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1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:04,883
♪♪
2
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:11,346
Hello.
3
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,135
I'd like to know your name
because I'm going to have
4
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,678
to tell the police
who I shot.
5
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:17,432
I'm Kai.
6
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:19,654
It means "ocean."
7
00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:22,555
I'm Dan. It means, "What
the hell are you doing here?"
8
00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:24,534
I'm a friend
of Harris's.
9
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:27,105
Actually, we've been seeing
each other for a few weeks.
10
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,150
Grandpa, hey.
This is Kai.
11
00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:30,454
He needed
a place to stay,
12
00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:32,487
so I told him he could spend
a few nights here.
13
00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:35,241
Well, the place does give off
a "flop house" kind of vibe.
14
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,912
But before I say yes,
15
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:41,214
tell me something
about yourself.
16
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,708
Well, I'm in a season
of growth and transformation --
17
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,710
Just the bullet points,
Ocean.
18
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,422
I grew up with money,
19
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,222
but I found
it was corrupting me,
20
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:52,006
so I rejected it and turned
to a life on the road.
21
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,010
I'm gaining
authentic experiences
22
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,432
instead of trying to buy
my way to happiness.
23
00:00:56,431 --> 00:01:01,191
I'm not hearing "job"
anywhere in there.
24
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:03,436
How can you afford
to travel?
25
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:07,358
I meet a lot of good souls
along the way, like --
26
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:10,489
like your amazing
granddaughter, Harris.
27
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:14,828
And when I don't,
I hop trains
28
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:18,075
and eat perfectly good food
that people throw away.
29
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:21,078
Okay, I get it.
30
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,631
You're a commie hobo
with a goofy hat.
31
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,625
No.
32
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,797
Kai is just a-a free spirit
who writes poetry.
33
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,667
Actually, I met him
outside the tattoo shop,
34
00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,594
and he traded me a poem
for a tattoo.
35
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,974
Somehow you got screwed twice
on that deal.
36
00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:39,429
Louise, this is Kai.
37
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,143
He's gonna be staying over
for a little bit.
38
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,853
Cool.
Nice to meet you, Kai.
39
00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,984
Help yourself to anything
in the fridge.
40
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,941
Oh, except
the, uh, bologna log.
41
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,191
It belongs to this guy.
42
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:53,991
He measures it every night
before he goes to bed.
43
00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:56,066
14 and 5/8.
44
00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,831
Here,
you should wear this.
45
00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,248
It's sunny,
but it's cold out.
46
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,326
Where are you guys
headed?
47
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,132
The forest preserve.
It's a nice day out,
48
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,665
so we're gonna go expose
our perineums to the sun.
49
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:10,759
The perineum is an area that
doesn't get much sun exposure,
50
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,626
yet it's a tender barrier
to parts of the body
51
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,183
that need vitamin D.
52
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,723
Yeah. Can't you just go
in the bathroom
53
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,312
and squat
over a flashlight?
54
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,888
Okay, no family that gets
all of its vitamins
55
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:26,524
from fortified Lucky Charms
is going to understand this.
56
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:28,728
See you guys later.
57
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:29,902
Have a magical day.
58
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:37,784
♪♪
59
00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:39,913
What are you doing?
60
00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:41,370
I'm saging.
61
00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:42,910
There used to be
a funeral home here,
62
00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:45,333
so it's important to make sure
all the bad spirits are gone.
63
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,672
Hold on.
64
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,827
Darlene?
65
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,209
Yep?
It's not working.
66
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:53,263
You're just driving the bad
spirits into the kitchen.
67
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:57,222
Whoa, look at that.
What?
68
00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:58,549
It's your rent
going up.
69
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,104
Oh. The delivery guys
are coming.
70
00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:04,979
Yes!
The new couch is here.
71
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:12,034
You can just put it there
right in front of the TV.
72
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,935
Bold choice.
Maybe that will catch on.
73
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,738
Would you like us
to unwrap it?
No, no.
74
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,990
Uh, it's my first new couch,
so I want to unwrap it myself.
75
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:24,543
Slowly. Gently.
76
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:28,458
Maybe light a candle,
put on some music.
77
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,748
She just tells me to,
"Lose the pants."
78
00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:35,545
Yeah!
79
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,429
Hey, let's break
this baby in, huh?
