All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S08E06 - Period of Adjustment (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Just hang on to your
long johns, Lieutenant.

We people in combat appreciate

how rough it is back there
at Headquarters Company--

bulletins flying
in every direction

officers blowing up
in your face.

Problem here is,
we're breaking in a new man,

and he's not quite
up to snuff yet.

Now you'll start getting
your morning reports pronto.

[grunts]

Klinger!

Klinger, we gotta talk.

Oh, not now, sir.
Very busy, sir.

-Now, Klinger.
-Mail call, sir.

Neither rain nor snow
nor dark of night

shall stay this courier
from his appointed rounds.

How would you like
to be making your rounds

with a potato peeler
for the rest of this war?

Threats are another
story, sir.

I just got off the horn
with I-Corps.

You know how fussy they are?

They actually expect to see
morning reports every morning.

Say it would be a real
boost for their morale

if they got one from us
once in a while.

Just tell 'em unless
they hear any different,

assume everything's okay.

You know,
no news is good news.

Do 'em, Klinger, on time,
every day. That's an order!

Sir, am I to take it
from your tone

you're dissatisfied
with the way I'm
performing my duties?

I can't tell you that
until I see you perform one.

You've been company clerk
for two weeks now.

So far you've handled the job
with all the efficiency

of a one-legged man
at a butt-kicking contest!

I'm doing the best
I can, sir.

I was afraid of that.

Maybe this responsibility's
too much for you.

No sin in owning up to that.
We can't all be Radars.

And obviously we
can't all be sensitive
to underlings, either.

Now, if you're through
insulting me, sir,
I have mail to deliver.

Potter, S.
I need a "Yo," sir.
Efficiency, you know?

Yo!

-Potter, S.
-Yo!

And Potter S.

Go!

Close enough, sir.

Mail call.

-Houlihan, M.
-Give me that.

Whatever happened to
good old-fashioned
military courtesy?

Klinger, this morning
I asked Colonel Potter

about my two new nurses.

He said,
"What two new nurses?"

I said, "The two new nurses
on my personnel requisition."

He said, "What requisition?"
And I said, "The requisition

"you obviously never
got from Klinger,

your new company cluck."

"Company cluck"?

That's a low blow, Major.

There's a perfectly
logical reason why

Colonel Potter hasn't
seen those requisitions.

What is it?

I lost them!

You want mail?

Get it yourself. You too.

Ah, the postman
always sneers twice.

I'll do it, Klinger.
You must be worn out,

carrying that grudge
around all day.

Pierce! Here.
Pierce! Here.

-Hunnicutt!
-Present.

Sorry, no present.
Just a letter from home.

Ah, ha, ha! You were wrong
about the present.

Erin sent me another cookie.

Klinger, feel around in your
bag for a wet letter.

She must have sent milk.

Klinger-- [chuckles]

Thought I'd find you here.

-It's mail call, sir.
-Yes, I know.

I just found mine outside
on the ground!

Okay, so I dropped it!

Maybe it's a suicide note,
and it jumped out by itself.

It astounds me, Klinger.
It truly does, that you
are still company clerk.

I'd have thought
that by now Colonel Potter
would have replaced you

with a higher form
of plant life.

Don't listen to him, Klinger.
We love you.

Especially in the spring,
when you bloom.

His predecessor,
Corporal O'Reilly,
was no Aristotle,

but compared to this oaf,

he was a veritable
Phi Beta Kappa.

Who's an oaf? And what's
a "Phi Beta Kapper"?

I rest my case.

Hey, guys, listen to this.

Peg says the meeting with Radar
went just as we planned.

"Erin and I went
to the airport,

"and we spent two
or three hours with him.

"He sure is a cute little guy,
and so nice.

"Sweetheart,
it was really funny.

"When Erin first saw Radar
in his uniform,

she ran up to him
and said, 'Hi, Daddy'."

[chuckling] Out of the mouths
of babes comes drollery.

Come on.
What else did she say?

Uh, she just goes on
with some other stuff.

Who cares anyway?
Radar. Radar. Radar.

Even from somebody
10,000 miles away.

That's all I hear about!

POTTER: What's it look like
out there, Padre?

Much of a line
waiting to get in?

Oh, just a few, Colonel.
Thank the Lord,

business wasn't
particularly brisk today.

