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♪♪ [theme]
2
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Attention,
all personnel.
3
00:00:57,318 --> 00:00:59,494
You're not gonna
believe this, folks,
4
00:00:59,537 --> 00:01:01,539
but there's a new shipment
of wounded in the compound.
5
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:03,628
Please report for triage.
6
00:01:03,672 --> 00:01:04,716
I told you
you wouldn't believe it.
7
00:01:11,984 --> 00:01:13,769
We've got
multiple compound fractures,
and severe abdominal trauma.
8
00:01:13,812 --> 00:01:15,292
This guy better go first.
9
00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:17,947
I got a sucking chest
in the balcony, Doctor.
10
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:19,253
This guy better go
before first.
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00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:21,820
Whole blood
and prep him, stat.
12
00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:23,648
-Get that down tight, will ya?
-Yes.
13
00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:26,999
Sidney, what are you
doing here?
14
00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:29,915
I don't know. I thought I was
getting on the cross-town bus.
15
00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:32,135
Do you give transfers here?
16
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,355
How did you get this red stuff
all over your head?
17
00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:35,921
Well, you might find it
hard to believe,
18
00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:37,967
but I was doing therapy
in a foxhole
19
00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:39,969
with that boy.
20
00:01:40,012 --> 00:01:42,189
We started to get overrun by
some of those Chinese fellas.
21
00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:43,799
Oh, group therapy.
22
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:45,496
Then to discourage
the Chinese,
23
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:48,412
our artillery started
lobbing shells into the area.
24
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:50,371
That discouraged all of us.
25
00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:52,982
-How's my tuchus?
-Fine.
Just a little diaper rash.
26
00:01:53,025 --> 00:01:55,027
Get the clothes off these
Chinese patients,
27
00:01:55,071 --> 00:01:57,682
add 'em to
the Chinese uniforms we got
from our last session,
28
00:01:57,726 --> 00:02:00,990
-and burn 'em.
They're infested.
-Yes, sir.
29
00:02:01,033 --> 00:02:03,906
Sidney, what happened?
30
00:02:03,949 --> 00:02:05,734
Well,
it's a long story,
31
00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:07,866
but it's the last house call
I'll ever make.
32
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:11,305
When I first saw this boy,
he had to be carried into
my office.
33
00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:15,483
He wasn't wounded. He'd seen
three of his buddies killed
in 24 hours.
34
00:02:15,526 --> 00:02:18,877
Hysterical paralysis.
How'd you get him back
to the front?
35
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:21,228
We used to send
these cases home.
36
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:24,056
-The problems just stuck
with them all their lives.
-Hmm.
37
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:26,755
But if the trauma
is recent enough
38
00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:29,453
and the defenses haven't
built up to the point where
they'll resist treatment,
39
00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:31,368
-it'll yield to talking.
-Hmm.
40
00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:33,414
But you gotta get them
right back to their unit.
41
00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:35,894
So how come you wound up
in the foxhole?
42
00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:38,723
Doing a follow-up.
You can't just send
them out and forget 'em.
43
00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,725
Major Winchester,
I'm terribly sorry.
44
00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:42,901
Would you mind stepping outside
and scrubbing up?
45
00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:45,774
[chuckling]
I kind of doubt that'll be
necessary, Major.
46
00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:48,124
I just spent seven and a half
minutes scrubbing.
47
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,258
-Yes, but that was before
you touched your nose.
-I beg your pardon.
48
00:02:51,301 --> 00:02:54,130
Your nose.
You touched your nose.
You're no longer sterile.
49
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,219
If you operate now,
you'll contaminate the field.
50
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:59,091
Of course. That is precisely
what I would do, if in fact
51
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:01,181
I had touched my nose,
which I didn't.
52
00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:03,313
Major, I saw you
touch your nose!
53
00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:05,576
Major, do you think
my face is insensate?
54
00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:08,013
Don't you think if
I had touched my nose,
I would have felt it?
