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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,955 --> 00:00:08,223
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,291 --> 00:00:11,844
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:14,896
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,965 --> 00:00:18,283
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,553
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,199
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:24,923
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,975 --> 00:00:28,760
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,854
Oh, my God!
Brian, I went to
a baby rave last night.
11
00:00:38,923 --> 00:00:41,389
Dropped
a Flintstones chewable.
It was a purple Betty.
12
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:45,961
I was flyin'!
I was up till like... Like...
I don't even know how late.
13
00:00:46,030 --> 00:00:47,974
Like, when I came home,
The Mentalist was still on.
14
00:00:47,998 --> 00:00:49,998
Like, that's how late.
Morning, family.
15
00:00:50,066 --> 00:00:52,951
Anyone needs me,
I'll be out in the yard
using my new riding mower.
16
00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,503
A riding mower?
17
00:00:54,571 --> 00:00:57,033
For God's sakes,
stop making all these
frivolous purchases.
18
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,818
You just blew all
that money hiring
19
00:00:58,842 --> 00:01:00,762
that English-to-raccoon
translator.
20
00:01:06,249 --> 00:01:07,794
Don't need a translator
for that one.
21
00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:10,099
Tell him to come back
when he's ready to
act like an adult.
22
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:15,941
Hey, what's up, Quagmire?
23
00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:18,143
Oh, there's
the sound of the birds.
24
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,422
I thought they all disappeared,
25
00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:21,024
because all I could
hear was a lawnmower.
26
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:24,917
Oh, and what's that?
The wind in the trees!
Good... That still exists.
27
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,796
What are you doing there,
planting some flowers?
28
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,365
Hey, look, why don't you
go bother Joe, huh?
29
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:29,989
I can't. He's in
Vegas for the weekend,
30
00:01:30,024 --> 00:01:32,124
seeing that handicapped
Cher impersonator.
31
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:35,143
♪ If I could
turn back time
32
00:01:36,780 --> 00:01:40,081
♪ If I could find a way ♪
33
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:43,284
Yeah! We all want
to turn back time!
34
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:46,187
This is
the biggest sitting ovation
I've ever seen!
35
00:01:49,826 --> 00:01:51,521
Damn it,
where the hell
did I put that?
36
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:52,895
What are you looking for, Brian?
37
00:01:52,963 --> 00:01:54,474
That steak bone you
gave me last night.
38
00:01:54,498 --> 00:01:55,976
I can't remember what
the hell I did with it.
39
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,432
Didn't you bring it outside?
40
00:02:02,406 --> 00:02:04,256
Holy crap!
Quagmire, you all right?
41
00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:07,492
No, I'm not all right!
My head's gushing blood,
you idiot!
42
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,210
Take your hand away.
43
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,112
Oh, boy! All right,
hold still, Quagmire.
44
00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:14,649
Oh, my God!
A piece of your
brain came out!
45
00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,196
Ah! Well,
that can't be good!
46
00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:17,435
Well, maybe it's not so bad.
47
00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:19,754
I can feed it to my pet zombie.
48
00:02:19,823 --> 00:02:23,242
Here you go.
Yeah, you're hungry,
aren't ya?
49
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:24,421
He was a rescue.
50
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,922
When I found him,
he was just walking
51
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:29,066
face-first into
a chain-link fence
downtown.
52
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:34,486
All right,
almost done here, Glenn.
53
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,755
There we are, all finished.
54
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:39,124
Ah! Well, look at this.
Look what happened.
55
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:43,273
Well, by the laws of comedy,
you and I have to
be roommates now.
56
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:44,341
That's hilarious, Doc.
57
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:45,730
All right, here we go.
58
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:48,166
Now, I'm going to
prescribe a course
of antibiotics
59
00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:49,684
and some painkillers and...
60
00:02:50,854 --> 00:02:52,620
Hey, Elmer.
Hey.
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00:02:54,491 --> 00:02:55,707
She sucks.
