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♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:55,229 --> 00:00:57,709
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all
weary members of the 4077th.
3
00:00:57,753 --> 00:00:59,842
Eighth Army Headquarters
wishes to commend us
4
00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:02,540
for our tireless efforts
during the last three days.
5
00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:05,674
However, all requests
for overtime are denied.
6
00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:07,415
You remember
when we were interns
7
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,330
and there were still only
24 hours in the day?
8
00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:10,722
I can't even remember
yesterday.
9
00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:12,681
That's because
it is yesterday.
10
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,987
It won't be today until I get
a night's sleep in between.
11
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:18,513
[grunts]
12
00:01:25,302 --> 00:01:28,131
Am I sinking to my knees,
or are you rising in the air?
13
00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:30,133
Best thing for a tired body.
You oughta try it.
14
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:32,004
I tried. I couldn't
pass the bar.
15
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,442
You go to sleep tired,
16
00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:36,400
you wake up tired.
This gives you energy.
17
00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:38,881
I got a fifth of energy
waiting for me in the Swamp.
18
00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:40,274
If you'll unhook
your chin from that pipe,
19
00:01:40,317 --> 00:01:42,841
-you can lead me there.
-[exhale] Couple more.
20
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Whew. What an ordeal.
21
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72 hours straight.
22
00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:50,632
I'm prayed out.
23
00:01:50,675 --> 00:01:53,156
Absolutely prayed out.
24
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,464
Don't forget, Father, God
was on six days straight.
25
00:01:56,507 --> 00:01:58,857
He was a lot younger then.
26
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:01,643
Well, sweet dreams.
27
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:07,518
That old chaplain
looked like a young boy
just a few days ago.
28
00:02:07,562 --> 00:02:08,780
What about us?
29
00:02:08,824 --> 00:02:10,217
[chuckle]
30
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,870
You look like
the High Lama of Shangri-La.
31
00:02:11,914 --> 00:02:15,744
You look like an 8-by-10
picture of Dorian Gray.
32
00:02:15,787 --> 00:02:18,747
I'm gonna get my new bar
of soap, take a long shower,
33
00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:20,749
and sleep, sleep, sleep.
34
00:02:20,792 --> 00:02:22,968
-You really know how to live.
-You?
35
00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:25,667
I plan to take
a long bubble bath,
36
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:27,843
preferably with a nurse
who has her own car
37
00:02:27,886 --> 00:02:29,323
and doesn't live
with her folks.
38
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:30,759
Sorry, sir,
all we have to offer
39
00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:32,500
is cold rainwater
in a 50-gallon drum.
40
00:02:32,543 --> 00:02:33,675
Sold.
41
00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:35,067
♪♪ [French horn played badly]
42
00:02:35,111 --> 00:02:36,634
Aww!
43
00:02:36,678 --> 00:02:39,811
Little Boy Blue Blood
is starting on his horn again.
44
00:02:39,855 --> 00:02:41,813
Ah, music to my rear.
45
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:43,598
How can he do that to us
in our condition?
46
00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:44,860
No respect for the dead.
47
00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:46,818
♪♪ [off-key]
48
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From the fashionable Swamp Room
high above midtown Ouijongbu
49
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,737
come the sadistic sounds
50
00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:56,393
of Doc Winchester
and his all-moose orchestra
51
00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:59,701
who ask the musical
question "Why us?"
52
00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:01,093
Cut!
53
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:02,965
Take five, Pops!
54
00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:05,054
I don't think he can hear us!
55
00:03:05,097 --> 00:03:07,796
I think you're right.
Easily fixed.
56
00:03:07,839 --> 00:03:12,061
Put down that horn.
We have your head surrounded.
57
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:16,239
Gentlemen, I've just finished
an arduous session of work,
58
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:18,546
and now it is time to play.
59
00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:20,548
Why don't you play something
a little less harmful,
60
00:03:20,591 --> 00:03:21,636
like a bazooka?
61
00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:22,985
[grunting]
62
00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:24,247
What do you think?
63
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:25,857
Disgusting!
64
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:27,424
♪♪
65
00:03:31,385 --> 00:03:33,952
Remove that sock.
