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[theme music playing]
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MAN [on P.A.]: Attention. Attention, all personnel.
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Colonel Lillian Rayburn, Eighth Army head nurse,
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will arrive at 1800 today.
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This is a full-scale
inspection, gals,
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00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:06,022
so grab your hose
and powder your nose.
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Hey, that's not
what I wrote! Come on!
8
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Just say them
like I give them to you.
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Powder your noseand grab your hose?
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That's pretty funny, Radar.
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Uh-huh.
Thanks a lot.
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Afternoon, Corporal.
Where do we find your C.O.?
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He's in his office,
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but I don't think he
wants to be disturbed.
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Corporal,would you tell him
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that Colonel LillianRayburn is here?
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Colonel Rayburn?
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It's only noon--I mean 1200 hours.
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You're not supposed to beyou for 600 hours yet.
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Well, take it from me.
I'm me.
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Oh, gee, I'm alwaysthe last to know.
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Look,I printed this stuff up.
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I got inkall over my clothes,
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my hands, my glasses,and everything.
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Things get rough
up here, do they?
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Oh, you don't knowthe half of it.
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Do you know that a guycame in yes--
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Excuse me, ma'am.
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The colonel's officeis right this way.
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If you follow me,I'll get you there from here.
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A toast to us.
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To us.
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Colonel Potter,Colonel Lillian Rayburn.
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-Good gravy!
-To say the least.
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I hope I haven't
interrupted something.
36
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:03,514
It's okay. We were just
having our livers removed.
37
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,734
Well, I'll chip in mine.Who am I drinking with?
38
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:08,389
Colonel Sherman Potter,Captain Hawkeye Pierce--
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00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:09,564
At the bottle.
40
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-Captain B.J. Hunnicutt.-At the ready.
41
00:02:11,696 --> 00:02:13,350
What does the B.J.stand for?
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00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:14,569
Anything you want.
43
00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:15,570
I'll get back to you.
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General Rivert sends his best.
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No kidding. Bill Rivert?You know Bill Rivert?
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I haven't heardthat name in years.
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00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,578
How is old yellow teeth?
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Dark brown by now.
49
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That guy could spittobacco juice 20 yards.
50
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That's how heused to picked volunteers.
51
00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,500
What does B.J.stand for?
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00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:33,979
-I remember he had a son---Anything you want.
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00:02:33,979 --> 00:02:35,155
-Don?
-Dan.
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You can tell me.
I'm your friend.
55
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:37,548
Bill ever get himinto West Point?
56
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-Is it some family secret?-He tried.
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How old's the boy now?
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00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:41,465
You're getting verymysterious on me.
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00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:42,640
-What?
-What's the problem?
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00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,207
Wait a minute, guys.
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See those big, wooden thingswith hinges on over there?
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Shut themon your way out.
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00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:50,300
Nice meeting you,
Colonel.
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00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,736
If you're ever by
the Swamp, fall in.
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If I find out his name,I'll introduce you.
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00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:54,913
Why can't you tell me?
I'm your best friend.
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00:02:54,913 --> 00:02:56,785
What is it, some kind
of a secret or something?
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00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,613
Colonel Potter, I knowwhat a pain in the butt
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00:02:58,613 --> 00:03:00,005
visiting brass can be,
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but this is my first
tour of Korea,
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00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,313
and I'd like to see it all.
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I admire your salt.You just follow me around.
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I'll show youthe whole enchilada.
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00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:09,363
I've assigned you
to the V.I.P. tent, ma'am.
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00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:10,538
Well, thank you, Corporal.
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00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:12,017
It's right next
to the latrine.
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That can come in handyin the middle of the night.
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00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:15,717
The lady's been around,Radar.
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00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:17,022
Oh, right.
Shall I show the colonel
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00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:18,633
to the colonel's tent,
Colonel?
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00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:21,810
I'll do it. You can startby taking her gear over.
82
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,377
Oh, yes, sir.
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There's a welcome basket
in your tent--
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00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:26,902
some canned fruit
and fly paper.
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00:03:28,164 --> 00:03:29,774
Well, ready forthe nickel tour?
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00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,123
After you.
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00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:33,038
Uh, mighty nice shoes,
88
00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:34,779
but from here on,
you better wear boots.
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00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,303
We get a lot of livestockthrough here.
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00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:39,219
-Colonel.-Ah, yes. Colonel Rayburn,
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this is Major Margaret Houlihan,our chief surgical nurse.
