All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S06E24 - Major Topper (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Them bones, them thigh bones,
them hip bones, them knee bones.

I haven't seen so many
broken bones

since the Army-Navy
game of '24.

HAWKEYE: What schools
played in that game?

I don't know.
I had lousy seats.

These marines
may be great fighters,

but they're lousy drivers.

HAWKEYE: It isn't
easy for a troop truck

to make a U-turn after
it's gone over a cliff.

Actually, these boys
are quite lucky.

They're missing all
the horrors of war.

Not so lucky. They'd been there.
They were on their way back.

This guy landed
right on his chest.

He's got fractured ribs,
a lacerated lung.
I'll have to do a lobectomy.

If there's too
much of a problem,
Hunnicutt, I can take it.

There's a fractured femur
here for you.

Thanks all the same, Charles,

but I've done at
least 50 of these.

Oh, really?

That's almost half
as many as I've done.

I beg your pardon, rookie,
but in what war?

The big one...
the war of the Boston commuters.

The contingency does not exist
for which I am not prepared.

You name it.
I've done it successfully.

Oh, yeah? Have you ever done
a mesenteric arterial
thrombosis?

-Before or after medical school?
-Dr. Winchester leads,
one to nothing.

Oh, yeah? How about
an abdominal aortic aneurysm?

-Yes, but it was very difficult.
-Oh, you actually admit that.

Yes, of course I do.
It was during a power blackout.

The snow's getting
pretty thick in here.

How many people
in this room can say

they have performed
a porta caval shunt?

-I can do a cartwheel.
-During an appendectomy.

-I thought so.
-Game, set and match
to Major Winchester.

He hasn't won anything.
We're just as good as he is.

Now, the hip bone is
connected to the neck bone.

No, no, it's connected
to the thigh bone...
No, no, wait a minute.

This serving ain't a bad gig,
Miller.

Once you lose your
sense of smell,
you got it licked.

I'll handle the spuds.
You dish out the stew.

-Here's your ladle.
-Oh, thank you. It's very nice.

-Is it plugged in?
-I beg your pardon?

Testing, testing.
One, two, three, test.

-[blows] Works fine.
-Very funny.

KLINGER: Lunchtime, folks!
Grab your platter
and watch it splatter.

-Have some stew, Colonel?
-What kind is it?

Could be beef, pork
or water buffalo.

We'll never know,
and it won't tell.

Well, as long as it's dead.
Spoon it on, son. No toast.

One brown puddle.
Hold the shingle.

Uh, I think I'll have
some of that too.

I wouldn't, Rabbi.
It may not be kosher.

Oh, that's all right.
I'm not orthodox.

I don't know what
you're pulling here, Miller...

but work the other side
of the street.

-[laughs] How about this one?
-What?

Beer Belly Gus
broke his own record.

That's unbelievable.
What's a Beer Belly Gus?

Just the biggest brew
guzzler in the West.
It says right here...

he just chug-a-lugged
a whole half keg

at the Petaluma
Lumberjack Festival.

That's as easy
as falling off a log.

Let me tell you about
Skowhegan Seth,

our old Maine fishing guide.

He once fell in
a seven-foot brewer's vat.

He would've drowned
if he hadn't drunk his way
down to five feet.

Can you imagine
what he'd have done if
he had pretzels with him.

Gentlemen, your tall tales
are mildly amusing.

Care to hear a short true one?

Gather around
the campfire, partners.

Old Gabby Winchester
is about to open a crock
of Boston-baked bull.

You boys never
give up, do you?

My story can be verified.

I have my Bible
if you'd like to swear on it.

Perhaps later.

Paddy O'Gorman,
our former handyman,

was a prodigious drinker.

At my sister's wedding,
when it came time to toast
the happy couple,

there was not a bottle
of champagne to be found.

We looked down the aisle,

and there was Paddy
belching from the bubbly,

setting up all his empties
for his own private
bowling tournament.

He got you.
I don't even have to hear yours.

I don't swallow that
for a second.

Boots Miller on the move
here in Korea,

where the men are rugged.

You can see it in their voices.

I'm about to interview
one of these brave and
courageous young soldiers.

What's your name, soldier,
and what do you do?

My name is Colonel Potter,
soldier,

and I bust wiseacres like you.

[laughs] These Brooklyn boys
have a language all their own.

How about you, trooper?

-Please. I have ladle fright.
-Hi, Mom.

Klinger, you in charge
of this man?

Miller, gimme that.

Please! We're on the air.

-Klinger, protege of yours?
-What do you think, I'm crazy?

