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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,178 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:55,229 --> 00:00:57,013 Sir. 3 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,407 Corporal Klinger reporting as ordered, sir. 4 00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,931 Yeah, I've signed about four miles of paperwork. 5 00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:04,064 -Get it started to Seoul. -Right away, sir. 6 00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:06,849 Give those mice at Headquarters something to nibble on. 7 00:01:06,892 --> 00:01:09,721 And I-- Klinger, you're out of uniform. 8 00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:12,159 I mean, uh, you're inuniform. 9 00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:15,031 -Yes, sir. -Was it something I said? 10 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,990 -No, sir. -Listen, if it's about that backless green sheath 11 00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:21,298 you wore on Friday, I only criticized it because it was too tight. 12 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:24,171 -That's all behind me, sir. -It certainly was. 13 00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:26,390 I sort of grew up over the weekend, sir. 14 00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:30,481 I realized I lovearmy life, and I wanna be a success at it, sir. 15 00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:32,179 And this is a way to start, sir. 16 00:01:32,222 --> 00:01:34,442 Klinger... 17 00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:38,185 -This is another Section Eight caper, right? -No, sir. 18 00:01:38,228 --> 00:01:39,969 We've staggered down this road before. 19 00:01:40,012 --> 00:01:41,884 You've got a razzle-dazzle going. 20 00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:43,886 -Wrong, sir, respectfully. -I'm gonna love this one. 21 00:01:43,929 --> 00:01:48,064 -It's got a lot of reverse topspin. -[phone ringing] 22 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,284 4077 MASH, Corporal Klinger. 23 00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:53,678 Yes, sir. Yes, sir! 24 00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:55,593 Headquarters, Colonel Abrams. 25 00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:57,073 Hi, Mike. What's the poop? 26 00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:01,208 Tomorrow, huh? What? 27 00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:02,992 Yeah, sure. Perimeter roadblocks. 28 00:02:03,035 --> 00:02:05,168 M.P.s will oversee it. 29 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,388 Okay, we'll cooperate. Adios. 30 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,914 All right, General Gung Ho. We got a job. 31 00:02:11,957 --> 00:02:14,569 Headquarters is gonna issue new military money. 32 00:02:14,612 --> 00:02:17,049 -We're exchanging scrip again, sir? -Got to. 33 00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:20,140 Only way to cross up the counterfeiters and the black marketeers. 34 00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:23,926 Therefore, this base will be closed to all traffic, in or out 35 00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:26,320 starting 1600 hours tomorrow. 36 00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:29,671 -No exceptions, comprende? -Si, si, sir. 37 00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,890 I better make an announcement. 38 00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:34,066 Give everybody time to dig out their old blue money 39 00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:36,156 and exchange it for red. 40 00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:39,333 After tomorrow, blue will be outdated. Worth zilch! 41 00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,509 Permission to take a ten-minute break, sir. 42 00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:45,295 -Granted. Why? -I'd like to get in some close order drill before lunch. 43 00:02:45,339 --> 00:02:47,732 -Ten-hut! -[heels click] 44 00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:52,215 About face! Forward, march! Hep, ho, hep, ho... 45 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,217 It's gotta be a caper. 46 00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,654 -120/60. -Is that good, Doc? 47 00:02:56,698 --> 00:03:00,136 Better than mine. For your condition, you're in great condition. 48 00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:04,271 Excuse me, sir. I'd like to talk to that man. 49 00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:06,838 Sarge, if you wanna arrest that guy, you're gonna have to wait about six weeks. 50 00:03:06,882 --> 00:03:09,232 -No, sir. He's a buddy of mine. -Oh, then go ahead. 51 00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:13,323 -How ya feelin', Boone? -[chuckles] All in one piece. 52 00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:16,152 Nurses told me they had you on that operating table for quite a while. 53 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,285 He was a good boy. He slept through the whole thing. 54 00:03:18,328 --> 00:03:21,244 And while he slept, we discovered shrapnel on his property. 55 00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:23,812 POTTER [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. This is Colonel Potter. 56 00:03:23,855 --> 00:03:27,511 -Prove it. -Tomorrow we'll be issued new army money. Red for blue. 57 00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:30,340 Have all your old scrip ready for the exchange 58 00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:33,343 or the only place you'll be able to use it is in the latrine. 59 00:03:33,387 --> 00:03:36,433 He's not talking to me. I lost all my money in the cockroach races. 