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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
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00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,374
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:11,943
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:14,946
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:18,450
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:21,603
♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
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♪ All the thingsthat make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
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♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:41,525 --> 00:00:43,937
Brian, why are you
dressed like a douche
11
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:46,005
who hangs out
with multiracial friends
12
00:00:46,029 --> 00:00:48,096
in a McDonald's commercial?
13
00:00:48,164 --> 00:00:49,598
Okay.
14
00:00:49,666 --> 00:00:51,299
All right, that'll do.
15
00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:52,996
Well, I'm heading out.
See y'all.
16
00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:55,253
Hey, Brian, that hat makes you
look like a wang.
17
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:57,434
Squat and white
with a dark mushroom cap,
18
00:00:57,458 --> 00:01:00,018
like Michael Jackson.
Is that true?
19
00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:02,878
Yes.
20
00:01:02,947 --> 00:01:05,292
Let me guess, Bri.
You're off to try
and get laid
21
00:01:05,316 --> 00:01:07,415
at some sad nightclub.
Shut up, Stewie.
22
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:08,917
I'm not just out for sex.
23
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,954
I want a woman
who I can spend
the rest of my life with.
24
00:01:12,022 --> 00:01:13,655
I simply haven't found her yet.
25
00:01:13,724 --> 00:01:15,802
And you never will,
because the truth is,
26
00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:18,805
you're a selfish horndog
who's getting too old
for the game.
27
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:21,563
I beg to differ.
I think I've got the lingo
28
00:01:21,631 --> 00:01:23,782
of today's lady down pat.
29
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:27,518
Hey. Might I Pinterest you
in a drink-point-oh?
30
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♪ ♪
31
00:01:34,578 --> 00:01:36,678
Ladies.
32
00:01:36,746 --> 00:01:39,347
How about the Verizon guy
moving over to Sprint? Huh?
33
00:01:39,416 --> 00:01:41,394
That seems kind of wack, right?
34
00:01:41,418 --> 00:01:42,950
Like, zero chill.
35
00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:44,452
I can't understand you.
36
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:47,121
Does anyone here speak Old Dude?
37
00:01:47,191 --> 00:01:49,524
Is Bernie Sanders here
bothering you?
38
00:01:52,762 --> 00:01:54,402
♪ ♪Another bourbon, please.
39
00:01:54,431 --> 00:01:56,364
Shut up, dick.
What?
40
00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:59,184
- Why do I come here?
- Tell me about it.
41
00:01:59,236 --> 00:02:01,987
He called me a dick earlier.
42
00:02:02,056 --> 00:02:04,056
I'm Jess.
Thanks. I'm Brian.
43
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,824
Well, Jess, bottoms up.
44
00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:08,060
If you're lucky.
45
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,996
So, this place, uh...
46
00:02:11,065 --> 00:02:13,276
it's worse than Syria,
don't you think?
47
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,233
Yes! Everything about it
is awful.
48
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:17,069
The people, the music...
49
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,282
If you can call it music.
If you can call it music.
50
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:22,174
Oh, my God, we were grumpy
and bitter at the same time.
51
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:24,676
I like you, Brian.
52
00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:26,895
You actually say
what's on your mind.
53
00:02:26,963 --> 00:02:28,513
Hey, life's too short, right?
54
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:29,982
Tell me about it.
55
00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:32,801
I've been diagnosed
with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
56
00:02:32,870 --> 00:02:34,836
Oh, you know, cancer?
57
00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:36,905
Oh, my God,
I thought I smelled cancer.
58
00:02:36,974 --> 00:02:38,907
Still want to go back
to my place?
59
00:02:38,976 --> 00:02:41,376
Sounds great.
Or, as young people say,
60
00:02:41,444 --> 00:02:43,444
"Hashtag yes!"
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00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:57,358
Whew!
That was incredible.
62
00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:00,240
And hey,
sorry I barked when
you took your pants off.
63
00:03:00,264 --> 00:03:01,807
I thought it was a squirrel.
64
00:03:01,831 --> 00:03:02,931
Ready to go again?
65
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,266
Oh, I need time.
