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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:08,307
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,910
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:15,047
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:18,350
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:21,569
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,638 --> 00:00:23,366
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:23,390 --> 00:00:24,990
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:29,928
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:37,051
It's that time of year again.
11
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,560
Are you a New England dirtbag
who wants to run with bulls,
12
00:00:39,590 --> 00:00:41,589
but thinks Spain is gay?
13
00:00:41,658 --> 00:00:43,959
Then don't miss
the Seriously Wicked Bull Run
14
00:00:44,027 --> 00:00:45,527
in South Attleboro, Mass!
15
00:00:45,595 --> 00:00:48,113
You and your friends can run
from a bunch of live bulls,
16
00:00:48,165 --> 00:00:51,010
and lots of times,there's a chickwhose boob comes out.
17
00:00:51,034 --> 00:00:53,074
Order your tickets
before it's too late!
18
00:00:56,073 --> 00:00:57,155
Toilets limited.
19
00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,169
Wow, that seems pretty cool.
20
00:00:59,193 --> 00:01:01,193
Ugh, I don't know.
Seems pretty lame to me.
21
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,295
Yeah, waste of time.
I agree.
22
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:04,862
Hey, Joe, isn't this your round?
23
00:01:04,931 --> 00:01:07,277
Sure. I'll wheel over
to the bar and bring back
your beers
24
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,612
one by one in my lap.
25
00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:11,503
You guys, we are so
doing that bull run.
26
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,249
Buying the tickets as we speak!
27
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:14,339
But we can't tell Joe.
28
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,918
Of course not,
he'll be dead weight.
29
00:01:15,942 --> 00:01:18,020
You can't do a bull run
with a guy in a wheelchair.
30
00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:20,128
Yeah, this is for athletes.
31
00:01:26,436 --> 00:01:28,476
Just the regular wash, please.
32
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:31,451
And I'm supposed to
mention that I saw you
on LivingSocial?
33
00:01:31,475 --> 00:01:32,552
Was that worth it?
34
00:01:32,576 --> 00:01:34,521
Was that worth the $1 you saved?
35
00:01:34,545 --> 00:01:36,978
I'm sorry, we're not doing
that promotion anymore.
36
00:01:37,047 --> 00:01:39,314
Oh, all the humiliation,
37
00:01:39,383 --> 00:01:40,882
none of the reward.
38
00:01:45,288 --> 00:01:48,089
You know, some people
are okay with
the drive-through car wash.
39
00:01:48,158 --> 00:01:50,136
Me, I'm a fan of the hand job.
40
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:51,237
Hi, I'm Brian.
41
00:01:51,261 --> 00:01:52,839
Yes, I like to have
fun with language.
42
00:01:53,964 --> 00:01:54,964
You're so funny.
43
00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:56,531
I'm Tori.
44
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,133
I got hit by
a car in high school,
so I don't have to work.
45
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,348
Cool. Hey, so what's
your afternoon like?
46
00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:02,637
I don't have plans.
47
00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:05,257
Maybe we could grab lunch
and then see what happens.
48
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:07,692
Ugh. This will not end well.
49
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,544
Like eating an artichoke.
50
00:02:09,613 --> 00:02:10,979
Good Lord!
51
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:13,782
I ate nothing,
and I'm soaking
wet for some reason.
52
00:02:17,754 --> 00:02:19,866
So, you guys
all pumped to run
with the bulls?
53
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:23,658
You bet, this is
gonna be my first exercise
since I chased that balloon.
54
00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:24,826
Hey, what's going on?
55
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,260
Hey, Joe.
56
00:02:26,329 --> 00:02:28,563
We are competing
57
00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:32,100
in the international
Chef Boyardee
look-alike contest.
58
00:02:32,168 --> 00:02:33,768
Oh. Well, where's
your chef hat?
59
00:02:33,837 --> 00:02:35,136
You guys are gonna lose.
60
00:02:35,205 --> 00:02:36,838
Especially Cleveland.
61
00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:39,518
He's in the Cream
of Wheat competition,
which is down the street.
62
00:02:39,542 --> 00:02:40,987
We gotta go now.
We're very late.
63
00:02:41,011 --> 00:02:43,778
Well, this is funny, because...
64
00:02:43,847 --> 00:02:45,180
Guess where I'm going.
65
00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:46,348
And I got the hat.
66
00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:47,749
You guys are dead!
67
00:02:47,818 --> 00:02:49,851
Look, Joe.
68
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,297
We didn't wanna tell you,
69
00:02:51,321 --> 00:02:53,399
but we're going
to the Seriously
Wicked Bull Run.
70
00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:56,302
We didn't invite you
because we didn't think
you could keep up.
71
00:02:56,326 --> 00:02:59,661
Yeah, we thought
it seemed too
dangerous for, uh,
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00:02:59,729 --> 00:03:02,898
incapacitated, half-man,
shrivel-legged gimps.
73
00:03:02,966 --> 00:03:04,711
And we didn't wanna
hurt your feelings.
74
00:03:04,735 --> 00:03:07,068
Come on, my handicap
has never held me back.
75
00:03:07,137 --> 00:03:08,536
I'm coming with you guys.
76
00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,239
Joe, you peed in your bag
while you said that.
77
00:03:11,308 --> 00:03:13,541
Can you honestly say
that you didn't pee
78
00:03:13,611 --> 00:03:15,944
just now while you were talking?
79
00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,196
Okay, you can come.
80
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:25,203
Wow. That was amazing.
81
00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:26,371
Hey, just to be clear,
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00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,973
I don't really think
you're a whore.
83
00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:31,276
I just need to say that,
you know, to finish.
84
00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:32,989
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
85
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,291
And obviously,
I don't think
you're my Uncle Dale.
86
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:36,514
Good, good, same page.
87
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,829
Oh, crap,
my husband's
home early.
88
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,093
Wait a minute, you're married?
89
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:42,353
And he's here? Now?
90
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:44,233
Yeah, that's him.
91
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:45,468
You've gotta get out of here.
92
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:46,992
He's really jealous.
93
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,606
I think he's bitter
because he never got
the credit he deserved
94
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,390
for killing Osama bin Laden.
95
00:03:51,414 --> 00:03:53,174
Your husband's a Navy SEAL?
96
00:03:55,519 --> 00:03:57,969
What the hell
is going on here?
What is this?
97
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:03,675
You got a dog?
98
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:07,379
Uh, yeah!
I rescued him
from the pound.
99
00:04:09,032 --> 00:04:10,966
Well, hey there, buddy.
100
00:04:11,034 --> 00:04:12,714
Wow. His nose
is super wet.
101
00:04:12,769 --> 00:04:14,235
He must be healthy.
102
00:04:14,304 --> 00:04:17,572
Yup. And somebody's
been rooting
in a sardine can.
103
00:04:17,641 --> 00:04:19,307
Well, I'm gonna grab a shower.
104
00:04:19,376 --> 00:04:21,075
Great, honey.
105
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,840
Oh, my God, that was close.
106
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,208
Yeah, but think about it.
107
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:27,110
As long as he thinks
you're our new pet,
108
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:30,013
we can keep
fooling around
behind his back.
109
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,870
Huh. You're right.
110
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:33,516
Oh, this could be
an even better scam
111
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:35,440
than that claw machine
at the arcade.
112
00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:38,788
Damn it, this game is so stupid!
113
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,991
It's impossible
to do anything with
a dumb, crappy claw!
114
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:45,550
Hey, that's mean,
and it's not even true!
I'm leaving!
115
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,552
Dang it!
116
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,452
You need
a little help?
No!
117
00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:58,774
If you could angle up the ring,
118
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:01,038
then I could kind of hook it.
119
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,204
How do you drive?
120
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:07,539
Bad!
121
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,508
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
122
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,396
We clearly overdressed.
123
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,654
They have the type
of fat white woman here
124
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:25,223
that not even I am
interested in.
125
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:28,088
Ladies,gentlemen, and alternativehigh school graduates,
126
00:05:28,112 --> 00:05:30,328
get ready to run for your lives!
127
00:05:38,221 --> 00:05:40,254
Ah! I shouldn't have
worn high heels!