Listen, this place ain't big
enough for two psychos.
Come on.

Aha! Here's a young lad
with the peach fuzz still
fresh on his cheeks.

-How old are you, sonny?
-Sonny? What's going on here?

Now, now, don't be nervous.

Why is this man talking
into a spoon?

-They're out of forks.
-Just stay away from me.

Isn't one of you enough?

-Major!
-And now let's pause...

for a musical salute
for these brave young soldiers.

It's Rosemary Clooney
and "Come On-a My House."

♪ Come on-a my house,
my house ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you candy

♪ Come on-a my house,
come on, come on ♪

♪ I'm gonna
give you everything ♪

♪ Come on-a my house,
come on, come on ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you candy

Klinger, you better keep
an eye on Rosemary Loony.

-[man groans]
-Kellye, come here.

It's a lot of pain here.
Where's that damn morphine?

Radar's breaking out
a new box.

Tell him to step on it.
This kid's in a lotta pain.

-When it gets here, set up an
eight milligram IV.
-Yes, sir.

RADAR:
Psst! Sirs?

Uh, listen, sirs,
this is the last box.

One lousy box and that's it?

Stuff's so popular, we can't
keep it on the shelves.

If that supply truck doesn't
get here by 1800 hours

-we're gonna have
to wait till tomorrow.
-What time is it now?

1830.

Well, this should keep
us going through the night okay.

-KELLYE: Doctors, quick!
-[man groaning]

He's burning up.

Could be a pyrogenic reaction.
Maybe the morphine's
contaminated.

-Or he's got a raging infection
of some kind.
-He looks bad.

Think we got him in time.
Kellye, alcohol rubdown.

Keep him cool and set up
a penicillin IV.

-Till we find out what this is.
-Yes, sir.

-What happened?
-We're not sure.

This kid had a peculiar
reaction to the morphine.

-You're sure it's morphine?
-That's the first thing
I checked.

We've either got contaminated
morphine or an acute infection.

Eighty-six this stuff.
Break out another box.

-Yeah, well...
-Something wrong?

Can we talk in the lobby?

-All right, what?
-That's the last of the
morphine until tomorrow.

Oh, dandy. Just once
I'd like to see supply
get here ahead of demand.

You'd think they'd give
preference to their
steady customers.

Radar, tell those
paperweights in Seoul
we may have a bad batch.

-I'll tell them we need more.
-Get more here extra pronto.

It's gonna be a long night.

♪♪ [whistling]

Hold it right there, soldier!
I'm from Movietone News,
and I want to get your picture.

Now just act natural,
stay in the light.

Come off it, Miller.
Who you kidding?

You can't take a picture
with a microphone.

No profile shots, please.
I don't have a wide-angle lens.

Okay, that does it!

Sit down.

It's time we had a little
nut-to-nut talk.

Take it from an old pro.

You might get an "A" in
perseverance, but that's it.

This microphone bit
is strictly for sandlot psychos.

This is the big league, guy.

Up here it takes seasoning,
finesse.

So from now on, you just
shut up, put down your
spoon and watch me.

-Okay.
-Good. Now, I don't want
to have to tell you again.

-You won't.
-All right.
Now let's get some sleep.

We got guard duty in two hours.

Good night, Miller.

Good night, Klinger.

Good night, Mr. Shoe.

Huh?

How could I forget?

Good night, Mr. Sock.

And don't you worry
about this little hole.

Mr. Toe doesn't mind a bit.

Night.

Night.

Whoo!

Folks, we've got
a real lulu on our hands.

Littered with wounded...

sitting on what could be
a rotten shipment of morphine.

-What about Seoul?
-Can't ship till tomorrow.

So the $64 question is,
"What do we do in the meantime?"

And for the grand prize,
what do they do in the meantime?

Why are we condemning
an entire shipment of morphine

because of one man's
negative reaction?

Because that one man
almost died.

Would you care to try
for two out of three?

Charles, in all my
experience as a doctor,

I have never seen
a reaction that bad.

In all my experience
as a doctor

and almost head of
thoracic surgery at
Massachusetts General--

Here he goes again.

I have never heard such a hasty
and unsubstantiated conclusion.

Colonel, he's right.
Let's try it on a second man.

-Roll up your sleeve, Charles.
-I loathe you, Pierce.

I call your loathe
and raise you two despises.

Well, we've got to do something.

Icing the wounds
is not gonna be enough.

I prescribe the morphine.

Sure. It's quick, effective,
possibly lethal.

We're not really loaded
with options, are we?

