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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
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00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:08,140
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,810
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,646
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,503
♪ Lucky there's a man whopositively can do ♪
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00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:23,132
♪ All the thingsthat make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,616
Coming up, we interview a man
12
00:00:37,654 --> 00:00:39,488
who went
a whole Hawaiian vacation
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00:00:39,556 --> 00:00:41,868
without giving
a "hang loose" sign
in a picture,
14
00:00:41,892 --> 00:00:44,325
and also didn't
do the "lei" joke.
15
00:00:44,394 --> 00:00:47,195
You won't believe
this incredible story.
16
00:00:47,263 --> 00:00:49,998
Oh, wait, he's a Japanese man?
17
00:00:50,066 --> 00:00:51,500
Doesn't speak English.
18
00:00:51,568 --> 00:00:54,286
So... so he just
didn't know.
19
00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:56,054
Happy birthday, Brian.
20
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:57,850
We bought you a cake
with the groceries,
21
00:00:57,874 --> 00:01:01,071
so it got smashed
by a jug of Tide
in the car.
22
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:02,627
Open your presents.
Yeah.
23
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,463
You got one from Rami Malek,
24
00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:07,015
star of Mr. Robot.
25
00:01:07,084 --> 00:01:10,953
Wow, he gave me
the dark circles
around his eyes.
26
00:01:11,021 --> 00:01:12,587
Aw, cool.
27
00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:15,223
Did he also include
his dead-soul monotone?
28
00:01:15,291 --> 00:01:17,959
No, I don't...
Oh, oh, wait, hang on.
29
00:01:18,028 --> 00:01:19,271
I didn't see it at first
30
00:01:19,295 --> 00:01:21,696
because it was
under some tissue paper.
31
00:01:21,765 --> 00:01:25,400
Now open mine.
Minions 3?
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00:01:25,468 --> 00:01:29,687
Yeah. In this one,
Gru has been replaced
by Harvey Weinstein.
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00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,590
Oh, you like
working for bad guys?
34
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:34,259
I'll show you a bad guy.
Now you touch it.
35
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:35,894
You know what to touch.
36
00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:38,696
B-Banana.
37
00:01:41,485 --> 00:01:43,919
Well, thanks, everyone.
38
00:01:43,988 --> 00:01:46,137
What's wrong?
You seem a little down.
39
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,856
Nothing, it's just that...
40
00:01:47,925 --> 00:01:49,858
I don't know,
my-my birthday is just...
41
00:01:49,927 --> 00:01:53,261
it's kind of a reminder
that I'm now one year
closer to death,
42
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:55,497
with nothing to show
for my time here.
43
00:01:55,566 --> 00:01:57,682
Can I get a Minion cake
for my next birthday?
44
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,729
We'll see, Peter.
Like, a real one.
45
00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,469
Like-like, not you makin' it.
46
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:05,106
Someday I'll be gone,
and it'll be like
I was never here at all.
47
00:02:05,175 --> 00:02:07,609
Aw, he is depressed.
48
00:02:07,678 --> 00:02:08,821
Sad little guy.
49
00:02:08,845 --> 00:02:11,846
Let's not project people
emotions onto animals.
50
00:02:11,915 --> 00:02:14,782
I just want my story
to live on,
even after I'm gone.
51
00:02:14,851 --> 00:02:17,380
You know, I always
did want to write
my autobiography.
52
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,332
Yeah, it's hard to work
when you get distracted
53
00:02:19,356 --> 00:02:21,401
whenever someone says,
"What's that?"
What's what?!
54
00:02:21,425 --> 00:02:24,037
You know what?
Maybe I can lend
you a hand, Brian.
55
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,738
I'll help you
write your biography.
56
00:02:25,762 --> 00:02:27,595
Really? You-you'd do that?
57
00:02:27,664 --> 00:02:31,384
Yes. After all,
I helped Cleveland
with his wardrobe.
58
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:33,597
Hey, Cleveland,
you know I love you,
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00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,565
but those jeans...
