All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S08E12 - Dear Uncle Abdul (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Dear Uncle Abdul...

Sorry it's been so long
since I've written you...

but I have a new job here.

I've been busier than
a one-armed paperhanger.

-Get it?
-[vehicle approaches]

But seriously, right now
there's a cease-fire, so--

We got wounded.

Huh? What are you talkin'
about?

How'd anybody get wounded?

A bunch of our boys
on a routine patrol

accidentally runs into
a bunch of their boys
doin' the same thing.

And everybody feels obliged
to start pullin' triggers.

-Klinger, take a memo.
-Okay, but I won't sit
on your lap.

To all Unit Commanders,
Korean Theater, both sides.

Dear Dummies: A cease-fire
means that firing ceases.

Won't work, Hawk.

Cease-fire
only works in a war.

This is a police action.

You can take it from me,
boys and girls,

this is a war.

It's my third,
and, God willing, my last.

A war by any other name
would smell just as rotten.

This little set-to
is different, though.

Seems like the reasons we're
here aren't as clear.

Quite true, Colonel.
There's no feeling of unity,

no brave slogans
to rally around,

like, uh,
"Remember Pearl Harbor."

Exactly, Padre.
In the last fracas,

people seemed to care.

We were all fighting it
together.

And in W.W.I,

people went around singing
♪ Over there, over there

That's what this war needs--
its own song. Let's see.

♪ How ya gonna keep 'em
down on the farm ♪

♪ After they've seen Pusan

Sounds familiar,
but not bad, Pierce.
[chuckling]

Not bad? It's terrific.

And who could forget

♪ Mademoiselle from
Panmunjom, Ouijongbu ♪

[laughs]

Pretty good giggle,
Hunnicutt.

You really can come up
with 'em once in a while.

Oh, you're just laughing at him
'cause underneath that mask

he's got on
a funny nose and mustache.

Can the correspondence,
Klinger.

-But, sir, I'm--
-No buts. Let's skedaddle.

Sophie's at her best
just after breakfast.

I'll be back, Unc.
Make yourself at home.

There is nothing more grand,
more classically military

than the equestrian officer.

What could be more noble

than the soldier
astride his trusty steed?

I really hate this, sir.

I feel stupid dressed up
like a colonel.

Tough patooties.

You didn't use to mind

dressing up
like a colonel's wife!

Now straighten up!
Throw out that chin!

My chin is out, sir.

Then suck in that nose.

Arch that back!

Remember, this
is a self-portrait.

That's me you're being.

I'll fill in my own hard-bitten
but lovable face later.

-[laughing]
-Something funny?

It's just a letter
from my dad.

Ah. More racy tidbits
from Crabapple Cove?

He mentions a terrific old joke.
Always used to kill me.

[laughing]

That good, huh?

Possibly the funniest
clean joke of all time.

[laughing]

Well, are you just gonna sit
there hogging all the guffaw,

or do I get to hear it too?

All right.
Okay, but don't blame me

if you fall off
that stool laughing
and break your klavey.

Just tell me the joke.
I'll worry about my own
klavey.

[giggling]
Okay, here it is. Here it is.

This guy owns a circus, see?

And one day he's in there,
uh, checkin' out the big top,

and this scrawny little guy
walks in-- walks in the door.

He walks over to the boss,
and he says,

"Are you the boss here?"

Guy says,
"Yeah. What do you want?"

He says, "I'd like to join
the circus. I got an act."

The guy says, "Oh, yeah?
Well, let me see what it is."

So this little guy goes over
to the center pole,

and he starts
climbing up the pole.

And he goes all the way up.
He climbs up and up and up.

He goes all the way up to the
very peak of the big top.

And he looks down,
and he takes a deep breath,

and he leaps off, and he
starts flapping his arms.

And he starts flying!
And he flies all around
the big top!

He goes all the way
around the place.

He goes around
the center pole. Pshew!

He goes loop-de-loop
through the trapezes.

Whooo! Whooo! Whooo!
Then he gets all the way up,

and he takes a nosedive
right down to the ground.

Ahhhh!
Flapping his arms like mad.

