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00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:04,439
♪♪ [theme]
2
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-[horn honking]
-Mail! Mail!
3
00:00:56,882 --> 00:00:59,015
The mail's here!
4
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,756
RADAR: Hold it,
guys, hold it.
5
00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:02,453
Come on. Hey,
let me through here.
6
00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:04,107
Come on, come on, you guys.
7
00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:06,283
This is government property.
Hold it, just hold it, will ya?
8
00:01:06,327 --> 00:01:08,111
Where ya been, Kelsey?
We ain't had mail
in three weeks.
9
00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:09,678
Oh, write
your congressman.
10
00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:11,288
By the time he gets it,
he'll be out of office.
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00:01:11,332 --> 00:01:12,855
Just sign it.
12
00:01:12,898 --> 00:01:14,378
Look out, look out, will ya?
Give a serviceman a break.
13
00:01:14,422 --> 00:01:15,727
Come on, Klinger, get down!
14
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,077
I ain't heard from
my wife in two months!
15
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,295
It's drivin' me crazy!
16
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:19,514
Listen, when I sort it,
you'll get it.
17
00:01:19,557 --> 00:01:20,689
All right, you heard him.
18
00:01:20,732 --> 00:01:21,820
When he sorts it,
you'll get it.
19
00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:23,344
Now move back,
everybody. Stop.
20
00:01:23,387 --> 00:01:25,737
-Gimme that, Radar.
-Hey, come on, hands off.
21
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,739
Hands off, Klinger.
Come on.
22
00:01:27,783 --> 00:01:29,567
Don't torture me. Two months
I haven't heard from her,
23
00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:31,047
and I want to know why.
24
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,875
-Hey, hey!
-I'm picking up her scent.
25
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:34,485
It always hits me
like a wrecking ball.
26
00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:36,835
-Laverne, come out!
-Stop that!
27
00:01:36,879 --> 00:01:38,837
Radar, please.
My wife's in there.
28
00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:42,885
Absolutely no.
Sniffin' the mail. Holy cow.
29
00:01:42,928 --> 00:01:44,539
Oh, oh, come on.
30
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:47,411
This is how we get camels
to stand up in the desert.
31
00:01:47,455 --> 00:01:50,327
My uncle Ed used to do that.
He was-- Ow-- Give me--
32
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:53,287
-Ah-ha!
-You dirty guy.
33
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:55,245
Gin.
34
00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:56,855
I'm not playing
with him anymore.
35
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Too quick for me.
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00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:59,031
Blitz you, my son.
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00:01:59,075 --> 00:02:00,163
Mail's sorted.
38
00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:01,860
Ah, the Shetland Pony Express.
39
00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:03,253
You want yours here,
Father,
40
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:04,776
or in your tent
when you're there?
41
00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:06,604
Here'll be fine.
It's traveled far enough.
42
00:02:06,648 --> 00:02:09,477
Ah, a short note from my
sister in the convent.
43
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:10,739
Oh, a nun-o-gram.
44
00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:12,567
Captain Hunnicutt,
Captain Hunnicutt,
45
00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:13,742
Captain Hunnicutt.
46
00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:15,918
-Those are for me.
-Ah.
47
00:02:15,961 --> 00:02:18,747
You got a magazine
and two letters.
48
00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:22,577
Oh, great. The bonus
issue of Nudesweek.
49
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,056
This is the one
where they announce
50
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:26,058
the all-star volleyball team.
51
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:27,538
I voted for Ilsa
the Magnificent.
52
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:29,366
I love to watch her spike.
53
00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:30,759
Dibs after you, sir.
54
00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:32,413
See me next month.
55
00:02:32,456 --> 00:02:36,591
Right. Uh, two letters
for Major Winchester
56
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,332
and one
for "Master Charles."
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00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:40,072
From his mother.
Probably his allowance.
58
00:02:40,116 --> 00:02:41,552
Hear, hear!
59
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:44,164
Good news for Our Lady
of Hermosa basketball team.
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00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:46,862
A 7-foot-tall novice.
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00:02:46,905 --> 00:02:49,343
She can wear the hoop
as a halo.
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00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,609
Uh, Corporal.
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00:02:54,652 --> 00:02:57,133
Oh, sorry, sir.
Here's your mail.
64
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,613
Unopened, I trust.
65
00:02:58,656 --> 00:02:59,875
Of course, sir.
66
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:02,312
I wouldn't
touch your allowance.
67
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:04,749
Beej, you remember last month
when I got two letters
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00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,490
for some other guy
named Benjamin Pierce?
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00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,318
Greatest love letters
I've ever read.
70
00:03:08,362 --> 00:03:09,450
Here's another.
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00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:11,408
There are two of you, Pierce?
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00:03:11,452 --> 00:03:13,236
God help us all.
73
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,759
Is it from Gloria
or Joyce?
74
00:03:14,803 --> 00:03:16,979
-Susan.
-Another one?
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00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:18,981
This guy probably joined
the war to get some sleep.
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00:03:19,024 --> 00:03:21,810
[chuckles]
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00:03:21,853 --> 00:03:24,595
Nibbling on her shoulder
blades in an avocado grove,
78
00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:25,988
and at harvest time.