They ain't for you.
60
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:38,357
I knew it. I think
I just needed to hear it.
61
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:40,091
Thank you, Peter's baby.
62
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,595
Uh-uh.
Copy that.
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00:02:47,551 --> 00:02:49,851
We now return to Allison Janney
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00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,320
in Hello, Sexy.
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00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,829
♪ ♪
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00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,664
And, uh, to your left,
67
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,544
you'll see a joke
about Allison Janney
68
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:22,901
being very, very tall.
69
00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:24,703
Uh, she has an Oscar,
70
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:26,892
and we have a great deal
of respect for her.
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00:03:28,926 --> 00:03:30,403
You know, I had a terrific...
Uhp.
72
00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:32,360
No, sorry. You go.
Okay.
73
00:03:32,428 --> 00:03:35,129
I found a lump
on my scrotum this morning.
74
00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:38,217
You done? Yeah?
75
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:40,785
I had a terrific sandwich,
uh, yesterday.
76
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,021
Boy, they are doing a lot
with mayo these days.
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00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,706
I have no doctor.
78
00:03:49,946 --> 00:03:52,714
You know that UPS lady
with the super-bruised legs?
79
00:03:52,783 --> 00:03:53,960
Well, one time...
80
00:03:55,285 --> 00:03:57,786
What...
Uh, what-what's going on?
81
00:03:57,854 --> 00:04:00,588
Quagmire, are you okay?
82
00:04:01,958 --> 00:04:02,998
Where's he going?
83
00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,421
Looks like Quagmire...
I think he...
84
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:07,862
Boy, you and me today, huh?
85
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,452
He's, like, hypnotized.
Do we wake him?
86
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,137
That could be perilous.
87
00:04:24,948 --> 00:04:27,260
I was happyto see thatnew massage parlor.
88
00:04:27,284 --> 00:04:29,450
But deep down, I was
disappointed that
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00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,197
we took a shot
at Allison Janney,
90
00:04:31,221 --> 00:04:33,221
just because she can
dunk a basketball.
91
00:04:33,256 --> 00:04:34,823
I mean, she has an Oscar,
92
00:04:34,892 --> 00:04:37,726
and we have a great deal
of respect for her.
93
00:04:41,681 --> 00:04:44,349
All right, Brian,
time to get to work
on your biography.
94
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:45,984
Now, let's start
with an interview.
95
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:47,652
Who would you say is your hero?
96
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,799
Well, I guess
maybe Martin Luther King.
97
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,057
Okay, maybe someone
you see every day.
98
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,525
Uh, well, I guess Peter is...
99
00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:56,034
No, no, no.
Li-Like somebody younger.
100
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,376
Li-Like younger than you, even.
101
00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:58,741
Like that-like that
kind of hero.
102
00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:00,276
Well, I guess Meg and Chris.
103
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,700
Let's take Meg and Chris
as a given.
104
00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:03,401
Anyone else
you maybe look up to?
105
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:06,037
I guess Lois...
We did say younger,
did we not?
106
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:09,207
Well, uh, I guess
that leaves... you.
107
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:12,643
Oh, boy, embarrassing.
That backfired, didn't it?
108
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:14,545
So, I should put me, then?
109
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,214
Yes, fine.
110
00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:19,550
Now, another important part
of any book: the dedication.
111
00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:22,153
It's not uncommon
for an author
to dedicate his book
112
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,956
to his hero,
who you have listed as...
113
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,458
Oh, no, this is...
114
00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,076
Oh, this is embarrassing.
115
00:05:31,014 --> 00:05:33,134
We already did this.
I got some free time.
116
00:05:44,394 --> 00:05:46,728
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
It's about time.
117
00:05:46,797 --> 00:05:48,173
Thanks to you,
we got leapfrogged
118
00:05:48,197 --> 00:05:49,563
by Seamus' foursome.
119
00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:53,567
Ha. Golf club hands.
120
00:05:53,636 --> 00:05:55,469
Hey, could one of you
spot me the greens fees?
