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1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,178
♪♪ [theme]
2
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Sir.
3
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,407
Corporal Klinger reporting
as ordered, sir.
4
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,931
Yeah, I've signed about
four miles of paperwork.
5
00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:04,064
-Get it started to Seoul.
-Right away, sir.
6
00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:06,849
Give those mice
at Headquarters
something to nibble on.
7
00:01:06,892 --> 00:01:09,721
And I-- Klinger,
you're out of uniform.
8
00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:12,159
I mean, uh,
you're inuniform.
9
00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:15,031
-Yes, sir.
-Was it something I said?
10
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,990
-No, sir.
-Listen, if it's about
that backless green sheath
11
00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:21,298
you wore on Friday,
I only criticized it
because it was too tight.
12
00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:24,171
-That's all behind me, sir.
-It certainly was.
13
00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:26,390
I sort of grew up
over the weekend, sir.
14
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:30,481
I realized I lovearmy life,
and I wanna be a success
at it, sir.
15
00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:32,179
And this is a way
to start, sir.
16
00:01:32,222 --> 00:01:34,442
Klinger...
17
00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:38,185
-This is another Section Eight
caper, right?
-No, sir.
18
00:01:38,228 --> 00:01:39,969
We've staggered down
this road before.
19
00:01:40,012 --> 00:01:41,884
You've got
a razzle-dazzle going.
20
00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:43,886
-Wrong, sir, respectfully.
-I'm gonna love this one.
21
00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:48,064
-It's got a lot
of reverse topspin.
-[phone ringing]
22
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,284
4077 MASH,
Corporal Klinger.
23
00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:53,678
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir!
24
00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:55,593
Headquarters,
Colonel Abrams.
25
00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:57,073
Hi, Mike.
What's the poop?
26
00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:01,208
Tomorrow, huh? What?
27
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:02,992
Yeah, sure.
Perimeter roadblocks.
28
00:02:03,035 --> 00:02:05,168
M.P.s will oversee it.
29
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,388
Okay, we'll cooperate.
Adios.
30
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,914
All right, General Gung Ho.
We got a job.
31
00:02:11,957 --> 00:02:14,569
Headquarters is gonna issue
new military money.
32
00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:17,049
-We're exchanging
scrip again, sir?
-Got to.
33
00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:20,140
Only way to cross up
the counterfeiters
and the black marketeers.
34
00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:23,926
Therefore, this base
will be closed to all
traffic, in or out
35
00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:26,320
starting 1600 hours tomorrow.
36
00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:29,671
-No exceptions, comprende?
-Si, si, sir.
37
00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,890
I better make an announcement.
38
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:34,066
Give everybody time
to dig out their old blue money
39
00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:36,156
and exchange it for red.
40
00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:39,333
After tomorrow,
blue will be outdated.
Worth zilch!
41
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,509
Permission to take
a ten-minute break, sir.
42
00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:45,295
-Granted. Why?
-I'd like to get in some
close order drill before lunch.
43
00:02:45,339 --> 00:02:47,732
-Ten-hut!
-[heels click]
44
00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:52,215
About face! Forward, march!
Hep, ho, hep, ho...
45
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,217
It's gotta be a caper.
46
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,654
-120/60.
-Is that good, Doc?
47
00:02:56,698 --> 00:03:00,136
Better than mine.
For your condition,
you're in great condition.
48
00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:04,271
Excuse me, sir.
I'd like to talk to that man.
49
00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:06,838
Sarge, if you wanna arrest
that guy, you're gonna have
to wait about six weeks.
50
00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:09,232
-No, sir. He's a buddy of mine.
-Oh, then go ahead.
51
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:13,323
-How ya feelin', Boone?
-[chuckles] All in one piece.
52
00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:16,152
Nurses told me they had you
on that operating table
for quite a while.
53
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,285
He was a good boy.
He slept through
the whole thing.
54
00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:21,244
And while he slept,
we discovered shrapnel
on his property.
55
00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:23,812
POTTER [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
This is Colonel Potter.
56
00:03:23,855 --> 00:03:27,511
-Prove it.
-Tomorrow we'll be issued
new army money. Red for blue.
57
00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:30,340
Have all your old scrip
ready for the exchange
58
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:33,343
or the only place
you'll be able to use it
is in the latrine.
59
00:03:33,387 --> 00:03:36,433
He's not talking to me.
