All language subtitles for Family Guy - S17E09 - Pawtucket Pete (Uncensored)

Webster's defines "class"
as "a group of students

gathered at a pre-ordained time

for the purposes
of education."

Angela pretty much
epitomized class.

Who could turn
the world on with
her smile? Angela.

Who could take a nothing day

and suddenly make it all
seem worthwhile? Angela.

So no one told you
life was gonna be this way.

Angela.

Sometimes you want
to go where everybody
knows your name.

Angela.

Angela.

I'm sorry.
Death is hard for me.

But at least Angela died
doing what she loved:

swimming
less than 20 minutes
after she had eaten.

That's a real thing, kids.
Listen to your mothers.

That was Angela.
Fearless. Spontaneous.

Honest, about herself
just as much as she was

about the world around her.

She had grace, courage,
and an unmatched zest
for life.

She may be gone,
but her voice will live on

in DVD and Hulu Plus

and tiny droid-projected
messages.

I may have lost a boss,

but heaven has
gained a princess.

And I am at the wrong funeral.

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things
that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Any idea what
this meeting is about?

Oh, we're getting a new boss?
Oh, I hope it's Hugo Boss.

Then we'll all look snazzy.

Tonight's episode of Family Guy

is brought to you by Hugo Boss.

Look for us in the
low-trafficked corner
of Macy's

between Eddie Bauer
and the never-bought
male jewelry.

Attention, everyone!
Do not adjust your TV sets.

We are an interracial couple.

I'd like to introduce myself.

My name is Bert
and this is my
lovely wife Sheila.

Two sets of
disappointed parents
right there.

Well, only her parents.
Aah!

Now that Angela's
no longer with us,

we will be your new bosses.

We're splitting the job
because one of the
shareholders'

favorite songs was
"Ebony and Ivory,"

so here we are.

Now we know
it's difficult to remember

two new names,
so to make things easier,

- you can call us "Beila."
- Or "Shert."

Boy, I bet you
she's a handful
in the bedroom.

Two handfuls, baby.

Damn it, I went all the way
around the room!

Now, some of you
may find the idea

of two bosses
unconventional,
but...

we assure
you nothing will be different.

And our door
will always be open
to you any time of day.

And there is no issue
too big or too small.

Nice to meet all of you.

So, as our mascot
Pawtucket Pat says,

"All ye Federalists,
imbibe!"

It means,
"Everybody, drink."

Yeah!

Two bosses? This sucks.

Well, at least it beats
being home with my wife.

Peter!

Aah! When did we
cut back home?

Hey, Peter.
All right, Sheila,

let's do it right here
on the desk while
Bert watches.

No, Peter,
that's not
what this is.

Sorry, I-I thought
I was picking up on a vibe.

So, Peter, we've been
tasked with making
the operations

around here
run more efficiently,

and part of that
will involve
reassigning people

based on their abilities.

We want you to be
the office recyclables guy.

So we're gonna
put a flag on you,

and wherever you go,
people will know

that's where they put
their recyclables.

Please don't just
throw them over.

Well, at least make
sure all the liquids
are gone, please,

before you throw them.

Smithers,
who is that young
go-getter?

That's a character
from another show, sir.

Simpson, you say?
Pretty much, sir.

We now return to Titanic 2,

narrated by Al Gore.

Iceberg, right ahead!

But due
to man's excessive use
of fossil fuels,

climate change
had rendered
the iceberg

nothing more than a small cube.

Peter, why are you
wearing a flag?

Eh, it's part of my job now
'cause of my new bosses.

Uh, is it a promotion?

Because it doesn't
look like a promotion.

No, it looks like
an old lady's Rascal.

Aah!
So, who are these
new bosses?

Their names
are Bert and Sheila.
My job sucks now.

It's worse than when
I was a dinosaur walker.

Hey!
What?

Pick that up!
Pick what up?

That!
That?
That was there.

No, you were
looking at your
phone.

No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were.

Sir, this is a neighborhood

where we respect
the rules of society.

Ooh! Society now.
Sir Thomas More up here.

Good for you and your
neighborhood.

I'm gonna take
a picture of you
and post it on Facebook.

Oh, great!
I hope it gets
a lot of likes.