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00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:44,659
Colonel, on behalf of
the entire nursing staff,
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00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:47,618
which I command and
which I am delighted
to be in charge of,
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00:03:47,618 --> 00:03:50,752
how pleased we are
to welcome you
to the 4077th.
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00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:52,057
Well, thank you, Major.
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00:03:52,057 --> 00:03:53,885
Thank you, ma'am.
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00:03:53,885 --> 00:03:55,235
With the colonel's permission,
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00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,801
I've scheduled
a general inspection
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00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,368
at 2100 hours,
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00:03:58,368 --> 00:04:00,675
and then a meeting with
the senior nursing staff.
101
00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:03,025
-And then tomorrow--
-Whoa, Major.
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00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,809
That's a lot of pomp
for these circumstances.
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00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:06,681
With all due respect, sir,
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Colonel Rayburn is hereto inspect mynurses.
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00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,121
Well, I thought I'ddo that while they work.
106
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:13,731
It saves all that saluting.
107
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:17,213
Of course. That was
my alternate selection.
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00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:18,997
Choppers, Colonels. Loaded.
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00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:21,348
Okay, let's startwhere we earn our keep.
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00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,611
Should I cancelthe close orderdrill, Major?
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Shut up.
112
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You really know your wayaround a kidney, Sherman.
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00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:30,400
Well, I've taken
this route many a time.
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00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,619
Ahh.
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CHARLES: Retractor.
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Retractor.
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Keep moving, Fowler.
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Everything
runs like clockwork
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around here, Colonel.
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-Nurse, wind me up.
-CHARLES: Sponge.
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Sponge there.
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00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:49,289
Kellye, keep this aisle clear.
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Your Major Houlihanis a real hot patootie.
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00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:54,555
She's a spanking
good nurse,
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00:04:54,555 --> 00:04:56,992
but your being here hasgiven her the fidgets.
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00:04:56,992 --> 00:04:58,472
Margaret, would youmove that machine
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back where I had it?
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00:04:59,908 --> 00:05:02,519
Colonel Rayburn,I'm sure you'll agree
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that my nurses stack upagainst anybody's.
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Anybody but me.
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00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:08,438
Father, would you movethat machine over here?
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-Why, certainly.
-I've got it, Father.
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Always a bridesmaid.
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00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,444
Are you trying
to make me look bad
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in front of Colonel Rayburn?
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Keep going.You don't need my help.
137
00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:19,884
So how long have you been
in this racket, Lil?
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00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:21,364
22 years.
139
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,540
Ah, you're just a baby.
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-You I like.
-[laughing]
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That must be some awful
name you're hiding
142
00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:28,806
if you won't even
tell your best friend.
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Huh. You're such a nudge.
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It's "noodge."
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There,
I told you something.
146
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,943
Now you tell me
something.
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No use. I won't "boodge."
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00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:38,207
You're embarrassed, right?
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00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,818
Yeah, that's it.
All right. I know, I know.
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00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:43,778
Look, I'll tell you
an embarrassing story
about myself,
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00:05:43,778 --> 00:05:45,562
and that'll put you
at ease, won't it?
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Okay, when I was 14,
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00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:50,132
my father caught me
smoking in bed.
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Boy, was he angry.
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00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:53,353
Turned red as a beet.
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Come to think of it, sodid the girl I was with.
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Ha ha.
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Pretty hot stuff, huh?
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00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,097
All right, what does
B.J. stand for, huh?
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00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:00,490
Who cares?
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00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:02,144
Pierce, must we endure
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00:06:02,144 --> 00:06:04,276
these endless stories
of your dismal puberty?
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00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:07,018
Oh, sure, Charles,make me look bad in frontof Colonel Rayburn.
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Can we concentrate
on surgery, please?
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Is it always like this?
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Don't mind them.
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They love to show off
in front of company.
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Okay, okay. You want to heara really embarrassing story?
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This is a biggie.
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Sucked my thumb
till I was 26.
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Stop it. Will youstop it already?
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I gave it up
for bed-wetting.
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00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,515
Hunnicutt, B.J.,Captain, U.S. Army.
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Okay, okay, okay.
What if I guess it?
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Fine.
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Oh, goodie, goodie,
okay. Uh, B.J.
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00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:33,480
Uh, Belvedere Jehosaphat.
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Got it first try.
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Don't lie to me.
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I'd call you names
if you had any.
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Attention. Prepare forinspection by Colonel--
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-Radar.
-Sorry. Excuse me.
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00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:42,663
-You're blocking the way.-I'm sorry, ma'am.
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00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:44,099
Ah, Colonel,
I see you've stumbled
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00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:45,753
into our enchanted
little post-op.
