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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,273
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,810
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,880
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,150
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,503
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:23,266
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,823
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:29,895
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,538
Ah, Smitty's Steakhouse.
11
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:42,974
You know, this was
the fanciest restaurant
in Quahog when I was a kid.
12
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,654
The ladies room has a big space
13
00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,189
with chairs in it
like a living room,
14
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,347
before you get back
to where the crappers are.
15
00:00:48,415 --> 00:00:50,026
Good evening
and welcome to Smitty's.
16
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,150
I'll be back with martinis
for Mom and Dad,
17
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:54,836
and for you kids, some martinis.
18
00:00:54,904 --> 00:00:57,185
Dad, can you
pass the bread?
Sure.
19
00:00:57,241 --> 00:00:59,051
But don't forget
the butter that
looks like
20
00:00:59,075 --> 00:01:00,220
decorative bathroom soaps
21
00:01:00,244 --> 00:01:02,324
and is impossible to smear.
22
00:01:05,849 --> 00:01:09,067
Thanks, Dad.
This really ruins it.
23
00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:10,680
What will you be having, sir?
24
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:12,148
Yes, I'll have
what I had last time.
25
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,605
Pheasant on the glass.
26
00:01:13,673 --> 00:01:15,085
Don't you mean
"Pheasant under glass"?
27
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,507
Nope.
28
00:01:19,630 --> 00:01:22,764
Yeah. Now turn around
and lay an egg on the glass.
29
00:01:25,436 --> 00:01:26,868
Ah, yeah.
30
00:01:26,937 --> 00:01:30,004
I defy you to tell me
exactly what's wrong
with this.
31
00:01:34,878 --> 00:01:37,456
Oh, Peter, look.
You can put your business
card in this bowl
32
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,025
and maybe win a free lunch.
33
00:01:39,049 --> 00:01:42,634
I don't have a business card.
And I think you knew that.
34
00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:46,171
I hope
you enjoyed your meal, sir.
May I offer you a toothpick?
35
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,750
Oh, I don't know.
We've already spent
36
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,207
a lot of money in here tonight.
37
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:51,075
No, sir, it's free.
38
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:54,914
Oh!
39
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,420
Peter, that's not how
you use a toothpick.
40
00:02:01,488 --> 00:02:05,424
You pick your teeth with it.
I cannot believe
I have to explain this to you.
41
00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:08,692
There are gaps
in my knowledge.
This is hardly news.
42
00:02:10,313 --> 00:02:12,080
Wow, this is awesome.
43
00:02:12,149 --> 00:02:14,449
This is like I'm having
a whole second meal.
44
00:02:16,954 --> 00:02:19,020
Man, this just feels right.
45
00:02:19,089 --> 00:02:20,399
That's it.
From here on out,
46
00:02:20,423 --> 00:02:22,423
I am about all things toothpick.
47
00:02:22,492 --> 00:02:24,904
I'm gonna go
everywhere with it,
always be chewing on it,
48
00:02:24,928 --> 00:02:26,773
and start all my sentences with,
49
00:02:26,797 --> 00:02:28,491
"All right, here's what
you're gonna do."
50
00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:30,293
Excuse me,
we're from out of town.
51
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,637
Where do people go to listen
to live music around here?
52
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,219
I'll handle this.
53
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:35,931
All right,
here's what you're gonna do.
Skip the live music.
54
00:02:35,955 --> 00:02:37,900
Get yourself a room
over at the Wickford Marina.
55
00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:40,102
Take her out on a balcony,
point to any boat
in the harbor
56
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:41,759
and tell her it's yours.
57
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,040
You got rubbers? Now that
I'm a toothpick guy,
I call 'em rubbers.
58
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,441
Or you could just
pull the hose out
59
00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:47,199
of the bucket
and let it spray free.
60
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,067
I've had a vasectomy.
61
00:02:52,456 --> 00:02:54,289
Chris, now that
I'm a toothpick guy,
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00:02:54,358 --> 00:02:57,259
it's my job
to sit on a BMX bike
outside the rec center
63
00:02:57,328 --> 00:02:59,778
and ask every kid
if they're the new kid.
