All language subtitles for Family Guy - S17E12 - Bri, Robot (Uncensored)

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:04,703 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:08,140 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,810 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,646 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:18,217 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,503 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:23,132 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,656 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:30,062 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:35,912 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. 11 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,616 Coming up, we interview a man 12 00:00:37,654 --> 00:00:39,488 who went a whole Hawaiian vacation 13 00:00:39,556 --> 00:00:41,868 without giving a "hang loose" sign in a picture, 14 00:00:41,892 --> 00:00:44,325 and also didn't do the "lei" joke. 15 00:00:44,394 --> 00:00:47,195 You won't believe this incredible story. 16 00:00:47,263 --> 00:00:49,998 Oh, wait, he's a Japanese man? 17 00:00:50,066 --> 00:00:51,500 Doesn't speak English. 18 00:00:51,568 --> 00:00:54,286 So... so he just didn't know. 19 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:56,054 Happy birthday, Brian. 20 00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:57,850 We bought you a cake with the groceries, 21 00:00:57,874 --> 00:01:01,071 so it got smashed by a jug of Tide in the car. 22 00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:02,627 Open your presents. Yeah. 23 00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,463 You got one from Rami Malek, 24 00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:07,015 star of Mr. Robot. 25 00:01:07,084 --> 00:01:10,953 Wow, he gave me the dark circles around his eyes. 26 00:01:11,021 --> 00:01:12,587 Aw, cool. 27 00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:15,223 Did he also include his dead-soul monotone? 28 00:01:15,291 --> 00:01:17,959 No, I don't... Oh, oh, wait, hang on. 29 00:01:18,028 --> 00:01:19,271 I didn't see it at first 30 00:01:19,295 --> 00:01:21,696 because it was under some tissue paper. 31 00:01:21,765 --> 00:01:25,400 Now open mine. Minions 3? 32 00:01:25,468 --> 00:01:29,687 Yeah. In this one, Gru has been replaced by Harvey Weinstein. 33 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,590 Oh, you like working for bad guys? 34 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:34,259 I'll show you a bad guy. Now you touch it. 35 00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:35,894 You know what to touch. 36 00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:38,696 B-Banana. 37 00:01:41,485 --> 00:01:43,919 Well, thanks, everyone. 38 00:01:43,988 --> 00:01:46,137 What's wrong? You seem a little down. 39 00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:47,856 Nothing, it's just that... 40 00:01:47,925 --> 00:01:49,858 I don't know, my-my birthday is just... 41 00:01:49,927 --> 00:01:53,261 it's kind of a reminder that I'm now one year closer to death, 42 00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:55,497 with nothing to show for my time here. 43 00:01:55,566 --> 00:01:57,682 Can I get a Minion cake for my next birthday? 44 00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,729 We'll see, Peter. Like, a real one. 45 00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,469 Like-like, not you makin' it. 46 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:05,106 Someday I'll be gone, and it'll be like I was never here at all. 47 00:02:05,175 --> 00:02:07,609 Aw, he is depressed. 48 00:02:07,678 --> 00:02:08,821 Sad little guy. 49 00:02:08,845 --> 00:02:11,846 Let's not project people emotions onto animals. 50 00:02:11,915 --> 00:02:14,782 I just want my story to live on, even after I'm gone. 51 00:02:14,851 --> 00:02:17,380 You know, I always did want to write my autobiography. 52 00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,332 Yeah, it's hard to work when you get distracted 53 00:02:19,356 --> 00:02:21,401 whenever someone says, "What's that?" What's what?! 54 00:02:21,425 --> 00:02:24,037 You know what? Maybe I can lend you a hand, Brian. 55 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,738 I'll help you write your biography. 56 00:02:25,762 --> 00:02:27,595 Really? You-you'd do that? 57 00:02:27,664 --> 00:02:31,384 Yes. After all, I helped Cleveland with his wardrobe. 