All language subtitles for The.Conners.513

♪♪

Wow. Fried chicken and donuts
for breakfast.

Did your heart say something
that pissed you off?

Why are you always
sticking up for my heart?

My tastebuds could use
some support, too.

Uh, with Louise on the road
and your sister

over at her friend's
most of the time,

I'm like the kid
from "Home Alone,"

if he guzzled beer
and mainlined bacon.

Louise's plant in the bathroom
is already dead

because I'm not around.

If you turn all brown
and shrivel up,

she's gonna be
super mad at me.

I can take care of myself,
thank you.

And to what do we owe
the honor of your presence?

I'm giving Harris a ride
to work, and along the way,

she's gonna help me with
my paper on teenage alcoholism.

You know, Mark, I started
drinking when I was 14,

and I'm a little hurt that you
turned to an amateur for help.

I'm sorry, there are just
so many people in this family

who drank as children --

it was an embarrassment
of riches.

[ Knock on door ]
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Perfect timing.
That's for me.

I got Bev a caregiver
off Craigslist.
Oh.

I gave her your address

'cause I don't want
sketchy people like that

knowing where I live.

Eileen, hi.
Hi.

Oh, it's so nice to finally
meet you in person.

I'm Jackie.
Hi.

This is
my brother-in-law, Dan.
Hello.

Come on in.
Why don't you have a seat?
Thank you.

Um, so...

[ Chuckling ]
Well...

how was the first day
with Mom?

[ Breathes sharply ]
Look, I-I-I'm not a nurse,

and I just make extra cash, uh,
babysitting seniors.

My wife does that for free.
[ Laughs ]

But she gets to live
in splendor.

A-And some of them
have memory problems,

but this wasn't just
a confused old woman.

This was a targeted attack
on my deepest insecurities.

Oh, my God, she commented
on your hair.

No.
The lazy eye?

Maybe --

Maybe that's enough
guesses for now.

Let's let her
finish her story.

I-It's not important.

Um, I just came by to say

that I can't take care
of your mom.

I'd rather go back
to the dog food factory

and feed horse skeletons
into the grinder.

Sounds like a lateral move
to me, but that's your call.
[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]
You hired her to take care
of Bev without even meeting her?

She's the only one
I could afford, Dan.

There's gotta be
somebody else.

Some no-account drifter
just passing through town.

Ohh.

I can't afford
a registered nurse,

so I'm doing the best I can
with what's available.

In the meantime,
Harris, Mark,

I need you guys to go over
and watch Bev tonight.

No problem.

And, uh, Harris,
you've got the late shift

at the tattoo parlor,

so you can do the early shift
with Bev,

and then, Mark,
you can relieve her

when you get off school
at 3:00 every day.

Problem solved.

What? Every day?

Why is this all on us?

Well, you guys were concerned
about her,

and she trusts you, and she paid
for your computer camp.

Gave you her
dead husband's watch.

Well, no, I understand.

You kids have a life
of your own.

You like to make
your little TikToks

and watch your
Korean boy bands, so...

I-I'll -- I'll call you
when she's dead.

Okay, fine.
Fine.

We'll do it.
Fine.

Only if you want to.

What's going on, Jackie?
[ Door opens ]

Can't you ask Neville
to kick in...
[ Door closes ]

...or maybe move her in
with you guys?

I'm not burdening him
with the cost

of taking care
of my horrible mother.

And there's no way
she's living with me.

I finally found someone

who loves and accepts me
unconditionally.

If I let her in the house,
she'll just destroy that.

That's what she does.

Birds gotta swim,
fish gotta fly.

Mm.

Yeah.

♪♪

Mmmmm. Food.

[ Whispering ] Don't move.
There's a bear in the kitchen.

God, Dad.

You taking care of yourself
with Louise out of town?

It's sausage, not heroin.

I'm fine.

Well,
they'll both kill you.

It's just a matter
of how many pallbearers

it takes to lift
the coffin.

Hey, Dad.
Hey.

Glad I caught you.

Have I told you how much
I appreciate

you building this house for me
and how perfect it is?

No, you have not.

Okay, here's why...

So, the plumbing is making
terrible noises.

Now, I-I'm grateful
that you did it all for free,

but free doesn't
have to mean crappy.

I'm sure they're not
terrible noises.

[ Scoffs lightly ]
Mark, shower!

[ Loud rattling ]

Mommy, the wall monsters
are back!

[ Gasps ]

It's okay, honey.

It's just Grandpa's
half-assed workmanship.

Hey, I did it right.

I'll come over and see what's
going on when I get free later.

Oh, hey, look, Dan, I know
you got a lot on your plate,

so if you want, I can take
a shot at fixing it.

Absolutely not!

"Taking a shot"
does not inspire confidence.

"Ah, we've begun our descent
into Chicago.