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00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:46,971
Sorry you couldn't
make it in the spring
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when the fractures
are in bloom.
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00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:50,584
How many wounded would you sayget through here in a week?
189
00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:52,412
It's difficult
to think of this place
190
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,804
in terms of days and weeks.
191
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Simple for me.One week equals one shift.
192
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In other words,big business.
193
00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:58,722
-Too big.
-Yeah.
194
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:01,159
Was your mother Spanish?
195
00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:02,117
No, why?
196
00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:03,901
That eliminates
Benito Juarez.
197
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:06,426
After we're done here,I'll show you the pharmacy.
198
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,166
Uh, Colonel, I could do that
199
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:09,907
if you want to get
back to your desk
200
00:07:09,907 --> 00:07:11,953
and get done the workyou should have got done, sir.
201
00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:14,564
Message received, son.
No reply.
202
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,174
Colonel, you got
a lot of work--
203
00:07:16,174 --> 00:07:17,698
Radar, why don't you
pull the duty logs
204
00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:19,482
for oh, say,
the last six months
205
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:23,007
just in case Colonel Rayburnwants to take a gander?
206
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,313
Yes, sir.
207
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,272
My uncle Ed used
to give me a quarter
208
00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:28,360
to go to the movies.
209
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,885
-What?
-I'm going.
210
00:07:30,885 --> 00:07:33,061
Look at that boy.
211
00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:35,063
He belongs in a playground,not a hospital.
212
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:39,850
You know, as much
as I hate O.R.,
this room is worse.
213
00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:41,330
Why?
214
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:44,246
In there, you only
look at the wounds.
215
00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:46,161
In here, you see the faces.
216
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:50,426
-Radar, you busy?
-Yes.
217
00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:51,949
You're evading the question.
218
00:07:51,949 --> 00:07:53,429
Where do you keep
the personnel files?
219
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:54,604
Back there.
220
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:55,953
Thank you.
221
00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:56,954
Second drawer on the right.
222
00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:59,130
Oh, you're too kind.
223
00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:01,959
Let's see, H after G,except in the army.
224
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:04,309
Hunnicutt, Hunnicutt.
225
00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:06,007
I can't find Hunnicutt.
226
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:08,226
Officers in front,
enlisted in the back.
227
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:09,401
How come you'rein the front?
228
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:11,665
Because
I do the filing.
229
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:13,971
Radar, whatever happenedto that sweet, adorable you?
230
00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:15,669
None of your beeswax.
231
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:17,018
There. That's better.
232
00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,587
Something's bothering me.
233
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,197
No.
234
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,678
Here. Lie down in this drawerand tell me all about it.
235
00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:27,115
Okay, I'm sorry. What is it?
236
00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:29,117
Some people just don't
act like some people
237
00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:30,379
when other people show up.
238
00:08:30,379 --> 00:08:32,163
Aha! Now we're makingsome progress.
239
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:33,643
Why don't youfill me in some more
240
00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:34,905
while you're looking upHunnicutt's file?
241
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,298
Making a fuss over her,
242
00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:37,952
calling her Lil
and everything.
243
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,693
Oh, Colonel some people.
244
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:42,217
Yeah, he's a married man.
He's got grandchildren.
245
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:44,741
-Are you serious?-Of course I'm serious.
246
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,613
He's taking her to show herthe laundry, isn't he?
247
00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:47,875
He never goes there himself.
248
00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:50,051
He's just being polite.
249
00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:52,140
I just don't thinkit happens to look right.
250
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:53,968
Radar, we're all
a long way from home.
251
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,491
Maybe he just wants
a little companionship.
252
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:57,101
That's whathe's got me for.
253
00:08:57,101 --> 00:09:00,583
I mean someone closer tohis own age and hair color.
254
00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:01,889
Yeah, maybe you're right.
255
00:09:01,889 --> 00:09:03,673
-Sure, I am.
-What are you doing?
256
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:05,501
Hey! That's Captain Hunnicutt'sconfidential file.
257
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:06,807
You can't look at that.
258
00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:08,286
I just want to look oneteeny little thing up.
259
00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:09,766
-Come on.
-No. Absolutely not.
260
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:10,985
It's againstarmy regulations.
261
00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:12,639
For Pete's sakes, you know
262
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,162
Colonel Rayburnis right behind those doors.
263
00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:15,642
What if she'd comein here and caught us?
264
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:17,121
Okay, I'll marry you.
265
00:09:17,121 --> 00:09:18,601
It's not against
regulations
266
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,081
for you to look
in there, is it?
267
00:09:20,081 --> 00:09:21,386
No, it's my job.