58 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:33,597 Hey, Cleveland, you know I love you, 59 00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,565 but those jeans... They ain't for you. 60 00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:38,357 I knew it. I think I just needed to hear it. 61 00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:40,091 Thank you, Peter's baby. 62 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,595 Uh-uh. Copy that. 63 00:02:47,551 --> 00:02:49,851 We now return to Allison Janney 64 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,320 in Hello, Sexy. 65 00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,829 ♪ ♪ 66 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,664 And, uh, to your left, 67 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,544 you'll see a joke about Allison Janney 68 00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:22,901 being very, very tall. 69 00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:24,703 Uh, she has an Oscar, 70 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:26,892 and we have a great deal of respect for her. 71 00:03:28,926 --> 00:03:30,403 You know, I had a terrific... Uhp. 72 00:03:30,427 --> 00:03:32,360 No, sorry. You go. Okay. 73 00:03:32,428 --> 00:03:35,129 I found a lump on my scrotum this morning. 74 00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:38,217 You done? Yeah? 75 00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:40,785 I had a terrific sandwich, uh, yesterday. 76 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,021 Boy, they are doing a lot with mayo these days. 77 00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,706 I have no doctor. 78 00:03:49,946 --> 00:03:52,714 You know that UPS lady with the super-bruised legs? 79 00:03:52,783 --> 00:03:53,960 Well, one time... 80 00:03:55,285 --> 00:03:57,786 What... Uh, what-what's going on? 81 00:03:57,854 --> 00:04:00,588 Quagmire, are you okay? 82 00:04:01,958 --> 00:04:02,998 Where's he going? 83 00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,421 Looks like Quagmire... I think he... 84 00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:07,862 Boy, you and me today, huh? 85 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,452 He's, like, hypnotized. Do we wake him? 86 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,137 That could be perilous. 87 00:04:24,948 --> 00:04:27,260 I was happy to see that new massage parlor. 88 00:04:27,284 --> 00:04:29,450 But deep down, I was disappointed that 89 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,197 we took a shot at Allison Janney, 90 00:04:31,221 --> 00:04:33,221 just because she can dunk a basketball. 91 00:04:33,256 --> 00:04:34,823 I mean, she has an Oscar, 92 00:04:34,892 --> 00:04:37,726 and we have a great deal of respect for her. 93 00:04:41,681 --> 00:04:44,349 All right, Brian, time to get to work on your biography. 94 00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:45,984 Now, let's start with an interview. 95 00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:47,652 Who would you say is your hero? 96 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,799 Well, I guess maybe Martin Luther King. 97 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,057 Okay, maybe someone you see every day. 98 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,525 Uh, well, I guess Peter is... 99 00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:56,034 No, no, no. Li-Like somebody younger. 100 00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:57,376 Li-Like younger than you, even. 101 00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:58,741 Like that-like that kind of hero. 102 00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:00,276 Well, I guess Meg and Chris. 103 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,700 Let's take Meg and Chris as a given. 104 00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:03,401 Anyone else you maybe look up to? 105 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:06,037 I guess Lois... We did say younger, did we not? 106 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:09,207 Well, uh, I guess that leaves... you. 107 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:12,643 Oh, boy, embarrassing. That backfired, didn't it? 108 00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:14,545 So, I should put me, then? 109 00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,214 Yes, fine. 110 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:19,550 Now, another important part of any book: the dedication. 111 00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:22,153 It's not uncommon for an author to dedicate his book 112 00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,956 to his hero, who you have listed as... 113 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,458 Oh, no, this is... 114 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,076 Oh, this is embarrassing. 115 00:05:31,014 --> 00:05:33,134 We already did this. I got some free time. 116 00:05:44,394 --> 00:05:46,728 Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. It's about time. 117 00:05:46,797 --> 00:05:48,173 Thanks to you, we got leapfrogged 118 00:05:48,197 --> 00:05:49,563 by Seamus' foursome. 119 00:05:51,868 --> 00:05:53,567 Ha. Golf club hands. 120 00:05:53,636 --> 00:05:55,469 Hey, could one of you spot me the greens fees? 121 00:05:55,538 --> 00:05:57,638 I blew all my money at the massage parlor. 