And he lands right next
to the boss.

And he says,
"Well, what do ya think?"

The boss says,
"That's all you do?
Bird imitations?"

Ha ha ha.

Get it?

Bird imitations. [laughing]

Yeah, I get it. It's cute.

Cute? You give the world's
funniest joke a smirk
and a cute?

That's like saying Ava Gardner
has pleasant features.

Hawk, I'm sorry. I didn't
think it was all that funny.

Certainly nothing
to write Korea about.

What is the matter with you?

When I tell that joke,
I get screams.

Well, I hate to smirk and run,
but I'm due in post-op.

See you later, Uncle Miltie.

You wouldn't know a good
joke if it leaped up

and bit you
on the funny bone!

Father, you're a pretty
funny guy, as priests go.

Did you hear that fantastic
joke I just told?

I did notice you
jumping about quite a bit,

but, uh, I see a great
deal of that here.

Frankly, I wasn't paying
much attention.

This guy owns a circus, see?

Uh, Hawkeye, uh,

my mind is kind of occupied
with something else just now.

-Could it wait?
-Yeah, sure, I guess so.
What are you doing?

After our little discussion
in O .R., I--

I took it upon myself
to write a Korean War song.

You did? Really?
Well, let me hear it.

Well,
I've only just started.

And I've never done
this sort of thing before.

Well, all right, all right.
I'll--

I'll play you
what I've got so far.

It's sort of a love song.

Oh.

♪ Oh, my dear

♪ I can't wait to see ya

♪ But I'm here
in South Korea ♪

♪ The picture you sent
was quite an eyeful ♪

♪ I've taped it
to my trusty rifle ♪

-What do you think?
-Well--

It's no "Halls of Montezuma,"
is it?

No, but it rhymes a lot.

-[laughing]
-You know what they say

about people who sit by
themselves and giggle
in the middle of a war.

Forgive the chortling

and grab a seat, Pierce.
[chuckles]

You're a man
who fancies a good joke.

Well, I heard me a doozy
this morning. [chuckles]

And every time
I think about it,

I start up again--
[chuckling]

busting my slats.

Well, come on, Colonel.
Spill it.

I wanna get a laugh out
of something besides
what's on my tray.

Okay, here goes. There's this
fell-- this fellow, see?

-Yeah.
-[laughing]

-[laughing]
-Is lunch that funny?

[laughing continues]

The colonel is about
to regale me with a joke.

Sit down, Klinger.
I can regale two
for the price of one.

Anyway, there's this fellow
who owns a circus.

And one day, he's
checkin' out the big top.

[Potter laughing]

And this scrawny
little guy comes in

who wants
to join the circus.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, sure, you must've
heard it too.

So did I. B.J. told me.
Funny joke!

Well, he hit me with it
a while ago in post-op.

I can just see that little guy
flappin' around the big top.

[laughing]

Poor guy.
"That's all you do?"

BOTH: "Bird imitations?"

[laughing]

The way he tells it kills me.

With the--

Ahhhhhhh!

And he pulls out of the dive
at the last possible minute,

flaps to a stop, and says,
"Well, how'd you like it?"

And the circus boss says,

"That's all you do?
Bird imitations?"

[laughing]

That's wonderful, yes?

-Funny!
-Thanks.

Quite right, Pierce.
He doth sometimes
show a spark of wit.

-Wit my joke, he doth.
-Your joke?

You created
that wondrous anecdote?

Well, no, but I have
the Korean rights to it.

Ahhh. Aha!

And you resent Hunnicutt

basking in the glow
of your spotlight, eh?

[chuckles] Well, I'm sure
you'll settle it like children.

Excuse me. I have pressing
business. [chuckling]

"So what'd you think of it?"

"That's all you do? Bird
imitations?" [laughing]

[mocking laughter]

Hi, there!
Remember me, your gag writer?

Hawk, it's only a joke.

Only a joke?
I tell it to you,

and you look at me like I
read you the obituaries.

The next thing I know,
you're gettin' big laughs
all over camp,

telling the same joke.

Well, it's not exactly
the same joke.

