All language subtitles for Family Guy - S17E20 - Adam West High

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things
that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Family Guy
is filmed before a live
studio audience.

That's Carol,

Lois' sister who was married
to Mayor West,

- but now he's dead.
- I love you, Carol!

We're glad you could come over
for dinner tonight, Carol.

Thank you for having me.

I've been having such a hard
time since Adam passed away.

Aw...

I want to squeeze your butt
and then take your pants down

and look at your butt!

We still can't believe
he's gone.

He was such a great mayor,
and a great uncle to the kids.

Wait, Uncle Adam is dead?

Yeesh. How many people
has this show killed?

- Yeah, we're all gonna miss...
- Hey, don't touch me, man!

I'm leaving. I know-I know
what I did. I'm leaving.

Yeah, we're all gonna miss
Mayor West.

You know what'll make you
feel better, Aunt Carol?

Doing an Indian guy.

Meg, stop eating with
the serving spoon.

Nah.

I just wish there was
some way we could honor

Adam's memory here in town.

You know what we should do?

We should rename
the high school
for Mayor West.

What, you mean change it
from James Woods High?

Yeah. James Woods
is an embarrassment to Quahog.

He's a political troll
and a maniac on Twitter.

I think that's a great idea,
Brian.

You should meet
with Principal Shepherd

and suggest it.

Awesome.
And while
you do that,

I'll make a special video
dedication reminding people

of how great Mayor West was.

♪ Oceans apart ♪

♪ Day after day ♪

♪ And I slowly go insane ♪

♪ I hear your voice ♪

♪ On the line ♪

♪ But it doesn't stop ♪

♪ The pain ♪

♪ If I see you ♪

♪ Next to never ♪

♪ How can we ♪

♪ Say forever ♪

♪ Wherever you go ♪

♪ Whatever you do ♪

♪ I will be ♪

♪ Right here waiting
for you... ♪

So, you'd like
to rename the school?

Yes. To Adam West High.

Well, you're a talking dog...
you probably know
what you're doing.

Let's do it.

Damn it!

The only thing
that's left to do now

is for you to pay the normal
$1,000 principal meeting fee.

What?! Wait a minute.

Do you have a gambling problem?

Me? I don't have
a gambling problem.

Points! Just score points!

I don't care who.

Principal Shepherd,
someone named Eddie Payups

is here to see you.

Tell him I need one minute.

Anyway, great idea.
We'll have a ceremony

to change the name
of the school this week.

What's the score
of that game right now?

It's, uh, 85-75.

Ugh! Not enough.

Wow, we did it.

We changed the name
of the school.

Well, you know, it was
the right thing to do, Brian.

Like when I had
to give bad news
to that improv team.

I called you here to tell you
that you're all 45 years old.

Go home
and be with your children.

Thank you, everybody,
for coming today

as we honor one
of Quahog's finest citizens,

Mayor Adam West.

We will start today's ceremony

with the traditional
21-cat launcher salute

to honor our wacky
but beloved mayor.

Ready! Aim!

Meow!

Beautiful.
Now, to unveil
our new sign,

we've invited HGTV's
Chip and Joanna Gaines,

who are here to prove
that their show didn't
ruin their marriage.

All right, Quahog,
are you ready
to see your new sign?

Yeah!

Oh, a-are we going that way?

I don't know, Joanna.
What direction are we going?

♪ ♪

Uh-oh.

Thank you.
Uh, please, uh,
stick around

for refreshments and snacks
in the gymnasium.

Go, go, Principal Coffee Breath!

Looking for someone?

I like this episode.

♪ ♪

Brian, wait.
Oh, hey, Carol.

Do you need me
to walk you to your car

in case the studio
audience guy
shows up?

No, he killed himself
in my downstairs shower.

Oh, good. That's good.

I just wanted
to thank you for what
you did today for Adam.

He was a great man.

You know,
I see a lot of him in you.

Oh, no.
Are we gonna kiss?

We're gonna kiss, aren't we?
I came here to say

that what you did was
very honorable.

It showed real leadership,

and I think you should be
the next mayor of Quahog.

Ah, damn it!

Oh, I couldn't do that.