122 00:05:57,707 --> 00:05:59,886 Sheesh, you're sure spending a lot of money at that place. 123 00:05:59,910 --> 00:06:01,353 How much you pay one of them masseuses? 124 00:06:01,377 --> 00:06:02,794 Eh, 200 bucks. 125 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,775 200 bucks? That's what I paid for Reading Railroad. 126 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:08,233 What kinda medical benefits do those masseuses get? 127 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,384 I think they see the Chinese vet down the street. 128 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:12,431 Well, that's all the information I need 129 00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,466 to make a binding vocational choice. 130 00:06:14,490 --> 00:06:17,670 Guys, I'm gonna become a professional massage therapist. 131 00:06:17,694 --> 00:06:19,360 What? Are you serious, Peter? 132 00:06:19,429 --> 00:06:21,996 You bet. I could always use some extra cash. 133 00:06:22,065 --> 00:06:24,143 Plus, I've handled bigger challenges before. 134 00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:26,162 You know, I was once in the Blue Man Group. 135 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,169 Peter, what's wrong with your paint? 136 00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:36,211 Remember when I asked for a five-minute break? 137 00:06:40,083 --> 00:06:42,450 Hey, Stewie, which title do you like for the biography, 138 00:06:42,519 --> 00:06:45,787 Barking Up the Right Tree... You catch that? 139 00:06:45,855 --> 00:06:49,641 Or Are You There, Dog? It's Me, Brian. 140 00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:51,421 Oh, about that... I was meaning to tell you, 141 00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:52,894 your biography is finished. 142 00:06:52,962 --> 00:06:55,329 Already? Wow. Print me up a copy. 143 00:06:55,398 --> 00:06:57,782 Done, Brian. Look behind you. 144 00:07:01,204 --> 00:07:03,455 Whoa, ass ahoy. 145 00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,684 Classic. Stewie, this isn't a book. 146 00:07:05,708 --> 00:07:08,410 Brian, it's 2019. We're living in a post-book, 147 00:07:08,478 --> 00:07:10,478 Post Raisin Bran society. 148 00:07:10,547 --> 00:07:11,979 So enjoy your new robot, 149 00:07:12,049 --> 00:07:14,226 and enjoy a bowl of Post Raisin Bran. 150 00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:17,818 Post Raisin Bran: like Kellogg's, but worse. 151 00:07:17,887 --> 00:07:19,637 Stewie, what about my biography? 152 00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:22,824 This robot is a living record of you and your history. 153 00:07:22,892 --> 00:07:24,959 It knows you and your mannerisms, 154 00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,188 and it will exist long after you're gone. 155 00:07:27,230 --> 00:07:29,648 Brian, in every sense of the term, 156 00:07:29,716 --> 00:07:32,250 Robot Brian is your biography. 157 00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,486 This is how you'll be remembered, forever. 158 00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:36,254 Whoa, ass ahoy. 159 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,622 He says that a lot. 160 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,702 He's also got an interchangeable memory bank, 161 00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:42,827 an expandable encyclopedia database, and, as a bonus, 162 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,073 the new U2 album. 163 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,742 Oh. I don't want the new U2 album. 164 00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,382 You don't get a choice. 165 00:07:53,290 --> 00:07:55,823 So this is a robot version of me? 166 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,193 Not just a robot version, Brian. It's like another you, 167 00:07:59,262 --> 00:08:02,141 uploaded with your genetic code, your cognitive patterns, 168 00:08:02,165 --> 00:08:03,742 and your entire life story. 169 00:08:03,766 --> 00:08:06,100 "Oh, no, Stewie's time machine broke, 170 00:08:06,169 --> 00:08:08,702 and now we are stuck in the history past." 171 00:08:08,771 --> 00:08:10,516 Well, that is one of my catchphrases. 172 00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:12,352 I don't talk that robotically, though. 173 00:08:12,376 --> 00:08:14,187 That'll go away. He will evolve 174 00:08:14,211 --> 00:08:15,938 as he gathers more and more data. 175 00:08:15,962 --> 00:08:18,697 "Fire hydrants, images." "Fire hydrants, news." 176 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,415 "Fire hydrants, near me." 177 00:08:20,484 --> 00:08:22,712 Now what's he doing? Oh, he's also been uploaded 178 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,480 with your Internet search history. 