Pierce, close that door.

Now what I've got to tell you
has to be kept within the
confines of this room.

-I mean it.
-Go ahead.

Back in Hannibal, MO,

when I was about
eight years old

we lived across the street
from old Doc Schumacher.

Of course you did.
[snickering]

Simple country doctor.
A lot of horse sense.

One night my Aunt Grace
was visiting,

came down with
a terrible migraine.

Poor woman was in agony.
When we called Dr. Schumacher,

he said he'd come over
and see what he could do.

-All this is top secret?
-No. Let me finish.

Anyway, he shows up with
something that he said
would really do the trick.

Gave her a couple of pills,
told her not to worry,

she was gonna be fine,
completely cured.

Sure enough,
in about a half an hour,
she was up baking me cookies.

-What did he give her?
-Two sugar pills.

A placebo?
He gave her a phony cure?

Nothing phony about
her recovery.

Look, I'm happy
for Aunt Grace,

but, you know,
we're talkin' about
compound fractures.

And we're a long way
from Hannibal, MO.

The body can do
remarkable things

if the mind will let it.

Now, if we sell it,
really sell it,

it just might work.

But they're still
sugar pills.

Not if they believe
it's morphine.

Next thing you know, we'll be
sticking pins in little dolls.

Spoken like a true
shrunken head.

I say it's worth a try.

Well, if we don't
give them something,

they're gonna be
in a bad way.

I, for one, refuse to take part
in this ridiculous charade.

Charles, we're all
in this together.

And if you breathe
one word of this out there,

I promise you
a pain nothing will cure.

We need absolute security.
Anything negative will kill it.

Pierce, Hunnicutt,
why don't you go
to the pharmacy,

and make up about
fifty little white lies.

The rest of us will be
waiting in post-op.

-I hope I can be convincing.
-It's easy, Margaret.

Just pretend you're
in the high school play.

You're Rebecca of Sunnybrook
Farm passing out morphine.

This isn't gonna work.
This is not gonna work.
It won't wo--

Well, I hope I'm wrong.

Glassberg,
you know you're not allowed

to read that book
without a prescription.

What do you want, sirs?
I'm busy underlining.

-We need the room.
-Why? You got some girls?
It's kinda small in here.

-We're taking a spot inventory.
-At 1:00 in the morning?

Orders from Tokyo.
One of our tongue depressors
is missing. Get out.

-But leave the book.
-Not a chance. Look, just don't
make a mess in here, okay?

One or two small explosions.
That's it.

This is all the powdered sugar
I could scrape off the donuts.

-Where are the capsules?
-Look under K, here they are.

I wish Aunt Grace were here
to test these out.

-What's that for?
-For luck.

[knocking]

We're not finished yet.
Go read Fanny Hill.

-I beg your pardon?
-Oh, Father!

Fanny Hill...
a, um, famous nurse.

Yeah, she was a great comfort
to the boys during World War I.

If you say so.
Colonel Potter told me
what you were doing.

-I came by to see
if I could help.
-Grab a capsule and dig in.

These will cure aches, pains
and bitter coffee.

Father, this is right up
your alley.

Those boys will be taking
these pills on faith.

Ah, yes, faith...
the evidence of things unseen.

Looks like I've finally got
you fellas working with me.

Halt! Who goes there?

It's me... Klinger. Relax.
I'm here to relieve you.

Advance, Klinger,
and be recognized!

Come on. You know who I am.
You took enough film of me.

-Shh! You hear that?
-Hear what?

Enemy planes overhead.
Twelve o'clock high.

-I don't hear anything.
-Of course not. They're
gliders.

Oh, and they're gonna
drop bombs on us, right?

That's a lot you know.
That's enemy reconnaissance.

They've been overhead
for over two hours,
watching our every move.

Hit the dirt!

-I got... I got two of 'em!
-Give me that rifle, damn it!

Uh, it's all right, folks.
It's just a little backfire.

We're safe now.
I chased 'em all off.

It's okay.
Just a backfire.

Why'd you do that?
Even I wouldn't do that.

You could've gotten us killed.
You are nuts.

If they gave me
a Section Eight tonight,
I'd give it to you.

I don't want a Section Eight.
I want to serve my country.

Now I know you're crackers.
Get out of here, Miller. Go on!

Go on back to your tent
and sit up with Mr. Shoes
and Mr. Socks.

I forgot.
Gee, I hope they're all right.

Come on, guys.
Let's go back to the tent.

Only thing I don't understand
is why he's not an officer.

We about ready?

