All language subtitles for The.Conners.518

♪

Hey, guys. Hey.

How was
the farmer's market?

It was fun.

It's a shame
Mom's out of town.

It's vegan heaven. Hmm.

But it's almost like
she was there.

She kept texting me every few
minutes asking for pictures.

Yeah.
Yeah, she's just excited

to have you back
at the house again.

She always pretended
like she was okay

with you
living with your grandpa,

but believe me,
it was killing her.

Wow, what the hell is with
all these Post-It Notes?

Well, before Darlene
left for the weekend,

she gave us a ton of
very detailed instructions

for chores
she wants done.

Orange is you,
yellow is me.

Okay.

Uh, she wants me
to contact paper

all of the shelves
and all of the drawers.

That's
gonna take forever.

It's continued
on this note.

"When you put the spices
back in the pantry,

please organize them
from robust to bland."

They're spices.

Marco Polo did not sail
halfway around the world

to find "bland."

We get it.
You're in college.

She wants some
basic stuff, too.

She wants you to mop the floors
and do a load of whites.

We don't have
anything white.

We eat like
drunken pirates.

This one's for me.

"You've been through a lot.

Order Postmates and finish
'Under the Banner of Heaven,'

but don't start 'Dahmer'
without me"?

This woman is relentless.

I better get to work.

Oh,
did you see this one?

She wants me to make sure
the forks and knives

are pointy-side down
when loaded in the dishwasher.

She's always been controlling,
but this is a whole new level.

Oh!
[ Sighs ]

Listen to this.

"Everything in here is clean.
Please empty."

[ Sighs ]
How stupid does
she think we are?

Damn, I just put
dirty dishes in there.

Ah. Now I gotta figure out
which ones are clean

and which ones are dirty.

You know what?

Darlene isn't here.

Go wild.
Run it again.

Are you sure?

That would be cleaning
already clean dishes.

That would drive
Teeny Mussolini nuts.

Oh,
I'm going for it.

Do it, bad boy.

[ Laughs ]
[ Beeps ]

[ Laughs ]
Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

[ Door closes ]

Oh, Louise, honey,
would you bring me a napkin?

Thanks, baby.

[ Smooches ]

Ooh.
You smell like stew.

Makes you wanna run a piece
of bread all over me, huh?

[ Laughs ]

Don't ever
do that to me again.

Can't you wear a bell
or something?

Oh. Well, box my peanuts,
wouldya look at that.

What?

A big hardware distributor
in Oklahoma

is having
a liquidation sale.

Everything's like
70% off.

Ooh.

But you gotta go to Tulsa
to pick it up.

70%? Wow.

I got fish once
for half off.

But you can deep fry
that stuff all day--

it still
don't smell right.

Yeah, this is top notch merchandise.

We could really
increase our profits.

But I'd need three trucks
the size of mine

to make it
worth the trip.

Oh, Danny boy.

Oh, this might be
your lucky day,

'cause I've got
an old trucking buddy,

and I bet you he would let me
borrow his big rig.

I wasn't serious.
I was just thinking out loud.

No, no. Really.

'Cause with Louise back
to watch The Lunch Box,

you and I
could hit the road.

A couple of days,
just the two of us,

making a crazy run to Tulsa
for the big tool grab.

You know what "tool" is
backwards, don't you?

You know what "tool" is
backwards?
No.

You know what it is?

"Loot." [ Laughs ]
"Loot."

Loot, loot, loot,
loot, loot, loot.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Come on.

No, it could be really fun,
'cause you and I,

we hardly ever get the chance
to hang out by ourselves.

There's a reason
for that.

It's nature's way of
keeping us alive.

No. Come on.

Neville's on
a 24-hour emergency call

and you need somebody who
knows how to drive a semi.

Don't be
a stubborn old goat.

Okay, I'll do it. Yeah.

I'll do it for my kids. Great.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If this
business survives,

I want to leave
my part of it to them.

Yeah,
and it's for me, too.

You know,
I'm looking forward

to getting
behind the wheel again.

That last accident,
that was so horrendous,

really
shook my confidence,

so I gotta get
back on the horse.

- Captions by VITAC--

♪

Hey.
[ Door closes ]

I brought you something

from the can company orientation.

They are a pair
of sweatpants that say

"Best Can in the Business"
on the back.

Huh?

Obviously they didn't
run that by HR.

What's going on here?

Aunt Becky left
some notes for you.

Alright.

"Thank you for
your detailed notes.

Here are some additional
detailed notes."

[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]

"If you find yourself
sitting down,

this device
will be helpful."

Very cute, Beck.

This is your passive aggressive
shot at all my notes, right?

The goal was
aggressive-aggressive, but okay.

Listen, the reason
I left all the notes

is because there were things
that needed to get done

while I was gone.

Look, I don't mind
being the one

that has to
stay on top of stuff,

but sometimes,
I need a little help.

A little help?

You gave me every big chore
in the house,

and you know
how busy I am.

Well, you weren't
too busy

to go to the farmer's market
with Harris.

[Lowered voice] With everything
that Harris has been through,

I thought you'd be happy

that I've been
getting her out of the house.

I am, but you're not
the only person

that can take her
to the movies

or go get coffee or whatever
else you guys do.

I mean, maybe you could
stay home a little more,

'cause there's stuff that
has to happen here, too.

Of course there is.

I really should have
expected this.

Expected what?

Oh, come on!

This is about
it being your house

and you
"letting" me stay here

and me having to
pay the price for it.

This goes back to being
the older sister

who always hassled you,

and now you're
hassling her back.

No, I don't need to
hassle you back.

It was game over
when I got Ben.

[ Container thumps ]

This is about us.

It's not about how life
bitch-slapped Ben.

I'm only
asking you to help

because I don't want to think
that I'm the only one who cares.

You're not the only
one who cares!

You're the only one who's
a sad, little, pathetic hobbit

who has to
control people.

You've opened
the Ark of the Covenant.

Prepare for your face
to melt.

I'll do the housework,
but I don't want to hear

one word from you about
how I should do it.

Fine.
It's all yours.

Screw you!

Wash a dish!
I will!

I can keep this house as
clean and organized as you can

without behaving like
a 16th-century syphilitic king!

I don't think you made that up
in the moment!

♪ I'm going, I'm going where
the water tastes like wine ♪

♪ I'm going where the water
tastes like wine ♪

♪ We can jump in the water ♪

♪ Stay drunk all the time ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪
[ Scatting ]

Like the old days, Dan.

5-hour Energy shot
and homemade jerky.

I'd be a vibrating
salt lick

looking for the one rest stop
with toilet paper.

Good times.

Hey, I gotta admit,
this is kinda fun.

Nothing like

the "trapped on an airplane
with a crying baby" experience

I was expecting.

Okay, Dan,
it's your turn.

It's the black Kia
coming up.

Siblings or dating?

Oh, she's crying--
he's pounding the dashboard.

Neither one.
They're married.

Oh.
Okay, your turn.

Silver Honda
coming up next.

Uh, teacher
or meth dealer?

Uh, he's got all his belongings
in his car with him,

so he clearly can't afford
a place to live,

so I'm gonna go
with teacher.

"Math makes me horny."

"My other car is a bike."

You nailed it--
teacher.

By the way,
you owe me 11 bucks.

What for?

That breakfast stop
back in St. Louis.

That was your share
of the bill.

Come on, I just assumed that
you'd pick that up.

I mean, I got us a truck
and I'm driving.

Yeah.

I think we should pay
for our own meal.

You were the one who wanted to
go to the fancy sit-down buffet.

Yeah, well,
I'm really sorry

that I made you
rub elbows

with the Vanderbilts
and the Rockefellers

at the omelet station

where there was a Band-Aid
in the diced onions.

No, I'm just saying,
I think you could afford it.

I saw the debit card
Neville gave you

when you paid for
the fuel.

Um, excuse me? How do you know
Neville gave it to me?

It was customized.

Wells Fargo doesn't issue
standard cards

with a picture of a horse
squeezing out a foal.

Okay, Neville gave me
a card to buy gas.

So what?

Well, you're married to
a guy that's making money.

You know I'm strapped.
[ Scoffs lightly ]

You could pay for
your own meal.

Yeah, I could,
or you could realize

everything that
I'm doing for you

and just stop being
so ridiculous.

All I'm saying is you're
throwing money around

with a card that exploits
a horse's very private moment.

Oh, Dan, my God.
All I did was buy gas.

Look,
I think the family has

done enough for you
over the years.

Now that
you're doing better,

the least you could do

would be to give back
a little for once.

For once?!

[ Brakes squeal ]
Okay.

No, yeah. You're right.
[ Air brake hisses ]

I never give anything.

All I do is take.

Well, I'm giving you
control of the truck.

You drive.

[ Engine idling ]

You gotta be kidding me!
[ Truck door closes ]

[ Engine idling ]

I don't know how to
drive this thing!

Yeah,
see you at home, Dan.