60 00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:39,393 -I told you to stay away from the track. -How could I? It's in my bunk! 61 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:42,918 Hey, Maxwell. I got 400 I won in a crap game. 62 00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:44,702 Could you exchange it for me? I'm kinda laid up. 63 00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:47,270 Oh, in that case, sure. 64 00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:50,230 I appreciate what you gentlemen did for him. By the way, my name is Maxwell. 65 00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:52,623 If there's anything I can do for you, just let me know. 66 00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:54,582 How about arresting this war for disturbing the peace? 67 00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:58,194 That is very nice, Mr. Kim. 68 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,457 My compliments to your talented fingers. 69 00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:04,026 I tailoring very goodly for Winchester sansen. 70 00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:06,289 [chuckling] Goodly, indeed. 71 00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:08,291 Coat fits good over shoulder. 72 00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:11,729 Pants fit cute over tushy. 73 00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:14,297 -That's terribly colorful, Mr. Kim. -Roger Wilcox. 74 00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:15,994 Thirty-six bucks. You pay now. 75 00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:18,040 Mr. Kim, I have an idea 76 00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:21,957 that will mean much more money than that for the both of us. 77 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,828 I have a proposition. 78 00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:25,874 Thirty-three bucks. 79 00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:30,052 Mr. Kim, listen. Tomorrow the army is calling in old scrip. 80 00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:33,447 Ah, yeah. Red for blue. That news all over town. 81 00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:36,667 That scrip is meant only for military personnel. 82 00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:38,190 It's not meant for your people. 83 00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:39,888 However, I'm prepared to overlook that. 84 00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:43,152 -In fact, I am prepared to help them. -What kind of help? 85 00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:46,460 Tomorrow, Mr. Kim, we buy up from your people 86 00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:49,201 all the old scrip before the deadline, 87 00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:51,856 not quite at face value. 88 00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,597 How much not quite? 89 00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:56,078 Ten cents on the dollar. 90 00:04:57,514 --> 00:04:59,211 -Savvy? -I savvy. 91 00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:00,996 Ninety percent profit for you. 92 00:05:01,039 --> 00:05:03,520 Two percent of that is for you, Mr. Kim. 93 00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:06,828 Oh, you big sport. Thirty bucks. 94 00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:10,135 Mr. Kim, I need your help. 95 00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:13,269 Why you do this? You loaded American. 96 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:17,404 Buy tailor-made clothes. Please, 29 bucks. 97 00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:20,668 Mr. Kim! It's not the money. 98 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,759 It's the hunt. 99 00:05:24,802 --> 00:05:27,370 It's the challenge of scenting the spoor of opportunity 100 00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:30,286 and tracking it down. 101 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:34,725 Besides, we're merely acting as business agents for your people. 102 00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,423 They're not allowed on the base. 103 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:39,208 After tomorrow, the old scrip is worthless. 104 00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:42,211 We're doing them a big favor. 105 00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:44,039 Mr. Kim honest man. 106 00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:46,868 No can make phony baloney with my people. 107 00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:49,087 Please, $28. 108 00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,220 Mr. Kim, it is either a check now 109 00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:53,875 that may take the rest of the war to clear, 110 00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:57,226 or cash tomorrow if you help with my little plan. 111 00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:01,056 What time we leave tomorrow? 112 00:06:03,841 --> 00:06:06,148 I think I got a counterfeit bill. 113 00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:10,108 Looks legit to me. A perfect likeness of Mao Tse-tung. 114 00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:12,067 I don't know. "In Buddha we trust"? 115 00:06:13,721 --> 00:06:17,202 -Ah, Mr. Kim. -Of Hart, Schaffner and Kim. 116 00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:20,423 Hawkeye sansen. B.J. sansen. 117 00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,730 Are you adding to the Winchester wardrobe? 118 00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:25,689 I add to his wardrobe, but he no add to my pocket. 119 00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:28,692 -He didn't pay you? -He only pay me compliment. 120 00:06:28,736 --> 00:06:32,217 Holding money back until I help him with big deal. 121 00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:33,697 What's the big deal? 122 00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:36,483 All around my village, they got old money. 123 00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:39,050 He make me take him tomorrow. 124 00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:43,794 Buy one dollar scrip from people and pay only ten cents. 125 00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,796 -You, uh... -Yeah. 126 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,798 You hang on, Mr. Kim. We'll see what we can do. 127 00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:50,192 Mr. Kim very grateful. 128 00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,237 Dress shirt in it for both of you. 129 00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,503 -How about that? -Charles is just what this place needs, 130 00:06:56,546 --> 00:06:58,548 -a robber baron who makes house calls. -It's greed. 131 00:06:58,592 --> 00:06:59,941 He's basically a greedy fink. 132 00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:01,943 All we need is a way to sink that fink. 133 00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,729 Where'd you get all this money, kid? 134 00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:07,731 Nine straight passes. 135 00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:10,691 Then someone rolled a grenade in the game, and we all crapped out. 136 00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:15,347 -Well, this will all be new scrip tomorrow. Gotta run. -[chuckles] 137 00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:18,133 Sergeant, we'd like to take you up on that favor. 138 00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:21,310 -Name it. -We want you to play a game of cops and robbers tomorrow. 139 00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,225 -We'll supply the robber. -Where? 140 00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:25,488 -A couple of miles out of camp. -Well, what time? 141 00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:28,230 -About 1500, 1600 hours. -Give or take a hundred hours. 142 00:07:28,273 --> 00:07:29,927 Ah, sorry, guys. I can't. 143 00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:32,539 I gotta be here to exchange Boone's scrip. 144 00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,759 Well, I tell you what. You do us our favor, and we'll do you his favor. 145 00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,805 We love to exchange favors. 146 00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,067 Okay with you, Boone? 147 00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:41,461 I guess so. I trusted them with my life. 148 00:07:41,504 --> 00:07:43,463 You got a deal. 149 00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:47,597 -May I join you, Father? -Mm, of course. 150 00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,643 I just want to pay you the money I owe you. 151 00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:51,558 Oh, w-well, sit right here. 152 00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:56,171 Thanks. And bless you for an honest woman. 153 00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:58,129 [chuckles] 154 00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,392 Oh, uh, don't you owe me another 10? 155 00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:02,786 -No. -Oops! Sorry. [chuckles] 156 00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:04,527 They were stuck together. 157 00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:07,312 -Ah, shearing the flock again, Father? -Yes. 158 00:08:07,356 --> 00:08:10,794 And I was one of the lambs. He clipped me for 23 bucks. 159 00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:13,449 [laughs] As a matter of fact, she was holding a straight 160 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,451 and tried to sandbag me. 161 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,498 I had a full house. But it's all worthwhile, mind you. 162 00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,456 For the children's Christmas fund. 163 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,328 I can see it all now. Father Mulcahy, Bishop of Las Vegas. 164 00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:25,200 -[laughing] -Ah, look who's here. 165 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:27,594 -Oh, hi, Colonel. -Hello, Colonel. 166 00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:30,379 -You'll never believe what I'm gonna tell you. -Then why listen? Where were we? 167 00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:35,297 Pierce, sometimes you can be very amusing. And then there's now. 168 00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:36,472 Ah. Sorry. 169 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:38,213 I have an order from Headquarters 170 00:08:38,256 --> 00:08:42,304 to give an entrance examination to West Point to-- 171 00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:44,828 Are you ready for this? Corporal Max Klinger. 172 00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:47,875 -You're right. I don't believe it. -West Point? 173 00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:48,919 That's impossible. 174 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,965 God works in mysterious ways, 175 00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:52,662 but this is a corker. 176 00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,272 By special messenger yet. 177 00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:57,580 Obviously, some Toledo politician has gone wacko! 178 00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,843 Ah, how time flies. 179 00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:02,063 One day our little brown-eyed girl is running around 180 00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,586 in a big floppy hat and a beard, 181 00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,109 and the next day, she's off to West Point. 