55
00:03:08,057 --> 00:03:10,668
I just felt
something over my lip.
Maybe you touched my nose.
56
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:12,366
You touch his nose, Charles,
you'll have to marry him.
57
00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:16,892
Colonel Potter, I clearly saw
Major Winchester touch his nose.
58
00:03:16,935 --> 00:03:19,721
-You naughty boy.
-Colonel, I refuse to spend
59
00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:21,288
another seven and a half minutes
scrubbing up
60
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:23,420
because of this woman's
paranoid hallucinations!
61
00:03:23,464 --> 00:03:25,466
She's a pretty good observer,
Winchester.
62
00:03:25,509 --> 00:03:28,251
I did not touch my no--
I did not touch my nose.
63
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:31,733
You did touch your nose!
I saw you touch your nose!
64
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:34,779
It's the battle of the noses,
ladies and gentlemen.
Who do you think is ahead?
65
00:03:34,823 --> 00:03:36,216
Well, Winchester
was ahead for a while,
66
00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:37,913
-but he blew it.
-Say, that's disgusting.
67
00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:40,394
How am I expected
to operate in here
68
00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:42,874
if I must continually leave
to wash my hands?
69
00:03:42,918 --> 00:03:46,748
-ALL: Don't touch your nose!
-CHARLES: Idiots.
70
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:49,490
Careful you don't scald yourself
with that coffee, Major.
71
00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:51,405
You have definite problems
with depth perception.
72
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:54,669
Oh, I know what I saw, Major.
A nose is a nose is a nose.
73
00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,453
Where are you two kids
gonna be eating?
74
00:03:56,497 --> 00:03:58,586
I'd like to sit
on the other side of Korea.
75
00:03:58,629 --> 00:04:00,675
-Why don't you stuff it?
-What are you getting mad
at me for?
76
00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:02,546
-I didn't touch my nose.
-But youdid.
77
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:04,635
-No, I did not.
-You did.
78
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:07,072
-You most certainly did!
-I did not touch my nose!
79
00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:10,511
Excuse me, sir.
Mommy's got dinner ready,
but I can't find my daddy.
80
00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:12,469
He's this big hairy man
in an undershirt.
81
00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:14,819
Fascinating case, eh, Sidney?
What do you make of it?
82
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:17,474
Well, it's either a serious
regression to childhood
83
00:04:17,518 --> 00:04:19,998
or possibly some kind
of borderline schizophrenia.
84
00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:23,524
Regression. That one.
All of a sudden
I feel real small, you know?
85
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,439
Maybe I should sit down
and tell you about it.
86
00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:27,267
I'm so glad we're not
late for the dinner show.
87
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:30,487
Toast of Broadway
strikes again.
88
00:04:30,531 --> 00:04:32,794
-I got it. Smell this.
-Oh, come on.
Don't start with me.
89
00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:35,318
-I know what it smells like.
-I mean it. I can't eat
if you do that.
90
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:38,495
Just take a sniff.
91
00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:42,238
If you took a raw egg
and buried it in a shoe
under a chicken coop.
92
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,371
I told you not to do that!
How am I gonna eat this stuff?
93
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:47,374
-Am I right? But a brown egg.
A brown egg, right?
-Will you shut up?
94
00:04:49,550 --> 00:04:51,943
Who gave you permission to steal
my personal private property?
95
00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:53,467
I'll tell my daddy
you did that.
96
00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:54,816
He's got big long
hairy arms.
97
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:56,339
So's your old man.
98
00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:57,558
Radar, I need it.
It proves I'm crazy.
99
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,734
Major Freedman
said so himself.
100
00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:01,779
Oh! t proves you're crazy
'cause you carry a teddy bear,
huh?
101
00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:03,694
Will you stop
tryin' to queer this,
I'm halfway home?
102
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:05,130
How'd ya like to get
knocked all the way home?
103
00:05:05,174 --> 00:05:06,915
Smell this.
104
00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:09,874
Will you, for crying out loud,
stop making me smell your food?