62
00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:01,691
Okay, Quagmire,
before we get
your prescription,
63
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:02,892
let's grab some bandages.
64
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:04,916
God, this is such
an East Coast pharmacy.
65
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,579
How are we gonna
find gauze and bandages
66
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,336
in the middle of all this crap?
67
00:03:08,405 --> 00:03:11,417
I think he keeps them
next to the 1,000-piece
puzzle of a lobster trap.
68
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,675
I don't see it.
You mean, next to
the Kadima paddles,
69
00:03:13,743 --> 00:03:16,311
or next to
the basic black sweatshirt
with no writing on it?
70
00:03:16,379 --> 00:03:18,658
No, I think they're
over there between
the rain ponchos
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00:03:18,682 --> 00:03:21,694
and the cap guns
and just below
the balsa wood gliders
72
00:03:21,718 --> 00:03:23,930
and the net bag
of flip-flops
and a beach pail.
73
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,386
Above the set of jacks?
74
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:28,168
Yes, above the jacks
and the bicentennial
playing cards
75
00:03:28,192 --> 00:03:30,670
and across from
the giant cage
with the beach balls,
76
00:03:30,694 --> 00:03:33,461
next to the Wiffle ball bats
and the spark-spitting cars.
77
00:03:33,530 --> 00:03:36,031
I don't...
Oh, next to the wax
bottles of weird juice.
78
00:03:36,099 --> 00:03:38,499
Yes, behind the plastic bag
of Mexican soldiers
79
00:03:38,568 --> 00:03:41,030
from the Alamo and
the Super Elastic
Bubble Plastic.
80
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,621
Oh, yeah, I got 'em.
81
00:03:42,673 --> 00:03:43,783
Hey, Mort.
How's it going?
82
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:45,206
Oh, it's awful, Peter!
83
00:03:45,275 --> 00:03:46,336
Why? What's the matter?
84
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,042
The pharmacy's going under.
85
00:03:48,111 --> 00:03:51,947
I can barely pay my bills.
I can't even afford
the real pharmacy music.
86
00:03:52,015 --> 00:03:53,881
That's just me up there.
Listen.
87
00:03:53,950 --> 00:03:58,770
- ♪ If this is it ooh wah
- Please let me know
88
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:02,708
♪ If this ain't love
You better just say so
89
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,392
♪ If this is it ♪
90
00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:07,980
They say I've got
Jewish honey in my voice.
Jewish honey is mucus.
91
00:04:08,031 --> 00:04:09,576
But I thought you made
a lot of money here.
92
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,268
I used to,
but it's all gone downhill
since Muriel died.
93
00:04:13,337 --> 00:04:15,537
She could get away
with overcharging people,
94
00:04:15,605 --> 00:04:18,105
because they were always
mentally undressing her
95
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:21,793
and then re-dressing her
once they saw
the horrible mess underneath.
96
00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:24,712
But in that interval,
she robbed them blind.
97
00:04:29,086 --> 00:04:30,513
Well, look, I don't know,
98
00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:31,681
maybe there's
something we can do
99
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:32,949
to help you drum up
some business.
100
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,917
You know,
get the word out.
Like what?
101
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:37,192
Hey, you just leave that to us.
102
00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:56,222
Is opening and closing
the cash register
a bunch of times
103
00:04:56,246 --> 00:04:57,378
helping business yet?
104
00:04:57,447 --> 00:04:59,728
No.
Okay, then we'll
do other stuff.
105
00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:02,545
Okay, Mort, now,
if you want to get
106
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:03,847
more customers in your pharmacy,
107
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:05,548
you're gonna have to
do a promotion, like...
108
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:06,649
Like, "Buy one,
get one free."
109
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:07,822
What?
110
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,791
Buy one, get one free.
Huh?
111
00:05:09,859 --> 00:05:11,570
Buy one...
Yeah, I get that.
112
00:05:11,594 --> 00:05:12,638
Get one free.
113
00:05:12,662 --> 00:05:14,028
Is that, like, a Spanish word?