I don't know anything
about politics.

Although crazier things
have happened.

Harry Truman didn't have
any experience.

Of course he did.
He was vice president,

and before that,
a United States senator.

Oh, word?

Brian, is this gonna be
a politics episode?

I-I think it might be.

No one likes those.

So, Carol was just going
on and on about how
I should be mayor.

And it's got me thinking,
it is an interesting idea.

You think I should do it?
Absolutely not.

I mean, if not me, who?
Anyone.

If not now, when?
Never.

You know, why not me?
A million reasons.

I mean, who do you want in
there, some career politician?

Yes.
What are they gonna do?

Govern.

Thanks, Stewie.
Your support means a lot.

You don't have it.
You know what? I'm gonna
do it.

Guys, I have an announcement.

I'm gonna run for mayor.
That's a terrible idea.

You idiot, Brian.
Meg, fart on Brian.

I can't.
I don't have
one in the chamber.

The one time I give you
a chance, you're not ready.

Chris, tag in for Meg.

See that kid?
He's a gamer.

Great job, Chris.
Now, go hit the showers.

Meg, you miss 100%
of the farts you don't take.

That kid's going places.
He's going all the way.

If only they knew.

That's my boy!

Welcome back, Quahog.
And now it's time

for a new segment on our show
called "On the Same Sofa,"

in which a guest and I
have a conversation

while sitting on the same sofa.

My guest tonight is mayoral
candidate Brian Griffin.

Thank you for coming, Brian.
Pleasure, Tom.

And thank you for allowing me
up on the furniture.

I don't always
get to do that.
Oh, word?

Now, I understand
you're running unopposed.

That gives you a bit
of an advantage, doesn't it?

Well, Tom,
I welcome a challenger.

Not the one that exploded,
but, um...

That's probably gonna get me
in trouble right there.

Good thing
I'm running unopposed.

Well, we've now reached
the middle of the interview,

where I ask the guest,
"How's the sofa so far?"

So, Brian,
how's the sofa so far?

So far, so-so.

I see. Sophie?

So far we've got a so-so sofa.

Great. Okay, Tom,
we go live in three,

two...
What? None of that aired?

It's all right,
we can recreate it.

And you're on.

So, Brian, I understand
you like eating your own poop.

What's that about?

Yech. Turn that off.

I can't believe we're
gonna have a dog for mayor.

We're gonna be
the laughingstock
of the whole country.

Even Sean Hannity's
talking about us.

He's a weird-looking guy.

Put up a picture
of Sean Hannity.
Can we do that?

Yeah, Tosh does it
all the time. Put it up.

Yeah, he does look weird.

Yeah. Who does he look like?

I'm seeing Mr. Doubtfire.

High-sodium Superman?

He looks like
an angry face
drawn on a thumb.

The richest guy at Rite Aid?

Or the mayor who won't close

the beaches in Jaws.

Wreck-It Ralph
at a job interview.

You know that's a guy

who's roughly led his wife
out of parties by the elbow.

A guy whose
ice cream parlor
just went broke.

He looks like a handsome Weeble.

Or a hot Frankenstein.

Yeah, but either way,
he's that Little League coach

the parents hope
their kids don't get.

He looks
like a fish that
inflates to scare predators.

The inside trader
who kills himself

the day his prison sentence
is supposed to start.

I'm thinking
Fred and Barney's son.

Trust me on this.
Strip club lunch regular.

I feel like that's a dad

who's ripped his kid's posters
off the wall.

And sleeps in pajamas
buttoned to the top.

72-ounce steak contest entrant.

Drowned-in-the-lake-
last-month Colin Farrell.

All right, that was fun.

Hey, let's do Matthew Perry.
I'll start.

He looks like a pelican

trying to swallow
a fish that's too big.

Barn owl in human skin.

He looks like he told a genie

he wished to be
a pool noodle.
Hey, guys?

Friends brings
me a lot of joy,
so can we stop this?

♪ Hail to the dog ♪

♪ Every tree in town
is mine now ♪

♪ Open the window ♪

♪ I'm gonna bite the air. ♪

What's this?

Well, looks like
stolen property and
vandalism, for starters.

