All language subtitles for Family Guy - S14E05 - Peter, Chris & Brian (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hey, guys, do you like beer,
but can't get drunk from beer?

Then try new Vodka Beer.

The can says "beer,"

but inside is 12 ounces
of carbonated vodka.

And the best part is,
your wife will never know.

Honey, I'm so proud
of you, cutting down
to one beer a night.

Take off your underwear.

She don't know.

I got the mail.

Hey, does an octopus live here?

Peter, that says
"occupant."

Oh, that's too bad.
That would've
been awesome.

Oh, look, Peter.

Here's something from
your mother's estate.

Oh, looks like they
finally sold her house.

And the last white
domino in that
neighborhood falls.

Wow. They sold it?

So that means the house
and everything
inside of it is gone?

Oh, sweetheart,

you thinking about
all the good times
you had there?

No, I'm thinking about
my teenage porn stash.

It's still hidden in the house.

Oh. Okay, but I know
this is really about
the memories.

Lactating sluts on box-springs.

The special times growing up.

Bikini black chicks sneezing.

Lois, stop making him
reminisce about stuff.

You don't understand, Lois.

A boy's first collection
of nudie books

and girlie movies
is a sacred thing.

It can't fall into
a stranger's hands.
This is very serious.

I'm taking us to DEFCON 4.

What happens when
it hits DEFCON 1?

We see a dog wearing a wig.

Oh, heck, let's see that anyway.

That's not even a lady dog.

Hey, Peter, what's wrong?
You've been real quiet.

I don't know, Quagmire.
I keep thinking
of my old pornos.

It's like I'm
reminded of them
everywhere I look.

You've been looking
at Cleveland a lot.

Plus, you know,
when people find that box,

they won't know that, like,
for some of them magazines,

I just had them as,
like, a joke.

You know, not 'cause,
like, I was really into it.
Just the opposite.

For some of
them magazines.
Okay.

I'm gonna be arrested for sure.

Peter, I know
exactly where
you're coming from.

You, Quagmire?
You enjoy
pornography, too?

Yup, and I know
that a man's
porn collection

must be secured and
protected at all costs,

until he gets ashamed
of it and ditches it in
an alley behind a Kroger's.

Hey, I know!

What if we break into
my old house and steal back
my big box of pornos?

What do you say?
You guys with me?

You bet.
Sure thing, Peter.

I mean, come on,
we're a team. Like fish
and chips and fat guys.

I want the double cheeseburger,

but I'm gonna go healthy
and get the fish and chips.

Fish and chips!

Okay, you all remember the plan.

We walk up wearing
our Bill Cosby masks.

Peter, that's President Obama.

Aw, did I just do a racism?

Hello? Can I help
you gentlemen?

Hi.

You guys have been sitting
in front of my house

for the last five hours
trying on Obama masks.

Is there something
I can do for you?

We, uh...

We were just getting ready
to break into your house.

Excuse me?

Oh, hey, cool shirt.

What? Oh, thank you.

Look, what's this all about?

This guy used to
live in your house,

and a box of his old porn
is still hidden in there.

We were gonna
break in and take it.

And I was gonna stay
with the rental van

because it's my name
what's on the contract.

Oh. Well, you could've
just knocked on
the door and asked.

I don't want that stuff,
I've got kids.
Get it out of there!

Really? Awesome!

Well, that was
easier than a game
of Pai Gow poker.

Pai gow.
You lose again!
That was awesome!

I can't believe
these tables
are always empty.

You play again?
Nope, out of money.

I'm just gonna
wait for my drink.

Who had the full
glass of Goldschlager?

Ah. Sorry, can't tip.
I'm gonna take
this up to my room.

I'm on the wrong floor.

Almost time for lunch.

How was everything?
Delicious.

The prime rib was mostly fat.

Should I charge it to your room?

No, I had to check out,
even though my
flight's not until midnight.

Now, how does one
with no money
get to the airport?

Hey, buddy,
you're blocking
the outlet.

Oh, Sorry.
There was no chairs.

Hi, Peter.
How was Vegas?

Oh, it's the best!

Sweet. Which movie
should I start with?

"Back Door Sluts 4."

Eh, I haven't seen
the first three,

I wouldn't know what's going on.

Here we go.

I wanna watch
all of these
movies, nonstop.

I don't wanna watch
any more of
these movies, ever.

Hey, Brian, you wanna
go for a ride to
behind the Kroger's?

What?

That's weird.
What's that?

Hello, future Peter.
Hi.