79
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:27,163
Huh.
80
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,078
She's turning me
into guacamole.
81
00:03:29,121 --> 00:03:31,123
-I shouldn't be
listening to this.
-Neither should I.
82
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,647
"I can still feel
your hot breath
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00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:33,909
on the nape of my neck."
84
00:03:33,952 --> 00:03:36,303
I'll be moseying
along now.
85
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:37,782
CHARLES: Say hello
to my friends
86
00:03:37,826 --> 00:03:39,044
on the outside,
will you?
87
00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:40,655
Oh, here's the best part.
88
00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:43,179
If I yawn,
it's only in anticipation.
89
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,833
Fine. I'll read it to B.J.
90
00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:46,400
Oh, damn!
91
00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:47,662
Okay. I'll read it
to myself.
92
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:49,098
Look what happens
when a man's
93
00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:50,578
-forced away from his home.
-What? What?
94
00:03:50,621 --> 00:03:52,710
Ah, Peg became a plumber
for the first time.
95
00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:54,103
Tried to fix the sink.
96
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:56,105
She now has a flooded
kitchen and a cold.
97
00:03:56,148 --> 00:03:58,673
-Wait a minute.
-What, what, what?
98
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,152
Went to a neighborhood party,
99
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:02,807
and one of our good neighbors
made a pass at her.
100
00:04:02,851 --> 00:04:04,113
How did she handle it?
101
00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:06,681
She thought it was funny.
Ha ha.
102
00:04:06,724 --> 00:04:08,552
Sounds like she
handled it very well.
103
00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:10,162
God, I wish I were home.
104
00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:11,468
None of this would have
happened if I'd been there.
105
00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:13,122
Beej, aside
from a damp kitchen,
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00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:14,471
she's taking care of things.
107
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:16,256
Yeah, well,
she shouldn't have to.
108
00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:17,909
What am I doing here?
109
00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,128
[laughing]
110
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:20,782
You find that funny, Charles?
111
00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:22,305
Certainly not.
112
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,916
At least I have received
some good news. Do you mind?
113
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,831
Forty percent of the
Missouri sorghum crop
114
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:28,659
was destroyed by hail.
Ho ho ho!
115
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:30,139
Best news I've heard today.
116
00:04:30,182 --> 00:04:31,532
No,
you don't understand.
117
00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:33,751
I'm heavily invested
in Canadian sorghum.
118
00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:36,319
People wiped out,
and all you can
think of is yourself.
119
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:38,365
They have their interests.
I have mine.
120
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:40,454
What am I doing here?
121
00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:42,369
[jet passing overhead]
122
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:52,204
Got some new snapshots of
my grandson Corey. Wanna peek?
123
00:04:52,248 --> 00:04:54,859
-Oh, yeah, sure, sir.
-Here he is in the sandbox.
124
00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,078
Of course,
you can't see him.
125
00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:58,689
He just threw sand
in the lens.
126
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:00,909
Here's one of him and his
little friends on the swings.
127
00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:03,738
The blur in the middle
is him.
128
00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:06,175
Boy, that Mildred
is some photographer.
129
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:08,482
Yeah, he looks a lot
like you, sir.
130
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:11,572
Radar, you can't even
see him in any of these.
131
00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:13,313
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll look again, sir.
132
00:05:13,356 --> 00:05:14,836
What's the matter?
133
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:16,403
Um, uh, it's personal.
134
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,970
Oh, in that case, it's
none of my business.
135
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,494
My mom's got a boyfriend.
136
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:23,061
She does? Well,
what's wrong with that?
137
00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:25,063
Poor woman's been
alone a long time.
138
00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:26,369
Might be good for her.
139
00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:27,936
Well, she's got my
uncle Ed, though.
140
00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:29,764
-Colonel, I've got
to talk to you.
-Later.
141
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,200
I'm destroyed.
142
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,376
My world has collapsed.
My life is over.
143
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:36,292
Klinger, right now I need you
like a double hernia.
144
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:39,556
Laverne wants a divorce.
She wants to divorce me.
145
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,776
Didn't we go through
this routine before?
146
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:45,606
Oh, yeah. The week after
the Toledo scarlet fever
epidemic.
147
00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:46,998
Where you goin', son?
148
00:05:47,042 --> 00:05:48,391
Oh, you're busy, sir.
149
00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:50,088
We'll talk about it
later, okay?
150
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:51,525
Colonel,
in a family crisis,
151
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,527
the Red Cross can fix it
for me to go home
152
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:55,050
if you'll sign the papers.
153
00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:56,878
No! And don't
bug the Red Cross.
154
00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:59,054
They got enough trouble with
their bologna sandwiches.
155
00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:00,534
But you don't understand.
156
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,318
Klinger, I understand
only too well.
157
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,276
And this one isn't
even original. Blow!
158
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,278
Colonel, you've got
to help me out.
159
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:09,717
Okay, here. Put one foot
after the other,
160
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:10,892
and you're out.
161
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,460
- Major.
- Major.
162
00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:15,026
Have you seen
my tortoise pen?
163
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:16,550
-My tortoise shell
fountain pen?