Uh, we're gonna take a shot
at landing this plane. Uhhh."

"Uh, this is
your co-pilot.

Relax, sit back,
and kiss my ass."

Oh, you got
an extra house key?

Oh, that's not necessary.

I'm gonna be home all day.

For if I get over here late
when you guys are all asleep.

Well, why can't you just
come over after work?

Chuck and I planned
a guys' night.

We're gonna go bowling,
shoot pool,

and maybe hit
the all-night diner

for a pancake nightcap.

Wow.
When the cat's away,

the old, creaky mouse
rolls off the couch to play.

Yeah, I'm not gonna sit
at home

waiting for my woman
to come off her tour.

And there's nobody at the house
to worry about it anymore,

so my time to howl.

Alright, well,
the keys are there,

but just don't overdo it.

Please be sure to check
your blood pressure,

wear
your compression socks,

and, you know, send us a pin of
wherever you're going to be.

Otherwise, rage on, dude.

♪♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front
of a live studio audience.

[ Softly ]
Okay, so what's this about?

[ Softly ] You need to see her.
She is not good.

And this would have been
a lot easier

if we could have
brought her to your house.

I told you
I don't want her

getting her hate-dander
in my new carpet.

Aunt Jackie, we have
a real problem here.

I know you're
talking about me.

I demand that you hear my side
of the story

before these two monsters
make up more lies about me.

What happened, Mom?

They're liars and thieves.

The girl one was rifling through
my scarf drawer last night.

I was looking for something
I could use as a gag.

An admission of guilt!

Mom, that's Harris.

I don't care who she is.

She's taking things,
and so is the boy.

Right now, he's wearing
my husband's watch

right in front of me.

She gave it to me.
Oh!

Why would I do that?

It's worth a lot of money.

You're lucky my husband
hasn't noticed yet.

He's got a temper.

Mark,
give her the watch.

And those clothes?

They clearly came out
of my husband's closet.

No one your age dresses
like that.

I'm not taking off
my clothes.

Mark, Harris, let me talk
to you guys for a second

in the other room.

Mom, you finish
your cereal,

and I'll take care
of all this.

Hey, hey, hey!

Okay, first days
are always hard.
Hard?

Last night, she turned off
the lights and lit candles

so the Germans wouldn't see us
during The Blitz.

She thought she was
a young girl in England.

She's never even been
to England.

So just play along
with her little stories.

There's no harm in that.

Is there harm in her running out
of the house last night

and trying to bum cigarettes
from cars that are driving by?

Oh, my God.

Did somebody
almost hit her?

We know the answer
you'd like to hear, but no.

And it was really scary.

We can't keep doing this.
[ Sighs ]

We don't want
to be responsible

if something really bad
happens.

You need to get
a real nurse.

Mm.
And a strong one.

She's 96,
but she's powered by Ensure

and generational evil.

Yeah. I hear you.

Okay, I think I know
the answer to this,

but I'm gonna
ask it anyway.

Is this something that could be
solved with...

baby gates?

♪♪

Dad?

Hey.

Dad.

What time is it?

It's 9:00 am.

Holy cow.

I started working on the pipes,
and I guess I conked out.

I haven't slept that hard
in a long time.

Beverly Rose,
Grandpa's here!

You can brush
your teeth now!

Thanks
for fixing it, Dad.
Mm.

[ Loud rattling ]

[ Beverly Rose screams ]

Turn it off!

I thought you fixed it?

Sorry. But I did look at it,
and I realize now

it's a lot more complicated
than I thought.

I'm gonna have to come back here
again tonight.

Yes, please.

Beverly Rose had to sleep
with me again last night.

She's a kicker.
She's a hitter.

It's like trying to spoon
with a tiny cage fighter.

Look, Dad,
if it's too hard,

I can just hire someone
to help with the pipes.

Oh, I don't need help.

And I've got the key,

so I won't bother you
when I come in late.

Late again tonight?

I'm getting straight A's,
Mom.

Why can't I hang out late
with the other kids? Gawd!

This is crazy.
[ Door closes ]

He's going out every night
drinking.

He's going
to his old white man raves

or whatever he's doing.

Yeah, we gotta watch him.

Mark told me he was eating
fried chicken

for breakfast
the other day.

He's clearly not sleeping.

He's not in good enough shape
to have fun.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey. Any luck finding
a caregiver for Bev?

If you don't,
Mark's going up the river

for stealing every gift
she's ever given him.

I did find one.

She should be here any minute
for the interview.

One?!

You were supposed to
narrow it down to four or five.

Well, I tried.

First, I picked out
all the ones

with keywords
in their résumé like,

"caring," "compassionate,"
"love," "God."

Then I tossed them 'cause
she'd just peck 'em clean

'til there was nothing left
but bones and hair.

So, why this one?