It's this location. I told you
we needed a better corner.

Apparently it was
just a minor skirmish.

Funny, they don't
look skirmish.

I didn't even know Skirmia
was in the war. Did you, Beej?

I'll need some more
retraction, Margaret.

Father, can you help us,
please?

Oh, coming up.

I requisitioned more nurses,
but we don't have them yet.

If you're sending out
for nurses, order me one.
With everything, to go.

I'd rather send out
for a new company clerk.

The clown we have is the reason
we don't have the nurses.

Now, Major, Klinger
isn't making my life

a bed of petunias, either.

Let's just be
a little patient.

I agree with Major Houlihan,
Colonel.

There must be at least
a dozen candidates

who could handle the job
better than Klinger.

One springs to mind
immediately--

my pet mastiff Bruno.

I think you people are being
very unkind to Corporal Klinger.

Oh, it isn't
Klinger so much, Padre.

We all got used to
the way Radar handled things.

Well, that sews it up.
Oh, Corpsman, take a litter.

Hey, we heard from Radar.
Or about him, anyway.

Peg Hunnicutt saw him
in San Francisco.

What'd she say
in her letter, Beej?

Uh, nothing, really.

She met the boy's plane?
How was he feeling?

How'd he look?
What'd she say about him?

He got to San Francisco.

He saw my wife and kid
for a couple of hours.

-That's it?
-Boy, Beej,

you sure know how
to tell a story.

What a spellbinder.

What's to tell?
It's no big deal.

How do you like this?
I give the kid the spotlight.

I give him a chance to be
a big star in show business,

and look what happens.

I wouldn't be surprised

if even the patients
walked out on you.

Three-oh silk, Margaret.

There. Now that's
more like it.

Doctor, this one
just came in. Looks bad.

All right. Let's get to work.
This kid is lucky.

If he got here any later,
I'd have had to start
the operation without him.

Do you want more, sir?

No, I've got enough.

I'm really hungry, Igor.

Slice me off another hunk
of that soup, will ya?

About the only thing
you haven't lost
is your appetite.

If you're referring to your
personnel requisition, Major,

I filled out another one.

Oh? Huh.

How did you manage
to find a typewriter?

Oh, out of my way, Corporal.

Is that so?

Huh! That rapier-like wit.

I've heard snappier comebacks
from a bowl of Rice Krispies.

First I'm a plant,
now I'm breakfast food.
What's next?

Well, you're crude
and unrefined.
How about petroleum?

That does it. I've had enough.

I'm gonna sit at a table
where I'll be appreciated.

There's an empty one
over there.

Is that so?

Please. Don't you people
think enough's enough?

You have to stop
picking on poor Klinger.

He's doing what he can under
very trying circumstances.

Well, Father, he has done
one thing remarkably well.

He's made me realize
what a little gem Radar was.

Radar. Radar. Radar.
Klinger's right.

Doesn't anybody
talk about anything else?

Even Peg. "Radar was here."

"Radar's so cute."
"Erin loves Radar."

I'm getting sick
of hearing the name.

B.J., the young man
did mean quite a lot to us.

Well, he's gone now.
Can't we forget about him?

He's home, seeing his family--
and other people's families.

It's not like he was dead.
He's better off than we are.

Whatever happened to
our cheery evening meals?

How's Anderson doing,
doctor?

Better. Lucky we got him
when we did.

He made it to O.R.
just before closing time.

Good evening, Lieutenant.

Time for the changing
of the guard.

Pierce, I have come
to relieve you.

I'm sure the patients
will be relieved as well.

-The man's a regular
Mayo Brother.
-[chuckles]

Anything in particular
I should know?

Just Anderson here.

He's lost a lot of blood,
but he's stable now.

Keep an eye on him,
Baker.

Any problems,
call me right away.

I'll be in conference
with my pillow.

Only if you can avoid
your bunkmate Hunnicutt,

last seen awash in a sea

of that home-brewed
swill of yours.

Very boring, Charles.
I've seen B.J. drink before.

Pierce, not like this.

If I were his liver, I would
sue for separate maintenance.

In that case,
I'll try to fall asleep

before I get there.
Nighty-night.

Well, well, if it isn't
Benjamin Franklin
Pierce Hawkeye

named for an Indian,
a president and a stove.