268
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:22,823
Okay, just peek in there
and find out
269
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:24,389
what B.J.'s initials
stand for.
270
00:09:32,746 --> 00:09:34,095
-B.J.
-Baloney!
271
00:09:34,095 --> 00:09:35,270
Here, look.
272
00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:39,317
That creep, he won't
even tell the Army!
273
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,755
It's killing me.
I've got to find out.
274
00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:43,408
I don't get it.What's the big deal?
275
00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,280
He's hiding something from me.
276
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,195
Boy, you think
you know a guy.
277
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:49,458
We live together,
we eat together.
278
00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:50,894
We even wear
each other's socks.
279
00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:52,592
Why won't he
tell me his name?
280
00:09:54,506 --> 00:09:56,204
Do you reallywear his socks?
281
00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,076
[knocking]
282
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:00,600
Come in.
283
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,166
Excuse me, Colonel.
284
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:03,994
I thought these mightbrighten up the place.
285
00:10:03,994 --> 00:10:05,256
They're not regulation,
286
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:06,693
but they havea lovely fragrance.
287
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:07,781
Yes, well, thank you,
288
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:10,261
but, uh, ahem,
I have hay fever.
289
00:10:10,261 --> 00:10:11,393
Right.
290
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:14,701
Oh, for goodness' sakes!
291
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,572
Why can't they learn howto make a bed around here?
292
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:19,444
Major, I just
turned that down.
293
00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,490
-Oh.
-Instead of making it,
294
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:23,187
why don't you sit on it?
295
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:24,841
Certainly, Colonel.
296
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,713
And how about
calling me Lil?
297
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,367
If you don't, we'll never
get past the weather.
298
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:33,458
I just wanted to make sureyou were comfortable...Lil.
299
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:35,635
You'll get it.
300
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,549
It will be easier
as you go along.
301
00:10:37,549 --> 00:10:40,335
I'll keep working on it,
Colonel--
302
00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:41,684
Lil.
303
00:10:42,816 --> 00:10:44,992
Well, thank you.
304
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,864
And what do they call you?
305
00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:49,300
Major Houlihan--
306
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:51,259
Margaret.
307
00:10:51,259 --> 00:10:52,782
Are you married, Margaret?
308
00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:54,915
I was, but he wasn't.
309
00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:56,090
You?
310
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:58,353
-No.
-Never?
311
00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:00,529
Well, not that I didn't
have any offers,
312
00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:02,400
but most of them lost interest
313
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,273
when they found out thatmy dowry was a duffel bag.
314
00:11:05,273 --> 00:11:06,709
I know the type.
315
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,537
Well, it's their funeral.
316
00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:12,149
Those fellas missed out ona heck of an exciting ride.
317
00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:14,499
Tell me.Do you have any regrets?
318
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,458
Regrets? Hell, no.
319
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,503
I wouldn't have it
any other way.
320
00:11:18,503 --> 00:11:20,767
Women like us are lucky,
Margaret.
321
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:24,422
We've seen more of the worldthan most people dream of.
322
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:25,859
And let's face it.
323
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,730
There's an excitement
about our work.
324
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,427
It's exciting
325
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,429
when you help put
some kid back together
326
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:33,301
and then watch him
walk out of here.
327
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,042
Oh, I know what you mean.
328
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:39,133
The only thingI worry about is...
329
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,700
eventually...
330
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:43,833
what happens when--
331
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,792
When you get to be my age?
332
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:48,316
Don't you every worryabout ending up alone?
333
00:11:48,316 --> 00:11:49,839
Are you kidding?
334
00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:51,928
I'm gonna have to beat
them off with a stick.
335
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:55,671
What man my age would turn downa nurse with a pension?
336
00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:57,629
And a good-looking nurseat that.
337
00:11:57,629 --> 00:11:59,936
That's something else
we've got in common.
338
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,329
[knocking]
339
00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:03,026
Come in while
there's still room.
340
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,028
Lil, I've been saving
this bottle of scotch,
341
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:07,901
and I thought we could--save it for some other time.
342
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:09,554
-Why not now?
-It's getting late,
343
00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:11,208
and I have reports
to fill out.
344
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:13,341
No, no, Major. I'll go.You two gals were gabbing.
345
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:14,603
I just meant to drop offthis bottle--
346
00:12:14,603 --> 00:12:15,952
No, really, we were
just finished.
347
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:17,562
I hope you two don't
mind if I stay.
348
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:18,955
-Good night, Colonel.-See you tomorrow, Colonel.
349
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:19,956
Lil.