-I tell it better.
-Huh.

Some people can tell a joke,
and some can't.

Are you tryin' to tell me you
tell jokes better than I do?

-Maybe it's the funny mustache.
-Uh, doctors,

if I can just
interrupt this important
medical consultation--

Yeah. I never say no
to anybody with his own
infantry support.

-Who-- Who's your friend?
-Says his name is Eddie.

He just walked in
off the line.

-He's a little confused.
-Uh-huh.

-Hi, Eddie.
-Hi.

-What can we do for ya?
-Is Hank here?

-Who?
-Hank's his buddy.

I'm supposed to go
wherever he goes.
Is he here?

Uh, I don't--I don't know,
Eddie. You, Beej?

I don't know, either.
What makes you think
he'd be here?

Well, he got shot.

Well, we get a lot
of that here.

MAN:
Hey, Eddie, is that you?

Dave.

I'm--I'm tryin' to find Hank.
You seen him?

Yeah. He's right over there
in the last bunk.

He's got hit pretty bad.

Well, is he okay?

Doc?

-Yeah.
-How's Hank?

You talkin' about
Corporal Fleming?

-That's him.
-Well, he's still unconscious,

but he's gonna be fine.
You remember, Hawk?

He's the kid who got all
the shrapnel in his neck.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
He lost a lot of blood,
but he'll be all right.

I'm gonna go
sit with him, okay?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Hey, soldier,
is that kid all right?

Eddie? Well, sure.

He's just a little slow.
You know.

What do you mean slow?

He's just not too bright.

Uh, back in Basic,
Hank was the squad leader,

and they sorta made him
responsible for Eddie.

He helped him on tests
and kept him outta trouble.

That sort of thing.

Wait a minute.
You tryin' to say

this Eddie has some
sort of mental problem?

No. No, Eddie's okay.

He's just not as smart
as some people.

What the hell is a kid
like that doing in combat?

Maybe there were no openings
on the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Does your C.O.
know about this?

Oh, sure. Everybody does.

Most of us sorta
look out for Eddie.

And he's a pretty good soldier.

When Hank got hit,
Eddie took care of his wound,

picked him up
and carried him back
to Battalion Aid.

I guess he must've just
followed the litter jeep
down here.

Eddie's fine...

as long as he stays
with Hank.

That's gonna be
kinda tough.

Day after tomorrow,
Hank goes home.

Klinger, where is
my footlocker?

I suppose in your tent.

I have just come
from my tent.

What I have in there
can no longer be called
a footlocker,

because you cannot call
something a locker
if it doesn't lock!

What I have in there
is a foot-opener!

And some disgusting
deviant in this camp
has done just that!

Opened it! Violated
my personal, private,
intimate belongings!

The major wouldn't be
imagining things, would she?

Klinger, I know violating
when I see it.

Now I requested
a new footlocker.

I wanna know why
I haven't got it yet.

-They turned ya down.
-Turned me down!

Major, I told you
it was a long shot.

I-Corps says they'll only
replace a footlocker

if it's damaged in combat.

That's ridiculous!
This is a hospital unit.

What kind of combat
do we see here?

Well, I don't make the rules.
I just live by 'em.

It's the good old American
sense of fair play.

Don't give me that
garbage, you clown!

What am I supposed to do
with my personal belongings?

I got a hope chest
I'm not using anymore.

How would you like to find
yourself stuffed inside it?

Klinger, the time has come.

Oh, sorry, Major.
I didn't know you were here.

What the hell are you
supposed to be?

This happens to be the finest

in autumn hunting attire
from Abercrombie & Fitch.

Well, you look like
an overgrown bagpipe.

[chuckling] Thank you.

Major Houlihan and I were
just winding things up.

Excellent. I have
the rest of the day off.

Sorry, ma'am,
but duty calls.

This is a business matter
of the utmost importance.

What about my footlocker?

I am sorry about that,
but my hands are tied.

To the hunt, Major!
[blowing duck call]

[hoarse] Hi, doc.

Am I gonna be okay?

Well, I wouldn't do any
heavy yodeling for a while,

but other than that,
you're fine.

