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♪♪ [theme]
2
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Cunningham.
3
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,362
Wow. All those
head wounds--
4
00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,581
looks like
they got scalped.
5
00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:01,061
Who's their C.O.,
General Custer?
6
00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:02,279
They're English.
7
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:03,802
That'll be
the Gloucester regiment.
8
00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:05,195
How do you know?
9
00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:07,415
Those are the nutcakes
that never wear helmets.
10
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,721
They're trying to prove
it's mind over shrapnel.
11
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Full blood
and prep him stat.
12
00:01:11,288 --> 00:01:12,376
And this one's next.
13
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:16,989
-Hey, doc.
-Hi.
14
00:01:17,033 --> 00:01:18,121
Remember me?
15
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:19,383
Yeah, sure.
I sat next to you
16
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:20,689
at the Dempsey/Firbo
fight.
17
00:01:20,732 --> 00:01:23,518
You operated on me
about eight months ago.
18
00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:25,389
You're in luck.
The warranty's still good.
19
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:28,566
It's really hurting me, doc.
Can you give me something?
20
00:01:28,610 --> 00:01:30,438
Sure. Ten milligrams
of morphine.
21
00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:31,743
Is that enough?
22
00:01:31,787 --> 00:01:33,049
We want to ease
the pain, soldier,
23
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,485
not put you
into orbit.
24
00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:36,531
I'm hurt bad, ain't I, doc?
25
00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:37,967
-Shh.
-Ain't I, doc?
26
00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:39,882
Please, you're
distracting me.
27
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:41,318
Am I gonna be
all right?
28
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:43,799
I'd rather not commit
myself at this time.
29
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:46,758
Please, do your best.
30
00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:49,761
Oh, soldier, you don't know
how fortunate you are.
31
00:01:49,805 --> 00:01:51,720
Major Winchester was one
of the finest surgeons
32
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,591
-in Boston. -Thank you, Major.
33
00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:55,071
In the states,
you couldn't even afford
34
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,507
to have this man
look at you.
35
00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:58,248
She's absolutely right,
you know.
36
00:01:58,292 --> 00:01:59,597
If this had happened
in Boston,
37
00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:01,164
I would have referred
you to someone else.
38
00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,296
What hands.
39
00:02:02,339 --> 00:02:04,689
If I were on
the operating table,
40
00:02:04,733 --> 00:02:07,083
I wouldn't want anyone
but you to touch me.
41
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,867
Set a place for me,
will you?
42
00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:10,913
How revolting.
43
00:02:10,956 --> 00:02:12,654
I have every reason
to revolt.
44
00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:14,046
I'm sick of this place.
45
00:02:14,090 --> 00:02:15,874
Winchester, is that still
your first patient?
46
00:02:15,918 --> 00:02:17,833
I've done three
since you started.
47
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,835
He's probably
running a check on
the guy's credit.
48
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:22,185
Do you want it good, Colonel,
or do you want it fast?
49
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,318
Good and fast.
This isn't Boston General.
50
00:02:24,361 --> 00:02:26,189
We're a MASH unit.
We do a volume business.
51
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,626
Well, I'm sorry. I was not
trained on an assembly line.
52
00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:30,802
Neither was I.
Nurse, wrench.
53
00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:32,935
Don't be too hard on Charles,
Colonel. This is Wednesday.
54
00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:34,502
He gave up his squash
game to be here.
55
00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:36,025
Thank you, Captain.
56
00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:37,722
I'm sure you'll do
very well after the war
57
00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:39,985
in a nice little
free clinic somewhere.
58
00:02:40,029 --> 00:02:41,291
Goodness,
what a sharp tongue.
59
00:02:41,335 --> 00:02:43,032
He's sliced a lot
of baloney with it.
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00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,338
Will you get off
his back?
61
00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:45,600
Bottle it,
all of you.
62
00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:47,645
Colonel, I've got
to talk to you.
63
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:49,647
What is that smell?
64
00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:51,780
Klinger, did you fall
into the sauerkraut?
65
00:02:51,823 --> 00:02:53,608
I'm wearing Asian musk.
66
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:56,088
It creeps out of the night
to weave its magic spell.
67
00:02:56,132 --> 00:02:57,177
So does a skunk.
68
00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:58,221
You don't like it.
69
00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,310
Stop sulking and speak up.
70
00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:02,921
I got a patella here that
looks like a tennis racquet.
71
00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:04,140
Somebody broke into supply
72
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,055
and cleaned us all
out of penicillin.
73
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:09,014
Ah, damn!
Black marketeers again.
74
00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:11,495
I thought I told you
to change the locks
on the supply room.
75
00:03:11,539 --> 00:03:13,410
I did, and it
stopped them cold.