I lost all my money
in the cockroach races.
60
00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:39,393
-I told you to stay
away from the track.
-How could I? It's in my bunk!
61
00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:42,918
Hey, Maxwell.
I got 400 I won in a crap game.
62
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:44,702
Could you exchange it for me?
I'm kinda laid up.
63
00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:47,270
Oh, in that case, sure.
64
00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:50,230
I appreciate what you
gentlemen did for him.
By the way, my name is Maxwell.
65
00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:52,623
If there's anything I can
do for you, just let me know.
66
00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:54,582
How about arresting this war
for disturbing the peace?
67
00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:58,194
That is very nice, Mr. Kim.
68
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,457
My compliments
to your talented fingers.
69
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:04,026
I tailoring very goodly
for Winchester sansen.
70
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:06,289
[chuckling]
Goodly, indeed.
71
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:08,291
Coat fits good
over shoulder.
72
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:11,729
Pants fit cute
over tushy.
73
00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:14,297
-That's terribly
colorful, Mr. Kim.
-Roger Wilcox.
74
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:15,994
Thirty-six bucks.
You pay now.
75
00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:18,040
Mr. Kim, I have an idea
76
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:21,957
that will mean much more money
than that for the both of us.
77
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,828
I have a proposition.
78
00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:25,874
Thirty-three bucks.
79
00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:30,052
Mr. Kim, listen.
Tomorrow the army
is calling in old scrip.
80
00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:33,447
Ah, yeah. Red for blue.
That news all over town.
81
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:36,667
That scrip is meant only
for military personnel.
82
00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:38,190
It's not meant for your people.
83
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:39,888
However, I'm prepared
to overlook that.
84
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:43,152
-In fact, I am prepared
to help them.
-What kind of help?
85
00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:46,460
Tomorrow, Mr. Kim,
we buy up from your people
86
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:49,201
all the old scrip
before the deadline,
87
00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:51,856
not quite at face value.
88
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,597
How much not quite?
89
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:56,078
Ten cents on the dollar.
90
00:04:57,514 --> 00:04:59,211
-Savvy?
-I savvy.
91
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:00,996
Ninety percent profit
for you.
92
00:05:01,039 --> 00:05:03,520
Two percent of that
is for you, Mr. Kim.
93
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:06,828
Oh, you big sport.
Thirty bucks.
94
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:10,135
Mr. Kim, I need your help.
95
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:13,269
Why you do this?
You loaded American.
96
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:17,404
Buy tailor-made clothes.
Please, 29 bucks.
97
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:20,668
Mr. Kim!
It's not the money.
98
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,759
It's the hunt.
99
00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:27,370
It's the challenge of scenting
the spoor of opportunity
100
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:30,286
and tracking it down.
101
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:34,725
Besides, we're merely
acting as business agents
for your people.
102
00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,423
They're not allowed
on the base.
103
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:39,208
After tomorrow,
the old scrip is worthless.
104
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:42,211
We're doing them a big favor.
105
00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:44,039
Mr. Kim honest man.
106
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:46,868
No can make phony baloney
with my people.
107
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:49,087
Please, $28.
108
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,220
Mr. Kim,
it is either a check now
109
00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:53,875
that may take the rest
of the war to clear,
110
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:57,226
or cash tomorrow if you
help with my little plan.
111
00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:01,056
What time
we leave tomorrow?
112
00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:06,148
I think I got
a counterfeit bill.
113
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:10,108
Looks legit to me.
A perfect likeness
of Mao Tse-tung.
114
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:12,067
I don't know.
"In Buddha we trust"?
115
00:06:13,721 --> 00:06:17,202
-Ah, Mr. Kim.
-Of Hart, Schaffner and Kim.
116
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:20,423
Hawkeye sansen.
B.J. sansen.
117
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,730
Are you adding to
the Winchester wardrobe?
118
00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:25,689
I add to his wardrobe,
but he no add to my pocket.
119
00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:28,692
-He didn't pay you?
-He only pay me compliment.
120
00:06:28,736 --> 00:06:32,217
Holding money back until
I help him with big deal.
121
00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:33,697
What's the big deal?
122
00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:36,483
All around my village,
they got old money.
123
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:39,050
He make me take him tomorrow.
124
00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:43,794
Buy one dollar scrip from
people and pay only ten cents.