Great.

Uh, let me see.
Anything else?

Um, oh, yeah. Yeah.

We're gonna send you down
to an evac hospital today.

You're headin' home.

-What?
-[chuckling]

Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah.

-Thanks.
-Thank you.

I love telling people that.

I just wish they didn't have
to get shot to hear me say it.

By the way, you got a visitor.
[whistles]

Rise and shine.
Time for roll call.

Huh?

Eddie? Is that you?

Hank.

Hi, Hank. You all right?

Yeah.

Eddie wrapped a field bandage
on your wound

and carried you down
to Battalion Aid.

Probably saved you
from bleeding to death.

-Hey, Eddie, thanks, buddy.
-That's okay.

I told you, didn't I?

You're gettin' to be
a hell of a soldier.

Yeah, well...

it'll sure be good
when you're better

and we're together again.

Eddie, listen--

Doc, I'd like to take care
of this myself, okay?

Yeah.

[quack]

[exhales deeply]

Major, we've been
out here for three hours,

and you haven't shot
one lousy pigeon.

Quail, you Lavatch.

What do you say we just
forget about the 20 bucks?

You don't pay me anything
if we go home right now.

Now? Empty-handed?

Klinger, ever since
my trusty shotgun arrived,

I have been waiting
for this chance.

And if you were
a proper bird-flusher,

we would now be back in camp

with a covey
of delicious fowl.

Don't blame me.
I'm flushin' my face off.

You're the one
who missed twice.

Missed? Missed?

If you recall, you tripped
and jostled my arm.

You clumsy clot.
Now keep a sharp lookout.

[sighs]
Try this one, Abdul.

Remember yesterday
I was a colonel's body?

Well, today
I'm a major's bird dog.

Silence, Kling--

Klinger, look ahead there,
in that clearing.

It is indeed our quarry.

Good boy.

Okay. I'll flush
the little bugger.

-Then can we go home?
-I promise you.

If I bag one bird,
you will be off the hook.

Now, big fella.

Tally ho! Yoiks!

Eureka!

Holy Toledo!

Either that bird
hit a land mine,

or you just shot down
a kamikaze pigeon.

I don't care what you say.
I'm getting outta here!

Maj--Major!

Major!

I kinda wish
you weren't leavin'.

We've been together
a long time.

You ain't kiddin', pal.

It's a good thing too.

If we hadn't been together
when I got clomped,

I might not have made it.

I'm scared.

I ain't never
been alone before.

[chuckles]
You know me--dummy.

You're not a dummy.

You're good. You're tough.

You got nothin'
to be scared of.

Besides,you ain't
gonna be alone.

From now on,
you and me are buddies.

We worked it all out,
didn't we?

Yeah, we did.

Then don't sweat it,
or I'll come back over here

and knock you around.

Can I write you?

You better.

We got room for one more.

Anybody else with tickets
for the bus tour?

I'm ready to go,
doc.

-Thanks.
-Don't mention it.

All part of
the Fun Fiesta package
here at Camp Patchemup.

And don't worry about Eddie.
He's gonna be okay.

I'm glad to hear that.

I just hope all
the Eddies over here

have buddies like you.

Thanks for everything, Eddie.

Take care of things,
huh, Dave?

It's a deal.

Bye, Hank.

Hey, he's gonna be fine.
How are you doing?

Oh, I'm all right.
We worked it all out.

Eddie's gonna hitch
a ride up to the unit
and talk to the sarge.

You stick with him
for a couple of days,
and then I'll be back.

-Right?
-Right.

Before you shove off,
come to the mess tent.

You can pick up an order
of cramps to go.

Specialty today
is ambush stew.

It'll attack you
when you least expect it.

[snickers]
Ambush stew.

You're funny.

-Klinger! Hold it right there!
-Oh, no. Now what?

Where have you been?

Oh,just out making
an ass of myself.

It's a rare gift he has.

I've had it with you,
that footlocker,

and every debased pervert
in this camp!

No longer is mere
violating good enough.

Now we're up to stealing!

Don't take it out on me,
Major.

I didn't do anything.