179 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:28,305 "Yahoo Answers: Is Anton Yelchin's jeep for sale?" 180 00:08:28,374 --> 00:08:30,708 Ooh, shame on you, Brian. 181 00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:32,309 It's legitimate memorabilia! 182 00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:34,178 "Applebee's, Brittany, Quahog." 183 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,347 "Brittany Applebee's waitress, blonde." 184 00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,716 "Quahog, Applebee's, Brittany, who is." 185 00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:41,318 "Blonde waitress, Brittany, Quahog, Applebee's." 186 00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:42,854 "Brittany Babbit, home address." 187 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,606 Oh, good, you found it. 188 00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:50,678 Peter? What are you doing here? 189 00:08:50,746 --> 00:08:51,791 I work here now. 190 00:08:51,815 --> 00:08:53,815 You what? Why would they hire you? 191 00:08:53,884 --> 00:08:56,484 I don't know that they did. Nobody ever picks me, though. 192 00:08:56,552 --> 00:08:59,165 Just Bruce. And his towel keeps falling off, 193 00:08:59,189 --> 00:09:00,688 and he keeps saying, "Oops." 194 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:03,202 I don't know, the towels here are very fally-offy. 195 00:09:03,226 --> 00:09:04,926 Damn it. Goodbye, Peter. 196 00:09:04,995 --> 00:09:06,372 Wh-Where you goin'? Home. 197 00:09:06,396 --> 00:09:09,797 I can't come here anymore, you've made it weird. 198 00:09:09,866 --> 00:09:12,628 You have one that looks like snowboarder Chloe Kim? 199 00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:16,212 She turned 18, so I can say that out loud now. 200 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,942 Robot Brian, it's so great that you're here. 201 00:09:22,012 --> 00:09:24,478 I need a partner for a project I've been working on. 202 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,867 But, sir, Dogbook was our idea. 203 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,902 It was stolen by Bark Zuckerbark. 204 00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:32,270 And who are you again? 205 00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:36,224 We're the Barklevoss twins. And... scene. 206 00:09:36,293 --> 00:09:37,569 So, what do you think? 207 00:09:37,593 --> 00:09:39,894 I think it's great. I have no notes. 208 00:09:39,963 --> 00:09:42,108 It's called The Barkial Network. 209 00:09:42,132 --> 00:09:44,866 How come you didn't call it Barkbook? 210 00:09:44,935 --> 00:09:48,352 I thought you said you didn't have any notes. 211 00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,742 I got you dropped from jury duty. 212 00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,355 Oh, great. What line did you use? 213 00:09:56,379 --> 00:09:58,479 "I have read about this exact case..." 214 00:09:58,548 --> 00:10:02,050 That's good. "on hotsy-totsy Nazi dot com." 215 00:10:02,118 --> 00:10:03,417 That's not good. 216 00:10:10,126 --> 00:10:12,727 Hey, can robots do cocaine? What? 217 00:10:12,795 --> 00:10:14,995 Nothing, I was just, you know... 218 00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:18,149 Can they get cocaine? 219 00:10:21,304 --> 00:10:24,472 Hello, The Girls Aren't the Girls in the Ad Massage. 220 00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:27,320 Oh, yes, the girls are absolutely the girls in the ad. 221 00:10:27,344 --> 00:10:29,060 Freeze! Police! 222 00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:33,108 What's going on? You're all under arrest. 223 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:35,834 Arrest? For what? This place is a brothel. 224 00:10:35,902 --> 00:10:38,302 What does that mean? Your coworkers are engaged 225 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,538 in the world's oldest profession. 226 00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:42,418 Lead singer of The Pretenders? 227 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,976 No, Peter. All these women are prostitutes. 228 00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:47,445 Cuff them, cop with a wife who's taller than him. 229 00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:49,313 Uh, my name's Gary. 230 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:50,827 I'm sorry, I'm bad with names, 231 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:54,418 but I'm good at remembering gigantic wives. 232 00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,725 So, what was Brittany Babbit like? 233 00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,338 Oh, you know, at Applebee's, she's all like, 234 00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:04,740 "Hi, may I take your order?" and at her bedroom window, 235 00:11:04,764 --> 00:11:06,275 she's all like, "Aah! Get out of here. 236 00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:07,610 How'd you find my apartment?" 