All language subtitles for The.Guest.Book.S01E03.720p.HDTV.AVS.en

Hey, man. Huh? That
show I told you about,

where people rent a cabin in the
mountains, is on again tonight.

It's pretty much a different story
each week with brand-new characters,

but there's a few
things you should know.

So, there's this
stripper at a bikini bar

who secretly records guys
doing crazy foot stuff,

and then her and her
stepson blackmail them.

And there's this old couple

who gives out the keys
to people who rent the cabins,

and the old dude started
going to the bikini bar.

There's also a guy who lives
next door to the cabin

who's going through a divorce,

but I don't know what
the deal with him is yet.

- Anyways, you should check it out.
- Yeah, I don't know.

My mother usually controls the clicker.

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Dear Jennifer, something
crazy just happened,

so I thought I'd let you know
about it in your guest book.

It all started when my husband decided

we should treat his
boss and his new wife

to a vacation in the mountains.

Let me do the talking.

- In a hurry?
- Yeah. Sorry, officer.

Um, normally, I would
be the one driving, but

we stopped for lunch,
and my boss back there

pressured me into having
a couple of beers.

So, maybe you could let
us off with a warning

since we were being so responsible.

I guess that sounds fair.

So your boss... Was
he drinking, as well?

Which boss?

Sir, will you step out
of the car, please?

Got one. He wouldn't
let me do much to him,

but he's wearing a ring,
so I bet he'll cough up

a couple hundred once
he learns it's all on tape.

Okay. Hey, I, uh, found this picture

of you, me, and my dad.

I was thinking we could
put it up behind the bar.

People come in here to get drunk
and stare at bouncing titties,

not pictures of dead black men.

Besides, I was only married to
your father for like a month.

Keep it in your pocket
if you miss him so much.

That's twice!

What'd you do, watch a pantyhose
commercial or somethin'?

That... first of all, that's ridiculous.

You told me to speed up,
so how is this my fault?

- Can I help you?
- Yes.

We're here to pick up the
key for Froggy Cottage.

- Coming right up.
- David just called.

We can pick him up at the station.

I'm gonna run next door
and get him some whiskey.

He sounded fussy.

Chubbys... we won't tell if you don't.

Bullshit. Hey, it's me.

I don't think I should do this one.

It looks like he was just
trying to get things going

so he could bang his old
wife, and that can't be easy.

I don't care. Business around
here isn't exactly thriving.

Pick 'em up... slow.

Look, blackmailing these horny tourists

is the only way to keep this place open.

And I can't go back to dental hygiening.

- That's how I got Hep C.
- I know, but...

Don't come back here without
my money and a Twix!

Yep, they got my laptop,
and they took her purse.

Well, just make sure to
cancel all her credit cards.

Hey, I'm really sorry about this.

Shh! I can't believe...

No, not you. Someone's bothering me.

Hey! Psst!

Do you have any Plan B
pills I could borrow?

- Excuse me?
- Don't tell David

because he's super pro-life,

but mine were in the
purse that got stolen.

David hates condoms, so
he told me to get on the pill.

But the pill gives me
whiskers on my chin,

so I've been secretly
taking Plan B instead.

Anyway, do you have any I could borrow?

No, sorry.

Had a hysterectomy in my 20s.

Lucky.

I bet you lost, like, 2
pounds just like that.

Hey, buddy. Come on, man.

Hey!

What's that about?

I told him this was all your fault.

The separation? Why would you do that?

- Because it is.
- How?

Plus, I had a date the other night,

and he kept judging me with
those little beady eyes of his.

I had to tell him something
to get him off my back.

You're dating now?

A guy from the gym took
me to the Red Lobster.

Don't get all weepy.

Mm-hmm.

Pussy.

- Who's thirsty?
- I'll have one.

Uh, but Phyllis doesn't drink.

Last one in the hot tub has body issues!

I don't drink?

This weekend is already a disaster.

And you get mouthy when you're drunk.

I don't need another St. Patrick's Day.

Fine. But your niece started that.

- She's 8.
- She's racist.

The alcohol kept flowing,
and by the end of the night,

everyone except me could barely
make it back to their bedrooms.

And that's when it happened.

Hello?

Jennifer, is that you? It's me, Marcia.

I-I have to hurry. He's in the bathroom.

I'm sorry. I think you...

Who are you talking to?

No one! It's just the cats.

Getting a call like that

in the middle of the
night was pretty jarring,

but since John blames me

for anything bad or
strange that ever happens,

I tried to go back to bed
and just forget about it.

- Hello?
- Jennifer, I need help.

Okay, look, I'm not Jennifer.
We're just renting the place, okay?

Yeah? You... Maybe you want the owners?

Yes! Oh, I'm looking for
my sister, Jennifer.

Ah, she always said she was gonna
move away and rent the place out.

Damn, I really needed
her to wire me money

for a bus ticket so that
I can leave my husband.

- Are you being abused?
- Oh, no, no.

I'm... I'm in a plural marriage,

and I'm beginning to
have second thoughts

about being married to
one man and three women.