-All right, kids.
It's show time.
-Wait a minute.

I'm not one to harp on things,
but this is all up to us.

Here's the
formula: If we believe
it, they believe it.

If we can make it work
in their minds...

it just might work
in their bodies.

Otherwise, they're only
taking sugar pills.

Colonel, they are
only taking sugar pills.

-However, I am
a consummate actor.
-You better be.

I am. I am, Margaret.

I was in the Hasty Pudding shows
at Harvard.

Two years.
I have my reviews if...

Okay, Collins,
I got your medication here.

-Thanks, Doc.
-This is a very,
very strong painkiller.

-And it'll really put me out?
-You're gonna be asleep in
a few minutes.

-You sure one's enough?
-These are very potent.
One's more than enough.

How long till this
takes effect, Doc?

Oh, well, see,
there are a number of
variable factors involved,

your metabolism,
rate of ingestion--

Ten minutes, soldier.

Yeah, ten minutes,
give or take a minute.

What's in it, Father?
Morphine?

No, it's...
it's better.

Come on, Rifkin, put it on
the back of your tongue

and chase it down
with a little water.

I can't swallow pills, Doc.
I choke on Sen-Sen.

You're like my horse.
I have to hide her pill
in an old apple core.

All right. Open your mouth,
close your eyes.

Do it.

You'll be out of pain soon.

I wish I could say the same.
You just bit my finger.

Given up so soon, Major?

Father, it isn't working.

Knowing that, it is very
difficult for me to sit
in there and smile.

-It's only been a few minutes.
-If it hasn't taken effect by
now, it never will.

Oh, ye of little faith.

Father, I am a man of medicine,
not a medicine man.

Sirs, I think you
better come quick.

You're gonna wanna see this.

See? Told you.

Doc, I'm still in pain.

Give it time.
You just took the pill.

The pill isn't working.

It takes a little longer
with some people.

-I can tell, my...
-Okay, I'll give you
one more, but that's it.

-These things are
just too strong.
-Thanks, Doc.

-Could you hurry?
-Kellye?

You're really beginning
to feel it, aren't ya, son?

Yeah. The arm
stopped throbbing.

It's gonna feel even better.
Now get some sleep.

Almost half.
Not too bad.

Maybe next time we ought
to put in more sugar.

Gentlemen, I would say
that as placebos go,
our results were remarkable.

Between the placebos,
the sleeping pills
and the ice packs,

they should make it
through the night.

Old Doc Schumacher
would've been proud.

-Yeah, I wanna thank you boys
for coming through on this.
-All for a good cause.

I know it was my idea,
but I got to admit

it was the damnedest thing
I ever saw.

It's just not fair,
you know.

I spent all those years
in medical school,

and these guys wind up
helping themselves.

The best doctor is
right up here.

Hey, hey, don't
spread it around.
We'll be out of jobs.

It was just amazing.

Obviously to a Maine boy,
it would be.

-And you've witnessed better?
-Of course I have.

Massachusetts General, '47.
Appendectomy. No anesthesia.

I know.
Your handyman inhaled it all.

Dr. Babcock put the patient
under by hypnotizing him
with his gold watch.

And when he woke up
his appendix,

the watch and the doctor
were gone.

Jest if you like.
It's all there

in the Massachusetts
medical record.

Now I have a reason to go home.
I want to look that up.

It wouldn't help you
a bit, Pierce.
It doesn't have pictures.

[chuckling]

-I'm gonna get that guy.
-I hate to top you,
but I'm gonna get that guy.

-Would you settle for we're
gonna get that guy?
-Come on, little boys.

You've had a busy day.

I'm sick and tired
of Charles topping us

every time
we open our mouths.

Yeah, he does do his best
to humiliate you,

but that's part of his charm.

Care to join us under
the big top, Colonel?

-We're gonna work him over.
-Nah. I'll read about it

-in the court-martial.
-Ah.

Sir, I've got to
talk to you.

Not now, Klinger.
I'm due at a 40-wink festival.

But it's about
Corporal Miller.

You told me to keep
an eye on him.

What is it?
Is he wearing your dresses?

No, he's past that, sir.
He talks to his socks.

As long as he
keeps them clean.

Colonel, during guard duty,

he shot down imaginary
enemy gliders

with not so imaginary bullets.

Klinger, I'd like to do
my dreaming in bed.

Colonel, it's the truth.

Right now he's in the field
interrogating the glider pilots.

And you're upset 'cause you
didn't think of it first.

I'm telling you.
The guy is loony tunes.

Bud-up, bud-up, bud-up.
And that's all, folks!

