289
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:40,250
Meg, just...
It's your turn.
The.
290
00:13:40,310 --> 00:13:42,580
God, I'm lost.
You guys are
so good at this.
291
00:13:42,650 --> 00:13:44,150
Did I win?
292
00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:46,220
Don't worry, Lois.
I know how to get us
out of the stairs.
293
00:13:46,290 --> 00:13:47,920
I'll just yell
for Quagmire.
294
00:13:47,990 --> 00:13:49,890
Quagmire!
295
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,490
Quagmire!
296
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,430
(SAW WHIRRING)
Quagmire!
297
00:13:55,650 --> 00:13:57,900
Look at that.
That's a beautiful cut.
298
00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:01,720
I've long dreamed
of building a chair
with my male friends.
299
00:14:01,790 --> 00:14:04,940
Yeah, I can't believe
Peter called us 'mos.
300
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,410
(LAUGHS) All right.
301
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,210
(ALL LAUGHING)
302
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,340
(CLATTERING)
303
00:14:11,410 --> 00:14:13,100
Well, that was unexpected.
304
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,870
Well, I really regret
confiscating everyone's
phones now.
305
00:14:21,940 --> 00:14:23,470
How the hell are we gonna
get out of here?
306
00:14:23,540 --> 00:14:25,980
I got no idea,
but we're in trouble.
307
00:14:26,060 --> 00:14:28,630
Even more than
when we were literally
in the game, Trouble.
308
00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:32,110
(ALL GRUNTING)
309
00:14:34,050 --> 00:14:36,040
(ALL SCREAMING)
310
00:14:40,390 --> 00:14:42,730
FedAir delivery.
Someone's here!
311
00:14:42,790 --> 00:14:45,190
Oh, thank God.
We're gonna
get out of this.
312
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,260
Help!
Please help us!
313
00:14:47,330 --> 00:14:49,980
There is a fake rock
with a key in it.
314
00:14:50,050 --> 00:14:51,280
DELIVERY MAN:
I don't see it.
315
00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:53,150
Okay, there's also
a real rock
316
00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:54,670
you could throw
through the glass.
317
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:56,790
DELIVERY MAN:
I found the fake one.
Great.
318
00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,180
Oh, thank God.
Can you get us...
319
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,660
Man, this is gonna
be easier
than I thought.
320
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,680
Wait, you're robbing us?
321
00:15:05,750 --> 00:15:09,800
Sure am. And, apparently,
I can take my sweet time.
322
00:15:16,260 --> 00:15:17,790
(PICTURE FRAME SHATTERS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
323
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,850
Come on in, guys.
324
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,150
(BEATBOX MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
325
00:15:25,220 --> 00:15:27,720
Oh, my God.
It's a burglar party!
326
00:15:27,790 --> 00:15:29,990
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
327
00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:35,530
(GRUNTING)
328
00:15:37,930 --> 00:15:39,830
(GRUNTING)
329
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,540
(GRUNTING)
330
00:15:45,310 --> 00:15:47,810
I've got a package
for a Brian Griffin.
331
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,340
I'm Brian Griffin.
332
00:15:49,410 --> 00:15:51,190
Great, sign here.
Thanks.
333
00:15:51,260 --> 00:15:53,560
(BEEPS)
All right,
you guys.
334
00:15:53,630 --> 00:15:56,070
Who's ready
to have some fun?
335
00:15:56,150 --> 00:15:57,920
(ALL CHEERING)
Yeah!
336
00:15:57,990 --> 00:16:01,040
Hey, Brian, they used
your account to buy
a karaoke machine.
337
00:16:01,110 --> 00:16:03,760
♪ Halfway down the stairs
338
00:16:03,820 --> 00:16:06,980
♪ Is a stair where I sit
339
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,160
Oh, you're kidding me.
They're doing my song.
340
00:16:09,230 --> 00:16:14,050
♪ There isn't any
Other stair quite like it
341
00:16:15,050 --> 00:16:18,390
♪ It isn't in the nursery
342
00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:21,690
♪ It isn't in the town
343
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,800
♪ And all sorts of
Funny thoughts
344
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:28,830
♪ Run round my head
345
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:32,740
♪ It isn't really anywhere
346
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,370
(EXCLAIMS, GRUNTS)
♪ It's somewhere else instead
347
00:16:37,310 --> 00:16:39,760
♪ Halfway down the stairs
348
00:16:39,830 --> 00:16:43,150
♪ Is a stair where I sit
349
00:16:44,150 --> 00:16:47,920
♪ There isn't any other stair
350
00:16:47,990 --> 00:16:50,570
♪ Quite like it
351
00:16:51,460 --> 00:16:54,690
♪ I'm not at the bottom
352
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:58,730
♪ I'm not at the top
353
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,400
♪ So this is the stair
354
00:17:02,470 --> 00:17:07,500
♪ Where I always stop ♪
355
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,530
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
356
00:17:20,530 --> 00:17:22,630
Damn it!
They've taken everything!
357
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:24,690
Crap. I haven't felt
this violated
358
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,520
since I rode that bus
in India.
359
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,660
Excuse me.
These many men
are groping me.
360
00:17:30,730 --> 00:17:33,360
I'm "udderly"
powerless to stop this.