350
00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:28,138
[knocking]
351
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,531
Yes?
352
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:36,233
I run this place.What am I leaving for?
353
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,844
Now you're talking.
354
00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:45,025
All right, no more guessing.
355
00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:47,679
I'm going to approach this
scientifically.
356
00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:49,203
-Tell me, or I'll kill you!-Aah!
357
00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:50,639
You lie! That starts
with an H.
358
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:52,597
Unless you intend to injureyourselves permanently,
359
00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:53,816
I do wish you'd stop that.
360
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,078
I want the names
and addresses
361
00:12:55,078 --> 00:12:56,558
of everybody
who's ever met you.
362
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:57,820
Okay, okay.
363
00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,256
I'm sending telegrams
to anyone
364
00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:00,867
who even suspects
what B.J. stands for.
365
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:02,172
Or cares.
366
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:03,521
Who was dean
of your med school?
367
00:13:03,521 --> 00:13:05,480
-T.R. Miller.
-Now cut that out.
368
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,699
Wait. There's more.My favorite comedian,W.C. Fields
369
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:08,962
favorite author,D.H. Lawrence.
370
00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:10,224
What about S.J. Perelman?
371
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:11,399
Or T.S. Eliot.
372
00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:14,054
D-R-O-P D-E-D.
373
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:15,838
What do you thinkof e.e. cummings?
374
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,405
I never liked
those little initials.
375
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:20,234
Hot dang,what a perfect day,
376
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:21,626
and not a bomb in the sky.
377
00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,150
Oh, that's comforting.
378
00:13:23,150 --> 00:13:25,065
Sir, you want me to send offthat letter to Mrs. Potter?
379
00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:26,849
Not till I finish
writing it, son.
380
00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,459
But you coulddictate it to me, sir.
381
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:29,678
No, thanks.
382
00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:30,897
Well, wouldthe two colonels like me
383
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,333
to send alonga couple of M.P.s?
384
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,552
This is a picnic, Radar,
not a court martial.
385
00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:36,119
Yeah, I know,but you never know
386
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,425
when you're goingto run into snipers.
387
00:13:37,425 --> 00:13:39,775
The ants will get them.Ha ha ha!
388
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:41,995
Hmm.
389
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:44,998
Ah, nertz.
390
00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:47,043
Well, I hope the cook
packed a tire jack.
391
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:50,090
No problem. Radar, requisitionanother jeep, pronto.
392
00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:53,658
Oh, gee, I just loanedone to Battalion 8,
393
00:13:53,658 --> 00:13:55,269
and two of themhave bad spark plugs,
394
00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:57,619
and Sergeant Zaletook the other.
395
00:13:57,619 --> 00:13:59,751
-No jeeps.
-Gee, I'm sorry.
396
00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:02,276
I guess this means you're goingto have to cancel your picnic.
397
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,320
Couldn't we walk?
398
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,018
Too bad.It's such a nice day.
399
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,802
Jim dandy-dee.
400
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:08,586
Lil, I like your style.
401
00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:11,285
Radar, hold down the forttill we get back.
402
00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:14,331
Sir, listen, I couldget you a jeep tomorrow.
403
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:15,419
Sir?
404
00:14:15,419 --> 00:14:16,768
Colonel?
405
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,948
"Couldn't we walk?"
406
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,079
Boy!
407
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:26,387
What a lousy trick.
408
00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,089
Set 'em up, bartender.
409
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:34,830
Sorry, Major,the bar's not open yet.
410
00:14:34,830 --> 00:14:36,223
What about him?
411
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:37,311
He's left overfrom last night.
412
00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:38,355
The drinks are on me.
413
00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:40,009
The bar is now open.
414
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:42,185
And to what do we owethis unprecedented largess?
415
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:43,447
What?
416
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:45,623
What put the holein your change purse?
417
00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:47,712
We're celebrating, Klinger.
418
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:50,019
Ah, the alimony's in.
419
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:52,369
Nope. it's Independence Day.
420
00:14:52,369 --> 00:14:54,894
Of course. September 10.How could I forget?
421
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,244
Every day isIndependence Day, soldier,
422
00:14:57,244 --> 00:14:58,810
when you know
where you're going.
423
00:14:58,810 --> 00:14:59,942
Huh?
424
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,422
Klinger,
I'm glad we're alone.
425
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,554
-Oh?-I want to talk to you.
426
00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,339
You're trying to get
out of here, right?
427
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,080
The thought'scrossed my mind.
428
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,212
Well, you're making
a big mistake.
429
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:11,780
Army life
is not such a bad deal.