114
00:05:14,097 --> 00:05:15,742
No, it's English.
The whole thing's English.
115
00:05:15,766 --> 00:05:18,533
Oh, 'cause it seems
like you're saying
the first part in English
116
00:05:18,602 --> 00:05:20,668
and then some kind of
made up phalumpf-phalumpf
117
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:21,981
or something in the second part.
118
00:05:22,005 --> 00:05:23,170
I don't understand you.
119
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:25,050
All right, let me try
explaining it another way.
120
00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:27,052
Let's say we're at
someone else's store
121
00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:29,689
and there's
a sign and it says,
"Buy one, get one free."
122
00:05:29,713 --> 00:05:32,964
Get one free? Wow!
What store are
you talking about?
123
00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:40,739
Excuse me, I have been
waiting for my prescription
for 25 minutes!
124
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:42,674
Oh, I'm really sorry,
Ms. Dumott.
125
00:05:42,742 --> 00:05:44,976
We'll have that
filled for you
right away.
126
00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:47,240
Guys, what the hell's
going on back there?
127
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:50,664
Remember, each pill
has to go into
the correct bottle.
128
00:05:53,953 --> 00:05:55,786
This ain't so hard.
129
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,943
I...
I got a wicked boner.
130
00:06:23,033 --> 00:06:24,360
This was a great idea, Peter.
131
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,995
We fly this thing
over Providence,
132
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:27,563
it's bound to get
people into the pharmacy.
133
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:30,122
That's right,
bring in the city folk
with their big money
134
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:33,191
and their long cigarettes
and their dogs with shoes.
135
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:36,394
Hey, check it out,
we got a giggity over there
on the 32nd floor.
136
00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:38,744
I'm gonna go in
for a closer look.
137
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:41,900
All right!
138
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:44,352
Quagmire, look out!
139
00:06:44,421 --> 00:06:45,503
Oh, no!
140
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:50,903
Geez, that was a close one!
141
00:06:50,927 --> 00:06:53,247
Yeah, but at least
nobody got hurt.
142
00:07:03,707 --> 00:07:05,440
Goldman's Pharmacy!
143
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:09,094
Now, that could
be a good place to get
new shoes for my dog.
144
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,484
Good evening, Quahog.
145
00:07:16,552 --> 00:07:18,397
Grim details continue
to roll in at this hour
146
00:07:18,421 --> 00:07:21,267
in the story ofthe detached airplaneadvertising banner
147
00:07:21,291 --> 00:07:24,136
which caused a school busto plummet intothe Pawtuxet River.
148
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,912
That's right, Joyce.Quahog's ownGoldman's Pharmacy
149
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,729
made headlines
across the country,
150
00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:32,050
after a banner of theirscaused the bus todrive off a bridge,
151
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,702
tragically killing all
the teenagers on board.
152
00:07:34,771 --> 00:07:37,672
Many of the studentsTweeted about the accidentas it was happening.
153
00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:39,106
We have a few here.
154
00:07:39,175 --> 00:07:43,511
From @Jenny94,
"Water seriously cold, yo."
155
00:07:43,580 --> 00:07:48,683
Here's @TheTed69,"I'm gonna survivethis LOL. JK."
156
00:07:49,736 --> 00:07:51,352
"JK," indeed.
157
00:07:51,421 --> 00:07:55,356
Oh, God, I'm ruined!
Nobody's ever gonna shop
in my pharmacy again!
158
00:07:55,425 --> 00:07:57,036
I'm gonna lose everything!
159
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,804
Oh, Gosh, Mort,
I feel terrible
about this.
160
00:07:58,828 --> 00:08:00,548
I wish there was
some way we could fix it.
161
00:08:00,597 --> 00:08:03,910
You know, my cousin
had the same problem,
but he lucked out,
162
00:08:03,934 --> 00:08:05,879
'cause his business
burned to the ground.
163
00:08:05,903 --> 00:08:08,353
The insurance made him
a very rich man.