66
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,345
Oh, okay.
67
00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:40,307
We're about to hear
Pierce's Unwashed Symphony.
68
00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:41,786
Remove them.
69
00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:43,962
What, me touch
something that filthy?
70
00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:45,312
I'm a surgeon.
71
00:03:45,355 --> 00:03:46,965
You are pushing me
toward violence.
72
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:49,272
Go ahead! Beat me to death!
Just don't play that thing!
73
00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:52,319
I will play that thing
whenever I feel like it!
74
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:54,538
That thing may be
the only thing
75
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,236
that keeps me from going mad
76
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:59,108
in this cultural
Death Valley.
77
00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:01,284
Let's hit the showers
before we hit him.
78
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:04,244
Hear, hear! It's about time
the two of you bathed.
79
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:05,941
Oh! Do we offend you?
80
00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:07,595
Constantly.
81
00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:09,597
He finds our offensiveness
offensive.
82
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,816
Your odor is taking the curl
out of my horn.
83
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:14,689
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
84
00:04:14,732 --> 00:04:16,038
If you're thinking
what I'm thinking.
85
00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:17,605
Are you thinking
of stinking?
86
00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:19,389
Make you a deal, Winchester.
87
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:21,913
You knock off the horn,
we shower.
88
00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:23,480
And if I refuse?
89
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:26,309
The more you blow,
the worse we'll grow.
90
00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:27,919
Haven't you children
learned yet
91
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,486
that you can't intimidate me?
92
00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:30,835
Oh, yeah?
93
00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:32,359
Wait till we age
a couple of days.
94
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:33,838
We'll curl your nose.
95
00:04:33,882 --> 00:04:35,666
Reek away, gentlemen.
96
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:39,061
I will play this thing as long
as there is music in my soul
97
00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:40,236
and breath in my body.
98
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,238
Morning, sirs.
99
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,631
For your dining pleasure,
100
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:47,504
we have London broil,
abalone almandine,
101
00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:50,942
and a taste bud tantalizer--
potatoes au gratin.
102
00:04:50,986 --> 00:04:53,205
All right, nostrils.
What've you really got?
103
00:04:53,249 --> 00:04:55,207
-Powdered eggs.
-We had powdered eggs
yesterday.
104
00:04:55,251 --> 00:04:56,557
They're leftovers.
105
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,820
Hit me with the crepes,
garçon.
106
00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:00,125
They're lighter today.
107
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:01,475
I can hold them up
with one arm.
108
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:03,825
These manhole covers
aren't bad.
109
00:05:03,868 --> 00:05:06,131
I may go back for
seconds, God willing.
110
00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:07,394
Even the coffee's good.
111
00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:08,873
I wonder what they
left out of it.
112
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:11,136
Mmm. Here's a cozy
booth for nine.
113
00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,442
May we join you
breakfast clubbers?
114
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Sure. Park 'em.
115
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:14,879
You fellas will be surprised.
116
00:05:14,923 --> 00:05:16,490
The food's rather good today.
117
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,013
Shows what a little
faith can do.
118
00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:20,537
B.J.:
Mmm! Edible.
119
00:05:20,581 --> 00:05:23,105
Did the wind just
suddenly shift?
120
00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:26,151
Seems to be coming
from the stable.
121
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:27,544
Don't blame my horse.
122
00:05:27,588 --> 00:05:30,025
I just washed her down
this morning.
123
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:33,768
Funny. This was
good a minute ago.
124
00:05:33,811 --> 00:05:35,552
Excuse my
boardinghouse reach.
125
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:37,380
[groans]
126
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:40,252
I guess you boys haven't had
a chance to shower yet.
127
00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:42,777
Oh, yeah. We had
the chance. Syrup?
128
00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:44,996
We didn't shower anyway.
Thanks.
129
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,609
I see. Any special reason,
like it's National Pig Week?
130
00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:49,871
Nope.
131
00:05:49,914 --> 00:05:52,439
You know, in one way,
you outrank me.
132
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:55,093
But not where it counts.
Answer up.
133
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:56,660
It's a dirtiness strike.