105
00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:12,921
-I can't eat as it is!
-You know, you're completely
deficient in imagination.
106
00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:15,793
-You're completely deficient.
-Let's have it quiet in here.
107
00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:18,100
-Look what you're doin'!
You're hurting him!
-I haven't done a thing!
108
00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:19,841
Let's calm down.
109
00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:22,147
-Just give it a little try.
Come on.
-No!
110
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:24,367
-If anyone touched
my nose, you did!
-Huh!
111
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:27,283
I wouldn't touch your nose
with a ten-foot pole!
112
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,416
-Hello. Testing.
-[loud chattering]
113
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-One, two, three.
-[chattering continues]
114
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:40,340
Sidney, wait up.
115
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:43,125
I'm kind of glad you're here.
These people are fallin' apart.
116
00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:45,127
-How long they been
acting like that?
-Couple of weeks.
117
00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:47,129
No rest.
Nothin' but work.
118
00:05:47,172 --> 00:05:50,393
This unit is running
as smoothly as a pig on stilts.
119
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,961
It was a little quieter
in that foxhole this morning.
120
00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:55,224
Sidney, what would you say
to seeing a few of the folk...
121
00:05:55,267 --> 00:05:58,532
-on an informal basis while
you're here?
-Sure. Why not?
122
00:05:58,575 --> 00:06:03,101
Use the V.I.P. tent.
I'll discreetly direct a few
of the loonier ones your way.
123
00:06:03,145 --> 00:06:07,236
Just make sure they come in
one at a time.
124
00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:10,239
Listen, I'm no head doctor,
but I think they need a little
diversion.
125
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:12,110
You know, something to break
the routine.
126
00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:14,330
Some square dancing or some--
127
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:17,899
Sure! Square dancing.
That's the ticket!
128
00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:20,684
-They're kind of exhausted...
-Look, I'm their commanding
officer.
129
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:23,383
If I say dance, they hoof.
130
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,432
Did you hear what I said?
131
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:34,306
Maybe you better
save an hour for me.
132
00:06:34,350 --> 00:06:37,179
Watch out, Major.
We're gonna light
a fire here. So stand back.
133
00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:39,399
Will you hold on?
I got another load
to put on there.
134
00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:42,140
So put it on. What do I care?
I wanna go to dinner.
135
00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:44,360
-I haven't eaten
since reveille.
-What's the fire for?
136
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,884
We're burning
the Chinese uniforms.
They're infested.
137
00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:49,887
If we had to burn every louse
in this camp,
we'd have to burn this camp.
138
00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:52,107
Look, I just wanna
do my job and go and eat.
139
00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:54,283
-Am I stoppin' you?
-You keep passin' remarks
back and forth.
140
00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:56,111
Trouble with you is
you're too sensitive!
141
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:58,113
-[knocking]
-SIDNEY: Come in.
142
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:01,725
I hope I'm not
disturbing you, Major.
143
00:07:01,769 --> 00:07:05,686
Not at all.
Nice to see you, Major.
144
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:09,167
Well, I'm here primarily
as a favor to Colonel Potter.
145
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,169
Sure. What's up?
146
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:15,957
I have a problem by the name
of Charles Emerson Winchester.
147
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,611
Winchester is your problem?
148
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:20,265
-He's insane.
-Really?
149
00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:22,920
He has no grasp of reality.
150
00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:24,922
[chuckling]
151
00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:29,318
For instance, uh,
just to give you an example--
152
00:07:29,361 --> 00:07:31,494
It's insignificant really.
153
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:35,019
He touched his nose in surgery
and won't admit it!
154
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:37,718
Is that crazy,
or is that crazy?
155
00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:40,982
Classic. How often
does he go for his nose?
156
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:43,201
The point is he denies it!
157
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:45,334
He's completely irrational!
158
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,467
How do I know what
he'll try to touch next?
159
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:49,425
Aha!
160
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,167
What's that supposed to mean?
161
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:54,952
"Aha." I know an "aha"
when I hear one.