164
00:08:08,422 --> 00:08:10,583
Too bad we can't just
torch the pharmacy.
165
00:08:10,607 --> 00:08:12,201
Aw, come on,
no, we can't do that.
166
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:14,385
That'd be like stealing
from the insurance companies.
167
00:08:14,444 --> 00:08:16,439
It wouldn't be right.
Oh, they're bastards.
168
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:18,963
Last year, after I
lost my beloved Muriel,
169
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:22,400
our life insurance company
refused to pay on her policy.
170
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:25,030
They took
what should have been
a pleasant experience
171
00:08:25,054 --> 00:08:26,815
and made it into an ordeal!
172
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,522
Well, that doesn't
totally surprise me.
173
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:32,309
A friend of mine
staying in my house
got, um, injured,
174
00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:35,312
and my homeowner's insurance
wouldn't pay her doctor bills.
175
00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:39,150
Said the policy
didn't cover
an "Act of Rod."
176
00:08:39,218 --> 00:08:42,348
Yeah, come to think of it,
they wouldn't even pay for
the fetus Lois lost when we
177
00:08:42,372 --> 00:08:44,039
went to visit
the Museum of Staircases
178
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,840
and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.
179
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,953
Yeah, you know,
they don't seem to
pay out on anything.
180
00:08:47,977 --> 00:08:49,010
No, not at all, right?
181
00:08:49,078 --> 00:08:50,723
Yeah, that's true,
they don't pay.
182
00:08:50,747 --> 00:08:53,648
Well, then I say,
screw the bastards!
Let's burn the place down!
183
00:08:53,716 --> 00:08:56,500
What?
Peter, we're talking about
a major crime here.
184
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,080
This is not
smuggling Oriental women
185
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,549
into the country in steel cans.
186
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:01,216
This is a serious felony.
187
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,975
Quagmire, this whole
mess was our fault.
We got to make it right.
188
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,944
And, look,
as long as nobody sees us,
189
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:08,212
and we don't tell anybody,
then we're in the clear.
190
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,798
Well, I guess I did kind of
destroy your business, Mort.
191
00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:13,212
All right, then let's
do it, tomorrow night!
192
00:09:13,236 --> 00:09:17,054
Good. I'm just
gonna have to reschedule
my weekly re-circumcision.
193
00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:19,218
So, what are we doing today,
a little off the top?
194
00:09:19,242 --> 00:09:20,402
Yeah, but leave a little
up front,
195
00:09:20,426 --> 00:09:21,503
so I have something
to play with.
196
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:22,671
Sounds good.
197
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:23,978
And take a look at the back.
198
00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:25,525
You see that there?
Yeah.
199
00:09:25,549 --> 00:09:26,859
Yeah, let's trim that.
I don't know when
that started,
200
00:09:26,883 --> 00:09:27,999
but let's get rid of that.
201
00:09:31,187 --> 00:09:32,704
Okay, guys, listen up.
202
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,941
This is a very
flammable mixture
that's also undetectable.
203
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:38,743
If we put it on
the electric box
and two of the outlets,
204
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:42,313
then light them all at once,
it'll look like
a short circuit.
205
00:09:42,365 --> 00:09:44,493
Geez, Mort, how the hell
do you know
how to do all this?
206
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:46,512
Well, there's a whole
section of the Torah
207
00:09:46,536 --> 00:09:48,715
dedicated to burning
down your business.
208
00:09:48,739 --> 00:09:50,916
Right after
the chapter on writing
complaint letters
209
00:09:50,940 --> 00:09:53,519
that will result
in compensatory
merchandise.
210
00:09:53,543 --> 00:09:56,194
"Dear stuffed shirts
at Ritz Crackers.
211
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:59,064
"A chain is only
as strong as its
weakest link.
212
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:04,369
"Just as a box of crackers
is only as appealing
as its least intact sleeve.
213
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:08,506
"I am paying for
fully formed crackers,
not butter crumbles.