430
00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:14,565
Women--Soldiers like us
431
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:17,351
get to see more of this worldthan most people ever dream of.
432
00:15:17,351 --> 00:15:19,092
I've seen enough, thank you.
433
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:21,964
You know, I always thoughtyou could hold this stuff.
434
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:24,053
Now here's a bottomless pit.
435
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:25,620
Grape Nehi
and leave the bottle.
436
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,751
Did I tell you?
437
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:28,188
Put that on my tab.
438
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:29,406
Sit over here, Spunky.
439
00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:30,799
Uh, I don't know, ma'am.
440
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,670
I noncom drinking with a com?
441
00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:34,890
Besides, I'm not
very good company.
442
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:36,936
Will you stop clucking
and move over?
443
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,330
What are you doing herein the middle of the day?
444
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:41,941
What do you mean by that?
445
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,333
You're usuallyshadowing the colonel,
446
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:44,421
that's all.
447
00:15:44,421 --> 00:15:45,770
The colonel'son a picnic.
448
00:15:45,770 --> 00:15:47,555
And what's it to youanyway?
449
00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:49,296
Boy,I hate a pushy barmaid.
450
00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:51,037
-Is he with Colonel Rayburn?-Who do you think?
451
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:53,604
Those two are fast
becoming an item.
452
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,563
Do you think maybe--
453
00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:56,564
Nah.
454
00:15:56,564 --> 00:15:58,174
You betcha, nah.
455
00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:00,002
And anyway,it's all her fault.
456
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,134
Her fault?
457
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:02,396
She never lets him alone.
458
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:04,920
Who was it who came
to her tent last night?
459
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,139
To her tent?
460
00:16:06,139 --> 00:16:07,836
Oh, yeah. It's his fault.
461
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:10,360
It's still her fault.She didn't have to be there.
462
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,320
It's nobody's fault.
They like each other.
463
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,756
Hit me again.
464
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,586
I know you.
465
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,327
Can't remember the name,but I never forget a pace.
466
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:22,416
Those colonels should
have been back hours ago.
467
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:23,852
Radar, there comes a time
468
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,767
when you have to let the oldfolks out of the nest.
469
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,421
Listen, something
might have happened
out there, you know.
470
00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:29,292
There's snipers.
There's land mines.
471
00:16:29,292 --> 00:16:30,990
Even worse, they might be
getting friendly.
472
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,513
We all know how dangerousthat can be.
473
00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:34,602
Oh, yeah? My cousin
Raymond went on a picnic
474
00:16:34,602 --> 00:16:36,343
with a girl once, and
they had to get married.
475
00:16:36,343 --> 00:16:38,214
The colonel's alreadybeen spoken for.
476
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:39,694
Yeah, and that'swhat makes it worse.
477
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,348
Aren't you taking
a lot for granted?
478
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:42,566
What?
479
00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:44,046
Just because they
went out on a picnic
480
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:45,830
doesn't mean they're
having a picnic.
481
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,136
Huh?
482
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,746
They're mature,
intelligent adults.
483
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,009
Did you ever think
484
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,228
they might have gone
out there just to talk?
485
00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:54,143
Yeah, I know it could behappening that way.
486
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:55,666
Right. Now let's get down
to something important.
487
00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:57,886
Did you send those
telegrams out on B.J.?
488
00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,583
Only the first 27.
489
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:01,194
Come on. I'm gonna go outthere and look for them.
490
00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:02,369
Radar, relax.
491
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:06,242
Potter:
♪ H-A-Double R-I
492
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,853
♪ G-A-N spells Harrigan
493
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,420
♪ Harrigan
494
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:12,509
♪ Proud of all the Irish
blood that's in me ♪
495
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:14,163
♪ In me
496
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:16,383
♪ Devil a man can say
a word ag'in' me ♪
497
00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:17,471
♪ Ag'in' me
498
00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:18,646
That's them.
499
00:17:18,646 --> 00:17:20,474
♪ H-A-Double R-I
500
00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:21,823
Oh, my God,
they're being tortured.
501
00:17:21,823 --> 00:17:24,739
♪ G-A-N, you see?
502
00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:29,352
♪ Is a name that a shamenever has been connected with ♪
503
00:17:29,352 --> 00:17:31,659
♪ Harrigan, that's me
504
00:17:31,659 --> 00:17:33,530
♪ Boom, boom Ha ha!
505
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:35,837
I've heard better harmony
from a machine gun.
506
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,404
Who was singing harmony?
507
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,451
Lil, I had one
heck of a day.
508
00:17:41,451 --> 00:17:42,844
I hate to see it end.
509
00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:44,498
If things stayquiet around here,
510
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:45,977
it doesn't have to.
511
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:48,110
Stop by my place laterfor a nightcap.
512
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:49,590
You know the address.
513
00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:51,896
Do you know all the words
to "Second Hand Rose"?
514
00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:53,811
I sure do.
515
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,422
This time
I'll bring my voice.
516
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,554
Ha ha! Right.
517
00:17:57,554 --> 00:17:58,947
Ha ha!
518
00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:01,863
♪ [vocalizing]
519
00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:03,256
Howdy, buckeroos.
520
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:05,258
-Hey there, Buffalo Bob.-Good evening, Colonel.
521
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:07,260
Come on, boys,I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
522
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:08,652
Coffee's free here.
523
00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:11,829
-What's with him?
-Well, you know,
524
00:18:11,829 --> 00:18:13,831
you could have calledand told him you'd be late.
525
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,618
[knocking]
526
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:18,706
Come in.
527
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:23,928
♪ Everyone knows that she'sa second hand rose ♪
528
00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:27,497
♪ From Second Avenue
529
00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:30,718
Terrible.
530
00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:33,242
Well, after the
second-drink minimum,
531
00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,026
I'll sound like
Jeanette MacDonald.
532
00:18:35,026 --> 00:18:36,724
And I'll looklike Nelson Eddy.
533
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:43,600
♪ When I'm callingyoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hou ♪
534
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,515
Sherm, I don't know when
535
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:48,866
I've enjoyed anyone's
company as much as yours.
536
00:18:51,956 --> 00:18:55,960
How can I ever tell peopleI had fun in Korea?
537
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,572
We must have beensome sight today, Lil.
538
00:18:58,572 --> 00:19:01,227
Laughing and singingin the middle of a war.
539
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:04,665
Not a war. A police action.
540
00:19:04,665 --> 00:19:06,884
Yeah, so they tell me.
541
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:09,322
Cheers.
542
00:19:10,801 --> 00:19:13,848
I remember a captainI knew in England.
543
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:15,589
This is before D-Day.
544
00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:18,635
He got some English girlto go for a cookout one night
545
00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:21,769
on the beach at Brighton.He was from California.
546
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:24,032
You know how those peoplelove to barbecue everything.
547
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,514
Well, you couldn't havean open fire
548
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:30,386
because of the blackout,but they rigged up something.
549
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:34,173
Anyway, after he got abouta half a bottle of wine in her,
550
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,392
she decides she wantsto go swimming.
551
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,396
Yeah, well, uh...
552
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:42,050
while the two of them
553
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,922
are splashing around out therein their birthday suits,
554
00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:50,450
all these..landing craftstart landing, and, uh,
555
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:52,930
the whole British army'son maneuvers,
556
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:55,106
and spotlights went on,
557
00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:57,848
and, Lil,are you listening to me?
558
00:19:57,848 --> 00:19:59,633
Mm. We're in England.
559
00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:03,680
So you hadthese landing craft
560
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,595
and, uh, spotlights
561
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:08,032
and British troops.
562
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:10,296
Yes, you said that before.
563
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:12,776
-I did, didn't I?
-Yes, you did.
564
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:14,952
Lil, uh,
565
00:20:14,952 --> 00:20:16,258
is what's happening
566
00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:19,000
what I think is happening?
567
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:22,046
I think so.
568
00:20:22,046 --> 00:20:24,310
That's what I thought.
569
00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:29,619
Well, Lil, I, uh...
570
00:20:31,099 --> 00:20:33,362
I'm not, uh....
571
00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:36,104
that is to say
572
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:37,366
I don't--
573
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:38,976
No, hmm?
574
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:42,023
Not while there'sa girl at home
575
00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:44,199
with my picture on her piano.
576
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:52,294
Sherm, I just want
you to know that...
577
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:55,210
well, I don't fall into bed
with every man I meet.
578
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:56,385
I know that.
579
00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,563
Where did I get
my signals crossed?
580
00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:02,130
You didn't.
581
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:03,479
I just...
582
00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:06,265
gave youthe wrong impression.
583
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,614
I was so damn tickled
584
00:21:07,614 --> 00:21:10,617
having someone my own ageto talk to.
585
00:21:10,617 --> 00:21:13,576
That's all.
586
00:21:13,576 --> 00:21:15,317
I'm sorry.
587
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:18,451
So am I.
588
00:21:18,451 --> 00:21:23,064
It could have been
something quite special.
589
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,718
It still is.