64
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,880
Hey. You the new kid?
65
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,527
Why?
Never mind why.
66
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:04,850
Got any cool toys?
67
00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:07,352
Uh, I got an Xbox.
How about you?
68
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:09,198
I got a Barbie
with a wiener on it.
69
00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:12,090
Took a thumb from a G.I. Joe,
put it on with superglue.
70
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:15,271
Looks pretty real.
Real enough, anyways.
Does the job.
71
00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:16,361
Does what job?
72
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,763
You get it.
73
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:20,732
My family moves around a lot
'cause I do stuff like this.
74
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,234
Um, okay.
I gotta go now.
75
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:25,882
You sure you don't
want to come over
and pull on my cat's nipples?
76
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,506
We can do anything
'cause my mom has two jobs.
77
00:03:31,311 --> 00:03:32,689
All right,
I'm off to the fish market.
78
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,112
What? Why?
79
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:36,341
Well, the most
intimidating people
are toothpick guys
80
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,743
who work at seafood counters
and make people uncomfortable
81
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:40,335
for not knowing about fish.
82
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:41,797
What's good here?
It's all good.
83
00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:43,532
What's the freshest?
It's all fresh.
84
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:44,667
How about the halibut?
Is it gamey?
85
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:45,691
Gamey?
86
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:46,836
I mean, you know, is it fishy?
87
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,037
It's all fish.
88
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,438
Is there a special
way to prepare it?
89
00:03:49,462 --> 00:03:50,962
I'd cook it up.
90
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,631
Well,
what's the best fish here?
What's your favorite fish?
91
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,900
I don't eat fish.
I only like spaghetti.
92
00:04:00,524 --> 00:04:03,125
Ugh, when are you
gonna get rid
of that toothpick?
93
00:04:03,193 --> 00:04:05,593
It's disgusting,
and it's starting to smell.
94
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,807
Why would I give it up?
It's getting me tons of tail.
95
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,464
What?
And check this out.
96
00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:11,633
The rare triple toothpick flip.
97
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,308
Oh, my God, are you all right?
98
00:04:20,377 --> 00:04:23,845
No, I swallowed it.
My toothpick.
It's gone. Damn it!
99
00:04:23,913 --> 00:04:25,458
I'm gonna need you
to put that large
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00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:26,992
two-handed colander
over the toilet.
101
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,050
Peter, that was
a wedding present
from my aunt.
102
00:04:29,118 --> 00:04:31,597
Well, then let's use
the ice cream maker.
We've never used it once.
103
00:04:31,621 --> 00:04:34,339
Calm down.
You can always get
another toothpick.
104
00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:35,857
Oh, my God, you're right.
105
00:04:35,926 --> 00:04:38,287
Lois, we gotta
drive to Smitty's right now
and get one.
106
00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:42,246
Now? But we told Chris
we'd be there
when he wakes up from surgery.
107
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,384
All right, we were
able to fix your hernia,
108
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:48,920
but you've gotta stop
lifting sewer hole covers.
109
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:52,168
But the Ninja Turtles
live down there.
I'm friends with them.
110
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,325
Hey, fat ass,
I brought you flowers.
111
00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,594
But stay out of the sewers.
112
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,007
We're trying to work down there.
113
00:04:57,031 --> 00:04:58,296
Thanks, Donatello.
114
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:04,831
Oh, thank God.
Quick, we need
another toothpick.
115
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,305
Thank you, Maurice.
116
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,950
Just get your toothpick
and let's get out of here.
117
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,519
Ugh! No, thanks.
118
00:05:20,587 --> 00:05:22,921
That old lady has
ruined toothpicks for me.
119
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,106
Just like
how Meg ruined broccoli.
120
00:05:25,175 --> 00:05:27,108
Hey, Meg, look,
they're little trees.
121
00:05:27,177 --> 00:05:28,543
No, they're not.
122
00:05:28,612 --> 00:05:30,429
They're not?
123
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,948
Hey, Peter.
124
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:35,834
Oh, look, there's Quagmire
and his transgendered mother,
125
00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:37,569
which is now great.
126
00:05:38,789 --> 00:05:40,454
Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Ida.
127
00:05:40,523 --> 00:05:41,818
I didn't know
you liked Smitty's.
128
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,619
Oh, yeah, I've been
coming here for ages.
129
00:05:43,643 --> 00:05:45,321
They even named
a sandwich after me.
130
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,979
It's an inside-out hot dog
slathered in ketchup.
131
00:05:48,047 --> 00:05:49,765
Please, please join us.
132
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:52,634
Oh, we wouldn't
want to interrupt
your brave dinner.
133
00:05:52,702 --> 00:05:54,636
Nonsense,
we're happy to have you.
134
00:05:54,704 --> 00:05:56,216
All right,
but we already ate dinner.
135
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,641
So maybe just
an iceberg wedge,
a steak and some sides.
136
00:05:59,709 --> 00:06:01,709
And then I said something random
137
00:06:01,779 --> 00:06:03,745
that suggested
a whole crazy story.
138
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,983
Oh, God, that's hilarious, Lois.
139
00:06:08,051 --> 00:06:10,096
I could listen to
you talk all night.
140
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,620
Yeah, but we gotta get going.
141
00:06:11,688 --> 00:06:13,967
Carter's our babysitter,
and if he's with
the kids too long,
142
00:06:13,991 --> 00:06:15,740
they start saying racisms.
143
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,920
Oh, I wish the fun
didn't have to end.
144
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:20,195
I always enjoy
spending time with you two.
145
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,125
Well, why don't you
come over tomorrow?
146
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:25,328
We'll fire up the grill
and have the gang over
for a cookout.
147
00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:26,662
Well, that sounds wonderful.
148
00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:27,963
Well, great, we'll be there.
149
00:06:27,987 --> 00:06:29,899
Hey, before you two leave,
let's take a photo.
150
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,489
Yeah! Selfie.
151
00:06:32,692 --> 00:06:34,132
I just learned that word.
152
00:06:38,364 --> 00:06:40,432
Perfect. Well, good night,
you guys.
153
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,467
See you tomorrow, hashtags.
154
00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:44,001
You're not doing that right.
155
00:06:48,291 --> 00:06:50,737
Boy, that Lois is
really something,
isn't she?
156
00:06:50,761 --> 00:06:53,194
Yeah. Peter's a lucky guy.
157
00:06:53,730 --> 00:06:55,530
Glenn, do you...
158
00:06:55,599 --> 00:06:57,599
Do you have feelings for her?
159
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,667
What? No.
160
00:06:59,736 --> 00:07:01,436
A mother always knows.
161
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,438
You like to play the field,
but deep down,
162
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,251
you really wish
you had a woman
like Lois, don't you?
163
00:07:06,275 --> 00:07:08,342
No, I don't want
a woman like Lois.
164
00:07:08,411 --> 00:07:09,811
I want Lois.
165
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,246
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
166
00:07:12,315 --> 00:07:14,849
She's warm and kind
and beautiful.
167
00:07:14,918 --> 00:07:17,451
I've never been
so in love with anyone.
168
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,441
Glenn, that's very sweet,
169
00:07:19,489 --> 00:07:21,433
but you're
talking about your
best friend's wife.
170
00:07:21,457 --> 00:07:22,957
I know, I know.
It's wrong.
171
00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:25,793
And Peter's a good friend.
Not like Cleveland.
172
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,613
Hey, I got
two of these phone books.
173
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,081
Didn't know if you wanted one.
174
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:33,351
Hey, how long have
we known each other?
Long time.
175
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:36,488
And yet we've never discussed
mother's maiden names,
176
00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:40,759
the names of old pets,
high school mascots,
favorite teachers.
177
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:44,061
Heck, I don't even know
the last four digits
of your Social.
178
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:45,708
Cleveland, do you need
to borrow some money?
179
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:46,732
I do.