By the time you watch this,
you'll be a grown-up,

so I'm sure you're
allowed to eat ice cream
and pizza for every meal.

You know it.

Also, I bet you're
a big important doctor

like that Doogie Howser kid
who's getting so much ass.

Well, I was partly right.

I just hope to God
you're not stuck
in some loser job,

like in a brewery,
or a toy factory,
or a fishing boat.

Oh, boy.

But, you know,
I don't have to worry
about none of that.

I'm sure you're a big,
successful doctor.

Anyway, here's some
Conway Twitty.

♪ I know it's only
make believe ♪

This is annoying.
I don't wanna
sit through this.

Man.

I guess I ain't
the big success
I thought I'd be.

I know what you mean, Peter.

When I was young, I thought
that someday I'd produce
Upworthy web content.

Am I doing it?
Yes. But not
everyone is so lucky.

Damn it, I suck.
I've never done
anything important.

Well, except for
when I beat Larry Bird
for a Big Mac.

Off the floor,
off the scoreboard,
off the backboard, no rim.

Right near the basket,
underhanded,
effeminate gasp,

over the backboard,
out of bounds,
waddle over to get it,

slip on a towel,
twist my ankle,
go to the emergency room,

doctors tell me
it's not that bad and
I shouldn't have come there,

I make them give me
a cast anyway,
never play sports again.

Hey, I won the $2 sandwich.

♪ Highway to the danger zone ♪

Look at me.

I was beautiful.

What are you watching?

It's just a teenage loser w
ho didn't realize he had
no future in front of him.

Well, when you're
done with this,

Stewie is trapped
between his crib
and the wall.

Help!
Somebody help!

He's watching an old video.

Okay, when he's done, then.

♪ Danger zone

♪ I'm gonna take you
right into the Danger Zone ♪

Oh, my God!

He's just rhyming
"danger zone"
with "danger zone."

Holy crap!

Chris, I was just like you!

What?
Listen to me, Chris.

I'm a failure in life,
and that's all I'll ever be.

But it's not too late
for you. I won't let you
go down my path.

What are you saying, Dad?

I'm saying, Chris,

I'm gonna make sure
that you grow up
to be a success.

Yeah, I'm gonna be a success!

Would you excuse
me for a moment?

Computer, what does
"success" mean?

Chris, let me know
when you're done
with the computer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No TV for you, Chris.

TV is how stupid losers
spend their time.

Peter, what is this all about?

I'm trying to
save our son, Lois.

I don't want him
to end up like me,

dead-end job, crappy house,

aging wife who's
getting skinny where
fat's supposed to be,

and fat where skinny's
supposed to be.

Ha!
Meg, go to your room.

Look, Peter,
I'm glad you're thinking
about Chris' future,

but he's fine.

He's a perfectly normal kid.

Are you crazy?
Look at him.

He's over there
intentionally giving
himself a nosebleed.

Yay! My nose is
finally a woman!

Okay, so maybe he's
a little rough
around the edges, but...

Oh, boy, a little
got in my mouth there.

Yeah, I'm gonna have
to wash this shirt.

Anyway, I'm gonna help
Chris become a big,
important success.

The same way
Mumford turned his
son into a success.

Okay, Dad,
heading out
to the concert.

Now, hold on a minute, son.

Where are your arm garters?
Your string tie?
Your woolen vest?

You look nothing like
a dry-goods clerk from
the Garfield administration.

But, Dad...
No buts! You're a Mumford.

Now get upstairs,
put on a jaunty
traveling hat,

and write the same
song 25 times.

Chris, it's time
to get you on
the path to success.

And if there's
one surefire way
to expand your mind,

it's free weekly newspapers

dispensed from
unlocked metal boxes
on street corners.

Ah, yes. All the newest,
most cutting-edge
ideas are in here.

Art, music, poetry,
political discourse.

Ah. Uh-huh.

Mmm. Ha.

It's 300 pages of she-male ads.

Okay, now, Chris,
if you wanna be a success,

you gotta look worldly
and sophisticated.

And to do that,
you got to dress
like Lenny Kravitz,

with a little something
from every part of
the world pinned on you.

Leather bracelets!

Nipple ring!

Zippers where
zippers shouldn't be!

Wilma Flintstone
pearl necklaces!

A fur shrug with
crocheted sleeves!

A hat on a hat!

A watch on your pinky toe!

And nothing says,
"Look at me,
I've been places,"

like two lit
road flares hanging
from your sunglasses.

Hey, you look like
you've been places.

Stop looking at me!
I do not want
this attention!

