All language subtitles for Gomer Pyle U S M C S05E11 Gomer the Perfect MP 1080p BluRay FLAC2 0 H 264-BTN_track5_[eng]

[marching band plays]

[male announcer] Gomer Pyle, USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank Sutton
as Sergeant Carter.

This is one job I don't care for.
I don't care for it at all.

Ah, come on, it ain't so bad.

Even when I was in the fourth grade
and Miss Thompson used to leave the room

and make me class monitor, all the kids
would start throwing erasers and things,

and I was supposed to report them,
I never could.

I'd just run around the room
fast as I could and pick up everything.

Then when Miss Thompson would come back,
everything would be real neat

and she'd always wonder
why I was out of breath.

Gomer, you're a pussycat.

No, I just don't like being
in a position of authority.

Well, like it or not, it's our platoon's
turn again and we gotta do it.

Okay, you people,
we're all ready to shove off. We all set?

Straighten that armband, Fletcher.

All right, now, you've all done this
before, so you know what to look out for.

If anybody gets out of line,
you put them on report.

Or if it's serious,
you slap them in the brig.

What's confusing about that, Pyle?

Sergeant, the regulation book says
if they've got an explanation,

we're supposed to listen to it.

That's right, you listen to them.

Then you slap them in the brig.
All right, let's move.

- Sergeant?
- What?

Before we slap them in the brig, ain't we
supposed to be sure that they're guilty?

Naturally.

You only arrest a guy if he's doing
something wrong. Now, come on.

Well, suppose it looks like he's doing
something wrong, but he ain't.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, you know how it is, Sergeant.

Sometimes when there's a fight,
the fella throwing the punches

might just be defending hisself,

and the fella on the ground
might be the one that started it.

Then you haul them both in
and let the OD decide.

Your job is to clear the streets
of trouble. Now, let's move!

Sergeant, do we use handcuffs?

If you can't control them any other way,

yes, you use handcuffs.

You use whatever equipment is necessary.

The important thing is
to stay on top of everything

and do it quickly and without fuss.

We don't wanna draw
any unnecessary attention,

especially on a day like today.

It's Saturday afternoon and there's always
a little trouble in town...

- Sergeant?
- What is it now, Pyle?! What?! What?!

I hate to interrupt you,
but I'm afraid we're gonna be late.

Don't you think we ought to get going?

[Carter whimpers]

[Carter grunts]

Derzansky, Pyle, this is your post.

This whole street from the Bijou Theatre,
all the way around to Tony's restaurant.

Now, Derzansky,
I've got confidence in you.

You've got a level head,
you're on the ball,

and I can trust you
to handle any situation.

That's why I'm putting you with Pyle.
I believe in teaming up opposites.

Well, don't worry, Sergeant,
I'll do my part.

You've got no idea
how that don't comfort me.

Now, you just stay on your toes
and keep an eye on things.

- Yes, sir.
- Derzansky, you keep an eye on Pyle.

And if anything comes up that you two
can't handle yourselves,

just blow your whistles, I won't be far.
Okay, men, let's go.

[whistle blows]

- What is it, Pyle?
- Well, I was just testing out my whistle.

It's got a nice, clear sound to it,
hasn't it, Sergeant?

Them peas inside must be brand new.

Tsk!

- Come on!
- What's the trouble, Officer?

He just can't handle the sauce. A couple
of drinks, he starts swinging at people.

A night in the cooler
will straighten him out.

- Well, ain't that a shame?
- Yeah. Come on, let's keep moving.

Just a minute, Ben. Hey, fellas.

Uh, are you all planning on
going in this bar?

- Yeah, we were thinking about it.
- You mean to have a couple of drinks, too?

- Yeah, we were thinking about that, too.
- Before you do, I'd like to say something.

If you're looking for pleasure
and relaxation,

there's plenty other ways to find it.

Why, there's a real good movie on
down here at the Bijou,

a nice family picture. It's all about
this boy and a mountain lion.

And it's guaranteed to give you
two hours of fine entertainment.

But if you go in this bar
and have a couple of drinks,

why, you might get in a fight
and all kinds of trouble.

So just think a minute. Just stop
and think a minute before you go in there.

Okay, we've thought about it.

You didn't really think
that was gonna work, did you?

Well, I had to try, Ben. Part of our job
is to prevent trouble, ain't it?

Come on, Gomer.

Wonder what this guy's doing.

Hold it, Private. Where's your cap?

- I don't have it.
- You don't? Well, here's number one.

Well, wait a minute, Ben.
Before we put him on report,

you ought to give him a chance to explain.
Do you have an explanation?

Uh, yeah, sure. It was stolen.