You know, this latest wife is 24

and he gave her bedroom duties

and put me in charge of
laundry and pet care.

- Well, that sounds terrible.
- Oh, it is.

You know, I would just... I
would buy the bus ticket myself,

except the sister wife who's
in charge of finances

never lets the debit
card out of her sight.

Man, if you could pay for a bus ticket

with dryer sheets and kitty litter,

I would've been out of here months ago.

What?

Jesus! Um, hey.

H-H-How much money do you need?

I used my phone to go online
and wire her the money.

You don't have to pay me back, Jen.

I like to think you'd do
the same for my sister.

Take care. Phyllis.

So, when you, uh, retired,

what was your specialty?

Shiatsu, reflexology?

I would just touch the
guys really soft and slow.

If he was a regular, I'd
let the back of my hand

accidentally brush up against
his nut sack a few times.

- Is that how you met David?
- Oh, no.

- He wasn't a client.
- No, we met at a Mike Huckabee rally.

David was holding a sign that said...

What did it say again, honey?

"If babies had guns, they
wouldn't be aborted."

I didn't understand it at first,
so he explained it to me.

And then he complimented me on my eyes,

which pissed off his wife.

Who turned out to be a
real bitch, by the way.

- Total bitch.
- Anyway...

Ah.

Where did you get that?

I won it in a silent
auction at a charity event

for kids with jacked-up smiles.

I've been wanting to get out
of the city and give it a go.

- Hey, bud. You want to play some catch?
- No.

Okay.

Wanna talk about what your mom said?

No.

- Oh, sh...
- Oh.

Whoa. Cool!

Hello?

Phyllis, I did it. I got out.

I didn't even say goodbye to the cat.

I was hoping you could pick me up.

I'm across the street from a bikini bar.

You're here?

Yeah, the bus let me
off right in front of

Wang's Tastey Delightful.

Uh, Marcia?

My husband's boss is here,

and even though things started
out real rough at first,

they're going well now, okay?

I-I can't throw the midnight
caller into the mix.

Well, I-I just need to
walk around the house

and look for a clue
how to find my sister.

Please, Phyllis.

You're the only friend I have right now.

Please?

Be right back. We're out of milk.

Hey, Bethany should be able to make milk

with how much I paid for her titties.

She didn't get it.

Hello, it's Phyllis again.

Last I left you, I was heading
over to pick up Marcia.

Marcia.

Oh. How'd you guess?

You're wearing four wedding bands.

Oh.

Yeah, hey, listen, do me a favor.

Go inside, order me a
slippery shrimp, okay?

I'm gonna go park the car.
I don't wanna take you back

to the house till everyone's tits up.

Okay. Slipper... Okay. Tits up. Got it.

$1 for the teeth-bleaching strips.

Do I have $1 and 10 cents?

- Sold.
- Yay!

I'm gonna see if these
work on buttholes.

They don't. It just stings.

Oh, now here's something you
both might be interested in.

Plan B. Let's start the bidding

on this convenient
little abortion at $3.

Sorry. Are you closed?

- No, we're open.
- Great!

Your shoe's untied, buddy.

Hey, Frank, can I talk to
you outside for a second?

You lied to me.

I should've known that
old man wouldn't have

given you a laptop and a purse.

Yeah, I stole it.

I couldn't blackmail him.

There are not that many
black people up here,

and it doesn't feel right to
start turning on each other.

He's not a tourist?

No. He works at that rental place.

Rents Cabins for the Owners.

He gives people the keys.

That old dude has a key

- to every rental cabin on the mountain?
- Yeah.

Well, let's get him a drink and
make sure he keeps coming back.

That guy's our new retirement plan.

So, uh, plural marriage...
not for you, huh?

Uh, I don't know if I'm
against plural marriage,

or if I just haven't found
the right guy and gal

- and gal and gal.
- Yeah, well, you know,

finding one of those is hard enough.

John and I get along pretty
well most of the time,

but man, this week
has been so stressful.

Plus, anytime anything goes
wrong, he just blames me.

My husband and wives do that to me, too.

- Get out of here!
- I'm serious.

It all started after I had
the worst Thursday ever.

My bedroom in the basement flooded,

a vending machine fell on me,

and my favorite cat
accidentally hung herself.

Ever since that happened,
anytime anything goes wrong,

they say it's my fault
because I'm cursed.

Okay, that is bullshit.

That is total bullshit.

- You know, they call me "Schleprock".
- What?

Which is some sort of reference

to "The Flintstones"
that I don't even get.

But I told myself, "If
they call me that one

"more time, I am leaving."

What do you think they
called me last night?

Hmm.

"Schleppy."

But it was short for "Schleprock."

Wow.

John calls me "Drama Magnet."

Oh.

It's not from a cartoon,

but you know, if he ever does it again,

I'm gonna just stand up for myself.

You've inspired me, Marcia. I'm
not gonna take it anymore.

Good for you.

Anyone ever tell you you
smell like snickerdoodles?

Yes! I've heard that quite a few times.

- It's good, right?
- It's great.