214
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,976
"I don't buy your product
with broken quarters,
215
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:14,879
"don't stick me with
broken pieces of cracker,
you miserable dickheads!
216
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,048
"Regards,
Mort Goldman again."
217
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:28,175
All right, let's get to work.
218
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,730
Oh, my God!
We did it!
219
00:10:49,799 --> 00:10:50,943
Hey, Peter,
what are you
gonna tell Lois
220
00:10:50,967 --> 00:10:52,411
when she asks
where you were tonight?
221
00:10:52,435 --> 00:10:54,135
Don't worry,
I got it all covered.
222
00:10:59,776 --> 00:11:02,843
This is awesome!
And Peter has no idea!
223
00:11:10,653 --> 00:11:12,937
Well, Mr. Goldman,
we've ruled out foul play.
224
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,373
It looks like it was just
a case of faulty wiring.
225
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,319
Well, you're still
gonna have to
buy something.
226
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,188
This is rubble, not a library.
227
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:21,713
Okay, well...
I'm sorry for your loss,
228
00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:23,280
but the good news
is your insurance
229
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,800
will be covering
all of your damages.
230
00:11:25,869 --> 00:11:27,152
You hear what he said, fellas?
231
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,553
Looks like we pulled it off.
232
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:31,067
Yeah, for now.
I still got
a bad feeling.
233
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,618
He's gonna find something,
I just know it.
234
00:11:32,642 --> 00:11:34,942
Will you relax?
We got an ironclad alibi.
235
00:11:35,011 --> 00:11:37,971
We were all
seeing the Beatles live
at The Ed Sullivan Show.
236
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,036
Sorry.
I rode a bike here.
237
00:11:48,692 --> 00:11:51,209
All right, guys,
all we got to do now
is keep a low profile
238
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,344
and not mention
a word of this to anybody.
239
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,612
Not even the police.
240
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:56,125
That's right,
not a word to anyone.
241
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,189
Nobody.
Lips are sealed.
242
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,085
Ooh! I want to
tell somebody.
243
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,152
Peter!
244
00:12:01,204 --> 00:12:02,686
You shut your mouth!
245
00:12:02,755 --> 00:12:05,785
Hey, Mort, I was
really sorry to hear
about the pharmacy.
246
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:08,976
Oh, thank you, Joe.
I was
very, very sorry, too.
247
00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:11,657
Yeah, Joe.
The insurance guy
said it was an accident.
248
00:12:11,681 --> 00:12:12,947
Yeah, he seemed pretty smart.
249
00:12:13,016 --> 00:12:15,266
His shirt was tucked in,
so I bet he went to Harvard.
250
00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:16,595
Well, you're my friend, Mort.
251
00:12:16,619 --> 00:12:18,197
I want you to know
that I'm going to
252
00:12:18,221 --> 00:12:19,931
personally go
over all the evidence.
253
00:12:19,955 --> 00:12:22,568
I'd hate to think
there's someone in town
who's out to get you.
254
00:12:22,592 --> 00:12:24,825
Hey, Joe, they said
it was an accident.
Roll away.
255
00:12:24,894 --> 00:12:26,438
No, I'm just saying,
as your friend,
256
00:12:26,462 --> 00:12:29,597
I wouldn't feel right unless
I left no stone unturned.
257
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,098
Geez, Joe, let it go.
258
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,767
Yeah, Joe,
even RoboCop took a day off
once in a while.
259
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:39,573
Nope.
260
00:12:44,213 --> 00:12:46,230
I don't like Joe
sticking his nose into this.
261
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,277
Maybe this was
all a big mistake.
262
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:51,302
You're damn right it was.
Why did I ever agree to
do this?
263
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:54,288
This isn't who I am.
I looked in
the mirror this morning,
264
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,837
and it was like I was
looking at a man I'd
never seen before.
265
00:12:57,460 --> 00:13:00,227
Hi. Scott Bakula.
266
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,808
Just take it easy, Quagmire.
There's nothing
to worry about.