162
00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:58,347
-You think I'm infatuated
with him, don't you?
-Is that what I think?
163
00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:01,306
Well, let me set your mind
at ease, Major.
164
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:03,570
The only reason he goes
for his nose is because
165
00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:06,355
it's the only living thing
around here that would have him!
166
00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:08,357
Oh, I don't know.
He seems like a decent person.
167
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,359
Intelligent,
a certain amount of wit.
168
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,796
And money.
Let's not forget his money,
169
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,059
which he's constantly
flaunting in front of us
170
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:19,411
with his laundered hankies
and his monogrammed caviar.
171
00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:23,241
-I suppose you think
I find money attractive.
-I have no idea.
172
00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:26,288
Money is far down
on my list, Major.
173
00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:28,943
Money comes second,
maybe even third.
174
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:34,296
Second.
175
00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:38,300
Anyway, the man is
totally self-absorbed!
176
00:08:38,343 --> 00:08:40,171
What do you think of him?
177
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,870
Well, he seems
basically normal.
178
00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:47,614
-Uh-huh. In other words
you think he's crazy about me.
-I do?
179
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:51,269
Well, I just wouldn't
be too sure about that
if I were you.
180
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:53,271
-[knocking]
-Come in.
181
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:57,319
Uh, if you have any more pain,
Major, just take some aspirin.
182
00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:59,495
Oh, thank you, Margaret.
183
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:03,064
I'll go now. I'm sure
you have some sort of...
184
00:09:03,107 --> 00:09:05,588
mental problem to discuss.
185
00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:12,552
Now I ask you.
Did I say anything
to provoke that?
186
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,468
I tell you, Major,
187
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:19,341
that woman is verging
on a very serious breakdown.
188
00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:21,952
If I had any confidence
at all in psychiatry--
189
00:09:21,996 --> 00:09:23,475
[chuckles]
190
00:09:23,519 --> 00:09:25,608
...I would recommend,
uh, treatment.
191
00:09:25,652 --> 00:09:28,350
Thank you.
192
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:29,917
Was there anything else
you wanted to talk about?
193
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,354
Hardly.
194
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:36,532
I do not intend to be part
of Colonel Potter's
psychiatric cattle drive.
195
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,623
I just dropped by to say
that I won't be dropping by.
196
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:43,060
Would dropping by
make you uncomfortable?
197
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:48,675
No. Don't waste your clinical
come-on with me, Doctor.
198
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:51,416
I had my fill of psychiatrists
at the age of nine.
199
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:55,203
And no, I don't
care to talk about it.
200
00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:57,379
Look, the point is...
201
00:09:57,422 --> 00:10:00,512
she is the one
who is obsessed.
202
00:10:00,556 --> 00:10:03,733
She watches my every movement.
203
00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:09,957
My body seems to be
of intense interest to her.
204
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,916
Which I suppose you find,
uh, very revealing, right?
205
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:17,878
Hmm. In other words,
the woman's crazy about me. Huh?
206
00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,316
Please, don't make me laugh.
207
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:24,319
I don't know whatever
got into me.
208
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,453
Okay, let's light it.
209
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,586
Come on. Come on.
What are you waitin' for?
210
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,719
You know, if we toss
this crate on over there...
211
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:35,199
it could really
be a nice little fire.
212
00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:37,419
Yeah. Right. Nice.
213
00:10:57,744 --> 00:11:01,399
Tom, you're gonna be fine.
You'll need a little more
surgery down in Seoul,
214
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:03,619
and some rehabilitative therapy,
but you're gonna walk.
215
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,795
Well, I don't know
if you guys take tips,
216
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:08,624
but my dad is the king
of the hardware business
in Cleveland.
217
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,931
You need a sink or anything,
I can get you a dozen.
218
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:14,412
-King of the hardware business.
Maybe he can get us a throne.
-You name it.
219
00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:16,763
-Why don't you get
a little rest, okay?
-We'll check you later.