80
00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:39,636
I'll unwrap it,
you guys order a pizza,
81
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:42,176
we'll take a little TV break
before we unpack anything else.
82
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,970
I -- Unh-unh.
Oh.
83
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:47,734
New rule -- no eating
or drinking on the couch.
84
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,307
And no sleeping in bed
or getting wet in the shower.
85
00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,613
[ Gasps ]
No sitting in chairs,
86
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:54,646
no standing
when you walk.
[ Laughs ]
87
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:55,941
I'm -- I'm serious.
88
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,824
Everything else in here
is stuff we already had.
89
00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,531
This is new,
so for once
90
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,741
let's not trash it up
the minute we get it.
91
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:05,501
But we always eat
and watch TV on the couch.
92
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,705
And now we're gonna do
what most families do.
93
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:10,416
We'll eat at the table
and talk about our day.
94
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,377
Ew.
Haven't you been
paying attention?
95
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:13,547
Our lives suck.
96
00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,843
How about a compromise?
97
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,630
We'll eat on the couch
and you'll eat at the table
98
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:20,844
and tell yourself
about your day.
99
00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:22,554
Show of hands?
100
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:25,644
O-Okay,
here's my compromise --
101
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:30,060
no one eats or drinks
on the couch, ever...
102
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,566
And?
103
00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:36,935
...and Becky and Mark don't
have to go live under a bridge.
104
00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:41,363
And you do not have
to go with them.
105
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,374
Hands?
106
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:47,499
The people have spoken.
107
00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,036
All I can do is go along
with them.
108
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:59,010
♪♪
109
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:08,097
♪♪
110
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:11,099
-- Captions by VITAC --
111
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,442
"The Conners" is recorded
112
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:15,227
in front of
a live studio audience.
113
00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:19,742
Alright, you and I need to have
a little talk about Kai.
114
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,856
Why? What's up?
115
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,743
Your man took the weed
that was drying out
116
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,990
in the basement
and left this --
117
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,702
"Sweet gange underground.
118
00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,452
A fertile crop
of friendship.
119
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,874
A sweet new bud's bud."
120
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:34,963
Ah. What the hell?
121
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,670
It's just a haiku.
122
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,050
Can I smoke it?
123
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:40,836
'Cause I really needed
that weed for my bad shoulder.
124
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,261
The weed is half mine anyways
because I grow it with you.
125
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:45,010
So, let's just say
he took my half.
126
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,511
We're dating,
it's really not a big deal.
127
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,232
I don't care
if she likes him.
128
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,055
He's gotta go.
129
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,100
Not only is the weed
a problem,
130
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,484
there's 1/8 of an inch
missing off my bologna.
131
00:05:56,481 --> 00:06:00,821
Yeah, I agree what the guy did
was sketch.
132
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,739
But you gotta come at Harris
a different way.
133
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,448
I'll talk to her tonight
after band practice.
134
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,118
Aw, you don't have to
do that.
135
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,617
It's gonna be rough.
136
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,368
She's used to
being mad at me.
137
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,960
Harris and I are building
a relationship.
138
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:15,626
And she'll be a lot less
defensive hearing it from me.
139
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,625
Okay, you remember that guy
that thought he was building
140
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:20,127
a special relationship
with the grizzly bears?
141
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,670
He said,
"I'm your friend."
142
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,224
What the grizzly bears
heard was,
143
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,757
"Pull my head off.
It's delicious."
144
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,104
Chip me.
145
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,783
Are you guys really gonna
keep doing this?
146
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:43,735
Darlene's just treating
this couch like it's a new car.
147
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,447
After the first ding,
she'll chill out.
148
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,368
No, this is different.
149
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:51,116
Before she went to bed, she
said, "Good night. I love you."
150
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:53,999
I was in the room, but I knew
she was talking to the couch.
151
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,036
[ Vehicle approaches ]
152
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,751
-She's home!
-Oh! Okay.
153
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,712
Uh, Beverly Rose,
this is not a drill.
154
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,053
I need your beer, Grandpa.
155
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,549
Grandpa needs it more,
sweetie.
156
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,804
You gotta lose the beer,
Dad.
157
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,894
A drifter took my weed,
I'm keeping my beer.
158
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:16,393
Oh.
Oh, hey, gurl!
159
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:17,774
Hey,
what's shakin', bacon?