134
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,793
When our bunkie gives up
his new horn,
135
00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:00,272
we'll give up
our old dirt.
136
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:01,752
That's disgusting!
137
00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:02,840
That's the idea.
138
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:03,928
Excuse me, Colonel.
139
00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:05,756
I've lost my appetite.
140
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,845
I'm going to the garbage dump
for a breath of fresh air.
141
00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:09,369
Oh, you'll love it.
142
00:06:09,412 --> 00:06:11,675
The bluebottle flies are
gorgeous this time of year.
143
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:15,375
♪♪ [French horn, off-key]
144
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:17,551
There, you hear that?
And that's from the balcony.
145
00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,117
How'd you like to live
in the front row?
146
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:22,251
Just make sure the three
of you work this out fast.
147
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:23,426
Colonel, by tomorrow,
148
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:24,775
his nose will be
running for cover.
149
00:06:24,819 --> 00:06:26,821
No offense intended,
150
00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:30,085
but I'd be happy to burn
some incense around you.
151
00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:32,957
Thanks, Father. Just a prayer
for peace and quiet.
152
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:35,656
Attention. Attention,
all personnel.
153
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Incoming wounded.
154
00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:39,790
All surgical teams
to O.R. on the double.
155
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:41,270
So much for breakfast.
156
00:06:41,313 --> 00:06:43,185
Not again. Yes, again!
157
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:46,057
Nothing like a good day's work
to top off a good night's work.
158
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:48,146
Let's go. Hold it!
159
00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:51,323
You two stay behind me.
160
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:52,977
What are you doing
tonight?
161
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,414
Writing home.
162
00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:56,546
Suppose I gave you
something to write about?
163
00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:58,069
You wouldn't
like the way it ends.
164
00:06:58,113 --> 00:06:59,723
Come on. Give me a chance.
165
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,943
I'm fun, ruggedly handsome,
and have my own typewriter.
166
00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:04,249
You're a bit aromatic, sir.
167
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:07,688
Oh, yeah.
I'm a hopeless aromatic.
168
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:10,908
No. I mean,
you really stink, sir.
169
00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:12,562
In a few days
you'll get used to it.
170
00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:13,824
I'm not that flexible.
171
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,130
Look, I tell you what.
172
00:07:15,173 --> 00:07:16,871
Don't bathe for three days.
173
00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:18,176
Let your bacteria have a ball.
174
00:07:18,220 --> 00:07:19,743
Then we'll
cancel each other out.
175
00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:22,659
Well, I'm canceling you
out right now.
176
00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:25,662
There she goes with her nose in
the air. Snob.
177
00:07:25,706 --> 00:07:27,185
POTTER: Wish I could've
done more here.
178
00:07:27,229 --> 00:07:28,839
MARGARET: Nothing more
you could do, Colonel.
179
00:07:28,883 --> 00:07:30,972
It's kind of primitive,
but it'll hold him
180
00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:33,453
till the boys in Tokyo
can rebuild his cheek.
181
00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:35,933
He'll need a lot more
than physical attention.
182
00:07:35,977 --> 00:07:37,457
I'm afraid
that kind of wound
183
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,154
goes a lot deeper
than the skin.
184
00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:41,112
What's worse, the enemy
didn't do it. He did.
185
00:07:41,156 --> 00:07:42,723
Not self-inflicted?
186
00:07:42,766 --> 00:07:44,333
No, no.
His rifle backfired.
187
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,552
The bolt caught him
in the face.
188
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,467
Oh, how unfortunate.
189
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:50,165
-Yeah. Klinger!
-Sir!
190
00:07:50,208 --> 00:07:51,427
Post-op, and handle
him carefully.
191
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,820
Yes, sir. Donahue!
192
00:07:52,863 --> 00:07:54,474
No, never mind.
I'd like to do it.
193
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:56,345
Gee, you're
a nice guy, Father.
194
00:07:56,388 --> 00:08:00,175
Well, I'm a priest.
We specialize in nice.
195
00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:03,874
Ready to close, 3.0 silk.
196
00:08:03,918 --> 00:08:06,660
And a clamp
for my nose, please.