128
00:05:40,323 --> 00:05:41,834
Oh, stop it!
You look great.
129
00:05:41,858 --> 00:05:44,158
Oh, well, I didn't want
all this attention.
130
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:49,192
Cleveland,why do you let themtalk you into these things?
131
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,650
This is how people-pleasers die!
132
00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:54,497
Hey, guys, after this,
let's beat alligators
with sticks or something.
133
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,020
You read my mind!
134
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,073
We just talked about this!
135
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:03,562
Whoo! This is amazing!
I told you guys
I could do it!
136
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:26,117
Look out,
137
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:28,786
Joe!
138
00:07:08,946 --> 00:07:10,178
Joe, oh, my God!
139
00:07:11,314 --> 00:07:12,564
You all right?
140
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:15,166
I can't feel anything
below my neck!
141
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:17,285
I can't move a muscle, guys!
142
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:18,398
Oh, my God!
143
00:07:18,422 --> 00:07:20,755
Joe's completely paralyzed!
144
00:07:20,824 --> 00:07:23,157
♪ Walk like a man... ♪
145
00:07:23,227 --> 00:07:25,427
Oh, that's me.
That's unfortunate.
146
00:07:25,495 --> 00:07:26,739
That's Lois, hold on.
147
00:07:26,763 --> 00:07:28,162
Hey, babe.
148
00:07:28,232 --> 00:07:30,465
Uh, good.
Little hiccup, but fun.
149
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:41,893
You guys!
150
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,306
I've been trying
to keep my birthday
a secret.
151
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,575
No, Dr. Hartman,
we're not here
for your birthday.
152
00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:47,849
We're here for Joe.
153
00:07:47,917 --> 00:07:50,401
Don't sugarcoat it, Doc.
Just give it to me straight.
154
00:07:50,453 --> 00:07:53,032
Well, Mr. Swanson,
I did an exploratory
procedure,
155
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,818
which revealed extensive damage.
156
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,908
Please, just tell me,
am I completely paralyzed?
157
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,410
I'm afraid
158
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,480
of ghosts.
159
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:01,580
And yes.
160
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,615
Mr. Swanson has
lost all movement,
161
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,762
and will require
around-the-clock care.
162
00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:07,118
Most of it disgusting.
163
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,788
Oh, my God,
Bonnie, I'm so sorry.
164
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,534
If there's anything I can do...
165
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:12,824
There actually is.
166
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,793
Could you collect
my mail forever?
167
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,962
I'm leaving Joe
and moving to Europe.
168
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,830
I didn't sign up for this.
169
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,132
Bonnie, wait!
God, this is awful.
170
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,751
What am I gonna do?
171
00:08:22,819 --> 00:08:25,131
Well, seems like
you folks have this
all taken care of.
172
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:27,333
Surprise!
173
00:08:27,357 --> 00:08:29,369
Oh, you guys!
174
00:08:29,393 --> 00:08:30,903
Hey, don't go in
that room back there.
175
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,810
It's, like, super sad.
176
00:08:38,201 --> 00:08:40,969
Coming up, quintuplets born
at Quahog General.
177
00:08:42,171 --> 00:08:43,337
What? That's...
178
00:08:43,406 --> 00:08:45,417
Oh, that's supposed
to be "burn"? Oh!
179
00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:47,875
Coming up, quintuplets burn
at Quahog General.
180
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:52,264
Hey, honey, get in here.
181
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,344
Check this out,
the way he's sitting.
182
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,779
It looks like
the dog's watching
the news.
183
00:08:56,803 --> 00:09:00,005
You like watching
the news,
you dumb dog?
184
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,774
Well, I'm off to do
what former Navy SEALs do,
185
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:04,175
sell lawnmowers.
186
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,512
Wow. He really
has no idea.
187
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:09,614
Hey, wanna take
a shower with me?
188
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:10,965
Sure.
189
00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:12,712
Man, this is a pretty sweet gig.
190
00:09:12,736 --> 00:09:14,986
Like being
a member of Daft Punk.
191
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,988
Look at this old Casio keyboard
192
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,257
from the 1980s
that I have found.