76
00:03:13,454 --> 00:03:15,195
They had to
break down the door.
77
00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:17,806
Take a jeep, make the rounds.
Try and get us some more.
78
00:03:17,849 --> 00:03:19,895
It's times like these I could
use a travel ensemble.
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00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:21,026
Suction.
80
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,245
Suction! Suction! Now!
81
00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:23,725
Can I do anything,
Hawkeye?
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00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:25,640
Not yet, Father.
He's still got a chance.
83
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:28,599
I'm sorry, Father.
84
00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:30,122
That was a dumb thing
to say.
85
00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:31,776
No, no, I understand.
86
00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:33,691
I know I must seem
like a vulture to you,
87
00:03:33,735 --> 00:03:35,432
waiting for
the unfortunate ones.
88
00:03:35,476 --> 00:03:37,042
I wish I could
be of more help.
89
00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,740
I wish I could too,
Father.
90
00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:40,568
-Look at this guy.
He's full of tea.
-Tea?
91
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,048
You can't tell whether he's
a soldier or a samovar.
92
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:44,267
I don't quite follow.
93
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:46,356
They gave him tea
when he was wounded.
94
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,054
Now it's seeping into
the abdominal cavity.
95
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:51,361
An engraved invitation
to peritonitis.
96
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,624
Oh, my goodness.
Why would they do that?
97
00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:56,148
I don't know.
I'll never understand some
of these English units.
98
00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:58,716
They think a belly wound is
an occasion for high tea.
99
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,023
This guy took cream
and sugar, yet.
100
00:04:01,066 --> 00:04:02,851
As if his wounds
weren't enough.
101
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,331
What can you expect
102
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:06,246
from a country that has
socialized medicine?
103
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:08,378
Only Shakespeare,
crumpets, Vivien Leigh.
104
00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:09,858
Let's not forget penicillin.
105
00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:12,077
How can we?
We don't have any.
106
00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:18,475
It's 102 plus.
107
00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:20,956
That damn tea.
It's peritonitis.
108
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:23,959
Without penicillin,
he's gonna blow the top off
that thermometer by morning.
109
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:28,268
I suppose you'll have to get
a new thermometer. [chuckling]
110
00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:29,617
What's the matter, Pierce?
111
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:30,792
Sorry you didn't think
of it first?
112
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,837
Oh, it's a joke.
113
00:04:32,881 --> 00:04:35,362
You're wasting your time here.
You belong in the Catskills.
114
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:38,147
Hey,
how about a shot, Doc?
115
00:04:38,190 --> 00:04:40,192
This pain
is somethin' awful.
116
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:42,412
Really?
It shouldn't be that bad.
117
00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:44,458
Take it from me, it is.
118
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:47,983
Okay. It's a little early,
119
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,463
but I'll see that you get
another shot.
120
00:04:49,506 --> 00:04:50,855
You're a real pal, Doc.
121
00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:52,335
Roberts. Ten milligrams
of morphine here.
122
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:53,902
Ah. Here you are, lads.
123
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:57,122
All looking quite chipper,
I must say.
124
00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,689
Oh, Major.
125
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:00,822
Well, we'll have you chaps
back on duty in no time.
126
00:05:00,865 --> 00:05:03,303
The doctor says it will be a
couple of weeks for me, sir.
127
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,348
Nonsense. There are plenty
of lads up on the line
128
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,741
that are worse off than you.
129
00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,917
What do you think this is,
a holiday at Brighton?
130
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,049
Half a mo, guv.
Who are you?
131
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:13,661
Major Derek Ross,
Gloucester regiment.
132
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:16,359
You wouldn't be the chap
that told this man
133
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,448
he could lollygag around
here for a fortnight?
134
00:05:18,492 --> 00:05:19,928
That's my prescription--
135
00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:22,060
Plenty of rest and
100 CC's of lollygag.
136
00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:23,932
I don't appreciate
your humor, Doctor.
137
00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,325
What is your rank?
138
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:26,587
Either private or general.
139
00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:28,371
I can never keep
that stuff straight.
140
00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:30,373
Whatever you are,
you obviously plan
141
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:33,028
to keep these men here
much longer than necessary.
142
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:34,769
They all look ready
to go right now.
143
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:35,900
Take another look,
Major.
144
00:05:35,944 --> 00:05:37,380
These men need
time to recuperate.
145
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,382
Nonsense. Look at Michaels
here. Roses on his cheeks.
146
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:40,949
Take him out of here
too soon,
147
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:42,690
he'll have lilies
on his chest.
148
00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:45,606
Is this mollycoddling
standard procedure?
149
00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:46,955
These men aren't
on holiday, you know.