197
00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:08,618
The odor in here
is overwhelming,
198
00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:09,967
thanks to my two
rancid colleagues
199
00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:11,186
who shall remain nameless.
200
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:12,927
Could he mean us,
Dr. Nameless?
201
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:14,537
I believe he does,
my rancid colleague.
202
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,886
With your permission,
Colonel,
203
00:08:15,930 --> 00:08:17,671
I'd like to drop
a little hint.
204
00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:19,455
Captains
Pierce and Hunnicutt,
205
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,544
take a shower,
you dirty stinkers!
206
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,111
I take umbrage at that.
207
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:25,330
I used to take umbrage, but it
gave me morning sickness.
208
00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:26,636
Listen, you swamp rats.
209
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,159
Enough is enough.
Bathe, will ya?
210
00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:30,118
-Yeah.
-Hear, hear.
211
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:32,555
Finally, a mandate
from the people.
212
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:33,948
Look who's talking!
213
00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:35,384
None of this would
have happened
214
00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:37,517
if it weren't for
your sawed-off tuba.
215
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,649
Really, Margaret.
It's a French horn.
216
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:42,173
Blow it out your
Champs-Elysees, Pierre!
217
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:43,348
That's telling him, Margaret.
218
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,612
-You shut up!
-Look, Winchester,
219
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:47,875
there's a nice canyon
about a mile up the road.
220
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:50,094
You can blow that horn
till you're blue in the face.
221
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:52,096
The enemy would shoot at me.
222
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:53,533
I think we're getting
through to him.
223
00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:57,580
Good news, everybody!
No more wounded.
224
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:58,625
Thank heaven.
225
00:08:58,668 --> 00:09:01,236
And the manager thereof.
226
00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:02,977
How about this, then?
227
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:04,761
You and I go out
on Main Street,
228
00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:06,284
stand back to back,
229
00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:08,417
take 10 paces, turn,
and talk dirty.
230
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:09,505
No.
231
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:14,684
98.6. Sorry, fella,
but you're normal.
232
00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:17,078
You've just won a 60-day
tour of the front.
233
00:09:23,606 --> 00:09:24,607
All right.
234
00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:29,394
Well, how do you feel,
Saunders?
235
00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,135
How would you feel?
236
00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:33,529
I understand you've been
giving your nurse a bad time.
237
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:34,965
You've gotta let her
change the dressing.
238
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:37,011
I was doing her a favor.
239
00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,795
I don't want her
looking at me.
240
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,318
I don't want anyone
looking at me.
241
00:09:40,362 --> 00:09:43,583
You're alive, son.
You'll be going home soon.
242
00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:46,194
Home.
243
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:48,065
I don't want to go home.
244
00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:50,024
Everybody just be
staring at me
245
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,026
or worse, lookin' away.
246
00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:53,505
No one's gonna do that.
247
00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:57,292
They all will,
especially Linda.
248
00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:58,641
Your wife?
249
00:09:58,685 --> 00:10:00,034
My girl.
250
00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:03,385
I've been looking
at her all day.
251
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,257
Pretty.
252
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:09,217
She's beautiful.
253
00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:13,264
We were gonna get married,
254
00:10:13,308 --> 00:10:15,876
but one look at this face
and forget it.
255
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:19,531
Your Linda must have
more to her than that.
256
00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:21,751
She's never gonna buy this.
I don't blame her.
257
00:10:21,795 --> 00:10:24,624
Her looks are very
important to her.
258
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:26,669
You know, we were voted
the handsomest couple
259
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,105
at Allerdice High School.
260
00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:30,804
Now what are we?
Beauty and the beast?
261
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:33,458
There you go again,
jumpin' to conclusions.
262
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,983
Give those plastic
surgeons a chance.
263
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,941
Come on.
My face is busted up.
264
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:39,726
No matter what they do, it's
still gonna be patchwork.
265
00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:41,989
You won't accept this,
but you've been very lucky.
266
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:43,686
-Lucky?
-You heard me.
267
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,732
A lot of handsome kids
are going outta here
268
00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,516
without arms and legs.
269
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:48,952
Yeah, right, Doc.
270
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,388
I guess I'm just
about the luckiest guy
271
00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:51,563
in the whole world.
272
00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:59,093
♪♪ [off-key]
273
00:11:03,053 --> 00:11:04,707
How are your earplugs
working?
274
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,187
Great. I can't hear a thing.
275
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,931
-Shall we?
-Ready when you are, B.O.
276
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:13,716
You just keep playing, Charles.
This won't take a second.
277
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,719
Contact!
278
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:18,634
Bomb bay doors open,
and...
279
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,244
Bombs away!
280
00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:23,639
His eyes are watering!
281
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:24,727
But not enough!
282
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,337
Try to offend
a little harder.
283
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:31,952
We did it! We brought
his lips to his knees.
284
00:11:40,482 --> 00:11:42,745
We have met the enemy,
and we are his.
285
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:44,660
♪♪
286
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,922
Whew!
287
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:49,099
Glad to see you boys
are working this out.
288
00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:51,667
Major, will you shut
your mouthpiece?
289
00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:54,714
Now why didn't we
think of that?
290
00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:57,238
I thought I told you kids
to change your diapers.
291
00:11:57,281 --> 00:11:58,892
Not till he stops tooting.
292
00:11:58,935 --> 00:11:59,893
Well?
293
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,590
Never!
294
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,853
However, there is
an alternative.
295
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,072
Goody.
296
00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:07,117
Put me in different
quarters.
297
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:09,685
Fine. There's an empty bunk
with the enlisted men.
298
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,992
Enlisted men? That's
totally unacceptable.
299
00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:13,733
I'd rather
wear a gas mask.
300
00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:15,691
Good! Wear it.
Just don't play it.
301
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,693
Malodorous trolls.
302
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,435
Look, fellas,
I'm in no mood
303
00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:22,698
for the Hatfields
and the McCoys.
304
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,439
I came here
to drown my sorrows
305
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:26,267
and cauterize my liver.
306
00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:28,312
Got some vintage stuff.
307
00:12:28,356 --> 00:12:29,705
How vintage?
308
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,054
It's fermented
longer than we have.
309
00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:32,752
-That old, huh? All right.
-Mm-hmm.
310
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:35,580
Let's have it.
But don't get too close to me.
311
00:12:38,366 --> 00:12:39,671
My serve.
312
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,590
-[coughing]
-Hmm.
313
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:47,636
That'll rip the tar paper
off the roof.
314
00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:48,811
It hits the spot.
315
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:49,943
And rubs it out.
316
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,379
Tough day
at the office, Colonel?
317
00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:52,989
I don't even want
to talk about it.
318
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:54,208
Give us a clue.
319
00:12:54,251 --> 00:12:55,775
Sir, come quick!
It's Saunders.
320
00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,646
He swallowed a whole
bottle of sleeping pills!
321
00:12:57,689 --> 00:12:58,647
There's your clue.
322
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:01,955
B.J.: His pulse is weak,
but it's there.
323
00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:03,739
His respirations
are really suppressed.
324
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:04,914
Stay with it, guys.
325
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:07,830
Where'd he get
the barbiturates?
326
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:09,266
Drug cabinet, sir.
327
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:10,964
That cabinet is supposed
to be locked at all times.
328
00:13:11,007 --> 00:13:12,704
-He smashed the glass.
-Where the hell were you?
329
00:13:12,748 --> 00:13:14,271
I went into the supply room
for just a second.
330
00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:16,273
Why didn't you send someone?
Damn it, Lieutenant,
331
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:18,275
from now on, this man
is not to be left alone.
332
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:19,276
Yes, sir.
333
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,495
-Pass the word.
-Yes, sir.
334
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:23,324
How's he doing?
335
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:24,412
He's gonna make it.
336
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:25,456
This time.
337
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:44,345
That wasn't very smart,
son.
338
00:13:47,391 --> 00:13:49,437
You should have let me die.
339
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:53,571
At 22? Mm-mm.
Too many years ahead of you.
340
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,878
I don't even get
the satisfaction
341
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,053
of being a hero.
342
00:13:58,489 --> 00:14:00,448
Dumb accident.
343
00:14:00,491 --> 00:14:03,581
My own gun
blows up in my face.
344
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:05,757
Hail the conquering fool.
345
00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:07,150
A man isn't a fool
346
00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,500
just because he's
the victim of an accident,
347
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:12,634
but he is one if he lets
it ruin his whole life.
348
00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:14,462
Doctor, if there's one thing
I don't need right now,
349
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,333
it's Norman Vincent Peale,
350
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,683
so just save the "Everything's
gonna be all right" speech
351
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:19,946
for the next guy.
352
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:21,817
You're very stubborn,
aren't you?
353
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,079
Well, so am I.
354
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,432
Now, remember, I want
a 24-hour watch on him.
355
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:30,086
-Capisce?
-Yes, sir.
356
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:34,699
How quaint.
Sidewalk cafe in the mud.
357
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:37,659
Very French.
Complete with snails.
358
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:40,314
Sorry, sirs.
You can't come in.
359
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:42,838
Why, did the health department
finally get wise to this place?
360
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,972
The entire company
signed a petition.
You gotta eat outside.
361
00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:48,191
Ah, come on, Klinger.
We're not that bad.
362
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:51,107
You are to this bazoo.
Accurate as a Swiss watch.
363
00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:52,587
And as big as the Swiss Alps.
364
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:54,719
Flattery still gets you
a table outside.
365
00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:57,679
Have a seat. I'll bring
your food. Whew!
366
00:14:57,722 --> 00:14:58,810
Where would you
like to sit?
367
00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:00,029
Uh, this side.
368
00:15:00,073 --> 00:15:01,248
I love to watch
the buzzards
369
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:03,032
swooping down
on the garbage dump.
370
00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:06,122
Ah. Eating outside, I see.
371
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:07,776
-Mm-hmm.
-Very chic.
372
00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:10,344
Reminds me
of the Via Veneto in Rome.
373
00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:12,041
I dined alfresco
374
00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:14,174
when we went there for
an audience with the pope.
375
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:16,785
-The pope?
-Numero uno.
376
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:18,526
Pull up a crate
and tell us about it, Father.
377
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:21,398
Uh, no, I'm expected inside.
378
00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:22,704
-B.J.: Father.
-Hmm?
379
00:15:22,747 --> 00:15:24,010
Is it because we smell bad?
380
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:26,229
Well, uh...
381
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:29,319
I, uh... Oh, dear.
382
00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:33,628
Oh, dear.
How should I put this?
383
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:36,500
Uh, yes, because of that.
384
00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:38,067
Jesus ate with the lepers.
385
00:15:38,111 --> 00:15:40,461
He was an exceptionally
good sport.
386
00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:46,423
-Whew.
-Here you are.
387
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:47,947
Sweets for the sweet.
388
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,949
Uh, busboy, can we
have some water?
389
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:51,951
Only if you bathe
in it. Ugh.
390
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,004
Uh, Beej, would you mind
trading seats with me?
391
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,614
Can't resist
the buzzards, eh?
392
00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:05,312
No, I just want to be
upwind of you.
393
00:16:05,355 --> 00:16:06,791
Of me?
394
00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:08,837
Yeah. Isn't it one
of life's peculiarities
395
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,144
how some
people can be sensitive
to the aroma of others
396
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:12,667
and yet totally oblivious
397
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:14,974
to the noxious fumes
emanating from themselves?
398
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:16,627
What are you trying
to say, Charles?
399
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:17,977
Just that some people have
400
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:20,153
a certain kind
of body chemistry
401
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:24,461
that makes them, uh, well,
more pungent than others.
402
00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:25,985
Speaking of body chemistry,
403
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:28,813
you're dangerously close
to blowing yourself up.
404
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:29,989
I didn't want to hurt
your feelings--
405
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:32,948
but-- [chuckle]--
You reek, fella.
406
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,646
My eyes aren't watering
'cause I'm homesick, buddy.
407
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:37,474
Oh, really? Let me tell you
something, buster.
408
00:16:37,518 --> 00:16:40,738
-♪♪ [French horn]
-There he goes again.
409
00:16:40,782 --> 00:16:42,566
We can't even have
a good argument in peace.
410
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:43,915
All right! That does it.
411
00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:45,221
The irresistible force
412
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:47,789
is about to polish off
the immovable object.
413
00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:49,747
♪♪
414
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:54,013
[horn honking]
415
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:55,840
[rhythmic drumming]
416
00:16:57,799 --> 00:17:00,932
[honking,
drumming continue]
417
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,632
♪♪ [kazoo]
418
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,209
♪♪
419
00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,341
[Drumming, honking,
kazoo continue]
420
00:17:27,655 --> 00:17:31,006
This is getting ridiculous.
421
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,632
Suffering sheep-dip.
422
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:50,460
Time for a permanent
intermission.
423
00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:55,944
WOMAN:
Oh, my God. Saunders!
424
00:17:58,164 --> 00:17:59,774
Now what's going on?
425
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,210
We only turned our backs
on him for a second,
426
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:02,298
and he was gone.
427
00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:03,647
I told you to keep
an eye on him!
428
00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:05,214
All right, let's split up.
429
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:06,824
[hissing sound]
430
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,263
That's enough, Saunders!
431
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:12,047
Get away! Leave me alone!
432
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,396
Put it down.
We're gonna talk.
433
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,703
No more talk!
Just let me die!
434
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:18,097
Oh, no. You're not
gonna die on my time.
435
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:19,576
-[hissing stops]
-[inhaling]
436
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,841
It won't stop me.
I'll find another way.
437
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:26,148
I want to end this.
Don't you understand?
438
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:28,455
Just leave me alone!
439
00:18:28,498 --> 00:18:32,502
All right. You want to do it?
Let's really do it.
440
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:34,156
You'll need some help.
441
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,897
You've screwed up
everything else.
442
00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:37,203
You might as well
get this right.
443
00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:38,769
Put the mask over your face.
444
00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:41,424
Go ahead. I won't stop you.
Do it. Do it!
445
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:44,123
Go on! Do it!
Here, let me help you.
446
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,168
You want death?
We got plenty around here.
447
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:47,778
Suck it in, punk!
Come on!
448
00:18:49,302 --> 00:18:50,564
What's the matter
with you?
449
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:51,956
Come on!
450
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,871
You're crazy! You're
trying to kill me!
451
00:18:53,915 --> 00:18:55,177
Of course
I'm trying to kill you.
452
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:56,657
That's what you want,
isn't it?
453
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:58,093
You want to die,
and I'm here to help you!
454
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,312
Get away!
If you come near me,
455
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:00,574
I'll belt you,
so help me!
456
00:19:00,617 --> 00:19:02,097
[panting]
457
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,317
That's more like it.
458
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,623
Now you're fighting
to stay alive, aren't you?
459
00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:14,979
The part of you
that wants to stick around
460
00:19:15,023 --> 00:19:18,026
is stronger than the part
that wants to end it.
461
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:20,985
Okay. Hang on to that.
462
00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:22,378
Come on, son.
463
00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,163
Let's get some rest, son.
464
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:29,124
I'm too old for this
kind of crap.
465
00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:32,345
I think I tore my shorts.
466
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:36,175
[noise continues]
467
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:39,700
-Ready, Klinger?
-Ready.
468
00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:41,092
Get set!
469
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:43,530
Hit it!
470
00:19:43,573 --> 00:19:45,749
[screaming]
471
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:47,621
[all shouting]
472
00:19:54,802 --> 00:19:57,152
Bravo! Bravo! Ha ha ha!
473
00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:02,070
Cease watering!
Second wave!
474
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:03,854
Fire!
475
00:20:09,164 --> 00:20:12,472
Bravo! I love it!
Drown the cretins.
476
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:13,995
Sponge detail!
477
00:20:15,126 --> 00:20:16,389
Hey! Watch--
478
00:20:16,432 --> 00:20:18,260
I don't care
what you do to me,
479
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:20,610
but those lice you killed
were women and children!
480
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:22,525
-[screams, laughs]
-B.J.: How well
do we know each other?