193
00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:21,793
Watch what happens
when I push this
demo button.
194
00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:26,931
Hello, Daft Punk?
195
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,112
Great song.
Here's a Grammy.
196
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:31,803
You know, is funny.
197
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:35,352
Until you spoke,
I did not know
we were French!
198
00:09:38,528 --> 00:09:40,761
There you go, Joe.
All settled.
199
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,476
Now, which wall
would you like to look at
for the rest of your life?
200
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,933
I don't know, maybe that one.
201
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,980
I have no idea what
you're pointing at, Joe.
202
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,382
You gotta meet us halfway.
203
00:09:49,406 --> 00:09:51,183
Look, guys,
I don't wanna be
a burden to anyone.
204
00:09:51,207 --> 00:09:54,375
You go ahead and
live your lives.
I'll be fine.
205
00:09:54,444 --> 00:09:56,122
We can't just leave you, Joe.
206
00:09:56,146 --> 00:09:59,026
So before we go,
I'm gonna put the remote
in your mouth.
207
00:09:59,515 --> 00:10:01,015
Here's a can of chili.
208
00:10:01,084 --> 00:10:03,852
And the opener
we'll put in your mouth.
209
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,132
And here's a magazine
I thought you
might like to read.
210
00:10:06,156 --> 00:10:08,000
I'm gonna put it in your mouth.
211
00:10:09,425 --> 00:10:10,920
You're a good friend, Peter.
212
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,056
Joe, I just wish
we could do more,
213
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,280
but obviously
your mouth is full.
214
00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:18,127
And you probably don't want
any reminders of Bonnie
around the house,
215
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,296
so, I cleared out
all of her underwear.
216
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,564
Okay, don't be a stranger.
217
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:23,954
Yeah, 'cause we're not
supposed to talk to those.
218
00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:26,001
I don't know,
I'm not sure
I feel right
219
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:27,592
about leaving Joe.
220
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:30,439
Doesn't seem like
he's gonna be able to
take care of himself.
221
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,708
Yeah, we're...
We're kind of
all he has now.
222
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:34,377
What? Joe?
What are you
talking about?
223
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:35,433
He's fine.
224
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:39,815
Look, he's already
watching The PriceIs Right in there.
225
00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:42,907
Oh, he's biting too hard
on the volume.
226
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,891
Okay, you can play
over there in
the sandbox, honey.
227
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,715
Mommy's just
gonna read her book.
228
00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:52,695
Okay, I'm just gonna
walk 30 feet away,
229
00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:55,181
and then panic
because I can't
see you.
230
00:10:55,205 --> 00:10:57,116
Can you fit me in
at 10:00 tomorrow?
231
00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:58,984
It's getting
a little long
on the sides.
232
00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:01,276
Brian? What are you
doing on a leash?
233
00:11:01,344 --> 00:11:03,278
And, who's that?
Shh. Be cool.
234
00:11:03,346 --> 00:11:04,990
This is the guy
whose wife I'm banging.
235
00:11:05,014 --> 00:11:06,480
Oh, what a romantic
way to put it.
236
00:11:06,549 --> 00:11:07,799
Yeah, it's great.
237
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,411
I just pretend to be their dog,
238
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:10,880
and then when he
leaves for work,
239
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:14,155
I get to go to the pound,
if you know what I mean.
240
00:11:14,223 --> 00:11:16,491
God, Brian, you are
such a scumbag.
241
00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:18,526
I can't believe you...
Mommy! Mommy!
242
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:21,206
Where's my Mommy?
I have no one
and nothing!
243
00:11:21,230 --> 00:11:22,797
I'm right here, honey.
244
00:11:22,865 --> 00:11:24,365
Oh, thank God.
245
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,333
She's such a gross hog.
246
00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:32,435
Joe, you can't just sit here.
247
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,499
You need intellectual
stimulation.
248
00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:36,539
So I brought
something to
read to you.
249
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:39,614
It's the word search
from the Sunday circular.
250
00:11:39,682 --> 00:11:43,151
"Kangaroo." Let's see
if we can find that one.