121
00:05:55,538 --> 00:05:57,638
I blew all my money
at the massage parlor.
122
00:05:57,707 --> 00:05:59,886
Sheesh, you're sure
spending a lot of money
at that place.
123
00:05:59,910 --> 00:06:01,353
How much you pay
one of them masseuses?
124
00:06:01,377 --> 00:06:02,794
Eh, 200 bucks.
125
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,775
200 bucks?
That's what I paid
for Reading Railroad.
126
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:08,233
What kinda medical benefits
do those masseuses get?
127
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,384
I think they see
the Chinese vet
down the street.
128
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:12,431
Well, that's all
the information I need
129
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,466
to make a binding
vocational choice.
130
00:06:14,490 --> 00:06:17,670
Guys, I'm gonna
become a professional
massage therapist.
131
00:06:17,694 --> 00:06:19,360
What?
Are you serious, Peter?
132
00:06:19,429 --> 00:06:21,996
You bet. I could always
use some extra cash.
133
00:06:22,065 --> 00:06:24,143
Plus, I've handled
bigger challenges before.
134
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:26,162
You know, I was once
in the Blue Man Group.
135
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,169
Peter, what's wrong
with your paint?
136
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:36,211
Remember when I asked
for a five-minute break?
137
00:06:40,083 --> 00:06:42,450
Hey, Stewie,
which title do you like
for the biography,
138
00:06:42,519 --> 00:06:45,787
Barking Up the Right Tree...
You catch that?
139
00:06:45,855 --> 00:06:49,641
Or Are You There, Dog?It's Me, Brian.
140
00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:51,421
Oh, about that...
I was meaning to tell you,
141
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:52,894
your biography is finished.
142
00:06:52,962 --> 00:06:55,329
Already? Wow.
Print me up a copy.
143
00:06:55,398 --> 00:06:57,782
Done, Brian.
Look behind you.
144
00:07:01,204 --> 00:07:03,455
Whoa, ass ahoy.
145
00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,684
Classic.
Stewie, this isn't a book.
146
00:07:05,708 --> 00:07:08,410
Brian, it's 2019.
We're living in a post-book,
147
00:07:08,478 --> 00:07:10,478
Post Raisin Bran society.
148
00:07:10,547 --> 00:07:11,979
So enjoy your new robot,
149
00:07:12,049 --> 00:07:14,226
and enjoy a bowl
of Post Raisin Bran.
150
00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:17,818
Post Raisin Bran:
like Kellogg's, but worse.
151
00:07:17,887 --> 00:07:19,637
Stewie, what about my biography?
152
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:22,824
This robot is a living record
of you and your history.
153
00:07:22,892 --> 00:07:24,959
It knows you
and your mannerisms,
154
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,188
and it will exist
long after you're gone.
155
00:07:27,230 --> 00:07:29,648
Brian, in every sense
of the term,
156
00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:32,250
Robot Brian is your biography.
157
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,486
This is how
you'll be remembered, forever.
158
00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:36,254
Whoa, ass ahoy.
159
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,622
He says that a lot.
160
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,702
He's also got
an interchangeable
memory bank,
161
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:42,827
an expandable encyclopedia
database, and, as a bonus,
162
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,073
the new U2 album.
163
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,742
Oh. I don't want
the new U2 album.
164
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,382
You don't get a choice.
165
00:07:53,290 --> 00:07:55,823
So this is
a robot version of me?
166
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,193
Not just
a robot version, Brian.
It's like another you,
167
00:07:59,262 --> 00:08:02,141
uploaded with
your genetic code,
your cognitive patterns,
168
00:08:02,165 --> 00:08:03,742
and your entire life story.
169
00:08:03,766 --> 00:08:06,100
"Oh, no,
Stewie's time machine broke,
170
00:08:06,169 --> 00:08:08,702
and now we are stuck
in the history past."
171
00:08:08,771 --> 00:08:10,516
Well, that is
one of my catchphrases.