Once it was dark, I figured it was safe

to take Marcia back to the house.

Probably best if we don't
tell your mom about this.

You can try it next
time you visit, okay?

- You want to keep visiting, right?
- Are you kidding? Of course.

Good.

Can I shoot this with my shirt off?

I don't see why not.

This isn't my sister's house.

My sister's house is yellow,

and the mailbox is a mini Eiffel Tower.

Marcia, this is the house you called.

What... Does that look like a 2 or a 3?

Uh,

I-I don't know because it's...
it's very smudged.

It could be a zero.
Actually, it's all smudged.

I know. I guessed at most of those.

I think... I think the cats peed on it.

Oh, seriously?

I think they knew I was leaving.

At this point, we both realized

something that you must have known

when you started reading this story...

You're not Jennifer, and
Marcia is not your sister.

Oh. Oh, boy.

Do you care if I sleep on the porch,

and then tomorrow I can walk around

and... and try and find
my sister's house?

No, you can't sleep
outside. You'll freeze.

I have an idea.

Since my car is so small, I
let her sleep in David's car.

Worst case... They'll wonder why

their car smells like snickerdoodles.

Anyway, just thought you'd wanna
hear how things turned out

even if it wasn't your sister.

Oh, by the way, don't wanna
make a big deal out of it...

There was a used syringe
in your driveway.

I decided to hide your guest book

in a closet I found under your stairs

so my husband doesn't read
any of this. Take care. Phyllis.

Hello?

Is Marcia there?

- Who is this?
- It's Marcia's husband.

I checked the phone bill online
and saw she called this number.

Is she there? I just
wanna tell her I love her.

Please.

Hold on.

Oh, for shit's sake.

Hey, Big Love.

One of your wives just stole a car.

Hello?

No sign of forced entry.

Are you sure you didn't leave
the keys in the Escalade?

Positive. I left it right
there on that table.

Someone must have
walked in and took 'em.

Phyllis, you were up longer than us.

Did you lock the door?

Oh, yeah, sure. Front
door locked real tight.

Back door, always open.

Isn't that right, officer? You
know what I'm talking about.

- Really?
- Hmm?

Now? You decide to start drinking now?

That's for us.

I ordered a cab to take us
to the rental car place.

- David, I don't mind driving you.
- No, you...

Oh. You've done enough.

Thank you, John, for an amazing weekend.

I'm... I'm sorry, David.
I mean, trust me.

My wife's the jinx in
this family, not me.

What did you say?

You know it's true.
You're a drama magnet.

Hey, David.

You're gonna wanna take a
couple drinks for the road

'cause you're gonna wanna
be real nice and lubed up

when you find out that that
your monkey-brained child bride

is probably pregnant
'cause her birth control

was in her purse that got stolen.

Mm. Mm. Oh, wait.

And what birth control
would that be? Hmm.

Well let's just go ahead and say

she wasn't using Plan A.

Isn't that right? That's right, David.

Every time you finish

pumping and wheezing on top
of your barely legal spouse,

she just pops one of
those handy dandy little

no-muss, no-fuss abortion pills.

Hey, what... what do you
think your little right-wing,

bass guitar-playing buddy
would think about that? Huh?

What do ya think, you bald, alcoholic,

halitosis-having, cheap
wristwatch-wearing

piece of shit?

Borderline pedophile...
What... what do you think?

The pill gives me whiskers.

- I look like a catfish.
- Bethany,

we'll talk about it in the car.

I probably shouldn't have drunk.

♪ First one gets me started ♪

♪ Second one breaks me out ♪

♪ Third one, I'm eating
fat fried chicken ♪

♪ And cursing strangers out ♪

♪ Fourth one, I reconsider it ♪

♪ Fifth one, I'm having doubts ♪

♪ On the sixth one, I'm
in a bathroom stall ♪

♪ With my tongue in someone's mouth ♪

♪ Lord, I need a double of ♪

♪ One too many's not enough ♪

♪ But ooh ♪

♪ Tip it back, it ain't no bluff ♪

♪ One too many's not enough ♪

♪ No, one too many's
not enough, no, no ♪

Hi.

I'm here to pick up the
keys to Froggy Cottage.

My husband usually handles that.

I don't know where he done got off to.

But I can help you,
though. Nice place...

Some jackass pissed in the kitchen,

but I mopped it up. They
left an awful lot of liquor, too.

- You can help yourself if you like.
- Oh, no, thanks.

I'm up here so my girlfriend
can get to know my daughter.

Probably not the best time
to impair our judgment.

Phyllis? It's Marcia.

Listen, sorry about
the car. I-I got hungry,

so I grabbed the keys from
inside and I went looking for food.

But then a bee flew in the
car, and I drove it into the lake.

I managed to swim to shore, but
the Escalade sunk to the bottom.

Get off the highway, you stupid bitch!

You! You get off the
highway, you stupid bitch!

Anyway, I've decided to
hitchhike back home.

I'm just... I'm no good on my own.

And if the insurance company
needs to get in touch with me,

my number's 7-4...

... 3-8. Take care!

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -