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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:08,040
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,943
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:15,014
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,082 --> 00:00:18,350
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:21,503
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:23,254
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,323 --> 00:00:24,956
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:29,194
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:39,871
We now return to
The Autistic Postman
Always Rings 400 Times.
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00:00:45,562 --> 00:00:48,596
So, is everybody excited
for Father's Day on Sunday?
12
00:00:48,665 --> 00:00:52,000
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I always try to
avoid Father's Day now.
13
00:00:52,069 --> 00:00:54,281
Every year, I used
to take my dad
to the horse track.
14
00:00:54,305 --> 00:00:57,155
Now we just go
rooting around for
bargains at the mall.
15
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,225
Oh, this is
darling, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
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00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:02,305
Glenn, do you think
you'd see my bra
through this blouse?
17
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:03,739
I don't know.
Is it too sheer?
18
00:01:03,763 --> 00:01:04,941
I don't know what that means.
19
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:06,342
Glenn, do you think
it's too sheer?
20
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:07,999
I said I don't know!
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00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,279
Hey, Joe, you know,
come to think of it,
I've met Cleveland's dad.
22
00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:12,003
And my dog slept
with Quagmire's dad.
23
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,839
But I don't know
anything about your dad.
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00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,819
Yeah, is he still
with us or is he
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00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,787
living in Heaven
with Jesus Christ?
26
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,689
Ugh. Save that for
your black friends.
27
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:23,059
My dad's out there
somewhere but I haven't
spoken to him in years.
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00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,466
What, really?
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00:01:24,534 --> 00:01:26,079
Sorry, Cleveland,
that was mean of me.
30
00:01:26,103 --> 00:01:27,852
I already forgave you.
31
00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:30,021
But, Joe,
why haven't you
seen your dad?
32
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,491
Well, he's a good guy
but we just drifted apart.
33
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:33,659
It's no big deal.
34
00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:35,093
It's a very big deal.
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00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:37,162
My dad's a stinking drunk
who lives in Ireland
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00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,797
but you got
a perfectly good dad.
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00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:41,683
You can't waste that.
You got to call him
up for Father's Day.
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00:01:41,752 --> 00:01:44,185
Peter, I don't even
know where he is.
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00:01:44,254 --> 00:01:46,334
Who's ready for another beer?
40
00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,618
Hey, Cleveland, weren't
you supposed to
buy the next round?
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00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:51,002
That's a shame Joe
never sees his dad.
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00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,911
I know. Hey,
you know what?
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00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,714
Joe's our friend.
He should be with
his dad on Father's Day
44
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,382
and we're gonna track him down.
45
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,129
Yeah, that's a good idea, Peter.
46
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:00,752
Well, I like helping people out.
47
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,538
That's why I was
such a good
break-up rodeo clown.
48
00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:05,318
I'm just gonna go
ahead and tell you.
49
00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:07,119
I've been sleeping
with your sister.
50
00:02:07,143 --> 00:02:08,710
What?
Hey, now. Hey, now.
51
00:02:08,779 --> 00:02:11,339
Over here. Over here.
Over here. Hey, now.
Hey, now. Over here.
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00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,681
Over here. Hey, now.
Hey, now! Over here.
Over here.
53
00:02:17,121 --> 00:02:18,854
Oh, and now that
I'm inside the barrel,
54
00:02:18,922 --> 00:02:20,588
he gave you and your sister HPV.
55
00:02:25,195 --> 00:02:26,472
Hey, want to see something?
56
00:02:26,496 --> 00:02:28,630
Check out how hot
my last patient was.
57
00:02:28,699 --> 00:02:32,133
Oh. They look fake.
Yeah, who cares?
58
00:02:32,202 --> 00:02:34,302
Okay, according to
this projection,
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00:02:34,370 --> 00:02:36,738
Stewie's adult
height will be 5'1".
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00:02:36,807 --> 00:02:39,407
What?
5'1"?
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00:02:39,476 --> 00:02:41,877
Wow, Dr. Hartman,
that's really short.
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00:02:41,946 --> 00:02:45,391
I mean, I suppose
it's fine if he's
gonna die at 14.
63
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,427
Is there anything
on there about that?
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00:02:47,451 --> 00:02:48,984
Well, we learned
in medical school
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00:02:49,053 --> 00:02:50,485
that the short ones do go faster
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00:02:50,554 --> 00:02:52,565
because they smell
more farts than
the rest of us.