150
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:48,260
They're fighting a war,
151
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:49,436
and they can't
do it on their backs.
152
00:05:49,479 --> 00:05:50,741
Do you believe
this guy?
153
00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:52,047
Like something
out of Gunga Din.
154
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,396
Gentlemen, perhaps
it would be best
155
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,529
if you let me handle this.
156
00:05:55,572 --> 00:05:58,575
Major, the fact is that,
in our best medical opinion,
157
00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:00,098
it would simply be unwise
158
00:06:00,142 --> 00:06:01,752
to release these men
prematurely.
159
00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,580
Have you ever had
the beef Wellington
at the Dorchester?
160
00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:09,107
Now see here, gentlemen,
I'm their commanding officer,
161
00:06:09,151 --> 00:06:11,414
and I will not have
these men lounging about
162
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,416
in this luxury resort.
163
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:14,809
But, Major, they're here
on the American plan.
164
00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:16,811
It won't cost you
a farthing.
165
00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:18,595
I don't mean to be rude,
166
00:06:18,639 --> 00:06:20,989
but I wish you'd mind
your own bloody business.
167
00:06:21,032 --> 00:06:22,469
Well,
I domean to be rude,
168
00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:24,427
so I wish you'd get your
bloody butt out of here.
169
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:26,690
You'll be sorry for that.
170
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:29,693
We've an old saying
in America: Get out.
171
00:06:30,912 --> 00:06:32,609
Very well.
172
00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:34,306
But I'll be back.
173
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:38,920
Gentlemen.
174
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:42,097
I love the English.
175
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:44,055
Wonderful manners.
176
00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:47,407
It's been six months
since my last confession.
177
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:49,365
You sure this is
just between us?
178
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,367
Nobody else
is going to know.
179
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,282
Only the one
who knows everything.
180
00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:54,675
[whispering:]
Colonel Potter?
181
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:56,328
I'm speaking
of the Lord.
182
00:06:56,372 --> 00:06:58,983
Oh. Well, see,
I'm going home,
183
00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:00,245
but before I leave,
184
00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:02,334
I want to get something
off my chest.
185
00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:03,988
Go ahead, my son.
186
00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:05,555
Yeah, well,
187
00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:07,339
I've done some bad
things here, Father--
188
00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:10,342
drinking, fighting,
fraternizing.
189
00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:13,650
Well, there's nothing wrong
with fraternizing,
190
00:07:13,694 --> 00:07:15,435
unless you mean...
191
00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:19,656
Oh... fraternizing.
192
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,049
Well...
193
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:22,442
But there's something
worse, Father.
194
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:25,488
I got in with these guys--
195
00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:27,664
some G.I.'s
and some Koreans.
196
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:28,970
Yes?
197
00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:31,102
The black market, Father.
198
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,756
Medical supplies.
199
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,846
Penicillin, sulfa,
and morphine.
200
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:38,240
Oh, I see.
201
00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:39,720
I didn't like doing it,
202
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:42,070
but there's a big market
for this stuff.
203
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:44,638
Penicillin is like gold,
and the dough is good--
204
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:45,987
a grand a month.
205
00:07:46,030 --> 00:07:48,468
My goodness,
the dough was grand.
206
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:50,426
Now I have
this terrible guilt.
207
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:54,343
Well, I know of several
good charities.
208
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:56,171
Perhaps you might
leave the money here.
209
00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:59,653
Too late. I sent it back
to the states, to my wife.
210
00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:01,350
She put a down payment
on a house.
211
00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:02,656
Won't it trouble you
212
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:04,527
knowing where
the money came from?
213
00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:06,877
Oh, yes. Very much.
That's why I'm here.
214
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:09,227
But hey, I didn't do
the actual stealing.
215
00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:10,881
They just paid me
to stash the stuff.
216
00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:13,405
Stash it? Where?
217
00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:16,931
Under the temple bell at
the burned-out village school.
218
00:08:16,974 --> 00:08:19,281
Oh, I see.
219
00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:22,763
Well, if you want
His forgiveness,
220
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:24,678
you're going to have
to right the wrong.
221
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,767
Oh, I'd love to, but I
got a plane to catch.
222
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,377
I'll work on it
when I get home.
223
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,814
Is there anything else
you wanted to talk about?
224
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:32,250
Let's see...
225
00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:35,558
drinking, fighting,
fraternizing, black market--
226
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:36,820
Nope, that's it.
227
00:08:38,082 --> 00:08:40,476
Go ahead.
228
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,783
Keep sponging him down
and continue I.V.
229
00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:43,958
That's all we can do.
230
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,307
Yes, Doctor.
231
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:46,743
Great war, isn't it?
232
00:08:46,787 --> 00:08:50,573
Snipers, land mines,
artillery, and now thieves.
233
00:08:50,617 --> 00:08:53,271
It's not the war.
It's the neighborhood.
234
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:54,795
You're right.
Why don't you move
to the suburbs?
235
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:56,710
Then you can catch
the 5:15 to O.R.
236
00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,581
How are you doing,
old sport?
237
00:08:58,625 --> 00:08:59,713
Not so good.
238
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,410
I got a lot of pain.
239
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:02,933
I need a shot, doc.
240
00:09:02,977 --> 00:09:05,327
You've had two
in the last eight hours.
241
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:06,807
I can't help it.
242
00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:08,330
The pain's awful.
243
00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:09,592
Shouldn't be that much pain.
244
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,594
All I know is it hurts.
245
00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:13,944
Okay. You need a shot,
you'll get it.
246
00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,380
Thanks, doc.
247
00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:17,252
I really appreciate it.
248
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,270
Comes and goes, huh?
249
00:09:35,313 --> 00:09:36,837
What do you mean?
250
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,447
I mean you were
in agony a minute ago.
251
00:09:38,490 --> 00:09:39,970
As soon as I said
you'd get a shot,
252
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,624
you're happy as a clam.
253
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:44,105
Just knowing I was
getting some relief was--
254
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:47,499
What were you here for
last time, Duncan?
255
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,197
Hip wound.
256
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,938
I took some shrapnel.
257
00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:52,722
Bone wounds
can be painful.
258
00:09:52,766 --> 00:09:54,985
How long were you
on morphine?
259
00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:57,771
A week. Maybe two.
260
00:09:57,814 --> 00:09:59,642
That was while you were here.
How long after you left?
261
00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:03,211
Come on, doc.
262
00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:04,473
You're hooked, Johnson.
263
00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:06,518
You don't need
that shot for pain.
264
00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:08,259
You just need it.
265
00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:09,957
You mean you're not gonna
give me another shot, doc?
266
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,698
I'll give you
everything but.
267
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:13,177
I'll take care of you. I'll
hold your hand if necessary.
268
00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:14,875
But I won't give you
any morphine.
269
00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:17,094
I don't need you
to hold my hand.
270
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:19,444
-I need that shot.
-Nope.
271
00:10:19,488 --> 00:10:20,968
You're not going
to leave here a junkie,
272
00:10:21,011 --> 00:10:22,273
pal, that I promise you.
273
00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:23,797
Oh, Colonel,
274
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,842
was Klinger able
to round up any penicillin?
275
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:28,062
No, he struck out
at the 8063rd.
276
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:30,586
Let's hope he'll do better
at the 80 double nickel--
277
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,849
assuming they like
the smell of sauerkraut.
278
00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:35,765
Uh, Colonel, there's something
I'd like to discuss.
279
00:10:35,809 --> 00:10:37,245
Fire away.
280
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:38,725
Well, I--
281
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,988
I'm afraid I can't
be completely explicit.
282
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,685
Would you like
to give me a hint?
283
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,687
A hint might give it away.
284
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:46,863
Is it animal,
vegetable, or mineral?
285
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,083
Well, it's spiritual mostly.
286
00:10:49,126 --> 00:10:50,780
That narrows it down.
287
00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:52,477
Actually, it's
something of a dilemma.
288
00:10:52,521 --> 00:10:53,870
Well, what's the dilemma?
289
00:10:53,914 --> 00:10:55,611
I'm afraid I can't--
290
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,873
Can't tell me that.
Uh-huh.
291
00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:58,788
Look, Father,
I'm kind of busy.
292
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:01,095
I'm trying to rustle up
some penicillin.
293
00:11:01,138 --> 00:11:02,313
Exactly, exactly.
294
00:11:02,357 --> 00:11:03,793
Exactly what?
295
00:11:03,837 --> 00:11:05,621
Maybe I'd better
be more specific.
296
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,753
Hallelujah.
297
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,929
After all,
I have a responsibility
298
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:10,408
to my fellow man.
299
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:11,975
On the other hand,
300
00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:13,760
we have the confidentiality
of the confessional,
301
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,152
which is absolute.
302
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:16,545
Absolutely.
303
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:18,721
No matter what I do,
I fear I'll be wrong.
304
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:22,464
You're right, Father,
this is a dilemma,
for the both of us.
305
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:24,379
No, this is
my own problem,
306
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:26,686
something I should
work out myself.
307
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:27,730
Whatever you say.
308
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,732
Yes.
309
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:33,562
Well, thank you very much
for the chat, Colonel.
310
00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:36,217
Not at all. You'll have
to stop by sometime
311
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:37,958
and tell me what
we chatted about.
312
00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:45,835
Father, has the Colonel
had any luck finding us
some penicillin?
313
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,315
I'm afraid not.
314
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:48,751
If we don't get some soon,
315
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,710
you better brush up
on your graveside manner.
316
00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:58,805
Klinger, have any luck?
317
00:11:58,848 --> 00:12:00,023
Nah, nothing.
318
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:02,722
I should have worn
something backless.
319
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:05,855
Klinger, I know
where we may be able
320
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,204
to find some penicillin.
321
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:08,771
Oh, yeah? Where?
322
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,991
Well, I can't
tell you that.
323
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:12,253
Then how are we
gonna get there?
324
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:13,602
Oh, yes.
325
00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,299
Well, I better drive.
326
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:16,997
Then what do you
need me for?
327
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,260
I can't
divulge that, either.
328
00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:20,696
Okay.
329
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,654
I've been
on blind dates before.
330
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:39,323
MULCAHY: I think
I should warn you,
Klinger--
331
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,021
what we're doing
could be dangerous.
332
00:12:41,064 --> 00:12:43,458
Father, we're only doing
30 miles an hour.
333
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:46,200
No. I mean we're dealing
with the black market.
334
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:49,246
There's a possibility
we can run into
some shady characters.
335
00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:50,900
Hey, I'm from Toledo.
336
00:12:50,944 --> 00:12:53,163
Half my mail
comes from death row.
337
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:54,861
Shady characters.
338
00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:58,125
There's the schoolhouse,
Klinger.
339
00:12:58,168 --> 00:12:59,430
Nice location.
340
00:12:59,474 --> 00:13:00,910
Why does everything
in Korea
341
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:02,433
look like it
was built deserted?
342
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:03,913
Before we go in,
Klinger,
343
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:05,872
I want to thank you
for coming along.
344
00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:08,222
If you got to say that,
I'm sorry I came.
345
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:15,185
There must be a lot
of happy Korean kids
346
00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:16,273
around here, Father.
347
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:17,492
Why?
348
00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:18,928
The schoolhouse burned down.
349
00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:20,538
I used to dream
about that in Toledo.
350
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:21,757
Klinger!
351
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,411
I never really did
anything about it.
352
00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:24,847
I meant quiet.
353
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:27,371
You can't tell
who might be around.
354
00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:30,331
It's deserted--
like summer vacation.
355
00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:32,681
Ah, look.
356
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,596
There it is.
357
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,819
If we're in luck, there
may be drugs under here.
358
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,691
This is the first time
I ever broke into a bell.
359
00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:44,867
Come on, we'll lean it back,
and pray.
360
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,564
I'm with you, Father.
361
00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:47,827
[groaning]
362
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:48,871
Oh, it's heavy.
363
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,439
Shh! We must be very quiet.
364
00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:52,788
[bell tolls]
365
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:53,876
Watch it, Klinger!
366
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,008
I'm sorry.
367
00:13:55,051 --> 00:13:56,879
Can you hold it like that?
368
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,054
I'll try.
369
00:13:58,098 --> 00:14:00,056
I got something.
370
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,884
Me too--a hernia.
371
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:03,581
"Penicillin 4077th."
372
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:04,887
This is our stuff.
373
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,802
We're stealing
our own drugs?
374
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,630
But this isn't stealing-- it's
redemption.
375
00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:09,805
-[gunshot]
-[bell clangs]
376
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,459
Oh, my goodness!
Was that a shot?
377
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:13,026
Your shady characters
just rang our bell.
378
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:14,810
It means class dismissed!
Let's get out of here!
379
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:15,898
Come on!
380
00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:19,380
What's the matter?
Let's go.
381
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:20,860
I'm caught.
382
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:23,775
Well, we've got to get
out of here. Rip it.
383
00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:24,820
Are you crazy?
384
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:25,865
This is my best skirt.
385
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:26,996
[gunshots]
386
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,520
Hurry up, Klinger!
Hurry up! Come on!
387
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:30,782
That was an original.
388
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,001
Now they'll make copies,
389
00:14:32,045 --> 00:14:33,655
and you'll see it
all over Korea.
390
00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:35,352
-[gunshots]
-Drive, Father!
391
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:40,923
Get down! Get down!
392
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:42,620
Throw it into fourth,
Father!
393
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,492
Onward,
Christian soldiers!
394
00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:53,893
How does that feel?
395
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:55,068
I can't take it anymore, doc.
396
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:57,548
Please, half a shot?
397
00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:58,767
Hang on, Johnson.
398
00:14:58,810 --> 00:14:59,899
Hang on.
You're winning.
399
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,771
Winning?
You call this winning?
400
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,687
Oh, you doctors are great.
401
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:09,038
First you get me hooked,
and then you say "No more."
402
00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:10,953
Nobody planned it
this way, pal,
403
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:12,912
but right now
you got no other choice.
404
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:15,610
A few more hours-- you can own
your life again.
405
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:17,133
It isn't worth it.
406
00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:19,266
Give me a shot
or let me die.
407
00:15:19,309 --> 00:15:21,572
You're not going to die.
408
00:15:23,705 --> 00:15:24,967
He's very inventive,
but he's a little--
409
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:27,100
a little structure
conscious for me.
410
00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:28,884
In my humble opinion,
411
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,843
the greatest work in the
whole operatic literature
412
00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:34,629
is Wagner's
Der Ring des Nibelungen.
413
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,936
I think I saw it,
with Ethel Merman.
414
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,896
That... must have
been interesting.
415
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,726
Tell me, Major,
how do you cope
416
00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:46,336
with the cultural
famine around here?
417
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,425
-Well, I have my work.
-Oh, of course.
418
00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:50,906
And I do my nails.
And, of course, there's my yoga.
419
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,691
I love yoga.
420
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:56,303
-Whoops.
-Oh. Here. Ah, careful.
421
00:15:56,346 --> 00:15:57,782
-What are you doing?
-I'm sorry.
422
00:15:57,826 --> 00:15:59,262
My sleeve is caught
in your cluster here.
423
00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:00,829
Well, get it uncaught.
424
00:16:00,872 --> 00:16:02,570
Well, I will if you'll
hold still, Major.
425
00:16:02,613 --> 00:16:04,180
Well, hurry up.
426
00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:05,529
These animals
would just love
427
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:07,792
to get a photo like this
to send to Donald.
428
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:10,491
Major, this could
hardly be described
as a passionate embrace.
429
00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:12,667
-It's not an embrace!
-[jeep approaching]
430
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:14,277
I believe
that's what I said.
431
00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:16,540
-Just get-- Aah!
-[brakes squeal]
432
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:18,151
Here it is, folks!
433
00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:20,370
Penicillin! Penicillin!
434
00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:22,068
Father, where on earth
did you find it?
435
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:23,852
Well, it was all
very exciting.
436
00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:27,029
There's this burned-out
schoolhouse by the village.
437
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,596
It must have been quite
charming in its day.
438
00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:29,684
We heisted a bell.
439
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:31,425
Klinger,
where's your skirt?
440
00:16:31,468 --> 00:16:32,600
Missing in action.
441
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:34,906
Go cover yourself,
you hairy fool.
442
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:37,039
I am covered, Major--
covered with glory!
443
00:16:38,519 --> 00:16:41,478
All right, nurses,
come and get it.
444
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:43,785
Penicillin-- Start
dishing it out pronto.
445
00:16:43,828 --> 00:16:45,178
One to a customer.
446
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:46,570
This round's
on the Father and me.
447
00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:48,311
B.J.:
How did you get it?
448
00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,661
Through the greatest act of
bravery since Audie Murphy.
449
00:16:50,705 --> 00:16:51,836
Or Father Duffy.
450
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,142
I'll read the book.
451
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:55,057
Baker, keep an eye
on Johnson.
452
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:56,667
He should be calm
for a while.
453
00:16:56,711 --> 00:16:58,495
Keep on the I.V.
Call me if there's trouble.
454
00:16:58,539 --> 00:17:00,280
-I'm gonna get some sleep.
-Yes, doctor.
455
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:02,934
Colonel, if you'll
be good enough
456
00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:03,979
to sign this bill, sir.
457
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,460
Bill for what?
$12.00?
458
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:08,592
One skirt-- a Klinger original.
459
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:11,030
A casualty of my
death-defying mission, sir.
460
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,335
I'll get you
the material.
461
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:13,684
The rest is up to you.
462
00:17:13,728 --> 00:17:15,034
Sold.
463
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:16,687
Let me tell you
how I got that stuff.
464
00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:18,341
Well, Padre, you
certainly saved the day.
465
00:17:18,385 --> 00:17:20,169
Why, thank you, Colonel.
466
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:23,346
There's nothing quite like
putting one's spiritual values
467
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:24,826
into action, is there?
468
00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:26,393
Can I assume
your little escapade
469
00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:27,829
had something to do
470
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:29,874
with what we
weren't talking about?
471
00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:32,834
Oh, dear, I must
have divulged too much.
472
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:38,057
Well, you slugabeds,
still on holiday?
473
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,275
Can I help you sir?
474
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:40,885
Good heavens,
what are you?
475
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,713
Just a simple
Lebanese psycho.
476
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:44,106
You always look like that?
477
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,890
Absolutely not.
This is disgraceful.
478
00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:47,283
I usually wear a dress.
479
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:48,545
What can I do for you?
480
00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:50,286
I'd like to be alone
with my men.
481
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:52,114
Of course. I'll go slip into
something more comfortable.
482
00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,858
That was probably
the commanding officer.
483
00:17:58,512 --> 00:17:59,513
KLINGER:
Captain?
484
00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,558
Captain Pierce? Captain?
485
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:02,777
Hey.
486
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:03,995
What is it, honey?
487
00:18:04,039 --> 00:18:05,562
Come on.
You got to get up.
488
00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:07,738
-Who are you?
-There's trouble in post-op.
489
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:09,479
That English officer's back.
490
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:11,133
He's probably
going to quick-march
his guys out of here.
491
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:12,787
Over my already dead body.
492
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:15,355
Hand me my pants,
and take a pair for yourself.
493
00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:18,097
Hey, Beej,
Colonel Blimp is back.
494
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:19,576
You want to come
for the deflating?
495
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:21,056
[mumbling]
496
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,145
How do you like that guy?
He only works 19 hours,
497
00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:25,016
and all he can think
about is sleep.
498
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:28,324
Come on, Klinger, it's Lexington
and Concord all over again.
499
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:34,069
"And now the bloke has taken
a real fancy to your sister.
500
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,288
"It wouldn't surprise me
501
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,551
if he popped the question
before long."
502
00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:38,900
-Ooh!
-Ha ha ha.
503
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,554
I thought the family
had given up, Billy.
504
00:18:40,597 --> 00:18:42,991
Where there's a little dowry,
there's a way.
505
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:44,471
Go on. Read your
letter, Billy.
506
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:46,516
I'm on the edge
of me pillow.
507
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,215
"Percy's been out with her
three times this week.
508
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:50,564
"Once for a walk
on the heath,
509
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:53,132
"again for a toddy
at the Bull n' Bush,
510
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:55,873
and today they went
to the Royal Albert Hall."
511
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:58,659
Taking a roundabout way
to get to his flat, isn't he?
512
00:18:58,702 --> 00:19:00,182
What is it this time, Major?
513
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:01,923
Going to put the men
through a few calisthenics
514
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:03,664
to see if their sutures hold?
515
00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,405
Doctor, would you please
spare us your diatribe
516
00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:06,928
until we're
finished here?
517
00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:08,234
Uh, off you go,
Michaels.
518
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:10,540
Read your letter
from home.
519
00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:12,194
Off you go,
Michaels.
520
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:13,456
Right, sir.
521
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,806
"The baby's eating
solid food now.
522
00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:18,157
"I was holding her
at the breakfast table,
523
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,332
"having some sausage.
524
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:21,029
"I turned my back,
525
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,726
and the little tiger
ate half of Mum's banger."
526
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,206
What's going on?
527
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,947
Quiet. I'm confused.
528
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:29,907
Hey, lads, Arsenal defeated
Majesty United, 2-0.
529
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,692
They're going
to take the cup.
530
00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:33,215
You're barmy, mate.
531
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:35,043
It's Queen's Park Rangers
all the way.
532
00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:36,436
Oh, get away.
533
00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:37,959
They've got
a lovely chance.
534
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:38,960
Get away.
535
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,788
You care
to step outside?
536
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,572
If I'm not back
in five minutes,
537
00:19:42,616 --> 00:19:44,270
call a bobby
and a cut man.
538
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:45,488
Carry on, chaps.
539
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:48,361
[men laughing]
540
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,101
You were saying?
541
00:19:50,145 --> 00:19:51,973
First of all,
who are you?
542
00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:53,366
I beg your pardon?
543
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,019
You're obviously
not the same martinet
544
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:56,369
who came here before.
545
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,414
Whatever do you mean?
546
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,416
Today you're
all peaches and cream.
547
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,462
Last time, there were more
casualties when you left
548
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,115
than when you came in.
549
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:06,248
Young man, you've missed
the whole point.
550
00:20:06,292 --> 00:20:07,989
Don't you understand?
When I was here before,
551
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:10,774
the men were hoping I'd
behave exactly as I did.
552
00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:12,733
Uh, once more in English?
553
00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:15,649
Only a madman would lash out
at a wounded soldier
554
00:20:15,692 --> 00:20:16,867
without reason,
555
00:20:16,911 --> 00:20:18,695
so if I come in here
breathing fire,
556
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:21,307
they realize they're
going to be all right.
557
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,091
You may think it
rather callous,
558
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:25,441
but, as you can see,
they've responded to it.
559
00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:26,790
Oh, yes, of course--
560
00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:29,663
the Marquis de Sade school
of bedside manner.