160
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,441
Where you gals been?
161
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,529
So, somebody left their Costco
card at The Lunch Box.
162
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:23,935
We took it for a spin.
163
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,855
Darlene got some stuff
for the new house
164
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:32,374
and, Dan, I got you that 25
pound wheel of Parmesan Cheese.
165
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,455
Dad, I don't know
if you heard,
166
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:39,746
but I'm not letting my new couch
get trashed up, so...
167
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:42,211
I have heard,
and I'm not doing it.
168
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,302
Sooner or later
something's gonna happen
169
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,547
to this couch, Darlene.
170
00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,508
You need to accept that
now.
171
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,589
Look,
my house, my rules.
172
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:52,934
Ho, ho, ho.
173
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:56,311
I said that to you kids
your entire childhood.
174
00:07:56,309 --> 00:08:00,649
Now it's my turn to say,
"You suck, and I hate you.
175
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,777
You're, like,
ruining my life."
176
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:05,605
I'm not kidding, Dad.
177
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,320
You better be.
178
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,110
I built you this house,
and now you're gonna tell me
179
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,414
that I can't make myself
at home here?
180
00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:14,908
Yes. I've seen what it looks
like when you feel "at home."
181
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:18,081
I-I don't want my house
to look like yours.
182
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,458
You know what?
183
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:24,129
I don't need this.
184
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:26,169
I'm taking my friend,
Beer,
185
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,132
and we're going to go back
to my house
186
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,553
where I can watch TV
the way I always have.
187
00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:33,262
Jackie, would you please
drive me home
188
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,313
because I have enjoyed
four other friends
189
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,846
on an empty stomach.
190
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,937
♪♪
191
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,058
[ Door closes ]
192
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:49,402
Isn't it great we can both
watch a scary movie
193
00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,414
at the same time
on our phones?
194
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:54,236
[ Whispering ] Yeah, the only
thing that's a little annoying
195
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,952
is that it's not
at the same time.
196
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,622
You're seeing it
three seconds before me.
197
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,791
Oh, my God!
198
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,460
Two...three...
199
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,709
And there's a human foot
in the freezer.
200
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,301
[ Scoffs ]
201
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,666
It's ridiculous that Darlene
is doing this.
202
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,183
You should be here
watching this with me.
203
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,141
[ Whispering ] Hey.
204
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,970
Gotta go, Dad.
205
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,521
Uh...
What the hell, Ben?!
206
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:18,845
Here! Damn it!
207
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:21,480
See,
this is what happens...
208
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,098
when you have to sneak
around your own house.
209
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:26,734
Shh!
You're gonna wake Darlene up.
210
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,783
The stain
is not coming out.
211
00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:30,487
What are we gonna do?
212
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,907
I don't see
any alternative.
213
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,315
[ Sighs ]
214
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,663
We have to burn
the house down.
215
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:36,828
No, no.
216
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,196
She's just gonna run into
the flames
217
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,503
to save the couch,
see the stain,
218
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,747
and we're never gonna hear
the end of it.
219
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,579
I say we pin it
on Beverly Rose.
220
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:48,594
Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about.
221
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,548
And that's why I'm glad
you said it first.
222
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:51,338
Let's do it.
223
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:52,471
Okay, good. Good.
224
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:53,757
So you just gotta help me
plan it out.
225
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,680
Uh, Beverly Rose
has been eating
226
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:56,888
a lot of bananas lately,
right?
Yeah.
227
00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:58,058
Okay, so let's take
some of those
228
00:09:58,056 --> 00:10:00,306
and we'll smash them
into the carpet right here,
229
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:01,938
'cause I don't want her
talking her way out of this!
230
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:06,112
♪♪
231
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,476
Uh, where's Kai?
232
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,073
He's at
a 24-hour printer
233
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,398
getting his poetry
bound into books.
234
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:15,453
Oh, it's so cute
how he leaves a poem
235
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,948
every time
he takes anything.
236
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,200
[ Chuckles ]
237
00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:19,581
I'm glad you like him.
238
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:20,747
I do.
239
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:23,915
And I think there's a way
to smooth things out
240
00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,825
between him
and your grandpa.
241
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:29,304
If he just follows
a couple of house rules.
242
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,795
Oh, and maybe pays him back
for that weed
243
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,128
when he sells
some of the books.