180
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,645
They're gonna kill Donna.
Really?
181
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,968
No. I just want to buy
a man's fur coat.
182
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:52,237
Get out of here.
183
00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:59,155
Hey, Peter,
I had an extra
phone book, and I...
184
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:01,539
I'm not buying you that coat!
185
00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:09,598
Uh... Huh?
186
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:11,968
Who? What? Yeah, what? What?
Which doggy in what window?
187
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,625
So, how'd everything go?
188
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,738
Hard to tell.
I was coughing
the whole time.
189
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,139
By the way,
I couldn't figure out
190
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,508
how to use your oven,
so I destroyed it
191
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,999
in a blind rage.
Well, good night.
192
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:25,236
Ooh. After that steak
I gotta go lay down
on the toilet.
193
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:29,273
Ah. Looks like I got
a couple of messages.
194
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,887
Uh, Dad? Dad?
195
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,555
Grandpa's going
nuts on the oven.
196
00:08:32,579 --> 00:08:33,745
Can you come home quick?
197
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,079
Who the hell is that?
198
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,382
There's one from Quagmire.
199
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,886
Heh. Must have
pocket-dialed me again.
200
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,320
I want Lois.
201
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,723
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
202
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:47,392
She's warm and kind
and beautiful.
203
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,394
I've never been
so in love with anyone.
204
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:51,530
Oh, my God.
205
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:53,765
Quagmire's in love with my wife?
206
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,345
- Hello?
- Peter, I'm having
207
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,669
troubles on the toilet.
208
00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:59,554
Bring the ice cream maker.
209
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:08,257
Brian, there's something
I gotta talk to you about.
210
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,615
Quagmire pocket-dialed me
last night.
211
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:12,583
You gotta hear this.
212
00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:13,852
I want Lois.
213
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:15,798
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
214
00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:17,688
Oh, my God!
215
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,224
He's in love with Lois?
216
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,603
Yeah, and if you keep listening,
217
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:21,938
you can hear
a Puerto Rican busboy
218
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,239
get fired in the background.
219
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,340
It's pretty funny.
He cries.
220
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,942
But can you believe Quagmire?
221
00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,565
Well, I guess
it's not that shocking.
222
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:30,268
I mean,
he has said a hundred times
that he wants to bang Lois.
223
00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:32,749
No, no, no,
that's just Quagmire
being a horndog.
224
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,355
This is love.
225
00:09:34,423 --> 00:09:36,219
I don't know.
I think you're making
too big a deal out of this.
226
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,575
Too big a deal?
227
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:39,322
The guy's been
sitting next to me
all these years
228
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:40,546
acting like he's my friend,
229
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,491
when all he really wants
is to be with my wife.
230
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:44,243
Geez, calm down.
No, I'm telling you,
231
00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:47,113
he's gonna try to
take Lois away from me.
You know what?
232
00:09:47,137 --> 00:09:49,081
I'm going over there
right now
and hit him with a shovel,
233
00:09:49,105 --> 00:09:51,083
like a white trash YouTube girl.
234
00:09:51,107 --> 00:09:52,507
Peter, wait, wait. Listen.
235
00:09:52,575 --> 00:09:54,808
Delete that message
and pretend
you never heard it.
236
00:09:54,877 --> 00:09:55,910
What? Why?
237
00:09:55,978 --> 00:09:57,723
Because you weren't
meant to hear it.
238
00:09:57,747 --> 00:10:00,326
If you act on this,
all you'll do is
wreck your friendship
239
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:02,294
and cause heartache
for everyone involved.
240
00:10:02,318 --> 00:10:04,230
What, so what am I
supposed to do,
just ignore it?
241
00:10:04,254 --> 00:10:05,453
Yeah. Ignore it.
242
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,400
Like you do with the ghost
of that colonial woman
243
00:10:07,424 --> 00:10:09,224
who died falling
down our stairs.
244
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:12,710
I saw you eat a crayon.
245
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,746
It was purple.
I thought it was grape.
246
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,849
Look, you've got to be
the bigger man.
247
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:20,051
You gotta
just keep this to yourself.
248
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,631
Fine,
I won't say anything.
Good.
249
00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:24,422
And don't be
passive-aggressive either.
250
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,458
Like one of those songs
in an old musical.
251
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,794
♪ You're hideous
252
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:31,997
♪ To be without
253
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,631
♪ You're big and fat
254
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,400
♪ In the heart no doubt
255
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,335
♪ You're a horrible loss
256
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:39,270
♪ If you won't be my wife
257
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,973
♪ You're a raging, continuous
258
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,409
♪ Love in my life ♪
259
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:52,884
Pretty good turnout
for this thing.
260
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:56,854
Oh, yeah,
Mort and Neil Goldman.
It's like Coachella.
261
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:04,462
There's that son of a bitch.
He's got some nerve
showing up here.
262
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:06,542
Peter, remember
what we talked about.
263
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:08,066
Look at them clouds up there.
264
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:11,402
Yeah, that one
look like Nathan.
That one look like Shawn.
265
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,237
And there go Wanya over there.
266
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,740
How blessed are we
to have all them Boyz II Men
267
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:18,109
just floating around in the sky?
268
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:19,511
Glenn. Ida.
You made it.
269
00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:20,845
Hey, Lois.
270
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,758
I brought the hamburger buns
like you wanted.
271
00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:24,059
I wasn't sure what people like,
272
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:25,260
so I got some with seeds on them
273
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:26,384
and some without.
274
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:28,436
And what does he mean by that?
"Seeds."
275
00:11:28,505 --> 00:11:30,438
Like semen?
Is that what he means?
276
00:11:30,507 --> 00:11:33,268
Semen on her buns.
Am I the only
one hearing this?
277
00:11:33,292 --> 00:11:35,604
Get the hell away
from my wife,
you scumbag!
278
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:37,645
Peter, what are you
talkin' about?
279
00:11:37,713 --> 00:11:40,493
I'll tell you
what I'm talkin' about!
I'm talkin' about this!
280
00:11:40,517 --> 00:11:42,794
- Idea for a movie.
- Fop Cop.
281
00:11:42,818 --> 00:11:45,786
It's a cop who's
like a fancy guy.
282
00:11:45,855 --> 00:11:47,633
Nobody heard that.
None of you take that.
283
00:11:47,657 --> 00:11:49,757
What I meant to play was this.
284
00:11:49,826 --> 00:11:51,058
I want Lois.
285
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:54,262
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
286
00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:56,597
Fop Cop.
That could work.
287
00:11:56,666 --> 00:11:58,833
Glenn, is this true?
288
00:11:58,902 --> 00:12:00,880
Wait a minute, how the hell
did you get that recording,
Peter?
289
00:12:00,904 --> 00:12:02,903
You pocket-dialed me,
you bastard.
290
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,052
Peter, that was
a private conversation.
291
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,324
That doesn't change the fact
292
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,376
that you wanna steal my wife.
293
00:12:08,445 --> 00:12:10,590
Hey, get your hands off me.
294
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,497
Oh, my God. No!
295
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,428
Stop. Stop, you two.
296
00:12:15,452 --> 00:12:18,102
Kill him, Dad!
Murder him!
297
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:22,818
That's it.
End of cookout.
298
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:26,202
Get out of my house
and don't ever
speak to me again.
299
00:12:28,014 --> 00:12:29,881
Wow, that turned ugly fast.
300
00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:32,416
Just like my trip to Tampa Bay.
301
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:35,586
Hey, city boy.
What's with the arm pants?
302
00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:42,042
I want Lois.
303
00:12:42,111 --> 00:12:44,445
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
304
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:46,681
Ugh. You're still
listening to that thing?
305
00:12:46,749 --> 00:12:50,651
It's like
I can't even process
why he'd feel this way.
306
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,365
Maybe, you know,
maybe play it
one more time and...
307
00:12:53,389 --> 00:12:56,657
I can't believe this.
I thought Quagmire
was my friend.