See?
If it was stolen, it sure ain't his fault.

Ah, come on, Gomer,
you're not gonna buy that, are you?

Look, fella,
we're not just out of boot camp.

We know a phony story when we hear one.
Who goes around stealing caps?

Well, uh...

Well, it could've been a cap snatcher
in the neighborhood.

Maybe he was stealing them
and selling them to surplus stores.

- Yeah, that's it. It was a cap snatcher.
- Yeah? What did he look like?

Well, I didn't see him. He came up behind
me, snatched my cap and he was gone.

- See there?
- Look, I'm sorry.

Why don't you just get on back to the base
real quick like.

Sure, I'll do that. Thanks a lot, fellas.

I don't know. I still think
we should've put him on report.

- Pyle! Derzansky!
- Well, hey, Sergeant.

That Marine that just walked by
without his cap.

- You put him on report, didn't you?
- Uh, no, we didn't, Sergeant.

- What?
- I was the one that let him go, Sergeant,

- on account of he had an explanation.
- Yeah? What was the explanation?

- He was the victim of a cap snatcher.
- What?

Pyle, anybody out of uniform, you put them
on report, no questions asked!

- I'm sorry, Sergeant.
- You know what could happen?

Right now, Lieutenant Anderson
might pass that guy on the street,

see he's out of uniform
and ask him was he stopped by any MPs.

And he'll say, "Yes, I was stopped,
but the tall, dumb-looking one let me go."

Who do you think Lieutenant Anderson's
going to chew out? You? No. Me!

I don't think there's a chance
of Lieutenant Anderson

seeing him on the street. The private said
he was heading straight back to the base.

You'd better be right, Pyle!
You'd just better be right!

- [man] Sergeant Carter!
- Yes, sir!

Sergeant, this Marine is out of uniform.
Now, how did he slip through your men?

Excuse me, sir.
He was on his way back to the base.

No, he wasn't, he was on his way
into the Kit Kat Klub.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. You promised.

Let's get with it, boys.

- Put this man on report!
- I sure will, Sergeant.

No! You do it, Derzansky. Come here, Pyle.

Look, you'd better straighten out
right now.

If you get me in any more hot water
with the Lieutenant,

you'll be sorry you were born.
I'm sorry already.

When a man's out of uniform,
he's out of uniform!

And you don't ask any questions
or listen to any phony explanations.

- You got that?
- Yes, sir.

Okay, now get with it.

MP. In your case,
that stands for Mary Poppins!

- Here comes one with his shirt unbuttoned.
- Ben, let me handle this one.

- Now, look, Gomer...
- This time I'll be firm. Please let me.

Excuse us, ma'am.
Private, your shirt's unbuttoned.

Would you please button it?
Regulations, ma'am.

Oh, well, the button's gone.
It must have dropped off.

Well, I'm sorry as I can be,

but there's no excuse for being
out of uniform. No excuse at all.

You could get in all kinds of trouble
wandering around like that.

- But I don't...
- Now, you don't argue with an MP.

You just come along with me.
Would you excuse me, ma'am?

- You just come right on over here.
- Look, it's only a button.

- Why not give me a break?
- Now, I told you not to argue with me.

The best way to avoid trouble is just to
prevent it from ever getting started.

Now, that's why I always take around with
me a needle and a thread and some buttons.

I've also got some spare tie clips

and some extra razor blades
in case you need a shave.

Stop!

Find me Sergeant Carter right away!

Gomer, you're gonna get us
into big trouble.

We're supposed to be MPs,
not the Ladies' Aid Society.

Well, I don't see anything wrong
with helping a Marine in distress.

Yeah, but sewing on a button
in the middle of a street?

- You say so?
- Yeah?

Oh, no!

Okay! Okay! Break it up!

Maybe you guys wanna settle this
in the brig. It's all right with me.

I don't think that's necessary, Ben.
They just need setting straight.

- No, Gomer, they're going to the brig.
- I think I can smooth this whole thing out

without taking drastic measures
if you just give me a minute.

- Gomer...
- Please!

Now, fellas, what you all were just doing

is the worst thing two servicemen can do
when they come to town.

How do you think that looks
to those civilians?

When you get a pass to come into town,
well, that's a privilege,

and that's a privilege you got to respect.

So you've got to be on your best behavior
at all times.

Let's run them in.
They'll get the message.

They're both grown up, Ben. I think
they can understand what I'm saying.

Now, you two fellas shake hands
and be friends.

Come on now, shake hands. Come on!

Now, that's a lot better.

Now, promise me
there won't be any more trouble.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, yeah.

See there? That's a whole lot better.