125
00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,796
-You, uh...
-Yeah.
126
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,798
You hang on, Mr. Kim.
We'll see what we can do.
127
00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:50,192
Mr. Kim very grateful.
128
00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,237
Dress shirt in it
for both of you.
129
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,503
-How about that?
-Charles is just what
this place needs,
130
00:06:56,546 --> 00:06:58,548
-a robber baron
who makes house calls.
-It's greed.
131
00:06:58,592 --> 00:06:59,941
He's basically a greedy fink.
132
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:01,943
All we need is a way
to sink that fink.
133
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,729
Where'd you get
all this money, kid?
134
00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:07,731
Nine straight passes.
135
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:10,691
Then someone rolled
a grenade in the game,
and we all crapped out.
136
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:15,347
-Well, this will all be
new scrip tomorrow. Gotta run.
-[chuckles]
137
00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:18,133
Sergeant, we'd like to
take you up on that favor.
138
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:21,310
-Name it.
-We want you to play a game
of cops and robbers tomorrow.
139
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,225
-We'll supply the robber.
-Where?
140
00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:25,488
-A couple of miles out of camp.
-Well, what time?
141
00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:28,230
-About 1500, 1600 hours.
-Give or take a hundred hours.
142
00:07:28,273 --> 00:07:29,927
Ah, sorry, guys. I can't.
143
00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:32,539
I gotta be here to exchange
Boone's scrip.
144
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,759
Well, I tell you what.
You do us our favor,
and we'll do you his favor.
145
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,805
We love to exchange favors.
146
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,067
Okay with you, Boone?
147
00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:41,461
I guess so.
I trusted them with my life.
148
00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:43,463
You got a deal.
149
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:47,597
-May I join you, Father?
-Mm, of course.
150
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,643
I just want to pay you
the money I owe you.
151
00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:51,558
Oh, w-well, sit right here.
152
00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:56,171
Thanks. And bless you
for an honest woman.
153
00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:58,129
[chuckles]
154
00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,392
Oh, uh, don't you
owe me another 10?
155
00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:02,786
-No.
-Oops! Sorry. [chuckles]
156
00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:04,527
They were stuck together.
157
00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:07,312
-Ah, shearing
the flock again, Father?
-Yes.
158
00:08:07,356 --> 00:08:10,794
And I was one of the lambs.
He clipped me for 23 bucks.
159
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:13,449
[laughs] As a matter of fact,
she was holding a straight
160
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,451
and tried to sandbag me.
161
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,498
I had a full house.
But it's all worthwhile,
mind you.
162
00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,456
For the children's
Christmas fund.
163
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,328
I can see it all now.
Father Mulcahy,
Bishop of Las Vegas.
164
00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:25,200
-[laughing]
-Ah, look who's here.
165
00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:27,594
-Oh, hi, Colonel.
-Hello, Colonel.
166
00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:30,379
-You'll never believe
what I'm gonna tell you.
-Then why listen? Where were we?
167
00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:35,297
Pierce, sometimes you
can be very amusing.
And then there's now.
168
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:36,472
Ah. Sorry.
169
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,213
I have an order
from Headquarters
170
00:08:38,256 --> 00:08:42,304
to give an entrance
examination to West Point to--
171
00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:44,828
Are you ready for this?
Corporal Max Klinger.
172
00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:47,875
-You're right.
I don't believe it.
-West Point?
173
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:48,919
That's impossible.
174
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,965
God works
in mysterious ways,
175
00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:52,662
but this is a corker.
176
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,272
By special messenger yet.
177
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:57,580
Obviously, some Toledo
politician has gone wacko!
178
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,843
Ah, how time flies.
179
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:02,063
One day our little brown-eyed
girl is running around
180
00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,586
in a big floppy hat
and a beard,
181
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,109
and the next day,
she's off to West Point.
182
00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:08,373
He did it.
That brilliant screwball
finally did it.
183
00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:10,462
He's getting out of the service
by joining the army.
184
00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:14,162
To think that loony bird
will be attending
the same school
185
00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:16,207
that produced MacArthur
and myDonald.
186
00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:17,948
Makes me want to retch.
187
00:09:17,992 --> 00:09:19,733
Yeah, how could Klinger
pick a place like that?
188
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:22,431
-You!
-I take it back!
I take it back!