251
00:11:43,219 --> 00:11:46,787
"Outback." I think
it's an Australian theme.
252
00:11:46,856 --> 00:11:49,257
"Koala."
It definitely is.
253
00:11:49,325 --> 00:11:50,769
Can't make out this one.
254
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:54,362
"Abor... Aborgine...
Aborgina?"
255
00:11:54,430 --> 00:11:56,575
That's what they call
eggplant down there.
256
00:11:56,599 --> 00:11:59,879
You know what?
Forget this. I'll just
read to you from Jet.
257
00:12:00,436 --> 00:12:01,935
Look, this whole page
258
00:12:02,004 --> 00:12:04,617
is all the Wayans
brothers sitting in
different positions.
259
00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:07,186
How you suppose
they come up with
all them positions?
260
00:12:07,210 --> 00:12:08,754
You could give me
a million years.
261
00:12:08,778 --> 00:12:10,556
I just ain't wired that way.
262
00:12:10,580 --> 00:12:12,158
Marlon's like a rubber man.
263
00:12:12,182 --> 00:12:13,792
He can sit in any kind of way.
264
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:16,595
Here's Keenen telling
the younger ones
how to sit.
265
00:12:16,619 --> 00:12:17,863
Like they gonna listen.
266
00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:19,632
Damon's doing his own thing.
267
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,889
No surprise there.
That's Damon.
268
00:12:21,957 --> 00:12:23,602
You enjoying all this, Joe?
269
00:12:23,626 --> 00:12:26,911
I'm honestly just glad
it seems like you have
something you like.
270
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,995
All right, Joe, you can't
just stay cooped up
in the house all day.
271
00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:35,486
So, I found a fun activity
you can still enjoy.
272
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,188
Indoor skydiving.
273
00:12:39,543 --> 00:12:40,808
What does your friend weigh?
274
00:12:40,877 --> 00:12:42,077
Same as me, probably.
275
00:12:42,111 --> 00:12:44,056
I don't know, 500, 600 pounds.
276
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,780
Whoa! I better
crank it up.
277
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,448
Okay, there's a chance
he weighed less.
278
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:55,106
Man, he's up there.
Five, 10 feet at least.
279
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:56,934
You're not very good
with numbers, are you?
280
00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,076
No, sir.
281
00:12:58,144 --> 00:12:59,655
Well, he's gonna be
up there for a while.
282
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,791
What do you say I go
buy you 3,000 beers?
283
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,447
Buddy, I don't know who you are,
284
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,767
but I'm sure as hell glad
you walked in here.
285
00:13:11,241 --> 00:13:13,741
Hey, my laptop's
out of battery.
You want to have sex?
286
00:13:13,810 --> 00:13:16,511
Sure, I've almost finished
my sandwich, anyway.
287
00:13:18,915 --> 00:13:21,427
Ugh. Come on.
I don't want to
have to watch this.
288
00:13:21,451 --> 00:13:22,850
Yeah, that's right.
289
00:13:22,919 --> 00:13:26,787
I was the only one
who didn't get to
meet Biden.
290
00:13:26,856 --> 00:13:29,240
You know what? Screw this.
I'm out of here.
291
00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:34,011
Ha! Skewered.
292
00:13:36,165 --> 00:13:38,031
Hey! Where do you think
you're going?
293
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:40,902
You're my dog.
You're not going anywhere.
294
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:44,288
Besides, I need you, boy.
Now more than ever.
295
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,638
I think my wife
is cheating on me.
296
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:51,145
Hey, Tori, it's Brian.I'm gettingthe Chinese food for us.
297
00:13:51,213 --> 00:13:53,914
I think I'm gonna order
some Me Like Bang Ho.
298
00:13:53,983 --> 00:13:55,215
That's...
299
00:13:55,285 --> 00:13:57,685
That's not a real thing,
I'm talking about sex.
300
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,570
All right,
I'll be there in five.
301
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,817
Man, when I find
that son of a bitch,
302
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,241
I'm gonna rip his head off.
303
00:14:05,395 --> 00:14:06,961
God, what a nightmare.