182 00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:08,373 He did it. That brilliant screwball finally did it. 183 00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:10,462 He's getting out of the service by joining the army. 184 00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:14,162 To think that loony bird will be attending the same school 185 00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:16,207 that produced MacArthur and myDonald. 186 00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:17,948 Makes me want to retch. 187 00:09:17,992 --> 00:09:19,733 Yeah, how could Klinger pick a place like that? 188 00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:22,431 -You! -I take it back! I take it back! 189 00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:26,783 Hep, ho, hep, ho, hep, ho, hep, ho, hep, ho! Detail, halt! 190 00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:28,176 There's "Old Nose and Guts" now. 191 00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:29,873 Oh, Field Marshal? 192 00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,093 Sir! 193 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,403 -You wanted me, sir? -Klinger? 194 00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:42,799 Your application to be tested for West Point has been green-lighted. 195 00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:45,410 Excellent, sir. A plebe at last, sir. 196 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:49,197 -When do I leave, sir? -As soon as you knock off the "sirs" and pass the test! 197 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,851 Child's play for a cadet. 198 00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:54,419 -Congratulations, my boy. -Thank you, Father. 199 00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:56,900 Klinger, how did you pull it off? 200 00:09:56,944 --> 00:09:58,685 It was my Uncle Gus, sir. 201 00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:00,556 That the uncle that got out of World War I 202 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,558 -as your Aunt Gussie? -Yes, sir. 203 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,605 He's, uh, "good buddies" with a certain congressman. 204 00:10:05,648 --> 00:10:08,085 And catered the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. 205 00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:09,434 He's a biggie, sir. 206 00:10:09,478 --> 00:10:10,958 Connections. 207 00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,829 Why is it always connections? 208 00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:16,311 Sure. Uncle Gus calls congressman. Congressman calls Pentagon. 209 00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:18,792 And voila. The debutante with the hairy legs becomes a cadet. 210 00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:21,751 All right, Klinger. Get ready for the exam. Dismissed. 211 00:10:21,795 --> 00:10:23,884 Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! 212 00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:26,060 I think we have a wonderful chance of beating Navy this year, sir. 213 00:10:26,103 --> 00:10:28,628 -More than dismissed! -[heels click] 214 00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,589 I'd have thought my horse would have a better chance 215 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,373 of getting into West Point. 216 00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:37,941 -On looks alone. -Probably figured it was easier... 217 00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:39,595 to get thrown out of West Point than Korea. 218 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,510 Sure. First exam they give him, he cheats. 219 00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:43,251 They catch him, throw him out, and he's free. 220 00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:44,948 He's not there yet. 221 00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:47,864 They don't just let in any Tom, Dick and Mary. 222 00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:50,562 Imagine, a chance to go to the Point. 223 00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:53,348 Keep your hopes up. Maybe someday they'll let in women. 224 00:10:53,391 --> 00:10:55,219 Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful? 225 00:10:55,263 --> 00:10:57,700 Oh, yeah. It would give a whole new meaning to "lights out." 226 00:10:57,744 --> 00:11:00,703 Hey, Zale, where's my money? I'm goin' on R and R. 227 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:03,184 Oh, yeah. Sure, kid. Here, hold this. 228 00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:05,229 That's, uh... 229 00:11:05,273 --> 00:11:08,276 five, 10, 20. 230 00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:12,019 There you go. Do everything I'll be dreamin' to do. 231 00:11:12,062 --> 00:11:14,021 Hmm. Wait a second, Zale. 232 00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:16,240 You said double or nothing. Where's the other 20? 233 00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:19,287 -I said double or nothin' to 10. -Twenty, you welsher! 234 00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:22,333 -Ten, you thief! -You wanna hold it down. We're trying to swallow. 235 00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:24,684 -Thief? -Sorry. Rotten crook! 236 00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:28,165 Here. Eat those words! 237 00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,080 I'll kill him! I'll kill him! 238 00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,387 Why do they always start the show during dinner? 239 00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:35,303 -Let's stop them before they get hurt. -I hate the sight of ketchup. 240 00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:39,568 [shouting] 241 00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:41,265 Break it up! 242 00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:43,398 Yes, sir, as soon as I rearrange his teeth! 243 00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:46,140 Zale, those who live by the sword shall perish by the sword. 