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00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,789
This is terrible!
I can't be short.
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00:02:54,858 --> 00:02:58,510
I'll be an outcast,
like Rudolph
the Uncircumcised Reindeer.
69
00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,323
Look, Rudolph,
it's not me, all right?
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00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,225
It's Dasher,
he's been complaining
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00:03:02,249 --> 00:03:04,494
and he is the one
who has to look
at it all night.
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00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:08,152
I don't know.
Mrs. Claus says it'll
decrease my sensitivity.
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00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:11,581
I'm sorry, why
are you talking to
my wife about this?
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00:03:15,579 --> 00:03:18,379
Okay, you guys, it's all set.
I found Joe's
dad on the Internet
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00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:20,649
and he just e-mailed me
to say he's coming tomorrow.
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00:03:20,717 --> 00:03:23,797
All right, great,
but remember, this is
a surprise for Joe.
77
00:03:23,821 --> 00:03:25,053
Why are you looking at me?
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00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,332
Because you're
terrible at
keeping secrets.
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00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:27,534
No, I'm not.
I'm great at it.
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00:03:27,558 --> 00:03:29,908
Like when I was an OB/GYN.
81
00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:32,789
Well, I got the results
of your ultrasound and
I got some news for you.
82
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:35,847
Wait, wait, wait.
We don't wanna know
if it's a boy or a girl.
83
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:39,584
Oh, okay. Well,
"it's" not breathing.
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00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:43,321
Hey, guys.
So, Joe,
big day tomorrow, huh?
85
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:47,258
Father's Day.
Gonna be home all day,
especially at 11:30 a.m.?
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00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,672
Peter.
What? I didn't say
anything about his dad.
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00:03:49,696 --> 00:03:51,663
My dad?
What about my dad?
88
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:55,800
Well, now that Quagmire
ruined the surprise,
we found your dad!
89
00:03:55,852 --> 00:03:57,118
You what?
90
00:03:57,187 --> 00:03:59,504
That's right. He's coming
tomorrow for Father's Day.
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00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:01,484
You shouldn't have
done that, Peter.
92
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:03,909
My father's not gonna
be happy to see me.
93
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,589
Sure he will.
Just get him one of
them Father's Day cards
94
00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:07,879
what plays a song.
95
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:10,282
Dad to the Bone.
I'm Dad.
96
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:13,196
Pretty much anything
with "bad,"
you turn it to "dad."
97
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,752
Wait, why wouldn't
your dad be happy?
98
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,621
What, is he a jerk or something?
99
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:19,502
No, it's just that
ever since
I was a little kid,
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00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:22,844
he was constantly
making fun of
handicapped people.
101
00:04:22,913 --> 00:04:25,530
Really?
Yeah, my whole life,
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00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,567
my dad would ridicule
anyone in a wheelchair.
103
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:33,037
It was all,
"Hey, spaghetti legs."
And, "Hey, rigatoni legs."
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00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:36,007
And, "Hey, angel-hair legs."
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00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,793
He was a sales
manager at Ronzoni.
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00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,372
Wow, then it must have been hard
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00:04:40,396 --> 00:04:42,697
for him to accept when
you were paralyzed.
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00:04:42,766 --> 00:04:45,912
That's just it.
My dad doesn't know
I'm handicapped.
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00:04:45,936 --> 00:04:47,585
I never told him.
110
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:52,607
I never...
I never told him!
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00:04:52,676 --> 00:04:56,244
Aw, Joe, don't cry.
It's gonna make
me cry.
112
00:04:56,312 --> 00:04:58,980
I cry like Snoopy.
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00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:09,540
I can't believe
you invited my father
without telling me.
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00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:12,422
You guys got to
get in touch with him
and tell him not to come.
115
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,790
It's too late, Joe,
he's already on his way.
He is?
116
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:18,483
Yeah, we got him
tickets on KAYAK. It is
a nightmare itinerary.
117
00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:20,671
It was, like, 80 bucks,
but he has four stops.
118
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,298
Two of them are in Houston.
119
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:25,841
What am I gonna do?
My dad has
no idea I'm paralyzed.
120
00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:28,009
Well, there's only
one thing we can do.
121
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:31,028
We'll just figure out
a way to hide your
handicap from your dad.