304
00:14:07,030 --> 00:14:09,781
That guy's even scarier
than a thesaurus-asaurus.
305
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:15,269
Tread, stomp,
trudge, growl,
roar, ululate.
306
00:14:15,338 --> 00:14:17,672
Antonym... Whisper.
307
00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:18,806
What's wrong with him?
308
00:14:18,875 --> 00:14:20,753
He's on the spectrum.
Spectrum?
309
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:24,061
In my day, we'd throw him
in the army and have him
play the bugle.
310
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:30,112
Peter, this just isn't working.
311
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,303
We can't take
proper care of Joe.
312
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,783
It's a huge amount of work
and we don't have any idea
what we're doing.
313
00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:37,086
Quagmire's right.
It's too much.
314
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,553
I just think he'd be better off
315
00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:41,128
under the care of
grumpy Filipino nurses.
316
00:14:41,197 --> 00:14:42,975
Yeah, that's why
I looked into it,
317
00:14:42,999 --> 00:14:44,277
and we've reserved
a place for him
318
00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:47,669
at the State Home
for Mentals and Bastards.
319
00:14:47,737 --> 00:14:51,972
Oh, my God,
sometimes they whip 'em
with hoses outside?
320
00:14:52,041 --> 00:14:53,257
This is perfect!
321
00:15:02,084 --> 00:15:04,819
Hi, I work here.
322
00:15:04,888 --> 00:15:06,499
I don't think
this guy works here.
323
00:15:06,523 --> 00:15:07,788
Hi, can I help you?
324
00:15:07,857 --> 00:15:09,267
Yeah, this is Joe Swanson.
325
00:15:09,291 --> 00:15:11,570
We arranged for
a 9:15 dump-off?
326
00:15:11,594 --> 00:15:15,196
Go on, guys,
get out of here.
I'll be fine.
327
00:15:15,264 --> 00:15:16,842
Bye, Joe.
Take care, man.
328
00:15:16,866 --> 00:15:17,866
See you, Joe.
329
00:15:21,270 --> 00:15:22,381
Hold on, guys.
330
00:15:22,405 --> 00:15:25,907
There's one last thing
I got to say to my friend.
331
00:15:25,975 --> 00:15:27,987
Hey, Joe, you know
that movie you
told me to watch,
332
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,989
that you said
was your favorite
movie of all time,
333
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,223
and you said I had to watch it?
334
00:15:31,247 --> 00:15:33,192
Backdraft.
You finally
watched it?
335
00:15:33,216 --> 00:15:34,560
Yeah.
Wasn't it great?
336
00:15:34,584 --> 00:15:36,617
I thought it was stupid.
Take care, Joe.
337
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:47,444
You know, that state home
we left Joe in
didn't seem so bad.
338
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:48,679
Yeah, it's got to be good.
339
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,782
I mean,
Napoleon Bonaparte was there.
340
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:52,327
Would the French people
let their boss
341
00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:53,751
walk around in stained underwear
342
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:55,740
trying to stab people
if the place wasn't nice?
343
00:15:55,805 --> 00:15:57,249
Yeah, no, no,
you're right,
you're right.
344
00:15:57,273 --> 00:15:58,751
Joe will get much
better care there.
345
00:15:58,775 --> 00:16:00,240
I still feel bad.
346
00:16:00,309 --> 00:16:03,309
Come on, you guys.
Joe's gonna be fine.
He'll fit in great there.
347
00:16:03,345 --> 00:16:05,329
Not like when
I went to Hogwarts.
348
00:16:06,449 --> 00:16:08,015
Slytherin.
349
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:11,419
Hufflepuff.
350
00:16:13,356 --> 00:16:16,690
Housing for
registered
sex offenders!
351
00:16:16,759 --> 00:16:17,759
Oh...
352
00:16:25,668 --> 00:16:27,000
Oh, Tori, thank God.
353
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,047
Listen, you got
to unchain me.
Look what Vic did.
354
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,706
Tell me about it.
He's lost his mind.
355
00:16:31,774 --> 00:16:34,086
That's why I'm gonna go
stay with my mother
in Baltimore
356
00:16:34,110 --> 00:16:35,588
and work at her wife's bar.