244 00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:49,360 Aw, forget it, Father. I'm just gonna break the jawbone of an ass! 245 00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,623 -You take Zsa Zsa. I'll get Eva. -Come on. 246 00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:53,625 Come on, come on. Break it up. 247 00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:56,280 You two palookas are confined to quarters for 48 hours. 248 00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,760 But I'm going on R and R, sir. 249 00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:59,501 Would you like to try for double or nothing? 250 00:11:59,544 --> 00:12:03,810 -No, sir. -Then hit the showers. Rest of you, as you were. 251 00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:06,160 Come on! 252 00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,292 Well, that got us out of dinner, anyway. 253 00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,817 Shall we pass up dessert? It's marble cake. 254 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,167 -I didn't bring my chisel. -Race you to the latrine. 255 00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:15,952 Oh, wait a minute. That guy's money. Wait a sec. 256 00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:25,745 Anybody see a canvas bag? 257 00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:29,661 Anybody see somebody steala canvas bag? 258 00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:35,189 Anybody ever see a captain chew up a tent? 259 00:12:48,158 --> 00:12:50,726 -Charles... -Don't bother asking, Pierce. The answer's still no. 260 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,728 How do you know I'm gonna ask for money again? 261 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,470 -Oh. All right. What is it? -Can I borrow 400? 262 00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,515 Pierce, for the last time, 263 00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:59,561 all my money is tied up in a financial venture. 264 00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:01,737 Give an I.O.U. to your patient 265 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,435 but don't penalize me for your gross negligence, 266 00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,437 your bungling carelessness, your stupid-- 267 00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:08,439 I need a loan, not a lecture. Forget it. 268 00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:10,790 Yeah, he wouldn't take your money if you got on your hands and knees. 269 00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:12,443 Wait a minute. Not so fast. Try me. 270 00:13:12,487 --> 00:13:15,620 I will see you later at the exchange, Pierce, 271 00:13:15,664 --> 00:13:17,535 if, of course, you don't lose your way. 272 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,146 [mocking chuckle] 273 00:13:19,189 --> 00:13:21,104 Yeah, a fool and his money have just departed. 274 00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:23,628 What am I gonna do? I can't beg, I can't borrow, 275 00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:25,674 I can't catch the guy who knows how to steal. 276 00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:27,632 If you're Charles, you just give the patient 277 00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,983 a bill for 400 and call the whole thing even. 278 00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:32,333 I'm gonna go in there and tell Boone the truth. 279 00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:34,988 I better go alone. There's no sense his beating up the both of us. 280 00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,251 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. 281 00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,862 Exchange of scrip will begin at 1600 hours. 282 00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:42,430 Bring your cash before it turns to trash. 283 00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:53,006 Come, Mr. Kim. We haven't much time. 284 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,659 Just keep my shirt on. 285 00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:05,235 -How you feeling, Boone? -Better. Thanks. 286 00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,716 Better. Good. That's good. Good. 287 00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,981 -Good. -Everything okay, Doc? 288 00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:14,766 Oh, yeah, yeah. Everything's good. Very good. 289 00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,072 Well, no, not so good. 290 00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:18,466 Uh, actually, it stinks. 291 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,122 [sighs] Boone, somebody stole your money. 292 00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:24,776 -What? -There was a fight in the Mess Tent. 293 00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:27,127 I turned my back for two seconds, and the bag was gone. 294 00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:29,738 You telling me I'm out 400? 295 00:14:29,781 --> 00:14:31,958 No, you're fine. I'm out 400. 296 00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,656 I'll wire my father and have it for you in a couple of days. 297 00:14:34,699 --> 00:14:36,745 Oh, sure. They're shipping me out tomorrow. 298 00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:39,139 -I'll send it to you. -Yeah. 299 00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:40,314 And you'll go out of your way to get it to me. 300 00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:41,924 -Right? -That's right. Yes. 301 00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,100 Doc, don't try to con an M.P. 302 00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:45,623 I've seen scams like this before, 303 00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:48,757 and from higher-ranking officers than you! 304 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,238 If I weren't flat on my back, you'd be flat on yours. 