Well, 'cause she's got
impeccable credentials

working in memory care,
and she knows martial arts.

Eventually, the job's
going to require force

rather than explanation.

Oh, my God!
[ Chuckles ]

What?

You see how much
she charges?

Even if I put Bev
in a daycare facility,

I'm still gonna need this woman
for, like, 12 hours a night.

That's like
300 bucks a day.

What is that a year?!
Somebody do the math!

Look, this is her.
Just be chill.
[ Door closes ]

Hi. I'm Darlene.
Hi.

Please sit anywhere.
We'll just be a minute.

Okay.
Oh, my God.

Don't tell her to sit down.
I can't afford her.

Bev is running into the
middle of the street, Jackie.
Ohh!

You need someone
to keep her safe.

Why? She didn't do that
for me or Roseanne.

She would leave us with
our crazy rageaholic father,

or else stash us at Nana Mary's
for months at a time

while she was off doing
God knows what.

Alright, well,
the other option

is to put her
in a crowded state facility,

and, yeah, she hasn't
always been a saint,

but I don't think
you want that.

Mm. I maybe want that.

I mean, it could thin out
once everybody got to know her.

Aunt Jackie.
I know.

I know.

Damn her for putting me
in this situation.

She never saved a dime,

knowing that her kids
would have to take care of her.

She's always been selfish
and narcissistic.

Mm.
So, her name's Carrie,

and she grew up
just outside of Lanford,

so she's a local,
and she's a quilter.

Thanks for waiting.

Well, caring for people
suffering from dementia

requires
a lot of patience.

Yeah.
Save the spiel.

I'm Jackie.
I'm the daughter.

Um, so let's
get down to it.

Obviously,
you're qualified.

Uh, but for what
you charge,

you're gonna have to actually
cure her dementia,

and, uh, even so, I-I'm not
really sure it's worth it.

Well, I know this is a
difficult time for you, Jackie.

It's a big financial burden.

But I'm highly trained,

and there's nothing
your mom can throw at me

that I can't handle.

You'll
get to stop worrying,

and I'll give her the care
and dignity she deserves.

Okay, well,
what if we did the care

and then, the dignity,
we just...

But what
would that cost me?

Look, give me a week.

If you don't think
it's worth it,

at the worst, your mom got
one good week of care.

Mm.
Well, yeah.

I mean,
I do like the idea

of my mom
getting used to good care

and then taking it away.

It's refreshing
you don't even try

to cover up
your resentment.

Oh, no, this is her covering up
her resentment.

So, I'll call you later
with the details.

Thank you.

I'll see you
tomorrow night.
Mm.

I can't believe

I'm actually even considering
doing this.

I'm gonna have to spend
every dime I've ever saved.

Maybe even take out a loan
against the restaurant.

Oh, man, now that I know
what it costs,

maybe I should let my dad eat
whatever he wants.

♪♪

I don't want to wake him up,
but he's on my calculus book.

I really need it.

Well, think about how grumpy
he gets when you wake him up,

and then ask yourself,

"Am I ever really gonna use
calculus?"

Just pull it out real fast,
you know,

like that tablecloth trick.

Wow.
I-I think it really helps

when the tablecloth
is hungover.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, he's gotta
go to work.

We have to wake him up,
right?

Hey.
Come on, buddy.

We got a pallet...
[ Door closes ]

...full of low-flush toilets
to unload.

[ Sighs ]

You know, when I hear out loud
what I do for a living,

I get a little sad.

I need to sleep.

Go away.
I'll finish the pipes tonight.

This is not like my dad.

He's an early riser.

Now he can't even get up off
the couch and he's disoriented?
Mm.

I'm gonna let him sleep now,
but, you know,

we gotta ambush him
at his place later.

I'm not gonna let him keep doing
what he's doing

all the way to the hospital.

Well, it's a good idea,

but I'm gonna
leave that up to you guys

'cause
I double-dog-dared him

to eat 12 Slim Jims
yesterday,

so...telling him
to take care of himself

would be kind of a mixed message
coming from me.

[ Country music plays ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone ringing ]

[ Music stops ]

Oh, hey, Darlene.

Everything okay?

Great.
Can't talk right now.

I'm at the casino.

Yeah. Yeah.
I know.

It sounds like that
'cause I just stepped outside.

No, I'm totally fine.

Yeah, I'm killing it
at the blackjack table,

but I'll be over
later tonight.

I gotta go.
I see some people I know.

What the hell
is going on, Dad?

Why wouldn't you want us
to know that you're home?

That's my business.

Why are you spying on me?

We didn't come to spy.
We came to ambush.

Because we're worried
about you.

You're out every night

doing fun things
I'm not invited to.

The only night I went out
was bowling with Chuck.

Then why do you keep
coming over so late at night

to work on the plumbing?