I'll just be out here
waiting for the first guy

looking for some sweet young
thing to drive with him.

Well, then, we're both gonna be
here for a while!

[ Shouts ]

♪

Wow.

Hey,
I was looking for you.

What you doing?

Aunt Becky and I are working on
a faster way to make lunches.

She came up
with this great idea

to put everything you need
to make a sandwich

in one drawer.

Meat, cheese,
fruit, drinks.

Makes it so much easier.

She found a harder way
to make a Lunchable.

Hey, why don't you put
that food away

and you and I can grab lunch
at that taco place you like?

I can get
their vegan tacos.

I can't right now.

I'm gonna help
Aunt Becky clean.

We're gonna put Swiffer
pads on our feet,

listen to Bruno Mars, and
cha-cha slide the place clean.

Alright. Um, well,
how about tonight?

Oh, I'd love to,
but Aunt Becky and I

are taking Beverly Rose
to Chuck E. Cheese,

and if I remember correctly,

you're not
allowed there.

Well, Mr. Cheese and I got
into a small argument.

It got slightly physical,
but I mean, my God,

that was like
two months ago.

I just tried this
in the bathroom

and it works great.

And now you're bringing those
toilet pads into the kitchen?

That's disgusting.

I'm putting disinfectant
on the floor.

Your personality will kill
the germs that are left.

The housekeeping needs
to get done anyway.

We might as well
have fun doing it.

But it's not fun.
It's stupid.

You're just giving the dirt
a tour of the house,

and now you're dragging my
daughter into helping you do it.

Mom, relax.

She's not dragging me
into anything.

I offered to help.

Oh, well, then you're
helping her mock me.

You know, she's always trying
to make me look like

I'm the crazy,
controlling one

and she's the fun one
to hang out with.

Like I'm insane.
Like I'm intense!

You know what?
I'll tell you something.

I am the chill one!

My God, what
did they do to you

at that can company
orientation?

Nothing.
It was great.

I got a ribbon for asking
the best questions.

I'm getting a lot of
Chuck E. Cheese energy in here.

Apropos of nothing, uh...

what's going on?

You're not gonna get it.

You're never gonna understand
what it does to a mother

to see their daughter
and their sister

skating around on mop feet.

Hey, why don't you tell me
all about

your pretty little ribbon
while we walk you to bed?

♪

Look,
I take it all back.

If we don't get to
the distributor soon,

all that's gonna be left
are garden gnomes

and welcome mats that say,
"Shoes off, pants optional."

Yeah. Well, you should've
thought of that

before you were
so nasty to me.

What'd you do that for?

I don't know.

You were waving that
shiny new debit card around,

and I'm driving all the way
to Tulsa

trying to keep
my business afloat.

You're not really worried
about the store, are you?

It's been a tough year.

Between the pandemic
and inflation

and
supply chain issues,

it hasn't been great.

Look, I'll be honest,
I really wish

I had another 1,000 bucks
to spend at that sale.

It's not what you think, Dan.
I'd help if I could.

You can't or you won't?

I don't know what
you think I have, Dan.

Neville gave me that debit card
just only for gas.

Yeah, it's for gas,
but it's not like

you don't
share a bank account.

[ Scoffs ] I'm not gonna discuss
my finances with you.

Okay. Well, yeah.

You and Neville have money
and we don't

and you're feeling guilty.

No, I don't feel guilty
about anything

because I don't have access
to Neville's money.

Oh, come on.
You're married.

We don't commingle
our money, okay?

Really?
That's weird.

Well, you think
I don't know that?

You don't think that I think
about that every day?

He probably thinks that
the marriage isn't gonna last

and he's got one foot
out the door.

[ Sighs ]

I swear to God,

if this is a trick to
get breakfast out of me...

I was raised very poorly.

And then I'm scared to
press the issue because,

you know, I'm not sure that I
really want to hear the answer.

I'm sorry. I just need
a couple more minutes.

But... I mean, can I ask
you a question?

You and Louise-- you guys put
your money together?

Oh, yeah.

First thing I did was slap
my name on her checking account.

Lowered her credit score
100 points.

Now neither of us can get a loan
for an above-ground pool.

Yeah,
but I pay my bills.

I-I wouldn't hurt Neville's
credit at all.

It's not like
he doesn't love you.

He's crazy about you.

Maybe he's just got
weird stuff about money.

Yeah, I don't know.

He married late, his parents
had a horrible marriage,

so maybe he's just
hedging his bets

because all he sees is doom and
divorce around every corner.

But I don't-- it just really--
it keeps me up at night.