267
00:13:03,933 --> 00:13:04,933
Hey, it's Joe, open up.
268
00:13:07,504 --> 00:13:09,315
Hey, Joe.
What's going on?
269
00:13:09,339 --> 00:13:12,507
Oh, hey, I forgot,
I brought you guys souvenirs
from my trip to Vegas.
270
00:13:12,575 --> 00:13:16,778
They're T-shirts that say,
"I lost my shirt
in Lost Wages."
271
00:13:28,991 --> 00:13:30,336
I think maybe you
should keep 'em.
272
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,837
All right,
I'll see you guys later.
273
00:13:31,861 --> 00:13:36,163
I got to go see
the forensics team
about the pharmacy.
274
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:39,951
Don't you worry, Mort.
We'll get to
the bottom of this.
275
00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:42,315
I don't
like this, you guys.
This is bad.
276
00:13:42,339 --> 00:13:44,133
Joe's gonna find out,
I just know it.
277
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:47,191
Geez, Quagmire,
you need to relax.
And I know how to help.
278
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:50,227
Calgon, take him away.
279
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,130
This is worse, Peter!
280
00:13:58,154 --> 00:14:00,738
Relax, this is
supposed to be your time.
281
00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:02,966
This is the right way
to deal with your problems.
282
00:14:06,329 --> 00:14:08,562
All right, guys,
if Joe really
is nosing around,
283
00:14:08,632 --> 00:14:11,072
I think I know how to
get him off the case
once and for all.
284
00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,235
Hello?
285
00:14:14,303 --> 00:14:16,048
Officer Swanson,
this is the Chief of Police.
286
00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:17,872
I'm afraid you're fired.
287
00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:20,174
I see.
Well, that's too bad.
288
00:14:20,243 --> 00:14:21,721
I was looking
forward to giving you
289
00:14:21,745 --> 00:14:23,745
your birthday present next week.
290
00:14:23,813 --> 00:14:27,715
Oh. Apparently,
there was a mistake.
Forget I called.
291
00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:30,084
Guys, I got to become
chief of police by next week.
292
00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:36,089
Chief,
this just came in for you
from Officer Swanson.
293
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:39,444
A Starbucks gift card?
294
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:42,672
This has been
an unproductive
use of my time.
295
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:47,584
Okay, I got it.
Joe can't investigate
if he's distracted, right?
296
00:14:47,653 --> 00:14:51,038
Well, what's more
distracting than texts
about dinner plans?
297
00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:53,157
Mmm. These burn
ignition patterns
298
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,810
aren't consistent
with an electrical fire.
299
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,814
Would love to.
300
00:15:03,186 --> 00:15:08,088
Probably about
7:00 or 7:30.
301
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:17,314
Any of those places
would be fine.
302
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:21,052
God! No way!
303
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:28,259
I don't know.
Probably just a collared shirt and jeans.
304
00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:34,014
Have you never been
to a restaurant before?
305
00:15:34,083 --> 00:15:35,778
Oh, he's getting annoyed.
Look at that.
306
00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:38,102
He sure is.
Okay, now tell him
you want a vegan place.
307
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,650
Oh, my God!
He's so pissed,
he's calling.
308
00:15:40,674 --> 00:15:42,273
Well, answer it.
309
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:44,019
No, no, no. I'm gonna
send it to voicemail,
then call him back,
310
00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:46,410
but pocket-dial him
while I walk a few blocks.
311
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:50,565
Peter? Peter? Hello?
312
00:15:50,633 --> 00:15:52,673
I'm getting very
little work done!
313
00:15:56,139 --> 00:15:58,506
You guys, I just
can't take this anymore.
314
00:15:58,575 --> 00:16:00,185
I've been giving
it a lot of thought
315
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:01,870
and I think we all
just need to confess.
316
00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,560
What?
Now just hold on, Quagmire.
317
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:04,974
If you start
yapping to the cops,
318
00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:07,315
we're gonna rot in prison
for the next 30 years.
319
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,411
Evening, gentlemen.