189
00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:26,783
Hep, ho, hep, ho, hep, ho,
hep, ho, hep, ho! Detail, halt!
190
00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:28,176
There's
"Old Nose and Guts" now.
191
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:29,873
Oh, Field Marshal?
192
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,093
Sir!
193
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,403
-You wanted me, sir?
-Klinger?
194
00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:42,799
Your application to be tested
for West Point has been
green-lighted.
195
00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:45,410
Excellent, sir.
A plebe at last, sir.
196
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:49,197
-When do I leave, sir?
-As soon as you knock off
the "sirs" and pass the test!
197
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,851
Child's play for a cadet.
198
00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:54,419
-Congratulations, my boy.
-Thank you, Father.
199
00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:56,900
Klinger, how did
you pull it off?
200
00:09:56,944 --> 00:09:58,685
It was my Uncle Gus, sir.
201
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:00,556
That the uncle that got
out of World War I
202
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,558
-as your Aunt Gussie?
-Yes, sir.
203
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,605
He's, uh, "good buddies"
with a certain congressman.
204
00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:08,085
And catered
the St. Valentine's Day
Massacre.
205
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:09,434
He's a biggie, sir.
206
00:10:09,478 --> 00:10:10,958
Connections.
207
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,829
Why is it
always connections?
208
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:16,311
Sure.
Uncle Gus calls congressman.
Congressman calls Pentagon.
209
00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:18,792
And voila. The debutante
with the hairy legs
becomes a cadet.
210
00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:21,751
All right, Klinger.
Get ready for the exam.
Dismissed.
211
00:10:21,795 --> 00:10:23,884
Yes, sir!
Thank you, sir!
212
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:26,060
I think we have a wonderful
chance of beating Navy
this year, sir.
213
00:10:26,103 --> 00:10:28,628
-More than dismissed!
-[heels click]
214
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,589
I'd have thought my horse
would have a better chance
215
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,373
of getting into West Point.
216
00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:37,941
-On looks alone.
-Probably figured
it was easier...
217
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:39,595
to get thrown out
of West Point than Korea.
218
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,510
Sure. First exam
they give him, he cheats.
219
00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:43,251
They catch him, throw him out,
and he's free.
220
00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:44,948
He's not there yet.
221
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:47,864
They don't just let in
any Tom, Dick and Mary.
222
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:50,562
Imagine, a chance
to go to the Point.
223
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:53,348
Keep your hopes up.
Maybe someday they'll
let in women.
224
00:10:53,391 --> 00:10:55,219
Oh, wouldn't that
be wonderful?
225
00:10:55,263 --> 00:10:57,700
Oh, yeah. It would give
a whole new meaning
to "lights out."
226
00:10:57,744 --> 00:11:00,703
Hey, Zale, where's my money?
I'm goin' on R and R.
227
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:03,184
Oh, yeah. Sure, kid.
Here, hold this.
228
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:05,229
That's, uh...
229
00:11:05,273 --> 00:11:08,276
five, 10, 20.
230
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:12,019
There you go.
Do everything I'll be
dreamin' to do.
231
00:11:12,062 --> 00:11:14,021
Hmm.
Wait a second, Zale.
232
00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:16,240
You said double or nothing.
Where's the other 20?
233
00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:19,287
-I said double or nothin'
to 10.
-Twenty, you welsher!
234
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:22,333
-Ten, you thief!
-You wanna hold it down.
We're trying to swallow.
235
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:24,684
-Thief?
-Sorry. Rotten crook!
236
00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:28,165
Here. Eat those words!
237
00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,080
I'll kill him!
I'll kill him!
238
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,387
Why do they always start
the show during dinner?
239
00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:35,303
-Let's stop them
before they get hurt.
-I hate the sight of ketchup.
240
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:39,568
[shouting]
241
00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:41,265
Break it up!
242
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:43,398
Yes, sir, as soon
as I rearrange his teeth!
243
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:46,140
Zale, those who live
by the sword shall perish
by the sword.
244
00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:49,360
Aw, forget it, Father.
I'm just gonna break
the jawbone of an ass!
245
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,623
-You take Zsa Zsa.
I'll get Eva.
-Come on.
246
00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:53,625
Come on, come on.
Break it up.
247
00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:56,280
You two palookas are confined
to quarters for 48 hours.
248
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,760
But I'm going
on R and R, sir.