172
00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:12,352
I don't talk
that robotically, though.
173
00:08:12,376 --> 00:08:14,187
That'll go away.
He will evolve
174
00:08:14,211 --> 00:08:15,938
as he gathers
more and more data.
175
00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:18,697
"Fire hydrants, images."
"Fire hydrants, news."
176
00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,415
"Fire hydrants, near me."
177
00:08:20,484 --> 00:08:22,712
Now what's he doing?
Oh, he's also been uploaded
178
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,480
with your
Internet search history.
179
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:28,305
"Yahoo Answers: Is Anton
Yelchin's jeep for sale?"
180
00:08:28,374 --> 00:08:30,708
Ooh, shame on you, Brian.
181
00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:32,309
It's legitimate memorabilia!
182
00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:34,178
"Applebee's,
Brittany, Quahog."
183
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,347
"Brittany
Applebee's waitress, blonde."
184
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,716
"Quahog, Applebee's,
Brittany, who is."
185
00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:41,318
"Blonde waitress,
Brittany, Quahog, Applebee's."
186
00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:42,854
"Brittany Babbit,
home address."
187
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,606
Oh, good, you found it.
188
00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:50,678
Peter?
What are you doing here?
189
00:08:50,746 --> 00:08:51,791
I work here now.
190
00:08:51,815 --> 00:08:53,815
You what?
Why would they hire you?
191
00:08:53,884 --> 00:08:56,484
I don't know that they did.
Nobody ever picks me, though.
192
00:08:56,552 --> 00:08:59,165
Just Bruce.
And his towel
keeps falling off,
193
00:08:59,189 --> 00:09:00,688
and he keeps saying, "Oops."
194
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,202
I don't know,
the towels here
are very fally-offy.
195
00:09:03,226 --> 00:09:04,926
Damn it.
Goodbye, Peter.
196
00:09:04,995 --> 00:09:06,372
Wh-Where you goin'?
Home.
197
00:09:06,396 --> 00:09:09,797
I can't come here anymore,
you've made it weird.
198
00:09:09,866 --> 00:09:12,628
You have one
that looks like
snowboarder Chloe Kim?
199
00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:16,212
She turned 18,
so I can say that
out loud now.
200
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,942
Robot Brian,
it's so great
that you're here.
201
00:09:22,012 --> 00:09:24,478
I need a partner
for a project
I've been working on.
202
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,867
But, sir, Dogbook was our idea.
203
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,902
It was stolen
by Bark Zuckerbark.
204
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:32,270
And who are you again?
205
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:36,224
We're the Barklevoss twins.
And... scene.
206
00:09:36,293 --> 00:09:37,569
So, what do you think?
207
00:09:37,593 --> 00:09:39,894
I think it's great.
I have no notes.
208
00:09:39,963 --> 00:09:42,108
It's called The Barkial Network.
209
00:09:42,132 --> 00:09:44,866
How come you didn't
call it Barkbook?
210
00:09:44,935 --> 00:09:48,352
I thought you said
you didn't have any notes.
211
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,742
I got you dropped
from jury duty.
212
00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,355
Oh, great.
What line did you use?
213
00:09:56,379 --> 00:09:58,479
"I have read
about this exact case..."
214
00:09:58,548 --> 00:10:02,050
That's good.
"on hotsy-totsy
Nazi dot com."
215
00:10:02,118 --> 00:10:03,417
That's not good.
216
00:10:10,126 --> 00:10:12,727
Hey, can robots do cocaine?
What?
217
00:10:12,795 --> 00:10:14,995
Nothing, I was just, you know...
218
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:18,149
Can they get cocaine?
219
00:10:21,304 --> 00:10:24,472
Hello, The Girls Aren't
the Girls in the Ad Massage.
220
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:27,320
Oh, yes, the girls are
absolutely the girls
in the ad.
221
00:10:27,344 --> 00:10:29,060
Freeze! Police!
222
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:33,108
What's going on?
You're all under arrest.
223
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:35,834
Arrest? For what?
This place is a brothel.
224
00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:38,302
What does that mean?
Your coworkers are engaged
225
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,538
in the world's
oldest profession.
226
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:42,418
Lead singer of The Pretenders?
227
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,976
No, Peter.
All these women
are prostitutes.
228
00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:47,445
Cuff them, cop with a wife
who's taller than him.
229
00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:49,313
Uh, my name's Gary.
230
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:50,827
I'm sorry, I'm bad with names,
231
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:54,418
but I'm good
at remembering gigantic wives.
232
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,725
So, what was
Brittany Babbit like?
233
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,338
Oh, you know,
at Applebee's,
she's all like,
234
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:04,740
"Hi, may I take your order?"
and at her bedroom window,
235
00:11:04,764 --> 00:11:06,275
she's all like,
"Aah! Get out of here.
236
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:07,610
How'd you find
my apartment?"
237
00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:09,266
Tale of two Brittanys, huh?
238
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,113
Yeah, I mean,
if you don't want me
showing up at your house,
239
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,081
don't put a smiley face
on my receipt.
240
00:11:13,105 --> 00:11:15,272
Uh, Your Honor,
the defense rests.
241
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,708
See, you get it.
242
00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:17,953
Have you read my book yet?
243
00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:19,777
I'm downloading it right now.
244
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:24,982
It's beautiful.
245
00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:28,753
Mm...
Mm...
246
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,555
Yeah, this is...
this is fine.
247
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,857
This isn't...
this isn't weird.
248
00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:36,511
I'm a robot you. Mm.
249
00:11:36,579 --> 00:11:38,057
Post Raisin Bran.
250
00:11:38,081 --> 00:11:40,998
Proud sponsor of whatever
the hell's going on here.
251
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:49,585
Good morning, Brian.
Hey.
252
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:53,444
So, anything unusual
happen with Robot Brian
last night?
253
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:54,790
Anything you'd like to share?
254
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:57,715
N-No.
W-Why-why do you ask?
255
00:11:57,784 --> 00:12:01,097
Well, as it happens,
your robot has
a rear panel sensor.
256
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:04,872
Every time it's triggered,
I get a text,
like a Google Alert.
257
00:12:15,418 --> 00:12:16,784
I... This is ridiculous.
258
00:12:16,853 --> 00:12:18,497
I don't even know
what you're talking about.
259
00:12:18,521 --> 00:12:21,567
Mm-hmm. You know
he backs up his hard drive
every night, right?
260
00:12:21,591 --> 00:12:23,791
Though I guess
you were also backing up
261
00:12:23,860 --> 00:12:25,571
his hard drive last night, eh?
262
00:12:25,595 --> 00:12:27,061
Wiping that history?
263
00:12:27,129 --> 00:12:29,397
Ah, what else?
What other computer terms...
264
00:12:29,466 --> 00:12:31,276
What, the...
Oh, getting some RAM?
265
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,633
A few megabytes?
266
00:12:32,702 --> 00:12:34,347
Logging in and logging out...
267
00:12:34,371 --> 00:12:36,482
Wow, there's a lot
of computer things
that sound dirty.
268
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,706
Okay, I admit it.
I'm not made of stone.
269
00:12:38,775 --> 00:12:40,408
I fell for me.
270
00:12:40,477 --> 00:12:43,544
I know it seems strange,
but I'm gonna give it
a chance.
271
00:12:43,613 --> 00:12:46,113
And don't worry,
we're not gonna be
one of those cutesy couples.
272
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,160
Morning, RB.
RB?
273
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:49,817
Yeah, it stands for
"Real Brian."
274
00:12:49,886 --> 00:12:52,453
Morning, RB.
"Robot Brian."
275
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,722
Well, much like
every other "RBs,"
276
00:12:54,791 --> 00:12:57,291
you are making me sick.
277
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,538
Hey, did you get
the license plate
of that handsome guy
278
00:12:59,562 --> 00:13:01,106
who ran me over last night?
279
00:13:01,130 --> 00:13:02,513
Ha, ha, clever.
280
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:04,849
So is there anything
we need to talk about?
281
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:07,663
I don't know.
Is there anything
we need to talk about?
282
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,621
I guess not.
Well, I guess not, too.
283
00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:11,889
Thanks, RB.
Back at you, RB.
284
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,524
We just click together.
285
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:16,710
Like all the pieces
in Chris's first model set.
286
00:13:16,779 --> 00:13:20,664
Okay, lay out the pieces,
find the cockpit,
287
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,267
open the glue, take a sniff...
288
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:29,440
and this will be my life now.
289
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:35,677
Joe, you got to help me.
290
00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:37,891
My picture's in the paper
and everything.
291
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,769
Well, everybody knew
that Bob Iger thing,
292
00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,170
but you got to help me, Joe.
293
00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:51,062
No way.
You should've thought
of that before you committed
294
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,131
a victimless crime
between consenting adults
295
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:55,566
in a commercial arrangement
which also created jobs
296
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,769
and contributed tax dollars
to the community.
297
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,203
Now if you'll excuse me,
298
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:03,942
I'm gonna go watch
Bob Iger drain threes
at the local gym.
299
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,978
We've got to think
of something to make Joe
drop the charges.
300
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,891
I don't know,
he seemed pretty insistent.
301
00:14:08,915 --> 00:14:11,749
Trust me, Joe can be
pretty easily influenced.
302
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,529
♪ I get knocked down... ♪Oh, no!
303
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,031
♪ But I get up again ♪Yeah!
304
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,665
♪ You're never gonnakeep me down ♪Good!
305
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,067
♪ I get knocked down ♪Oh, no!
306
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,668
♪ But I get up again ♪Yeah!
307
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,932
♪ You're never gonnakeep me... ♪
308
00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:26,478
Ah...
309
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,067
Ah...
310
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,248
Sounds like that water's
pretty refreshing, huh?
311
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,683
Excuse me?
No, nothing,
312
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,784
you just made
a weird noise after you took
that sip of water.
313
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:38,843
RB, that's the sound you make
when you take a sip of water.
314
00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:40,756
What? No way,
that's so annoying.
315
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,725
I'd-I'd kill myself
if I sounded like that.
316
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:44,782
Brian, don't forget, I'm you.
317
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:47,084
Everything I do,
I literally got from you.
318
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:48,620
Well, not that.
319
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,099
I think I know
how to take a sip of water
320
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:52,724
without sounding like
a rock concert drum solo.
321
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:54,359
Go ahead. Show me.
322
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:58,563
Hmm? Mm-mm.
323
00:14:58,632 --> 00:15:00,030
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
324
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,736
Ah...
325
00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:10,074
Joe's police rounds
bring him down this street.
326
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,143
So the plan is we trick him
into coming in
327
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:13,878
and getting an erotic massage.
328
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,347
Then we blackmail him
into dropping Peter's charges.
329
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,950
Right. And if someone makes
a joke about my weight,
330
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:21,998
I laugh good-naturedly
and then go home
and eat my feelings.
331
00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:25,390
O... Okay. That-that's
part of the plan
you keep on the inside.
332
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:28,592
Yeah. Next to the pizza
you had for breakfast.
333
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:34,415
Here comes Joe.
Places.
334
00:15:34,483 --> 00:15:38,052
♪ La, la, la, la,unsuspecting song... ♪
335
00:15:38,121 --> 00:15:42,223
Huh. "Miracle Leg Massage.
Walk Again, Joe."
336
00:15:42,291 --> 00:15:45,851
I don't know.
What's the name of
this place, anyway?
337
00:15:45,895 --> 00:15:47,728
"Flip Joke Massage Parlor."
338
00:15:47,796 --> 00:15:49,263
Well, tempted as I may be,
339
00:15:49,332 --> 00:15:52,844
there is no way
I'm going in there
for a massage.
340
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,747
Ma'am, I assume
you're giving me
a great message,
341
00:15:55,771 --> 00:15:57,471
but that's where it stops.
342
00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:01,142
I'll be a monkey's uncle
before I accept
a sexual favor.
343
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:04,490
And that's the story
of how your mother...
my sister...
344
00:16:04,514 --> 00:16:05,946
Got into college.
345
00:16:06,015 --> 00:16:09,283
Oh, Barnaby Bananas.
346
00:16:09,352 --> 00:16:11,818
You're certainly
my smartest nephew,
347
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:13,565
but Harvard is only for humans.
348
00:16:13,589 --> 00:16:16,290
No monkey will
ever graduate from there.
349
00:16:16,359 --> 00:16:18,576
♪ ♪
350
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,512
Barnaby Bananas.
351
00:16:23,632 --> 00:16:26,945
I tell you, Janine,
I sure feel dumb
for what I said earlier.
352
00:16:26,969 --> 00:16:29,286
Congratulations, Janine.
Also, Joe,
353
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:31,800
we got pictures of you
getting a sexual favor
a while back,
354
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,435
so now you got to
drop the charges.
355
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:34,625
This'll never stick, Peter.
356
00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:37,428
I know a top-notch
Harvard-trained lawyer.
357
00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,664
An M.A. in urban planning?
358
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,000
That's no help.
All right, Peter, you win.
359
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:45,669
Really?
Yup, I'm gonna
drop all the charges.
360
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:49,006
And now maybe
you could drop
a few LBs, huh?
361
00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:04,583
What?!
What?
362
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,207
I do not laugh like that.
363
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,008
Again, Brian, I'm you.
364
00:17:08,077 --> 00:17:09,977
I can't do it unless
you've already done it.
365
00:17:10,045 --> 00:17:11,890
You can't do it unless
I've already done it?
366
00:17:11,914 --> 00:17:13,459
What is this,
Bark to the Future?
367
00:17:15,251 --> 00:17:17,884
Oh, my God, I do do that.
368
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:20,121
Hey, Brian,
I think I put in
a good day of writing.
369
00:17:20,189 --> 00:17:21,555
Check out what I did.
370
00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,991
This is a blank screen.
Exactly.
371
00:17:24,059 --> 00:17:26,638
I spent all day
working on the margins.
The margins?
372
00:17:26,662 --> 00:17:28,395
Oh, yeah, you got
to get the margins right.
373
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,997
They frame the page.
374
00:17:30,065 --> 00:17:33,300
They're like the corral,
and the words
are my wild horses.
375
00:17:33,369 --> 00:17:36,003
It's my job to break
those word horses
376
00:17:36,071 --> 00:17:39,406
and ride them off
into the green pastures
of prose and poetry.
377
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,220
Stop!
It's just so pretentious.
378
00:17:41,244 --> 00:17:42,276
Well, they're your words.
379
00:17:42,345 --> 00:17:44,678
No way.
I would never say that.
380
00:17:44,747 --> 00:17:46,813
Words are my wild horses.
381
00:17:46,882 --> 00:17:49,450
It's my job to break
those word horses
382
00:17:49,519 --> 00:17:52,953
and ride them off
into the green pastures
of prose and poetry.
383
00:17:53,022 --> 00:17:56,624
Sir, all I said was
your Discover card
was declined.
384
00:17:56,692 --> 00:17:57,972
Turn it off, turn it off!
385
00:17:58,027 --> 00:17:59,593
God, I'm such a jerk.
386
00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:00,795
I hate you!
387
00:18:01,931 --> 00:18:04,365
Which means...
I hate me.
388
00:18:04,433 --> 00:18:05,616
What did you just say?
389
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,368
I said I hate me.
I hate myself.
390
00:18:08,437 --> 00:18:10,437
You've made me realize...
391
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,156
I hate myself.
392
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,057
What the...
393
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,381
Well done, Brian, well done.
394
00:18:20,450 --> 00:18:23,517
Stewie? What are you doing?
