All language subtitles for Family Guy - S10E18 - You Can t Do That on Television, Peter-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

- Need to move?
- No problem.

Take it yourself with U-Haul.

But I've never
driven a truck before.

No problem.
U-Haul lets anyone
drive a giant truck

even though it's dangerous,

because, hey, you're moving.

Sorry, I'm making
a go of it in a new city.

All right, I'll see you guys
in a couple of days.

Where are you going?

I'm off to take pictures
of lesbian butts.

What?
Joe and Quagmire and I

are making a
coffee table book called
Lesbian Butts in '80s Jeans.

I already got
the first chapter
right here.

Where'd you
take all these pictures?

You know, coffee houses,

Chevy dealerships,
all the usual places.

Peter, you're not doing that.

I got a ton of errands to run,
and I need
your help around here.

Well, fine,
if I can't do the book,

I'm gonna hurt
something you love.

You happy now?

Maybe we should discuss this
in the other room.

I don't like fighting
in front of the kids.

No, I want to fight
in front of the kids.

I feed off
the excitement
of an audience.

Peter, for once,
you're going to stay here
and help around the house.

Now, I need you
to watch Stewie
till I get back.

Whoever did this, thank you.

All right, Stewie,
since Lois says I got
to keep an eye on you,

we might as well have
some father-son time.

So I'm gonna measure your penis

and then I'm gonna
measure my penis,

and we're gonna see
whose is bigger.

Doesn't really seem fair.

All right,
let's see what you got.

Stupid game anyway.

Hey, kids, coming up next,

it's the
Jolly Farm Revue marathon.

No, no, don't switch it.
I want to watch Jolly Farm.

Son of a bitch.
I got to spend
the rest of the day

watching stupid kid shows.

I'd rather watch paint dry.

Nice.

Wakey, wakey.

Good morning, Mother Maggie.

Huh, who's this?
I like this lady.

Hey, do you think
Mother Maggie
is married to Father...

Oh, probably not.

And the unicorn slid
down the rainbow

to a field of jellybeans

where she and
the other villagers

decided it had been
the best day ever.

Oh, look, it's Pengrove Pig,

and he's sharing his apples
nicely, isn't he?

Like a champ he is.

♪ Head, shoulders,
knees and toes
Knees and toes ♪

And that's how you make a duck
out of an oatmeal container.

This is the greatest show
in the history of television.

Mother Maggie,
you are a kindred spirit.

This must be how twins
who were separated at birth

feel when they first meet.

Trade house keys,
bang each other's wives?

Yep.

I can't dissect this pig,
Mr. Kingman.

It's against my religion.

Believe me, Neil, it's no thrill

for the pig to
touch a Jew either.

Okay, how about you, Meg,
how are you doing?

Pretty good.

It's kind of cool cutting
something that's not me.

Wow, that's some
very impressive work.

It's easy for Meg
to dissect a pig

because she is a pig.

Hey!

All right,
I'll let that one slide.

Meg, you have
some real potential.

Have you ever thought
about becoming a doctor
when you grow up?

I always just assumed
I'd work on the docks.

Don't limit yourself, Meg.

Doctors wear a mask
most of the time.

So this isn't an issue.

If you're interested,
the school has a program

where you can shadow
a real doctor

and learn more
about the medical field.

Yeah, wow, I'd love
to check that out.

Great, I'll set it up.

I didn't know a pig
could be a doctor.

Hey! You get just
a few more of those.

Now, children,
we're going to learn
who wears a hat.

Can a fireman wear a hat?

- No?
- Yes.

Yes.
Can a policeman
wear a hat?

- No way.
- Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.
Yes, he can, I knew that.

Now, you at home, tell me,
who else wears a hat?

A very formal horse?

Very good.

Even a bowling ball
can wear a hat

if you use your imagination.

A bowling ball wearing a hat?

This is what high-def
was invented for.

Peter, what the hell
are you doing?

Being a good dad like you asked.

I've been watching
Jolly Farm with Stewie
for the last three hours.

That's not Stewie,
that's a pineapple.

Oh, my God, where is Stewie?

I don't know,
but I'm sure he's fine.

Peter, he's a baby.

You can't leave him alone.

Come on, it's good
to have some alone time.

You know, I spent
a year alone
on a desert island

with nothing but a monkey
to keep me company.

You're saved, sir.
We're going to get you
back to civilization.

And how about
we bring along
your monkey pal?

Okay.

Yeah, we can teach
him sign language,

and he can tell us
stories about what

you two did on
the island together.

No, no, no, no, let's...
Let's not...
Let's not bring the monkey.

Um, I have
a peanut M&M
up my nose,

and it's now further up
than my finger can reach.

I am ready to farm
this out to someone.

Oh, Stewie, there you are.

Peter, I asked you
to do one simple thing.

Watch the baby.
And you couldn't
even do that.

Come on, Stewie.

Jeez, why's she
got to be such a nag?

I wish she was more
like Mother Maggie.

Mother Maggie has
an announcement,
lads and lasses.

I've had such fun
playing and learning
with you these last few years,

but now, just as bees
must leave the hive,

I must leave Jolly Farm.

Not that you asked,
but to have
fertility treatments.

So this will be
our last episode
of Jolly Farm.

What? No.

They can't cancel Jolly Farm.

Peter, it's just
a stupid kids' show.

Just a stupid kids' show?

What about Pengrove Pig
and the Lollipop Luau?

Uh, I don't know.

This is going to leave a void,

and somebody's got to fill it.

I think you're overreacting.

You don't understand, Brian.

What am I supposed to do
without Jolly Farm?

I'll be like
an Italian mom
without bad kids.

Hey, hey, hey, what the hell
is all the commotion in here?

We're not doing anything.

You getting fresh with me?

I'm tired of
bailing both of yous
out of prison.

We're both in college,
and we consistently
make the Dean's List.

I'm telling your father.

Good.

Where the hell is our food?

Yeah, where are Mom and Dad?

And where's that
awesome finger painting

Stewie did this morning?
Oh! Here it is.

Thank you for bringing it up.
I wasn't going to bring it up.

Well, what's going on?
You haven't eaten yet?

No.
Where's your father?

He was supposed to put
the lasagna in the oven.

Ugh! I ask him to do one
thing while I'm at yoga.

You go to an intro class,

and it's not even
at the yoga studio.

It's in someone's living room.

And that's not even a yoga mat.

That's the old
pee pad from my crib.

Uh, Lois, you might
want to check this out.

What is it, Brian?
Take a look.

And now, boys and girls,

it's time for Petey's Funhouse.

♪ It's gonna be fun
and we'll have lots of yuks

♪ And maybe learn some stuff
but not definitely

♪ It's
the Petey's Funhouse show ♪

Ugh, another Aaron Sorkin show
that's way over
everyone's head.

How the hell did you
even get a TV show, Peter?

I just answered
an ad off Craigslist,

and after several hours
of sexual torture,
I had a show.

Don't answer that.
I gave out that
number under duress.

Lois, Peter's show
is on the local
public access channel.

Anyone can have one.

Yeah, Petey's Funhouse

is actually replacing
The Bad Audio Basement Show.

And once the hot glue dries,

your birdhouse will be complete.

Peter, you already
do nothing
around the house,

and now you're wasting
more time with this nonsense.

Geez, you're still
getting on my hump
about this?

I help out around here.

Just this morning
I changed Meg's diaper

and I sent her off to school.

Boy, can she kick,
but she left here spotless.

Dr. Hartman,
thanks for letting me
shadow you.

I just know I'm
going to learn so much.

Ah! It's my pleasure, Meg,
and you're in good hands.

You see that diploma?
Yale Medical School.

Wow, that's impressive.

Thank you,
I work very hard
on my calligraphy.

So, how about we take
a little stroll
around the hospital?

This area is known as a hallway.

Don't worry,
you'll pick up on all

the technical doctor
jargon pretty soon.

Hey, is it prescription
or perscription?

I think it's prescription.

Prescription...
That just feels
weird in my mouth.

Perscription is better.

Oh, and there's the ER.

Don't go in there
unless you want
everyone to yell at you.

Hi, kids, I'm Petey Griffin.

Hi, Petey!

We're going to
have so much fun
on Petey's Funhouse today,

but before we begin,

your friend Petey
wants to sing you a song.

♪ What makes you so special?

♪ The fact that
you are special

♪ But if everybody's special

♪ That kinda waters it down

♪ So some of you
ain't special

♪ I can tell you
who is special

♪ Like you and you
ain't special ♪

And you are and you're not.

Okay, kids,
it's story time here
on Petey's Funhouse.

Today's story is
Lesbian Butts in '80s Jeans.

Oh, that's a classic.

"Once upon a time,
some chick
in a leather jacket

"in front of me
in the parking lot

"walked into Home Depot,

"and her butt
looked like this."

Everybody see this?

Everybody see how
shapeless this is?

She walked out of there
with a bag of soil
on each shoulder.

Now, before I show
you this next one,

has anyone here ever heard of
the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally?

I know we have a lot of yuks
here on Petey's Funhouse,

but one thing that's
not fun is a bully.

Now, how many of
you kids out there
have ever gotten bullied?

Aw, come on up here
and tell us about it, champ.

Well, my name is Winston,

and I'm quite fond of ballet.

One time, I tried out
for Little League
in my ballet shoes,

and the other kids
made so much fun of me,

I wet my pants.

What, wait, what, like pee?

How old were you?
Eight.

Ah! Too old! Too old
to be peeing yourself,
Baby Pee Pants.

All right, you kids
finish him off.

Hey, what do you got there?

Oh, I'm just playing
with some Lee Logs.

What the hell are Lee Logs?

A little something
I created. Lee Logs.

Robert E. Lee.
You know, you got

Lincoln Logs, you got Lee Logs.

I don't get it,
can you build a house?

You can build quarters.

And people live there?

They live there if you
tell 'em to live there.

I don't know if I like
the idea of Lee Logs.

Yeah, they're not
selling very well.

Peter, dinner!

No dinner for me tonight, Lois.

I have to go work on a bit
for tomorrow's show.

If I can kill
25 butterflies
in a minute,

I won't have to show
the audience my balls.

Peter, this is
the fourth night
in a row

you've skipped out on us
to work on your show.

Once again,
I'm gonna be stuck
cleaning up the kitchen,

helping out with homework,
and bathing Stewie.

You know,
I'd lay off the nagging
if I was you.

I'm a children's TV star now.

I can have any
three-year-old girl I want.
Just know that, Lois.

Peter, I'm only asking
you to do your share.

Well, it's getting on my nerves.

Like, right now,
you are the most
annoying thing in my life,

with the possible
exception of Evite.

What's this?

It's this website you can use
to invite people to stuff.

Does it have to be
a significant event?

No. Not at all!

Well, do you just
get the invitation,
and that's the end of it?

No, it'll remind you
about it constantly!

Is there any way
I can customize this

to showcase my personality
through familiar clip art?

Yes!

And what about those replying?

Can they demonstrate
their sense of humor
through hilarious replies?

Yes, yes, yes to
everything you're saying!

I'm so excited to get started!

You do that while I
jump out this window!

Evite.
Tell a friend
and then kill yourself.

And then when you
get a little older,
stuff will come out.

Uh-oh, sounds like my cranky
new neighbor just got home.

I hope she
doesn't come over here
and give me the business.

Peter!

Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy.

Never mind with "hi!"

It sounds like
someone's having
fun over here!

You know I don't like that!

Hey, kids.
Meet Saggy Naggy.

Real nice lady, huh?

No!

What can I do for you,
Saggy Naggy?

You can stop having fun!

But we like fun, don't we, kids?

Yes!

Well, too bad,

'cause you're all
gonna eat your vegetables,

listen to long stories
about my cousins,

and help me fold sheets!

And you!
You're gonna help
around the house,

take out the garbage,

and give Stewie his bottle!

Yeah, I heard it.

They say my name
on TV all the time.
Calm down, bitch.

Make me dinner,
and go rent Twilight,

and do mouth stuff on me,

even though it's been
a day-and-a-half
since I've showered,

and I've used
several public bathrooms
in the interim!

Sounds like this could go on
for a while, kids.

Hey, Saggy Naggy,
I know what'll cheer you up.

Do you like pie?

I guess.

Well, how does this taste?

Well, I guess she thought it was

a no-pies-in-the-face
kind of neighborhood.

Wrong assessment
of the neighborhood,
sweetheart!

And how are you today,

Mr... Pa-ti-ent?

My last name is Saunders.

That's an interesting
pronunciation.

This is Meg,
she's shadowing me today.

And boy, could she
put the applesauce away
in the commissary.

Hi.
Little tip, Meg,

the inside of this folder
has a diagram of
the human body.

Kind of a cheat sheet.

Now, see, right now,
I'm listening for cancer.

Do you mean his heartbeat?

Maybe. Here, you take a turn.

Wow, your heartbeat
sounds a little fast.

Do you smoke?
Actually, I do.

Ah! Me, too.
Isn't it great?

Well, that's bad for you.
You shouldn't do it.

It raises your heart rate
and can lead to
emphysema or cancer.

That's impressive, Meg.

It's no big deal.
It's just stuff I
learned in health class.

Well, you're clearly
a bright young lady.

And you've got quite a...

Head on your...

Shoulders.

Thanks.

Dr. Hartman, you just
got this urgent message.

Oh, dear. Prilosec, huh?

No, it's below that.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Meg, I'm afraid my brother
just tried to kill
himself in prison.

I have to go.

You're gonna
have to take things
from here, I guess.

What?
What are you
talking about?

Well, you now know
about as much as I do

about this whole doctor thing.

But I have no formal
medical training.