305 00:14:51,281 --> 00:14:54,937 -Boone, I give you my word. -Aw, get out of here, phony! 306 00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,983 All right, you believe what you want. 307 00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,202 You're gonna get that money back, whether you like it or not. 308 00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:02,466 Hawkeye, I heard about the $400, and I am shocked! 309 00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:04,947 -Father, he'll get it back. -Well, I know he will, 310 00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:08,995 but I'm appalled at this venal breach of one of God's commandments. 311 00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:12,389 I'm going to broadcast an appeal to the conscience of the thief. 312 00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:15,436 Just in case, tell him there's a five-dollar reward in it for him. 313 00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:18,874 [clears throat, blows] Attention, all personnel. 314 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,530 Well, uh, not all personnel. 315 00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:26,229 This is Father Mulcahy, addressing the one personnel 316 00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:29,929 who stole the money entrusted to Captain Pierce. 317 00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:32,888 You may think you've reaped a profit by this act, 318 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,760 but as ye sow, so shall ye reap! 319 00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:37,762 Robbery itself is a sin, 320 00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:39,764 but robbery of your comrades-in-arms 321 00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:43,768 is an abomination before the Lord and a really dirty trick! 322 00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:47,381 -That should do it, Father. -Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord! 323 00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:49,818 -Oh, ye generation of vipers! -I think that did it. 324 00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:52,864 And he who blasphemeth against the Holy Spirit 325 00:15:52,908 --> 00:15:54,997 better that man had never been born! 326 00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:58,783 -We're a little late, so good night, folks. -Uh, yes. 327 00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:01,699 Well, uh, bless one and all. 328 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,007 [switch clicks] 329 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:07,227 Uh, how'd I do? 330 00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:09,969 Father, if that guy doesn't return the 400, he's deaf. 331 00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:15,017 Ninety-two, ninety-three ninety-four, ninety-five. 332 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:17,802 You've only got 95 scrip dollars here, fellow. 333 00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:21,110 But I can be generous. 334 00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:25,854 Here is a brand-new, crisp, Yankee ten-dollar bill. 335 00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:29,727 Thank you. Uh, gentlemen. 336 00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:32,730 With all due respect to your national custom, 337 00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:36,082 could we all please hold the bowing to a minimum? 338 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:40,521 Just one sort of group bow when I leave. 339 00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:43,524 Thank you very much. Now, is there anyone I haven't changed? 340 00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:45,874 I think Major finish off all people. 341 00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:49,051 Good, because I have to be getting back. 342 00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,358 Thank you all, gentlemen, very much. 343 00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:54,361 I hope this little transaction has helped to cement the bonds of friendship 344 00:16:54,404 --> 00:16:57,494 between our two great nations. 345 00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,975 Very well. Now you may bow. 346 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,934 -Ha so. -Thank you. 347 00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:05,894 Why can't they just shake hands like everybody else? 348 00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,418 -[engine starts] -Au revoir. 349 00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:13,597 That G.I. Joe your friend? 350 00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:15,686 I only make tailoring for him. 351 00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:18,428 May the seat of his pants turn into scorpion. 352 00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:22,519 Corporal Klinger, sir. 353 00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:25,305 Ready to take the West Point exam. 354 00:17:25,348 --> 00:17:27,655 -All right, Klinger. Sit right there. -Yes, sir. 355 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,789 Ready! Sit! 356 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,097 Ready, sir. 357 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,795 This examination will consist of several parts 358 00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:39,362 covering general intelligence, 359 00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:41,886 math, history, geography, world politics, 360 00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:46,021 the role of the military in national development, and the law. 361 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,718 I'm kind of weak on law. 362 00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:49,459 But very strong on getting around it. 363 00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:51,505 You have three hours to complete the questions. 