66
00:03:04,335 --> 00:03:06,579
I'm still recovering
from that one thing you did
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00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,870
that was so obscene,
it couldn't even be described
68
00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:11,073
on lame, dying network TV.
69
00:03:11,141 --> 00:03:12,924
Have you always been so...
70
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:15,226
Freaky? No.
But when I got my diagnosis,
71
00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:20,198
I made a bucket list
of wild sex stuff
I want to try.
72
00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:22,612
Jess, I would like
to help you cross off
73
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,664
every single item on this list.
74
00:03:24,688 --> 00:03:26,888
Aw. You would do that for me?
75
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,523
All except for number 17.
76
00:03:28,591 --> 00:03:29,925
I'm allergic to chocolate.
77
00:03:29,993 --> 00:03:32,260
But isn't that
only if you eat it?
78
00:03:32,329 --> 00:03:35,396
You know what?
Let me make a phone call.
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00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,982
♪ ♪
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00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:47,625
♪ Oh... ♪
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00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,864
♪ Yeah! ♪
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00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,520
Brian, I'm glad
your girlfriend
could join us
83
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,622
for dinner tonight.
Thanks, Lois.
84
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,669
And when she gets back
from the bathroom,
85
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,671
none of you say anything
about cancer.
86
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,873
I'm serious.
I really enjoy spending
time with this woman,
87
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:26,008
and I don't want you
ruining it for me.
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00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:28,010
Okay, okay, promise.
Of course. We got it.
89
00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:29,696
Lois, you didn't have to go
through all this trouble.
90
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,654
It's like a whole
Thanksgiving dinner.
91
00:04:32,723 --> 00:04:34,255
Oh, it's no problem, Jess.
92
00:04:34,324 --> 00:04:35,873
We're happy to have you.
93
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:38,176
Chris, pass me
a turkey leg, would you?
94
00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:39,844
I prefer the limbs.
95
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:42,364
I got a "limb fo' Ma."
96
00:04:42,432 --> 00:04:45,333
Uh, let's stop talking
about the food. All right?
97
00:04:45,402 --> 00:04:47,482
Anyone seen
any good movies lately?
98
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,136
I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.
99
00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:51,200
Oh, man, I love
every Tom Hanks movie,
100
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:52,824
except The Terminal.
101
00:04:52,892 --> 00:04:54,870
There's nothing worse
than when you're
flipping channels,
102
00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:56,872
and you're like,
"Oh, God, it's Terminal.
103
00:04:56,896 --> 00:04:58,107
"Don't say it's Terminal.
104
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,042
"God, what have I done
to deserve this?
105
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:02,045
Why does it have
to be Terminal?"
106
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,970
Sir, I will tell you
a great Tom Hanks movie:
107
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,222
Catch Me If You Can, sir.
108
00:05:07,290 --> 00:05:09,402
You have literally
never called Peter "sir."
109
00:05:09,426 --> 00:05:11,905
Well, I've never told you
that I can't throw
a boomerang,
110
00:05:11,929 --> 00:05:13,261
but it's true.
111
00:05:19,302 --> 00:05:21,447
See? I told you.
But at least
I don't have cancer,
112
00:05:21,471 --> 00:05:23,282
like your girlfriend.
That's it.
113
00:05:23,306 --> 00:05:25,056
I'm getting you out of here.
114
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,597
I like your family.
They're scumbags.
115
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,666
I like you.
116
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,202
No, Jess...
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00:05:37,271 --> 00:05:39,037
I really like you.
118
00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:42,118
I can't remember
the last time
I felt this happy.
119
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:45,126
♪ ♪
120
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,701
I feel dizzy.
121
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,035
Me, too.
122
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,371
This all happened so fast, I...
123
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,089
Jess? Are you okay?
124
00:06:00,009 --> 00:06:01,075
Jess?
125
00:06:01,144 --> 00:06:03,139
Are you guys still leaving?
126
00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:04,596
Oh. Yeah. Sorry.
127
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:13,471
♪ ♪
128
00:06:18,645 --> 00:06:19,911
Wait, where's Dr. Hartman?
129
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,958
I'm afraid Jess's condition
is too serious
130
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,960
to be announced
by Dr. Hartman.