You know what?
I forgot my bag.

Ooh, you forgot your bag?
Yeah, I forgot my bag.

But I'll be sure to come back

and pick this up.
Oh, yes, I'm sure
you'll be back.

Look, I'm only here
to create an
amusing comparison

to my current job
Well, bully for you.

Which I am, at this moment,

describing to my family
in my living room.

So, technically,
you don't even exist.

Well, how do you know
I wasn't telling
my wife a story

and you're a figment
of my imagination?

I-I can assure you
that is not the case.

We'll be right back with more
Greg in the Window.

Well, I'll be.

♪ Window! ♪

Greg in the
Window, brought to you by

never-bought male jewelry.

Okay, Peter,
we've got something
else for you.

We need you to taste test

our new varieties
of seasonal beers,

which will be
coming down
this conveyor belt.

Place those on this tray.

All right,
that seems
easy enough.

Also, our delivery truck drivers

have to pass
an annual drug test,

so we'll need you
to collect their
urine samples.

They'll be coming
down this same
conveyor belt

in similarly colored cups,

which you will
need to place
on this tray.

Well, that doesn't
seem like a...

Belt activated.

Uh, showtime.

Pumpkin, not bad.

Ugh, trucker pee.

Belt speed increasing.

Oh, boy.

Apple cinnamon, not bad.

Pee laced with meth.

- Winter wheat.
- Lady trucker pee.

Belt speed maximum.

Ah, crap!
Trucker. Trucker.

Oktoberfest. Trucker.

Amber squash, yuck.
Trucker. Trucker.

And let's hope this one
was an Asparagus IPA.

Too bad about the latest
sales numbers, huh?

I don't talk to anyone
standing at a urinal.

Too bad about the latest
sales numbers, huh?

Thanks for waiting.

You know, our testing
came back and shows

we're losing market share.

Apparently, nobody
can relate to our mascot
Pawtucket Pat.

Are you guys
talking about work
in there?

Oh, yes, come on in, honey.

We've put our wangs away.

Did you tell him
about our testing?

Yeah, our customers find
a 300-year-old mascot

hard to relate to.
They want a regular guy.

You know, a-a guy
who'd drink a beer
on a toilet.

Griffin?

No.

It is you, Peter.

What are you doing?

Playing a game
on my phone
and having a beer.

And, God willing,
going to the bathroom.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

He must be shittin'
on his shirt tail?

Ew, yes, but also,

that's exactly
the kind of customer

we should be appealing to.

I think we found
our new mascot.
Are you in, Peter?

May I have a moment
to talk it over
with my mentor?

Sure.

I'm in.

No. We did it.

Wow, Peter,
so you're really
replacing Pawtucket Pat

as the new mascot?
Yup, I'm the new
Pawtucket Pat.

Hey, now you
and Jared from Subway

have two things in common.

No! No,
that's not true, Meg!
It's not true!

Peter, Peter,
she's garbage.
She's garbage.

Let it go.
You're the king.
Yeah, garbage, yeah.

Anyway, turn on the TV.

They're about
to play my first
commercial.

Pawtucket Patriot:

the perfect beer
for New England beaches.

Ladies and gentlemen,

throwing out today's
ceremonial first pitch,

the face of the Pawtucket
Patriot Brewery,

Pawtucket Pat!

Aah! Please kill me!

Still buy the beer, though.

And now,
a five-hour baseball game.

Hey, guys,
I'm Billy on the Street,

and I'm here
with one of the
biggest mascots

in America right now.
Popular, he means.
Not large.

Let me do my intro!

Okay, we're gonna
go up to people
and give a dollar

to everyone
who recognizes you.
Let's go.

Sir, sir, sir, for a dollar,
do you know who this is?

No.
Oh, come on,
he's in a new commercial.

I don't even own a TV.

Oh, you don't own a TV?
I'm very impressed! Let's go!

Sir, sir, quick, tell me.

Who is this man?
Uh...

Adweek magazine called him
the Pitchman of the Year.

Who doesn't read Adweek?!

There's,
uh, there's
more running

than I thought there'd be.

Oh, is he
Jerry Ferrara?
Jerry Ferrara?

You mean Turtle
from Entourage?
You're the worst!