364 00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,855 B.J. and I will be proctoring you. 365 00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:56,205 I already had my physical, sir! 366 00:17:57,946 --> 00:18:00,035 -Ahem! All set? -Oh, yes, sir. 367 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,558 [clears throat] 368 00:18:01,602 --> 00:18:04,344 Okay. Go. And good luck. 369 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,087 "Mary's mother sent her to the store 370 00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,785 "to get nine large cans of beans. 371 00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:15,529 "Mary could only carry two cans at a time. 372 00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:19,315 How many trips to the store did Mary have to make?" 373 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:22,275 -Sir, do I get time for coffee breaks? -Negative. 374 00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:26,366 -You have three hours. -It'll take most of that to answer this question. 375 00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:29,978 What kind of a family would only feed their children beans? 376 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,856 Sorry, Major. No vehicles beyond this point. 377 00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,642 "No vehicles beyond..." That's utterly ridiculous! 378 00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:43,252 Well, the road's been mined, sir. 379 00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:46,081 Now, look here, uh, Sergeant. 380 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,649 I'm with the, uh, 4077 MASH, 381 00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:51,173 and I have to get back for a very important operation. 382 00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,957 I'm a surgeon. You see? 383 00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:55,177 Well, I've got my orders, sir. 384 00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,701 Look, Sergeant. It is imperative that I rejoin my unit! 385 00:18:57,745 --> 00:19:01,314 Sir, the 4077 is over there, just the other side of the hill. 386 00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:03,968 If you start walking, you can probably be there in about an hour. 387 00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,796 I haven't got an hour. 388 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,624 Well, then you'd better run, sir. 389 00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:09,539 Don't get impudent with me. 390 00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,715 Just trying to be helpful, sir. 391 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,026 This is without a doubt 392 00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:20,202 the most inconvenient war in history. 393 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,515 Sir, I don't understand this question. 394 00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:31,387 It's perfectly understandable to me, Klinger. 395 00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:34,085 "Describe the political changes which came about 396 00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:36,871 as a result of Napoleon's defeat at the Battle of Waterloo." 397 00:19:36,914 --> 00:19:39,613 That's an illegal trick question. 398 00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:42,355 Klinger, what happened after the Battle of Waterloo? 399 00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:44,792 Well, uh, soldiers went home. 400 00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:49,623 The kids were glad to see their fathers. 401 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,059 The wives were glad to see their husbands. 402 00:19:51,102 --> 00:19:52,669 They ate some snails and like that. 403 00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:56,543 And we thought he didn't know the answer. 404 00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:59,110 I'm gonna get a drink. 405 00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:04,768 Wheelbarrow lady! 4077? MASH? 406 00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:06,770 -[speaking Korean] -You're sure? 407 00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:09,512 -[speaking Korean] -Thank you. Thank you, little mother. 408 00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:12,733 For your trouble. Bless you. 409 00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:14,909 "Physical similarities have been noted 410 00:20:14,952 --> 00:20:16,998 "between the Eskimos of the Arctic 411 00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:19,870 "and Mayan Indians of the Southern Hemisphere. 412 00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:23,613 Give three theories for this 'phenomenum.'" 413 00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:26,964 -Traveling salesmen? -Now I'llhave a drink. 414 00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,532 Could you give me a little hint? Any help at all. 415 00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:32,448 It's an exam, Klinger. It's against the rules. 416 00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:34,363 Oh, what kind of a test is this? 417 00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:36,844 Math, geography, history. 418 00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:38,280 Why don't they ask me what kind of earrings 419 00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,934 to wear for an afternoon drill 420 00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:42,502 or how to accessorize those drab gray tunics? 421 00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:44,417 They save that important stuff till your senior year. 422 00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,680 Sir, I'm pleading with you. 423 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:49,204 Help me get just one thing right. 