590
00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:29,244
This is a memoryI'll never forget.
591
00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:33,814
Well, I have two more
MASHs to visit,
592
00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:35,206
and, uh...
593
00:21:36,730 --> 00:21:39,254
I'd better get
an early start.
594
00:21:40,951 --> 00:21:43,519
I'll see you offin the morning.
595
00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:52,528
But if I was ever tempted...
596
00:21:52,528 --> 00:21:54,704
You had your chance.
597
00:21:57,490 --> 00:21:59,274
Good night, Sherm.
598
00:21:59,274 --> 00:22:01,320
Good night, Lil.
599
00:22:07,717 --> 00:22:10,024
Radar, you all right?
600
00:22:10,024 --> 00:22:11,939
I heard that
rat-tat-tatting
601
00:22:11,939 --> 00:22:13,375
all across the compound.
602
00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:15,246
Just catching upon the paperwork, sir.
603
00:22:15,246 --> 00:22:16,770
You haven't beenaround much lately.
604
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,380
I know.
605
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:20,687
You've been a big help to methe last couple of days.
606
00:22:20,687 --> 00:22:21,775
Thank you.
607
00:22:21,775 --> 00:22:23,385
Just part of my job, sir.
608
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:24,952
Colonel Rayburn
will be leaving
609
00:22:24,952 --> 00:22:26,214
before breakfast
tomorrow.
610
00:22:26,214 --> 00:22:28,695
Would you drop by
my tent at about 6:00?
611
00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:31,132
-I want to see her off.-Yes, sir.
612
00:22:31,132 --> 00:22:32,829
Your tent?
613
00:22:32,829 --> 00:22:34,440
You going back
to your tent, sir?
614
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:35,702
Why not?
615
00:22:35,702 --> 00:22:37,268
That's where
I sleep, isn't it?
616
00:22:38,835 --> 00:22:40,402
Yes, sir, it sure is.
617
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,709
You know, Colonel
Rayburn's visit here
618
00:22:42,709 --> 00:22:45,189
has been
a real treat for me.
619
00:22:45,189 --> 00:22:48,367
I almost forgot how wonderfulit is to spend some time
620
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,457
with a woman who's beenaround as long as I have--
621
00:22:51,457 --> 00:22:53,589
speaks the same language.
622
00:22:53,589 --> 00:22:55,722
That's rare, Radar.
623
00:22:55,722 --> 00:22:58,855
Gee, I hope I meetsomebody like that someday.
624
00:22:58,855 --> 00:23:00,248
You will.
625
00:23:00,248 --> 00:23:01,815
I've met a couple.
626
00:23:01,815 --> 00:23:03,730
Married the one I loved.
627
00:23:05,471 --> 00:23:07,037
I understand, sir.
628
00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:08,648
Uh, don't worry about a thing.
629
00:23:08,648 --> 00:23:09,910
I'll fix everythingtonight for tomorrow.
630
00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,607
You just get some rest.
631
00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:12,826
Thanks, Radar.
632
00:23:12,826 --> 00:23:14,001
Good night, son.
633
00:23:14,001 --> 00:23:15,132
Good night, Colonel.
634
00:23:28,189 --> 00:23:29,625
Excuse me, sirs.
635
00:23:29,625 --> 00:23:31,540
Hawkeye, we got answersback to your telegrams.
636
00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,324
All right. This is it.Now I got you.
637
00:23:33,324 --> 00:23:34,282
What does it say?
638
00:23:34,282 --> 00:23:35,631
According
to every one we got,
639
00:23:35,631 --> 00:23:37,198
Captain Hunnicutt
has no first name.
640
00:23:37,198 --> 00:23:38,678
-Just B.J.
-What?
641
00:23:38,678 --> 00:23:40,462
Let me see that.
642
00:23:40,462 --> 00:23:44,074
B.J., B.J.
643
00:23:44,074 --> 00:23:46,337
Who would name
their kid B.J.?
644
00:23:46,337 --> 00:23:49,340
My mother Bea Hunnicuttand my father Jay Hunnicutt.
645
00:23:49,340 --> 00:23:50,951
B.J.
646
00:23:50,951 --> 00:23:53,475
Oh, sure.
Now I get it.
647
00:23:53,475 --> 00:23:55,695
Bea and Jay. B.J.
648
00:23:55,695 --> 00:23:58,959
You honestly expect meto buy that cockamamie story?
649
00:23:58,959 --> 00:24:00,917
Now, what does
it stand for?
650
00:24:00,917 --> 00:24:02,136
Anything you want.
651
00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:20,546
[theme music playing]
45605
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