244
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,854
Oh, he's not selling those,
he's giving them away.
245
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,255
He believes art belongs
to the people.
246
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,774
Yeah, usually after
they pay for it.
247
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:46,146
How is he, uh,
able to print copies?
248
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,806
He doesn't have a job.
249
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,324
I gave him a little bit
of money.
250
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,987
How much?
251
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,485
I don't know,
100 bucks.
252
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,607
$100?
253
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,163
Yeah.
254
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,077
I mean, I'm getting a lot back
in return --
255
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,535
he's sweet and cool
and I haven't had that
256
00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,116
since I broke up
with Aldo.
257
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:08,378
You know, I dated
a lot of cool, artsy guys,
258
00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:12,416
and they tend to be
pretty irresponsible with money.
259
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,422
Do you know the difference
between a drummer
260
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:16,264
and a large pizza?
261
00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:19,219
A pizza can feed
a family of four.
262
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,100
What are you saying?
263
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,717
That he's taking advantage
of me?
264
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:25,144
No, no, no, I'm just saying
that you might be overlooking
265
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:26,693
some of the red flags.
266
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,936
You know, like -- like stealing
and taking money from you
267
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,229
without knowing
how to pay you back.
268
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,203
Uh, convincing you to pull
your pants down in the forest
269
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,645
so you could get
some vitamin D.
270
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:38,494
Oh, my God, stop.
271
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:40,449
You're twisting everything
around to make him sound bad.
272
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,240
No, no, I'm not
twisting anything.
273
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,703
I'm telling you
the truth.
274
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,623
You don't know anything
about us.
275
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:47,172
Plus, I don't need to be judged
by someone
276
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,285
who didn't have
a real relationship
277
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,461
till she was in
her sixties.
278
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,668
Excuse me?
279
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,340
You heard me.
280
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,629
Fine.
281
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,012
I'm out.
282
00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:59,468
But don't come crying to me
when he disappears
283
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,009
and leaves you nothing
but a crappy book of poems
284
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,893
that you paid for.
285
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:06,020
They're not just poems!
286
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,517
Some of them are lyrics
to a rock opera
287
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:09,058
he's letting me produce!
288
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:15,858
♪♪
289
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:23,913
Beverly Rose.
290
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,410
Beverly Rose.
291
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,881
How did I get here?
292
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,130
What, you didn't
fall asleep here?
293
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,667
No.
294
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,631
Okay,
let's figure this out.
295
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,591
What is the last thing
you do remember?
296
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,221
I was in my bed.
297
00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:43,218
And I had a dream
that Mommy was carrying me,
298
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:46,061
and she talked to a wolf
that sounded like Ben...
Mm-hmm.
299
00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:48,597
...and the wolf smelled
like bananas.
300
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:52,364
Ben?! Becky?!
Get in this living room!
301
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,488
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.
302
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:02,317
Well, we are.
303
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,533
About a lot of things.
304
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:08,504
Uh, I'd rather not be specific
until we know what you know.
305
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,916
You clearly used
an innocent child
306
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:14,625
to cover your inability
to follow the simplest rules.
307
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:15,837
Oh, that.
308
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:17,297
Yeah.
309
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,547
Um,
I wouldn't say ashamed
310
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:22,469
so much as wishing
I'd done it better.
311
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,098
Come on.
312
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:25,965
Good luck, Ben.
Yeah.
313
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,892
Well, if you don't see me
for a couple of days,
314
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:30,350
check the yard for
a meticulously dug grave
315
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:31,941
with no crumbs on it.
316
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,266
God, you ruined my sofa,
Ben.
317
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,862
Okay.
318
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:38,567
See, "my sofa" is where
we have a problem,
319
00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:40,488
because it's my sofa,
too.
320
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,736
And you bought a white couch
for God's sakes.
321
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,239
I mean,
you gotta get over this.
322
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:45,990
And I thought
you got a handle
323
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,912
on your whole
control freak thing.
324
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,620
Look, we spilled because
you made us nervous,
325
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,711
and then when we tried
to clean it, it made it worse.
326
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,328
This is crazy!
327
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:56,464
You know what?