320
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:11,535
Joe!
Glad I found you here.
321
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,566
I had a question for you guys.
322
00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:17,125
Did any of you happen to
be at Mort's pharmacy
on the night of the fire?
323
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:18,604
No.
None of us were.
324
00:16:18,628 --> 00:16:20,305
I'm triplets.
Could have been
one of my triplets.
325
00:16:20,329 --> 00:16:24,198
I see. Well, then it's
kind of peculiar that I
would find this.
326
00:16:24,266 --> 00:16:27,401
A pocket-dial
voicemail from Peter
on the night of the fire.
327
00:16:27,470 --> 00:16:31,205
Oh, my God,look at that fire we started,Quagmire and Mort.
328
00:16:31,273 --> 00:16:33,185
You know who I
don't miss is Joe.
329
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:35,621
That's a piece
of evidence that
hurts all of us.
330
00:16:35,645 --> 00:16:38,557
You three are under arrest
for burning down
Goldman's Pharmacy.
331
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:39,981
Well, the pocket-dial giveth,
332
00:16:40,049 --> 00:16:41,749
and the pocket-dial taketh away.
333
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,468
You'll never take me alive!
334
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,248
Aren't you gonna run?
I would,
335
00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:48,284
but I don't
want my gym teacher
to laugh at me.
336
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,791
He's been
following me around
since junior high.
337
00:16:50,860 --> 00:16:53,010
Watch this.
Watch this Jewish kid run.
338
00:16:59,402 --> 00:17:02,536
First, I have to
read you the Miranda rights
for Jewish people.
339
00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:05,138
You have the right
to remain silent,
even though you won't.
340
00:17:05,207 --> 00:17:07,808
You have the right
to infer an insult
where none was intended.
341
00:17:07,877 --> 00:17:09,354
What's that supposed to mean?
342
00:17:09,378 --> 00:17:10,589
You have the right to a lawyer,
343
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,363
who you are probably related to.
344
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:13,831
This interview is over.
345
00:17:15,518 --> 00:17:17,668
What were you doing
the night of March 8th?
346
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:18,786
Fuckin' your mother.
347
00:17:18,855 --> 00:17:20,165
Come on, man, that's not cool.
348
00:17:20,189 --> 00:17:22,824
Oh, yeah?
Maybe this is
cool enough for you.
349
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:29,274
It's gonna take a lot more
than a fart in my face
to make me...
350
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,215
Whoa! Whoa!
351
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:33,184
Yeah, and there's more
where that came from.
352
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,004
No, there isn't.
353
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:39,752
Where were you
the night of the fire?
354
00:17:39,776 --> 00:17:40,919
I was at the movies.
355
00:17:40,943 --> 00:17:42,554
What did you see?
No Strings Attached.
356
00:17:42,578 --> 00:17:43,889
How was it?
Sucked.
357
00:17:43,913 --> 00:17:46,463
Okay, that checks out.
358
00:17:46,532 --> 00:17:50,134
Boy, that Ashton Kutcher
sure was a cad in that movie,
wasn't he?
359
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:51,313
Yeah, totally.
360
00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:52,737
Wrong! He had
a heart of gold.
361
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,171
You're going down.
362
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,654
Your husband's
in here, ma'am.
Lois!
363
00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:01,862
Peter, what's going on?
Is it true?
364
00:18:01,931 --> 00:18:03,964
Did you really burn down
Mort's pharmacy?
365
00:18:04,033 --> 00:18:05,298
Hi, Lois. Hi.
366
00:18:05,367 --> 00:18:07,279
Look, Lois,
we were just
trying to help Mort.
367
00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:10,087
Peter, how could you
do this?
You have a family.
368
00:18:10,156 --> 00:18:11,655
Did you ever stop
to think about us
369
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,119
before you did
something that could
send you away to prison?
370
00:18:14,143 --> 00:18:18,162
For once,
could you visit me in jail
and not criticize me?
371
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,299
Wait a minute.