Imagine two men in the same arm
of the service fighting.

Well, so long, fellas,
and y'all be good now.

See? We straightened that out. And we
did it without having to arrest them.

- Pyle!
- Well, hey, Sergeant!

What's going on?
Lieutenant Anderson just blasted me again.

Is it true, Pyle?
You sewed a button on a Marine's shirt?

- Yes, it's part of our prevention policy.
- Huh?

A stitch in time saves nine.

An ounce of prevention
is worth a pound of cure.

It not only helped that Marine with
the missing button keep out of trouble,

but not more than a few seconds ago,
we prevented a fight

between a sailor and a Marine.
We just reasoned with them

and they seen the error of their ways.

- All right, you two, come on!
- Break it up!

Knock it off! Come on, knock it off!

Hold it!
Sergeant, get these men off the streets!

- Put them in the Jeep, we'll take them in.
- Yes, sir. Come on.

Come on, move it.

It's my fault, Lieutenant. We caught those
two shoving each other a few minutes ago.

Well, why didn't you arrest them
on the spot?

Well, I reasoned with them
and they shook hands

and promised me
they wouldn't fight any more.

Sergeant.

Yes, sir?

You do something about this man
or I'll do something about you.

- Got that?
- Yes, sir.

Carry on.

Pyle, I hate you.

I know you don't do these things
on purpose,

and you really mean well, but I hate you.

I don't know what I'm gonna do
about you yet,

but for openers, Pyle,
turn in your sewing kit,

you're through as an MP!

Okay, Stevens, you're relieved.
Come on, Pyle!

Pyle, this is your post
for the next four hours.

- Yes, Sergeant. Don't worry, this time...
- Don't talk, just listen!

So far, it's been May Day
all the way with you.

I've got the Lieutenant breathing down
my neck, you got Derzansky in trouble

and you let down the platoon.

I ought to confine you to barracks,
but I'm short a man.

I'm putting you on this back gate because
it's the simplest job in the world.

All you gotta do
is see that nobody gets through

without showing their identification card.

A machine could do it, maybe even you can.

Now remember, nobody gets in
without their ID, but nobody.

And no exceptions. And you don't listen
to any hard luck stories.

You go strictly by the book. Got it?

- Yes, sir.
- Say it!

Nobody gets in without their ID,
but nobody.

And I don't listen to any hard luck
stories. I go strictly by the book.

That's right. The colonel doesn't even
get in without his ID.

- The colonel?
- The colonel!

Until you make positive identification,
he's not the colonel.

He could be someone
who looks like the colonel.

You know, that's right.

They say for every person in this world,
there's an exact double.

If there's another like you, Pyle,

I hope he doesn't join the Marines.

Now, look, I've got a couple hours off,
so I'm taking Bunny out to dinner.

I really shouldn't be leaving the base,

I should stay here and watch you
like a hawk, but I promised her.

Oh, don't worry, Sergeant.
I won't make any mistakes this time.

Oh, how the bookies in Las Vegas
would like to get in on that.

Now, look, Pyle,
you'd better not blow this one!

I don't wanna get any emergency call
to come running back here, is that clear?

- Yes, sir.
- Okay, say it.

- Huh?
- What you're supposed to do!

[sighs] Nobody gets in
without their ID, but nobody.

And I don't listen to any hard luck
stories. I go strictly by the book.

Okay. Keep saying it.

Nobody gets in without their ID,
but nobody.

I don't listen to any hard luck stories.
I go strictly by the book.

Nobody gets in without their ID,
but nobody.

And I don't listen to any hard luck
stories. I go strictly by the book!

The Wienerburger?

This is where you're taking me for dinner?

Yeah! The food's great here!

Besides, it's right on the beach
and it's convenient.

You know I don't have much time,
so I figured we'd grab a quick bite

and we'd be right here to sit and watch
the moon, the ocean,

and... you know what I mean.

[chuckles] I know what you mean.

A cheap evening, that's what you mean!

I thought we were going to
a seafood place.

Well, it's by the sea and it's food.
Get it?

[laughs] I just made that up.

I'm not in the mood for hamburgers.

Hot dogs? And that's your last choice.
That's their menu.

Aw, come on, Bun.
I got stuck with this MP duty

and I've only got two hours
between shifts.

- Oh, all right. I'll have a hamburger.
- Good.

With lots of onions.

- Okay, without.
- That's my girl.

Oh, no.

- What's the matter?
- My wallet. I don't have it.

- Oh?
- I must have forgot it.

I guess I was so upset with Pyle all day,
I wasn't thinking.

Sure. Just like the last few times
you forgot your wallet.

And guess who wound up paying the bill.