Uh, can you hang on?
I'm finishing
a phone interview.

And that's why
I would never joke

about the Space Shuttle
Challenger tragedy.

I can't believe
I said that twice.

Now, how can I help you, Brian?

Why are you doing this?
Why are you running for mayor?

Uh, let me think.
Oh, yeah. Out of spite.

Spite for you.

That's not a reason
to get into politics.

It's the only reason
to get into politics.

Well, you're
just wasting your time,

because you're not gonna win.

I don't know about that.

You seem pretty afraid.

The only thing I'm afraid of

are fire truck sirens
and things that
look like faces.

Fine. See you at the debate.

Fine!

What are you gonna wear?
I don't know.

I was thinking, like, a
collared shirt,
jacket, no tie.

Yeah, yeah, no tie.
Yeah, definitely no tie.

That son of a bitch.

Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker,
and I will be

your moderator
for tonight's
mayoral debate.

Not because I want to,
but because it counts

as community service
for open-hand smacking

an Uber Eats guy.

Let's meet our candidates.

First, the impeccably-dressed
Glenn Quagmire.

Thank you, Tom.
Is that a Windsor knot?

Double Windsor, Tom.

Excellent.
Some might describe

that tie as "mayoral."

Next up, we have
super-caj Brian Griffin.

I was gonna wear a tie.
He told me not to.

He's already losing,
and it hasn't started yet.

First question:
as candidates for mayor,

how do I put my apps
into a folder?

I know how to get them shaky,

I just can't get them
in a folder.

You just drag them
into each other.

But you know what else is shaky?

My opponent's economic plan.

It's irresponsible
for the town to get
two credit cards

and just swap the balance
back and forth each month.

But-but the town
would get miles.

Whoa, so I can just name
the folder whatever I want?

"Tom's Stuff."

Okay, Tom, we go live
in three, two...

Good evening, Quahog,
and welcome to your
mayoral debate.

What the...
None of that aired?
I was totally winning.

That's okay, we'll recreate it.

Now, Mr. Quagmire,
you're a dirty sex fiend.

Why would you wear a tie
to a casual debate?

Good question, Tom.

And I'll answer that
with one word: pizza!

Damn it, he burned me twice.

And, you're not gonna,
like, bring pizza for
everyone, right?

No, it's a debate.
They'll have food there.

Right, they'll have
food there. Okay, so,
no tie, no pizza.

I'll see you there.

Open the door, Quagmire.

Hey, Brian. I was just
emptying my bus garbage.

Would you like to eat it first?

What's the catch?

God, you're a dumb beast.

Come on in.

Have a seat, Brian.
I'm fine standing, thank you.

Let's cut the crap. The only
reason you're running is...

to make me look ridiculous.

And I am not just some idiot

to be laughed at
and not taken seriously.

Ha! Sit down, Snoopy.

What did you say?

I said,
"Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog."

You son of a bitch!

You idiot! He's allergic
to getting hit in the head!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, we're gonna die!

Calm down, Brian.
This bus has OnStar.

OnStar roadside assistance.

Yes, our bus went
over a cliff.
We need help.

Glenn?

I-Is this Glenn Quagmire?

Yes, sweetheart.
Hi, who's this?

It's Melissa.
From the Ramada Inn.

Oh.

The Framingham Ramada Inn
or the Cranston Ramada Inn?

Cranston.

Oh, yeah, we're gonna die.

I think my leg is broken.

Oh, my God, how are we gonna
get down from here?

You think he's dead?
I don't know.

Hey. Hey, buddy?

What's his name?
Uh, it's something Spanishy.

I-I think it starts with a "G"?

G-Gerr, G-Ga, Goo...

Goo, Goo-gar... Goo-gardo.
G... Yeah, that's it,
Googardo.

That doesn't sound
like any name.

Well, sure it does.
Googardo?

Say something
if you're okay, Googardo.

The more you say it,
the more it doesn't
sound like anything.

Googardo? Move something
if you're alive, Googardo.

Oh, my God!
Oh, look, there's his jacket.

Oh, yeah, his name was Frank.

I can't believe this.
I'm gonna
die with Glenn Quagmire.