122
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:34,499
Hide the fact
that I can't walk?
Peter, that'll never work.
123
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:37,068
It's worth a try.
Come on, Joe,
don't be so negative.
124
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:38,616
You're like
a Boston fortune cookie.
125
00:05:40,657 --> 00:05:42,023
"I don't know, numbnuts.
126
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:45,626
"Maybe buy a garage
and fill it with
hockey equipment."
127
00:05:45,695 --> 00:05:48,663
Huh. Well, let's see what
my lucky numbers are.
128
00:05:48,731 --> 00:05:50,832
"Screw you, math dick."
129
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:52,860
Well, that wasn't
very helpful at all.
130
00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:01,704
Here you go, Stewie.
I know clothes shopping
always cheers you up.
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00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:04,696
I can't believe I'm
only going to be 5'1".
132
00:06:04,764 --> 00:06:06,242
Oh, come on, look at
the bright side.
133
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:08,378
You'll be in the front row
of every class picture.
134
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:09,745
Holding that little plaque.
135
00:06:09,769 --> 00:06:12,237
You suck. Why don't you go
drink out of the fountain?
136
00:06:12,306 --> 00:06:13,516
I'll text you when I'm done.
137
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,950
I know you're trying to be rude,
138
00:06:14,974 --> 00:06:18,174
but I am gonna
do that, because
I find it enjoyable.
139
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:23,259
Excuse me,
I was looking at this.
140
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:25,316
Sorry, I've made a decision
to go for that shirt
141
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,884
and when that happens, it is on.
142
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:28,553
Full throttle, man.
Pow!
143
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:30,633
Wow, you're
an energetic
little fellow.
144
00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:32,535
I guess your mommy
lets you drink
coffee, huh?
145
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:35,309
Whoa, whoa, I don't put
stimulants in my body.
146
00:06:35,378 --> 00:06:38,258
You know something?
You kind of
remind me of Tom Cruise.
147
00:06:38,414 --> 00:06:40,264
Boom!
148
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,833
You got me, man.
149
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:47,372
Wow, Tom Cruise!
You look, um, bigger
in the movies.
150
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,018
What are you doing here?
151
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,777
Oh, I get all my clothes
from out-of-the-way
toddler stores.
152
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,745
Ooh. You want
an animal cracker?
153
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,525
Sure, you got a lion in there?
154
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:59,518
Oh, no, I eat those first.
I believe eating
the lions gives me power.
155
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,387
Yeah, I hear you believe
in a lot of crazy stuff.
156
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,633
What'd you get there, a giraffe?
157
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:04,790
Yeah.
158
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,942
Good, good.
It's good for eyesight.
159
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,421
Well, you're certainly upbeat.
160
00:07:08,445 --> 00:07:10,290
Let me ask you,
doesn't it bother you
161
00:07:10,314 --> 00:07:12,125
being an adult man
who's that short?
162
00:07:12,149 --> 00:07:13,960
'Cause the doctor says
that's where I'm headed.
163
00:07:13,984 --> 00:07:17,352
Oh, no way, man.
The middle of the
word "short" is "or."
164
00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:21,639
"Or" gives you a choice.
And I choose
not to be short.
165
00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:23,758
Wow, you need
a road map for that one.
166
00:07:23,827 --> 00:07:25,972
Hey, hey, I'll tell
you what. You spend
the day with me,
167
00:07:25,996 --> 00:07:27,696
you'll see how
great it is to be short.
168
00:07:27,764 --> 00:07:29,998
You'll feel like you're
discovering a new world.
169
00:07:30,067 --> 00:07:31,944
And you know what's
in the middle of
the word "world"?
170
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:33,702
Um... "Or"?
171
00:07:33,770 --> 00:07:36,771
Yes! The dots
have appeared, man,
let's connect them!
172
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:40,425
You're a weirdo
but let's do this.
173
00:07:44,581 --> 00:07:45,992
All right, check it out, Bonnie.
174
00:07:46,016 --> 00:07:47,910
This is how we're
gonna fool Joe's dad.
175
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:49,567
Oh, my God.
176
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,102
Yeah, looks real, right?
177
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,416
I put this pair of pants
on the front
legs of this horse
178
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,984
and strapped Joe
to the front with
179
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,552
his legs tied behind
the horse's neck.