357
00:16:35,612 --> 00:16:37,778
Wait, what?
Tori, come back!
358
00:16:37,846 --> 00:16:38,846
Damn it.
359
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,414
Wow, shocker.
360
00:16:40,483 --> 00:16:43,116
Your gross hook-up
from the car wash
ended poorly?
361
00:16:43,185 --> 00:16:45,163
Stewie, thank God!
How'd you find me?
362
00:16:45,187 --> 00:16:46,865
Well, you remember
when the vet
knocked you out
363
00:16:46,889 --> 00:16:48,355
to take out that rotten tooth?
364
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,302
He also put
a tracking chip
in your neck.
365
00:16:50,326 --> 00:16:52,571
What? That's a total
violation of my rights!
366
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:54,995
I like how
you're chained up in a yard
367
00:16:55,064 --> 00:16:56,744
and still trying to
pretend you're a guy.
368
00:16:56,799 --> 00:16:58,009
Look, you got to help me.
369
00:16:58,033 --> 00:16:59,144
Her husband's a maniac,
370
00:16:59,168 --> 00:17:00,378
and the only reason
he hasn't killed me
371
00:17:00,402 --> 00:17:02,548
is because he thinks
I'm just his pet dog.
372
00:17:02,572 --> 00:17:05,706
He's got a padlock on here.
But don't worry,
I'll figure something out.
373
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:08,253
Well, hurry, 'cause
I'm trapped like
a baseball announcer.
374
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,122
And, the count is two and two.
375
00:17:10,146 --> 00:17:12,513
Garcia steps off
the mound again,
376
00:17:12,582 --> 00:17:16,050
virtually guaranteeing thatmy wife will be asleepwhen I get home.
377
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,663
The big right-hander
kicks a little dirt
378
00:17:17,687 --> 00:17:21,221
and tosses the rosin bagas my children grow upwithout me.
379
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,868
Okay, and now
a fan in the stands
380
00:17:22,892 --> 00:17:24,892
is giving me the finger.
I agree.
381
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,271
Hey, I don't know
if you can hear it,
382
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,696
but I'm peeing in my
coffee cup right now.
383
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:35,597
There you are.
Where the hell
have you been?
384
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:39,022
I got arrested
for huckin' a TV/VCR
combo off the damn.
385
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,292
Off the damn what?
386
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:41,725
Off the damn overpass.
387
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,160
Oh...
388
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,996
God, I love you, Lois.
That was like great sex.
389
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,632
But, seriously,
it was bad.
It hit a school bus.
390
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:51,513
Oh, my God!
Well, can you go
talk to Joe?
391
00:17:51,537 --> 00:17:54,083
Maybe he can put in
a word for you down
at the police station.
392
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:57,441
Yeah, yeah, Joe...
Yeah, maybe, maybe.
393
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,176
Do you... Uh...
You want a back rub?
394
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,178
Peter, what's going on?
395
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,279
Uh, what do you mean?
396
00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:04,059
Whenever you offer me
a back rub,
397
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,403
it means you're
hiding something.
398
00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:14,308
You want a back rub?
399
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:19,296
We may or may not have
put Joe in a smelly
home for the goofy.
400
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:20,397
What?
401
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,478
Peter, those places
are a horror show!
402
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,847
Joe's your friend!
How could you
treat him like that?
403
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,438
We just couldn't handle him
being fully paralyzed.
404
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,027
We didn't know what else to do.
405
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:31,203
But, you're right.
We got to get him
out of there.
406
00:18:31,227 --> 00:18:33,394
You most certainly do.
407
00:18:33,463 --> 00:18:35,474
All right,
how about that
back rub now?
408
00:18:35,498 --> 00:18:36,731
What are you, nuts?
409
00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,115
What the hell do you want?
410
00:18:44,139 --> 00:18:46,618
Oh, hello, sir.
I'm afraid there's
been a mistake.
411
00:18:46,642 --> 00:18:48,375
I believe you found our dog,
412
00:18:48,444 --> 00:18:50,094
and we need to take him home.
413
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:51,929
No way! Get lost, kid.