361
00:17:33,430 --> 00:17:36,100
Next stop,
the holy river, Ganges.
362
00:17:36,170 --> 00:17:38,900
Please get your corpses
out of the overhead bins
363
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:40,670
and prepare for dumping.
364
00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:45,640
Anyone got
any other ideas?
365
00:17:45,710 --> 00:17:48,810
Well, Dad got out
during the song.
Let's just do that.
366
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,280
I don't remember
how I did that.
367
00:17:50,350 --> 00:17:52,380
You guys,
we gotta do something.
368
00:17:52,450 --> 00:17:55,080
And it's fine
if the answer is no,
369
00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:57,770
but does the seventh step
have a ladies' room?
370
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,570
Hold on. What if we use
the Crabapple phone's
371
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,310
virtual assistant, Miri?
372
00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:05,290
That way, we could call
a carpenter to cut us
out of this thing.
373
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,030
I locked your phones up,
374
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:08,680
but mine is on my purse
on the floor.
375
00:18:08,750 --> 00:18:10,100
Worth a shot.
376
00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:13,320
In Soviet Russia,
phone calls you.
377
00:18:13,390 --> 00:18:16,090
Chris, knock off Yakov.
Fuck off.
378
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,590
Hey, Miri,
call a carpenter!
379
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:21,290
MIRI: Playing The Carpenters.
380
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,450
No! Call a carpenter!
381
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,980
MIRI: John Carpenter,
born January 16th, 1948,
382
00:18:28,050 --> 00:18:31,590
is an American film director,
screenwriter and producer.
383
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:33,790
Hang on, you probably have
to be more specific.
384
00:18:33,860 --> 00:18:36,210
Hey, Miri,
call a woodworker.
385
00:18:36,260 --> 00:18:37,690
MIRI: Calling Andy Cohen.
386
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,860
Just kidding,
calling a woodworker.
387
00:18:39,930 --> 00:18:42,030
I might have taught
the phone gay jokes.
388
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:45,530
(WHIRRING LOUDLY)
(PHONE RINGING)
389
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,090
Spooner Street Rocking Chairs.
390
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,420
Guys, the yellow pages work.
391
00:18:53,930 --> 00:18:55,080
(CAMERA CLICKS)
392
00:18:55,150 --> 00:18:56,150
I can't post this
till later.
393
00:18:56,210 --> 00:18:58,710
Donna thinks
I'm at the doctor.
394
00:18:58,780 --> 00:19:00,980
Well, if you put it
on Instagram,
be sure to tag me.
395
00:19:01,050 --> 00:19:03,140
No one's ever tagged me.
396
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,410
Wait a second, guys.
See the markings
on this railing?
397
00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:10,110
This is an incredibly rare
turn-of-the-century staircase.
398
00:19:10,180 --> 00:19:11,680
Legally, we're not
allowed to cut into it,
399
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:14,150
because of its tremendous
historical value.
400
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:17,080
(SNIFFS)
Smells like someone's
got doo-doo pants.
401
00:19:17,150 --> 00:19:18,750
Oh, that's me. Sorry.
402
00:19:19,970 --> 00:19:22,890
Is it a tape measure
or a tape measurer?
403
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,760
That's not a tape measure-er.
404
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,390
You're not
measuring the tape.
405
00:19:26,460 --> 00:19:29,000
The tape itself
is doing the measuring.
406
00:19:29,060 --> 00:19:30,960
Would you guys shut up?
Now, I lost count.
407
00:19:31,030 --> 00:19:32,610
Gotta start again.
408
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,080
(SNIFFS) Joe, I think
you'd best go home
and change them pants.
409
00:19:36,150 --> 00:19:37,790
Let's keep it
on the banister.
410
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:39,710
I believe it's called
a baluster.
411
00:19:39,770 --> 00:19:42,040
Well, if this is
of historical value,
412
00:19:42,110 --> 00:19:43,910
I don't think we're
allowed to touch it.
413
00:19:43,980 --> 00:19:47,480
Well, if we can't
cut 'em out of the stairs,
what can we do?
414
00:19:47,550 --> 00:19:49,450
I suppose there's
only one thing.
415
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,970
This type of staircase
was very typical of the era.
416
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:56,050
The wood itself
is a hardy
Rhode Island pine,
417
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,480
which was almost completely
wiped out by the German aphid,
418
00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:01,460
which was oddly
brought by the Swedes
419
00:20:01,530 --> 00:20:02,780
during the Great Depression,
420
00:20:02,850 --> 00:20:05,000
which, for those of you
who are too young,
421
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:07,700
was like a decade-long case
of the Mondays.
422
00:20:07,770 --> 00:20:11,000
Well, I'm guessing you folks
are from out of town, too.
423
00:20:11,070 --> 00:20:14,470
(ALL LAUGHING)
424
00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:23,380
Well, you guys, I guess
we all learned something
425
00:20:23,450 --> 00:20:26,150
about not letting
technology rule our lives.
426
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,850
And, Mom, next time
we get baluster slats,
427
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:32,120
let's make sure
there's enough room
to get our heads out.
428
00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:34,540
(ALL LAUGHING)
429
00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:37,460
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
29097
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