249
00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:59,501
Would you like to try
for double or nothing?
250
00:11:59,544 --> 00:12:03,810
-No, sir.
-Then hit the showers.
Rest of you, as you were.
251
00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,160
Come on!
252
00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,292
Well, that got us
out of dinner, anyway.
253
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,817
Shall we pass up dessert?
It's marble cake.
254
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,167
-I didn't bring my chisel.
-Race you to the latrine.
255
00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:15,952
Oh, wait a minute.
That guy's money. Wait a sec.
256
00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:25,745
Anybody see a canvas bag?
257
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:29,661
Anybody see somebody
steala canvas bag?
258
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:35,189
Anybody ever see a captain
chew up a tent?
259
00:12:48,158 --> 00:12:50,726
-Charles...
-Don't bother asking, Pierce.
The answer's still no.
260
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,728
How do you know
I'm gonna ask for money again?
261
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,470
-Oh. All right. What is it?
-Can I borrow 400?
262
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,515
Pierce, for the last time,
263
00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:59,561
all my money is tied up
in a financial venture.
264
00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:01,737
Give an I.O.U.
to your patient
265
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,435
but don't penalize me
for your gross negligence,
266
00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,437
your bungling carelessness,
your stupid--
267
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:08,439
I need a loan, not a lecture.
Forget it.
268
00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:10,790
Yeah, he wouldn't take
your money if you got
on your hands and knees.
269
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,443
Wait a minute.
Not so fast. Try me.
270
00:13:12,487 --> 00:13:15,620
I will see you later
at the exchange, Pierce,
271
00:13:15,664 --> 00:13:17,535
if, of course,
you don't lose your way.
272
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,146
[mocking chuckle]
273
00:13:19,189 --> 00:13:21,104
Yeah, a fool and his money
have just departed.
274
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:23,628
What am I gonna do?
I can't beg, I can't borrow,
275
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:25,674
I can't catch the guy
who knows how to steal.
276
00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:27,632
If you're Charles,
you just give the patient
277
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,983
a bill for 400 and call
the whole thing even.
278
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:32,333
I'm gonna go in there
and tell Boone the truth.
279
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,988
I better go alone.
There's no sense his
beating up the both of us.
280
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,251
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
281
00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,862
Exchange of scrip
will begin at 1600 hours.
282
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:42,430
Bring your cash
before it turns to trash.
283
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:53,006
Come, Mr. Kim.
We haven't much time.
284
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,659
Just keep my shirt on.
285
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:05,235
-How you feeling, Boone?
-Better. Thanks.
286
00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,716
Better. Good.
That's good. Good.
287
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,981
-Good.
-Everything okay, Doc?
288
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:14,766
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everything's good. Very good.
289
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,072
Well, no, not so good.
290
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:18,466
Uh, actually, it stinks.
291
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,122
[sighs] Boone, somebody
stole your money.
292
00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:24,776
-What?
-There was a fight
in the Mess Tent.
293
00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:27,127
I turned my back
for two seconds,
and the bag was gone.
294
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:29,738
You telling me
I'm out 400?
295
00:14:29,781 --> 00:14:31,958
No, you're fine.
I'm out 400.
296
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,656
I'll wire my father
and have it for you
in a couple of days.
297
00:14:34,699 --> 00:14:36,745
Oh, sure. They're shipping
me out tomorrow.
298
00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:39,139
-I'll send it to you.
-Yeah.
299
00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:40,314
And you'll go out of
your way to get it to me.
300
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:41,924
-Right?
-That's right. Yes.
301
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,100
Doc, don't try to con an M.P.
302
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:45,623
I've seen scams
like this before,
303
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:48,757
and from higher-ranking
officers than you!
304
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,238
If I weren't flat on my back,
you'd be flat on yours.
305
00:14:51,281 --> 00:14:54,937
-Boone, I give you my word.
-Aw, get out of here, phony!
306
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,983
All right,
you believe what you want.
307
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,202
You're gonna get
that money back,
whether you like it or not.
308
00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:02,466
Hawkeye, I heard
about the $400,
and I am shocked!
309
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:04,947
-Father, he'll get it back.
-Well, I know he will,
310
00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:08,995
but I'm appalled
at this venal breach
of one of God's commandments.
311
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:12,389
I'm going to broadcast
an appeal to the conscience
of the thief.