Well, I didn't leave it on purpose,
if that's what you're driving at.

- I just plain forgot it.
- Well, then, if you just plain forgot it,

let's just plain go back to the base
and get it.

All the way back there
just to get money for hamburgers?

- Can't you lay it out?
- Vince, I don't have it!

- Nothing?
- Not a cent. See?

- How about a credit card?
- Sorry.

Look, why don't we just skip dinner?

Food's rotten here anyway.

I'm hungry and I'm not looking at the moon
until I eat!

Okay, okay, I'll go get my wallet!

- [engine starts]
- "I'm hungry! I'm hungry!"

Like it would kill you to pass up a meal!

Good evening, Colonel Gray.
May I see your ID, please?

Of course.

Thank you, sir.
It's a nice, warm evening, ain't it?

Yes, it is. I just went into town
to get my wife some ice cream.

I'm sorry to have to do this, but
Sergeant Carter told me to be real careful

of everybody that comes through,
and he said no exceptions.

He said, "Even if the colonel comes
through," he says, "you check his ID.,

'cause he ain't officially the colonel
until he's been identified."

And that's just what I'm doing.

Even though I know it's you,
I'm just double-checking to be sure.

- I'm double-checking everybody.
- Very good, Pyle.

- Glad to see you're conscientious.
- Thank you, sir.

Colonel, did you happen to get
the Raspberry Ripple?

- The what?
- The ice cream.

Did you happen to get
the Raspberry Ripple?

Oh, uh, no. I got the Rocky Road Fudge.

Oh, well, that's real good, too.
I used to eat that all the time.

Only thing was, those little nuts
used to get down there

between my molar and my wisdom tooth.

- It used to just...
- Pyle...

- Yes, sir?
- Is everything in order?

Oh, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

- And Colonel?
- What is it, Pyle?

You'd better hurry home
with that ice cream.

It's beginning to seep through
the bottom of that paper bag.

Well, hey, Sergeant Carter, Miss Bunny.
What you doing back here?

I forgot my wallet.
I gotta go back in and get it.

- Sergeant Carter?
- Huh?

- May I see your ID, please?
- How can I show you my ID?

Didn't you listen?
I don't have my wallet, dumbbell!

Well, I'm sorry, but nobody's
allowed in without their ID.

Well, he left it in the duty hut, Gomer.

At least that's what he says.

Well, it's true, and as soon as I get it,
I'll show you my ID.

Well, I'm sorry, Sergeant,
but I'm just going by the book,

and the book says nobody gets in
without an ID, but nobody.

- Pyle, who am I?
- Sergeant Carter.

- And who is this?
- Miss Bunny.

Okay, then you've identified us.
Let us through.

Sorry again, Sergeant,
but you ain't officially Sergeant Carter

- until I see your ID.
- Pyle, let me in, and that's an order!

I can't, sir. I've already gotten orders.

You give them to me.
You want to hear them?

- Nobody gets in without a...
- Hold it!

If I'm the one who gave them to you,
then I must be me, right?

Well, that makes a lot of sense,
and chances are you are you,

but there's a slight chance that you may
be somebody that just looks like you.

Pyle, you're doing a good job,
a real good job.

You're a perfect MP,
and tomorrow, I'll congratulate you,

but right now, let me in!

Yes, sir,
just as soon as you show me your ID.

- Pyle!
- This could be a trick.

You might be doing this just to make me
let you go through, then you'd yell at me.

It's not a trick.

[yells] And I won't yell at you!

Well, I'm sorry, Sergeant,
but I'm just going by your rules.

And they're real good rules, too.
The colonel was just through here

and he appreciated the job I was doing.

So, listen, if you don't have your ID,

then would you mind backing up,
'cause you're holding up traffic.

Would you back up there, please?

Just this way. Back up.

Come on back.

- Well, what are we gonna do now?
- Look, do you have any money at home?

- If you do, why don't we...?
- No!

- But this...
No!

- But I thought maybe...
- No! No! No!

Okay, I'll get my wallet. I'm not gonna
let that knucklehead ruin our date!

Let me think.

[clinking]

[Gomer] Sergeant Carter!

Well, I'm surprised. I'm truly surprised!

Look, Pyle, this is ridiculous!

Well, I'm only doing my job,
and you told me no exceptions.

Now you'll just have to go on
back outside. So move along.

Pyle, I haven't got much time,
and Bunny's sitting out there steaming.

I've only got another hour!

Well, you told me not to listen
to any hard luck stories, remember?

No hard luck stories!

- PX employee.
- Yes, ma'am, go right in.

I'm sorry, Sergeant,
but you just can't get in without an ID.