This isn't Carvel,
you lying bitch.
372
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,402
All right, that's enough.
Visiting time is over.
373
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:26,665
You know you guys
are gonna do time
for this.
374
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:28,689
Come on, Joe.
You're really
gonna put us away?
375
00:18:28,758 --> 00:18:30,335
You think I want to do this?
376
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,405
You know how hard
it's gonna be for me
to make new friends?
377
00:18:33,429 --> 00:18:35,807
Hey, do you think
Chris is old enough
to be my friend?
378
00:18:35,831 --> 00:18:37,264
Old enough? Yes.
379
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,211
But I wouldn't
bark down that alley,
you frighten him.
380
00:18:39,235 --> 00:18:41,868
He thinks you're
a Transformer that broke
halfway through.
381
00:18:41,937 --> 00:18:43,748
I get that a lot.
I understand.
382
00:18:43,772 --> 00:18:46,440
Look, Mort was in trouble.
We were just
trying to help him out.
383
00:18:46,509 --> 00:18:49,469
Well, insurance fraud is
not the way to
help somebody out.
384
00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:52,279
Listen, Joe,
insurance agencies
are all scumbags.
385
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:53,597
They deserve to get hurt.
386
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:54,915
You don't decide that.
387
00:18:54,984 --> 00:18:56,795
What you did is against the law.
388
00:18:56,819 --> 00:18:58,001
It's easy for you, Joe.
389
00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,181
You don't know
what it's like to be
390
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:00,815
screwed over by
an insurance company.
391
00:19:00,839 --> 00:19:04,475
Oh, I don't, do I?
Well, let me tell
you a little story.
392
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,845
It was hours after my accident.
393
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:10,514
I was barely conscious
on the operating table,
394
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:13,584
but I'll never forget
the phone call
that changed my life.
395
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:17,088
Hello, I'm calling on behalf
of your policyholder,
Joe Swanson.
396
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,656
He's badly injured his spine.
397
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,360
Well,
there's a new procedure that,
if administered immediately,
398
00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:24,295
should restore
his ability to walk.
399
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,598
$200,000.
400
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,233
We also have a wheelchair.
401
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:31,469
$60.
402
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,038
Okay.
403
00:19:34,107 --> 00:19:36,790
They're going with "B."
404
00:19:36,859 --> 00:19:38,937
Those sons of bitches
made it about money.
405
00:19:38,961 --> 00:19:41,028
Yeah, Joe.
So, what do you say?
406
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,697
They didn't care about you.
Why should you
care about them?
407
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:48,085
The thing is,
you guys committed a crime.
408
00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:52,773
And I've still got
the evidence to prove it.
Too bad I lost it.
409
00:19:52,842 --> 00:19:54,959
Message deleted.
410
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:57,540
Was that...
Was that supposed
to mean something?
411
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,474
Yeah, I'm letting you guys go.
412
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:00,842
Oh. Oh, well,
that's great.
413
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,199
Yeah, I didn't get that, either.
414
00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:03,579
Yeah, why didn't you
just say that?
415
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,780
I'm starting to regret
erasing that message.
416
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:08,322
Too late, butt-face.
Have a great summer, Joe.
417
00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:17,264
Peter, I don't understand
how they just
let you out of jail.
418
00:20:17,333 --> 00:20:19,578
Yeah, Joe had
all kinds of evidence
against you guys.
419
00:20:19,602 --> 00:20:21,835
Seems like a huge
miscarriage of justice.
420
00:20:21,904 --> 00:20:23,382
I thought if you
do something wrong,
421
00:20:23,406 --> 00:20:24,772
you're supposed to get punished.
422
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,240
Oh, Chris, not if you're white.
423
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:29,321
Well, now that I've
wrapped things up
with you guys,
424
00:20:29,345 --> 00:20:31,962
I better wrap things up
with my basement family.
425
00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:33,424
Well, did you guys
learn your lesson
426
00:20:33,448 --> 00:20:35,415
about eating uncooked antelope?
32682
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