312
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:15,436
Just in case,
tell him there's a five-dollar
reward in it for him.
313
00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:18,874
[clears throat, blows]
Attention, all personnel.
314
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,530
Well, uh, not all personnel.
315
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:26,229
This is Father Mulcahy,
addressing the one personnel
316
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:29,929
who stole the money
entrusted to Captain Pierce.
317
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:32,888
You may think you've reaped
a profit by this act,
318
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,760
but as ye sow,
so shall ye reap!
319
00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:37,762
Robbery itself is a sin,
320
00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:39,764
but robbery
of your comrades-in-arms
321
00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:43,768
is an abomination before the
Lord and a really dirty trick!
322
00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:47,381
-That should do it, Father.
-Vengeance is mine,
sayeth the Lord!
323
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:49,818
-Oh, ye generation of vipers!
-I think that did it.
324
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:52,864
And he who blasphemeth
against the Holy Spirit
325
00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:54,997
better that man
had never been born!
326
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:58,783
-We're a little late,
so good night, folks.
-Uh, yes.
327
00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:01,699
Well, uh, bless one and all.
328
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,007
[switch clicks]
329
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:07,227
Uh, how'd I do?
330
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:09,969
Father, if that guy doesn't
return the 400, he's deaf.
331
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:15,017
Ninety-two, ninety-three
ninety-four, ninety-five.
332
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,802
You've only got
95 scrip dollars here, fellow.
333
00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:21,110
But I can be generous.
334
00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:25,854
Here is a brand-new, crisp,
Yankee ten-dollar bill.
335
00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:29,727
Thank you.
Uh, gentlemen.
336
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:32,730
With all due respect
to your national custom,
337
00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:36,082
could we all please
hold the bowing to a minimum?
338
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:40,521
Just one sort of group bow
when I leave.
339
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:43,524
Thank you very much.
Now, is there anyone
I haven't changed?
340
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:45,874
I think Major
finish off all people.
341
00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:49,051
Good, because I have
to be getting back.
342
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,358
Thank you all, gentlemen,
very much.
343
00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:54,361
I hope this little
transaction has helped to
cement the bonds of friendship
344
00:16:54,404 --> 00:16:57,494
between our two great nations.
345
00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,975
Very well.
Now you may bow.
346
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,934
-Ha so.
-Thank you.
347
00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:05,894
Why can't they just shake hands
like everybody else?
348
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,418
-[engine starts]
-Au revoir.
349
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:13,597
That G.I. Joe your friend?
350
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:15,686
I only make tailoring
for him.
351
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:18,428
May the seat of his pants
turn into scorpion.
352
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:22,519
Corporal Klinger, sir.
353
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:25,305
Ready to take
the West Point exam.
354
00:17:25,348 --> 00:17:27,655
-All right, Klinger.
Sit right there.
-Yes, sir.
355
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,789
Ready! Sit!
356
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,097
Ready, sir.
357
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,795
This examination will
consist of several parts
358
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:39,362
covering general intelligence,
359
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:41,886
math, history, geography,
world politics,
360
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:46,021
the role of the military
in national development,
and the law.
361
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,718
I'm kind of weak on law.
362
00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:49,459
But very strong on
getting around it.
363
00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:51,505
You have three hours
to complete the questions.
364
00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,855
B.J. and I
will be proctoring you.
365
00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:56,205
I already had
my physical, sir!
366
00:17:57,946 --> 00:18:00,035
-Ahem! All set?
-Oh, yes, sir.
367
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,558
[clears throat]
368
00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:04,344
Okay. Go.
And good luck.
369
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,087
"Mary's mother
sent her to the store
370
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,785
"to get nine
large cans of beans.
371
00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:15,529
"Mary could only carry
two cans at a time.
372
00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:19,315
How many trips to the store
did Mary have to make?"
373
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:22,275
-Sir, do I get time
for coffee breaks?
-Negative.
374
00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:26,366
-You have three hours.
-It'll take most of that
to answer this question.
375
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:29,978
What kind of a family
would only feed their
children beans?
376
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,856
Sorry, Major.
No vehicles beyond this point.
377
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,642
"No vehicles beyond..."
That's utterly ridiculous!
378
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,252
Well, the road's
been mined, sir.
379
00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:46,081
Now, look here, uh, Sergeant.
380
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,649
I'm with the, uh,
4077 MASH,
381
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:51,173
and I have to get back
for a very important operation.