328
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:59,341
Why don't you
and your banana-wolf face
329
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:03,338
take all your purple juices
and your greasy snacks
330
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:06,302
and your dark, sweaty pants,
and your --
331
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:10,314
your pens that you cavalierly
leave the caps off of
332
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:12,688
and go
to my dad's house,
333
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:15,895
because he has no problem
with people staining his couch
334
00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:19,227
because he's not "crazy"!
335
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:22,033
So the couch is more important
than me?
336
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:25,568
You're gonna kick me out of
my own house over a couch?
337
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:28,873
No, I'm kicking you out
because there was one thing
338
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,078
that was important to me
and you cannot respect that.
339
00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:32,369
[ Chuckles ]
340
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,921
Fine, fine.
341
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,495
I hope you two
are very happy together,
342
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:39,091
and, you know, I can't wait
to read your obituary --
343
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:42,127
"She is survived
by her stain-free couch."
344
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,089
And matching ottoman.
345
00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:50,264
[ Knock on door ]
346
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:56,402
I heard about
the spill.
347
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:58,105
Don't you start too.
348
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,396
Everybody thinks
I'm crazy
349
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:01,228
for acting this way
about a couch.
350
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,994
Ben thinks I value it more
than our relationship.
351
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:06,316
Well, uh, the couch
is still here
352
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:09,202
and Ben's not,
so something's going on.
353
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:15,206
I don't know how this blew up
into such a huge thing.
354
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,666
All I wanted was to keep
my couch nice.
355
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,247
Why do you think
that is?
356
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:23,513
Jackie,
don't try to shrink me.
357
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:25,626
I wouldn't dare,
you're small enough.
358
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,218
But I think we need to get
to the bottom
359
00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:33,813
of why you're so obsessed
with this couch
360
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:36,188
that you've driven away
your husband and your father.
361
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,055
I think obsessed
is a little harsh.
362
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,105
Give me that.
363
00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:45,149
Okay, I'm obsessed.
364
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:47,203
I don't know why,
though.
365
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,946
It's like when I lived
in Chicago with the kids,
366
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,908
I literally pulled my couch
up off of the curb
367
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:53,909
and it was okay.
368
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:56,371
But I guess
I was just starting out,
369
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:59,632
and I-I thought
I'd be a success
370
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,335
and that one day,
371
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,585
there would be
this magical new couch.
372
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:06,008
Yeah, and you got it.
373
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:09,137
We're sitting on
a magic couch.
374
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,505
But what if it's
the last couch?
375
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:15,852
I mean, what if there is no more
magic furniture in my future?
376
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:18,600
You know, when I made
manager at Wellman, I --
377
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:21,193
I thought, "Well, this is what
life is gonna be like now.
378
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,189
And I'm gonna
keep climbing."
379
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:24,401
And then I lost
that job,
380
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,070
and I just cannot find
another one.
381
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,819
So you're just worried
that this was all a fluke
382
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,032
and you're not worth
what you thought you were.
383
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,793
What if it's true?
384
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:40,121
Oh, my --
I actually got one.
385
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:41,424
Oh, my God.
386
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:43,207
I mean,
this is a deep-seated fear
387
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,961
and that's really sad,
388
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:46,712
but let's not lose sight
of the fact
389
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,974
that I actually got one.
390
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,296
Having a really hard time
being happy for you.
391
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:56,144
Well, see, that's because
you're catastrophizing.
392
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:59,600
That's the old negative Darlene
popping up and telling you
393
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,812
that just because
you lost one really great job,
394
00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:03,652
you're never gonna get
another one.
395
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:07,239
So you do think I'm gonna get
another great job?
396
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,435
Of course I do.
397
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,824
But you've got to fix things
with Ben,
398
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,621
'cause
I'm just gonna say it --
399
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:17,156
everybody thinks that the odds
of you getting
400
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,371
another husband
that looks like him?
401
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,791
Slim to none!
402
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,585
Hi.
Hey.
403
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:30,680
Where are your books?
404
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,085
I want to show Louise
how cool they are.
405
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:34,053
Oh,
I didn't get them printed.
406
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,063
I was gonna, but I was
booking it down the street
407
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,635
on my skateboard,
racing a school bus,
408
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:40,851
and then this little sign
came out that said "stop,"
409
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:44,311
and my face did,
but my skateboard didn't.
410
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:47,733
Anyways, I lost my earbuds
and had to buy new ones.
411
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:50,613
So you -- you spent the whole
100 bucks on earbuds?