131
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:26,295
So they sent me,
Dr. Gravitas.
132
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,303
Oh... boy.
Uh-oh.
133
00:06:28,371 --> 00:06:30,283
Jess, I'll come right out
and say it.
134
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,152
The cancer did not respond
to treatment
135
00:06:32,176 --> 00:06:34,242
and has spread
throughout your body.
136
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,795
You've got approximately
two weeks left to live.
137
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,296
Oh, my God.
138
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:39,664
Oh...
139
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,334
I'm so sorry, Jess.
140
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,281
If there's anything I can do...
141
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:46,721
No, you've been great.
142
00:06:46,790 --> 00:06:49,491
I mean, you don't even
need to be here right now.
143
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:50,925
I'm just some woman
144
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,495
who never got to have
the career she wanted
145
00:06:53,564 --> 00:06:55,797
or get married or have kids.
146
00:06:58,552 --> 00:07:01,636
One of those things...
you can do.
147
00:07:01,705 --> 00:07:03,271
It would be my honor
148
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:05,317
if you spent
the rest of your life
149
00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:06,675
as my bride.
150
00:07:06,743 --> 00:07:09,344
Oh, Brian. Yes!
151
00:07:09,412 --> 00:07:12,613
♪ ♪
152
00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:16,284
Oh, this is my vet.
153
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:17,685
Hello?
154
00:07:17,754 --> 00:07:18,987
Oh, great.
155
00:07:19,055 --> 00:07:20,355
Well, some good news.
156
00:07:20,423 --> 00:07:22,735
That chocolate thing
from the bucket list?
157
00:07:22,759 --> 00:07:24,804
We're all good.
Let's do it.
158
00:07:24,828 --> 00:07:28,063
Toblerone probably isn't
the best thing for this.
159
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,172
Brian? It would mean
the world to me
160
00:07:38,241 --> 00:07:40,808
if you wore my tux
from when I got married.
161
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,143
I love you, buddy.
162
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,557
Yeah, I'm not wearing
a fat guy's old clothes.
163
00:07:44,581 --> 00:07:47,782
And... Wha... Is this a flap
on the butt of these pants?
164
00:07:47,851 --> 00:07:49,617
Yup.
In case of emergencies.
165
00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:51,653
My invention.
Called it the Suit-Chute.
166
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,155
Got it patented in '97
and went into business.
167
00:07:54,223 --> 00:07:56,291
Shot a local commercial
and everything.
168
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,437
I'm Peter Griffin,
inventor of the Suit-Chute.
169
00:07:58,461 --> 00:08:00,172
Are you about to
walk down the aisle
170
00:08:00,196 --> 00:08:01,440
and afraid
you'll leave it brown?
171
00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:03,542
Did you eat creamy soup
just before the opera?
172
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,726
Are you George Brett
at an awards ceremony?
173
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:07,819
Then you need a tux
with the Suit-Chute.
174
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,520
Don't take my word for it.
175
00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:13,358
Ask famous Hollywood
actor-slash-pants filler
Dennis Franz.
176
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,693
On NYPD Blue,
I'm known for packin' heat.
177
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:18,163
But every year
when I go to the Emmys,
178
00:08:18,232 --> 00:08:21,366
the heat I'm packin'
is clumpy and smells terrible.
179
00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:23,935
Not anymore,
thanks to the Suit-Chute.
180
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:25,704
And the winner is...
181
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:28,072
your socks and shoes.
182
00:08:31,661 --> 00:08:34,228
The business died,
and I lost $200,000, Brian.
183
00:08:34,297 --> 00:08:35,496
Want to know why?
184
00:08:35,565 --> 00:08:38,399
"555" means it is not
an actual phone number.
185
00:08:38,468 --> 00:08:40,735
I truly wish I had known that.
186
00:08:42,839 --> 00:08:45,118
Brian, I want nothing to do
with this sham wedding.
187
00:08:45,142 --> 00:08:47,842
So if you're going to ask me
to be your best man, don't.