Here's lookin' at ya.

You seem to be having a good
time. Mind if I join you?

Be my guest. Matter of fact,
I'll have one with you.

I hate to see
a man drink alone.

What are we drinking to
this time, Beej?

War? Peace? Boredom?

Overwork? Underwork?
Underwear?

None of the above.

New shoes?
Old shoes? Lunch?

Missing lunch?

Annual
sheet-changing day?

You're not even warm.

I have the distinct
impression

you've got more on your mind

than cirrhosis
of the cerebellum.

In O.R. today, the patients
were more fun than you were.

Why shouldn't they be?
Some of them will go home.

Radar went home.
You remember Radar?

Short, cute-- my daughter
calls him "Daddy."

Oh, so that's it.
It's the letter
that's bothering you.

Yeah. The letter. So what?

I mean, I'm sorry
if it annoys you,

but I have
this strange aversion

to being away from my family.

-I miss them.
-It's the same for all of us.

You don't think
I miss my father?

You really think
that's the same?

Come on, Hawkeye!
How old is your father?

-How old?
-Sixty-two.

Sixty-two.

How old was he
when you saw him last, 60? 61?

-Something like that, yeah.
-Has he changed much?

Was he walking and talking
when you left? Erin wasn't.

But I hear she is now.

Does your father remember
what you look like?

Will he know you
when he sees ya?

Is he calling
anybody else "Son"?

Beej, I know how you feel.

Yeah? Tell me how much
you miss your kid.

Okay, I don't have a kid,
and I don't have a wife.

But let me
tell you something. Listen.

I've been stuck in this sewer
longer than you have,

and nobody wants out
of here more than I do.

-No?
-No. And let me tell
you something else.

You're wasting
your time with that stuff.

I can tell you
from personal experience,

-it won't work for long.
-Really?

Yeah, it may get you drunk,
but it won't get you home.

-Oh, yeah?
-What are you doing?

-Just trying to keep from
wasting any more time.
-Hey! Cut it out!

Beej, stop!

Pierce, I can't tell you
how sorry I am this happened.

[groans]
Thank you, Charles.

Without my being here
to see it. [chuckle]

Hunnicutt was probably
aiming for your mouth,

but as usual,
it was moving too fast.

-Ow!
-Steady, Popeye.

Come on.

The next time
you two Neanderthals
determine to brawl,

have the kindness to do it

someplace
that I don't have to live.

Don't blame me, Charles.

I turned out to be
the guest of honor
at a surprise beating.

Hey, boys, has anybody--

What in the name
of Sweet Fanny Adams
happened here?

You're hurt.

Did that still finally
blow up in your face?

Actually, the still didn't
do this. Hunnicutt did.

-Hunnicutt did that?
-Yeah, he also did that.

He got drunk, he went crazy,

and he punched out
his two favorite roommates--

me and the still.

I am puzzled
by his behavior,

although I do admire
his judgment.

What on earth made him
do a thing like that?

It was that letter he got
from Peg about Radar.

It really got to him.

Any idea
where he went, Pierce?

Uh, no. Uh, no.

He just waved good-bye
with his knuckles and left.

Has everybody
around here gone dingus?

Margaret and I came here
looking for Klinger.

He's been missing since dinner.
Have you seen him, Pierce?

I haven't seen anything.
My lights were out.

-Winchester?
-Colonel, I have neither
seen him nor missed him.

Now we have two people
to find, Colonel.

Right. We'd better pair up.
Margaret, you and Winchester

check the officers club out
and that end of the camp.

I'll take the great
John L. with me.

Major--
Hawkeye, it's Anderson.

His blood pressure's
dropping.

-I think he's going into shock.
-Uh-oh.

You'd better go
find them without me.

I just acquired
a previous commitment.

Baker, are you
covered in there?

Yeah, Major, I can handle it.

Yeah, we're fine,
Margaret.

Okay, Pierce. Yell if you
need an extra hand.

Hands I got.
I'm running low on eyes.

I resent the use of ranking
personnel to go find some--

Oh, come along, Winchester.

Eighty over forty.

Could I have missed
a bleeder in there?

I thought of that,
Hawk.

We did a hematocrit.
It's elevated.

Very good.

Then he's probably
hypovolemic.