Ah! You'll be fine.
I think that book
on the shelf

has most of the stuff in there.

And don't forget
the cheat sheet
if you need a helping...

Hand.

Are we really buying fish
at the same place
we buy tires?

And, what... "Fazio"?

What, is that a brand
of Blu-ray player?

Stewie, this sweatshirt
is so sophisticated.

Look, it says "New York."

People will think
I'm from there.

Put your phone away,
we're at a funeral!

Oh, my God.

Look!
It's Saggy Naggy.

Boo!

You're mean.

I don't like you, Saggy Naggy.

You stink, Saggy Naggy.

My goodness,
that's a very rude thing
to say to someone.

Calling them Saggy...

What the hell?

Young man,
what do you think you're...

Lois, I just saw
Jessica Alba
on television.

We've got 90 seconds, let's go!

Peter, I'm not in the mood!

That's okay.
We can do it anyway.

Peter, I was
assaulted in public
because of you!

Oh, my God, what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

A group of kids
attacked me at Costmart

because you
portrayed me
on your show

as a raging puppet bitch!

Writers take from their lives.

You married a creative type.
You knew this was a risk.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, the last few weeks,
you've been nagging
the hell out of me.

Peter, you think
I like nagging you?

One of us needs to be
an adult in this marriage,

and it's clearly not you.

Is this about me
wetting the bed just now?

Peter, don't you understand that

I'm just looking out
for this family?

Besides, without my nagging,

you'd probably
get yourself killed.

Or laid.

Right, frat house?

Yeah!

Those knuckleheads
should be studying.

Okay, you know what?
Fine, Peter, that's it.

From now on,
I'm not nagging
you anymore.

You're not?
No, you're on your own.

I'm done with it.
I'm done with all of it!

Well, great,
I should probably
get some sleep.

Tomorrow on Petey's Funhouse,
we're doing "Who's on First?"

I'm gonna play Costello,

and Abbott is
gonna be played
by a live puma.

Peter, that sounds really...

You know what?
Sounds great. Have fun.

Thanks, Lois. Good night.

Lois? Other families
fight, too, right?

Not this much.

Do you think maybe
we should think
about getting a...

It is what it is.

Let's just get
Stewie to college
and go from there.

Sir, if you're gonna
want me to examine where
you're having an issue,

you're gonna have
to be more specific
than "thingee."

Okay.

It's not the front thingee.

What's going on in here?

Where's Dr. Hartman?

He had a family emergency.

I'm not really a doctor,
but I've been sort of
filling in for him.

You what?
Well, I think

I want to go into medicine,

so I was shadowing
Dr. Hartman.

I've actually
been learning a lot,

but then he just left me here!

Well, you don't belong here!

This is a professional
medical institution

with standards
and regulations
to adhere to!

But... But I...

I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.

I'm sorry. I'll go.

My issue has resolved itself.

And don't go anywhere, kids.
'Cause coming up,

we got some classic comedy
with me and a puma.

Is Dad really gonna do this?

I told your father
I was gonna leave him alone.

Saggy Naggy is
keeping out of this.

Is the puma ready?

Maybe we should poke him
with the "is-the-puma-ready?"
stick.

Oh, my God,
I can't let him do this!

Come on, kids!
We got to get down
to that TV studio!

Okay, yeah, just step
on the coloring book.
That's cool.

I'm asking you who's on first!

Oh, my God! Peter!

Cut the camera! Cut it!

Roll a Petey Learn-A-Long Song!

♪ Kentucky is a state

♪ Kentucky is a state

♪ All the people
there are dicks

♪ Kentucky is a state ♪

Oh, he's hurt bad.
Someone call 911!

He's bleeding too much!
He needs attention now!

Somebody help him!
Do something!

Now she's nagging everyone.

Does anyone have
any medical training?

It looks like his
jugular is severed.

I learned this at the hospital.

Mr. Swanson,
find me a first aid kit!

Mom, hand me those towels.

Did I hold on to the ball?

Hang in there, Dad.

I'm gonna get you fixed up.

You can do it, Meg.

Come on, Meg.
You got to save him!

Peter, you need to let go.

Lois?

Oh! Peter, thank God!
You're okay.

I guess you were right
about that puma.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

I should've listened to you.

Peter, I don't care about that.

I acted like a real jerk,
and I'm sorry, Lois.

I know you just get on my case
'cause you're
looking out for me.

I am, Peter. And it's
only because I love you,

and I want the best
for you and our family.

I love you, too, Lois.

Isn't anybody gonna thank me?

Yeah, I'll have a water
if you're getting one.

Mr. Griffin,
you have a visitor.

Hey.
Hey.

I get it now.
"Who" is the man's name.

A-ha!