That has nothing
to do with it!

If you were man enough
to stand up to I-Corps,

the creeps in this camp
wouldn't be stealing
my underwear!

Probably just some
secret admirer

who has difficulty expressing
himself verbally.

Major, my heart bleeds,
but I told you,

I-Corps won't replace
a personal item

unless it's
damaged in combat!

Aaah! What-- Don't-- I--

Of course, Corporal.

Oh.

Excuse me, Major Winchester.

[two gunshots]

There I was in my tent.

Suddenly, a sniper
leaped out at me

and fired two shots!
Bang! Bang!

Without hesitation,
my valiant footlocker,

flung itself in
the direct line of fire,

giving its life
that I might live.

So take this
worthless piece of junk
and get me a new one!

And make it quick,
or I'll use the same technique

to replace
a defective company clerk.

Thank you, Major.

And he lands right next
to the big guy.

And he says,
"Uh, so, what do ya think?"

And the circus guy says,
"That's all you do?
Bird imitations?"

[light chuckling]

-I remember that.
-I don't know, Pierce.

Well, now look, I know you've
seen this about a dozen times,

but I mean, who tells it
better, me or B.J.?

Well, that's just it.
It's hard to say.
You flap pretty good.

-Uh-huh.
-But Hunnicutt has a certain

lilt in his voice.

There. You see?
I have lilt.

Who cares about lilt?
Does Red Skelton have lilt?

Does Jackie Gleason
have lilt?

This is a visual joke here.

It's moves that count,
not lilt.

I must admit, Pierce,

you create the illusion
of flight admirably.

There.
You see what I mean?

But Hunnicutt brings

a wonderful panache
to the telling.

There you have it.
You can't beat
lilt and panache.

Feh on panache!
What do you think, Margaret?

Don't get me into this.

I think it's a stupid joke.

Nobody can fly just by going--

There must be an objective
opinion around here somewhere.

-Hey, Klinger!
-Yeah. What?

You seem to be a
disinterested bystander.

I certainly am.
Very disinterested.

We need the answer
to a question

that's been plaguing man
for centuries.

What is it?

Who's the funniest
guy in this camp,

me or B.J.?

You interrupt
an important letter

to ask me a stupid
question like that?

-Uh-huh.
-Yeah, tell us

once and for all,
who's the funniest?

-It's no contest.
-Ahhh.

Neither one of ya.

What are you talking about?

You guys don't even
make the first cut.

I'm tryin'
to tell my uncle

what kind of a place
I work in.

Doctors,
nurses, savin' lives.

I got a commanding officer

who dresses me up
in his clothes

and sits me
on a horse named Sophie

so he can paint
his own picture.

There's a priest
writing war ditties,

and a snooty major
who pays me 20 bucks,

to follow him
out in the woods

and watch him blow up
a pigeon with a land mine.

And if that doesn't
do it for ya,

I got a head nurse
who shoots unarmed luggage.

All you two guys do is walk
around all day tellin'jokes.

What the hell's
so funny about that?

[thinking]
See, Unc? It's no wonder
I never got a Section 8.

There's nothing special
about me.

Everybody here is crazy.

How's the war song
coming, Father?

Well, I'm not sure really.

Tell me what you think.

♪♪

♪ There's no one
singing war songs now ♪

♪ Like people used to do

♪ No "Over There"

♪ No "Praise the Lord"

♪ No "Glory, hallelu"

♪ Perhaps at last
we've asked ourselves ♪

♪ What we should
have asked before ♪

♪ With the pain and death

♪ This madness brings

♪ What were we ever
singing for ♪

Amen.

Wonder how Eddie's doing.

As long as he has friends
like Hank and Dave,

he'll be just fine.

Think maybe you and I
could learn something
from them, Hawk?

We have been acting
kind of stupid
toward each other

the past couple of days,
you know that?

With all the pressure
and idiocy of this war,
it's no wonder.

-Maybe we oughta call a truce.
-Good idea.

Okay, no more rivalry.

No more tryin' to outdo
each other all the time.

Tryin' to top each other
is just silly.

You're absolutely
right, pal.

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]