237 00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:09,266 Tale of two Brittanys, huh? 238 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,113 Yeah, I mean, if you don't want me showing up at your house, 239 00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:13,081 don't put a smiley face on my receipt. 240 00:11:13,105 --> 00:11:15,272 Uh, Your Honor, the defense rests. 241 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,708 See, you get it. 242 00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:17,953 Have you read my book yet? 243 00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:19,777 I'm downloading it right now. 244 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:24,982 It's beautiful. 245 00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:28,753 Mm... Mm... 246 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,555 Yeah, this is... this is fine. 247 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,857 This isn't... this isn't weird. 248 00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:36,511 I'm a robot you. Mm. 249 00:11:36,579 --> 00:11:38,057 Post Raisin Bran. 250 00:11:38,081 --> 00:11:40,998 Proud sponsor of whatever the hell's going on here. 251 00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:49,585 Good morning, Brian. Hey. 252 00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:53,444 So, anything unusual happen with Robot Brian last night? 253 00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:54,790 Anything you'd like to share? 254 00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:57,715 N-No. W-Why-why do you ask? 255 00:11:57,784 --> 00:12:01,097 Well, as it happens, your robot has a rear panel sensor. 256 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:04,872 Every time it's triggered, I get a text, like a Google Alert. 257 00:12:15,418 --> 00:12:16,784 I... This is ridiculous. 258 00:12:16,853 --> 00:12:18,497 I don't even know what you're talking about. 259 00:12:18,521 --> 00:12:21,567 Mm-hmm. You know he backs up his hard drive every night, right? 260 00:12:21,591 --> 00:12:23,791 Though I guess you were also backing up 261 00:12:23,860 --> 00:12:25,571 his hard drive last night, eh? 262 00:12:25,595 --> 00:12:27,061 Wiping that history? 263 00:12:27,129 --> 00:12:29,397 Ah, what else? What other computer terms... 264 00:12:29,466 --> 00:12:31,276 What, the... Oh, getting some RAM? 265 00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,633 A few megabytes? 266 00:12:32,702 --> 00:12:34,347 Logging in and logging out... 267 00:12:34,371 --> 00:12:36,482 Wow, there's a lot of computer things that sound dirty. 268 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,706 Okay, I admit it. I'm not made of stone. 269 00:12:38,775 --> 00:12:40,408 I fell for me. 270 00:12:40,477 --> 00:12:43,544 I know it seems strange, but I'm gonna give it a chance. 271 00:12:43,613 --> 00:12:46,113 And don't worry, we're not gonna be one of those cutesy couples. 272 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,160 Morning, RB. RB? 273 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:49,817 Yeah, it stands for "Real Brian." 274 00:12:49,886 --> 00:12:52,453 Morning, RB. "Robot Brian." 275 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,722 Well, much like every other "RBs," 276 00:12:54,791 --> 00:12:57,291 you are making me sick. 277 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,538 Hey, did you get the license plate of that handsome guy 278 00:12:59,562 --> 00:13:01,106 who ran me over last night? 279 00:13:01,130 --> 00:13:02,513 Ha, ha, clever. 280 00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:04,849 So is there anything we need to talk about? 281 00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:07,663 I don't know. Is there anything we need to talk about? 282 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,621 I guess not. Well, I guess not, too. 283 00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:11,889 Thanks, RB. Back at you, RB. 284 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,524 We just click together. 285 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:16,710 Like all the pieces in Chris's first model set. 286 00:13:16,779 --> 00:13:20,664 Okay, lay out the pieces, find the cockpit, 287 00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,267 open the glue, take a sniff... 288 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:29,440 and this will be my life now. 289 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:35,677 Joe, you got to help me. 290 00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:37,891 My picture's in the paper and everything. 