'Cause that's when I want
to do it.

But you're not even
doing it.

You're just falling asleep
on the couch.

I-It doesn't make
any sense,

unless you don't know
how to fix the pipes

and you're just
too embarrassed to admit it.

I know how to fix the pipes.

I just needed to sleep,
alright?! Damn!

I don't get it.

[ Sighs ]
Why do you have to sleep
at our place?

Because it's the only place
I can sleep.

I started having trouble when
Louise went on tour last month.

Alright,
so you miss Louise.

Why didn't you
just tell us?

Because that's not
the problem.

Louise came home
for a few days last week

and I still couldn't sleep.

Okay, then you've
got insomnia.

We'll get you
a sleep machine.

No, that's not the problem
either.

Good God, man,
throw me a bone here.

These are good guesses.

Look...

ever since
your mother died,

it started
running through my head

that bad things
could happen to you guys

any time
when I'm not around.

And then you all moved out.

And I can't sleep unless
I know you all are safe.

Oh, my God, Dan.

That is so sweet.
Thank you.

I'm not talking about you,
meathead.

I'm talking about
my family.

You should have
just told us.

Told you what?

That I'm a grown man

who's scared of his thoughts
in the night?

You'll never hear that
from me.

Dan, she just did.

I'm still very tired.
Leave me alone.

Dad, you've been around
our whole lives

and tons of bad things
have happened.

And we got through it because
you have done a great job

teaching us
to be self-sufficient.
Mm.

Except for the part where
we can't hold down a job...
[ Sighs ]

...and have to move
back home.

This is an easy problem
to solve, Dad.

Just come over and stay
at our house

until you work through this.

No.

I need to tough it out
and sleep in my own bed.

Good for you.

And you guys will take turns
sleeping on the couch

till I can shake
this thing.

Alright,
I'll sleep over first.

Oh, I don't care
what happens to you.

You can be anywhere.

He's mean to me
because he loves me.

Now I see
where you get it from.

♪♪

Oh, Carrie just texted.

The week is up,
so she's stopping by

to see
if I can keep her on or not,

which I really can't.

So, um,
what's your evening like?

I have to babysit Grandpa
tonight.

You people are
slowly killing me.

Mm.

Oh, well, uh, you didn't have
to physically return her.

She needs fresh air.

And I need to go over
some things with you.

-Mm.
-Okay.

Here we go.
Okay.

Alright, just an update --

her vitals are good,
she's eating better,

and her blood pressure
is nice and low.

Don't you got
any good news?

She's gonna need
some physical therapy

for that improperly healed
broken arm.

Broken arm?
When did that happen?

Mm. I think
a pretty good while ago.

But you need to ask her.

She didn't want to talk
about it.

I just got
her medical records.

Okay. Well, does this mention
the burns she got

from when Dorothy
threw the water on her?

Hello, Jackie.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, you remember
who I am.

Okay, so, Mom,
what is all this about

you breaking your arm

in 1965?

That's before we moved in
with Nana Mary.

We were still living
with Dad.

5643 Christiana. Elgin.
Third floor --

Okay. Okay.
Calm down.

Calm down, beautiful mind.
Yeah.

So while we're going
through this,

you want something to eat,
or...?

I wouldn't eat anything
in this ptomaine tabernacle.

Mm. Moving on.

"Patient brought in to hospital
by mother..."

That's Nana Mary.

"With her two young girls.
Refuses cast."

[ Sighs ]
Well, that's why
it never healed right.

Why in the world would you
say no to a cast?

I don't want
to talk about this.

How did you break your arm
in the first place?

Why didn't Dad
bring you in?

Where was Dad?
I don't know.

Stop asking questions.

Mom, did Dad do this?

Why do you keep asking?

I didn't want you to know
what he did.

He was gonna hit you,
and I stopped him,

and he broke my arm.

Oh, my God.

That's why we moved in
with Nana Mary.

Well, I couldn't let him
hurt you two.

You girls didn't do anything.
You were just little girls.

Stop making me talk
about this.

I need to leave.
Okay.

Mom, Mom.
I-I just --

I had no idea.

Thank you.

I-I need to go.

Okay.

Well, Carrie's gonna take you
home and stay with you tonight,

and, um, she's gonna be
helping us from now on.

Don't worry, Beverly.
I'm right here.

Not that arm, dummy.
That's the bad arm.

What kind
of a nurse are you?

Come on.

Thanks.

Everything okay?

Yeah.
It's just that...

that milkshake's
gonna cost you $300.

♪♪

How's your stew?

You mean the roadkill
they throw into a pot

with a couple of carrots?

Terrible.

Forget about that.

I brought you something
very special.

Aww, you didn't have to
do that, Grandma Bev.

You don't know this, but this
is my late husband's watch.

I want you to have it.

No, you don't.