188
00:08:47,911 --> 00:08:49,911
I'm not. I want you to be
the ring bearer,
189
00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:51,579
and wear a vest
and a boutonniere
190
00:08:51,648 --> 00:08:53,993
and carry a satin pillow...
Sold, sold. Yes, I'm in.
191
00:08:54,017 --> 00:08:55,561
But it's still wrong.
There's no way
192
00:08:55,585 --> 00:08:57,797
you'd be marrying this woman
if she wasn't going to die
193
00:08:57,821 --> 00:08:59,581
in two weeks.
Oh, come on!
194
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,256
Did you know
that Lois was so moved
195
00:09:01,324 --> 00:09:04,308
she called Channel Five
to do a profile of me
and Jess?
196
00:09:04,361 --> 00:09:07,696
And now get out
your tissues, it's a real-life
Quahog version
197
00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:09,531
of The Fault in Our Stars,
198
00:09:09,599 --> 00:09:13,084
the novel and hit movie
your gay nephew
quotes on Facebook.
199
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,086
♪ ♪
200
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:16,922
My name is Jess.
201
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,456
I have cancer.
202
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:21,259
But cancer doesn't have me.
203
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,794
My name is Brian.
204
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:24,262
I have a disease...
205
00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:25,931
called love.
206
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,933
It may have started in my penis,
207
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,234
but it spread to my heart.
208
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,137
♪ ♪
209
00:09:35,558 --> 00:09:38,759
And, Brian,
when you learned Jess had
only weeks to live,
210
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,278
you proposed.
211
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,113
Yep. Got in
right under the wire.
212
00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:45,149
No one's ever loved me
like Brian does.
213
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:48,686
You know, sometimes at night
I just watch Jess sleep
for hours.
214
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,088
And I go,
"Hey. Hey, you alive?"
215
00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:53,791
And she says, "Yeah,"
and then I go,
"All right, good."
216
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,793
I'm, uh... I'm sorry.
217
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:59,330
I'm sorry to be a puss.
218
00:10:00,917 --> 00:10:02,283
Hey, pal.
219
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,563
Listen, I kn-I know
we've had our differences,
220
00:10:04,587 --> 00:10:07,521
but you're a good guy.
Thank you, Quagmire.
221
00:10:07,590 --> 00:10:10,158
Listen, I want to throw you
the wildest bachelor party
222
00:10:10,227 --> 00:10:12,238
of all time.
It's gonna be crazier
223
00:10:12,262 --> 00:10:15,346
than whatever
Kanye West is doing
at this particular moment.
224
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:17,648
I'm giving this lasagna
a massage
225
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:20,118
while preparing to announce
I'm joining ISIS.
226
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,203
Thank you for your interest.
227
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:28,493
This is delicious.
228
00:10:28,562 --> 00:10:30,540
Hmm. I still think
the butter cream
229
00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:32,575
was the best cake
I've thrown up so far.
230
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:34,899
Oh, speaking of which. Mwah!
231
00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:38,202
Excuse me,
I don't mean to bother you.
232
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:41,005
A-Are you the dog
who's marrying
the cancer girl?
233
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,907
Oh, uh, yeah, I am.
234
00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:45,326
Oh, my God, we saw you
on the news last night!
235
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,695
You are just
the best person.
I can't even.
236
00:10:47,764 --> 00:10:49,180
How's she doing?
237
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,414
Honestly, not well.
238
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,400
She's only got ten days.
239
00:10:52,469 --> 00:10:55,002
So in ten days you'll be alone?
240
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,370
I guess.
241
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,005
Well, maybe not.
242
00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,507
I'll give you my number.
243
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:02,209
Here, I'll put my number in
with my tongue.
244
00:11:02,278 --> 00:11:05,346
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
245
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:07,259
I'm not sure that's
a complete number,
246
00:11:07,283 --> 00:11:10,401
but I'm gonna call you first.
247
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:11,981
Wow. I haven't gotten
this kind of attention
248
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,238
since I went to see
The Peanuts Movie.
249
00:11:15,492 --> 00:11:16,803
Look.
There he is.
250
00:11:16,827 --> 00:11:18,103
That's him.
251
00:11:18,127 --> 00:11:21,262
That's the guy who peed
in his empty soda cup.