220
00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:19,461
Okay. If I'm not here,
I've just gone dancing.
221
00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:25,641
-Sidney.
-How's the kid?
222
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,643
-Oh, you gotta see him.
-He's doing great.
223
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,819
I can't believe he was
a basket case a week ago.
224
00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:32,561
He's cheerful. He's joking.
I don't know how you did it.
225
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:36,391
The big thing is getting them
back to the front as fast as
possible. It really works.
226
00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:38,219
Come on in.
You're in for a real treat.
227
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:44,704
How ya feelin', Tom?
228
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:50,100
How am I feelin'?
229
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:53,408
You crud! I'll tell you
how I'm feelin'.
230
00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:55,540
I feel like I had
my damn legs blown off!
231
00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:58,282
How do you think
I'm feelin'?
232
00:11:58,326 --> 00:12:00,371
I'd be back home walkin'
around on two good legs
233
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,199
if you hadn't sent me back
to that ridge.
234
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:04,506
Tom, you were able
to walk back to the ridge
235
00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:06,682
because of the work
we did together.
236
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,684
Why don't we talk about it
for a few minutes?
237
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,426
Don't come near me, you butcher.
Now, I'm telling you.
238
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:14,168
You get him outta here,
or I am gonna wreck this place.
239
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:17,780
If you change your mind,
I'll be in my tent.
240
00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:22,742
Well, you seem to be
getting your strength back.
241
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:25,570
Anything we can get you...
A baseball bat? A crowbar?
242
00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:28,791
Sorry I raised my voice
back there, Doc.
243
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:32,621
I want you guys to know
that I'm grateful
for what you did for me.
244
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,623
Good night.
245
00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:49,681
Klinger.
246
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:52,249
My, how you've grown.
Seems like just this morning
247
00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:55,513
you were a little girl
in Mary Janes.
248
00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:59,604
Can I talk to you, Major.
I hear you got your shingle out.
249
00:12:59,648 --> 00:13:02,172
I realize I've only told
you about a 112 times,
250
00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:04,827
but I can't help you with
the Section Eight routine,
Klinger.
251
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:07,525
Oh, I don't wanna talk
about getting out.
252
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,527
I wanna talk about
being crazy.
253
00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:12,835
Well, this is a novel approach.
Go on.
254
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:16,447
No, I mean it.
I'm afraid I'm going crazy.
255
00:13:19,407 --> 00:13:22,105
-You want me to lie down?
-What's the problem?
256
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:27,719
Well, I look at myself
in the mirror lately,
and I see this guy
257
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,983
in earrings, pillbox hat,
veil...
258
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:32,942
maybe a little choker
of pearls.
259
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:35,118
And I ask myself:
260
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:38,382
"Would a sane man dress
like this?"
261
00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:41,168
I'm tryin' to convince them,
and I'm convincing myself.
262
00:13:41,211 --> 00:13:46,347
-You're actually worried?
-Major, I think I'm really
goin' nuts.
263
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:48,784
Gina Lollobrigida used
to make me drool,
264
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,655
and last week
I looked at a picture
265
00:13:50,699 --> 00:13:52,919
of this beautiful,
voluptuous woman
266
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:55,225
and all I could think of was
267
00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:58,228
"How could she wear
a peasant blouse
with a tweed skirt?"
268
00:13:58,272 --> 00:13:59,795
Now is that "el flippo"
or what?
269
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,580
Look, you're in the crazy
business.
270
00:14:02,624 --> 00:14:04,931
Fashion consciousness is just
a tool of the trade.
271
00:14:04,974 --> 00:14:09,718
Doc, I go to sleep wondering
if my pleats will hold out
for another day.
272
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:12,416
My palms got sweaty
last week when I read that
273
00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:14,723
cocktail-length hems
are going longer in the back,
274
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:17,204
and I just don't have
the material.
275
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:18,640
Now that's sane, right?
276
00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:20,076
Klinger,
let me ask you something.
277
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:21,991
Why do you want
to get out of here?
278
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:24,864
Why? Well, there's,
there's lots of reasons.
279
00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:31,871
I guess death tops the list.
I don't want to die.
280
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:34,699
And I don't want to look at
other people while they do it.
281
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:38,573
And I don't want to be told
where to stand while it
happens to me.
282
00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:40,923
And I don't want to be told
how to do it to somebody else.
283
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:42,838
And I ain't gonna. Period.
That's it. I'm gettin' out.
284
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,101
You don't like death.
285
00:14:45,145 --> 00:14:46,798
Overall, I'd rather lay
in a hammock
286
00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:49,323
with a couple of girls
than be dead. Yes.
287
00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:52,543
Listen, Klinger.
You're not crazy.
288
00:14:52,587 --> 00:14:54,850
I'm not? Really?
289
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:58,723
You're a tribute
to man's endurance.
290
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:01,944
A monument to hope
in size 12 pumps.
291
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:04,686
I hope you do get out someday.
292
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:07,080
There would be a battalion
of men in hoopskirts
right behind you.
293
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:11,562
-Thank you, Doc.
-Anytime.
294
00:15:11,606 --> 00:15:14,391
-Anything else I can help with?
-No, I gotta get goin'.
295
00:15:14,435 --> 00:15:16,089
I got some nylons soaking.
296
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:20,006
[chattering]
297
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:28,014
[cheering]
298
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:35,804
May I ask what's going on here?
299
00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:38,763
Well, sir, we were burnin'
the Chinese uniforms, sir,
because they're infested.
300
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:40,200
Are you telling me
some Chinese soldier
301
00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:43,246
came in here wearing
an American ladder?
302
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:47,033
Oh, uh, I guess that must've
just slipped up there
by mistake, sir.
303
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:49,078
Well, you better slip it
back off, Zale,
304
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:51,994
or your service record is liable
to get one giant hotfoot.
305
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,954
-Yes, sir.
-Thank you.
306
00:15:54,997 --> 00:15:56,564
[chattering]
307
00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:58,958
You see how loony
they're getting?
308
00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:01,177
You know, this may be
just what they need.
309
00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:03,397
Major, when people are
suffering from overwork
310
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,616
do you usually
prescribe arson?
311
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:08,532
Because if you do,
I'm gonna take another
look under that bandage.
312
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:10,665
Well, look, Colonel,
they don't want to burn
the whole camp,
313
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:13,363
just carefully selected bits
of it.
314
00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:16,279
Actually it's a pretty
controlled response
to this place.
315
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:19,108
They might actually
have found themselves
316
00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:21,110
that pressure valve
you're looking for.
317
00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:25,462
All right,
let me have your attention.
318
00:16:26,855 --> 00:16:30,119
I am reversing
my previous order.
319
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:35,342
You are hereby directed
to assemble one regulation,
bon-type fire.
320
00:16:35,385 --> 00:16:38,693
[cheering]
321
00:16:38,736 --> 00:16:42,566
-[knocking]
-Psst. Psst.
322
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:44,612
Psst.
323
00:16:44,655 --> 00:16:48,094
-Psst.
-Did you want to see me,
or have you sprung a leak?
324
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:50,487
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't want to go
into your tent
325
00:16:50,531 --> 00:16:53,316
'cause I was afraid somebody
might think I was crazy.
326
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,884
What can I do for you?
327
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:58,191
-I think I'm goin' crazy.
-Why is that?
328
00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:04,153
-Well, it's about
my teddy bear.
-He's been acting strangely?
329
00:17:04,197 --> 00:17:07,113
-Huh?
-What about him?
330
00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:09,680
Well, I never say
anything to the guys
331
00:17:09,724 --> 00:17:12,944
when they kid me
about sleepin' with it...
332
00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:15,860
except now and then,
I think about it in
the back of my head.
333
00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:18,124
And when you told Klinger
that it proved he was crazy
334
00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,951
'cause he carried
a teddy bear,
335
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:22,867
I started thinkin' about it
in the front of my head.
336
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:26,262
Radar, you can't prove
anything about anybody
by what he carries.
337
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:27,916
MacArthur carries
a swagger stick.
338
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,439
That doesn't prove
he's a general.
339
00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:33,443
Yeah, but me and my teddy bear
are very close.
340
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,445
I mean...
341
00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:37,099
sometimes I talk to it.
342
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:39,275
Does it ever talk back?
343
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:41,321
-No.
-So?
344
00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:43,975
Do you know how many people
write letters to Romeo and
Juliet
345
00:17:44,019 --> 00:17:46,630
and think "I Love Lucy" is real?
346
00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:51,113
And those people are living
nice safe lives with towels
and sheets.
347
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:52,636
They're not up to their ankles
348
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,421
in mud, blood and death
the way you are.
349
00:17:54,464 --> 00:17:56,336
Yeah, but what happens
when I go back home?
350
00:17:56,379 --> 00:17:58,816
My guess is you probably
won't need him anymore.
351
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:02,385
I won't need him anymore?
352
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:05,606
That's okay, though,
'cause I have a feeling I will.
353
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:13,831
Look, officially we don't care
what goes on inside your head.
354
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:16,399
We're just interested
in the same part of you
that your tailor is.
355
00:18:16,443 --> 00:18:18,140
B.J.: We're sending you
to a guy down in Seoul
356
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,229
who's gonna turn you back
into a perfect 38 long.
357
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:22,492
If I know Sidney Freedman,
all you have to do is say
the word
358
00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:25,191
and he'll get in this ambulance
and drive all the way down
to Seoul with you.
359
00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:27,149
I'm telling you as your doctor.
You oughta think about it.
360
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,846
Well, I--
361
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:30,805
Why don't we get Sidney
and you can talk to him?
362
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:33,286
HAWKEYE: Yeah, see how you
feel about him.
363
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,766
All right. All right, yeah.
I'll talk to him for a minute.
364
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,380
[engine starting]
365
00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:41,468
[horn honking]
366
00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:45,733
Sidney? Sidney? It's Tom.
367
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:47,256
I think I have another house
call for you.
368
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,258
Let's go.
369
00:18:49,302 --> 00:18:51,478
He may let you ride with him
back to Seoul. You interested?
370
00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:53,306
Are you kidding?
371
00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:59,355
-Hi, Tom.
-Hello, Doc.
372
00:18:59,399 --> 00:19:02,315
Dr. Pierce and Dr. Hunnicutt
thought I should talk to you
373
00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:03,664
before I go down to Seoul,
and I thought
374
00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:06,188
that would be
a pretty good idea too.
375
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:09,060
-Sure, Tom.
-I may never get
to see you again.
376
00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:10,236
Sure.
377
00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:14,805
Doc, I know I've been
rough on you.
378
00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:18,722
And I know you didn't mean
to do me any harm...
379
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:22,639
although I have never been
harmed so much in my life.
380
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:25,294
And I am never gonna forgive you
as long as I live.
381
00:19:25,338 --> 00:19:28,602
-Tom, come on, will ya?
-I'm sorry, Doc.
382
00:19:28,645 --> 00:19:31,692
I don't care if they
fix me up better than
brand-new down there.
383
00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:34,564
I'll never forget what
it felt like being back
in that foxhole
384
00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:36,566
when you knew
what I'd been through.
385
00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:38,873
I'll never forget how it feels
to get my legs shot up
386
00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:41,136
and I'm never gonna forget
how much I hate you.
387
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,313
Good-bye, Doctor.
[whimpering]
388
00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:45,880
All right.
Put him inside.
389
00:19:53,453 --> 00:19:55,106
Sorry, Sidney.
390
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:58,632
-Well, he may do all right.
-[engine starting]
391
00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:01,156
It's very possible that
getting his anger out on me
392
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,377
is the best thing for him.
393
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,988
On the other hand,
I'll never know.