561
00:20:29,706 --> 00:20:32,318
Doctor, my men know
I wouldn't shout at them
562
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:34,450
unless I expected them
to get well.
563
00:20:34,494 --> 00:20:36,496
They believe it
because I believe it.
564
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,541
So your last visit
was just an act.
565
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:40,456
An act of kindness.
There are times
566
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:42,676
when it's better to slap
a hand than hold it.
567
00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,025
The story of my love life.
568
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:45,766
Ah, yes. Small wonder.
569
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,116
you know, you Americans
would be well-advised
570
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:50,640
to learn a little
from British tradition.
571
00:20:50,684 --> 00:20:52,642
After all, the Charge
of the Light Brigade
572
00:20:52,686 --> 00:20:55,471
was as much a matter
of morale as bravery.
573
00:20:55,515 --> 00:20:56,907
Jolly good, Major,
574
00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:59,475
but not all your traditions
work out so well.
575
00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:01,347
For instance?
576
00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:03,436
For instance,
giving your lads tea
577
00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:05,307
when they've been hit
in the belly.
578
00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:08,310
That leads to another
tradition-- peritonitis.
579
00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:09,964
You're sure about that?
580
00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:11,270
Quite.
581
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:13,663
That does make
a bit of sense.
582
00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:15,796
I'll take it up
to higher authorities,
583
00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:18,015
but I don't know.
584
00:21:18,059 --> 00:21:20,017
If it was anything
but tea...
585
00:21:20,061 --> 00:21:22,455
SOLDIER: Major, we're waiting
to hear your letter now.
586
00:21:22,498 --> 00:21:24,283
Would you care to join us?
Ripping good stuff.
587
00:21:24,326 --> 00:21:25,762
No, thanks.
I got to get some sleep.
588
00:21:25,806 --> 00:21:27,198
If I don't get
15 minutes a night,
589
00:21:27,242 --> 00:21:28,591
I'm cranky
the whole next day.
590
00:21:28,635 --> 00:21:30,680
Doctor, I, uh,
591
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:33,901
I appreciate how much
you care about my men.
592
00:21:33,944 --> 00:21:35,946
Almost as much as you do.
593
00:21:35,990 --> 00:21:38,688
We each have our
different way, don't we?
594
00:21:38,732 --> 00:21:41,430
Well, you go your way,
and I'll go mine.
595
00:21:52,223 --> 00:21:53,616
Ah, tastes good.
596
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:56,053
Doc, I'm sorry I gave you
such a rough time.
597
00:21:56,097 --> 00:21:57,316
It's all right.
598
00:21:57,359 --> 00:21:58,969
The time I gave you
was rougher.
599
00:21:59,013 --> 00:22:00,536
Is orange juice
habit-forming?
600
00:22:00,580 --> 00:22:01,885
I hope so.
601
00:22:01,929 --> 00:22:03,147
Hey, thanks again.
602
00:22:03,191 --> 00:22:05,759
My pleasure.
603
00:22:05,802 --> 00:22:07,717
HAWKEYE: This one's
from my aunt Eloise.
604
00:22:07,761 --> 00:22:09,893
"Dear Benjamin, guess what.
605
00:22:09,937 --> 00:22:11,634
"Freddy Simpson
sold the pharmacy
606
00:22:11,678 --> 00:22:13,636
"to a couple
from Montpelier,
607
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,377
"and the chocolate phosphates
haven't been the same since.
608
00:22:15,421 --> 00:22:17,553
"I think they put in
too much syrup.
609
00:22:17,597 --> 00:22:19,076
"Martha doesn't agree with me,
610
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:20,556
"but you know what
a sweet tooth she has.
611
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,558
"The upshot is
we're no longer speaking.
612
00:22:22,602 --> 00:22:24,125
"Grandma Bates says
613
00:22:24,168 --> 00:22:26,083
"her varicose veins
have been acting up again.
614
00:22:26,127 --> 00:22:27,824
"Old Doc Snyder,
who also agrees with me
615
00:22:27,868 --> 00:22:29,478
"that there's too much
syrup in the phosphates,
616
00:22:29,522 --> 00:22:31,480
"says it's just that her
girdle is too tight.
617
00:22:31,524 --> 00:22:33,090
"He may be right.
618
00:22:33,134 --> 00:22:34,744
"She's always bought them
a size too small.
619
00:22:34,788 --> 00:22:36,398
"I don't know how many
times I've told her.
620
00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:38,052
That's why she walks
to the left."
621
00:22:38,095 --> 00:22:39,401
Beej, what are you doing?
622
00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:41,098
I'm a hit.
They love me in there.
623
00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:55,069
♪♪ [theme]
44670
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