382
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,957
I'm a surgeon. You see?
383
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:55,177
Well, I've got my orders, sir.
384
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,701
Look, Sergeant.
It is imperative
that I rejoin my unit!
385
00:18:57,745 --> 00:19:01,314
Sir, the 4077 is over there,
just the other side of the hill.
386
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:03,968
If you start walking,
you can probably be there
in about an hour.
387
00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,796
I haven't got an hour.
388
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,624
Well, then you'd
better run, sir.
389
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:09,539
Don't get impudent with me.
390
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,715
Just trying to be
helpful, sir.
391
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,026
This is without a doubt
392
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:20,202
the most inconvenient war
in history.
393
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,515
Sir, I don't understand
this question.
394
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:31,387
It's perfectly
understandable
to me, Klinger.
395
00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:34,085
"Describe the political
changes which came about
396
00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:36,871
as a result of Napoleon's
defeat at the Battle
of Waterloo."
397
00:19:36,914 --> 00:19:39,613
That's an illegal
trick question.
398
00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:42,355
Klinger, what happened
after the Battle of Waterloo?
399
00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:44,792
Well, uh, soldiers went home.
400
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:49,623
The kids were glad
to see their fathers.
401
00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,059
The wives were glad
to see their husbands.
402
00:19:51,102 --> 00:19:52,669
They ate some snails
and like that.
403
00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:56,543
And we thought
he didn't know the answer.
404
00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:59,110
I'm gonna get a drink.
405
00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:04,768
Wheelbarrow lady!
4077? MASH?
406
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:06,770
-[speaking Korean]
-You're sure?
407
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:09,512
-[speaking Korean]
-Thank you.
Thank you, little mother.
408
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:12,733
For your trouble.
Bless you.
409
00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:14,909
"Physical similarities
have been noted
410
00:20:14,952 --> 00:20:16,998
"between the Eskimos
of the Arctic
411
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:19,870
"and Mayan Indians
of the Southern Hemisphere.
412
00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:23,613
Give three theories
for this 'phenomenum.'"
413
00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:26,964
-Traveling salesmen?
-Now I'llhave a drink.
414
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,532
Could you give me
a little hint?
Any help at all.
415
00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:32,448
It's an exam, Klinger.
It's against the rules.
416
00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:34,363
Oh, what kind
of a test is this?
417
00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:36,844
Math, geography, history.
418
00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:38,280
Why don't they ask me
what kind of earrings
419
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,934
to wear for
an afternoon drill
420
00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:42,502
or how to accessorize
those drab gray tunics?
421
00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:44,417
They save that important stuff
till your senior year.
422
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,680
Sir, I'm pleading with you.
423
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:49,204
Help me get
just one thing right.
424
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,119
All right.
I shouldn't do this.
425
00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:55,036
You spell Klinger
with one "G."
426
00:20:55,079 --> 00:20:57,517
Oh. Thank you, sir.
I was nervous.
427
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,043
-Now, about these Eskimos.
-No dice, kid.
428
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:04,654
You mean I've washed out?
429
00:21:04,698 --> 00:21:07,266
First thing you
got right all day.
430
00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:14,273
MAN [over P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
431
00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:16,275
Scrip exchange will begin
in one minute.
432
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:19,582
Proceed in a calm and orderly
fashion to the exchange table.
433
00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:21,584
[shouting]
434
00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:22,716
WOMAN: Watch your hands!
435
00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:26,459
Well, I got 45 bucks of my own.
436
00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:28,243
At least I can give Boone
a down payment.
437
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:29,853
Cheer up.
You're no worse off
than Charles.
438
00:21:29,897 --> 00:21:31,507
I hope that's one
crook we've caught.
439
00:21:31,551 --> 00:21:33,509
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
440
00:21:33,553 --> 00:21:35,816
Scrip exchange
is now under way.
441
00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:38,775
No one allowed in or out
until exchange is completed.
442
00:21:38,819 --> 00:21:40,777
-[whistle blows]
-Halt!
443
00:21:40,821 --> 00:21:42,823
Halt? What do you mean?
What do you mean, "Halt"?
444
00:21:42,866 --> 00:21:44,825
"Halt," as in
"stop," sir!
445
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:47,480
-I-I'm coming in immediately.
-Belay that, sir!