Keep him on plasma
and start five D and saline

with one ampule of Levophed.

Hang in there, Anderson.

We've got enough people around
here trying to leave us.

After the officers club
closed,

they were headed
this way together.

Very drunk.
Have you seen them?

I have seen
too much of them.

Ahh. Then they were here.

You know what they did?

They draw a face wearing
glasses on a napkin.

They stick it up
on my dartboard

and throw darts at it.

They call the game
"Vaccinate Radar."

MARGARET:
That's sick.

Not so bad. They never
come close to target.

But they nearly stick
three Marines.

That's when I took away
the darts from them.

And then they started
to throw pretzels and peanuts

at Radar face.
I kicked them out.

Do you have any idea
where they went?

Uh-uh. Just happy they went.

-Oh, hi, Padre.
-Ah, Colonel.

-Uh, would you join me
in a cup of tea?
-Uh, no, thanks.

Have you seen anything
of Klinger or Hunnicutt?

No. Sorry. Anything wrong?

Afraid so.
Both of 'em are missing.

Missing, you say?
You mean AWOL?

Well, we're not calling
it that just yet, Padre.

Hunnicutt's tied one on over
that letter from the missus.

-Klinger's problem
is anybody's guess.
-Oh.

Oh, Colonel, I-- I may be able
to shed some light on that.

If you can spare a moment.
Please, sit down.

May as well. Looking's
not doing me any good.

You seem to think

Klinger leaves a little
something to be desired

as a company clerk.

I think Klinger leaves
everything to be desired

as a company clerk.

Well, we had a fellow
here a while back

before you arrived,
who was much worse.

Worse than Klinger?

Father, you wouldn't lie
to a Presbyterian, would you?

No. Believe me,
this lad was quite a bozo.

He couldn't
do anything right.

Drove everybody crazy
with questions.

You should have seen him
try to patch through a call.

Looked like
hand-to-hand combat.

Folks here were convinced

that the enemy had sent him
to sabotage the unit.

Yeah? So whatever
happened to this rube?

Well, as time went by,
he got a little better.

Your late predecessor,
Colonel Blake, rest his soul,

took him under his wing

and sort of helped him
grow into the job.

You suckered me, Padre.
You're talkin' about Radar.

The very same bozo.

You see, when you arrived,
you got the broken-in model.

But my, my. His first few
months were harrowing indeed.

Now, at the risk
of interfering, Colonel,

don't you think
Corporal Klinger

deserves
the same consideration?

Well,
it's not gonna be easy

being patient
with a company clerk

who so far can't find
a hippo in a footlocker.

Just so you make
the effort, Colonel.

-Any news? You see
either of'em?
-No, Colonel.

No, but we have been regaled

with glorious tales
of their exploits.

Uh, they are together.

Sparing you
the sordid details,

they are setting new standards
for inebriate behavior.

Additionally,
we may be teetering

on the brink of war
with the Marines.

Colonel, I think we should
call in the military police.

I think so too.
Let's go to my office.

We'll get 'em on the horn.

Ah, I hereby resign

from the "Missing
Cretins Bureau."

-[both chuckling]
-Didn't I tell you

Colonel Potter's
office would be here?

[laughing]

There is the booze cabinet.

I can tell, because
it's got booze in it. See?

Mmm, amazing.
No wonder you're a captain.

-You got-- You got a key?
-Oh, key.

Sure. Sure.

-Oh!
-Shh.

-Here--
-Klinger--

Klinger, there are
a thousand keys on that ring.

I know that.

-It's--
-Come on.

-Come on. Come on. Come on.
-This one.

-Are you sure?
-Absolutely.

Klinger, I'm sorry
I ever doubted you.

All right, Colonel,

I'll try to get through
to the M.P. office.

I appreciate that,
Major.

B.J., KLINGER: Yahoo!

Either we've struck
pay dirt,

or my office
is being overrun

by a couple
of big, silly mice.

[laughing, whooping]

Hoo--

Ho-ho. Whoa, boy. Whoa, boy.

Howdy, stranger. Do you
have an appointment
with Colonel Popper?

Probably does.

But I bet my stupid
"clompany c'erk"
screwed it up.

What a pathetic
pair of sots.

Would that be a pair
of argyle sots?

Go get Pierce. I think
he went back to the Swamp.