- No.
164
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,421
I won it in a debate.
165
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:20,641
"Should the U.S. permit
more liberal immigration?"
166
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:22,643
-I, of course,
took the negative.
-Ohh.
167
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,427
My family has had
problems with immigrants
168
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:26,037
ever since we came
to America.
169
00:06:26,081 --> 00:06:29,127
Aha, found it.
170
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:31,173
Oh, thank goodness,
my nib is intact.
171
00:06:31,216 --> 00:06:34,219
Fine. I'm very happy for you.
Now please leave.
172
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:36,396
My, my, something
certainly has you upset.
173
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:38,876
Look, Your Nibs,
I'm very busy.
174
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,443
I hope
it's nothing I've done.
175
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,445
No, it's a family matter.
176
00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:45,535
-Oh, would you like
to talk about it?
-No.
177
00:06:45,579 --> 00:06:48,451
Margaret, I'm really
interested in your welfare.
178
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:49,974
Share your troubles.
It might help.
179
00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:52,324
Sometimes getting it
off your chest can be--
180
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:53,500
All right, all right.
181
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:55,415
I got a letter
from my mother-in-law.
182
00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:58,069
-Uh-huh.
-She still addresses me
by my maiden name.
183
00:06:58,113 --> 00:06:59,375
How rude.
184
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,290
She refuses to
acknowledge our marriage.
185
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:02,857
Unforgivable.
186
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:05,468
She writes Donald constantly,
recommending good lawyers.
187
00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:07,078
She loves to drop in
little phrases
188
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:10,473
like "two different worlds"
and "one's own kind."
189
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:11,996
Yes,
I'm familiar with those.
190
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,129
But now this.
Donald put me up
191
00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:15,957
for an associate membership
in the D.A.R.,
192
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,742
and she blackballed me.
193
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,484
-Well, that's understandable.
-What?
194
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:24,139
Margaret, the D.A.R.
has standards to maintain.
195
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:25,749
They can't let just
anybody in.
196
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:26,968
Besides, you wouldn't
be happy there.
197
00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:28,404
People standing around
198
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,101
talking about things
you wouldn't understand
199
00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:32,408
-and ignoring you
in the process.
-Is that so?
200
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,542
Margaret, people
like we Winchesters
and the Penobscotts
201
00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:39,676
must constantly be on guard
to maintain the integrity of,
202
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,591
how shall I say, the breed.
203
00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:44,551
What am I, half schnauzer,
half airedale?
204
00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:46,596
Now, now, dear.
205
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,512
Inherited characteristics
are extremely important,
206
00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:51,122
and the bloodline
is the key.
207
00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:54,561
Most assuredly you are good
breeding stock, wide pelvis.
208
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,693
-Ooh. Good bones.
-Out!
209
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:58,347
-Firm muscle tone.
-Out!
210
00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,044
-Excellent reflexes.
-Out!
211
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:02,003
Will you excuse me?
212
00:08:02,046 --> 00:08:03,918
No pies for you,
and that's final!
213
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:05,659
[laughter]
214
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,929
I've never seen
these fellows before.
215
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:18,367
They're marvelous.
They're so, uh, surrealistic.
216
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:20,456
A guy makes a pass.
She laughs it off.
217
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,936
Beej, cut it off
at the pass.
218
00:08:21,979 --> 00:08:23,503
It's just not like her.
219
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:25,026
She sounds less like
herself with every letter.
220
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:26,593
You want to be depressed?
Watch the picture.
221
00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,333
I'm trying
to watch the picture.
222
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,074
Oh, Charles is
trying to watch.
223
00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:31,336
Quiet, everybody!
224
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:32,468
Go ahead, Charles.
Watch.
225
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:33,774
Wombat.
226
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,819
POTTER: Oh, there's
Klinger's uncle.
227
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,125
[laughter]
228
00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:38,735
[sighs]
229
00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:41,651
You don't seem to be
enjoying the movie, son.
230
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:46,177
Old people shouldn't get
married. She's almost 50.
231
00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:48,005
Are we watching
the same movie?
232
00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:49,572
Would you mind?
233
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:52,444
Oh, that's right.
You're watching.
234
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:54,882
Wait a minute, boys.
I've got you all beat.
235
00:08:54,925 --> 00:08:56,536
I've got five of a kind.
236
00:08:56,579 --> 00:08:58,102
What do you mean,
five of a kind?
237
00:08:58,146 --> 00:09:00,322
Quintuplets.
238
00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:02,193
Who needs the D.A.R.?
239
00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:03,847
George Washington.
240
00:09:03,891 --> 00:09:05,806
They gave him doughnuts
and cocoa at Valley Forge.
241
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,372
Can't hear the dialogue!
242
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:10,027
I've never been to a movie
with such rude people!
243
00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:12,856
HAWKEYE: Usher! Usher!
Throw these rowdies out!
244
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,728
[all groaning]
245
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:17,295
-CHARLES: Klinger.
-Get off my back!
246
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:19,950
Klinger, rethread the machine
and get on with the show.
247
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:23,127
Rethread it yourself!
I've had it!
248
00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:25,129
Colonel Potter.
Colonel Potter,
he's walking out!
249
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:26,957
Klinger,
come back here.
250
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,872
Now what in tarnation's
going on?
251
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:31,701
I told you.
My wife's divorcing me.
252
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:34,225
Tell us after the movie.
Come on, let's watch it.
253
00:09:34,269 --> 00:09:36,445
Klinger, save it
for Talent Night.
254
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,621
I want somebody
to listen to me.
255
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:40,101
We've heard it all, Klinger.
256
00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:41,755
It's just another
phony story.
257
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:45,497
No, it's not.
This is phony, sir.
258
00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:49,632
This is! And this here
is phony, sir, and this.
259
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:52,896
All of this is phony.
But my wife leaving me isn't.
260
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:54,376
She took my allotment checks,
261
00:09:54,419 --> 00:09:55,725
built up a nice bank account,
262
00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:57,292
and now she's found
another guy.
263
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:03,341
I will never get to see
the end of this movie.
264
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:10,566
Look, son. We can't
let every soldier
265
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,655
who gets a "Dear John"
letter go home.
266
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,352
Nobody'd
be left overseas.
267
00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:16,790
If I could just see her,
talk to her.
268
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:19,183
I've known Laverne
since we were kids.
269
00:10:19,227 --> 00:10:20,663
I trusted her.
270
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,143
She was my lookout
on fruit stand heists
271
00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:23,753
when I was 12.
272
00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:25,537
The day I left,
she promised to wait.
273
00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:27,539
She didn't tell me
some guy was gonna
wait with her.
274
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:29,541
Well, at least
you can talk to her.
275
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,631
Come on. We'll
put through a call.
276
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:34,808
Nah. I don't want to call.
277
00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,810
The creep she's hooked up
with might answer,
278
00:10:36,853 --> 00:10:38,246
and I couldn't
handle that now.
279
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:40,596
When you're ready,
the line's yours.
280
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,206
This is the worst day
of my life.
281
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,686
Don't be ridiculous.
282
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,645
You're gonna have a lot
worse days than this.
283
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:47,908
Thank you, sir.
284
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,605
You've been away from
each other for a long time.
285
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,128
She's got to become
her own person.
286
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,869
What if we become
strangers?
287
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,305
Oi.
288
00:10:54,349 --> 00:10:55,567
I need a baritone over here.
289
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:58,483
Come on. We need
another Ink Spot.
290
00:10:58,527 --> 00:10:59,963
Come on. What's it
going to be, Father?
291
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,878
"Button Up Your Overcoat."
292
00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:03,401
-Fine. Key of L.
-Yeah.
293
00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:05,708
♪♪
294
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:09,190
[harmonizing]
♪ Button up your overcoat
295
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:12,019
♪ When the wind blows free
296
00:11:12,062 --> 00:11:14,499
♪ Take good care of yourself
297
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:16,980
♪ You belong to me
298
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:20,810
♪ Be careful crossing streets
Ooh ooh ♪
299
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,246
Come on, Beej. Sing.
300
00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:24,727
♪ Don't eat meats
Ooh ooh ♪
301
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:27,730
♪ Cut out sweets
Ooh ooh ♪
302
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:30,864
♪ You'll get a pain
and ruin your tum-tum ♪
303
00:11:30,907 --> 00:11:32,604
Bartender.
304
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,694
-Take five, Pops.
-Give me a double.
305
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:37,174
What do you say I take you
home and put you to bed?
306
00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:38,654
Ah, you servicemen
are all alike.
307
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,221
-Come on, come on.
-Bartender.
308
00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:42,876
Come on, you've had enough,
doughboy. Time for bed.
309
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:44,094
May your fingers never
lose their cunning.
310
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:46,227
Ah. See ya in church.
311
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:47,619
Have one on me, Klinger.
312
00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:50,274
Matter of fact,
I'll have one with ya.
313
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,623
Excuse me, Father.
314
00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:53,016
Klinger,
you wanna sing along?
315
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:55,627
No. I don't know nothin'
but torch songs.
316
00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:58,761
Can you lend me 20 bucks?
317
00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:01,590
Oh, I think so.
318
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:04,288
Gonna play poker,
I assume. Good.
319
00:12:04,332 --> 00:12:06,595
It'll take your mind off
your domestic problems.
320
00:12:08,597 --> 00:12:11,774
I'm goin' A-W-O-L.
321
00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:14,472
Oh, no, my son.
Don't do that.
322
00:12:14,516 --> 00:12:16,648
Why, you could get
into terrible trouble.
323
00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:17,911
You could wind up
in the stockade.
324
00:12:17,954 --> 00:12:19,739
Who cares?
I gotta see her, Father.
325
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:21,392
I gotta talk to her
before she marries Morty.
326
00:12:21,436 --> 00:12:22,742
Morty?
327
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:26,615
Her guy. Makes sausage
casings. Big hands.
328
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:27,703
Wish me luck.
329
00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:30,837
I can't let you do this.
330
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,099
You want
your 20 bucks back?
331
00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:34,449
No. Klinger, please.
332
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:37,321
Just promise me
you'll think about this.
333
00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:39,802
Sleep on it. We'll talk
in the morning.
334
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,369
I won't be here.
335
00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:43,893
Then you give me no choice
but to tell Colonel Potter.
336
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:45,068
You'd squeal?
337
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:46,635
Oh, for your own good.
338
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,553
Okay. See you
in the morning.
339
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:54,686
You won't regret this.
Sleep well.
340
00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:57,472
Boy, you're no soft touch.
341
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:01,693
-Good night, Irene.
-[mumbling]
342
00:13:01,737 --> 00:13:04,827
-Must be wonderful
to have a second language.
-[knocking]
343
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,089
Sir?
344
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,830
Shh! The baby's asleep.
345
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:10,833
Yeah. Can I, uh,
can I talk to you?
346
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,792
Uh, let's sit
on the veranda.
347
00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:19,711
Care to whittle?
348
00:13:19,755 --> 00:13:21,191
No, I'm too upset.
349
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,193
Oh, so talk about it.
350
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:26,022
-Well, you know my mother.
-Only by mail.
351
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:28,720
Well, you know, she's
been without my dad
for a long time now.
352
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:30,244
Yeah, I know. yeah.
353
00:13:30,287 --> 00:13:33,029
She started keeping
company with this man.
354
00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:35,902
He's been a teller
at the Farmer's Bank
for 30 years.
355
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:38,687
He's a third degree Mason.
He's an elder in his church.
356
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:40,384
Sounds like a pretty
shady character.
357
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:41,733
Look, sir, I'm serious.
358
00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:43,039
Okay, I'm sorry.
What's the problem?
359
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:44,519
Well, I don't even
know this guy,
360
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,086
and he's going around
with my mom.
361
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,565
It's, uh, look, bingo
362
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:50,177
on Wednesday night
at the Masonic Lodge.
363
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:53,136
On Friday it's square dancing
at the Pentecostal Church.
364
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,835
Every Sunday he gets her
in his Nash Metropolitan,
365
00:13:55,878 --> 00:13:58,446
and he takes her over
to Lockport for snow-cones.
366
00:13:58,489 --> 00:14:01,841
Just the two of 'em.
They never stop.
It's go, go, go!
367
00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:03,233
So what's wrong, wrong, wrong?
368
00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:04,495
Old people aren't
supposed to go
369
00:14:04,539 --> 00:14:05,714
runnin' around like that.
370
00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:08,325
Sure they are.
I think it's great.
371
00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:11,198
Well, yeah,
but what if he, uh...
372
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,418
suppose he wants
to horse around?
373
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,507
Great. It's good for
the cardiovascular system.
374
00:14:16,551 --> 00:14:19,206
Come on! This is my mom
we're talkin' about!
375
00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:21,382
Radar, she's a woman.
She's a warm human being.
376
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:22,774
Where do you think
you came from,
377
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:23,950
the Monkey Ward catalogue?
378
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,647
That was my regular father.
379
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:28,476
Radar. Radar, you're jealous.
380
00:14:28,519 --> 00:14:30,434
-Me? Jealous?
-Yeah, sure.
381
00:14:30,478 --> 00:14:31,871
You have to share her
with somebody else
382
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,481
for the first time since
you were a little kid.
383
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:40,357
Yeah. Maybe I am jealous.
384
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:42,446
I was the same way.
The same thing happened to me.
385
00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:44,100
My father's a widower,
you know.
386
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:45,362
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
387
00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:46,755
You mean just like my mom?
388
00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:49,627
Yeah, right. When I was
about 12 years old,
389
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:52,761
he got interested
in this very nice lady.
390
00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:54,154
She was a bookkeeper.
391
00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:56,808
And I was sore as hell.
392
00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:59,115
I didn't say anything,
but he knew I was sore.
393
00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:02,727
And he really wanted me
to like her, but I wouldn't.
394
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:06,383
Anyway.
395
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:12,259
Well, I guess he needed
my approval so much
396
00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:13,303
that, uh...
397
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:16,698
he didn't marry her.
398
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:20,571
And he's been alone
to this day.
399
00:15:22,834 --> 00:15:25,141
And loneliness is everything
it's cracked up to be.
400
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:28,536
Yeah, I guess it is.
401
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:30,886
So, with your mother,
402
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,453
I'd-I'd wait
and see what happens.
403
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:38,111
Yeah, well, if you say so.
404
00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:42,767
Uh, but you know,
I was thinking.
405
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:45,335
Um, if it doesn't work out,
406
00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:48,034
maybe we could introduce
your dad to my mom.
407
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:53,213
Radar. Radar,
come on, wake up.
408
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:54,605
What is it, sir? What?
409
00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:56,651
I wanna use your phone
to call San Francisco.
410
00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:58,783
-Oh, for Pete's sake.
-Come on, come on.
411
00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:00,046
Radar, come on.
It's important.
412
00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:01,961
Oh, come on. No, forget it.
413
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:04,093
All right. I'll do it myself.
414
00:16:06,182 --> 00:16:08,010
Just tell me where
to plug this thing in.
415
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,359
Oh! Why can't anybody
416
00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:11,448
ever use this darn phone
during the daytime?
417
00:16:11,492 --> 00:16:13,233
Oh, Radar,
I can't wait that long.
418
00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:14,669
Listen, I owe you one, okay?
419
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:16,236
Oh, oh, oh, boy,
if I had an hour's sleep
420
00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:17,846
for every time somebody
ever said that to me.
421
00:16:17,889 --> 00:16:19,543
Her number
in San Francisco is 555--
422
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:22,546
555-2657. I know.
And I'm hurrying!
423
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:25,810
It must be quarter
to 3:00 in the morning.
424
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:28,378
Sparky? Y--
425
00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:30,772
Sparky, I know
it's quarter to 3:00
in the morning.
426
00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:32,730
You owe him one too,
sir.
427
00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:35,168
Listen, uh, this is
an urgent phone call
428
00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:36,560
to San Francisco.
Right.
429
00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:38,345
There's 25 bucks
in it for you.
430
00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:40,956
-What?
-I didn't think you'd mind.
431
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,133
Okay. Right. Go ahead.
I'll-I'll just stand by.
432
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:45,700
Wh-Wh-What's the problem?
433
00:16:45,743 --> 00:16:47,702
Hey, this is gonna take
a few minutes, you know!
434
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:49,399
There's static
over Honolulu!
435
00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:52,054
Oh, great. It's probably
those electric ukuleles.
436
00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,621
-Hey!
-What?
437
00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:54,578
[teddy bear squeaks]
438
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:00,845
His head isn't on
too good, either!
439
00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:03,631
-[knocking]
-Who is it?
440
00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:06,286
Father Mulcahy. Something
terrible has happened.
441
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:07,330
What?
442
00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:08,549
May I come in?
443
00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:10,725
Get in here.
444
00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,422
I've done a very
foolish thing.
445
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:13,771
You, Father?
446
00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,425
I could have stopped
him, and I didn't.
447
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:17,079
Now he's gone AWOL
behind my back.
448
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,080
Who?
449
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,429
I stopped by
to look in on him,
450
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:20,691
and now he's gone.
451
00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:21,823
-Klinger?
-Yes.
452
00:17:21,866 --> 00:17:22,954
When?
453
00:17:22,998 --> 00:17:24,217
Well,
I was talking to him
454
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:25,696
in the Officers Club
around 11:00,
455
00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:27,263
and now it's about 3:00.
456
00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:30,092
I should say somewhere
between 11:00 and 3:00.
457
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:32,225
Pretty good guess.
Well, let's get on the horn
458
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,835
and try to lasso him.
459
00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:35,576
I'm sorry
to disturb you, sir.
460
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,099
Ah, it's okay.
461
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:40,059
I have to get up
in another six hours anyway.
462
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:41,756
Peggy, I realize it's
embarrassing, honey,
463
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:43,236
but you've got to do it.
464
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:45,238
-What's goin' on here?
-Uh, Colonel, uh,
465
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:47,849
Captain Hunnicutt
has a very serious
family crisis.
466
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:50,156
You took the car
to Ron's Service Station,
467
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:52,680
and he wants $425?
468
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:55,378
Peggy, you only go
there for gas and air,
469
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,250
and sometimes they
charge for the air.
470
00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:58,903
Hunnicutt,
get off that phone.
471
00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:00,775
You let him call
his wife about a car?
472
00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:03,734
Well, Captain Hunnicutt's
a captain, Colonel.
473
00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:05,040
Just a second, Colonel.
474
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,346
Honey, there's a place
in San Rafael
475
00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:07,782
called Gene's Body Works.
476
00:18:07,825 --> 00:18:09,131
Go there. Tell Gene
you're my wife.
477
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:10,393
He's an old friend of mine.
478
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:12,134
We played football
together in high school.
479
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,049
-He'll give you a good price.
-Hunnicutt, right now.
480
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,095
Klinger's gone A-W-O-L.
Every minute counts.
481
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,705
Sweetheart, I gotta
get off the phone.
482
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:20,577
What? Why did I call ya?
483
00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:22,492
-Aw, come on.
-RADAR: Come on.
484
00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:24,407
I-I just wanted to check
485
00:18:24,451 --> 00:18:27,193
and see if you still
need me, Peg.
486
00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:30,805
Well, does she?
487
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,286
That's good to hear,
sweetheart.
488
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,592
Ah, she does.
489
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:37,159
I need you too, darling.
490
00:18:38,291 --> 00:18:39,292
Bye.
491
00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:43,557
Hallelujah.
Is everything all right?
492
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:44,645
Always was.
493
00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:47,865
-Get on the phone.
-Right.
494
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:49,954
Call the M.P.s.
Notify them about Klinger.
495
00:18:49,998 --> 00:18:51,782
Colonel, they could
go rough on him.
496
00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,262
Right.
Tell them to take it easy.
497
00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:55,917
Just bring him back so I
can have a crack at him.
498
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,833
-[knocking]
-Come in, but wipe
your feet first.
499
00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,013
Captain Pierce?
500
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:07,015
That.
501
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:11,237
Captain Pierce,
I'm Captain Pierce.
502
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:12,586
Huh?
503
00:19:12,629 --> 00:19:15,371
Oh, the letter snafu. Ohh.
504
00:19:15,415 --> 00:19:17,025
I was passing through,
505
00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:18,635
and I thought we could
exchange our mail.
506
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,115
It's a pleasure to meet me.
507
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,073
Let me introduce you
to the boys in the band.
508
00:19:22,117 --> 00:19:23,858
B.J. Hunnicutt,
C.E. Winchester.
509
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:25,816
How do you do?
What was the name again?
510
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:28,515
Pierce.
Benjamin Pierce.
511
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:31,300
I, for one,
will never forget.
512
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:33,650
-Here are your letters.
-Oh, thanks.
513
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:34,782
Oh, isn't that nice?
514
00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:36,262
-All unopened.
-Mm-hmm.
515
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:38,046
Pity you can't extend
the same courtesy
516
00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:39,047
to Captain Pierce.
517
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,267
I don't understand.
518
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:42,616
You mean you looked
at my letters?
519
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:43,965
Well, one of them
520
00:19:44,008 --> 00:19:45,793
fell on the ground
and broke open.
521
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:47,229
What do you mean,
broke open?
522
00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:49,710
That was just a little
levity to ease the tension.
523
00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:50,754
[chuckling] You know...
524
00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:52,234
I just--
525
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:53,714
I only read one of them.
526
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:55,237
Uh, which one
was that, Pierce?
527
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,587
The one from Sheila,
Joyce, or Gloria?
528
00:19:57,631 --> 00:19:58,893
Take the fifth, Hawk.
529
00:19:58,936 --> 00:20:00,111
Hey, Captain,
530
00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:01,852
that's not a nice thing to do.
531
00:20:01,896 --> 00:20:04,115
Look, I'm sorry, but up
here a letter, any letter,
532
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:06,335
is as good as gold,
and yours are platinum.
533
00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:08,729
Yes, you're quite a Romeo.
534
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,252
No, no, I'm no Romeo.
535
00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:12,254
You're not? I don't do
that well in my dreams.
536
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,822
I wish they'd stop writing me.
I never answer them.
537
00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:16,302
I tell you what.
I'll write to them.
538
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:17,825
I've always wanted to be
a foreign correspondent.
539
00:20:17,868 --> 00:20:21,220
What do you mean,
a foreign correspondent?
540
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:23,570
Joke. Little joke.
541
00:20:23,613 --> 00:20:25,398
Oh. Yeah.
542
00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,574
Well, I'll take
my letters now.
543
00:20:27,617 --> 00:20:29,271
I guess
I should read them.
544
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,447
[chuckles] He guesses
he should read them.
545
00:20:33,057 --> 00:20:35,930
-Okay.
-Thanks.
546
00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:38,541
Well, nice meeting you.
547
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:41,588
Wait, wait, just a second.
I-I No-No offense, Pierce,
548
00:20:41,631 --> 00:20:43,720
but you don't exactly
look like Clark Gable,
549
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:45,679
and you don't sound
like Ronald Colman,
550
00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:47,289
and you don't move
like Fred Astaire.
551
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,160
-How do you do it?
-Do what?
552
00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:50,945
Get all the girls
to go wild about ya.
553
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,773
Oh, that.
554
00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:55,776
Uh, I guess it's 'cause
I make them laugh.
555
00:20:55,819 --> 00:20:57,299
I beg your pardon?
556
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,475
I make them laugh.
557
00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:02,348
It's my sense of humor.
I'm a very funny guy.
558
00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:07,657
He's a very funny guy.
559
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:09,790
[vehicle approaching]
560
00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:14,403
It's Klinger.
Holy Toledo, it's Klinger.
561
00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:16,492
Colonel! Colonel,
it's Klinger. He's back.
562
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:20,540
Out of my way. Thank God
he's back alive.
I'm gonna kill him.
563
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:23,586
You jackass! What kind
of idiotic stunt was that?
564
00:21:23,630 --> 00:21:25,980
For two cents,
I'd slam you in the hoosegow
565
00:21:26,023 --> 00:21:27,895
-and throw away the key.
-Welcome home, Klinger.
566
00:21:27,938 --> 00:21:30,071
-Joyriding around Korea
in the middle of the night.
567
00:21:30,114 --> 00:21:31,507
Could've gotten
yourself killed!
568
00:21:31,551 --> 00:21:33,335
Now what do you have
to say for yourself?
569
00:21:33,379 --> 00:21:35,206
-Colonel, I gotta tell you--
-I don't want to hear it!
570
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:36,686
The colonel was
worried sick about you.
571
00:21:36,730 --> 00:21:38,906
Not sick, just worried.
572
00:21:38,949 --> 00:21:41,169
Well, come on.
Let's hang up your undies.
573
00:21:41,212 --> 00:21:43,693
-Radar, would you handle--
-I understand, sir.
574
00:21:43,737 --> 00:21:44,825
Thanks.
575
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,786
Family. [clicks tongue]
576
00:21:49,830 --> 00:21:52,833
I was this close, Colonel.
577
00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:55,183
I had my reservations
and everything.
578
00:21:55,226 --> 00:21:56,532
Deluxe accommodations
579
00:21:56,576 --> 00:21:59,274
in the baggage
compartment of a C-47.
580
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,971
I bumped a general's
poodle to get on.
581
00:22:01,015 --> 00:22:02,059
-What stopped you?
-Well,
582
00:22:02,103 --> 00:22:03,365
when I was waiting
for the plane,
583
00:22:03,409 --> 00:22:04,845
I had some time
584
00:22:04,888 --> 00:22:06,368
to really think about
what she had done to me.
585
00:22:06,412 --> 00:22:08,414
She had no right.
Not while I was here.
586
00:22:08,457 --> 00:22:09,632
-Agreed.
-Don't forget,
587
00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:11,242
under all the
feathers and laces
588
00:22:11,286 --> 00:22:13,157
beats the heart
of a real man.
589
00:22:13,201 --> 00:22:14,550
I got my pride,
590
00:22:14,594 --> 00:22:15,812
and if she don't want me,
591
00:22:15,856 --> 00:22:17,118
then I don't want her.
592
00:22:17,161 --> 00:22:18,380
Now you're talkin'.
593
00:22:18,424 --> 00:22:20,164
Let her have Morty.
594
00:22:20,208 --> 00:22:22,079
She'll probably eat
all that free sausage
595
00:22:22,123 --> 00:22:23,298
and blow up
like an elephant.
596
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:24,604
Serves her right.
597
00:22:24,647 --> 00:22:26,388
You deserve a lot better.
598
00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:28,085
Don't I know it.
599
00:22:28,129 --> 00:22:29,913
Besides, this hitch
is bad enough.
600
00:22:29,957 --> 00:22:32,263
I don't want to spend
the next one in jail.
601
00:22:32,307 --> 00:22:34,396
I have scruples, you know.
602
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,006
When I leave the army,
603
00:22:36,050 --> 00:22:38,835
it'll be the honorable way
with a Section 8.
604
00:22:38,879 --> 00:22:41,925
That's it, son. Always go
with your best pitch.
605
00:22:41,969 --> 00:22:44,058
How about letting me
buy you a drink?
606
00:22:44,101 --> 00:22:45,538
Yeah, sure.
607
00:22:45,581 --> 00:22:47,148
They didn't
even have a lounge
608
00:22:47,191 --> 00:22:49,280
at that crummy airport.
You know, Colonel,
609
00:22:49,324 --> 00:22:52,109
there are a lot more women
than there are guys in America.
610
00:22:52,153 --> 00:22:54,285
-True.
-And the women got
most of the money--
611
00:22:54,329 --> 00:22:56,940
-stocks, bonds,
stuff like that.
-Right.
612
00:22:56,984 --> 00:22:59,813
So there's got to be a rich,
beautiful dame out there
613
00:22:59,856 --> 00:23:01,380
for an attractive
lunatic like me.
614
00:23:01,423 --> 00:23:03,382
Hang tough, kid.
615
00:23:03,425 --> 00:23:05,775
You know what I'm in the mood
for? A banana daiquiri.
616
00:23:11,738 --> 00:23:16,438
♪ Take good care of yourself
You belong to me ♪
617
00:23:16,482 --> 00:23:19,485
-Hey, hey!
-All right. To Max Klinger.
618
00:23:19,528 --> 00:23:22,705
-Korea's most
eligible bachelor.
-Hear, hear!
619
00:23:22,749 --> 00:23:24,228
May you find a wife
620
00:23:24,272 --> 00:23:26,143
who dresses
as well as you do.
621
00:23:26,187 --> 00:23:27,710
Oh, okay.
622
00:23:27,754 --> 00:23:30,278
Corporal, my hat
is off to you.
623
00:23:30,321 --> 00:23:33,150
Not to mention
his hair. [Laughing]
624
00:23:33,194 --> 00:23:36,240
What you did takes
daring and courage.
625
00:23:36,284 --> 00:23:37,459
God bless you.
626
00:23:37,503 --> 00:23:39,026
I was going to say that.
627
00:23:39,069 --> 00:23:41,071
Your turn, uh, Radar.
628
00:23:41,115 --> 00:23:42,377
B.J.:
Your turn, Radar.
629
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,814
It's okay, Ma,
throw the bouquet.
630
00:23:44,858 --> 00:23:47,469
[chuckles] It's his
last Shirley Temple
631
00:23:47,513 --> 00:23:49,471
with the three-beer chaser.
632
00:23:49,515 --> 00:23:51,473
Hey! I-I-I-I
wanna make a toast.
633
00:23:51,517 --> 00:23:54,345
[chattering, cheering]
634
00:23:54,389 --> 00:23:58,480
-To MASH 4077 Seven.
-Seven.
635
00:23:58,524 --> 00:24:01,135
I may not have a family
no more in Toledo,
636
00:24:01,178 --> 00:24:02,353
but I sure got one here.
637
00:24:02,397 --> 00:24:05,052
-Hear, hear!
-I love you guys.
638
00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:08,447
[crash]
639
00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:10,318
That's a pretty
rotten way to show it.
640
00:24:10,361 --> 00:24:13,539
♪♪ [theme]
46419
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