394
00:20:07,031 --> 00:20:08,859
[truck departing]
395
00:20:15,605 --> 00:20:17,738
[knocking]
396
00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:20,610
Come in.
397
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:24,266
Oh, hi, Father. I didn't expect
to be seeing you in here.
398
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,007
Yes, well, uh...
399
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:29,402
-Please.
-Oh, thank you.
400
00:20:29,445 --> 00:20:32,448
Well, I've come
about a friend.
401
00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:35,016
I see.
What's his problem?
402
00:20:35,059 --> 00:20:37,497
Well, things aren't going
so well for him
403
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,107
and he's feeling
a little low.
404
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:42,632
-Who is your friend, Father?
-You.
405
00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:46,549
I wonder if
a good antidote might be
406
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:48,638
to think about all
the successes you've had.
407
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,684
I would think
you've had a few, no?
408
00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:53,643
Sure. I've sent dozens of kids
409
00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:56,124
back to the front,
and they're fine now.
410
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:59,127
It hurts to think you might
lose even one, though,
doesn't it?
411
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,435
See, when Pierce
or Hunnicutt lose one
412
00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:04,437
he's out of his misery.
413
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,048
But when I lose one,
I've lost a mind.
414
00:21:07,091 --> 00:21:11,270
When I lose one,
I've lost a soul.
415
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:13,924
Well, I guess it's all
in how you look at it.
416
00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:17,667
[cheering]
417
00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:19,669
Sounds like they're having
a good time.
418
00:21:19,713 --> 00:21:21,845
Well, they're following
your prescription.
419
00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:27,286
You've certainly done
an admirable job here.
420
00:21:27,329 --> 00:21:30,854
Why don't you come on out
and take a little of your
own medicine?
421
00:21:30,898 --> 00:21:33,161
You know, this wasn't my idea.
It was theirs.
422
00:21:33,204 --> 00:21:36,207
They have an uncanny knack
for health here
423
00:21:36,251 --> 00:21:38,340
not to mention antic lunacy.
424
00:21:38,384 --> 00:21:41,474
Hold it!
Wait a minute! Here goes.
425
00:21:41,517 --> 00:21:44,694
-The army cookbook!
-[cheering]
426
00:21:47,262 --> 00:21:49,177
♪♪ [fanfare]
427
00:21:52,006 --> 00:21:53,486
[cheering]
428
00:22:00,406 --> 00:22:02,451
[cheering Continues]
429
00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:05,976
Yeah, Colonel Potter!
430
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:12,983
ALL:
One, two, three!
431
00:22:44,101 --> 00:22:48,149
A cot.
How can you do that?
432
00:22:48,192 --> 00:22:52,109
It's just an object.
It has no intrinsic value.
It's just a thing.
433
00:22:52,153 --> 00:22:53,372
Besides, it's yours.
434
00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:05,775
♪ Keep the home fires burning
435
00:23:05,819 --> 00:23:10,954
♪ While your hearts
are yearning ♪
436
00:23:10,998 --> 00:23:15,176
♪ Though your lads
are far away ♪
437
00:23:15,219 --> 00:23:20,703
♪ They dream of home
438
00:23:20,747 --> 00:23:25,578
♪ There's a silver lining
439
00:23:25,621 --> 00:23:31,018
♪ Through the dark
cloud shining ♪
440
00:23:31,061 --> 00:23:35,065
♪ Turn the dark cloud
inside out ♪
441
00:23:35,109 --> 00:23:40,244
♪ Till the boys come home
442
00:23:52,213 --> 00:23:54,650
Come on, Radar.
We gotta start a new day.
443
00:23:54,694 --> 00:23:57,523
I can't find it, sir.
Oh, wait a minute.
444
00:23:57,566 --> 00:24:00,090
Here it is.
445
00:24:03,398 --> 00:24:05,661
♪♪ [dissonant]
446
00:24:08,142 --> 00:24:10,144
You know, it sounds
a little better.
447
00:24:11,885 --> 00:24:14,235
♪♪ [theme]
36657
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