Even worse than
the Entourage movie!

Mark Wahlberg
is one of our
finest producers!

I-I don't, uh,
I-I don't feel
comfortable doing this.

He was just getting
a cup of coffee
with his daughter.

They should know you!
Hey, you're
Pawtucket Pat.

Yes, thank you!
He's Pawtucket Pat!

Not that I watch this show.

I watch Black Mirror
and The Goldbergs,
and that's it!

Wow, can I get
a picture with you?

No!
What's his problem?

Between you and me,
I think he may need
a lady friend.

Peter, I'm famously gay!

Oh, my God,
he ran around
the world.

Hey, so how's the whole
Pawtucket Pat thing going?

Aw, it's the best.

Everywhere I go,
people recognize me
and love me.

And the other day,
I even got to hang out

with a bunch of other
famous mascots.

So, you, uh, you really
make all those cookies
in that tree?

They're great!

Like, the tree
is wood.
Ho, ho, ho.

Like, how does the tree
not catch on fire?

Hey, you want to cool it
with that drumming?
Aflac.

Anyway, do you
have to water
your house?

'Cause I would
think that...
They're great!

You know what,
let's just forget
the conversation

and just pose for the picture.

By the way, Tony,
I'm sorry your wife
was shot

by Donald Trump's children.

Hi, Peter.

It's me, Sheila, and me, Bert.

Here's a dollar!
Stop talking like that!

Sorry about him.
We ruined people's days

in New York earlier.

We came by to share
some great news.

That's right.

Your character's so popular,

you're gonna have
a balloon in the annual
Quahog Parade!

No way.
That's awesome!
Said no one ever.

Ah. Yes.
I've seen that
on the Internet.

Uh, who is this?

Oh, that's-that's my dog, Brian.

You have a dog
that makes jokes
and drinks beer?

Not just any beer.

Pawtucket Patriot
Truckers Blend.

Ah, I approved that.
Oh, this is just
what we need.

You guys are
great together.
What are you talking about?

Well, think about it, Peter.

The public loves Pawtucket Pat.

Imagine how much
they'd love to know

he has a funny sidekick dog
who drinks with him.

Wow, that could be really cool.

What do you say, Brian?

You're saying you
need a mascot's
sidekick?

Hold my beer.

Uhp, that's also
from the Internet.

Hi, I'm Bert of Bert and Sheila.

And I'm Sheila.

All right. Now, before
we bring out Daughtry...

Hurry it up!
Some of us came
for Daughtry!

It's our pleasure
to introduce Pawtucket Pat

and his new sidekick
Hops McElaney,

the Alcoholic Dog.
Come on, y'all!

Say, Brian...
"Hops."

Hops.
Yes, Peter?

"Pat."
Pat.

What were you doing
up on the roof last night?

Well, Peter...
"Pat."

Pat. I was up
on the roof

because you told me
drinks were on the house.

Nice one, Brian.

"Hops."
Hops.

Let's hear more from the dog!

Hops! Hops! Hops!

And Daughtry!

I'm sorry, sir,
you can't park here.

This spot is reserved
for the brewery mascot.

Yeah, I am the brewery mascot.

No, you're the
brewery mascot's
sidekick.

What the hell?
I'm the sidekick?

Aw, my life can't get any worse.

Hey, at least you're
not getting attacked

by a goose for no reason.

Hey, you got bread, bro?
Give me that bread, bro.

Come on, bro. Bro.

Help me, Officer Goosefear!

Guys, from now on,
I need to stand this up

in the middle of your table.

Pawww yeah!

'Cause he's a dog.

Man, I hate
being a sidekick
to this stupid dog.

Yeah, I can imagine, Peter.

I doubt you can, Quagmire.

None of you can.

Well, I think
I understand...
I'm talking, Glenn.

I doubt any of you
can begin to know
what it's like

to ride someone's coattails,

to play second fiddle
to some fat idiot,

to constantly
be setting up
someone else's...

♪ It's The Joe Show ♪

♪ Starring Joe ♪

♪ Doing all sorts
of Joe things ♪

♪ Not your average joe,
and also he can walk. ♪

Just a footnote
to someone else's narrative.

I tell you, this sucks worse

than being a monkey
at Coachella.