308
00:12:56,726 --> 00:12:58,937
Peter, it's not that surprising.
309
00:12:58,961 --> 00:13:01,139
He's always had
a potent sex drive.
310
00:13:01,163 --> 00:13:03,264
Remember his
grandmother's funeral?
311
00:13:04,434 --> 00:13:06,467
Yeah, get it in there.
312
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,436
Oh, I wish this was about sex.
313
00:13:08,505 --> 00:13:10,704
If he was just home
busting one
to his buddy's wife,
314
00:13:10,773 --> 00:13:12,606
hell, we've all done that.
315
00:13:12,675 --> 00:13:14,275
I've heard. Allegedly.
316
00:13:14,344 --> 00:13:16,477
But not often.
And never to Donna.
317
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,024
Except when
she wore those shiny
gold shorts
318
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:19,480
to parent-teacher night.
319
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,549
Oh. Yeah,
that was hilarious.
320
00:13:21,617 --> 00:13:23,835
Yeah, that was so tacky.
321
00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:27,254
But if Quagmire actually
has feelings for you,
322
00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:29,790
I'm afraid he might
take you away from me.
323
00:13:29,859 --> 00:13:32,260
Peter, nobody's
taking me anywhere.
324
00:13:32,328 --> 00:13:33,694
I love you.
325
00:13:35,298 --> 00:13:37,197
I love you, too, Lois.
326
00:13:37,266 --> 00:13:38,744
Hey, you ever heard
any of the other wives
327
00:13:38,768 --> 00:13:40,208
saying they're attracted to me?
328
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:44,383
No. Not that
I recall, no.
329
00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,385
Look, now that this is settled,
330
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,587
maybe you and Glenn
can put this behind you.
331
00:13:48,611 --> 00:13:50,656
No way! How am I
supposed to be friends
with someone
332
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,012
who's in love with my wife?
333
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,581
Quagmire is dead to me
334
00:13:53,650 --> 00:13:55,770
and needs to be dealt with
in an appropriate manner.
335
00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:58,102
Shame.
336
00:13:58,672 --> 00:13:59,820
Shame.
337
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,607
Shame.
338
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,108
Shame.
339
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,977
♪ Shame, shame, shame
340
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,413
♪ Shame on you
341
00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:13,083
♪ Shame, shame, shame
342
00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:14,952
♪ Shame on Q ♪
343
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:18,301
This was serious,
but it turned
into something fun.
344
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,631
Glenn? Is that you?
345
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:31,035
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I was just buying
a grocery store cane.
346
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:33,420
See you, Lois.
Glenn, wait.
347
00:14:33,489 --> 00:14:35,790
Look, if you and Peter
aren't gonna talk this out,
348
00:14:35,859 --> 00:14:37,257
you and I should.
349
00:14:37,327 --> 00:14:38,626
What's there to talk about?
350
00:14:38,695 --> 00:14:41,295
Everyone knows I'm in love
with my best friend's wife.
351
00:14:41,364 --> 00:14:43,297
It's pathetic.
And humiliating.
352
00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:46,567
Glenn...
I can't trust myself
around you.
353
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,704
It's probably best
if I just never see you again.
354
00:14:49,772 --> 00:14:51,817
Well, you can't
just avoid me forever.
355
00:14:51,841 --> 00:14:53,761
We live on the same street.
356
00:14:54,076 --> 00:14:55,409
Hmm.
357
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:58,112
Well, then.
I know what I have to do.
358
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:00,747
Goodbye, Lois.
359
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,453
Oh, sour cream.
You wanted me
to remind you.
360
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:12,677
Sour cream.
361
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,917
Mr. Quagmire, which box
do these beads go in?
362
00:15:19,986 --> 00:15:21,931
Let me smell them.
363
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,520
They go in the big box.
364
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:25,522
Quagmire, I can't believe
you're moving.
365
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:28,359
Look, give it time.
This whole thing
will blow over.
366
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:32,096
No, it's too awkward.
It's best for everyone
if I just leave.
367
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:33,297
That's too bad.
368
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:36,434
We never got to do
that Joe-Quagmire lunch.
369
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:42,223
Well, that'll do it.
370
00:15:42,291 --> 00:15:46,394
Peter, Quagmire's
serious about this.
You gotta do something.
371
00:15:46,462 --> 00:15:48,782
You're right.
Quagmire, wait!
372
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:51,683
You almost left without this.
373
00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:59,957
You want me to be the one
that says "Jiggity" now?
374
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,983
We now return to Dateline.
375
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:10,418
Our story tonight.
376
00:16:10,486 --> 00:16:13,153
The guy you think did it?
He did it.
377
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:15,790
Now go to bed.Your grandkidsare coming tomorrow.
378
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:22,706
I had a pretty good
egg dish last night.
379
00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:23,914
What?
380
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,217
What am I supposed to do
with that information?
381
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:28,852
Well, I don't know.
Maybe ask me for the recipe?
382
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:31,055
Do you have it?
No.
383
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,567
So what's going on
with you guys?
384
00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:34,325
Nothing much.
385
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,927
See, this is where Quagmire
normally would have told
386
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,230
one of his outrageous
sex stories.
387
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:41,682
Ah, we don't need him.
I got a sex story for you.
388
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,779
So I'm banging this chick,
and she's saying to me,
389
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:46,070
"I'm worried
that Chris won't
get into college."
390
00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:49,106
And then I says to her,
"Yeah, that seems
like a legitimate concern."
391
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:52,076
And then I lost my wood,
and so we just
watched Colbert,
392
00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:54,245
and then I took
a dump completely nude.
393
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,748
Who else but Peter?
394
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,130
Peter, face it.
Without Quagmire,
we're boring.
395
00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:02,264
Oh, come on, that ain't true.
396
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:03,888
Yes, it is.
397
00:17:03,957 --> 00:17:07,358
He had all the fun ideas.
Remember? He even
took me parasailing.
398
00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:12,129
This is awesome.
It's like I'm flying.
399
00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:16,967
I've never felt so alive!
400
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:19,870
Oh. If only
I had a pair of legs.
401
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,040
All right.
402
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,485
It was the fish part of me
that wanted them.
403
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:37,889
Look, Peter,
I'm sorry
Quagmire moved away,
404
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:40,841
but you can't
just sit around the house
and drink all day.
405
00:17:40,910 --> 00:17:43,243
It's all your fault
Quagmire fell in love
with you.
406
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:45,312
Traipsing around
in your tan pants
407
00:17:45,381 --> 00:17:47,982
and your green shirt
and your soothing voice.
408
00:17:48,050 --> 00:17:49,450
My fault?
409
00:17:49,519 --> 00:17:51,168
Yeah, everything is messed up.
410
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,770
I lost my best friend,
my buddies are all fighting,
411
00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:56,401
that chick at work
is saying stuff
that ain't true.
412
00:17:56,425 --> 00:17:59,170
Okay, you know what?
Enough feeling
sorry for yourself.
413
00:17:59,194 --> 00:18:01,695
We're fixing this now.
Get in the car.
414
00:18:01,764 --> 00:18:03,697
What? Why?
You'll see.
415
00:18:03,766 --> 00:18:05,265
Why should I trust you?
416
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:08,503
You're always tricking me
into going places
I don't wanna.
417
00:18:08,571 --> 00:18:11,772
Oh. You said
we were going to a place
Walt Disney built.
418
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:14,425
No, Peter.
I said "supported."
419
00:18:19,749 --> 00:18:21,869
By the way,
don't go on the train ride.
420
00:18:26,990 --> 00:18:30,391
I've been playing
a game I invented
called "mini racquetball"
421
00:18:30,459 --> 00:18:31,558
in your garage.
422
00:18:31,627 --> 00:18:32,927
Uh-huh.
423
00:18:32,996 --> 00:18:35,629
It's pretty fun.
He has not won
a single point.
424
00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:38,132
You don't have to win
to have fun.
425
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,653
Lois? Peter.