291 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:46,769 Well, everybody knew that Bob Iger thing, 292 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,170 but you got to help me, Joe. 293 00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:51,062 No way. You should've thought of that before you committed 294 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,131 a victimless crime between consenting adults 295 00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:55,566 in a commercial arrangement which also created jobs 296 00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,769 and contributed tax dollars to the community. 297 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,203 Now if you'll excuse me, 298 00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:03,942 I'm gonna go watch Bob Iger drain threes at the local gym. 299 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,978 We've got to think of something to make Joe drop the charges. 300 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,891 I don't know, he seemed pretty insistent. 301 00:14:08,915 --> 00:14:11,749 Trust me, Joe can be pretty easily influenced. 302 00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,529 ♪ I get knocked down... ♪ Oh, no! 303 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,031 ♪ But I get up again ♪ Yeah! 304 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,665 ♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪ Good! 305 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,067 ♪ I get knocked down ♪ Oh, no! 306 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,668 ♪ But I get up again ♪ Yeah! 307 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,932 ♪ You're never gonna keep me... ♪ 308 00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:26,478 Ah... 309 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,067 Ah... 310 00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,248 Sounds like that water's pretty refreshing, huh? 311 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,683 Excuse me? No, nothing, 312 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,784 you just made a weird noise after you took that sip of water. 313 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:38,843 RB, that's the sound you make when you take a sip of water. 314 00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:40,756 What? No way, that's so annoying. 315 00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,725 I'd-I'd kill myself if I sounded like that. 316 00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:44,782 Brian, don't forget, I'm you. 317 00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:47,084 Everything I do, I literally got from you. 318 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:48,620 Well, not that. 319 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,099 I think I know how to take a sip of water 320 00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:52,724 without sounding like a rock concert drum solo. 321 00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:54,359 Go ahead. Show me. 322 00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:58,563 Hmm? Mm-mm. 323 00:14:58,632 --> 00:15:00,030 Mm-mm-mm-mm. 324 00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,736 Ah... 325 00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:10,074 Joe's police rounds bring him down this street. 326 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,143 So the plan is we trick him into coming in 327 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:13,878 and getting an erotic massage. 328 00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,347 Then we blackmail him into dropping Peter's charges. 329 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,950 Right. And if someone makes a joke about my weight, 330 00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:21,998 I laugh good-naturedly and then go home and eat my feelings. 331 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:25,390 O... Okay. That-that's part of the plan you keep on the inside. 332 00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:28,592 Yeah. Next to the pizza you had for breakfast. 333 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:34,415 Here comes Joe. Places. 334 00:15:34,483 --> 00:15:38,052 ♪ La, la, la, la, unsuspecting song... ♪ 335 00:15:38,121 --> 00:15:42,223 Huh. "Miracle Leg Massage. Walk Again, Joe." 336 00:15:42,291 --> 00:15:45,851 I don't know. What's the name of this place, anyway? 337 00:15:45,895 --> 00:15:47,728 "Flip Joke Massage Parlor." 338 00:15:47,796 --> 00:15:49,263 Well, tempted as I may be, 339 00:15:49,332 --> 00:15:52,844 there is no way I'm going in there for a massage. 340 00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,747 Ma'am, I assume you're giving me a great message, 341 00:15:55,771 --> 00:15:57,471 but that's where it stops. 342 00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:01,142 I'll be a monkey's uncle before I accept a sexual favor. 343 00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:04,490 And that's the story of how your mother... my sister... 344 00:16:04,514 --> 00:16:05,946 Got into college. 345 00:16:06,015 --> 00:16:09,283 Oh, Barnaby Bananas. 