414
00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:53,464
He's my dog now.
415
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,800
Well, we figured
you'd say no to us,
416
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:58,669
but not to Vice President
Joe Biden!
417
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,238
Oh, my God!
Mr. Vice President!
418
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,773
First, I want to thank you, Vic,
419
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,943
for shooting the guy
we said was Osama bin Laden.
420
00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:08,779
Second, give these kids
their dog back.
421
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,349
Of course, sir, I'm so sorry!
422
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:13,250
Here, take him!
423
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:16,020
Thank you.
You're a great American.
424
00:19:16,089 --> 00:19:17,588
Thanks, Mr. Biden!
425
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:18,990
No problem.
426
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,270
Hey, you guys
watch Veep?
No.
427
00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:22,960
Yeah, it's all fake.
428
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,128
Yeah, we said no.
429
00:19:29,485 --> 00:19:31,752
Hi, uh, we're here
to pick up Joe Swanson.
430
00:19:31,821 --> 00:19:34,733
Are you from the news?
You have to tell us if
you're from the news.
431
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:35,923
No, we're his friends.
432
00:19:35,991 --> 00:19:37,357
What are you guys doing here?
433
00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:39,037
We came to bring you home, Joe.
434
00:19:39,061 --> 00:19:41,190
We're all really sorry
we abandoned you.
435
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:44,364
Yeah, we just kind of
got overwhelmed
and all freaked out.
436
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,944
But, we're your friends, Joe.
437
00:19:45,968 --> 00:19:48,180
And we'll always
be there for you
no matter what.
438
00:19:48,204 --> 00:19:49,703
Thanks, guys.
439
00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:52,434
I'd say,
"Let's get my stuff,"
but it's all been stolen.
440
00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:55,359
That's okay.
Come on, let's go home.
441
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,006
Sorry, no one gets out of here
442
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,607
without a release
from their doctor.
443
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,442
All right, we'll
just call him right now.
444
00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:06,711
What's that ringing?
445
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,973
Joe, that ringing,
it's coming
from your back!
446
00:20:13,997 --> 00:20:15,012
It is.
447
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:16,480
Holy crap!
448
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:18,727
Dr. Hartman must
have dropped
his phone in Joe
449
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:20,062
when he was
looking at
his spine!
450
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,218
Oh, thank God.
451
00:20:21,287 --> 00:20:22,927
I've been hearing
that ringing all week.
452
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,395
I just thought
I was losing my mind
453
00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:26,690
from lunatics
screaming in my face.
454
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,459
Your mother's a whore!
455
00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:32,078
I told you that
in confidence, Gary.
456
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,452
It's so great to
have you back, Joe.
457
00:20:38,521 --> 00:20:39,953
You seem good as new.
458
00:20:40,022 --> 00:20:42,255
Yeah, it turns out
Dr. Hartman's cell phone
459
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:44,068
was pressing on my spinal cord,
460
00:20:44,092 --> 00:20:46,672
and that's what
was causing
my total paralysis.
461
00:20:46,696 --> 00:20:48,895
Yeah, sorry we dropped
the ball for a while,
462
00:20:48,964 --> 00:20:51,410
which is the way we
agreed we'd describe
what we did to you,
463
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:53,144
which, hopefully,
makes it seem
less heinous.
464
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:56,488
It's all right, guys.
I'm just glad to be
back on my feet.
465
00:20:56,539 --> 00:20:58,784
Well, you know what I mean.
466
00:21:01,977 --> 00:21:04,078
I never saw much
of Joe after that.
467
00:21:04,147 --> 00:21:08,332
And, while he's beengone for many years,I've never forgotten his face
468
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,300
or his laughter.
469
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:13,949
Come on, are we going
to the beach?
470
00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,584
We've been waiting forever.
471
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:16,974
Yeah, be right there, champ.
472
00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:19,409
He said that the first
two times we asked.
473
00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:22,780
I know, he spaces out
when he's at the computer.
474
00:21:32,224 --> 00:21:33,957
These aren't my kids.
475
00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:36,993
And also,this isn't play-wrestling.We're actually fighting.
36019
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