412
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,361
I wish
they were only 100 bucks.
413
00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:53,863
I had to take 40 more
out of your wallet.
414
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:55,494
What?
415
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,911
You took money
out of my wallet?
416
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,540
Since when do you care
so much about money?
417
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:02,498
I thought that didn't matter
with us.
418
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,538
I'd give you
anything I have.
419
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:07,342
Well, that's easy for you to
say, you don't have anything.
420
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:08,836
I could've used that money
for rent or --
421
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,718
or my share
of the utility bills.
422
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,545
Fine.
I-I'll pay you back.
423
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:16,011
Anger is like a cold wind,
chilling your bones.
424
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:18,972
Anger is hot,
everybody knows that.
425
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,683
Your poems suck.
426
00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:23,313
You stole from me
and took advantage of me.
427
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:25,021
You gotta find
somewhere else to stay.
428
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,401
This isn't working for me
anymore.
429
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:27,857
You can't
just kick me out.
430
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:29,687
Yes, I can.
431
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,862
No, you can't.
432
00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:33,861
Legally you can't make
a guest leave
433
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,743
without
30 days' notice.
434
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,990
Alright, alright,
what's going on?
435
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:39,492
You were right
about Kai.
436
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,413
He stole money from me,
and now he won't leave.
437
00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:44,462
Finish your lunch, Kai.
You're leaving.
438
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:47,127
I'll leave
when I'm ready to go.
439
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,836
Unless you're gonna pay
for a motel.
440
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,797
I'll get my checkbook.
441
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,377
I don't have
a checking account.
442
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,132
Oh, it's alright.
443
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,094
I don't have a check.
444
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:01,061
You're not gonna hit me.
You'll go to jail.
445
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,564
What the hell, lady?
446
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:08,061
You're an intruder.
That was a warm-up swing.
447
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:12,027
I'm not leaving
because I'm scared,
448
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:14,946
I'm leaving because
the universe says it's time.
449
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,905
Don't let the universe hit you
in the ass on the way out!
450
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,658
Oh, my God.
451
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,673
Thank you.
452
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,745
I'm all just kind of amped up
from threatening that guy.
453
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,291
Whew.
454
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:32,134
Idea -- how about we smoke
Grandpa's half
455
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:33,459
of the weed
to level out?
456
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:36,434
And we can write a crappy poem,
blame it on Kai.
457
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,715
Well, if we're gonna do that,
we're gonna get the munchies,
458
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:44,980
so why don't we blame him for
14 inches of bologna log, too?
459
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:49,523
♪♪
460
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,982
It's Darlene with
your food delivery.
461
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:55,532
Oh, who's not getting
their pizza tonight?
462
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,068
No one.
463
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,281
I bought it
because I feel bad.
464
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:02,581
I'm sorry for acting so crazy
about the couch,
465
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,696
but I talked about it
with Jackie,
466
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,714
and I figured out why.
467
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,746
And also,
I did steal that,
468
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:12,629
so I probably should talk
about that with Jackie, as well.
469
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,458
Anyway, I'm glad
Jackie helped you
470
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,263
work your way
through this,
471
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,427
because it's not the worst thing
in the world
472
00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:21,046
if your couch gets stained.
473
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,473
Your mom and I looked at them
as memories.
474
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,222
Mm.
475
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,484
Right there is where Becky cried
when she had a skinned knee,
476
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:29,976
then she realized
she was made of tougher stuff.
477
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:32,269
Over there is where I dumped
an entire beer
478
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:34,443
watching the Bears
win the Super Bowl.
[ Chuckles ]
479
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,902
And Ben's sitting where
your mom's water broke
480
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,202
when she had you.
481
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:46,287
Might've mentioned that when
I was face-down napping there.
482
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:57,798
Uh-oh, crumbs between
the cushions!
483
00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,298
No big deal.
484
00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:03,801
Oh, cheese dust
on my fingers.
485
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,934
I get what you guys are doing,
and I'm not pretending.
486
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,692
I've made peace that the couch
is gonna get stained,
487
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:10,595
and that's okay.
488
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,103
Sorry, guys, I fixed her.
489
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,864
I'm just that good.
490
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,026
So proud of you.
491
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:18,776
You really
worked through this.
492
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,608
[ Door closes ]
493
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:26,493
[ Dustbuster whirs ]
34124
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