Hey, dying with Glenn Quagmire
was good enough for Googardo.

Vaya con Dios, Googy.

Please don't use
the familiar form

of a guy's name you never knew.

What was I thinking getting
on this bus with you?

It was dumber than when Peter
hired that raccoon accountant.

All right, well,
you're the money guy.

Let's put it all in
to slightly-open trash cans.

You have anything
to eat in here?

Yeah, there's some
edible underwear

in that bag over there.

Ugh, isn't there anything else?

I have a ball of peanut butter
with a pill inside.

Hmm, wish you hadn't told me
about the pill.

You know,
this underwear's not bad.

Are they
for your political groupies?

No, these-these are men's.

They're-they're mine.

Quagmire, why did you
even want to be mayor?

Honestly? I just want
a street named after me.

I think that's kind of cool.

Actually, that is kind of cool.

Why did you want to be mayor?

Mayor West told me he
went to 65 pancake
breakfasts a year.

That number...
That-that stuck with me.

What, like, the...
like, the pancakes were free?

Yeah.
65.

That-That's, like, pancakes
every Saturday morning

and probably some Sundays.

And sometimes it's, like,
kids making the pancakes,

and-and you get
these mondo huge ones.

Wow.

Probably no
chocolate chip pancakes,
though.

Are you kidding me?
65 a year, you're gonna get

at least eight to ten
chocolate chip pancake events.

You think eight to ten?
Yes.

And now that
I say it out loud,
eight to ten sounds low.

So, pancakes is why
you wanted to be mayor?

Well, pancakes and...
look at the people
in our town.

Who else is gonna do it?
I know.

This is such a garbage town.

You know,
when you think about it,

we're really
the only two
viable candidates.

I mean, you're a pilot.

You're responsible
for people's lives.

You make quick decisions.

Or the machinery in the plane
makes quick decisions.

M-My point is,
you're a smart guy.

Thank you.

And now you say something nice
about me.

Like what?
Like I'm good company,

and I'm smart and funny,

and I'm invited
to all your pool parties.

And I should just come
over if I hear one
of them going on.

No, thank you.

But... but you have to.

I'm not gonna say something
I don't mean

just because
your ego needs to hear it.

See? That's why
I ran against you.

Because I know that's the only
reason you were doing this.

You're a complete tool!

You do sound
like kind of a tool.

See? Even Melissa from OnStar
thinks you're a tool.

You've been listening
this whole time?

There's nothing to do at OnStar.

People have iPhones now.

I just listen in to cars.
Sometimes there's sex.

Screw this. We just got
to get out of this bus.

Regardless of what we think
of each other,

this is no way for us to die.

I'm gonna try
and climb up to the street

and see if I can get help.
Just be careful.

I don't know how stable
this thing is.

Oh, my God.
You just got hit in the throat

with a gentleman's dildo.

Hey, Melissa.
What? What happened?

He got hit in the throat
with a gentleman's dildo.

See,

this is why I listen.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Mayor West?

Hey, guys. Don't mind me.

I'm gonna go steal
that bus driver's identity.

The Celtics
are free money tonight!

Well, Lois, you almost had
a female president.

I almost had a dog mayor.

I can't believe
they canceled the election

after they thought Brian
and Mr. Quagmire were dead.

Does that mean
we still need a mayor?

It sure does, America.

Who do you think should be
the next mayor of Quahog?

Register your votes
at fox.com/family-guy.

Your votes don't count.
It's a trick.

They're just tracking your data.

No, it's not. No, it's not.

Is Mr. Quagmire okay
after the accident?

Yeah, he's fine.
He's having one
of his private pool parties.

Hey, girls. Thanks for coming.

Is your voice still broken
from the accident?

No, no,
I-I'm just trying
to be quiet.

Grab yourself a drink.

I'm gonna have some chips first.

No, no, no!

Is that a pool party I hear?

Cannonball!

And that was the moment
I remembered...

Quagmire doesn't have
a swimming pool.

I want to be a mayor

in real life.

So I'm here to ask you

to make me the mayor
of your town.

Vote for me, Adam West.

It'll be a home run.

Ugh.

It'll be a home run.

Pow!