252
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,540
Hello, Brian,
I'm Jess's mother, Helen.
253
00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:33,941
Oh, hey.
254
00:11:34,010 --> 00:11:35,788
L-Listen, I've been
wanting to talk to you.
255
00:11:35,812 --> 00:11:38,546
I-I was thinking
maybe you could move in
with me and Jess,
256
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:41,616
because I-I know
you'd want to be with her
for her final days.
257
00:11:41,685 --> 00:11:43,262
Well, now, thank you, Brian.
258
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:44,585
That is such a sweet offer.
259
00:11:44,654 --> 00:11:46,187
I would love to be there.
260
00:11:46,255 --> 00:11:47,888
Now, you have a blessed day.
261
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:50,825
Oh... Oh, no.
262
00:11:55,498 --> 00:11:57,065
We's all gathered here
263
00:11:57,133 --> 00:12:00,451
to join this couple
in holy matrimony.
264
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,120
Yet another wedding
265
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:04,822
I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.
266
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,810
We's just waiting
for his mama to die.
267
00:12:08,878 --> 00:12:10,945
We've written our own vows.
268
00:12:11,014 --> 00:12:12,613
Oh, no.
269
00:12:12,682 --> 00:12:15,249
Brian, I... I haven't
known you that long.
270
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:16,650
But these past weeks,
271
00:12:16,719 --> 00:12:19,920
I feel like you've given me
a lifetime of love.
272
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:22,256
I vow to honor you
and cherish you
273
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,258
until the day I die,
274
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:25,993
a week from Wednesday.
275
00:12:26,062 --> 00:12:28,796
I'm so happy to place this ring
276
00:12:28,865 --> 00:12:32,483
on the weird dog thumb
you have halfway up your arm.
277
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:40,258
Jess, I wish we had
a million years together.
278
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,260
But what we have is this moment,
279
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,862
and I wouldn't trade it
for anything.
280
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:48,800
With this ring,
I vow to honor you
and cherish you...
281
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:50,802
for the rest of the month.
282
00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:54,806
Ma'am, do you take this doggie
to be your husband?
283
00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:56,140
I do.
284
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:57,308
Yay!
285
00:12:57,376 --> 00:12:58,475
How about you, doggie?
286
00:12:58,544 --> 00:12:59,643
Samesies?
287
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:00,712
I do.
288
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,313
Yay, again!
289
00:13:02,381 --> 00:13:04,515
By the power bottom
vested in me,
290
00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:07,651
I now pronounce y'all
husband and wife.
291
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,204
Kiss!
292
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:13,274
Aw.
293
00:13:17,396 --> 00:13:19,881
Everyone!
Your attention, please!
294
00:13:19,949 --> 00:13:21,382
Dr. Gravitas?
295
00:13:21,451 --> 00:13:22,561
That's right.
296
00:13:22,585 --> 00:13:24,830
I want to give you two
your first gift.
297
00:13:24,854 --> 00:13:26,699
These are your latest
test results, Jess.
298
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:27,900
And they're remarkable.
299
00:13:27,924 --> 00:13:29,023
Meaning what?
300
00:13:29,092 --> 00:13:32,393
Meaning Jess...
is going to live.
301
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:37,182
♪ ♪
302
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,518
Brian, we really
will be together forever.
303
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:43,721
Forever and ever and ever!
304
00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:47,525
Can you believe this?
305
00:13:47,593 --> 00:13:48,993
What?
306
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,828
Jess is gonna live.
307
00:13:50,897 --> 00:13:53,242
I-I'm sorry,
I took a-a muscle relaxer
this morning.
308
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,499
Tinazidine.
309
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,334
Before you drove here?
310
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:58,414
Yeah, I took half of one
before I got in the car.
311
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,082
And then another half
at a red light.
312
00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:01,417
It's fine, it's Tinazidine.
313
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:02,721
I-I might take another half.
314
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:03,819
You want a half?
315
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,077
Oh, no.
316
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:08,427
Come on. It was
prescribed by a doctor
317
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,561
to a guy named John Selvaggio
318
00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:13,062
who has a mailbox
that he can't see
from his front yard.