Come on, Chris,
let's get out of here.

Uh, what are you doing?

Well, I've been
trying to make Chris
less of a fat dummy,

and nothing seems to be working,

so now we're
high-stepping around
in giant hats.

Tip of the giant hat, sir.

And to you, sir!

Yes, sir, smart day to you, sir.

And I thank you, sir.

I scraped my knee bad!

Get up, Chris,
you're embarrassing
yourself.

You look stupid and fat.

Peter, I have to ask,
are you pushing
Chris so hard

because it's what's
best for him?

Or are you trying to
make up for your
own disappointment

about how your life turned out?

Brian, these are
the biggest hats
I could find,

so if your point is
that there's even
larger ones available,

I would greet that
with skepticism.

No, no, no, my point is
that you need to let
Chris find his own path.

Oh, my God, you're right, Brian.

He needs to be pointed
to a very specific path.

And then forced to go down it.

No, no, that's
the opposite of
what I just said.

Chris, your best chance
for success

is to be cultured and
worldly, like our dog.

So starting right now,

you gotta follow
Brian around and do
everything he does.

What?
Come on, Brian.

You gotta show Chris
how to turn out
better than me.

I mean, you went to Brown,
you're a published author,

you can hear it first
when Joe falls out
of the tub.

That's starting to
happen more often.

But I guess you're right.

Maybe I am the guy
to make a diamond
out of this lump of coal.

But only if it's
what Chris wants.

I don't care.
All right,
I'll do it.

Just follow my lead, Chris.

'Cause I think
you could be
something great.

Who knows? Maybe you'll
even become one of those
Mission Control leaders

who gets all
thoughtful while
everybody's celebrating.

Apollo 13, this is
Mission Control,
do you copy?

Apollo 13, this is
Mission Control,
do you copy?

Do you copy, Apollo 13?

Mission Control,
this is Apollo 13.

We're all okay.
Good to be home.

Sir, you did it!

Sir, is everything okay?

I bought a Nook e-reader
a couple of years ago,

and I'm still pissed about it.

Hey.

Hey.

Chew that way.

Eh, dinner's no fun
without Chris here.

There's nobody here for me
to wing my biscuit at.

Well, Peter, he's been
spending an awful
lot of time with Bri...

Eh, it's not the same.

Anyway, he and Brian
have been spending
a lot of time together.

Really? You're gonna
let that slide?

Guy throws a biscuit at you?

Good evening, all.

Apologies for being so tardy.

Oh, Chris, you're not tardy.

We tested you twice.

There you guys are.

We were wondering about you.

Brian and I have
been having a blast.

First we went to a symphony.

Then we saw
a small independent play
with real smoking in it.

And then we hit
the Quahog Book Festival
and went to a Q and A

to ask questions
that weren't
really questions.

Wow. Look at
my sophisticated
young man.

You're certainly taking
to Brian's example.

If anything, he's teaching me.

I mean, not really,
but you know.

See, I knew Brian
could put Chris on
the path to success.

Hey, Chris, let's celebrate.
There's a new baby
panda at the zoo.

How about you and me go
chuck tater tots at it?

Chuck them at Lois.
She'll just sit
there and take it.

Oh, Dad.

That would've been
fine for the old me,

but Brian and I
have to be going.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, we're off to see
an old movie
on a temporary screen

in a muddy, freezing park.

That sounds awful.

It is awful.

But at least parking
will be impossible. Bye!

Jeez, I feel like
I just lost my son.

Aw, I got a skin tag in
my crack and it stings
when I don't wipe right.

This has been a bad dinner.

There you two are.

Sit down and join us.
I can't stay, Mom.

Brian's showing me
all of his
favorite stuff to do.

Getting spooked when
the furnace goes on?

We're participating
in an autism walk.

Looks like you're
doing it right now.

And we may be gone for a while,

'cause after that,
we're going down
to the Civic Center.

Michael Ian Black is
cocking his eyebrows
for four hours.

He says
the things we
don't care to say.

Bye!

Man, I'm sick of
how much time Chris
is spending with Brian.

Probably smooching pickles,
'cause they're a couple
of pickle smoochers.

It's like he ain't
even my son no more,

doing all that
fancy-pants stuff.

Oh, Peter, I know you miss him,

but this is what
you wanted, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but
I didn't realize
bettering himself

meant blowing off his old man.

You know what?
The hell with this.
I want my son back.

Peter, relax.
Chris is just going
through a phase.

He'll grow out of it.

Just like you grew out
of your Walk Like
An Egyptian phase.