346 00:16:09,352 --> 00:16:11,818 You're certainly my smartest nephew, 347 00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:13,565 but Harvard is only for humans. 348 00:16:13,589 --> 00:16:16,290 No monkey will ever graduate from there. 349 00:16:16,359 --> 00:16:18,576 ♪ ♪ 350 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,512 Barnaby Bananas. 351 00:16:23,632 --> 00:16:26,945 I tell you, Janine, I sure feel dumb for what I said earlier. 352 00:16:26,969 --> 00:16:29,286 Congratulations, Janine. Also, Joe, 353 00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:31,800 we got pictures of you getting a sexual favor a while back, 354 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,435 so now you got to drop the charges. 355 00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:34,625 This'll never stick, Peter. 356 00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:37,428 I know a top-notch Harvard-trained lawyer. 357 00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,664 An M.A. in urban planning? 358 00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,000 That's no help. All right, Peter, you win. 359 00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:45,669 Really? Yup, I'm gonna drop all the charges. 360 00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:49,006 And now maybe you could drop a few LBs, huh? 361 00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:04,583 What?! What? 362 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,207 I do not laugh like that. 363 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,008 Again, Brian, I'm you. 364 00:17:08,077 --> 00:17:09,977 I can't do it unless you've already done it. 365 00:17:10,045 --> 00:17:11,890 You can't do it unless I've already done it? 366 00:17:11,914 --> 00:17:13,459 What is this, Bark to the Future? 367 00:17:15,251 --> 00:17:17,884 Oh, my God, I do do that. 368 00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:20,121 Hey, Brian, I think I put in a good day of writing. 369 00:17:20,189 --> 00:17:21,555 Check out what I did. 370 00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,991 This is a blank screen. Exactly. 371 00:17:24,059 --> 00:17:26,638 I spent all day working on the margins. The margins? 372 00:17:26,662 --> 00:17:28,395 Oh, yeah, you got to get the margins right. 373 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,997 They frame the page. 374 00:17:30,065 --> 00:17:33,300 They're like the corral, and the words are my wild horses. 375 00:17:33,369 --> 00:17:36,003 It's my job to break those word horses 376 00:17:36,071 --> 00:17:39,406 and ride them off into the green pastures of prose and poetry. 377 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,220 Stop! It's just so pretentious. 378 00:17:41,244 --> 00:17:42,276 Well, they're your words. 379 00:17:42,345 --> 00:17:44,678 No way. I would never say that. 380 00:17:44,747 --> 00:17:46,813 Words are my wild horses. 381 00:17:46,882 --> 00:17:49,450 It's my job to break those word horses 382 00:17:49,519 --> 00:17:52,953 and ride them off into the green pastures of prose and poetry. 383 00:17:53,022 --> 00:17:56,624 Sir, all I said was your Discover card was declined. 384 00:17:56,692 --> 00:17:57,972 Turn it off, turn it off! 385 00:17:58,027 --> 00:17:59,593 God, I'm such a jerk. 386 00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:00,795 I hate you! 387 00:18:01,931 --> 00:18:04,365 Which means... I hate me. 388 00:18:04,433 --> 00:18:05,616 What did you just say? 389 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,368 I said I hate me. I hate myself. 390 00:18:08,437 --> 00:18:10,437 You've made me realize... 391 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,156 I hate myself. 392 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,057 What the... 393 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,381 Well done, Brian, well done. 394 00:18:20,450 --> 00:18:23,517 Stewie? What are you doing? What the hell happened to RB? 395 00:18:23,586 --> 00:18:26,604 RB served his purpose. Which was what? 396 00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:29,690 To show you that the last thing you need is a detailed account 397 00:18:29,758 --> 00:18:32,521 of who you are and what you do. Excuse me? 398 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:35,162 Brian, you wanted to write your autobiography. 399 00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:37,342 And I needed to show you that no one 400 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:40,384 wants to read your autobiography, not even you. 401 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,487 Because... Because your best is middling, 402 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,633 your worst is intolerable, and when you die, 403 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,101 the most you'll want written about you 404 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,893 is "He Was a Good Boy" on your tombstone. 