319
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,263
It's Tinazidine.
320
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,619
Stop saying what it is.
321
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,233
Tinazidine:
322
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,168
the white, plastic pouch
in your neighbor's mailbox
323
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,659
that might be
three months of drugs.
324
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,404
Oh, my God.
It is so incredible
325
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,422
having my appetite back.
326
00:14:35,491 --> 00:14:36,958
Mm.
327
00:14:37,026 --> 00:14:39,060
I love you.
328
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,461
Ah, shrimp.
329
00:14:40,529 --> 00:14:41,895
It's like I'm a baby bird.
330
00:14:45,168 --> 00:14:48,285
This turn me on, too.
331
00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:56,327
Brian, did you hear that?
332
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,461
Mm-hmm.
333
00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:59,041
Remember what the doctor said?
334
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:02,900
Flatulence means
my digestive system
is working again.
335
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:05,669
Oh, my God, I must have, like,
336
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:08,639
six months worth
of cancer-farts built up.
337
00:15:19,853 --> 00:15:21,496
Would you stop farting, please?
338
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,854
This is a nice hotel.
339
00:15:27,193 --> 00:15:29,827
Okay, that's the last box.
340
00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:32,696
Aw, you're so glad
to be back with me,
aren't you?
341
00:15:32,749 --> 00:15:34,315
Mommy was so sad
342
00:15:34,383 --> 00:15:36,918
when she had to put you
all up for adoption.
343
00:15:36,986 --> 00:15:38,586
Yes, she was.
344
00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:40,955
Ooh, I'm going
straight to the kitchen
345
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:43,424
to make my favorite meal
in a tiny apartment:
346
00:15:43,492 --> 00:15:45,526
microwaved salmon.
347
00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:52,650
Welcome back, Brian.
348
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,830
That's Lou,
349
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:57,504
the apartment manager
from when Brian moved out.
350
00:15:57,573 --> 00:16:00,174
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.
351
00:16:02,245 --> 00:16:03,544
What?
352
00:16:03,612 --> 00:16:05,212
That's my thing I say, remember?
353
00:16:05,281 --> 00:16:06,480
Oh. Uh, no.
354
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,711
I-I can't imagine anyone does.
355
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,345
Hey, listen,
thanks for renting to us
356
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:12,715
even though we have
ten cats and couldn't
make the deposit.
357
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,517
Spent, uh, pretty much
every last penny
on our wedding.
358
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,053
Dead broke.
359
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:19,510
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.
360
00:16:24,934 --> 00:16:27,902
So, Bri, this...
361
00:16:27,970 --> 00:16:30,505
So, Bri, this is
once again your hellhole.
362
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,306
I was going to help you move in
363
00:16:32,375 --> 00:16:34,975
but you don't really
own anything, do you?
364
00:16:35,044 --> 00:16:36,789
Yeah, we didn't bother
to register for gifts
365
00:16:36,813 --> 00:16:39,180
because she was supposed to die!
366
00:16:39,249 --> 00:16:41,716
I must say,
she's looking... healthy.
367
00:16:41,784 --> 00:16:44,184
Putting those Juicy pants
to the test.
368
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:46,131
Stewie,
I've got to get out of this.
369
00:16:46,155 --> 00:16:47,399
You were right all along, okay?
370
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:48,703
I'm not ready to be married.
371
00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:50,469
I-I got to...
I got to get a divorce.
372
00:16:50,493 --> 00:16:52,373
Oh, that'll go over well
after you paraded
373
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:54,695
your "great love" around town.
374
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,064
Which reminds me,
your follow-up
Tom Tucker profile
375
00:16:57,133 --> 00:16:58,716
is coming on now.
376
00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,084
We got countless letters
377
00:17:00,152 --> 00:17:02,064
after our profile
of the Cancer Girl
378
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:04,555
who won her sweetheart's paw
in marriage.
379
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:07,391
Turns out their story
has a very happy ending.
380
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:10,728
Due to audio issues,
the following footage
is subtitled.
381
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,662
Brian, look.
382
00:17:47,717 --> 00:17:49,311
Holy...