You know you're gonna
have to just ask him.
[ Sighs ]

You can't live in fear
about what this means.

If you don't talk about
this stuff,

you can't be really close
to someone.

I know. You're right.
I'll get around to it.

[ Sniffles ]
No, you won't.

You're gonna do it
right now...
Ok--

...because I'm here, and you'll
feel better once you did it.

Or incredibly worse.
We'll find out.

Oh, my God.

Hey, baby.

Huh? Oh, we're
getting along just great.

[ Chuckles ]
Anyway, I'm, uh,

running a little low
on the debit card

[breathes sharply]
and I was just wondering...

wouldn't it be easier
if we just

had one account
for the both of us?

Really?

[ Scoffs ] Why not?

Oh, you don't
trust my family.

Well,
I don't think that...

[Lowered voice]
...they'd try

and squeeze every dime
out of me,

and "grifters"--
that's a pretty harsh term.

So, hon, we'll--

let's, uh,
talk about that later--

when I get back, okay?

Yeah. No, no.
We're good.

I know, baby.

I know you would give me
anything that I wanted.

Could you, uh, transfer
$1,000 into my account?

[ Mouths words ]
Okay.

Oh, thank you, honey.
Thank you so--

No, I will never tell Dan, uh,
about the grifter thing ever.

Okay. Thanks.
Bye-bye.

Oh, my God.

I'm so glad that
you made me do that.

I feel so much better now.

He just didn't want
to commingle our money

because he's afraid
you guys will suck me dry.

[ Laughs ]

We'll talk about
that later.

Yeah.

But you know you're gonna get
the thousand bucks back

as soon as we
sell the merch.

No, I know that.
So, we gotta hit the road.

The place is open
for five more hours.

We got a two-hour drive.

So I just gotta put
the pedal to the metal.

Alright.
Oh, my God. [ Laughs ]

That's exactly what I said
before the-- the accident.

The, uh, state trooper told me
that he'd never seen a semi...

[ Slurps ]

...that cleanly
split in half before.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

♪

How long have you
been doing that?

'Cause I ate a muffin off
that table yesterday,

and I've been
feeling weird ever since.

Oh, please.

If anything, it'll help you
build up your immune system.

Alright, that's it.
You and Darlene have to talk.

Why?
She's acting crazy.

Well, first of all, because
you are a terrible housekeeper.

You were just
mopping the table.

And second, there are things
not being said

between you and your sister,
and it needs to come out.

Fine.

I will listen to anything
she has to say.

Mm. Darlene, can you come
into the kitchen, please?

Yeah?

Becky has
something to say.

No, I don't.

Darlene has
something to say.

I'm good.

Okay.

Somebody's
gotta say something,

'cause I got
a low-grade fever,

and I'm pretty sure
it's the norovirus.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

What'd I do
to piss you off?

Like, from birth
or recently?

Okay, if you don't want to talk,
I will get back to work.

Alright, wait.

I-I don't like the way

you're monopolizing
all of Harris's time.

What?

We went to the farmer's market
and a couple of movies.

You say that like
it's so simple.

It is.
We went out and had some fun.

I don't know what
you're getting at.

Well, I hate that
it's so easy for you like that,

because it's always been
so hard for me.

You know, Harris and I
have always had

this complicated relationship,

and her moving in with us

was supposed to be
like a restart,

but she's so much
more comfortable with you

that I'm having a hard time even
squeezing in a day with her.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

I had an inkling that
something was going on

when you had that
psychotic break.

And I'm sorry that I dumped
all this work on you.

I guess I was trying to
keep you busy

so I could get
Harris's attention,

and then maybe
I was trying to punish you

because I felt
a little jealous.

Well, you handled it
like a maniac, but I get it.

I get mad if someone even
reads Beverly Rose a story

I haven't read to her yet.

And then I gotta hear

about how Ben makes
Peanut Butter the Dog

so funny and British.

That's why I always made
my kids read the books to me,

and then I'd tell them,
"This better be funny."

[ British accent ]
Are we all friends again?

Because
Peanut Butter the Dog

needs someone
to drive him to urgent care.

♪

Come on, Dan. Come on.
We gotta get-- Come on.

Dan, come here. Dan.

Why don't you come over here
and talk to me by the pie?

Dan?

There he goes.
There he goes.

Now he's walking. Okay.

Now we can go right out
to the truck.

You know,
you're gonna be fine.

It was a freak accident--

could never happen again.

Although, it was
really beautiful

seeing all those
magnificent horses running free,

silhouetted against

the fireball
that was once a truck.