Paul was a good man.

A good friend.

I'll...

I'll always remember
how supportive he was when...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I can't, I can't...
I can't do this.

Check it out, Lois.

When Chris notices that
"World's Greatest Son" mug
I made,

he'll be back on board
with his old man in no time.

Hey, Chris, what's on the mug?

"World's Greatest Son."

This world only has one sun.

What kind of idiot
made this mug?

♪ When everything's
made to be broken

♪ I just want you
to know who I am ♪

♪ It might seem crazy
what I'm 'bout to say ♪

I'm very easily
influenced by music.

All right, Chris, now
I know you're all
sophisticated now,

but no man can
resist the siren call

of mentally-impaired
supermodel Kate Upton.

Mmm. Sorry, Dad.
I'm more of a
Catherine Keener man now.

But, Chris,
you got to
take advantage.

The clock's ticking
on Kate Upton.

She's almost at
the end of her window.

Yup, we missed it.

Come on, get out of here.

Sorry, Lois, I need the TV.

I gotta win my son back.

What are you
talking about, Peter?

Well, you know how
Brian's got Chris

watching all them
fancy foreign films now?

Well, I figure
I can lure Chris in

with this French movie,
Le Rocque Trois.

- Rocky!
- Adrienne!

- Rocky!
- Adrienne!

Oh, Clubber Lang.

Peter, this is pointless.

You wanted Chris to
be a better person
with a bright future,

and thanks to Brian,
that's what he has now.

Yeah, but I don't
even recognize Chris
these days.

And I never get to
spend time with him.

It's like Chris ain't
my friend no more.

Thanks for coming
to the Book Club
meeting, everyone.

Well, I gotta say,
I loved this week's book,

Annie Proulx's
The Shipping News.

Yes, yes! Yes.

Very Portnoy's Complaint.

I don't... What, uh,
what do you mean by that?

Oh, you know,
just with the port,
and the shipping.

And of course, in
Portnoy's Complaint,

you've got the guy
who's living
near the water.

That doesn't sound right.

And he hated
the noise from
the local port,

so he filed one
of the very first

port-noise complaints
in maritime law.

And for those of us
who read the
complaints, trust me,

they were very warranted.

Brian, can I talk
to you over here?

Oh! Let's dog-ear
this for a sec.

This one gets it.

Brian, what the hell
are you talking about?

You clearly haven't read
either of those books.

Whoa, Chris, now
you're starting to
sound like Mark Twain,

whose real name
was Samuel Clemens.

Oh, that is so your go-to!

I can't believe you.

I thought you
were this worldly,
sophisticated guy,

but you're just
a fraud, like Moses.

And the Lord's 11th Commandment,

"Moses gets to
be first in line
at the buffet."

What?
Oh, seriously?

I know, you guys,
it's so lame,
but that's what it says.

Why are you doing that?

Why are you
hucking tater tots
at a baby panda?

'Cause I'm oddly
attracted to him,
and it frightens me.

See, this is why
you're so great, Dad.

You don't pretend to
be someone you're not.

You do what you want,
and you don't care
what anyone thinks.

Well, I care what you think.

Look, Chris, you're
my kid, and I want
what's best for you,

but I guess I just don't
want you to become
too good for your old man.

Don't worry, Dad.
I could never be
too good for you

because you're the best.

And I wanna be
just like you
when I grow up.

Really?

Aw, thanks, Chris.

Tater tot?

It's fun, right?
Yeah!

And the mama panda
doesn't do anything about it,

because she
was blinded to make
her more submissive.

You're right.

You know, Chris,
all this started

'cause I was
feeling bad about
being a failure.

But you know what?
I got you for a son.

So maybe I did something right.

I love you, Dad.

Come on, Chris.

Let's go get an
$18 Coke at the
terrible zoo restaurant.

Yay! Sticky tables
covered in bees!

Coming up,
we'll tell you
where to look

when talking to
a coworker
in the bathroom.

The answer might surprise you.

Well, I think
we all learned
something today.

In other news,
TVs still make noise,

even when people resume
their conversations.

That's right, Peter.
Yes, studies
have determined...

And it's the most
important lesson.

That merely turning
your head and speaking...

Everyone should be who they are.

To your fat and gross
family members...

Success is being
true to yourself.
does not deactivate...

Amen, Mom.
A TV. How crazy is that?

But to have the love
of your family...
You actually...

that's true success.
Have to turn the TV off.

Or it'll keep on going.
Let's go ahead

and turn off the TV.
There we go.