I know.
383
00:17:49,335 --> 00:17:50,968
My hair's growing back.
384
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:52,837
What do you think?
385
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:55,907
You look like a baby doll
found in hurricane rubble.
386
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:58,342
Aw, I'm your baby doll.
387
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,445
I'll get it.
388
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:03,948
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit?
389
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,783
Nothing?
390
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:10,287
Oh, hey, Helen.
What are you doing here?
391
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:12,957
Coming to live with you,
like you asked me to
at the wedding.
392
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:15,092
Are-are you watching HBO?
393
00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,928
I'm a Christian woman, Brian.
394
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,696
Cancel HBO now.
395
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,130
We can spend the extra money
396
00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:21,966
on the big photos
of fetuses I hold
397
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,836
while I yell at people
outside Panera.
398
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:26,248
Mom, guess what?
399
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,383
My farts are back.
400
00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:31,053
Mine never went away.
401
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:33,637
Oh, man.
402
00:18:36,766 --> 00:18:39,817
Uh-huh.
So the crazy ex-girlfriend
403
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:42,503
sings this hilarious song.
Uh-huh.
404
00:18:42,572 --> 00:18:44,249
It's all about how
she's having her period,
405
00:18:44,273 --> 00:18:45,973
but the other guy
she wanted to impress...
406
00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,887
The one who created
the social media app...
407
00:18:47,911 --> 00:18:49,421
He walks in while she's singing,
408
00:18:49,445 --> 00:18:51,829
so now he's not
into her, either.
409
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:53,197
Uh-huh.
410
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:58,568
Will you get me more salsa?
Uh-huh.
411
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,171
Brian.
412
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:02,173
Will you get me more salsa?
413
00:19:02,241 --> 00:19:03,740
Huh? Oh, uh, yeah.
414
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,742
Sorry. Got it.
415
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:12,866
They only had mild.
416
00:19:16,939 --> 00:19:19,017
Well, I'm sorry
it's so disgusting,
417
00:19:19,041 --> 00:19:21,007
but that's all they have.
418
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:23,677
Oh, you're gonna die if you
have to eat mild salsa?
419
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:25,262
Come on.
420
00:19:27,316 --> 00:19:29,361
Wait, are you...
Oh, my G...
421
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:31,263
Oh, my God, are you choking?
422
00:19:31,287 --> 00:19:33,465
She's... Someone...
I don't...
423
00:19:33,489 --> 00:19:34,922
Heimlich maneuver.
424
00:19:34,990 --> 00:19:36,468
How do you do
the Heimlich maneuver?
425
00:19:36,492 --> 00:19:37,892
Come on, come on.
426
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,661
Damn it. I've got one song
by Haim on my phone,
427
00:19:40,730 --> 00:19:42,608
and every time
I try to type
"Heimlich," it...
428
00:19:42,632 --> 00:19:44,632
♪ ♪
429
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,557
Oh, my God.
Somebody call 911!
430
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:53,958
Damn it, Fox.
431
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:56,071
That's not an invitation
to ruin our moment
432
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:58,446
to expand your media empire.
433
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:02,917
Son of Zorn.
434
00:20:02,985 --> 00:20:04,785
Ha.
435
00:20:23,489 --> 00:20:25,222
I'd like to thank you all
for coming
436
00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:28,992
to honor the memory
of my beloved wife, Jess...
437
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,594
Uh...
438
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:33,798
I'm sorry, I'm just realizing
I never caught her last name.
439
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:35,477
Schlotz.
Yikes.
440
00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:36,934
It was my husband's name.
441
00:20:37,002 --> 00:20:38,101
What's your maiden name?
442
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,314
Borgwort.
443
00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:40,938
That's also bad.
444
00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:43,273
Look, all I want to say is...
445
00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:45,776
I always knew
this day was coming.
446
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:47,745
But what I didn't know was...
447
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:50,180
just how much
I was gonna miss Jess.
448
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,416
I would give anything
449
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,618
if she were still here with me.
450
00:20:56,522 --> 00:20:57,788
I'm okay.
451
00:20:57,856 --> 00:20:59,657
It's a miracle!
32252
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