481
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:23,613
[laughing]
482
00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:25,267
[all shouting]
483
00:20:31,839 --> 00:20:34,015
[shouting]
484
00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:36,278
[cheers, applause]
485
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,933
There. Dry there.
486
00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:42,197
Here, where are you
taking that?
487
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,285
Where it belongs.
488
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:44,547
Hold it, Margaret!
489
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:46,027
Margaret!
490
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:47,594
[whistles]
491
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:49,552
Third wave!
492
00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:55,297
[people exclaiming]
493
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:58,822
Oh, my-- No. Pick it up.
Pick it up. Margaret, no!
494
00:20:58,866 --> 00:21:01,260
-No!
-[all cheering]
495
00:21:08,136 --> 00:21:12,009
You barbarians. You Visigoths!
496
00:21:12,053 --> 00:21:15,317
Do you realize you have
taken the last vestige
497
00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:18,015
of Western civilization
left here
498
00:21:18,059 --> 00:21:20,975
and you have run it
under your pagan wheels?
499
00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:23,325
-[cheering]
-HAWKEYE: Bravo.
500
00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:25,632
Encore! Encore!
501
00:21:25,675 --> 00:21:27,590
-That horn, I never really-- -
-Ahem.
502
00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:33,161
I fear the moment
of retribution is at hand.
503
00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:38,427
Yours, I believe.
504
00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:43,563
All right.
505
00:21:43,606 --> 00:21:45,956
Who's responsible for all this?
506
00:21:49,046 --> 00:21:51,179
I see. Well,
507
00:21:51,222 --> 00:21:55,183
beginning at 2200 hours,
you are all hereby confined
508
00:21:55,226 --> 00:21:58,099
to the Officers' Club
for the duration of the whiskey.
509
00:21:58,142 --> 00:21:59,970
[cheering]
510
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:04,366
Pierce, Hunnicutt,
and Winchester are buying.
511
00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:06,281
[cheering]
512
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,239
Great idea.
513
00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:10,111
Colonel!
514
00:22:10,154 --> 00:22:12,853
Forget it, Charles.
If we pay, you pay.
515
00:22:12,896 --> 00:22:15,116
Colonel, what about my horn?
516
00:22:15,159 --> 00:22:17,988
Oh, by all means,
Winchester, bring it along.
517
00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:19,163
We'd love to hear it.
518
00:22:28,172 --> 00:22:29,478
-What day is it?
-Tuesday.
519
00:22:29,522 --> 00:22:30,914
We oughta celebrate.
520
00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:32,263
A whole week of silence.
521
00:22:32,307 --> 00:22:33,569
And fresh air.
522
00:22:33,613 --> 00:22:34,962
[knocking]
523
00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:36,224
-Yeah?
-Come in!
524
00:22:38,661 --> 00:22:41,490
Ah, good! Sang Mu!
How'd it turn out?
525
00:22:41,534 --> 00:22:43,187
How'd what turn out?
526
00:22:43,231 --> 00:22:44,537
You aren't through
with me yet, gentlemen.
527
00:22:44,580 --> 00:22:46,277
Sang Mu has rebuilt my horn.
528
00:22:46,321 --> 00:22:48,192
-Oh, no!
-I just took a shower!
529
00:22:48,236 --> 00:22:50,020
Very hard to get parts,
Major.
530
00:22:50,064 --> 00:22:51,500
I'm sure
you did your best.
531
00:22:51,544 --> 00:22:53,241
Had to get parts
from different horns,
532
00:22:53,284 --> 00:22:55,417
but I fit very nicely,
okay?
533
00:22:55,461 --> 00:22:57,201
Okay.
534
00:22:57,245 --> 00:22:58,638
I'm gonna have
my eardrums pierced.
535
00:23:00,814 --> 00:23:03,164
There's--
There's no mouthpiece.
536
00:23:03,207 --> 00:23:05,384
-Yeah.
-What do you mean, "yeah"?
537
00:23:05,427 --> 00:23:06,646
[Hawkeye, B.J. laughing]
538
00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:14,001
♪♪ [theme]
37946
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