405 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:51,122 And even that will be a complete lie. 406 00:18:53,316 --> 00:18:55,899 I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie. 407 00:18:59,488 --> 00:19:02,123 We now return to The Talking Talking Dead, 408 00:19:02,191 --> 00:19:03,590 the show that talks about the show 409 00:19:03,659 --> 00:19:05,476 that talks about The Walking Dead. 410 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,574 Okay, so what do we think about what they thought about stuff? 411 00:19:08,598 --> 00:19:11,081 It was awesome. Oh, my God, it was so great 412 00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:13,596 how they thought that other show was so great. 413 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,531 Yeah, totally. And that one part of the show 414 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,500 where the guy was talking about that one part of the other show 415 00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:18,800 and how he didn't see that coming? 416 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,991 I did not see that coming. 417 00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:23,088 This is just too much to process. 418 00:19:23,112 --> 00:19:25,323 I need an aftershow after this aftershow, 419 00:19:25,347 --> 00:19:26,792 just to know what I just saw about 420 00:19:26,816 --> 00:19:29,094 what I just saw about what I just saw. 421 00:19:29,118 --> 00:19:31,302 Well done, Chris. Thank you. 422 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:34,038 And Brian, you certainly had yourself an adventure. 423 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:35,139 I sure did. 424 00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,341 Hey, whatever happened to Robot Brian anyway? 425 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,890 He moved down to the marina. I hear he's doing pretty well. 426 00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,892 It's been like this all morning. 427 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:46,328 I'm actually starting to get a little worried, you know? 428 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,919 It's not a bionic robot. It can break. 429 00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,533 What's that swoosh? 430 00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:52,168 He's got a mouth sensor, too. 431 00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:55,304 And remember, Brian, he wouldn't do anything you wouldn't do. 432 00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:56,872 He's you. 433 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,507 It's rather musical, isn't it? 434 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,108 Sounds like the "Carol of the Bells." 435 00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:08,617 Uhp, I'm getting a call. 436 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:11,324 Oh, no, it's Allison Janney. Decline, decline! 437 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,695 I tell you, Lois, being a masseuse is a tough job. 438 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,630 But it all just goes to show that basically 439 00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:25,122 every licensed massage therapist in this country is a prostitute. 440 00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:27,102 Oh, yeah. You can pretty much do whatever you want 441 00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:29,860 with any masseuse ever, because they're all prostitutes. 442 00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,562 And it's not just the masseuses. 443 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,408 If you're ever seeing, like, a physical therapist, 444 00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:36,767 or doing yoga with a private instructor? Just go for it. 445 00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,169 There's, like, an 80% chance you'll get there. 446 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,639 But Peter, there's-there's one thing I still don't get. 447 00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:44,541 Why did you take the massage job in the first place? 448 00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:47,110 For you, Lois. I did it to earn enough money 449 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:49,299 to buy a comb for your beautiful hair. 450 00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:51,582 Oh, Peter, didn't you know? 451 00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:55,419 I sold my beautiful hair to buy you a bottle of massage oil. 452 00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:59,856 Great. So now I'm an unemployed masseuse with a bald wife. 453 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,542 Merry fucking Christmas. 35323

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