446
00:21:47,523 --> 00:21:50,265
No one allowed aboard
till further notice.
Orders from the bridge, sir!
447
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,876
-Bridge?
-Aye, aye, sir.
448
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,184
Nonsense!
What are you doing in a hat?
449
00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:58,752
I expect to be a midshipman
at Annapolis very soon, sir.
450
00:21:58,795 --> 00:22:01,537
I think we have a wonderful
chance to beat Army this year.
451
00:22:01,581 --> 00:22:03,844
Get out of the way, Popeye!
452
00:22:03,887 --> 00:22:06,716
Permission to come aboard
denied, sir!
453
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,588
I've got to exchange all this!
454
00:22:08,631 --> 00:22:11,634
-You can deep-six it, sir.
-Pierce, Hunnicutt,
455
00:22:11,678 --> 00:22:13,897
will you tell this saltwater
daffy to let me in!
456
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:16,944
Sorry, his job is to
keep out the riff-raff
and the profiteers.
457
00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:20,034
If I don't get in
to exchange this,
it will all be worthless!
458
00:22:20,077 --> 00:22:22,341
Will you gentlemen
exchange this for me?
459
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,778
Oh, no. You see,
that's against the rules.
460
00:22:24,821 --> 00:22:26,997
Well, wait a minute.
Maybe we could bend
the rules just a tad.
461
00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:28,999
-You think so? Well...
-Let me see what you got.
462
00:22:29,043 --> 00:22:32,525
Uh, those bundles, uh,
are bills in hundred-dollar
increments.
463
00:22:32,568 --> 00:22:35,528
Okay. At ten cents
on the dollar
464
00:22:35,571 --> 00:22:37,878
that comes out
to $40 for 400.
465
00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:41,577
-Forty?
-That's right. Boone gets his,
and you get yours.
466
00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:43,666
You keep this
with our compliments.
467
00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:47,453
Why, this is highway robbery!
468
00:22:47,496 --> 00:22:49,672
-Oh, uh, Shore Patrol.
-Aye, aye, sir!
469
00:22:49,716 --> 00:22:53,284
Would you take care of this man?
He wants to report a crime.
470
00:22:53,328 --> 00:22:55,112
Now, what's
your problem, sir?
471
00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:06,167
Three fifty,
three seventy-five,
472
00:23:06,210 --> 00:23:08,996
$400 in brand-new scrip,
hot off the press.
473
00:23:09,039 --> 00:23:12,173
Boy, I never expected
to see this again, or you.
474
00:23:12,216 --> 00:23:15,002
Hey, I'm-- I'm sorry
for what I said, Doc.
475
00:23:15,045 --> 00:23:18,484
I don't blame you.
It's probably my shifty eyes
and the white mask I wear.
476
00:23:18,527 --> 00:23:22,879
Hawkeye! The money!
It was returned!
477
00:23:22,923 --> 00:23:25,055
Somebody left the money
in my tent,
478
00:23:25,099 --> 00:23:27,101
and in brand-new scrip.
479
00:23:27,144 --> 00:23:29,756
-My speech worked.
-It certainly did, Father.
480
00:23:29,799 --> 00:23:32,889
Look at this.
Another 400 from another thief.
481
00:23:32,933 --> 00:23:37,198
My. Two atonements,
with one speech.
482
00:23:37,241 --> 00:23:38,939
Why don't you keep this,
Father?
483
00:23:38,982 --> 00:23:40,810
Take the orphans out
for dinner and a show.
484
00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:43,813
Oh, why,
thank you, Hawkeye.
485
00:23:43,857 --> 00:23:46,686
My goodness.
It was effective, wasn't it?
486
00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:50,124
"Vengeance is mine,
sayeth the Lord."
487
00:23:50,167 --> 00:23:52,256
"Oh, ye generation of vipers."
488
00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:53,997
There goes a sweet,
lovable ham.
489
00:23:54,041 --> 00:23:56,478
Hawkeye?
490
00:23:56,522 --> 00:24:00,264
Perhaps I could broadcast
every Sunday.
491
00:24:00,308 --> 00:24:02,615
Yes. A commandment a week!
492
00:24:02,658 --> 00:24:04,312
I wonder if
thou shouldst.
493
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:10,710
Well, it was just a thought.
494
00:24:10,753 --> 00:24:12,494
♪♪ [theme]
39905
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