[Carter whimpers]

Good evening, sir. May I see your ID?

Thank you, sir.

[high-pitched] PX employee.

- Go right on in, ma'am.
- Mm-hm.

[whistle blows]

Well, shame, shame, shame!

[Carter grunts angrily]

What's all this?

Lieutenant, you won't believe this, but I
had to place Sergeant Carter under arrest.

- What?!
- I was on guard duty at the back gate

and Sergeant Carter drove up
and wanted to pass through,

and he didn't have his ID.
He said he'd left it back at the duty hut.

You're bringing him in for that?

No, not on account of that.
After I told him he couldn't come in,

he tried to sneak in under the fence.

- Go on, Pyle.
- Well, I just made him go back out again.

I brought him in, though,
for what he did after that.

What did he do?

Well, sir... [sighs]

[mumbles] He tried to sneak in
dressed like a lady.

- What's that?
- He tried to sneak in dressed like a lady.

Dressed like a lady? The whole get-up?

Well, no, not everything.

He had on a lady's coat and a bandana

and some high-heeled shoes
and he carried a purse.

I see. In other words,
he tried every trick in the book,

- and yet you didn't let him in.
- No, sir.

And all the time, you knew it was Sergeant
Carter, your own platoon sergeant?

Yes, sir.

Good, Private. Very good.
Congratulations, Sergeant.

- Sir?
- That was a terrific exercise.

There's no better way
to keep the men alert

than to keep testing their awareness.

And using a disguise like that,
well, it was very ingenious.

Uh... yes, sir.

I was just seeing
if I could catch them off guard.

- I do that once in a while.
- [Anderson] Good idea.

And congratulations to you, Private,
for not being fooled.

- You handled the situation perfectly.
- Well, thank you, sir.

Very well. You can go back to your post
now since the, uh, case is dismissed.

- Yes, sir!
- Keep up the pressure, Sergeant.

- I certainly will, sir.
- Carry on.

Well, I'll be dogged.
So this whole thing was just a test.

- Yeah, Pyle.
- I had an idea it might be a trick.

You know, I told you,
"This might be a trick."

- Yeah, yeah.
- Well, I'm glad I didn't fall for it.

I didn't let you down, did I, Sergeant?

No, Pyle, you were brilliant.

I think it's just wonderful how you keep
coming up with these ideas

to keep us on our toes.
Why, even having Miss Bunny here

so's it'd look like the real thing. This
is genius, Sergeant, just pure genius!

Yeah, Pyle, yeah.

Okay, Eddie, I'll relieve you now.

Oh, Sergeant, your lady friend
asked me to call a cab for her.

- She's gone?
- Yeah. She left about five minutes ago.

- Said something about being hungry.
- Oh, brother!

Well, thanks a lot for taking over for me,
Eddie. I really appreciate it.

- All right, Gome. Good night.
- Good night.

- Thanks again.
- [car engine starts]

- Just a minute, Sergeant.
- Huh?

- Could I see your ID?
- Pyle, you know I haven't got my ID!

I haven't been back to the barracks yet!

Sergeant, you are the one!

Just when I thought you couldn't come up
with a test better than the last one,

you come up with an even trickier one.

That's just genius, Sergeant.
That's just pure genius!

Look, Bunny, I told you, I'll handle it.

I'll go to the cab driver's garage,

give him the money for the fare
and get your watch back.

Huh? Okay, so I'll get your coat cleaned
and buy you a new pair of shoes.

Now, how about tonight?

What?

Are you crazy? That's the most expensive
restaurant in town!

That's going a little too far,
Bunny, a little too far!

I ain't about to stand for...
Hello? Hello?

- Sergeant Carter?
- Right, Sergeant,

I'll pick up them papers
first thing tomorrow morning.

- Good afternoon, sir.
- Afternoon. How's everything today?

Everything under control, sir,
no problems.

Good. Did you put Private Pyle
back on duty in town?

- Yes, sir.
- Fine.

I'm glad to see you're giving him
another chance.

- He's on his toes, that boy.
- Yes, sir.

I must say, I had some serious doubts
about him in the beginning,

but he's come through with flying colors.

I guess it takes some men a while
to get the hang of things.

He is a slow starter, sir.

- Sergeant Carter?
- What's going on, Pyle?

Well, Derzansky had to come back here to
the base with the corporal of the guard,

and while I was waiting on him,
this little fella come up

and wanted to see how my handcuffs worked.

You know how curious kids are.

So while I was demonstrating to him
how they work,

they accidentally shut to,
and I must have lost the key,

'cause I can't find it anywhere.

- Put him back on the gate, Lieutenant?
- Definitely, Sergeant.