180
00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:59,477
And then we put
Cinnamon's head up
the back of Joe's shirt
181
00:07:59,546 --> 00:08:01,758
and simply hid the
rest of the horse
behind this curtain.
182
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:04,827
His breath is very moist, Peter.
183
00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:07,496
And to induce movement,
I'm gonna snap
the horse's balls
184
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,520
with this dampened
kitchen towel.
185
00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:11,768
Ah! Oh, my God!
186
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:12,835
Holy crap, he's out of control!
187
00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:14,275
Does it look real?
188
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,980
Plan B! Plan B!
189
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,155
Peter, I'm afraid
this is hopeless.
190
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,879
Look, I don't know
what else to do.
191
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:36,259
I mean, we're not gonna
come up with something
better than the horse.
192
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,594
Yeah, I guess you're
just gonna have
to tell your dad
193
00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:39,985
about your handicap.
194
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,586
I can't do that.
195
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:44,716
If you guys
were in my shoes,
you'd understand.
196
00:08:44,740 --> 00:08:48,509
Wait a minute, that's it!
I will get in your shoes.
197
00:08:48,578 --> 00:08:50,277
I'll just pretend to be you.
198
00:08:50,346 --> 00:08:52,959
I mean, your dad
ain't seen you in years.
He won't know the difference.
199
00:08:52,983 --> 00:08:54,649
What? That's crazy.
200
00:08:56,085 --> 00:09:00,021
Boy, that was a close call.
Is some of this room cold?
201
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,572
All right, Peter, almost done.
202
00:09:08,532 --> 00:09:09,964
Huh? Huh?
203
00:09:10,033 --> 00:09:11,566
Uh, kind of.
Yeah.
204
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:13,118
I don't care.
205
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:16,032
Peter, I don't know
about this. It seems
like a bad idea.
206
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,356
Look, Lois, Joe is
one of my
best friends, all right?
207
00:09:18,424 --> 00:09:20,091
I'm only doing this to help him.
208
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,127
Besides, wait till
you hear my Joe voice.
209
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:25,163
Oh, God, I hate
being stuck in this chair.
210
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,176
No, Peter, that fights it.
211
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,045
Plus, there's also
a lot of personal stuff
212
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,014
about me that only
my dad would know.
213
00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:33,604
Relax, Joe, we just
got to fool him
for a couple days.
214
00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:35,833
And besides, Bonnie's been
coaching me all afternoon.
215
00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:37,842
You went to
William Windsor
Elementary School.
216
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,677
Your favorite pie is rhubarb.
217
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,413
And... And, uh...
218
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:43,781
Oh, man, I'm drawing a blank.
219
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:46,095
No, no. That's all
there is, you got it.
220
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,602
♪ Oh, yeah
221
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,238
♪ Mr. Big Stuff
222
00:09:51,874 --> 00:09:53,974
♪ Who do you think you are
223
00:09:54,043 --> 00:09:55,476
♪ Mr. Big Stuff
224
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,880
♪ You're never
gonna get my love
225
00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:02,133
♪ Now because you wear
226
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,201
♪ All those fancy clothes
227
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:05,586
♪ Oh, yeah
228
00:10:05,655 --> 00:10:09,323
♪ And have a big fine car
Oh, yes, you do now
229
00:10:09,392 --> 00:10:11,910
♪ Do you think I can afford
230
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:14,162
♪ To give you my love
231
00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:15,596
♪ Oh, yeah
232
00:10:15,665 --> 00:10:18,966
♪ You think you're higher
than every star above
233
00:10:19,636 --> 00:10:21,019
♪ Mr. Big Stuff
234
00:10:22,739 --> 00:10:24,705
♪ Who do you think you are?
235
00:10:24,774 --> 00:10:26,274
♪ Mr. Big Stuff
236
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,844
♪ You're never gonna
make me cry
237
00:10:29,913 --> 00:10:31,312
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
238
00:10:35,818 --> 00:10:37,852
That's Bud.
Are you ready, Peter?
239
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,333
I think so.
What do you think,
acting coach?
240
00:10:40,357 --> 00:10:43,625
I think you will
be exemplary, Peter.
241
00:10:43,693 --> 00:10:46,093
All good acting coaches
are insane old ladies.
242
00:10:46,162 --> 00:10:47,311
Emote!
243
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:51,082
Hi, Bud.
244
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,536
Hi, Joe's dad.
I mean, Dad. Joe...
I'm Joe. You're my dad.
245
00:10:54,604 --> 00:10:57,605
Joe? Wow, I guess
it really has
been a long time.
246
00:10:57,674 --> 00:11:00,875
I barely recognize you.
Put on a little weight,
haven't you?
247
00:11:00,944 --> 00:11:02,755
Well, I could say
the same for you.
248
00:11:04,781 --> 00:11:06,726
Sometimes I don't
understand
why people laugh.
249
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,550
Hey, what do you say
we grab some dinner.
250
00:11:08,618 --> 00:11:11,052
And I'll spend a lot
of time telling you
a nonsense story
251
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,821
where the date is
really important
for some reason.
252
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:18,058
So, I'm there with Mark.
Must've been
May 5th, 1959.
253
00:11:18,127 --> 00:11:19,405
No, no, no, couldn't
have been May.
254
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:20,640
I wasn't with your mother then.
255
00:11:20,664 --> 00:11:22,074
But it was after college.
256
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,009
Or it could've
been during the time
we took a break.
257
00:11:24,033 --> 00:11:25,966
No, no, no,
because I hadn't met...
258
00:11:26,035 --> 00:11:29,114
Had I met Ron yet?
I was driving a Chrysler
then, I know that.
259
00:11:29,138 --> 00:11:30,338
It could've been July.
260
00:11:30,407 --> 00:11:31,773
Pick a date, any date!
261
00:11:31,841 --> 00:11:33,240
I will believe you!
262
00:11:33,310 --> 00:11:34,420
September 7th.
263
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,161
No, that's not sounding right.
264
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,180
All right, everyone in the car.
265
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,113
We got a Father's Day
dinner reservation.
266
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,903
Why is Mr. Swanson
coming?
267
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:47,816
And why is he dressed like Dad?
268
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,307
I don't know, kids.
269
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:52,616
I stopped asking
after your father
said he shot a horse.
270
00:11:57,033 --> 00:11:58,599
Thanks for the ride-along.
271
00:11:58,668 --> 00:12:00,946
I liked when you
sentenced those two girls
to kiss each other.
272
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,516
Yeah, all girls are
lesbians when you
point a gun at them.
273
00:12:03,540 --> 00:12:05,873
Boy, it's been great
spending time
with you, son.
274
00:12:05,942 --> 00:12:09,344
It's been great spending
time with you, too, Dad.
275
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,431
Oh, this'll be fun.
276
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,843
Let's see how long it takes them
277
00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:16,845
to get Gumby over
there into the car.
278
00:12:16,869 --> 00:12:18,581
Yeah, that's our
neighbor,
Peter Griffin.
279
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,238
That's the guy who e-mailed me?
280
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:23,208
Huh. No wonder
it was all caps
with tons of typos.
281
00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:24,442
He's a water head, right?
282
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:25,688
Yeah, he's a mess.
283
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,678
Look at his ugly kids.
Pathetic.
284
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:32,449
He's not fitting. Just
put some of him in
the back like skis.
285
00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:39,736
Hey, Stewie.
What's up?
286
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,105
When you say it like
that, you sound just
like Tom Cruise.
287
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,172
What?
Oh, yeah,
288
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:44,707
I've been hanging
with Tom Cruise.
289
00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:46,371
You've been hanging
out with Tom Cruise?
290
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,611
Sure have. We spent
the whole day together
291
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:51,380
and he showed me there's
a lot of advantages
to being short.
292
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:54,139
Oh, yeah? Like what?
You're the last one
to get wet when it rains?
293
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:57,686
Well, yeah, that.
And you can chow
pie standing up.
294
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,122
We didn't do any of
that but the point is,
295
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,923
I'm at peace with being short.
296
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,313
Full throttle, man! Pow!
297
00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:07,302
Hello? Oh, hi,
Dr. Hartman.
298
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,014
Mrs. Griffin, I have
some good news.
299
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,606
Turns out your son is
going to be normal height.
300
00:13:11,675 --> 00:13:13,608
I read his chart
wrong yesterday.
301
00:13:13,677 --> 00:13:16,377
Apparently,
I have something
called "dislooxia"?
302
00:13:17,414 --> 00:13:18,779
That was the doctor.
303
00:13:18,848 --> 00:13:21,544
Apparently,
Stewie's not gonna
be short after all.
304
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:24,485
What? Really?
That's wonderful news!
305
00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:27,989
Oh, I'm so relieved
my child is spared
some heartache.
306
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,623
Now, come on, Brian,
307
00:13:29,692 --> 00:13:32,812
I guess we should
try to make it over
to Meg's birthday party.
308
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:36,692
Could I have some bread
while I open my presents?
309
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:39,600
At this point,
we're gonna have to start
charging you for the bread.
310
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,621
Hey, Stewie!
You want to check out
311
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,168
the go-kart I used
in Days of Thunder?
312
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:49,227
Yeah, listen, um...
I just found out I'm
actually going to be tall,
313
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:51,640
so I'm no longer
comfortable hanging out
with someone
314
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,609
whose teeth are
bigger than
their fingers.
315
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,967
What? That's...
That's barely true.
316
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:57,646
Yeah, so...
See you later.
317
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,403
You are making
a big mistake, Stewie!
318
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:02,840
Nobody walks away
from Tiny Tom Cruise!
319
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:04,553
Yeah, except for all
three of your wives.
320
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,588
Okay, I'm shutting this now.
321
00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:08,279
Okay, so... Bye!
322
00:14:13,135 --> 00:14:16,437
So now, since I switched
to disposable catheters,
323
00:14:16,506 --> 00:14:19,907
I no longer
have those beet-red
infections in my urethra.
324
00:14:19,975 --> 00:14:22,175
Oh, no. I hope
it's not genetic.
325
00:14:22,211 --> 00:14:23,722
Chris, he's not our dad.
326
00:14:23,746 --> 00:14:25,906
I can't keep up with this ruse.
327
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,448
Hey, everybody!
328
00:14:27,517 --> 00:14:28,994
Peter, finally, you're home.
329
00:14:29,018 --> 00:14:30,968
How's it going over
there with my dad?
330
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,736
Awesome. He fell
for the whole thing.
331
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,571
In fact, we've been
having a great time!
332
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,252
Wow, that's terrific, Peter!
333
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,653
You'll only
have to pull it off
for a few more hours.
334
00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:41,523
Then he'll be on
a plane tomorrow
and I can go home.
335
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,147
Oh, that's the other good news.
336
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,017
Bud's not leaving!
I told him he can move in
with me and Bonnie.
337
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:48,319
What?
Peter, this is crazy.
338
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,887
No, it's gonna work out fine.
339
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:52,323
Oh, and remember,
Joe, if Lois is
feeling frisky at night,
340
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,192
it's index finger
around and clockwise.
341
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:57,779
And just keep
doing that to yourself
until you're good to go.
342
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,386
Peter, this is ridiculous.
343
00:15:05,455 --> 00:15:08,656
You can't live in
my house with my
dad and my family!
344
00:15:08,724 --> 00:15:11,125
Your dad got me
super clean in the tub.
345
00:15:11,194 --> 00:15:14,306
Joe's right, this
is idiotic. What
are you thinking?
346
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,407
I'll tell you what I'm thinking.
347
00:15:15,431 --> 00:15:17,143
I'm thinking that
I've had two dads
348
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,595
and neither one
cared for me
as much as Bud does.
349
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:22,665
Peter, I've had enough
of this. You can't
just take my dad!
350
00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,021
Well, he's right next door.
351
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,289
Nothing's stopping you
352
00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:26,969
from going over there
and telling him the truth.
353
00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:29,393
That his son is
a paraplegic who's
stuck in a wheelchair.
354
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:30,873
You know I can't do that.
355
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:34,599
Suit yourself.
But I got to go.
Me and Bud are having a blast.
356
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,970
I'm sorry, Joe.
Are you okay?
357
00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:41,238
Not really.
I'll be honest, Lois.
358
00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:43,691
This hurts.
Hurts like the Dickens.
359
00:15:43,759 --> 00:15:45,704
I've finished my latest novel.
360
00:15:45,728 --> 00:15:47,595
Splendid, Charles.
What is it called?
361
00:15:47,664 --> 00:15:49,063
Oliver Nipple-Twist.
362
00:15:49,131 --> 00:15:51,566
Ow! Oh, Charles,
you bastard!
363
00:15:51,634 --> 00:15:54,535
Yeah! The Dickens!
It hurts like the me!
364
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:04,089
So, anyone going to
the gerbil's
funeral on Friday?
365
00:16:04,113 --> 00:16:07,064
Okay, kids.
Everyone in a circle
for parachute time.
366
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,300
Oh, goodie,
I love parachute time!
367
00:16:12,622 --> 00:16:14,087
Wee!
368
00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:16,090
Wee!
369
00:16:17,026 --> 00:16:19,193
Wee!
370
00:16:19,262 --> 00:16:22,324
What the hell?
That kid looked like
Tiny Tom Cruise.
371
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:24,198
Wee!
372
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:26,347
Huh. Must've been
my imagination.
373
00:16:27,670 --> 00:16:30,182
If you think you're
getting away from me,
374
00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:32,272
you've got a crazy
laugh coming, friend.
375
00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:46,114
Hey, what are you
doing home so early?
376
00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:48,166
He's following me, Brian!
Who's following you?
377
00:16:48,190 --> 00:16:50,891
Tom Cruise!
I spend one afternoon
with the guy
378
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:54,028
and it's like I signed
an eight-year contract to
show up at events with him
379
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:55,980
and let him fake-father a child.
380
00:16:56,048 --> 00:16:57,526
Stewie, I would think Tom Cruise
381
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,578
has better things to do
than follow you around.
382
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,518
Oh, really?
Well, explain that!
383
00:17:09,312 --> 00:17:11,457
You know, it's times
like this where I think,
384
00:17:11,481 --> 00:17:13,358
if I didn't talk and
you were a normal baby,
385
00:17:13,382 --> 00:17:15,194
we wouldn't have
any of these problems.
386
00:17:15,218 --> 00:17:16,628
You got to help me
get rid of him, Brian!
387
00:17:16,652 --> 00:17:18,352
He's creepier than
that guy at the gym
388
00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:20,020
who just does
karate in the mirror.
389
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:25,709
It's me. The guy's me.
I'm a gym karate creep.
390
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,114
I'm pretty good, too.
391
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:32,900
But relax.
If I wanted you dead,
you'd be dead.
392
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,268
Hey, Dad,
what do you say
we go play catch?
393
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:40,669
And throw me some divers.
394
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:43,105
I want to get
grass stains on
my school slacks.
395
00:17:43,129 --> 00:17:44,995
What? You're a grown man.
396
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,342
I know, it's just so
great having a dad.
397
00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:49,934
Well, it's nice having
reconnected with you, too.
398
00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:51,282
All right, let's do it.
399
00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:00,043
Oh, for God's sake.
400
00:18:00,112 --> 00:18:01,890
See, a guy like that
should just stay inside
401
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,581
so we don't have to look at him.
402
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:06,083
Joe, go over there
and tell him to
get back in his house.
403
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:08,192
Don't worry,
I'll take care of it.
404
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:11,122
Joe, you got to go inside.
You're upsetting my dad.
405
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:12,867
Your dad?
That's right!
406
00:18:12,891 --> 00:18:16,143
He loves me in a way that...
Oh, you guys had pizza?
407
00:18:16,212 --> 00:18:19,241
Screw you, Peter!
You know what?
This is over!
408
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:22,500
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not a chance.
I like your house better.
409
00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:24,602
I got nothing to hold onto
when I poop at home.
410
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:27,204
You have no idea
how many shower curtains
I've ripped down.
411
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,472
Now get inside.
412
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:29,985
No, I'm not gonna do that.
413
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:31,108
Oh, yes, you are!
414
00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:33,544
Get away from me,
you son of a bitch!
415
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,613
Ow! What the hell?
416
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:37,315
Joe, don't take that from him!
417
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:43,770
How do you like that?
You're getting your
ass kicked by a cripple!
418
00:18:43,839 --> 00:18:46,657
A helpless,
spaghetti-legged cripple!
419
00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:48,426
What are you doing?
You're my son!
420
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:52,013
You can't let
yourself get beat up
by a guy in a wheelchair!
421
00:18:52,081 --> 00:18:55,099
Your son is a guy
in a wheelchair.
422
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,768
What are you talking about?
423
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:06,744
Yes. Yes, Dad. It's me.
424
00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:11,549
Joe! What the hell
happened to you?
425
00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:13,857
I was shot in the line of duty.
426
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,653
"Line of duty."
427
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:18,755
So, this is why
you haven't called me
in all these years?
428
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,226
How could I, Dad?
You always made fun
of handicapped people.
429
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:25,412
The only thing I never
understood was why?
430
00:19:25,481 --> 00:19:26,981
I don't know.
431
00:19:27,050 --> 00:19:28,650
I guess I could
never stand the thought
432
00:19:28,684 --> 00:19:30,229
of something like
that happening to me.
433
00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,087
Or even worse,
to someone
that I care about.
434
00:19:33,156 --> 00:19:35,301
One time, my legs fell
asleep on the toilet.
435
00:19:35,325 --> 00:19:36,802
I had to crawl
into the living room
436
00:19:36,826 --> 00:19:38,503
and interrupt Lois's book club.
437
00:19:38,527 --> 00:19:40,739
That was one of
the shower curtains
I ripped down.
438
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:43,430
And I suppose,
deep down, I was afraid.
439
00:19:43,499 --> 00:19:46,683
Afraid that if it did
happen, I wouldn't be
strong enough to handle it.
440
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:48,986
Well, Dad, I can
tell you from experience
441
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,788
it's only when your
worst fears come true
442
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:55,042
that you get to find out
how strong you really are.
443
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:57,445
Then I guess I've got
some learning to do.
444
00:19:57,513 --> 00:19:59,179
I love you, son.
445
00:19:59,248 --> 00:20:01,488
I love you, too, Dad.
I love you, too, Dad.
446
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:07,415
Hey, Joe, uh, just one question.
447
00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:09,551
Why do you have all those
Wizard of Oz plates?
448
00:20:09,575 --> 00:20:11,320
Because if I finish
my vegetables,
449
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,104
I get to see
the Yellow Brick Road.
450
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,200
All right, you sold me.
451
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:22,336
All right, Brian.
Tiny Tom Cruise
is somewhere close.
452
00:20:22,405 --> 00:20:24,205
I can sense his manic energy.
453
00:20:24,273 --> 00:20:26,707
You remember the plan?
Yup, I got it.
454
00:20:26,775 --> 00:20:29,477
Help, help! My dog
got off his leash!
455
00:20:29,545 --> 00:20:32,046
Is there anyone
who can do
a pumpy-arm run?
456
00:20:34,083 --> 00:20:36,600
Running, running, running, run!
457
00:20:36,668 --> 00:20:39,336
Hey, Stewie.
I'm here to help you
for the next billion years.
458
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,515
All right, good to know.
459
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:42,117
Anyway, my dog ran
around those bushes.
460
00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:43,507
I am on it!
461
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:45,342
Gotcha!
462
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:48,779
All right, off to
Zappos with him.
463
00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:50,158
You sure this is gonna work?
464
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:51,559
Oh, yeah. They'll
accept any returns.
465
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:52,983
We don't even
have to pay postage.
466
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:58,989
Hello, friend.
Your life is
about to change.
467
00:20:59,058 --> 00:21:01,418
Hey, Tom. It's been
a couple of weeks.
468
00:21:06,248 --> 00:21:09,550
Hey, listen, Joe.
I'm sorry I treated
you like such a jerk.
469
00:21:09,618 --> 00:21:11,029
Well, that's okay, Peter.
470
00:21:11,053 --> 00:21:13,799
In fact, I got to say,
it was a nice
thing you did.
471
00:21:13,823 --> 00:21:17,324
I'm glad I reconnected
with my dad after
all these years.
472
00:21:17,393 --> 00:21:18,892
It was my pleasure.
473
00:21:18,961 --> 00:21:20,994
There's no more
important
relationship than...
474
00:21:21,063 --> 00:21:23,731
I'm sorry, Cleveland,
what the hell is that
Toronto Raptors hat?
475
00:21:23,799 --> 00:21:25,644
It was my Father's Day present.
476
00:21:25,668 --> 00:21:29,370
I hate it. I'm just
gonna wear it for a week,
then say I lost it.
477
00:21:29,438 --> 00:21:31,282
Anyway, thanks for
helping me, Peter.
478
00:21:31,306 --> 00:21:33,240
Yeah, it all worked out
great, Joe.
479
00:21:33,308 --> 00:21:35,609
Except I am still missing
that one pair of pants.
480
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:47,237
Excuse me, are those
Bugle Boy jeans?
38264
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