What the hell happened to RB?
395
00:18:23,586 --> 00:18:26,604
RB served his purpose.
Which was what?
396
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:29,690
To show you
that the last thing you need
is a detailed account
397
00:18:29,758 --> 00:18:32,521
of who you are
and what you do.
Excuse me?
398
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:35,162
Brian, you wanted
to write your autobiography.
399
00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:37,342
And I needed
to show you that no one
400
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:40,384
wants to read your
autobiography, not even you.
401
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,487
Because...
Because your best is middling,
402
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,633
your worst is intolerable,
and when you die,
403
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,101
the most you'll want
written about you
404
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,893
is "He Was a Good Boy"
on your tombstone.
405
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:51,122
And even that
will be a complete lie.
406
00:18:53,316 --> 00:18:55,899
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't lie.
407
00:18:59,488 --> 00:19:02,123
We now return
to The Talking Talking Dead,
408
00:19:02,191 --> 00:19:03,590
the show that talks
about the show
409
00:19:03,659 --> 00:19:05,476
that talks about
The Walking Dead.
410
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,574
Okay, so what do we think
about what they thought
about stuff?
411
00:19:08,598 --> 00:19:11,081
It was awesome.
Oh, my God,
it was so great
412
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:13,596
how they thought
that other show
was so great.
413
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,531
Yeah, totally.
And that one
part of the show
414
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,500
where the guy
was talking about that
one part of the other show
415
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:18,800
and how he didn't
see that coming?
416
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,991
I did not see that coming.
417
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:23,088
This is just
too much to process.
418
00:19:23,112 --> 00:19:25,323
I need an aftershow
after this aftershow,
419
00:19:25,347 --> 00:19:26,792
just to know
what I just saw about
420
00:19:26,816 --> 00:19:29,094
what I just saw
about what I just saw.
421
00:19:29,118 --> 00:19:31,302
Well done, Chris.
Thank you.
422
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:34,038
And Brian, you certainly
had yourself an adventure.
423
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:35,139
I sure did.
424
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,341
Hey, whatever happened
to Robot Brian anyway?
425
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,890
He moved down to the marina.
I hear he's doing pretty well.
426
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,892
It's been like this all morning.
427
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,328
I'm actually starting to get
a little worried, you know?
428
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,919
It's not a bionic robot.
It can break.
429
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,533
What's that swoosh?
430
00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:52,168
He's got a mouth sensor, too.
431
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:55,304
And remember, Brian,
he wouldn't do anything
you wouldn't do.
432
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:56,872
He's you.
433
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,507
It's rather musical, isn't it?
434
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,108
Sounds like
the "Carol of the Bells."
435
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:08,617
Uhp, I'm getting a call.
436
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:11,324
Oh, no, it's Allison Janney.
Decline, decline!
437
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,695
I tell you, Lois,
being a masseuse
is a tough job.
438
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,630
But it all just
goes to show that basically
439
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:25,122
every licensed massage
therapist in this country
is a prostitute.
440
00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:27,102
Oh, yeah.
You can pretty much
do whatever you want
441
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:29,860
with any masseuse ever,
because they're
all prostitutes.
442
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,562
And it's not just the masseuses.
443
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,408
If you're ever seeing,
like, a physical therapist,
444
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:36,767
or doing yoga
with a private instructor?
Just go for it.
445
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,169
There's, like, an 80% chance
you'll get there.
446
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,639
But Peter,
there's-there's one thing
I still don't get.
447
00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:44,541
Why did you
take the massage job
in the first place?
448
00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:47,110
For you, Lois. I did it
to earn enough money
449
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:49,299
to buy a comb
for your beautiful hair.
450
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:51,582
Oh, Peter, didn't you know?
451
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:55,419
I sold my beautiful hair
to buy you a bottle
of massage oil.
452
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:59,856
Great. So now
I'm an unemployed masseuse
with a bald wife.
453
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,542
Merry fucking Christmas.
35323
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