Yes, sir.

You know, you boys had us

turning South Korea
upside-down looking for you?

How'd you find us, Colonel?

Easy. We just
followed the trail

-of empty bottles.
-Ha ha ha ha!

Don't laugh.
I think I'm in big trouble.

I don't mind telling you
I was damn worried.

Now you and I have got some
things to talk about, Klinger.

Let's step outside.

Oh God, B.J.
He's gonna beat me up.

Come on, Klinger.

Yes, sir, Colonel.

So long, pal.

It was nice gettin'
bagged with you.

-Klinger.
-Uh, Colonel,

don't hit him in the nose.

He's got a snootful.

Go, boy. Whoa, boy.

Whoa, boy. Hang on, boy.
Hey, big fella.

Park it in the chair,
Corporal.

It's not plugged in,
is it?

Let's, uh,
clear the air, Klinger.

I think we both realize
you're no Radar.

So they tell me, sir.

But by the same token,
Radar is no Klinger.

I don't follow you, sir.

Folks around here were
awfully fond of Henry Blake

when he ran this fort,
weren't they?

Well, sure.

The colonel was
a top-notch kind of a guy.

You bet he was.
And believe me,

my first days in his shadow
were a mite uneasy.

Nobody was jumping
for joy over me.

I was no Henry Blake.
Never tried to be.

That didn't mean I was better
or worse. Just different.

The thing is
the people here gave me
a chance to get comfortable

and to make this job
Sherman Potter's.

I guess maybe I forgot that
when you took over for Radar.

What I'm trying
to tell you is

you need the time
to take this job

and make it Max Klinger's.

So just do it!

And if you need some help,

if you've got a question,
just knock on my door.

Is that clear, Max?

Crystal clear, sir.

All right.

As of right now,
Radar's office is closed.

Klinger's is open.

Okay. We'll open tomorrow.

Mine's here.
Yours is in there.

Well, this is a switch.

Me standing
and you on the floor.

[laughing]

You-- You wore
your soldier hat.

[laughing continues]

Don't worry. I'm unarmed.

I'm practically unconscious.

Ah, you know
what I did today?

Hmm.

I hit the best friend
I ever had.

I'm sorry, Hawk. I'm sorry.

[sighs]
It's all right.

Don't worry about it.

It's just I'm here, you know,
in this stinkin' place.

And I got
that damn letter from Peg.

And...

first time my little girl

ever called anybody Daddy--

[cries]
it wasn't me.

Look, it could have been
anybody in a uniform.

Oh, I know. I know. I know.

I can see him standin' there,
holdin' her hand, laughing.

I can see Peg smiling...

wearing that per--

perfume she wears.

I can see him giving--

giving Erin the present

I sent for her,
touching her hair...

getting the hug
I should have gotten.

Radar's home, Hawk.
I should be glad for him.

But I'm not!

I'm so torn up with envy,
I almost hate him!

And I feel the same way
about Trapper,

and I never even met him.

But he built
that still with you, and--

and he-- he's home too.

You'll go home.

One day we'll all go home.

I've been gone
so long, Hawkeye.

A lifetime.

Erin's lifetime.

Even if I go home tomorrow,
I'll never--

never get that back.

-Removing clamp.
-[bubbling]

Phillips.

Is it supposed to be
making that much noise?

Are you kidding?
That's music.

A symphony for home brew
and copper coils.

Klinger,
you did a terrific job

of getting all
this stuff for us.

Nothing any genius
couldn't have done

once he's treated with
the respect he deserves.

Elwood Einstein couldn't
have done better.

Isn't that Albert Einstein?

Elwood. Plumber
back in Mill Valley.

He'd go crazy
over this thing.

Thing?

You make it sound
like some inanimate object.

This is alive. It's not a mere
collection of hardware.

It breathes.
It has soul, warmth, love.

Oh, there it is, Beej--
our firstborn.

The founding shot
of new booze.

Oh, what bouquet.
What nose.

Speaking of which,
Klinger,

in honor of your astounding
resourcefulness,

imagination,
and downright dishonesty

in obtaining
the necessary parts

to you goes the honor
of the first belt.

Yeech!

How 'bout that, Beej?
We were afraid
it wouldn't be good.

Here's mud in your eye.

Beats knuckles any day.

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]