I got it.
You're working with him.

Well, the two of you together

don't add up to
a Section Four.
Good night!

Take it from me.
The guy's Freddy

from the funny farm,
wraparound jacket and all.

Hup, hup, hup!
Prisoners, halt!

All right, you two,
move over there!

Keep your hands in sight,
move slow and no talking!

Colonel, may
I present a lunatic?

Colonel Potter,
is there a place we can keep
these dangerous prisoners?

In the rubber room.

Corporal, put the gun down.
You're giving me the shakes.

Sir, that's ridiculous.

I got two dangerous
prisoners here.

If I put this gun down,
they'll disappear in a minute.

Miller, let's
talk about this.

Hand Klinger the rifle.

He'll watch the prisoners.

You just show me
where they are.

Okay.

Halt! Oh, no!

They got another glider.
They're taking off!

Halt! Halt!

[firing continues]

When he runs out of
ammunition, bulldog him.

I'll be in my office
doing the paperwork
to get him out of here.

Colonel, as long as
you're filling out
one Section Eight form,

-what would it hurt
to do another?
-[gunshot]

Hey, Beej, did I ever tell you
about Lenore Clement,

voted Miss New England
of 1949?

-No. Did you know her?
-Are you kidding?

I knew her when she was
Miss Maine of'48,

-even Miss Crabapple Cove
of'47.
-Really?

I painted her swimsuit on her.

Oh, funny you should
mention swimsuits.

-Once in Hollywood, I dated
Esther Williams's stand-in.
-Really?

I could kiss her
for an hour at a time,

she could hold her breath
so long.

Tell me, was she,
uh, beautiful?

Gorgeous!
From her head to her gills.

Ever heard of Audrey Hepburn?

Sure. Big brown eyes.
Beautiful smile.

Lot of talent.
I understand she can act too.

And you dated her stand-in,
right?

'Course not.
I dated her.

-Oh, come on!
-That's it! We're callin' you
on this one, Charles.

Look, Charles,
we've had enough of your lies.

Your handyman? Okay.

-The hypnotist? Maybe.
-Maybe.

-But Audrey Hepburn?
-It's just a laugh.

Never! I've seen her,
and not only couldn't
you date her,

she wouldn't let you into
a theater where one of
her movies was playing.

Actually, I've never seen
any of her films.

-B.J.: Ah, really?
-I just had dinner with her.

Don't you ever give up?

Face it, Mother Goose,
we got you this time.

Quasimodo would have
a better chance

of dating Audrey Hepburn
than you.

-Gentlemen...
-Oh, look at this.

I... I hate to do this.

[laughing]

You...

-What is it? Let me see.
-Nothing, nothing.

It's just a picture of Audrey
Hepburn having dinner with--

I can't say it... Charles.

It's a fake.

-It's not a fake!
-I'm gonna be sick.

A charming little girl.

Lovely old world manners.
Appetite of a bird.

I guess that shows you.

When will you
two cretins realize

that your feeble imaginations

cannot keep up
with my real life?

-Oh, yeah?
-Brilliant riposte, Pierce.

-Oh, yeah?
-Come on, Hawk, come on.

Next he'll be tellin' us
how he climbed Mount Everest.

You know, it's very strange
you should mention climbing.

-He went up Everest.
-Well, not yet, no.

The Matterhorn in winter.
It's more sporting that way.

-Oh, that's it, that's it.
-Uncle.

I'll never forget
the morning we set out.

Eighty mile an hour winds.

Lars, our guide,
immediately doubled his fee.

I fired him, of course.

Got a package for you, Colonel,
from the Novelite Toy Company.

Mildred probably sent
something cute for the horse.

A whoopee saddle?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, it's a sock
with a face on it.

Anyone we know?

Well, here's a letter.

[high voice]
Hi, my name is Stinky.

-It's from Boots Miller.
-Get away from me, you creep.

"Dear Colonel Potter.
Meet Mr. Sock.

"He was invented
in your very own camp.

Invented?
Boots was a fake.

"And in the last two months,
we've sold over 50,000 of them.

A rich fake.

"I'm now vice-president
in charge of research
and development

"of the Novelite Toy Company.

How do you like that guy?
He even fooled me.

"I wrote to thank you
and at the same time
to ask for your help.

-"I have an idea for a new toy
called Enemy Glider.
-Oh, no.

"I've been able to reproduce
the pilot perfectly,

"but did not get a good look
at the glider itself.

Did you by chance take
any photographs of the one
that I shot down?"

♪♪ [theme]