Dude, it sucks this year.
There's no good bands.

There's Bananarama.
There's, like,
one good band.

Hey, Brian,
you want to go
to the park?

The public park?

Uh, no, I don't think
that'd be a good idea.

Because of Beaglemania.

What?
My fame.

That's what they're calling it.

Who's calling it Beaglemania?

Well, you just did.
Catching on.

Well, leave it
to you to ruin it.

Just like Dasani ruined water.

Hey, guys, so
you know how water
tastes like nothing?

Well, what if it tasted
like every bottle
had a nickel in it?

I want you to sign my chest.

And I want to hawk
a loogie in your face.

I want you to sign my ass.

And I want to hawk
a loogie in your face.

I want you
to autograph
my stomach.

Okay, fine, but do me a favor:
don't spit on my friend.

Hey, Brian?

Why don't you
mind your own
fuckin' business?

Oh, God,
again with this
Beaglemania?

Where'd you get
those T-shirts?
From Brian.

He says it's really catching on.

Well, it isn't.
It's a joke.
It's no joke for him, Dad.

He even recorded The Bite Album.

K-nine. K-nine.

K-nine. K-nine. K-nine.

K-nine. K-nine.

Coming up, uncomfortable pause

as anchor throws
to reporter in the field.

But first, hey, hungover dads,
want to go to a parade?

Does that sound like fun
on a Sunday morning?

Not just being worried
about your kids,

but everyone else's
kids around you, too?

For more,
here's Tricia Takanawa.

Apparently we've lost Tricia...

Tom, I'm standing here
outside some public toilets

where dads who are really
hurting will be vomiting

in front of their
still-developing children.

The parade is tomorrow,
but already the giant balloons

are being inflated, including
two newcomers this year:

Pepe, the alt-right frog,

and Hops the Dog,
the beloved beer pitchman.

Aw, man.
Brian gets his
own balloon?

This can't get any worse.

In fact, Hops is so popular
that hundreds of Quahog women

have volunteered
to blow up his balloon.

Aw, that's the cashier
at the CVS I like.

And here comes the
marching band,

led by baton twirler
Jane Duncan,

whose aunt is famously-thin
actress Bebe Neuwirth.

Jane lists her hobbies
as baton twirling

and trying to contact her aunt.

And, look,
is that the beer mascot

you've all been waiting for?

That's right, it's Hops the Dog.

Stupid Brian.
Can't even wave
to the crowd right.

Hi! Thanks for
coming out. Hi!

Hops! Hops! Hops!

Where's Dad?
He's missing this.

Say goodbye, Hops.

Excuse me, sir?

Are you a guest of the hotel?

I-I, uh...
I'm-I'm just here
for an event.

Oh, are you part
of Sarah's
bridal brunch?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Can't-can't believe
she's heading down
the aisle.

Well, they're making
speeches in the
Santa Fe Lounge.

If you hurry,
you can still
get yours in.

Well, Sarah, another
turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.

Who is he again?

I think he's that guy
from the funeral.

You know, part of me
is glad Sarah met Henry,

because she and I
had a pact that
if neither of us

was married by 40,
we'd get hitched.

And I think you all know
how that would have gone.

Everybody, get down!

So, to Sarah and Henry.

May they have
a long and happy
marriage.

Tom, I'm standing here
along the parade route

where the Hops balloon
has just been punctured,

and is now raining helium

down on the crowd,

creating chaos
and wreaking havoc.

We have an active shooter!

I repeat, we have
an active shooter!

I can't stress the seriousness
of this situation enough!

This is a disaster!

Brian, you're fired.

What do you mean?
This isn't my fault.

I'm never drinking
this beer again.

My voice is
impervious
to helium.

♪ ♪

What a mess, huh?

Hey, Peter,
sorry all that fame
went to my head.

And I'm sorry
I shot your balloon.

How'd you get
out of jail so fast?

I took a hostage.

It's an ongoing situation.

Honey,
close that window
and come to bed.

In a minute.
Greg Mitchell,

sometimes I feel like
I married you
and that window.

The two of you
are more similar
than you think.

And how's that?

Well, for one thing,
you're both a real pane.

♪ Window. ♪