424 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,119 All right. I shouldn't do this. 425 00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:55,036 You spell Klinger with one "G." 426 00:20:55,079 --> 00:20:57,517 Oh. Thank you, sir. I was nervous. 427 00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,043 -Now, about these Eskimos. -No dice, kid. 428 00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:04,654 You mean I've washed out? 429 00:21:04,698 --> 00:21:07,266 First thing you got right all day. 430 00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:14,273 MAN [over P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. 431 00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:16,275 Scrip exchange will begin in one minute. 432 00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:19,582 Proceed in a calm and orderly fashion to the exchange table. 433 00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:21,584 [shouting] 434 00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:22,716 WOMAN: Watch your hands! 435 00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:26,459 Well, I got 45 bucks of my own. 436 00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:28,243 At least I can give Boone a down payment. 437 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:29,853 Cheer up. You're no worse off than Charles. 438 00:21:29,897 --> 00:21:31,507 I hope that's one crook we've caught. 439 00:21:31,551 --> 00:21:33,509 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. 440 00:21:33,553 --> 00:21:35,816 Scrip exchange is now under way. 441 00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:38,775 No one allowed in or out until exchange is completed. 442 00:21:38,819 --> 00:21:40,777 -[whistle blows] -Halt! 443 00:21:40,821 --> 00:21:42,823 Halt? What do you mean? What do you mean, "Halt"? 444 00:21:42,866 --> 00:21:44,825 "Halt," as in "stop," sir! 445 00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:47,480 -I-I'm coming in immediately. -Belay that, sir! 446 00:21:47,523 --> 00:21:50,265 No one allowed aboard till further notice. Orders from the bridge, sir! 447 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,876 -Bridge? -Aye, aye, sir. 448 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,184 Nonsense! What are you doing in a hat? 449 00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:58,752 I expect to be a midshipman at Annapolis very soon, sir. 450 00:21:58,795 --> 00:22:01,537 I think we have a wonderful chance to beat Army this year. 451 00:22:01,581 --> 00:22:03,844 Get out of the way, Popeye! 452 00:22:03,887 --> 00:22:06,716 Permission to come aboard denied, sir! 453 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,588 I've got to exchange all this! 454 00:22:08,631 --> 00:22:11,634 -You can deep-six it, sir. -Pierce, Hunnicutt, 455 00:22:11,678 --> 00:22:13,897 will you tell this saltwater daffy to let me in! 456 00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:16,944 Sorry, his job is to keep out the riff-raff and the profiteers. 457 00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:20,034 If I don't get in to exchange this, it will all be worthless! 458 00:22:20,077 --> 00:22:22,341 Will you gentlemen exchange this for me? 459 00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,778 Oh, no. You see, that's against the rules. 460 00:22:24,821 --> 00:22:26,997 Well, wait a minute. Maybe we could bend the rules just a tad. 461 00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:28,999 -You think so? Well... -Let me see what you got. 462 00:22:29,043 --> 00:22:32,525 Uh, those bundles, uh, are bills in hundred-dollar increments. 463 00:22:32,568 --> 00:22:35,528 Okay. At ten cents on the dollar 464 00:22:35,571 --> 00:22:37,878 that comes out to $40 for 400. 465 00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:41,577 -Forty? -That's right. Boone gets his, and you get yours. 466 00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:43,666 You keep this with our compliments. 467 00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:47,453 Why, this is highway robbery! 468 00:22:47,496 --> 00:22:49,672 -Oh, uh, Shore Patrol. -Aye, aye, sir! 469 00:22:49,716 --> 00:22:53,284 Would you take care of this man? He wants to report a crime. 470 00:22:53,328 --> 00:22:55,112 Now, what's your problem, sir? 471 00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:06,167 Three fifty, three seventy-five, 472 00:23:06,210 --> 00:23:08,996 $400 in brand-new scrip, hot off the press. 473 00:23:09,039 --> 00:23:12,173 Boy, I never expected to see this again, or you. 474 00:23:12,216 --> 00:23:15,002 Hey, I'm-- I'm sorry for what I said, Doc. 475 00:23:15,045 --> 00:23:18,484 I don't blame you. It's probably my shifty eyes and the white mask I wear. 476 00:23:18,527 --> 00:23:22,879 Hawkeye! The money! It was returned! 477 00:23:22,923 --> 00:23:25,055 Somebody left the money in my tent, 478 00:23:25,099 --> 00:23:27,101 and in brand-new scrip. 479 00:23:27,144 --> 00:23:29,756 -My speech worked. -It certainly did, Father. 480 00:23:29,799 --> 00:23:32,889 Look at this. Another 400 from another thief. 481 00:23:32,933 --> 00:23:37,198 My. Two atonements, with one speech. 482 00:23:37,241 --> 00:23:38,939 Why don't you keep this, Father? 483 00:23:38,982 --> 00:23:40,810 Take the orphans out for dinner and a show. 484 00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:43,813 Oh, why, thank you, Hawkeye. 485 00:23:43,857 --> 00:23:46,686 My goodness. It was effective, wasn't it? 486 00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:50,124 "Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord." 487 00:23:50,167 --> 00:23:52,256 "Oh, ye generation of vipers." 488 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:53,997 There goes a sweet, lovable ham. 489 00:23:54,041 --> 00:23:56,478 Hawkeye? 490 00:23:56,522 --> 00:24:00,264 Perhaps I could broadcast every Sunday. 491 00:24:00,308 --> 00:24:02,615 Yes. A commandment a week! 492 00:24:02,658 --> 00:24:04,312 I wonder if thou shouldst. 493 00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:10,710 Well, it was just a thought. 494 00:24:10,753 --> 00:24:12,494 ♪♪ [theme] 39905

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