426
00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:44,533
Zod.
Hey.
427
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,957
You're parked behind
my trapezoid-thing.
428
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,776
Yeah, yeah,
I'll move it in a sec.
429
00:18:48,845 --> 00:18:51,762
Glenn, all this nonsense
has to stop now.
430
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:53,309
The only reason
this became an issue
431
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,709
is because Peter heard something
432
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,200
he wasn't supposed to hear.
433
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:57,863
Guy from Superman lives here?
434
00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:01,288
And the truth is,
we all have private thoughts
we don't act on.
435
00:19:01,824 --> 00:19:03,190
And that's okay.
436
00:19:03,259 --> 00:19:05,270
For instance,
every time
I'm on the subway,
437
00:19:05,294 --> 00:19:07,254
I wanna push a stranger
onto the tracks.
438
00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:10,014
And that's fine.
I don't do it.
439
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,415
I guess you're right.
440
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,918
I don't totally disagree with
what Kim Jong-un's doing,
441
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,764
but you don't see me
moving there.
442
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:19,273
I take medicine I get
from the veterinarian.
Is that one?
443
00:19:19,341 --> 00:19:23,277
No, no, it's not,
but the point is,
we all have secret thoughts.
444
00:19:23,345 --> 00:19:25,924
But there's no reason
they should
ruin our friendships.
445
00:19:25,948 --> 00:19:27,693
Sometimes I think about
going to the hospital
446
00:19:27,717 --> 00:19:29,294
and switching the babies around.
447
00:19:29,318 --> 00:19:31,162
Somali pirates seem cool, too.
448
00:19:31,186 --> 00:19:33,654
I wouldn't mind eating
the Phillie Phanatic.
449
00:19:33,723 --> 00:19:36,890
See? We're all
terrible people inside.
450
00:19:36,959 --> 00:19:38,570
Joe is a little worse
than the rest of us,
451
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,828
but we all just
shove our thoughts
452
00:19:40,896 --> 00:19:43,264
deep down where
they can't hurt anybody.
453
00:19:43,332 --> 00:19:44,498
Huh.
454
00:19:44,567 --> 00:19:45,699
Maybe you're right.
455
00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:47,234
Of course I'm right.
456
00:19:47,303 --> 00:19:50,571
The secret to happiness
is burying
all your true feelings
457
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,407
and living a life
of bland compromise.
458
00:19:53,476 --> 00:19:55,576
So here's the question, Glenn.
459
00:19:55,645 --> 00:19:59,230
Do you love Peter enough
to repress your love for me?
460
00:20:03,919 --> 00:20:07,054
Peter, if you're willing
to forget all about this,
461
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:10,474
I'm more than happy
to continue hiding
my true feelings.
462
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,076
I do miss us
hanging out together.
463
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,413
Uh, sorry I kind of went
a little crazy.
464
00:20:15,481 --> 00:20:17,047
Ah, that's all right.
465
00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:19,917
And I'm sorry I will
always love your wife.
466
00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:21,118
Which I don't.
467
00:20:21,186 --> 00:20:22,602
Thank you, Glenn.
468
00:20:22,671 --> 00:20:25,055
All right.
What do you say
we all celebrate
469
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:27,491
with a game of mini racquetball?
470
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,094
Wait, is mini racquetball
just Ping-Pong?
471
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,312
Kind of.
472
00:20:36,385 --> 00:20:39,086
Boy, it's good to have
the gang together again.
473
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:42,389
Yeah, welcome home, buddy.
Man, I missed sitting around
474
00:20:42,457 --> 00:20:43,991
just shooting the breeze.
475
00:20:44,060 --> 00:20:46,593
Hey, so how'd you
get your house back?
This ought to be good.
476
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,395
I suspended escrow.
477
00:20:48,463 --> 00:20:49,463
Oh.
478
00:20:51,266 --> 00:20:54,306
Hey, guys,
you know that egg dish
I was talking about?
479
00:20:54,369 --> 00:20:56,837
Turns out that was
just a dream I had.
36620
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